A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Saturday 19^th May
10:50
Common room

I can't stop thinking about that conversation I overheard yesterday. There's a lot of subtext in things like that. I could interpret it in several ways:

Anthony is cross with Terry because he hasn't been spending enough time with him and they are meant to be best friends. Terry thinks this is unfair. THIS I KNOW FOR CERTAIN. However, the following things are debatable:

Yeah right, Matthews. Get a grip. All that I have proved is that I have crap gaydar.

Sunday 20^th May
15:30
Common room

"I'M GOING TO KILL THAT SCABBY MAN-WHORE!"

"Hello, Yaz."

Yasmin came stomping down the girl's stairs, followed by Louise, who was looking amused but a little scared. Everyone was watching, and I could see why. Yasmin is normally very calm. The only time I've seen her this angry was back in the first year when Michael Corner made a crude remark about her mother's photo. If Carmichael - I'm assuming it's Carmichael she's angry with - is heading for the same fate, he's going to have his lights punched out. Considering she's so skinny Yasmin is very strong.

"What's up, Yasmin?" I asked, as Yasmin stormed over to me with a face like thunder.

"He's what's up!" she snarled. "He. Him. That bastard that I made the mistake of becoming affiliated with!"

"Uh...she's discovered that Eddie has a few...eh...infidelity issues," said Louise, trying not to laugh.

"Really?" I said, and I was genuinely surprised. I didn't realise there was another person in this school who was stupid enough to go out with Eddie Carmichael. "Who's he been going off with?"

"Miles Bletchley!"

Ok. That I was not expecting. My complete disbelief was pretty obvious when my chin hit my chest.

"Miles Bletchley?" I spluttered. "Isn't he the Slytherin Keeper?"

"Yes!" Yasmin said forlornly, sitting down heavily next to me so I practically bounced a foot off the sofa. She's always been one for melodrama. "I've been rejected for a boy who probably has troll blood in him."

"Turns out he and Eddie have been secretly going at it for quite a while," said Louise, who was wearing a badly-disguised look of delight.

"How long?" I asked.

"About a year," said Louise.

Yasmin was looking ready to kill. I moved as far away from her as I could without actually getting up.

"How did you find out?"

"Well, there were rumours that Bletchley was gay going round for ages, but we figured that someone who didn't like him had started it just to be spiteful," explained Louise as Yasmin didn't seem to be able to speak. "But even if he had been, we wouldn't have suspected that he and Eddie Carmichael would be...uh...together if you catch my drift..."

"Drift caught."

"...if Ronie hadn't mentioned that there was also a suspicion that Eddie swings both ways."

"Can't you just say 'is bisexual'?" snapped Yasmin. "Honestly! You're sixteen! Grow up!"

"I'm nearly seventeen," said Louise reproachfully.

"Hang on," I said. "By Ronie, do you mean Sherona?"

"Yes."

"Mandy's sister Sherona?"

"Yes."

"Sherona Brocklehurst, the biggest liar in the fourth year?"

"That's the one," said Louise, looking a bit embarrassed.

"And you actually believed something that she told you?" I said.

"That turned out to be true," said Louise defensively. "Anyway, we did some snooping - research, if you will - and when that proved to be a tad suspicious we launched a small investigation."

"I wasn't told about this," I said, feeling rather hurt that they'd left me out on this. After all, they're my best friends.

"That's because you have been spending no time with us lately," said Yasmin, waspishly, and I felt even more left out than ever. "You're always going off with Adam."

Actually, I spend most of my time alone or with whoever turns up - usually Justin or Terry - but I don't really want to tell them that. It would imply that I have no life to speak of.

I don't, but people don't need to know.

Let them believe I go off with Adam. It makes them happy. It makes Louise go, "Aww! You spend so much time together! That's so sweet!" and Mandy gets all jealous and sarky. It's quite funny to watch Mandy get jealous, because she gets all hot and bothered and surly. She can't hide anything, and she can't resist making a jab if she's in a bad mood.

I'm extremely bored by the whole thing.

