A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Sunday 29^th April
13:19
By the lake

Usual spot under a nice shady tree. Yummmmmmm, the weather is so delicious at the moment. Lovely and warm and sunny. Shame that I've got:

1) Exam revision
2) Homework
3) Elodie

to ruin the fun. Ah well. Life goes on.

I have finally got Aguamenti down to a fine art. Well, sort of. It no longer spurts out in rivers, anyway, which is an improvement. I can kind of control the water. I guess Charms just aren't my strong point.

On the dark side I have a new spot on my chin. Mandy tells me that if I pick it it'll go septic but what does she know? Her forehead looks like a bomb crater because of that dodgy switching spell.

Oh goody, here come a bunch of Hufflepuffs. Good because Justin is with them. Bad because Zacharias Smith is too. Does anyone outside of Hufflepuff actually like him? I sincerely doubt it. It's not that he's mean to me in particular, but he's so irritating!

"Hello," I said, looking up and trying not to go red as Justin looked at me.

"Kara, isn't it?" asked Samuel Roper.

"Keira," said Justin.

"But what's a couple of vowels between chums, eh?" I said, although on the inside I was yelling, "HE REMEMBERS MY NAME, HE REMEMBERS MY NAME!"

"You're under our tree," said Smith.

"This isn't your tree," I said. "It's rightfully anybody's tree. And I'm anybody, so it's mine too. Besides, I'm meeting Lou here in a minute."

"Lou?"

"Louise Spinks."

"Oh," said Smith, mollified. It's amazing how a guy makes an effort to be nice to me after they find out Louise is one of my best friends. Well, actually no it's not, but it's quite funny. "Ok then."

They all sat down around me. I started talking to Ernie Macmillan, who I get on well with because we were paired up in Care of Magical Creatures at one point. He's a bit on the snobby side but there's no harm in him.

"How are you then Keira?" he asked me.

"I'm cool," I said. "You?"

I was attempting to be as nonchalant as possible, as Justin just happened to be there. In fact, he actually turned to talk to me.

"Is Ellie coming with Louise?" he asked. "I need to talk to her about something."

"I don't know," I said.

"Damn. I wish I could tell her to come without running all the way into the castle," said Justin. "But I don't know where on Earth she is."

"Shame they don't have mobile phones in the wizarding world," I said.

"Yeah!" agreed Justin. "That's one thing Muggles have created that could be so useful in the wizarding world."

(I knew it! I knew that we were meant to be. We have the same views on mobile phones. It's sooooooooooooo obvious that we are destined for each other. Sometimes being a Muggle-Born rocks, i.e. when you are in love with another Muggle-Born so you can discuss the good things about Muggles.)

"Oh, we did mobile phones in Muggle Studies!" said Ernie, excitedly. "Aren't they those plastic box-like things with buttons that Muggles can use to communicate with each other?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing. "They're cool. There should be a wizard version."

Ernie lost interest in pro-Muggle conversation. He's not prejudiced, but he likes to live in the knowledge that wizards are more advanced than Muggles. I'm kind of in the middle, being a witch but also a Muggle-Born. Justin seems to be too.

God, I love him.

Monday 30^th April
14:21
Herbology

I can't believe this.

I really can't.

Sprout will die SHE WILL DIE.

Apparently, it's not punishment enough that I have to spend three hours a week paired up with Theodore Nott, who has an IQ that is lower than his age and for some reason hates my guts. No. Turns out that for some crime that I committed in a past life I now have to do a Herbology project with him on Nigerian Shrivelpods.

Crap.

Professor Sprout came into the greenhouse with a load of Shrivelpod Plants and put them down, announced this project and then paired us up.

"Abbot, Boot! Brocklehurst, Corner! Cornfoot, Crabbe!"

Stephen slapped his forehead in horror. Terry patted him on the back sympathetically.

"Davis, Entwhistle!"

Kevin shrugged. Tracey Davis is ok. A bit bossy but she's one of the less spiteful Slytherins.

"Finch-Fletchley, Finnigan! Granger, Goyle!"

Hermione Granger winced. I can see why. Gregory Goyle is Vincent Crabbe's buddy, which instantly means Muggle-Born hater and dim as a post. He's a bit smarter than Crabbe, though. I reckon he's got at least five more brain cells.

