A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Monday 19^th June
7:30
Common room

Smellodie woke me up today, which is why I'm downstairs at the crack of dawn.

She claims she didn't do it on purpose, but that's an obvious lie. Why would somebody sing Weird Sisters hits that loudly at half six in the morning unless they wanted to wake somebody up?

As usual in my life, I was the only one who woke up.

"Bleh?" I said, or something similar.

"Hi, KeeKee!" said Elodie, brightly. She's decided she's my friend again now she's realised that I didn't steal her boyfriend. (Well, not successfully.) "Oh, sorry, did I wake you?"

"Nnnnyeh."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," said Smellodie in that sickly sweet voice that said, "I'm not sorry at all; I did this on purpose to wake you up because I wanted to irritate you and I'm really glad that I succeeded."

Resisting the temptation to say "Would you like me to show you the way to Wonderland?" (she'd put a load of blue ribbon in her hair) I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. But once I'm awake I never get to sleep again, so I got up and got dressed.

My only company was, of course, Elodie, and to my absolute horror she wasn't intending to go down for an early breakfast and sat down next to me in the common room.

"So, Kee, how're things?" she asked, happily. Before I could answer, she said, "I'm really good at the moment; I've started a new diet plan and I can just feel the pounds falling off me. You might like to try it, Kee, maybe work on your complexion while you're at it. I got this new cream; I'll tell you where to buy it. I'm meeting Blaise later; he's so gorgeous. I'm quite glad that he and Padma have broken up because it was obviously never going to last. He told me he really likes me, and he's so rich. Oh hi, Terry! You're up early."

Simultaneously I felt surprise, horror and relief. Terry had appeared from down the boys' dormitory steps, hair unbrushed and tie undone. He looked quite surprised to see me and Elodie sitting there, and I can guarantee the look on my face was probably not one of joyful intrigue. More likely it was one of homicidal boredom.

"Oh, hi," he said. "I heard people talking. You two ok?"

"Oh, I'm great, thanks," said Elodie, not as brightly as usual. I couldn't be bothered to answer; I was too busy trying to look as not hideous as possibly under the circumstances. "You?"

"Alright," said Terry, looking amused now.

"Well, anyway, I think I should go now," said Elodie, checking her watch. Her timing is bloody fantastic. "I'll leave you two to it then. Remember what I told you, KeeKee! Byeee!"

Off she flounced, leaving me sitting there being very red and very irritated and Terry looking after her, slightly amused.

"Ooh, she doesn't like me," he said. He didn't sound upset. On the contrary, he sounded amused. "She still thinks it was me who told Justin she was cheating on him. The things I do for you, Keira," he added, heading for my chair. He sat down on the arm so he could look down on me. It took all my effort not to rest my head in his lap. "Why are you up so early anyway? And with Elodie of all people?"

"She woke me up," I said, darkly. "Singing."

Terry snorted.

"Singing?"

"Yes. Some Weird Sisters song. Dunno the name. Cut me open and leave me here to die. I'm bleeding inside because I love you so much. Stabby rippy stab stab. I forget."

"I'm getting the feeling you're not that into the Weird Sisters," said Terry, wryly. I love his voice when he's ironic, and his little smirks. I can't believe it used to irritate me.

"Hell no," I said. "They're songs are basically angst and angst, with a little bit of angst."

"Some are alright," he said. "Don't you remember when they played at the Yule Ball? Plenty of fast songs."

"Yeah, but if you listen to the lyrics they're all depressing," I said. "They're singing 'Kill me, I'm dying inside, oh woe is me I'm so alone'. They've just upped the tempo and put it in major key."

"You seem rather knowledgeable about music," said Terry.

"My mum teaches people the piano," I said, remembering the endless lessons I was forced to endure. "Me and my sister had to play. Leila was always really pissed off because I was better than her."

"I didn't know you were musical," he said.

"I'm not," I said. "Haven't played in years. Anyway, I was crap. Just Leila was crapper."

Terry laughed again. God I love his laugh.

"You'll have to play for me someday," he said. "Show me what Muggle music is all about."

"Aren't you a half-blood?" I asked.

"Yeah, dad's a Muggle-Born," he said. "He doesn't do Muggle things though. He doesn't teach me about Muggles. You'll have to be my Muggle correspondent. Teach me the ways of television and stereos and things like that."

"Lisa could," I said, pointedly. "She's got Muggle parents."

"That's true," said Terry, but he didn't seem over enthusiastic. Hmm, maybe Michael was right. I hope he does still like me. If he doesn't I am going to murder Michael and eat his brains. "We don't really talk much, though."