Monday 21^st May
12:53
Arithmancy
Passing Notes

Kee, this may sound a bit strange, but could you lend me 5oz powdered unicorn horn? I don't have any. Lulu x

Yeah, sure, I have some extra. You can buy it in Hogsmeade, you know. What do you need it for, anyway?

Just to make a potion.

What potion? You're not even doing Potions this year.

Don't worry about it.

Seriously, Lou, what are you trying to make? It's not illegal, is it?

No, not at all, I just don't want to say.

Louise, tell me or no unicorn horn for you.

Fine. But promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise you won't even mention it. Not even to me.

I promise. Good God, Lou, what is it?

Contraception potion.

Keira?

Keira, please write back.

I have nothing to say.

You'll still lend me the stuff, right? It's one of the key ingredients.

Well, yes, of course, but you can understand I'm feeling a bit...well, disturbed to say the least.

Disturbed?

The image of you and Dean is not a pleasant one.

Grow up, Keira, it's not that big a deal.

It is. And even if it wasn't, I don't really want to know. It's none of my business. And anyway, there isn't anyway for you to go. There's no way you'll get into Gryffindor Tower. And he is not coming into our dormitory.

Do you think we haven't planned that far ahead, Keira? We have somewhere. And if you didn't want to know you shouldn't have asked me. A bit stupid of you to ask, hmm?

Where?

I'm not telling you!

I bet you don't.

We do, actually, we've planned it all out.

What if you get caught? You'll be in so much trouble!

They can't expel us for being in love.

Louise, you don't even know the meaning of love! And no, they can't expel you for being in love, but they can expel you for having a shag in the dormitories of another house!

For Christ's Sake, Keira, we AREN'T GOING INTO THE DORMITORIES! We have somewhere to go, I told you! And who are you to tell me that I don't know the meaning of love?

Your friend.

Keira, you're so unfair!

Keira, write back.

Please reply, this isn't funny.

Keira, I'm going to bloody kill you!

13:30
Courtyard

I can't even look at Louise. Hopefully Yasmin and Mandy haven't noticed that it's a bit awkward between us.

I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE IS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH DEAN THOMAS.

And I can't believe she's asking me to give her the ingredients for a contraception potion!

I feel so defiled. Dirty and defiled.

Of course, I'm going to give her the unicorn horn. It's one of the main ingredients. Without it, the potion would be completely useless and she could end up pregnant. And that would be terrible. She'd have to leave school, and it would be really humiliating for her as well. I mean, even in the Muggle world you have to be pretty stupid to get pregnant in this day and age. In the wizarding world you have to be nothing short of brain-dead.

No. I may be appalled by it, but I'm going to give Louise the ingredients she needs. I think Shagging-Dean-Thomas Louise is better than Knocked-Up Louise overall.

Talk has once again returned to this week's hot topic: Eddie Carmichael.

"I can't believe he'd do that to me!" Yasmin is moaning.

"Have you confronted him yet?" asked Mandy, thoughtfully chewing on a banana.

"Well, no," admitted Yasmin. "But I'm going to, don't worry."

"Seems to me," said Mandy, "that you'd be better off getting your revenge rather than dumping him immediately. Put him through what he's put you through before you ditch him callously."

"What, you mean I should cheat on him with a girl?" said Yasmin.

"Not necessarily," said Mandy. "But if you do, I think Ronie would be willing. If what's written on the wall of the fourth floor girl's toilets is anything to go by, she shops on the other side of the road."

Yasmin gave Mandy and extremely scathing look. I thought it was quite funny, actually. I've seen what's written in those toilets and it's highly amusing, especially when you don't like the person it's written about.

"So what do you have in mind that doesn't involve getting off with a girl?" asked Yasmin.

"I don't know, but I'm sure there're plenty of mean things you could do to him," shrugged Mandy. "Most of them involve public humiliation."

"Tell me more," said Yasmin at once.

"I can't think of them all right now!" said Mandy impatiently. "But I think it's time we launched Operation Vengeance, am I right?"

