A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Friday 27^th April
17:35
My dormitory

We're going to have a real girly night tonight, i.e. sleepover type thing. Louise and Morag went down to the kitchens and came back with loads of food stuffed up under their robes. They looked really odd shaped but no one said anything to them.

"This is all I could carry," said Lou, emptying a load of cream cakes out of a bag that she'd had under her jumper. (On my bed. What is it with my bed?) "I think people thought I was pregnant or something."

Yasmin laughed.

"Whatever. What did you get, Morag?"

Morag emptied a load of savoury snack things next to the cakes. I winced as grease from what looked like cocktail sausages went all over my pillow.

"Wow!" said Padma, taking the huge amounts of food in. "The old diet is going out of the window tonight."

We all looked at Padma. She's probably got the best figure in the entire dormitory. Well, that's the general opinion of all the boys in the year, anyway. Why she diets we will never know.

"I can't be bothered with diets," said Morag, flatly. It's true, and no offence to Morag, but it shows. Don't get me wrong here. Morag is lovely. She's very outspoken but we love her for it. She's smart and fun. However she is a bit...uh...sturdy, shall we say. She doesn't care, though. "Waste of time. I like my food; that's that."

Padma raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Lisa decided to avert a massacre by saying, "Are we going to include Elodie in this? I mean...she's not very considerate, is she?"

"No," I said, flatly. I hate Elodie more than anyone in our entire dormitory, but that's probably because I fancy her boyfriend. "She is not joining in. No way. Nada. Never."

"Well, that is a bit mean," said Louise, doubtfully, but Morag stamped on that one.

"It's Elodie's own fault," she said. "If she took her head out of her arsehole and started being a bit nicer then we might let her join in. As that hasn't happened yet, she isn't joining in."

"Isn't that a bit nasty?" asked Lou.

"No. It's a lot nasty," said Mandy matter-of-factly. "Smellodie can get over it as far as I'm concerned."

"Seconded," said Yasmin, raising a hand. "Right, let's get this stuff out of the way before Smellodie reappears."

The stuff was promptly put out of the way. Apparently out of the way is code for under my pillow.

"You don't mind, do you Kee?" asked Padma as she arranged the chocolate muffins so they didn't look too noticeable.

I was about to remark that Hell yeah I did, but Mandy got in first.

"Course she doesn't. Keira's nice like that. Just don't get into bed, Kee, or you'll squash all the stuff."

I glowered. Can't even get into my own bed. There is such a thing as being too damn nice for your own good.

23:30

Sitting on the floor and trying to make it look to Elodie like I'm not there. I told her I had to do a Herbology essay that was due in the next day. (Thankfully Smellodie dropped Herbology or she would have sussed me in an instant.) When will she fall asleep? When?

God this is sooooooooo boring. Why won't Elodie sleep? Why?

"Elodie!" I hissed, to try and check if she was awake.

"Kee? Is that you?"

She sat up in bed. Bugger all.

"Did you finish your essay?" she asked.

"Err...no," I said. "I'll just go and fin..."

"All work no beauty sleep with make Keira a spotty girl!" said Elodie in what I guess was meant to be helpful tones. "Go to bed!"

"Umm..."

I paced around a bit, and tried to make it look like I'd got into bed without lying down on a hundred or so bits of food. However I saw the shadow of Elodie sit up in bed and say, irritably, "What on Earth are you playing at, Kee? Get into bloody bed!"

I winced and got into bed. I instantly felt at least two éclairs burst cream all over my back. I heard Mandy swear softly from my right.

"Thank you!" said Elodie and lay down again.

23:48

Thank God, she's dosed off. She'll be asleep for hours now; nothing wakes Elodie up except possibly a blowtorch to the backside.

Hmm. Interesting idea. Must make note of it.

I leapt out of my bed and lit a torch.

"EWWW!" I said, scrabbling under my bed for some new pyjamas.

"Kee?"

I heard Lisa's voice and saw her sit up.

"Is that you? Is Elodie asleep?"

"Yes," I said. "And I'm covered in cream."

I found a new pair of pyjamas and changed quickly whilst Lisa shook Padma to wake her up. Mandy has already climbed out of bed and was staring in disappointment at the mess we'd planned to use as food.

"Aww!" she said, in frustration. "What the Hell did you do that for, Kee?"

"I didn't bloody want to!" I said indignantly. "Elodie bloody Smellodie wouldn't bloody go to bloody sleep!"

"Ok, ok, chill out!" said Mandy, hands raised.