"Hopkins, Jones! Li, Longbottom! MacDougal, Macmillan! Matthews, Nott!"

"No!" I muttered. Alphabetical order. I hate it. Damn Yasmin for choosing stupid old History of Magic over Herbology.

"Parkinson, Patil!"

Padma looked horrified.

"Patil, Potter! Rivers, Smith! Spinks, Thomas!"

Louise looked positively thrilled as she realised she finally had an excuse to hang around Dean Thomas.

"And Weasley, Zabini!"

Ron Weasley swore loudly and earned himself a sharp slap on the ear from Hermione Granger, and a stern look from Professor Sprout.

"Right," said Sprout, looking round at us and adding up. "Hang on, there's not enough plants for you all. You'll have to go in fours. Let's see..."

She went around pairing up all the pairs. When she got to us she said, "Right, Boot and Abbot, you go with Matthews and Nott."

Both Terry and Hannah looked annoyed about being with Nott, but not as much as me. They're fine; they're both half-bloods to my knowledge. I'm the Muggle-Born. I'm the one that gets it in the neck every time I say something.

"Hi!" said Hannah, brightly turning to me. You have to like Hannah Abbot. She's so earnest and eager to please. She's made for Hufflepuff. There were rumours once that she was Helga Hufflepuff's heir, which fizzled out when we did the Founders in History of Magic and discovered that Hufflepuff never had kids.

"Hey Hannah," I said.

"Miss Matthews," said Terry, in mock sobriety, with a curt nod.

"Mr Boot," I nodded in the same tone.

We stared each other out for a couple of seconds before I gave in and burst out laughing.

"What you laughing at?" demanded Nott, determined not to be left out.

"Oh, just a humorous exchange of colloquial verbal communication between Keira and myself," said Terry, airily. "Which, by the way, is something that you will never understand."

Hannah and I laughed (even though I didn't actually understand that too well myself) whilst Nott thought for a few seconds.

"Are you insulting me?" he said, finally.

"No shit, Sherlock," I said.

"Who's Sherlock?"

"Sherlock Holmes, he's a Muggle detective...forget I said anything. It's not important. Let's get on with this."

14:55
Herbology nearly over (thank God)

Nott is no longer in the Greenhouse with us! Yes! He is in the Hospital Wing because he somehow managed to eat a Shrivelpod.

I am not kidding.

Either way he's not here so Hannah, Terry and I have about five minutes to repair all the damage he's done on our project. First we had to revive the plant because apparently prodding it with a flaming stick (Nott set his wand on fire) doesn't do it any good. Then we had to quickly plan the project because the idea we "came up with" (a.k.a. was forced into doing by Nott) was seeing how many ways to kill a Nigerian Shrivelpod plant. And then we had to hastily write out what we'd found out, i.e. nothing, because someone (yep, you guessed it) emptied the contents of the watering can all over what we had.

Ah, the joys of teamwork.

"Bastard," muttered Terry and he scrawled out a load of improvised notes. "I'm going to kill him and eat him. And stick his brains on a pole in the Slytherin common room as a thought-provoking decoration."

"You'll be lucky," I said. "Microbiologists haven't managed to find it yet."

Hannah gave a snort of appreciation, but Terry looked at me sideways and said, "What on Earth is a microbiologist?"

Damn wizards. Why didn't he take Muggle Studies, then I wouldn't have to keep explaining myself?

"It's...never mind. Muggle thing. The joke still has an obvious meaning."

"Hmm," said Terry, turning back to his notes.

Hannah rolled her eyes at me. It's much easier to talk about Muggles to her; her dad's a Muggle. Terry, however, has two wizard parents, so he really doesn't have a clue about Muggles.

"I never thought I'd ever say, 'Roll on Potions'," I said, wondering if I would be able to quickly swap our plant with the neighbouring four's without them noticing. "I swear, one day I'm going to take Nott by his stupid little haircut and I'm going to through him at the Whomping Willow."

"Can I help?" said Terry, darkly.

"That's a bit mean!" said Hannah. "I don't like him, but I'm sure he's a nice person deep down."

I didn't say anything. I just made a sarcastic noise.

