A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Wednesday 25^th April
18:34
My dormitory

My books still haven't dried properly from yesterday's escapade with Aguamenti, so I can't do any homework. Such a shame. Anyway, I am currently alone in the dormitory standing in front of the full-length mirror. (Something I can only do alone because generally you can't get to it due to Smellodie being stuck in front of it constantly.)

My hair...quite nice in its way. It's a bit of a boring brown but dyeing it blonde is a no-go option since that unfortunate incident with the peroxide when I was ten. The bit that snapped off grew back quite quickly but mum hides all the toilet cleaners and stuff when I go home now. Although, as I told her, I didn't know that blonde streaks done with peroxide go all stiff.

Eyes. Well, they're ok I suppose. Light, clear blue but kind of green too. A sort of turquoise colour. Obviously I'd prefer them to be a bit more interesting, like bright green or some sort of other unusual colour. Maybe yellow, like Su Li's. Or at the very least a brighter blue. Smellodie has bright blue eyes and she's a total bitch. I never did anything to anyone (well, not on purpose) and I got stuck with the light ones.

Nose. Well, it's a bit long, but I guess it could be ok. At least my freckles are light. Louise has loads of freckles on her nose but they're a lot darker than mine. She still looks dead pretty with them, though. They're kind of endearing. Yasmin has freckles, but she doesn't get spots. She's so lucky.

My mouth and chin are ok. No point in making a big thing out of them because they're pretty unremarkable. Teeth are fine. Ears are fine. Eyebrows are fine. Neck is fine.

Figure. Well, could be worse. I could be like Millicent Bulstrode. However just because I don't weigh eight or so tonnes it doesn't hide the fact that my bum's getting bigger, my hips are getting fatter and my chest refuses to grow. I know that everyone's chest grows in its own time and I'm bigger than quite a few people in my year but still. And of course Smellodie - who could probably use her bra as a shopping bag - has not hesitated to point this out to me and every possible opportunity.

Ho hum ho hum. After contemplating my appearance I really am bloody depressed. Thinking about your flaws really does that to you. Well, it does that to me. Yasmin doesn't get depressed by her flaws. She doesn't care that she's not that pretty. She just gets on with her work. Mandy doesn't seem to care, either, but then she is actually very attractive in an outdoorsy way. She's very tanned and rugged-looking. I thought only girls found ruggedness attractive but apparently boys do too. And Louise just doesn't have flaws. Neither do Lisa or Padma or - dare I say it? - Smellodie. However Lisa, Lou and Padma are nice with it rather than stuck-up like Elodie. Morag just gives everyone a piece of her mind if they criticise her appearance. She's don't-careish, like Yasmin. So basically I'm the only person in the dormitory who has imperfections and gets depressed over them. I guess that's my biggest imperfection of all.

Lisa and Padma came in suddenly, making me jump. I leapt sideways. I didn't want them to know I'd been staring at myself in the mirror. They were both very giggly.

"Hey Kee," Padma said, sitting herself on my bed. (Humph.) "You will never guess what I just heard!"

"What?" I asked, eager in case Justin had ditched Elodie and fallen wildly in love with me.

"You know Su Li and that Gryffindor girl, Alison Runcor?"

"Yeah," I said, heart sinking. To be honest, I couldn't believe Padma had asked me that. Everyone who doesn't live in a cave knows about Su Li and Alison Runcor: the most temperamental couple in the whole year.

The Su-Alison thing is just boring now. It was interesting for a good gossip at first but now it's just boring. There's only so much on/off/on/off you can take.

"Well," said Padma, looking at me with a cheeky grin. "Apparently they're over for good now! Alison dumped him and she swears that she's never going to take him back!"

Yeah, yeah. Alison and Su have broken up for good several times.

"Why?" I asked, knowing I'd regret it.

"Well," said Lisa, chipping in, "Padma told me that Parvati told her that Lavender Brown was told by Megan Jones who was told by Hannah Abbott that Su was kissing another girl, and somehow it got back to Alison."

"Err..."

Really there's nothing you can say to that. It took me about ten seconds to absorb that very long sentence. Both Padma and Lisa were looking at me expectantly.

"Don't you care, Kee?" asked Lisa, eyes narrowed. She gets on well with Alison, as in fact do I. But really I don't care about whether Su was caught with someone else.

"I...I'm just totally shocked," I fabricated. "I didn't think they'd break up for good. I can't believe Su would do that to Alison. Who was he caught with?"

