A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Monday 14^th May
8:30
Moping in favourite armchair

Have just spent fifteen minutes rushing round in psychotic rage trying to find Transfiguration books, to realise I'd already put them in my bag. I feel like one of those women on those show-the-public-how-crap-your-life-is-and-have-someone-invade-your-space-and-de-stress-your-life-when-you'd-really-rather-they-just-went-home-and-left-you-to-it programmes.

Louise says I need a self-help book or something. She said I could borrow hers and then thrust a six tonne paperback with some smug pseudo-attractive model on the front at me. Hmm. Self-Help for the Teenage Witch.

There is a word that would be very relevant here, but I can't seem to be able to put my finger on it.

Ah yes, I remember.

Bollocks.

10:40
Courtyard

God, the most pathetic thing just happened.

In the scrum to get out of Transfiguration, I walked slap bang into someone and dropped all my books.

Ok, not particularly embarrassing. But when I stood up I was looking right into Harry Potter's face.

Yep, that's right. I'd slammed into Harry Potter. I'd dropped my books onto the feet of a Dark-Lord defying super-celebrity.

And what was worse, Mandy was clinging onto my arm within two seconds. Like a sonic-speed leech.

"Sorry," I muttered, and Harry turned away.

However, Mandy couldn't leave it. She started to babble. "Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry for my friend, Harry! She's a little bit clumsy, see. I'm really sorry about her. She didn't mean it. Did you drop anything? Can I help you? Did she hurt you?"

And so on. He didn't even look at her. Either he's deaf or he was too embarrassed to actually look. Either way, Mandy didn't take the hint. She's still going on and on about it.

"Oh my God, oh my God! He looked at me! He actually took three seconds to look at me! And he looked right into my eyes, too! Ooh, do you think he noticed the unusual shade of brown that they are? He has such lovely eyes. So green, and flecked with a kind of green-blue colour. It was like he was looking past my eyes, deep, deep into my soul...like he really felt for me and understood me."

"Mandy, he looked at you like you were a total nutcase."

"Oh, he's so cute! I love him to pieces! He's so meant for me, and I think he's beginning to realise it. The way he looked at me, like I was the only person in the room. You know, I think he's beginning to forget about Hermione Granger and move on to me."

"Uh, Mandy, this is the second time he's acknowledged your existence."

But apparently I am wrong; he looked at her in a very meaningful way that told her all about his deep, undying passion for her. Yes, that is what she said, word for word.

Sure.

Tuesday 15^th May
20:20
The library

Mandy and Lou were annoying me so much I had to retreat to the library. I'm meant to be doing my Arithmancy but I don't understand it. I say that, what I mean is that I can't be asked to do it.

Adam came over to me when I was in the common room earlier. Louise looked at me meaningfully and scarpered, leaving Adam to occupy her empty seat.

"Hi," he said, smiling his sexy smile at me. I tried to smile back without looking too scary and also hoping he hadn't spotted the brand new spot I have on my chin.

"What you doing?" he asked me, shuffling closer and putting his hand on mine.

"Well, I was talking to Louise, but I'm not any more," I said.

"Oh. Cool," he said.

We sat in silence for ages. I tried not to look him in the face because I knew that if I did I'd end up going a very bright shade of red. And that would be deeply unattractive.

"So what classes did you have today?" he asked, casually draping his arm around the back of my chair.

"Oh, I...uh...Transfiguration, Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Herbology and Arithmancy," I gabbled, quite proud that I hadn't hideously mispronounced any words. I swear dating someone involves being able to relax around them. If I relax, I'll end up talking total gibberish. I'm sure love isn't meant to be this difficult.

"Cool," he said. And that was the end of that sparkling piece of conversation. I could see Mandy and Louise ogling away from their corner by the fire, and it was quite off putting. That was, until Adam's head obscured them from vision and he started kissing me.

I have to say, he's not bad at kissing at all. I know I have little experience, but still.

He broke away after about thirty seconds - leaving me hanging there with my mouth slightly open. Bet that looked attractive - and said, "Well, I have Quidditch practice. I'll see you later."

