A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Thursday 3^rd May
15:00
Herbology

I'm actually quite worried about this Hogsmeade weekend. Louise just sent me a note saying, He asked me to go to Hogsmeade this weekend with him! I don't have anyone to go to anything with because I am a Larry Loner with a big nose. And worse still I am still in here trying to work with Theodore bloody Nott.

"Matthews, what the hell are you doing?" he said, his weedy little arms on his hips.

"I'm watering the plant, what does it look like?" I snapped.

"I thought we were trying to examine it?"

"Believe it or not, you do have to keep it alive to be able to examine it," I informed him waspishly. I could see that Hannah was fighting to stop her hand shaking as she wrote and Terry looked on the brink of homicide. I must have done something really, really awful in a past life to deserve Theodore Nott as my project partner, I really must.

Maybe I was a wasp.

Anyway, Nott does not seem to have grasped the concept of keeping the damn plant healthy. He still insists that he wants to kill it. Personally, I'd rather kill him, but I'd get done.

Actually, I might be knighted for this immense favour to society...

16:05
Common room

Louise dragged Yasmin and me - not Mandy, because they're still not speaking - into our favourite corner and shooed the first years away. We sat down.

"Ok then, give me the details," I said, tiredly preparing myself for endless talk of Dean Thomas.

"Well, we were working on our project with Su and Neville Longbottom, and then he muttered something to me," said Louise excitably. "I didn't know what it was so I said, 'Pardon?' and he said, 'Do you want to come to Hogsmeade on Saturday with me?' all in a rush. So I said yes and now I have a date with him! And it didn't take long at all!"

"Are you sure you're not just a rebound girlfriend?" said Yasmin, suspiciously. "After all, he broke up with a pretty serious girlfriend a short time ago. He could just want someone to go on a date with. Or he could want to use you to make her jealous."

"I can't believe he's finally asked me out!" said Louise, ardently, apparently oblivious to Yasmin. They say love is blind. I reckon it's deaf too. "I've been crushing on him for so long..."

"Since Easter," I put in. "Not that long."

"...and now he's finally asked me out! I cannot believe it!"

I can. I've had to listen to it for minutes, and I predict hours longer. It's only Dean Thomas, for goodness's sake! Ok, I'll admit he's quite good-looking, and he is quite a good dancer, but come on! It's not like he's...oh God, what is his name? The incredibly good-looking guy that played Charlie in that film Four Weddings and a Funeral a few years ago? I can remember nicking it from mum and dad's DVD collection last summer and thinking, "Wow, he is gorgeous!"

Hugh Grant. That's the one!

Anyway, I deviate.

Friday 4^th May
20:00
My dormitory

Pretty uneventful day apart from Elodie tripping over her bag strap and falling up the stairs. Muahahaha. I don't think I've laughed so much in ages. I almost suffocated.

Saturday 5^th May
10:15
Common room
Day of dreaded Hogsmeade visit, to which I will be going alone because I am ugly and friendless

I cannot believe this.

Not only is Louise abandoning me because of Dean stupid Thomas, but Mandy and Yasmin are abandoning me too! Mandy can't come because Bradley called a Quidditch practice on short notice but Yasmin! You would've thought she'd come. Oh no.

Turns out she'd rather go with Eddie Carmichael.

That's right.

Crooked Carmichael, the infamous Ravenclaw miniature con-man.

He was trying to flog a load of stimulants last year. He tried to sell them to me and Louise. I was kind of tempted, but Louise was having none of it. "Think you can fool me with a bottle of white powder and a smarmy smile? On yer bike." Or words to that effect. Bless.

One would have thought that Yasmin Moon of all people would know that Carmichael is bad news, but apparently not. All he has to do is saunter up to her, say, "Hey, Moon, I've always quite liked you, d'you fancy going on a date sometime? How about coming down to Hogsmeade with me this Saturday?" and she instantly abandons me.

I am not kidding. That was his line. No, "Hi, how are you?" or, "You look nice today." Just out with it. Very forward. No beating about the bush. Hardly romantic. But it's very - and I mean very - hard to romanticize Carmichael. Sure, he's not hideous. But he's got this look about him. His eyes are a bit too close together and his hair lies a bit too flat and he's just a bit too skinny and tall.

And yes, I'll admit that he's not stupid. He got something like nine Os in his OWLs. That's seven more than I got. But brainy he may be, honest he is not. He'd sell anything. I heard he flogged his own bed to some drunk in the Hog's Head once. The fact that he was in the Hog's Head is bad enough. That place is full of conmen. The second thing is that he sold something he doesn't even own. The third is that it was to some poor sod under the influences of vast amounts of alcohol. The fourth is that he didn't even hand the bed over but still kept the fifty Galleons.