I winced.

"No, no," said Terry, seeing me. "Don't get the wrong impression; it wasn't meant to come out like that. We're not one of those couples."

"Those couples?"

"The ones that spend all their time snogging each others faces off. You know, like Michael and Cho or Ron Weasley and Lavender Brown. I say we don't talk. She talks. I...listen."

"You seem disheartened," I said.

"Kinda," he said. "I dunno...do you really want to hear this?"

Don't sound too eager.

1...2...3...

"Yes," I said. Bugger. I sounded eager, I just seemed like a moron who waits for ages before actually answering a question. Shit, shit, shit. "What's wrong? You can tell me."

"I'm not sure," said Terry. "I just...don't really feel right, you know? I mean, I really like Lisa, she's lovely, but I just don't think we're really on the same level...it's confusing. And I think Michael likes her, too."

"Oh really?" I said, even more interested now.

"Well, Lisa told me that he keeps going over to her recently and asking her stuff like, 'What kind of guys do you like?' and 'Do you fancy anyone other than Terry?'. And I know Michael's nosey as Hell but that's really not what you ask someone unless you like them."

It feels really good knowing something that he doesn't.

I mean really good.

"I dunno," said Terry. "It's really complicated. You know what relationships can be like, Keira."

"Yes," I said. "As I have had so many. All one of them."

He laughed. God I love his laugh.

"That's not your fault. You've probably not just met anybody worth your time yet."

"I have found a guy who is worth my time. He is you. I love you and want to marry you and have your babies and maybe buy a little holiday home in mainland Spain with you."

No, of course I didn't say that. Don't think I didn't want to, though.

"Mmmm," I said, noncommittally. I didn't dare actually form words in case I accidentally said, "Take me now, I'm all yours."

So instead of declaring my love for him, telling him how I felt, begging him to forgive me for being a blind cow and asking him whether he still loved me, I asked him for a bit of advice.

"Terry..."

"Keira."

"Can I ask you something in the confidence that you will definitely not tell anyone?"

"Uh...probably."

"Ok...probably? Does this mean you might tell someone?"

"Depends what it's about," he said. "If it's one of those things where it could genuinely be catastrophic if it got around, then I wouldn't. But if it was one of those things where you don't care if people know, you're just saying it to be nice, then I will probably tell a few people. But I never let on my sources."

"This is of the 'if anyone else finds this out someone is going to be really humiliated' variety."

"Oh. Who?"

"Louise."

"Ok, I won't tell anyone then. What do you need help with?"

"Swear you won't tell?"

"I swear."

"Ok. Louise and I had a massive argument because she was being a bitch for no reason. Now I've found out that her boyfriend is going to dump her and I know I should tell her before she gets really hurt but I don't want to talk to her because she was horrible to me and anyway she probably won't believe me if I do tell her. What do I do?"

Terry frowned a bit.

"Wow, you girls do weird stuff to each other. Well, my suggestion is that you tell her. Say something like, 'I thought you should know this. You don't have to believe me, but I think you should.' Then tell her. If she doesn't believe you, then it's her funeral. And if she does, then you've done something really nice for her and you're the good person."

"Uh...you really think that'll work?"

"Yeah, worth a shot," he said, getting up and stretching. "You know what? I'm feeling a lot happier now after talking to you. About the Lisa thing I mean. See you around."

And he left, leaving me wondering why he felt better about the Lisa situation when I hadn't said anything.

13:35
Dormitory

You know what? I'm not bloody surprised that Terry chose Lisa over me.

Stupid girl left her trunk open, and seriously, she has the most amazing stuff.

Not only am I doomed to be inferior in the looks department, but also in the possessions department.

For instance, my trunk is most filled with clothes. So is Lisa's. This is where the similarity ends, however. Hers is full of glitzy little tops and cute skirts and the only trousers she owns are really trendy jeans. It's all Muggle designer labels and I bet that there's nothing in there that cost less than fifty quid. My trunk is pretty much filled with T-shirts - ranging from quite new to falling apart at the seams - and plain skirts and jeans. Not horrible, but nothing special.

Shoes. Lisa does not seem to own a pair of plain shoes. They're all either covered in glitter, exotic colours or have huge heels. And there are about ten million of them. I have about five pairs of shoes and they're all flats because heels make me feet hurt and my feet are flat so I need support in the ankle. Again, not hideous, but nothing compared to Lisa's stuff.

She's got bottles of perfume that I know are all ridiculously overpriced while I just have deodorant. She has fancy moisturisers and tonnes of top-of-the-range make-up while I have a couple of eyeliners.

