A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Thursday 7^th June
21:10
Common room

There are rumours going round that Terry and Lisa are "more than friends". (That was the one I heard, anyway.) To reinforce this, they're currently sitting together. She is flicking her swishy blonde hair around and laughing.

She has very straight teeth.

In fact, she's very pretty. I know I knew this anyway, but she is.

Terry is now laughing too.

And the worst thing is that I have to pretend I don't give a damn when actually I really want to know all the gossip. Yasmin keeps giving me odd looks and Louise has started looking all pitying at me like I'm supposed to care. Because I don't care. I'm just being nosy. I don't care if they're going out. I just want to know. But the thing is I can't ask or people will think that I do care.

Maybe I'll be able to get them to casually slip it into the conversation on Saturday.

God that's going to be awkward.

Friday 8^th June
11:25
Care of Magical Creatures

Chatting to Mandy whilst trying to stop our designated Crup Harry (Mandy named him) from clawing Sally-Anne Perks and Alison Runcor's Crup's eyes out. Those two have taken an exception to each other for some reason and we spend most of the lesson trying to stop them from attacking each other. Harry and their Crup, not Alison and Sally-Anne, obviously.

"Get back here, you stupid animal! So, you heard the rumours?" asked Mandy, clinging onto Harry's collar. "Damn, this little bugger's not as sweet as his namesake, is he?"

"You don't know if Harry Potter's sweet or not, Mandy, you've never spoken to him," I said, tetchily. "He could be worse than this for all you know. And which rumours do you mean?"

"The ones about OWWWWW!"

"The ones about oww?"

"No," said Mandy, wincing and sucking her breath in. "This stupid little bastard just took a chunk out of my ankle. She looked down and pulled her robes up. I retched. "Shit, it's bleeding!"

"You figured?" I said, grimacing at the sheer hideousness of Mandy's ankle. Forget Draco Malfoy and the hippogriff, this looked much worse. "Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaap!"

In the pain of only having half an ankle left, Mandy had let go of Harry's collar and he'd gone speeding towards Alison and Sally-Anne, who were attempting to beat him off with the Monster Book of Monsters. Professor Hagrid soon got caught up in it and we ended up having to wrestle the two Crups away from each other and locking them away to calm down.

"Anyway," said Mandy, who'd had some kind of antiseptic bandage wrapped around her ankle by Professor Hagrid. "I mean the rumours about Lisa and your beloved."

I frowned.

"If you mean Terry when you say my beloved, no, I haven't heard the ins-and-outs. Do share."

Mandy laughed.

"I don't think there have been any ins-and-outs yet," she giggled. Eugh, how disgusting. Now I have a picture of Terry and Lisa in my head. Get out of my brain!

"Very funny," I said, punching her on the arm. It was a bit harder than I intended.

"That's nice, isn't it?" scowled Mandy, clutching her arm in an affected way. "Attacking a cripple. All I did was make an amusing pun. Well, all I've heard is that Lisa asked Terry out yesterday and he graciously accepted. They're going into Hogsmeade this weekend with a load of people. Probably some massive orgy."

I feel sick.

"Uh...they're coming with the same group I'm going with," I said, uneasily.

This amused Mandy so much I thought she was going to have a seizure. She was attempting to speak to me through her uproarious laughter and I managed to make out, "God...you...Terry...group...Lisa...Seamus Finnigan...foursome...Three Broomsticks...hahahahahahaha."

I feel really sick.

15:30
Arithmancy

Have been haunted by images of massive gang bang in the middle of the Three Broomsticks ever since Care of Magical Creatures. People keep telling me I'm unnaturally quiet and that I look pale.

I hate Mandy.

16:50

Oh my god.

Kevin Entwhistle is going to be there.

Everyone knows he fancies me, the poor, strange boy. Maybe he asked Justin to invite me along to the orgy so that he and Terry Boot can gang rape me without it being too conspicuous.

Oh my Goooooooooooooooooooooooodddddddddddd!

I think I'm going to be sick.

Keira Matthews, you are a sick and stupid person. Just because Mandy made a stupid joke you now think that Kevin Entwhistle is going to rape you at a massive fling that Justin Finch-Fletchley invited you to? You know perfectly well that neither of them know what to do when faced with anything more sexual than a stick. There is no way that either of them would take part in anything like that and you know it. Mandy made a joke. That's right, a JOKE. You know, when a person says something funny that isn't usually true? Pull yourself together and stop being such a fool.
Yours exasperatedly
Your friend,
Yasmin Moon

Gee, thanks Yaz. I got up for five minutes and I come back to random and pointless scribbling in my personal, private diary. Such reassuring words, Miss Moon. Not.