"I dunno, Hannah said she couldn't see properly," shrugged Padma, as Lisa looked mollified. "Some blonde."

"Hmmm," I said. Lisa is blonde, and very pretty too. It could've been Lisa, I guess, but I doubt it somehow.

Padma checked her watch.

"Whoops! Sorry, guys, I gotta go," she said, getting off my bed and chucking her bag over onto her own. "I promised I'd meet Blaise about five minutes ago. Seeya!"

She left. Lisa watched her with narrowed eyes.

"What does she see in him?" she said.

I heartily agree. Padma is very pretty, very nice and very clever and she has half the year lusting after her. However she goes for that smug Slytherin git Blaise Zabini. I have been on the end of some Muggle-Born hostility from him many times and he really is a bastard.

"I know. What is she doing with him?" I said.

"Well, I guess I should go," said Lisa, shrugging. "See you around, Kee."

"Yeah," I said, and as she left, sidled back in front of the mirror to check whether my spot had gone down.

19:05
Common room

After about half an hour of appearance-debating and trying to dye my eyes green (didn't work...well, didn't work well anyway) I went down the stairs to find Yaz, Lou and Mandy thoroughly into a large game of Exploding Snap with Kevin Entwhistle, Morag MacDougal, Terry Boot, Su Li and Michael Corner. I decided to join in.

"Hey," I said, sliding into the circle between Mandy and Louise. "Mind if I join?"

"Not at all," said Kevin. "Just wait until the end of this..."

There was a large explosion and Morag's face emerged from a cloud of black smoke.

"...round," finished Kevin, laughing along with the rest of us as Morag grinned good-naturedly at us, despite the black marks now on her face.

The round finished and I was dealt in. After quite a few games (I won six! Ha!) we decided to take a break. Suddenly three fifth year girls - Emma Whittington included - appeared out of nowhere. Well, not literally, but y'know.

"Hi!" said Emma, brightly, grinning at everyone. I can't stand Emma. I know I should like her seeing as she's so nice and everything but she just irritates the arse of me. "How is everyone?"

I scowled and got up.

"Wow, I've got homework to do," I lied. "I'll go and do it over there."

Lame, I know. But no one cared; they were watching Yasmin's sister Chrissie do her trademark balancing-a-pack-of-cards-on-her-nose trick.

"You do realise one of your eyes is bright green?"

"ARGH!"

I jumped in my chair. Terry Boot was leaning over the back of it, grinning.

"I asked you whether you realised that one of your eyes in bright green," he repeated.

"What?" I scrabbled around in my bag for a mirror, found one and looked into it. Sure enough, one of my eyes was bright green. It really stood out. "Oh. Oh crap..."

Terry slid onto the arm of my chair whilst I swished my wand around the direction of my face and tried to get my eye to become light blue again.

"Oh bollocking buggering bum," I muttered.

"Something wrong?" said Terry, ironically.

I gave him what I hoped was an effective shut-up-or-else look and carried on trying to turn it blue. Terry watched in cynical amusement for a few minutes before saying matter-of-factly, "Y'know, I could put that right for you in a second."

"You could?" I said, eagerly.

"What's it worth to you?"

I scowled (this is becoming something of a habit lately) and said, "I knew there'd be a catch. Name your price."

"Hmm...money means so little these days," he said, innocently.

"What do you want then?" I snapped.

"I dunno."

He pretended to think hard.

"How about a kiss?" he suggested innocently.

"WHAT?"

I was too surprised to even hit him, which is what I would normally do under the circumstances. He is a terrible flirt; everyone knows that. However he rarely turns on the old charm for me.

"Just a quick one," he said, smiling slightly. There was something about his face that just made me crack up laughing.

"Ok, ok," I said, giving in weakly once the giggles had subsided. "But it's just a kiss, ok?"

"What else could it be?"

"It's not a snog. Just a kiss."

Terry snorted.

"Whatever makes you happy, Matthews."

I laughed, leaned forward and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

"There. There's your stupid kiss. Now put it right!" I said.

"That wasn't a kiss!" said Terry in indignation. "That was lousy. You still owe me a kiss."

"That is not fair!" I said.

"You soaked me in Charms yesterday," he said, reproachfully. "So I reckon that's two kisses you owe me."

Oh damn. I'd forgotten that I'd soaked him as well as Justin.

"Terry, don't push..."

"And I heard you did the same thing to your dear boyfriend afterwards," said Terry in the most infuriating voice I have ever heard in my life.