Basically, everything I have she has better, apart from those weird broomstick clippers that Justin got me for my birthday. Fabulous. Lisa has amazing clothes and fancy presents from her parents and the guy that I'm in love with, but it's all ok because I have a pair of broomstick clippers that my gay friend gave me! Wow, my life just got so much better! Forget the fact that I hate flying and don't own a broomstick; life is wonderful. Don't I feel lucky?

I noticed that that stupid present that Terry gave me for my birthday was lying underneath my bed. I hadn't unwrapped it; I'd been too preoccupied with the realisation that I was in love with him.

I picked it up, looking at it, and threw it back down. I kicked it under my bed.

Good riddance.

15:20
Potions

Working on theory at the moment, so wasn't too upset when Ron Weasley turned around and said, "You're Keira Matthews, aren't you?" to Yasmin.

"No," said Yaz. "I'm Yasmin Moon. That one's Keira," she said, nodding towards me.

"Sorry," said Ron, not looking very sorry, and chucked a note onto the desk in front of me. I vaguely recognised the handwriting, but I didn't know where from. But who would be writing me a note in Potions?

Hey Matthews. What's this I hear about a cosy little chat between you and Bootface earlier? M

Ohhh. Michael. That explains a lot. I looked up and immediately caught him looking at me. He grinned and winked.

I felt bound to reply, but only to tell him that it was none of his business. However, it didn't stop there, of course it didn't. It never stops there.

He's definitely not over you, Keira, which is good. I was having little teeny doubts, but they're all gone now. He still really likes you, which is good to know. It will make our plan easier.

Actually, Michael, I'm thinking of giving up on the plan.

What? Why?

Because it's all going to come flying back in my face and anyway I can't be bothered with Terry.

That's a lie and you know it, Matthews.

It's not. I'm getting sick of waiting around. How do we know we'll pull this off? What if it all comes flying back in my face? What if Lisa is insanely in love with Terry and they go off and have really gorgeous children while I'm left broken-hearted?

Do you really think that Terry is that good-looking? I don't really see it myself. I mean, obviously Lisa's really fit, but I'm not seeing the Terry thing, even if I bring myself to my most homosexual.

Cheeky whatsit. I always thought that Terry was good-looking. Even before I liked him I still thought he was good-looking. He is good-looking. A lot of people agree with me.

Can we come up with a code name because he saw his name being written and I think he's getting suspicious?

How about we just don't pass these? It's not coming to anything.

True.

Tuesday 20^th June
16:45
Library

Was happily studying (ok, not happily, but whatever) when the person that I never ever want to talk to ever again showed up.

"Oh, hi, Keira," said Adam, slipping into the chair opposite me.

"I'm busy," I said.

"Yeah, but I think we need to talk," he said. "About...you know...us."

"What about us?" I asked, in what I hope were cold and dispassionate tones.

"Well...I'm sorry about how I hurt you," he said, giving me the puppy dog eyes. Have to say, I know he's the world's biggest arsehole, but he's really good-looking. "It was really unfair of me to do what I did to you. And I do like you; you know that, don't you?"

"I don't, actually, seeing as you told the world that you only went out with me for a bet," I said.

"I handled the situation terribly," he said. "I'm sorry. I did like you, though. It's a long story."

"I have all day," I said, nastily. Ha. I rule at this giving-the-cold-shoulder thing.

"Well, in a nutshell I told Ed that I thought you were cute and he bet that I wouldn't have the guts to ask you out," he said. "I'm sorry I snapped at you like I did. After we broke up I was really upset. So...that's my side of the story. I apologise."

"Took you long enough," I said. "What I don't understand is why you humiliated me like that in the first place."

"I was annoyed," said Adam, almost exasperatedly. "You weren't listening to me. I ended up saying things I didn't mean. You were being...I don't know. Awkward. I was being an idiot, and I realise that. I'm sorry."

He gave me a look that probably should have melted me, but instead it just infuriated me.

"So what do you say?" he asked. "Do you think we can make it work?"

"What about that girl in Slytherin who you said you liked?" I asked.

"Oh God, that was never going to happen," said Adam. "She was nothing. She didn't have any...personality. Not like you. You've got...I don't know. A spark. You're special."

"Yeah, special needs," I said, darkly, before I could stop myself. "I'm a dork, Adam, you know that all too well. All the other girls you go out with are glamorous Barbie types. Do you really think I'm stupid enough to believe that you want to go out with me?"

"Don't be stupid," he said, fondly. This was getting creepy now. Stop being so nice! I hate you! "You're not a dork. And you're not special needs, either. I don't think so, anyway. You're great. I like it that you're not a...whatever it's called. Barbie. What is a Barbie?"