And then Mandy and Louise came racing over and started babbling non stop. So I had to take cover in here.

God this is boring. The only person I can see is Hermione Granger, pouring over some huge book. She's been looking a bit happier lately, I've noticed. She's been a nervous wreck all year, but over the past couple of weeks she's been looking happier. Not healthier, but definitely happier. I may go up to her and suggest that she genially spends more time with people and less time with books. Although she'd probably kill me.

I wonder if she can actually remember who I am. I was her Arithmancy partner in the fourth year, so I should think so. But not many people tend to remember me. Half the year calls me Kara.

"Hello."

"ARGH!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and fell off my chair. As I looked up from the floor, I saw a tall boy with blonde curly hair and cheekbones - good God, the cheekbones - leaning over me.

Yep. You guessed it. Justin Finch-Fletchley, looking a little bit muddy and a lot more casually dressed than usual. (Rather sexy, may I add.)

"Uh...hi," I said sheepishly, feeling my body temperature rise about 80 degrees and sitting up, hoping my hair hadn't taken on a particularly awful shape. "Sorry about that. I wasn't expecting you to be there."

"I guessed," said Justin, grabbing my hands (I thought I was going to have a heart attack at this point) and pulling me up, smiling that smile of his. (Yum.) "So how are you?"

"Embarrassed," I blurted out, scrambling back onto my chair. Dammit, that was about as cool as a melted ice cream. "But yeah, I'm ok. And howzit with you?"

Oh my God, I did not just say howzit.

"I'm alright," he said. "Not in a great mood, though."

"Why?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing you'd be interested in," he said, shrugging.

"I have all day," I said, pulling the chair out from next to me.

He smiled and sat down.

"Well, Ellie and I had this stupid fight," he said, leaning on his hand in an oh-so-sexy way. "I asked her if she'd mind if I didn't meet her tonight because I was trying out for the Quidditch team, and then she got really angry with me and said that I obviously didn't love her like she loved me and I needed to get my priorities right if I wanted to be with her."

"Why the Hell do you want to be with stupid bitchy Smellodie when I'm sitting right in front of you madly in love with you and ready to be your devoted life-long slave?"

...I was tempted to say. But didn't. Instead I said, "Oh, well, that's sad...don't you think she's being the teeniest bit unfair, though?"

"I don't know," said Justin, kneading his forehead with his knuckles. "I mean, I really, really like Ellie; she's so sweet..." News to me. "...but she seems to want to spend every waking moment with me. It's nice but it's annoying, too, because all my free time is taken up with her. I can't even hang around with my friends unless she has Charms Club or something."

Elodie goes to Charms Club?

"And she keeps going on about love and how she thinks I'm special and how she's never felt this way about anyone else and I have to smile and go along with it and say, 'I love you too' when actually it's really putting the pressure on. I'm sixteen, for crying out loud! I haven't experienced love yet! But all the same, I really like her and now our whole relationship's teetering on the edge because I had to try out for the damned Quidditch team."

I just sat there, planning out my case as to why Justin should ditch Smellodie. By the sound of it there were enough problems. When he finds out that all the things she says about love are total crap, he's going to be even more annoyed.

I wonder if I could subtly bring it up.

Anyway, he looked at me, grinned and said, "I guess you're bored of hearing this already. We don't even know each other that well, after all, and I'm pouring out my grievances."

"Oh no, not a problem," I trilled. "I'll always be ready to listen to you if you want to talk." Oh God, I sound like an agony aunt. Which is really not a good thing.

Justin smiled.

"Thanks," he said. "You're a good listener. I guess I'll see you around?"

He thinks I'm a good listener. Me. I.

Ha.

Wednesday 16^th May
17:30
The common room

I've finally finished Three Men in a Boat. It was quite good, but old fashioned. I suppose it's all the same with these Victorian novels. But with a name like Jerome K. Jerome I think you can be given special liberties. I wouldn't be writing fantastic stuff with a name like that.