(I hate it when people do that! It's all very well for them to tell you to chill out but it's a lot harder than it sounds, especially when you've just been lying on a load of cakes for about ten minutes whilst waiting for someone you don't even like to go to sleep! ARGH!)

At this point everyone except Smellodie had woken up and was gathering round what was left of our food.

"I think this was a choux bun at one point," said Louise, holding up a sad and soggy bit of pastry covered in white stuff.

"At least this stuff survived," said Morag, gesturing towards the stuff at the end of the bed than I hadn't crushed. "And the sausages and the cheese and stuff are ok. They're a bit squashed but I bet they still taste good."

"Well, we'll make do with what we've got," said Yasmin bravely, laying everything out and getting rid of the cream on my bedding with some kind of charm. "Let the Ravenclaw Sixth Years Girls' official Elodie-free girly night commence!"

01:15

We have to do this more often. It's too damn fun. We're currently playing Truth or Dare. Mandy just did a striptease at the bottom of the stairs. She said she didn't think anyone saw her, but you never know what innocent first year might have been lurking in the common room trying to do homework, muahahaha.

"Ok," said Yasmin (whose hair is no longer light blonde but bright bubblegum pink due to a stroke of genius I had when I had to dare her), "Lou's turn. Truth or dare?"

"Dare," she answered, instantly. She's had six truths already. We now know about her secret crush on Roger Davies, her teddy bear and her most embarrassing moment.

"Ok," said Yasmin. "I dare you to...eat this."

She scrabbled around under her bed and brought out what I recognised to be a Weasley's Wizard Wheezes product. It looked innocently like a Fruit Pastille. Yeah, right.

"Hmmm," said Lou, picking it up and sniffing it apprehensively. "Looks like a lime wine gum to me."

"Just eat it," said Yaz. Louise did.

She chewed expectantly, and swallowed. We waited for about a minute and then suddenly she threw up a load of green spit. It shot out of her mouth at about 100mph. All over me. Marvellous. Bloody marvellous.

"Oh great!" I said, very sarcastically, reaching for my wand. "Isn't this magical? I'm covered in gob!"

I actually managed to pull of a successful scouring charm and the stuff all came off. Lou gave me an apologetic look.

"Ok," said Mandy. "Kee's turn."

"I go for...truth," I said. I'm a total wuss at dares. Can't do them.

"Ok," said Louise, looking suddenly evil. "You have to tell us out of all the Ravenclaws in our year, who would you most like to snog?"

Oh crap.

Who would I most like to snog? Well, obviously Justin Finch-Fletchley, but he's not a Ravenclaw, so he's out of the question. Anthony Goldstein is quite good-looking. So is Michael Corner. But I don't know if I'd like to snog any of them.

"She snogged Terry Boot!" said a voice we all know and hate.

Elodie had woken up.

Bollocks.

"Why didn't you invite me?" she pouted.

"We did," said Mandy, promptly. "You didn't wake up."

"Ok!" said Smellodie, mollified. For a smart girl she saw is naïve. She climbed out of bed and pushed me out of the way so she could join the circle. "What are we playing? Truth or Dare? Oh I love this game!"

"Hold up," said Lisa, shifting onto her knees and looking interested. "What's that about Keira snogging Terry?"

Oh Hell's bells and Satan's thong. Bloody Smellodie. Go to Hell, go to Hell.

"I saw them snogging on Wednesday evening in the common room," said Elodie, smugly. "He turned her face towards him and then they snogged."

"Really?" said Louise, staring at me. Everyone was staring at me. Shut up staring! "Is that true? You snogged Terry Boot? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know you fancied him!"

"I don't fancy Terry stupid Boot, and it wasn't a snog, it was a kiss," I said, going bright red. "And he kissed me. And if Elodie had seen properly she would've seen me beating him off."

"Oh, that's what you were doing!" said Elodie, brightly. "I didn't see properly. Why was he kissing you?"

"Because...hang on, why shouldn't he kiss me?" I said, offended. What's so wrong with me? Then I realised the impression I was giving. "No, scrap that. He kissed me because he said I owed him two kisses and he owed me one."

"Why on Earth do you owe him two kisses?" asked Yasmin.

"Well, I soaked him in Charms the other day, didn't I?" I said. "And then I turned my eye green and he corrected it for me."

"Why does he owe you a kiss?"

"He...uh...he said...something," I muttered, not wanting to admit to what he had actually said about Justin and Elodie and me.

"What?" demanded Louise. She's so damned nosey!

"I can't remember," I lied. "Something about my nose. It was mean, either way."

They were all staring at me. I could tell I was red as a tomato. Two tomatoes. I was redder than a bottle of tomato ketchup wearing a devil costume on a hot day. In the oven.