I said this to Yaz and she just said, "Oh Keira, lighten up! Can't you be happy for me?"

The answer to that is no I bloody well can't. And it's not because I don't like Carmichael, either, although I don't. It's not because she didn't even like him and that she's just saying yes because she's never had a proper boyfriend before. And it's not even because she's abandoning me.

It's because I'm jealous.

Yes. Jealous.

My best friend Yasmin Moon has got a date while I am hanging around on myself like a Larry. And I am jealous. Because I will never get a boyfriend because I am not clever like Yasmin. I'm not pretty like Louise. I'm not interesting like Mandy. I'm not rich like Elodie. No, I'm dorky and boring and plain.

What is the matter with my life? Why does it have to be so deeply unfab?

10:45

Terry Boot ambled up out of nowhere and said, "Hey, Matthews, you fancy hanging around Hogsmeade with me?"

After choking on my cheesy snacks (pilfered from Mandy's secret stash. She won't mind. Unless she finds out, in which case she will kill me.) I looked up at him.

"What? Is this a joke?"

"No, it's just Michael's off with Cho and Anthony's playing Quidditch."

"And I'm your third choice, am I?"

"Well..."

He looked a bit guilty.

"Well what?"

"More like seventh, actually."

"Seventh?"

"Hey, don't blame me! Stephen's off with Megan, Kevin hasn't done his Muggle Studies essay, Su's going with a bunch of Hufflepuffs and Mandy's got Quidditch. Then it's you. Then it's Louise, Yasmin, Morag, Padma and then Lisa."

I glared at him.

"You divide us into rank, do you?"

He shrugged. At least he had the decency to look a bit awkward.

"Hey, if you think I'm a snivelling worm or you're busy, I'll go and find Louise."

"She's of with Dean Thomas," I said. "And Yasmin, Padma and Lisa will be going with their various assortments of guys. And I don't know where Morag is. So it looks like you're stuck with me."

He grinned.

"I knew you'd see sense. Come on, then."

11:30
The window table at the Three Broomsticks

Terry's just gone to get the drinks. (I made sure I gave him the money for mine. If he bought me a drink it would just be too much like a date for my liking.)

People gave us some weird looks as we left. I kind of regretted going then. It was...well, embarrassing. I mean, it was just enforcing the rumours that we're going out, wasn't it? I think he noticed me going all red, because he said, "What the Hell's the matter now?"

"People are staring at us!"

"And?"

"Whaddoyamean and?"

"I mean and."

"People think we're going out!"

"Like I've said twice: and?"

"And, Terry, I do not want people to think that we're going out!"

"Why?"

That's kind of hard. I didn't want to tell him, because...well, y'know. It's not very nice. He'd think I'm insulting him. And I don't want to insult him. Yes, I know I usually do, but they're jokey insults. I've never genuinely put him down. Well, not to that extent. And he's never really been that mean to me seriously. I didn't want to...well, I didn't want to tell him that he annoyed me and that I didn't find him that good-looking, really. Because you don't tell people that in a not-joking way. It's just horrible.

"Uhh..."

I suddenly had an excellent idea and tripped over.

"Owww!"

Terry laughed - rather nastily, I thought - as I sat on the floor and tried to convincingly fake immense pain.

"What did you fall over?" he said, holding his hands out for me to haul myself up. It felt a bit funny knowing I was holding his hands. I don't know why. "The floor's completely clear."

"Uhh...dodgy floor slab or something," I lied. "Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry, but you are Queen of the Klutzes!" he grinned. I hit him. He hit me back. We were just beginning a very satisfactory punch-up when Filch came Filching along, giving us the ferret eye.

"What are you two doing?" he said, grumpily. He is so annoying. And grouchy.

"We're walking," Terry said. "Is that a crime?"

"Well...do it quietly!" Filch scowled, and ferreted off to do whatever it is that sad, grumpy old walking hairballs do these days.

"I swear there is a book called, 'How to be the most mean, nasty sad-sack in the entire universe' and he has read it," I said, scowling after him. (N.B. Stop scowling! It is not attractive.)

Terry laughed.

"You're nuts."

We did really speak much on the way down until we got to the Three Broomsticks. I spotted Dean Thomas and Louise together. Louise was nattering away about something, but Dean was looking around furtively. Looking for Ginny Weasley, I suspect.