"Not boyfriend, Terry."

"Oh, sorry. Elodie's boyfriend."

"Low blow!"

"Oh dear, how thoughtless of me," he grinned. "Well, we'll knock one kiss off your debt list, shall we, to make up for my meanness?"

I was about to reply in the positive when I saw that look of mock genius.

"I know! Instead of that, let's say I owe you a kiss."

"Hurrah," I said sarcastically. "Look, we'll sort out who owes who how many bloody kisses later. Right now could you just put this eye right?"

"Sure," shrugged Terry. "If you promise I'll get that kiss at some point."

"Whatever," I said impatiently. "Take an extra one."

"Are you sure? I'll hold you to that."

He will, as well.

"Ok, scrap that. I'll give you...something. Not a kiss."

"How about s...?"

"Nothing sexual. Just hurry up and turn the bloody eye back to normal," I said.

"Ok, ok. Just don't take this the wrong way," he said, and he took hold of my chin and turned my face towards him. He got out his wand and pointed it at my eye, muttered something incomprehensible and then, very abruptly, put his face forward so our lips met.

After about five seconds my repeated punches got rid of him.

"You bastard!" I said, admonishingly

"I owe you no kisses," he said, cheerfully. "Of course, it would have been a lot more enjoyable if it had lasted longer. And just a tip for you, Keira: next time, try it without the beating. I didn't find that particularly pleasant."

"If you think there's going to be a 'next time', Boot, you have another thing coming," I warned. However when I peered into the mirror again my eye was back to the usual boring blue. "Thanks for the eye thing, though."

"Pleasure. So you still brooding over the fact that Finch-Fletchley hasn't ditched Elodie then?" he said, evidently for the idea of taking up half of my chair and bugging me for hours.

"Shut up," I said. "Just shut up."

"Ooh, I appear to have touched a nerve."

That's when I hit him quite hard on the head.

"Ouch!"

"You brought that on yourself."

We were just about to start the usual jokey blazing row when the Stinking One wandered over.

"Are you two going out or something?" she asked.

Generally in a situation like that I'd go bright red, but as it was with Terry Boot I just laughed it off.

"Yeah, right!" I said.

"Because I saw you kiss like a minute ago," Elodie said.

"That was him," I said, jerking my thumb towards Terry who raised his hands in mock surrender. "He was being a sod."

"Cheers," said Terry, sliding back onto the arm of the chair so I could curl up again. "If you want to know, Ells, Keira owes me two more kisses because I turned her eye back to blue and she drenched me the other day in Charms."

Oh goddamn it.

"She did that to me and Justin too, but I'm over it!" said Elodie in a forgiving martyr-like voice that seemed to say, "Strangle me! Strangle me!"

"Hmm," I said.

"Oh, and why was your eye not blue?" asked Elodie, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow.

"Nothing of importance," I said, going red. "Look, Sm...Elodie, I'm really kind of busy now."

"Oh, ok, I'll leave you two to it," said Elodie, with a hideous comedy wink. She darted off looking rather smug.

"Now look what you did!" I said, rounding on Terry. "Now she's going to spread it all around the school that we're going out or something!"

"Who cares?" shrugged Terry. "We know it's rubbish."

"Yeah, but everyone else will think it's true!"

"So what?"

I shoved him off the chair.

"Get lost."

"Fine," he said, wandering off somewhere.

"And...get a wash!" I added lamely.

Dammit all.

Thursday 26^th April
13:15
Herbology

God I hate Herbology. Not because I don't like the subject. It's a perfectly good subject and I did well in it. However this year due to being too slow to fight my way to a decent seat I'm lumbered with Theodore Nott as my partner. We openly loathe each other. He hates me because I'm Muggle-Born and I hate him because he's an evil little bugger. Not only is he the son of an infamous - and now thankfully imprisoned - Death Eater and a spiteful little git to boot, he is also the most stupid person on the entire planet. And I'm including Vincent Crabbe - that well known part-troll part-sandwich in that remark. It's a wonder he actually managed to turn up to his Herbology OWL, let alone pass it.

"Oi! Mudblood!" he said, tapping me on the shoulder. I was all set to turn around and throttle him for calling me that name again, but Morag gave me a warning look and mouthed, "Don't bother with him."

"Yes, Theo?" I said in fake sweetness, turning around to face him. (Although he's such a titch I have to look down to look him in the face. And I'm not even that tall.)