17:00

Am really scared about tomorrow.

Feel sick.

Don't want to go.

If I must take part in group sex can I please choose the people at least? I mean, there's Justin (phwoar) and Seamus Finnigan isn't bad. However Seamus is also gay, so he will take no interest in me. And excuse me, but Stephen Cornfoot? Are you kidding? And Kevin Entwhistle. And Ernie Macmillan, who is nice and all that but he is not small.

Also I hope they don't expect me to go girl-on-girl.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I now have images of...

No, I can't even write it. It's too horrible to think about.

I think I'm going to have a lie down.

17:15
Dormitory

Nearly fell asleep but woke up as fresh images of tomorrow's orgy threatening to turn into dreams. Well, nightmare would be more appropriate. Why didn't I agree to go to Hogsmeade with Yasmin and Mandy? Why?

Why?

17:20

I will tell you why.

Because I am an idiot who will go along to a massive gang bang with ugly people just because the person who invited me happens to be a Sex God of oedipal proportions.

NB: Look up meaning of oedipal.

17:30

Umm...maybe Justin's not a Sex God of oedipal proportions. Maybe I will just stick to saying "really incredibly ridiculously gorgeous" rather than experimenting with words I don't know the meaning of.

17:45

My God I'm scared. I am also frightened, afraid, terrified and fearful. On top of that I am also petrified, worried and anxious. Not to mention apprehensive, panicky and alarmed.

17:47

Morag just - rather rudely, I feel - told me to "stop looking through that bloody dictionary and put it away or I'll take it from you, concuss you with it and throw it into the lake".

Which is a bit harsh.

18:00

Gang bang.

18:15

Kevin Entwhistle and Terry Boot.

18:20

The Three Broomsticks.

18:30

Mandy was just forced to come up here by Yasmin and Louise to tell me that she was joking about tomorrow and that she seriously doubted that there would be any dodgy sexual practices going on.

Lisa looked a bit worried as she left.

18:40

Lisa came up to me.

"You're coming into Hogsmeade, tomorrow, aren't you?" she asked, nervously. "Hannah mentioned something about Justin inviting you to come along. Are you coming?"

"Yes," I said, with fresh fear.

"Umm...was Mandy talking about Hogsmeade when she mentioned all those things about weird group sex stuff going on tomorrow?" she went on, tensely. "I mean, has she heard anything?"

"No," I said.

Lisa went off looking worried. Good. That leaves two of us.

Anyway, she's got Terry. Stupid Terry dater.

19:00

Louise came bounding up, glanced at my diary and saw the bit about Lisa and Terry. She raised her eyebrows and says, "Jealousy is very bad for the skin, Keira."

"I'm not jealous!" I said huffily.

"And in denial, too," said Louise. "You know, denial of the green-eyed monster is even worse for the skin. I mean, forget chocolate, the thing that will really give you spots is denying being jealous of they guy you like's new girlfriend."

"I don't like him!" I said, hotly. "And I'm not jealous!"

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much," said Louise, smugly.

I narrowed my eyes at her.

"You've been talking to Yasmin, haven't you?" I said. "She's always saying that to me."

Louise looked at me pityingly.

"It's a well-known quote, Keira," she said. "Shakespeare, the genius that is. Was, I should say. Although I don't recall which play. The green-eyed monster, that's Shakespeare too. From Othello, that one."

"Shut up."

"Touchy. Just because you don't appreciate great literature."

"No, I just don't appreciate people like you throwing it in my face smugly and irritatingly."

"You're just sore because Terry Boot has a girlfriend, aren't you?"

"Piss off."

Saturday 9^th June
10:30
Common room
Day of Hogsmeade trip
Shared shitless

There are some things that everyone is scared of that just don't affect me. Spiders, for instance. I don't give a damn about spiders. I can happily hold a tarantula and it will cause no emotions in me at all. Doesn't affect me. I will repeat: there are some things that terrify everyone that I just don't get scared about.

Being gang raped by a load of people during a massive blowout in Hogsmeade, however, is not one of them.

Man, am I scared.

Also the prospect of seeing Justin is a bit terrifying. How do I know I won't do something stupid like throw up all over him when I see him? I don't, that is the answer.

Chances are I will do something like that, too.