Terry pulled out a chair, and as I sat down he said, "Now, even though you treat me bad, what would you like, Ms Bonkers?"

12:30
Holed up in the Three Broomsticks' Loos

I hate to say it, but I'm not actually having a bad time. Terry is quite a good laugh. He's just...really funny.

We talked A LOT. Yes, we did. We talked about loads of stuff. Then we got onto the usual delicate topic - my love life. Or lack of.

"Ooh, I think I spy your One Twoo Lub over there," said Terry, in a really, really irritating voice. Sure enough there was Justin, with his face attached to Smellodie's. Yuckety yuck yuck and blergh. "Shame. I don't think he's noticed you."

I glared at him.

"Shut up. Do you have to taunt me at every possible opportunity?"

"Well, I guess not, but I always get such a beautiful reaction."

"Shut up."

"There it is again."

I threw a bread roll at him.

"Keira, I am sure you know that violence never solved anything," said Terry in a voice that made me want to pull his head off and throw it out of the window at some innocent passer-by.

"But it makes me feel better!" I snapped. "Especially when there are highly annoying people, i.e. you, being...being...annoying!"

"Scathing," said Terry, grinning. "You know, if you didn't react, I probably wouldn't annoy you so much."

"Yeah, right. That's how you get your kicks," I said darkly.

We sat in silence for a while, until I decided to broach an equally delicate subject.

"So who d'you fancy then?" I said, trying to imitate his most maddening voice.

He shrugged. Shut up shrugging!

"I don't know, really. I don't really like girls."

I gaped.

"Dude, you're gay?"

"No!" he said, laughing. "Anyway, if I was, would you really care?"

I guess not. After all, there's nothing wrong with being gay at all. But...I don't know. Maybe it's because he's such a flirt, but I just wouldn't be able to get my head around him being gay.

Oh God, I don't know anymore.

14:13
On Woodcroft Hill
With Terry
I KNOW!

We left the Three Broomsticks after a slight episode. When I say we left, I mean we were chucked out by Madam Rosmerta, along with Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy.

We were just sitting there, minding our own business and eating what must have been our fifth round of cakes (N.B. Eat more fruit and veg!) when they all came in. And they just couldn't let the fact that we had bagged the best table go, could they?

"Oi, Mudblood!" said Parkinson, spotting me. (Is that what the Slytherins think my name is? Most of them say that when they see me these days, apart from the odd one or two.) I winced. "You're at our table."

"No I'm not," I said. "This is anybody's table. You don't own the table."

"Well, we have priority over you," said Parkinson, sneering. (This doesn't make her look very attractive, either.)

"Why's that?" said Terry, frowning as he looked he straight in the eyes.

"Because she's a filthy Muggle," said Malfoy, looking at me like he thought I was a slime creature or something. Which, I reminded myself, he almost definitely does.

"Keira is a witch," said Terry, in a voice I hadn't heard him use before. "And just because she has non-magic parents, that doesn't give you the right to treat her like scum."

Wow! He was actually sticking up for me! I felt quite chuffed, really.

Then ensued a blazing row which meant that we got chucked out. Marvellous.

"Why did you do that?" I asked Terry as we wandered off. His lip was bleeding, but at least Malfoy had a very satisfactory black eye. (I got away unharmed. Sadly so did Parkinson.)

"Well, I can't stand Muggle-Born prejudice," he said, shrugging. "And I've taken on Malfoy before. And won."

"You have? When?"

"On the train home last year," said Terry. "He and his mates were picking on Harry Potter, and we thought that as he'd done so much for us in the DA..."

I remember the DA. Padma told me about it, but made me swear not to tell anyone. I meant to look in on it but I never really got around to it. We made people swear not to mention it in front of Mandy, though, or it'd be unbearable.

"...that we decided to hex them. They ended up looking like giant slugs. It was funny."

"We?"

"Well, there was me, Anthony, Ernie McMillan, Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones and your dear beloved Justin..."

"Shut up!"

"...so I shouldn't really say that I've taken him on. Although I just did, so that's another mark to my name."

I laughed. I actually can remember hearing a rumour of a fight on the train last year involving Malfoy, Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe but I didn't know that Terry - or Justin, for that matter - was involved in it.

By this time we'd reached Woodcroft Hill, a.k.a Hogsmeade Snogging Grounds. Erk. I could tell this was going to be awkward, but Terry didn't seem to have anything like that in mind at all. On the contrary, he sat down and sprawled out on the grass, closing his eyes against the sun. Totally forgetting about me. Humph.