"Have you sorted out those Nigerian Shrivelpods yet?" he asked. Or should I say demanded. Asking is too polite a thing for Theodore Nott to bother with. He orders or commands or stipulates. (Get my vocab.)

"Not yet, I'm waiting for you to help me. Funnily enough that's what partners do."

He frowned. A terrifying sight.

"Why?"

"Because you're supremely intelligent and I can't function properly without your awesome intellect," I said ironically.

The sarcasm made a faint whistling noise as it flew over Nott's head.

"Yeah, I know," he said. "Don't you forget it, Mudblood."

"Oi!" said Ron Weasley, who was walking past with a Shrivelpod plant. "You watch your mouth."

There was a brief argument that Hermione Granger dissolved by dragging Ron away by the ear before Nott turned back to me and said, "Well. Get on with it."

Tempted to concuss him with the plant pot, but decided that that would be inappropriate conduct. Also it didn't help that Professor Sprout was standing right opposite us, having a go at Morag and Louise - who had somehow managed to blow up their plant and send Shrivelpods bouncing off the windows - and would have seen me and put me in a detention. So Nott was left to live.

For now.

12:45
By the lake with Lou

Happily sitting under the usual tree with Louise when a bunch of Slytherins wander over. Blaise Zabini and his buddies. Obviously bored with tormenting Harry Potter and his friends, they'd come to us.

"This is our tree," said Blaise, standing in front of the others, hands on hips in a leader-like way. "Hop it."

"Get lost, Zabini," said Louise, looking up at him and scowling. Zabini changed his tone when he realised it was Lou. Lou is pretty and not Muggle-Born. She's not in Gryffindor. She basically passes the Slytherin test.

"Well, you can stick around, Spinks," said Zabini, giving her a leer. Lou frowned. "But Matthews has to go."

"Why?" demanded Louise.

"Because she's a disgusting Muggle," said Zabini, giving me a filthy look.

"Listen, you," I said, drawing my wand. "Unless you want me to tell Padma about you eyeing up my friend here, you'd better shove the Hell off."

Blaise gave me a nasty look but left without bothering us further. Generally I get stick from the Slytherins due to having Muggle parents, but sometimes they give up easily. I was about to continue my discussion with Louise when Justin Finch-Fletchley came over.

He glanced at Louise and me (in that order) and said, "Hi. You're Ellie's friends, right?"

Lou gave me an amused look and said, "Yeah. I'm Lou, this is Keira."

"Yeah, I know," said Justin, his eyes on Louise. He didn't even glance at me. Well, no straight guy would when Lou's around. "Could you tell Elle that I finished that homework for her?"

"You did her homework?" I put in, bravely. I felt the redness as Justin acknowledged me for the first time. He didn't look too happy with my question, either.

"She's very busy at the moment," he said. "You're Keira Matthews, aren't you?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"You're the one that drenched me and Ellie yesterday, aren't you?"

Oh dammit all.

"Yeah...uh, sorry about that," I muttered, staring at the grass as I no doubt lit up like a beacon. "I was just trying to work the charm...I didn't mean to soak you, I swear. I just haven't got control of the water yet."

"That's cool," said Justin, smiling slightly. "I believe you. You wouldn't soak Ells deliberately, I know you wouldn't. You're best friends."

Interesting.

"Mmm," I said, trying to smile attractively without making a huge idiot out of myself.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around," he said, shrugging and leaving.

Damn I love him.

Ten reasons why Justin Finch-Fletchley should be going out with me and not Elodie Rivers

10) There is absolutely no way I would ever betray him. Ever. I bet Elodie would; she's ended up cheating on nearly all her previous boyfriends.
9) With me, he wouldn't be one of the endless hoards. He'd mean something to me. Actually, he'd be my first proper boyfriend. (Dean Thomas was not a boyfriend; he was a dance partner to the Yule Ball. Doesn't count.)
8) We're both Muggle-Born so we can stick together if the Slytherins start being arsey.
7) I wouldn't try and sap presents and money out of him. Smellodie does this even though she's rich enough to buy her own stupid drinks. And his. And the rest of the pub's.
6) I would treat him with respect. Elodie treats him like her pet dog.
5) We have more in common. I know for a fact he likes tennis and...well, he likes something that I like too but I can't remember what it is just now. But he likes it, whatever it is.
4) I would never get cross with him.
3) I appreciate the fact that he is completely and utterly gorgeous.
2) I'm not a total bitch.
1) Because I love him more.

I do, I love him a lot more than she does.

And ever will.

Suck on that, Rivers.