12:45
The Three Broomsticks

Ok, I'm guessing that Yasmin was right and that this is not, in fact, an orgy. It seems, well, pretty normal. Just a load of friends hanging out in Hogsmeade together. Perfectly normal and innocent.

I'm having trouble not talking, though. As I tend to sound like a madwoman when I talk around Justin I've decided I'm going to be very quiet. This gives me an air of mysterious sexuality, I like to think. But it's really hard not to say something. When I dropped a galleon on the floor and went down to pick it up, it took all my self-control not to look up at Ernie Macmillan and go, "What light doth through yonder window break?"

This is the kind of thing that goes on in my head. This is why I've decided not to talk.

Although watching Terry sitting there with his arm around the back of Lisa's chair is kind of off-putting. Not that I care, but still. He could be less public about it. And I know it's hardly saucy or anything, but...oh I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just pissed off because yesterday I had a boy fancying me and today he's just got over me in a snap.

Yes, that's it.

I'm not jealous.

And I don't care.

13:30

Went to the loos and before I managed to get in was cornered by Stephen Cornfoot. To my horror he put his head roughly forward and kissed me. I managed to shove him off, which was a great feat seeing as I was in shock.

"What's the big idea?" I demanded, and he looked a bit shirty.

"Nothing," he said, looking at the floor. Gotta say, I can see why Mandy ditched him. Not the best kisser in the world. Actually, it bloody well hurt. It was less of a kiss than him pushing his mouth onto mine. And his teeth aren't the smallest in the world.

I suddenly realised his arms were still barring me from moving. I pushed them down with the intent to get away quickly, but he seized my forearm.

"Hey, Matthews, don't think you can get away that easily," he said, pulling me back so I had to look him in the face. Oh God. "Don't think I just snogged you for the sake of it."

"Why did you do it then?" I demanded, and to my horror my voice went all shrill.

"To get your attention," said Stephen, simply.

"What's wrong with tapping me on the shoulder?" I asked, crossly

"I need to talk to you," said Stephen, ignoring me. "And I need you to listen."

Why is it that boys all want to talk to me these days?

"What about?" I asked, suspiciously.

"Mandy," he said. "I want you to talk to her because she refuses to listen to me."

"That's because you pick fights with her when you speak to her," I pointed out. "Also, the only excuse you use to talk to her is by saying you've got a book to lend her. If you want to talk to her, just talk to her. I'm sure she'll be more receptive if you don't confuse her by offering to lend her stuff that she never asked for."

Stephen frowned.

"I suppose you think that I want to get back together with her?" he said.

"Uh...well, yes, kind of," I said.

"Well you're wrong," said Stephen. "I don't. But I do want to talk to Mandy about something, and I want you to tell her to meet me tomorrow at seven in the library."

"Umm...what makes you think that she'll go just because I ask her to?" I asked.

"Because you're not going to tell her who she's meeting, idiot," said Stephen exasperatedly. "Make something up, I don't care. I just want to talk to her, and I think this way is the only way I can. Thanks for the tip on telling her straight out, though, I'll try that out. Although if she attacks me I'll be sending you the medical bills."

It was at that moment that someone quite tall chose to bash into Stephen, sending him shooting forwards into me. Not only was I wedged between a wall and someone who I've barely spoken to up until now, but Stephen's face had been pressed onto mine. I pushed him off again - although to give him credit he seemed as taken aback as me - and looked up to see Terry Boot standing there staring at me. Stephen nodded at Terry, said, "Remember what I asked you, Matthews," to me and walked off hastily.

"Oh, hi," I said, sheepishly.

"Hi," said Terry, raising an eyebrow. He looked around (probably making sure Stephen wasn't in earshot) and added, "I wouldn't have thought Stephen was really your type, Keira. Do you make a habit of kissing your best mates' ex boyfriends?"

I went bright red.

"We were not kissing," I said angrily. "You bashed into him and he went right into me. It was...accidental face contact. You shouldn't go around insinuating potentially slanderous things, you know."

"I didn't mean then, I meant earlier," he said, looking sceptically at me. "When you got up from the table. He followed you and the next thing we saw you were kissing."

"That was so he could get my attention," I said, knowing just how pathetic I sounded. "And anyway, if you'd been looking you would have seen me push him away. And who do you mean by we?" I asked, panicked in case Justin assumed that I fancied Stephen Cornfoot and not him.

"Don't worry, your precious Justin didn't notice," he said. "Lisa noticed and she pointed it out to me. She thinks it's sweet. She's a very nice person. She doesn't judge people. But then she doesn't really know you as well as I do."