15:10
Potions

Slughorn is a lot better than Snape, I have to say. For one thing he actually lets me and Yasmin be partners. Snape always assigned us randomly. My former partners have been Justin, Smellodie and Susan Bones before. Apart from Elodie they're all ok, although at that point I wasn't madly in love with Justin or I wouldn't have got my O in Potions. (How proud was I of that grade? I wouldn't shut up for about two months.)

Now Yaz and I have been reunited, I'm doing really well. Well, Yasmin is. I copy her homework and do exactly what she tells me. And I come near top, too. Seeing as we are two of the four Ravenclaws doing Potions this year (the others are Terry and Michael) that's not so hard, but ah well.

We're working on the same bench as Wayne Hopkins and Susan Bones, which is pretty uncomfortable as they just happen to have had a blazing row yesterday and have split up. I like both of them but I wish they would stop bickering with each other. It's hard to concentrate.

"Look, I'm just saying that if you hadn't been so damned possessive I wouldn't have ditched you!" Susan said angrily, and not quietly either. It's really hard to just get on with it without eavesdropping accidentally, especially when you're trying to make a successful antidote. (It's bloody hard, I can tell you.)

"I wasn't possessive! And if I was, I was for a very good reason! You were going off with Sam all the time!"

"Wayne, you know perfectly well that Sam and I have always been good friends! Jesus, we lived next-door to each other! You never suspected romance between us before so why should you just because I was going out with you? Anyway, he's got a girlfriend! You don't see Meg going mad over us hanging around together do you?"

"No, but maybe she didn't see it. There was such an obvious spark between you two."

"Oh my God! I cannot keep having the same fight with you over and over again!" said Susan, in near hysterics. I backed away slightly and fixed my eyes on the textbook. Yasmin was determinedly stirring our antidote vigorously, even though I was scared it was going to slop over the sides. To my horror, Susan turned to me. "Keira, you understand what I mean, don't you? You know that just because I was hanging around with Sam a lot, it doesn't mean that I was being unfaithful to Wayne, don't you?"

"Don't be stupid," said Wayne, darkly. "You know she was cheating on me with him, you could tell. She spent far more time with him that she spent with me."

"Wayne, you utter idiot, how could you think that I...?"

I was going to try and dive into our cauldron under the pretence of getting a ladleful of potion to avoid the awkwardness, but Yasmin had got there first, so I accidentally-on-purpose slipped over and threw my flask across the room.

It hit Justin Finch-Fletchley on the back of the head, fell to the floor and smashed.

Shit.

I really was tempted to use a quick summoning charm and pretend it was Yasmin, but he was looking right at me and I knew I was blushing. I didn't try to have a look of apologetic shock on my face. I knew one was already there.

I hurriedly scuttled over to where he was working and repaired the flask (they have to make the Goddamned things out of glass, don't they?) whilst apologising profusely. He seemed to think I was some kind of retard, which I am.

"Uh...why did you throw that at me?" he asked, with a tiny yet unquestionably gorgeous smile on his face. It mad my legs turn to jelly, I can tell you. "You must really not like me or something."

I heard a small snort from behind. Terry and Michael were working on the bench behind, and Terry was sniggering for all he was worth. I gave him a Look and turned back to Justin.

"No, it's not that," I said, in what I hoped were coy and adorable tones. "I'm just a clumsy dork, that's all!"

He gave me an odd look. A kind of half approving, half quick-I'll-keep-her-talking-you-remove-all-sharp-things-from-the-proximity-and-call-the-loony-bin look.

"Well, I'll see you next time I do something embarrassing and klutzy," I said, shrugging and backing out as fast as possible.

When I got back to Yasmin I explained where I'd gone and why. She just gave me an odd look and said, "There's green stuff on the end of your nose."

Oh bollocks. I'd gotten the green potion on my nose. No wonder he was looking at me funny. I rubbed it off sheepishly.

"Justin probably thought you were a total freak," she carried on, almost obliviously. "With green stuff all over your nose. Probably thought you'd just sneezed or something."

"Yasmin!" I hissed, angrily. "You're kind of grinding my ego under your heel, you know."

"Why should you care? It's only Justin Finch-Fletchley. It's not like it's someone you really fancy," shrugged Yasmin.

Oh sweet irony, you are a cruel mistress.

Tuesday 1^st May
18:00
Common room

I have had it up to here with people going, "Pinch, punch, first day of the month." In the end I had to do "Pull hair, knee in the privates, first day of the month" to Stephan Cornfoot. He's been avoiding me all day. (Hehe.)