I'm so bored. I can't think of anything to do. The only halfway interesting thing that happened today was when I bumped into Pansy Parkinson and she fell into her (mercifully empty) cauldron. She really hates my guts, and it's mostly not my fault. After all, I didn't choose to be Muggle-Born.

I may end up having to go looking for Mandy's diary again, or - heaven forbid - actually have a read of Louise's stupid self-help book. I can't think of anything else to read.

18:55
The dormitory
DIARY OPENED!!!!

Muahahaha! I have at last opened Mandy's diary!

Ok, yeah, I shouldn't be looking in my friend's diary in the first place. I'm the lowest organism in the universe, friend only to the semi-evolved ocean slime and the kleptomaniac serial killer.

Stuff them, stuff that, I am proud.

It was quite simple, really. I couldn't find the key to Mandy's diary, so I took the cover off. See? I have ideas. And I know exactly how to stick it back on again. I'm surprised I didn't think of that charm earlier, actually, but never mind.

Anyway, I opened it up, ready to read the top-secret workings of Mandy Brocklehurst's brain, and I found the first page covered in little hearts with "HP" written in them.

The originality.

19:30

This is brilliant.

Dear diary,
This morning I got up and dressed before going down to breakfast and having sausages with ketchup and fried mushrooms. I then returned to the dormitory to clean my teeth, wash and do my hair. (French plait fastened with a red tie with a small pink butterfly attached.)
I then went to Transfiguration. It was quite dull, although Harry Potter was looking particularly ravishing today. He's by far the best-looking boy in the school, and I think he's beginning to notice me.
Then I had double Divination. I think Firenze was rather better than Professor Trelawney, but I still enjoy it. I'm not with Lou, Yaz or Kee though, so I have to sit with Lisa, who can be a bit irritating at times.
I ate lunch - shepherd's pie and broccoli - in the Great Hall with Louise and then we met Keira and Yasmin by the lake. We had fun but Keira was being a bit moody, and that wasn't so great.
After lunch I had Herbology and History of Magic. Herbology was very interesting; we're beginning more advanced work on Venomous Tentacula. History of Magic wasn't quite as interesting as we haven't finished with the Irish Troll Rampages yet. Professor Binns is really rather dull.
I had stew for supper, which was nice. I didn't have any dumplings though. I still want to lose four pounds. I didn't have Quidditch practise today because Bradley's got remedial Defence Against the Dark Arts and couldn't call one.
I can't think of anything else interesting that happened today, so I won't write any more.
Mandy

This is copied out word-for-word. I am not exaggerating on anything. Absolutely nothing was left out or added in. The above text is not edited and is completely unabridged.

It is really quite tragic. I'm torn between laughing and weeping for the sake of humanity.

21:00

Mandy asked me if I'd seen a little leather book because she needed it vitally.

Oops.

Thursday 17^th May
20:40
The common room

I've just had a very...eh...interesting conversation.

I was happily sitting in my usual armchair watching Yasmin and Morag play Exploding Snap, when Michael comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder.

"Evening, Matthews," he said, in a surprisingly business-like tone.

"Uh...hi," I said.

"I hear you have a thing about Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said, with no hint of discretion.

"Shut up!" I hissed, sneaking a glance at Yasmin to make sure she hadn't heard. Luckily the card pile had chosen to explode right at that moment so she was a little preoccupied.

Michael grinned at me.

"Care to take a walk with me?" he asked. "I feel we need to do some talking."

"Uh..."

"Glad to hear it. Come on."

And I reluctantly followed him out of the portrait hole.

Funny. I like Michael and everything, but we were never bestest buddies or anything. He's funny, and dead brainy, but he always struck me as a bit full of himself. He has a right to be, seeing as he's really good-looking and has loads of girls after him. But here I am being escorted down to the lake for a stroll and a talk.

Seems I'm Miss Popular these days.

Anyway, we got down to the lake and he turned to face me.

"Right," he said, just as professionally as he had been in the common room. "What have you done to Terry?"

"What?"

"I said what have you done to Terry?"

"I know what you said! I haven't done anything to Terry!"