"You sound so unbelievably cliché," I said. "But yeah, sounds fun."

"I'm in," said Louise.

"Do we have to call it Operation Vengeance?" said Yasmin. "That sounds so much like a crap Muggle movie."

"What's a movie?" said Mandy.

"Never mind."

18:40
Common room
Scheming

We've come up with our first Get Carmichael plot. It involves Yasmin pretending that she wants to sleep with him, inviting him up to our dormitory and then throwing him out at the last minute in his underwear or whatever for the entire world to see.

It's not my fault. I wanted the Cat Plan. I was outvoted.

The problem is persuading Yasmin into it. She doesn't even want to hint at sex. I mean, I know she's a Catholic and everything but she isn't strict. And it isn't even proper sex.

But I don't think it's Yasmin's Catholicism that's holding her back.

No, I think it's that she doesn't want to be so mean to Carmichael.

She won't admit it, obviously. She's really, really angry and she's trying to remain as pissed off as possible. However she's finding it increasingly difficult to stay angry because I do genuinely think she likes Carmichael. A lot more than he deserves, too. He's a slimy git with about as much scruple as a homicidal, Devil-serving thief and she's one of the top students in the year. And she's also really nice.

Yet she still likes him.

Weird.

Tuesday 22^nd May
20:00
Dormitory

I ran out of powdered unicorn horn, so I had to go down to the Potions store cupboards and get some from Professor Slughorn. I don't mind him, but he wanted to strike up a conversation with me that I really didn't want to take part in.

"So, Miss Matthews, why do you want powdered unicorn horn all of a sudden?" he asked as I begrudgingly followed him to the store cupboard.

"Just topping up," I lied. I'm a crap liar. I probably went all red and flustered.

He either didn't notice or care, because he didn't pursue the topic. He just handed over a little jar of the stuff.

"Should keep you going," he said. "We're not going to be using too much this term, so you can get some from the Hogsmeade Apothecary if you run out again."

"Uh...thanks, Professor," I said, unable to think of a better reply.

"So, you're very good at Potions, I've noticed," he said, to my horror. I really didn't want to stay and chat to a teacher. It would basically prove that I have no life.

"Thanks," I said, trying not to sound too ungrateful.

"Did either of your parents have a knack for it at school?" he asked. "I have to say, I don't remember a Matthews when I was teaching here."

"My parents aren't wizards," I said. I hate it when people question my heritage. It was awful in the second year. I went around terrified most of the time, hiding behind my friends in case something huge with claws jumped out of a broom cupboard. I heard some rumour about a giant spider. I'm glad I never encountered it.

"Really?" said Slughorn, all interested. "I have to say, you're very talented, considering you don't have any magical background."

"Thank you," I said, again, praying that he wouldn't carry on talking about my parentage. It's a touchy subject.

"Yes, there's another girl in your year who's remarkably talented, and her parents are Muggles," said Slughorn. "A Miss Hermione Granger. Do you know her?"

"Vaguely," I said. It's true. I've spoken to her and she seems alright. A bit on the bossy side, but not nasty. Although I did hear that she attacked Ron Weasley with canaries. That is a bit on the nasty side.

"Nice girl," said Slughorn. "Seems to get on well with Cormac McLaggen."

"Who?"

"Oh, you don't know Cormac? He's in Gryffindor. Excellent Keeper, I hear."

"Oh, him," I said, remembering the incident when he knocked Harry Potter out with a Bludger in the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match. Hardly an excellent Keeper. I don't know why he had a Bludger and a Beater's bat when he's a Keeper, but oh well. Prats don't need reasons.

"You've got a lot of intelligent people in your house," said Slughorn, who to my despair showed no sign of letting me leave. "There's yourself, of course, and there's Miss Patil, Miss Moon, Mr Boot, Mr Corner..."

"Yes, well, Ravenclaw prized intelligence," I said, hoping to end the conversation there and leave.

No.