Elodie interrupted the awkward silence by saying, "Ok, my turn, my turn!"

I knew there was a reason that she was alive! It was to distract my friends from me in embarrassing situations.

"No," said Yasmin, suddenly. "I've got a better idea."

Elodie looked disappointed, but we lesser mortals were eager to hear. Yasmin's ideas are generally very interesting - if not a little painful - and it should make a good story.

"I read this thing about voodoo."

"What now?"

"Voodoo. It's like traditional Muggle magic. Black magic. Summoning the Devil. That kind of stuff."

"Hold up, Moon," said Louise, holding up her hands. "I ain't summoning any demons."

"We don't have to summon demons," said Yasmin. "The ritual I read about was one in which you can get inside someone's memories, but it's like you're them."

"What?"

I was confused.

"You could get me to remember about buying a sandwich or something, but it would seem to you like you were buying the sandwich."

"Huh?"

Everyone was utterly bemused.

"It's like you being in my body," said Yasmin, exasperatedly. "Look, we can try it out if we have the right stuff. I have the book; I got it out of the library for Muggle Studies. We're studying voodoo and Pagans and Wicca at the moment, it's really quite fascinating. Did you know that April Fool's Day originated with the Pagan New...?"

"Shut up, Yaz," said Morag, flatly. We were all silently relieved.

"Well, here's the book," said Yasmin, retrieving it from her bedside table. "Let's see..."

She put on her glasses and opened the book near the back. It must have been the same size as a small cupboard. She ran her finger down the index and turned to the appropriate page.

"Here we go!" she said happily. "Right, we need candles."

"I have a few that I bought in Barbados!" said Louise, excitedly jumping up to get them. "Is it ok if they smell like lavender?"

"Doesn't say, but I'd imagine so," said Yasmin, scanning the page. "Go and get them. And we also need to make a circle out of something...has anyone got string?"

"Why would we have string?" I asked sceptically.

"Ok, smart-arse, do you have any better suggestions?" asked Yasmin.

"Umm...we could use necklaces and stuff," suggest Louise. "I have loads of beads and stuff like that."

About five minutes later we'd constructed a wonky circle out of every bit of jewellery we owned.

"Hmm," said Yasmin. "It's a bit small. Only two could fit in that at a time, I think. Kee, get in."

"What? Why me?"

"Just do it."

We both clambered into the circle. I sat down cautiously.

"Now, I want you to really, really concentrate hard on one memory," Yasmin said. "Just really focus on the thing you want me to see...Mandy, could you read out that incantation thing? The bit in italics."

"Sure," said Mandy.

I shut my eyes and focused on the first night in the dormitory. That was when I'd first met Yasmin. Yasmin and I just gelled from day one. I thought she'd appreciate that one. I could hear Mandy chanting weird, foreign-sounding words in the background, but I concentrated on that one memory...

Suddenly I could see. And I could see myself looking straight into my own face. It gave me quite a fright until I realised I was in Yasmin's memory. It must have been a couple of years ago

"Yaz?" said the other me in a wheedling tone. God, do I really sound that posh in real life?

"Mm-hmm?" I said. But it wasn't my voice, it was Yasmin's. And I could hear her real voice in my head. It said, "I bet she wants to copy my homework or something."

I could hear her thoughts! Wowee!

"Can I borrow some of you bracelets? For the Yule Ball, I mean? None of mine go with my robes."

"Wow," said Yasmin's voice. "She doesn't want to." Then I, as Yasmin, said, "Yeah, sure. I think those blue ones would be ok. Why? D'you want to make a special effort for Dean?"

I saw myself blush.

"Well...I wouldn't say that," I said. "I just...y'know...wanna look nice."

God, I garble. N.B.: Plan sentences out before speaking and enunciate.

Yasmin/I laughed.

"Sure. Feel free."

The other me went off and Kevin Entwhistle came up.

"So, Yaz," he said. "Keira Matthews has a date, huh?"

"Yeah," Yasmin/I said. "She's going with Dean Thomas."

I heard Yasmin's thoughts again. "She doesn't even like him, though. She only said yes because she needs a date. Doesn't she realise Kevin fancies her?"

Kevin Entwhistle fancied me? Wow.

"Oh," said Kevin, looking disappointed. "Well, I guess that's it for me. Do you have a date?"

"No," Yasmin/I said. "I haven't been asked."

"Hey, d'you wanna come with me?" asked Kevin. "We'd have a laugh, wouldn't we?"

Eyes pinged open. I was sitting back in the circle. Yasmin was frowning at me.