"You have," said Michael, calmly. "He's changed. He's not like he used to be. He's all moody and snappy. And the only thing that's changed is that he's spending more and more time with you lately. So you've got to be the thing that's changed him."

"That is hardly Earth Logic," I snapped, although it was and I know it. "It could be something he's not telling you about."

"Oh, I know he's not telling me it," said Michael. "I worked it out myself. But I know you've got something to do with it. And frankly, I don't like new Terry. He's a moody grouch and a complete spoilsport. I want my friend back, please, so whatever you're doing to him, stop doing it."

"............."

I just gaped. Really. I honestly couldn't think of anything to say.

"Anyway, I hear that despite public displays of affection for our own Adam Chambers, you're sweet on Justin Finch-Fletchley."

I just scowled at him. He seemed to find this funny. As he appeared to be waiting for me to speak, I said. "I suppose Terry's been bitching about me with you, has he?"

Michael laughed.

"Hardly," he said. "I found your notebook. I need to give it back, actually, I was going to but I haven't seen you all day."

"Oh," I said, blushing slightly at my false accusations of bitching.

"Well, I have to say, you haven't got a clue about men," said Michael, leaning up against a tree trunk. I have to admit, he's really good-looking, but then we all know that my brain is a bit of a nymphomaniac.

"That's out of order!" I said, hotly. "Who are you to tell me about men?"

"A man," said Michael, simply. "And someone who knows a damn bit more about dating than you. But if you don't want to know, then don't ask."

"I didn't," I said.

"Oh. Never mind," said Michael. I was reminded strongly of Terry. I can see why those two are such good friends; they're both bloody annoying. And in the same way.

After quite an awkward and long period of dead silence, I said, "So, is that all you dragged me out here to talk about? To accuse me off doing something to Terry and to tell me I'm useless with men?"

Michael didn't answer, he just looked at his watch. It's one of those funny wizard fandangos. I haven't managed to work out how people manage to tell the time by those.

"Well, it's a bit late," he said. "Better go in, now we've sorted that out. You coming?"

"Are you even going to answer me?" I said, crossly.

"Uh...no, don't think so," said Michael, shrugging. "I thought that my response answered it pretty well."

"You didn't even respond," I said.

"Exactly," said Michael, with an infuriating grin that reminded me scarily of Terry. "So, are you coming in?"

"I s'pose," I said, begrudgingly.

As we walked in, he said, "I have to say, I never thought you'd end up going for Adam Chambers, or Justin Finch-Fletchley. You never struck me as the type to be into pretty guys."

I gave him one of my best Looks and said that I had a lot of unexpected attributes.

"I'm not going to make a comment on an obvious joke," said Michael, leaving me completely bettered, if not a bit embarrassed. "That's what makes me better than everybody else. But anyway, you may want to watch out for Chambers. From what I've heard he's a bit of a sex-on-a-stick guy."

I went bright red. I couldn't believe Michael was talking to me like this.

"Shut up!" I snapped. "You shouldn't make those kinds of accusations!"

"I'm not accusing anyone of anything. Calm down," said Michael. "All I'm saying is that he's going to want it at some point, so be ready. Sex without love is, after all, an empty experience. As empty experiences go, though, it's a pretty good one."

I tried to stay all righteous and indignant, but that did make me laugh.

"Still," I said, a bit worried now, as he seemed serious. "Do you really think he'll want me to, y'know...?"

"Go to bed with him?" said Michael, completely bluntly. "Yeah, probably. Not right now, obviously, but at some point in the future he's going to want it. And seeing as you're callously using him, I don't think you will. So watch out, ok?" he added, turning to stand in front of me so I had to stop abruptly to prevent myself from ploughing him over. "Don't rush into anything. I like you, Keira, even if you are a complete dork at times."

"Is this the part where I'm obligated to say that I like you too?" I said.

"I'll settle for it being implied," he said, grinning at me.

I have to say, I do like Michael. He's a nice guy. I like the way he's, y'know, so nice to me, even if he can be a bit pesky. The fact that he's easy on the eyes helps, I'll grant, but I don't like him in a romantic way. Well, not really.