I am attempting to do the Arithmancy homework Professor Vector set me, but I'm too tired and hot and grumpy. April was freezing so why has the temperature suddenly hit 30 degrees? Is it something to do with the month change? Or was the weather waiting for me to get a lot of homework before it got really hot and humid so it made me drowsy and I can't do it?

"I think you're being slightly paranoid, there."

"ARGH! Bugger off Terry."

I swear he has some kind of ability to appear out of nowhere. He was leaning over the back of my chair and reading my bloody diary!

"You shouldn't read other people's journals," I snapped. "It's stupid. What do you want?"

"Stephen is in a lot of pain," said Terry, eyebrows raised. "You hurt him quite badly earlier."

"He deserved it," I muttered.

"What, he deserved to be brutally attacked on the hair and that place that should never be disturbed by a vicious and bad-tempered girl just for doing that pinch-punch thing?" Terry said sceptically.

"Because...what do you mean vicious and bad-tempered?" I said angrily.

"You just proved it yourself," said Terry.

I scowled. Bugger him.

"What exactly do you want?" I asked, irritably. "Or is it too much of an effort for you to actually leave me to do my homework and be grouchy and bad-tempered in peace?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you'd checked the notice board."

I looked at him.

"No. Why? Has someone put up some embarrassing photos of me? Oh my God, please don't tell me I'm on this week's caption competition!"

The caption competition is ages old in Ravenclaw. It was going on when Leila was here. Basically it's a Muggle caption competition, but the photo is stuck up on the Ravenclaw notice board for everyone to laugh at, and people write their captions underneath it. Terry always enters, and some of his are bloody funny too. But if I was up there I was going to go and kill myself.

"No, you're not, don't worry," said Terry. "I mean the school notice board."

"Oh. No, I haven't. Why?"

"There's a Hogsmeade weekend on Saturday."

"Uhh...so?"

"Well, I was kind of wondering...never mind. It's not important."

God, he is sooooooooo irritating!"

"Look, just tell me outright. I am in a very bad mood," I said, resigning to the fact that he was here now and he wasn't going to go without irritating the arse off me for at least ten minutes.

"That is frankly obvious," he said. "It's...what d'you mean I irritate the arse off you?"

How dare he read my diary again? I whacked him on the head with it.

"Stop reading over my shoulder you nosey bastard!" I said, crossly.

"Or what?" he said, raising a sceptical eyebrow. How the hell does he do that? If I try and raise one eyebrow I look very scary.

"Stop or I'll...I'll..."

"Stutter at me?"

"No, I'll knock your front teeth out and make them into a pair of rather attractive earrings!" I decided, giving him a triumphant look.

"You think that human incisors would make attractive earrings, do you?" he grinned. How on Earth does he manage to turn everything that I say against me?

"Oh shut up!" I scowled. "Just shut up and go away."

He shrugged.

"Fine," he said, and walked off.

I have to admit, I did feel bad. He has this weird way of being really, really annoying but I always feel guilty when I snap at him. I felt so guilty I went over to him. Stephen instantly recoiled.

"Terry?"

He looked up.

"Yuh-huh?"

"Sorry."

"Wow, an apology from Keira Matthews!" said Anthony in mock awe. "You ought to record that, Terry, and play it back every night, because it'll be the last one you ever get."

Terry rolled his eyes, turned to me and said, "That's fine. See you around."

I smiled and left. Actually, that's the first friendly conversation that Terry and I have had without us ending up either having a jokey row or getting on one another's nerves.

Monumental moment. Maybe we're growing up.

Wednesday 2^nd May
9:30
Defence Against the Dark Arts

We've had a seating change-around, but Louise and I are still together. Mandy and Yaz are working next to us. Well Yasmin is. Mandy is not working at all; she is sitting there gazing at the back of Harry Potter's head.

"God he's good-looking," she said in that dreamy voice she always reserves for him. Yuk. "Ooh, I could sit here and just look at him all day."

"Mandy, you can't even see him properly," said Yasmin, rolling her eyes.

"I know, but even the back of his head is sooooooooooooo dreeeeeeeeaaaaamy!" said Mandy.

Louise hit her quite hard on the top of the head with her textbook.