"Err...Kee, I told you to concentrate. I think I got you when you were asleep. If that's your idea of a funny joke, then..."

"I didn't concentrate on being asleep!" I said indignantly. "I concentrated on being in the first year, when we all met each other!"

"Well, all I got was blackness," said Yasmin, darkly.

"I didn't know Kevin Entwhistle had a crush on me!" I said, changing the subject at lightning speed. (Go me!)

"Oh yeah, I knew for ages," said Yasmin. "Right, someone else go."

02:22

Mandy suddenly broke the ritual by saying, "Lou, you were asleep!"

Louise jerked her eyes open.

"No I wasn't!" she said. "I concentrated on watching you win that Quiditch match."

"Well all I saw was black," said Mandy. "Like Yasmin. Are you sure this works, Yaz?"

"It should do," said Yasmin.

"Hang on," said Morag. She reached into the circle and picked up...

...a cocktail sausage.

"I was seeing the memories of a cocktail sausage?" said Mandy in disgust. "That is so pathetic..."

"Ah well," shrugged Lisa. "Let's eat cake!"

Saturday 28^th April
16:25
The library

I was revising Aguamenti - something of which I seem to have a mental block about - when Terry appeared.

"You owe me two kisses," he said. He doesn't mess around.

"Nice opening line there," I said. "Oh, and nice try but no."

"Ah well," he said, sidling into the chair next to me. Dammit, I'll never get anything done now. "A man's gotta make an effort. You heard about your pal Mandy?"

I raised an eyebrow, but curiosity beat the scepticism.

"What?" I asked, trying not to sound too interested.

"Apparently she actually got to hand Harry Potter a note from Dumbledore," said Terry, slapping his cheek in hilarious mock awe that did make me laugh. "She's been going on about it since lunch. All we hear in the common room is 'Harry Potter this' and 'Harry Potter that'. That's why I came here. To escape the talk of Harry bloody Potter."

"Y'know, I'd understand if he was really super good-looking," I said. "But he's not."

"Ah, you're not one of Harry Potter's many doting admirers, are you Keira?" asked Terry, giving me a sideways look.

"Not really," I shrugged. "I've never really spoken to him. He seems reasonably pleasant but above all he's too much of a drama queen. King, drama king. And he's really quite skinny."

Terry laughed.

"Ah, the voice of wisdom," he said, with a mock bow. (Hard to do when sitting down.) "You've got sense in that head, Matthews."

"Cheers," I said. "I guess I have to return the compliment now."

"Not if you don't feel like it," said Terry, winking. Shut up winking! "So you don't think Harry Potter's good-looking?"

"Not really, but each to their own."

"He's not as hot as dear darling Justin then?"

"Shut up. Just shut up."

"Charming. What would Justin say?"

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up."

I was slurring, so I stopped. Terry was laughing his stupid head off.

"Keira, you need to lighten up about Finch-Fletchley," he said. "After all, if you want him to ditch Elodie and fall madly, passionately in love with you then you need to show him you're a free spirit who won't get irritating. And by irritating I mean clingy and snappy."

I frowned.

"Are you saying I'm snappy and clingy?"

"Well, I wouldn't know about clingy, you're not my girlfriend and you never have been," said Terry. "But you can be a bit snappy. No offence."

"None taken," I muttered darkly.

"Trust me when I say I know what guys like, Keira," he said, almost seriously. "I do know about these things. I do happen to be a boy."

"Could've fooled me."

He hit me. Not hard or anything, but he still hit me. You're not supposed to hit girls. I told him that.

"I'm allowed to hit you," he said.

"Why? Am I a boy?"

"You're certainly not a boy," he said. I saw where his eyes went.

"Cheeky sod," I said, folding my arms across my chest. "Don't do that."

Terry laughed.

"Sorry. Couldn't resist that one."

I stuck my tongue out.

"You're hopeless."

"So are you."

"I know that."

"So do I."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"Fine."

"Fine."

And we shut up.

Things to Do

1) Learn how to work Aguamenti
2) Make Justin Finch-Fletchley realise that Elodie is actually a stuck-up, spiteful, malicious bitch who is just using him and that actually it's MEMEME that he really wants.
3) Punch Theodore Nott when I'm feeling really brave
4) Get Terry Boot to forget about that two kisses that I apparently owe him
5) Get Yasmin, Louise, Mandy, Morag, Padma and Lisa to forget that Elodie told them that Terry kissed me.
6) Get Mandy to realise that she and Harry Potter aren't going to happen in this life.
7) Tidy up the space under my bed as it's got really messy again.
8) Ditto bedside drawer.
9) And shelf.
10) Do homework instead of writing my diary