"It's a doll," I said, impatiently.

"Yeah, one of those," he said. "You're cool because you're not one of those girls. They're so...boring. They go out of their way to impress you and usually they have nothing special about them. They're all the same. You...you're different. You're the only girl that I've ever asked to take me back. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Adam," I said, feeling suddenly really powerful, "you say that I'm so brilliant but you obviously think I'm stupid. You think I'm going to believe all this crap?" I gave him my best Worst Look as I packed up my stuff and swung my bag over my shoulder. "I'm done with guys like you."

And I stalked off, nose in the air.

The effect was ruined somewhat when I tripped over the skirting boards in the doorway and bashed my head on the doorframe.

Wednesday 21^st June
14:50
Transfiguration
Passing notes

Kee, what's this I hear about that creep Adam Chambers asking you out again yesterday?

Oh yeah, did I tell you? He said I was "special" and "different" and told me that he only ditched me because he had to or something lame like that. The loser. He's probably having a competition with one of his mates, you know, Who Can Screw Over The Most Girls In Two Weeks or something like that. His sort never learns.

I know. I hope you told him where to go.

Of course. I rocked, I have to say.

Good for you. Useless man tart. By the way, I heard a rumour that Thomas finally dumped Louise. Do you reckon it's true?

It could be.

I think we should probably speak to her. She'll be in a bad state; she needs all the friends she can get. I think she was under a lot of pressure when she said all that stuff. A big person would accept her apology.

Yesterday you were saying how you wanted to smash Stephen Cornfoot's brains out because he spilt pumpkin juice on your textbook.

That's different. Stephen's an arsehole. Louise is your friend.

Stephen's your ex boyfriend.

Yes, EX boyfriend. God, I'm so glad that that died a death. He's going in the What was I thinking?? Pile.

There's a pile? You've only ever had one boyfriend.

It'll grow, you see.

What about the Harry Potter thing? I thought he was your only one and one and only.

He is.

He's going out with that Weasley girl.

True, but that won't last long; these things never do. He needs someone he has more in common with, like me.

Like what?

We're both good at Quidditch.

So is Ginny Weasley.

That's not the point. The point is that his relationships never last. He always chooses people like Cho Chang or Ginny Weasley. I mean yeah, they're pretty and popular and that, but they're not for him. He's not the kind of guy who dates that kind of girl. He'd be better off with someone like me.

Someone who stalks him obsessively?

No, stupid.

What then? What do you have that will make Harry Potter want you so much more than he wants Ginny?

We have to stop passing notes now, McGonagall's looking.

17:45
Courtyard

Against my better judgement I decided that I was going to do the decent thing and tell Louise that Dean was going to dump her, or if he already had, console her about it.

She was easy to track down. I asked Seamus Finnigan if Dean was meeting Louise anywhere, and he told me to look in the courtyard. I figured Seamus would know where his best friend was, after all, and wherever Dean goes Louise is sure to be.

Sure enough, she was sitting on one of the benches, looking wistful and kind of upset. She gave me a killer look when I came over.

"Look, Lou," I said. Quick and to the point. Best way to do these things. "I...eh...well, I'm...sorry for, well, being...mean and saying...nasty things...ummm...I didn't mean to offend you and, well...I'm sorry."

Louise gave me another look before I saw the tears well up. To my shock she pulled me quite roughly down onto the bench and threw her arms around me. I was quite surprised.

"I'm so sorry Kee!" she wailed. "I was so unfair and I just couldn't admit that I was wrong! I didn't want to hurt you but I did and I'm so sorry! I hated not being friends with you but I was too stupid and weak to say that I was wrong! Can you forgive me?"

"Ummm...yeah," I said, slightly worried. "It's ok, Lou, we both said stuff we shouldn't have. Has something happened with you and Dean, by any chance? Coz I've heard a rumour..."

"No," said Louise, sniffing. "It's just stupid jealous people trying to ruin our relationship."

"Yeah, about that," I said, shifting slightly. "Ok, before I tell you this, remember that you're one of my best friends and I wouldn't lie to you. I'm telling you this so that you can save your ego."

"Really?" she said. I noticed that she doesn't look as pretty when she has mascara all over her face. Thinking about it, she's really looking rough. Kind of gaunt. Bags under the eyes, too.

"Well...Seamus Finnigan told me that Dean's going to dump you," I said, in what I think were gentle, caring tones. "I thought it was better that I told you so you can dump him and save face."

At this point she burst into extremely noisy tears and was inconsolable for the rest of the evening.