His hair goes a bit strange when he lies down, I notice. A bit scruffy. It's odd, but it's quite attractive. I guess Terry is quite good-looking in a slightly irritating kind of way. But he's not a patch on Justin.

"What are you writing?" said Terry, still with his eyes closed.

"Nothing important," I lied, making sure he couldn't suddenly snatch my diary off me. You can never be quite sure what exactly is going through Terry Boot's head. I know from experience.

There was one of those long awkward silences. I hate those. He didn't appear to be in a start-the-conversation mood, so I had to do it.

"Terry?"

"Mmm?"

"D'you ever think about the future?"

"The future? Yeah, loads. In the future - say, in about thirty minutes - I'm going to buy some sherbet from Honeydukes."

I hit him, but not too hard.

"No, stupid! I mean like...career and marriage and kids and that."

"Yeah, course I do. I do have plans; I'm not stupid."

He was sitting up now, looking at me. His hair was all tousled. Quite cute, really. Oh shut up, brain, you stupid nymphomaniac!

Resisting the temptation to say something along the lines of, "News to me," I looked him dead in the eyes (and tried not to blink, which made my eyes water like anything) and said, "Oh yeah? What are you going to do, then?"

"I'm going to be a Mediwizard," he said, without any trace of emotion. "That's what I've wanted to be for ages."

Wow. I didn't know Terry Boot had dreams. He always seemed a very live-for-the-moment person. However, here he was, sharing his greatest ambition with me. Well, I guess you learn a new thing every day.

"What about you?" said Terry, the irritating smile back on his face now. To be honest, it was a slight relief. It's weird when he goes serious. "Are you going to marry Finch-Fletchley, become rich, live in a massive house and have many intelligent and considerate children?"

"Shut. The. Hell. Up."

Actually, I wouldn't mind the above scenario happening at all, it just sounds so awful written down like that. And when it's being said by some sarky idiot with messed up hair.

"And, for your information, I want to join the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures," I retorted, just to shut him up. I was very miffed, therefore, when he shrugged in a way that stank of, "Tell me something I don't know."

"I knew that," he said. "You love Care of Magical Creatures."

I frowned. Does he have to know every tiny detail about me? Without my consent? After all, he knows about my thing for Justin, and even Yasmin, Lou and Mandy don't know that. I said that to him. He looked at me in a weird way.

"You're telling me that I know about your deep, mad passion for Finch-Fletchley..."

"It is not deep, mad passion!"

"...and none of your so-called best friends do?"

He leant back and propped himself up on his elbows.

"Wow."

"What do you mean 'wow'?" I demanded. "It's not like I told you. You snuck up behind me and looked at my notebook!"

"I know, but still. I would've thought you'd have told Yasmin or Louise or Mandy or something."

"Mandy? Are you kidding? If I tell Mandy the whole school will know by tomorrow. Including the teachers."

"Touché. So are you ever going to come out and tell Finch-Fletchley that you're madly in love with him? You're too scared, aren't you?"

Actually, he's right. I need to let Justin know just how horrible Smellodie really is so he can realise how much he wants MEMEME. And then I need to let him know that I want him too. However, I am way to scared that he's going to laugh me down.

However there is no way I'm ever going to let Terry Boot know he is right.

No way.

Nada.

Never.

16:55
Walking back to school

"I hate to say I told you so..."

"Shut. Up."

"...although I have prepared a little 'I was right' dance for later..."

"Bugger. You."

"...because it's so fun to be right, you know."

"Get. Lost."

"Oh, hang on, I'm sorry! I forgot that you don't know just how fun it is to be right!"

"Terry, if you don't shove the Hell off in the next five minutes, I'm going to..."

"What? Owww! You're so touchy and unreasonable."

"You deserved it."

"And violent."

Ten reasons why Terry Boot is the most aggravating bloke to ever walk the planet

10) He has to be right all the time.
9) He gets his kicks from driving me nuts.
8) He just can't let the opportunities to jibe me about Justin go.
7) I'm only his seventh choice for going to Hogsmeade.
6) He has a different annoying voice to suit every situation.
5) He has a weird ability to appear out of nowhere.
4) He knows pretty much everything about me, even stuff that my best mates don't know, be it who I fancy, what I want to be when I leave Hogwarts or Leila's NEWT grades.
3) He is too damned clever.
2) He has violent mood swings. I'm not kidding. One minute he's totally sombre, the next he's laughing at everything you do. And then he's back to the not-speaking, straight-faced seriousness.
1) Because my stupid brain won't shut up about him being a bit good-looking.