Damned hormones. They're turning me into a promiscuous little tart.

When we got back to the portrait hole, I felt I was obliged to say thanks. So I did. Well, not those exact words. It involved a lot of stumbling over words. After all, it's hard to thank someone for something that you don't know the name of. I think I settled for dating advice in the end.

"You're welcome, Matthews," said Michael, cheerily. "After all, when it comes to lurve, I am the Lord and Master. Asphodel. You go in first."

I clambered into the portrait hole, followed by Michael, who wondered off somewhere. Presumably to meet Cho or Terry and Anthony. I strolled over to where Yasmin was playing chess with Mandy.

"Hey," said Mandy, as Yasmin's bishop was viciously smacked off the board by Mandy's castle. "Why were you going out with Michael Corner after hours? You secretly having a thing?"

"Nope," I said. "He just gave me a bit of dating advice. After all, he is the Lord and Master."

They just looked at me.

Friday 18^th May
12:35
Library

I felt like I needed to catch up with homework, so I came in here.

And ended up eavesdropping.

It's not my fault. I walked in, returned the (week overdue) book on Transfiguration I took out, and as I was happily walking towards my usual table I heard someone say, "...following Keira Matthews around."

It was Anthony Goldstein, obviously. I could tell. And the reply came from none other than Terry Boot.

"That's not true. You can't accuse me of abandoning you, and I've had a lot of work to do recently."

So I hid behind the bookshelf. After all, I'm already going to Hell for various offences. A little bit of listening in isn't going to make a lot of difference.

"I can accuse you of abandoning me," said Anthony, and evidently he wasn't happy. "I'm supposed to be your best friend and you've exchanged about ten words with me all week. All you do is sit and brood or disappear off to places that you won't tell us about."

"I don't have to tell you everything I do," said Terry.

"No, but it'd be nice if you could tell me who is so much more important and interesting than me and Michael, rather than letting me find out for myself," Anthony retorted. "And I have to say, I need to spend more time with Keira Matthews because judging by how much time you spend with her, she's the most interesting person around!"

I don't think that's entirely flattering, but if I'm honest with myself he's right. I'm really not that interesting.

"Have you been following me?" came Terry's indignant reply.

"I followed you once, and Michael's seen you a few times," said Anthony. "And every single time you were with Keira. I know she's nice and all, but I never realised you liked her so much."

"I don't!" said Terry. "It's just circumstances!"

"Circumstances!" Anthony scoffed. "I'd like to know which circumstances meant that you two ended up snogging in the greenhouse!"

"How the Hell do you know about that?" Terry demanded. I was thinking along those lines, too.

"Hannah told me," said Anthony. "You should make sure everyone's gone if you don't want to be caught. Just a tip for next time."

I can't believe Hannah saw him kiss me! And I can't believe she told Anthony, too. I know they've been friends for ages and all, but still! I don't tell Yasmin every time I see people kissing.

Admittedly, she'd never be interested.

"That's none of your business!" Terry said, hotly. "We were settling a debt, actually."

Anthony laughed for a long time before saying, "Yeah, course you were! I'll remember that one!"

"You can ask Keira," said Terry, and he sounded angrier than I'd ever heard him before. "I'm not lying to you. I don't lie to you. I don't like Keira in that way and I never have. I just keep bumping into her."

Anthony laughed.

"Sure," he said.

"We'll finish this later," Terry said, threateningly. "Right now I need to go."

"I suppose you're going to meet Keira," said Anthony.

"No, actually, I have Charms Club," said Terry. "Before you accuse me of new offences I suggest you get your facts straight."

And he stomped off, causing Madam Pince to hiss at him as he went past.

Wow.

I had to dive into a seat as Anthony came out into my line of vision. I didn't turn around and hoped he wouldn't recognise the back of my head.

Poor Terry. Never thought I'd say that, but poor Terry. I feel a bit guilty, actually. I know I shouldn't. After all, no one asked him to spend so much time with me, least of all me. But I do feel guilty. Maybe I'll have to start hiding every time I see him.

Anyway, down to business.