"I've heard a lot about Rowena Ravenclaw," said Slughorn. "One of the more interesting founders. She came up with the moving staircases idea, did you know that?"

"Eh...yes, actually, I did," I said.

"Well, common knowledge these days, isn't it?" said Slughorn, trying to pretend he didn't care that I already knew one of his prize pieces of little-known trivia. "Most people have read Hogwarts: A History."

"Mmmm," I said.

"I say, it was a shame we didn't get to know each other a bit earlier on in the year," said Slughorn, and I privately thanked god that we hadn't. "I could have invited you to my Christmas party. A good do, it was."

"Yes, I'm sure it was. It sounded fun," I lied. From what Padma told me it was incredibly boring. The only thing that made up for it, she said, was that she was allowed to bring Blaise, and spent most of the evening under the mistletoe with him. Personally that would ruin my evening, but that's just me.

"Yes, well, these things can't be helped," he said, jovially. He's not nasty, but he really annoys me. "Well, it's getting quite late. I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then, Miss Matthews, eh?"

And he finally let me leave.

Talking to a teacher is probably the saddest thing you can do, and I just did it, despite the fact that it was involuntary.

Oh. My. God.

20:30

True to form, I ended up alone in the dormitory in front of the full-length mirror.

There is no doubt about it, I'm gaining weight. I'm going to end up with a huge bum if I carry on eating all that chocolate. Although on the bright side, I think my boobs are growing, albeit slowly.

The problem with being me is not that I'm ugly. I'm not ugly. I'm not particularly attractive, but I'm not ugly. No, the problem is that everyone else is prettier than me. Well, most people. Ravenclaw is not just the house of brains; it is the house of beauty as well. You can tell that by looking at the other girls in my year. Louise, Padma, Elodie, Lisa...they're all really smart and really pretty.

It's not fair.

I know I should be grateful. I'm healthy, I'm privileged and I'm going out with one of the most sought-after boys in Ravenclaw. But the thing is, I don't want to go out with him that much.

Yes, he's incredibly, ridiculously, unbelievably good-looking.

And yes, it does mean that I have a purpose in school. I am not longer "Keira Matthews: That Ravenclaw Sixth Year Who's Friends With Yasmin Moon, Louise Spinks And Mandy Brocklehurst". I'm "Keira Matthews: Adam Chambers' Girlfriend".

It boosts my reputation.

But there's a small problem, and it comes in the form of Justin Finch-Fletchley. Because as much as I like Adam - and I do, I guess, he's nice - Justin makes him pale into insignificance.

It doesn't help that Terry Boot keeps being all annoying.

Terry really is beginning to confuse me. He's all irritating one moment, and then he's completely ignoring me, and then he's randomly kissing me, and then he's all moody again. I thought girls were supposed to be the moody hormonal ones. Apparently Terry is the exception that proves the rule.

I think about him way too much.

Wednesday 23^rd May
19:30
Common room

Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

I was rushed off my feet earlier, looking for my Defence Against the Dark Arts homework - which, by the way, I still haven't done and is due in tomorrow - and, quite logically, I decided that my bag would be a good place to look. However, I realised that I'd left my bag upstairs in the dormitory. So I went upstairs to get it.

And found Elodie lying on top of Su Li on one of the beds.

Neither of them were fully clothed.

I screamed and ran for the hills.

Possible Reasons Why Everyone in Ravenclaw Appears to Want or Is Having Sex at the Moment

1) Because they feel that they've got as far as they can in their relationships without having sex, so therefore feel that to get any further it has to be consummated.
2) Because it's fashionable.
3) Because there's something in the water that makes people really horny.
4) Because one party is feeling pressured whilst the other party is unwilling, however doesn't want to lose the affections of the pressuring party, so does it anyway.
5) Because they're all temporarily insane.
6) Because it's normal at this age. (?)
7) Because they all want to have children really early.
8) Because they're all actually under the control of Death Eaters who got a bit bored one day and thought it would be a great laugh to get everyone to sleep together.
9) They're all in love. (Yeah right.)
10) Because I'm not.