I was livid. What the Hell gave him the right to talk to me like this?

"Listen, you," I snarled, tempted to withdraw my wand and point it at his face, but that would probably get me barred. Even if I did, Terry could jinx me to jelly within five seconds. "I don't know what your bloody problem is, but please leave me out of it. I'm getting sick of you being all patronising and superior. Even if I had kissed Stephen, it's none of your bloody business! Just sod right off. I almost thought you were a decent person, you know, but obviously I was wrong. Just because you fancy me it doesn't mean I have to like you back! Because I don't like you! In fact, I thoroughly dislike you!"

Shit. I hadn't mean to tell him that. He looked at me like I'd slapped him in the face. I thought I was going to cry. Actually, I thought he was going to cry. And that would've been horrific.

"Fine," he said, in a very un-Terry like voice and walked into the boy's loos.

I headed for the girls. I locked myself in a cubicle and started to cry.

I hate boys.

15:35
Common room

Finally managed to compose myself and return to the table. To my relief Terry wasn't there any more. Neither, I noticed with annoyance, was Lisa. They'd probably gone off to Woodcroft Hill or something. Well, she's welcome to him as far as I'm concerned. Maybe she will be able to put up with his violent mood swings, because I certainly can't.

I had no trouble not talking after that. I just sat there and listened to the others talk, occasionally catching Justin's eye. It's quite heartening that he doesn't tend to look at the other girls much. And it's not like I'm the prettiest. Sally-Anne Perks is a lot more attractive than me, and I'm sure he could go out with her if he wanted to. But no, he's going to choose me.

I hate Terry, though. He's ruined my day. I kept getting distracted, thinking of the look on his face before he went off. I shouldn't feel guilty. It was his fault that I said those things because he was being a complete bastard. He antagonised me and he got what he deserved. Anyway, it's true. I don't like him. But the thing is that I do feel guilty. I don't like upsetting people.

In the end I had to say I'd leave early. To my delight, Justin said, "Yeah, I'm getting a bit tired, I'll walk back with you, Keira," and got up to walk back with me.

He talked a lot on the way back. I listened, occasionally laughing and making the odd comment. When we got to the castle doors, he smiled at me and said, "You know, Keira, you're an incredibly good friend to me. We haven't even known each other for that long and I already feel really close to you. We really should have got to know each other sooner, eh?"

"Nyuh," I said, which was basically all I could say under the circumstances. He took it as a yes, laughed and kissed me on the cheek. (!!!!!!!!!) "I'll see you around, Keira," he said, and went inside.

Yessssssssssssssssssssss!

Sunday 10^th June
14:50
Common room

Yasmin and Mandy have bought me a really big birthday present for Wednesday. I can tell. It's in a massive great bag in the dormitory. I'm not allowed to go near it. I hope it's not what they did last year. I got this massive great box and when I opened it there was another box inside. It went on for about six boxes and my gargantuan present turned out to be a pair of tights.

I can't help but notice Terry sitting with his arm around Lisa, chatting to Michael. I got really annoyed with Louise earlier. Her comment was, "They make a handsome couple, don't they?"

"I suppose," I said, begrudgingly. She's right, of course. Lisa's irritatingly pretty, with her slinky blonde hair and big brown eyes. And Terry's not bad himself. Glancing at him now, his hair's a bit ruffled. It suits him. It's quite sexy. But no, no matter how good-looking he is, he is still a bastard.

He turned and caught my eye. It's hard to tell who looked away quicker, me or him.

Anyway, back to Louise. She carried on, "They are. It's nice that Terry's finally realised that it isn't going to happen with you, isn't it? You must be quite relieved."

"Hmmm," I said. Not wanting to raise suspicion that I'm not relieved (because I am) I added, "I am. Very."

"I'm sorry about stuff I've said before, Kee," said Louise. "It wasn't nice of me to go on at you about Terry. It's pretty obvious to me now that you don't fancy him. I think it's nice he's getting over it, though. And Lisa really likes him, I heard her talking to Padma about it last week."

"Yes. It's nice," I lied.

"Oh, by the way, what's this I hear about you and Justin Finch-Fletchley?"

I sat bolt upright.

"What have you heard?" I asked.

"Well I've heard rumours that he fancies you," said Louise, smiling at me. "And I know you went to Hogsmeade with him. Is there any truth in that, d'you think? Is there anything you haven't told me?"

Justin Finch-Fletchley may fancy me?

Double yessssssssssssssssssssss!