"You really live in your own little world, don't you?" she said, irritably. "Now shut up and get on with your work!"

"Yes, please do," said Yasmin.

"Why do you care?" retorted Mandy, rubbing the top of her head.

"Because your constant besotted sighs and mutterings are getting on my nerves!" Louise scowled. "You're being so stupid over him! It's not going to happen and you shouldn't want it to!"

"All very well for you to say that, Lou, but Harry Potter is WAY better looking than Dean Thomas," snapped Mandy.

Miaow! It was getting catty.

"He is not!" said Louise indignantly. "Dean is the best looking Gryffindor in the year, and he's really nice!"

"You're deluded if you think that!" said Mandy hotly. "Look, the fact is that Harry Potter is not only incredibly gorgeous and good at Quiditch but he is also a hero. He actually defeated You-Know-Who! Several times!"

"You only like him because he's famous!" snapped Louise.

You could have cut the tension with a spoon. Both Mandy and Louise were scowling at each other fiercely. For the second time in two days Yasmin and I were caught between a nasty argument.

Marvellous.

10:35
Break
In the courtyard with Lou

Louise still sore about her argument with Mandy.

"Why is she even so obsessed with Harry Potter anyway? He's not even that good-looking and according to Cho he's really useless with girls. And she told me he's madly in love with Hermione Granger anyway, and they're always hanging around together so I guess it must be true. Apparently he took ages to ask Cho out and then when he finally did he ditched her halfway through to go and see Hermione and he wasn't even subtle about it. He's really disturbed too, and I don't care if he saved the world from You-Know-Who. He's really stupid. I can't believe she just dismissed Dean. She only did it because I told her I thought that she didn't have a chance with Harry Potter, which she doesn't. Everyone knows that Dean is just so much better looking than Harry. I mean, he's an artist. I've always thought artists are so much more intelligent and thoughtful than other boys, haven't you? Also, Dean just broke up with that girl...you know the one. The pretty redhead in the fifth. Ron Weasley's sister. Ginny, that's it. Anyway, they just broke up and I think he's really sad about it, so I think I'm just what he needs. I'll be the sensitive, concerned, sympathetic person who's always there to help him until BAM! He realises he likes me. Mandy could never do that for Harry Potter because he's never had a proper girlfriend. Cho doesn't count because he was really horrible to her. And Mandy goes on that Harry's so great a Quiditch! Dean's good at Quiditch! He's the Gryffindor Chaser, for goodness's sake! I know he's substituting for Katie Bell but he's still really good! I can't believe Mandy would do this to me! Why? Why?"

14:20
Transfiguration

Mandy still sore about her argument with Louise.

"How dare she? How dare she just come out and say, 'Oh, it's not going to happen'? How does she know? She doesn't! He definitely knows who I am because he's seen me at practices and he's seen me play. And I heard that he told his team to watch out for me, so he obviously thinks I'm a force to be reckoned with. He seriously said, 'We've got to watch out for Brocklehurst because she's really good.' I know because Lavender Brown was spying on Ron Weasley earlier in the year and she had Parvati with her who heard and told Padma who told me, so I know it's true. And that's something big we have in common. We're both Quiditch players and not meaning to sound boastful or anything but we're both good. He's such an excellent Seeker, it's amazing! Louise goes on and on about Dean playing Quiditch too, but he's actually pretty mediocre and he's only filling in for Katie Bell. He's just the substitute, and most people reckon he only got onto the team because he's in Harry's class anyway. Harry was just being kind; he didn't actually think Dean was a good player. And Dean Thomas isn't that good-looking. Harry is sooooooooooo cute, don't you think? He's got that lovely black hair and those green eyes...yum! And he's got glasses! I always think glasses make guys look really sensitive and sweet, don't you? He just needs someone to open up to, that's all, someone who will listen. Someone sympathetic and caring like me. I'd listen and I'd comfort him and then he'd realise just how much he likes me. Because when you've defeated You-Know-Who so many times you need someone to listen to you. Oh, and how many times has precious Dean Thomas defeated a dark wizard, huh? Huh?"

14:25
Still in Transfiguration

Louise and Mandy aren't speaking. (To each other, at least. They're speaking in full throttle to me.) I'm sorely tempted to commit suicide, but there aren't any pills around and I don't want to try something else because it might hurt.