A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Sunday 6^th May
21:11
Common room

Yasmin and Carmichael had a good time then. Sitting together in the same armchair that Cho and Michael usually occupy. I would never have thought that Yasmin would be so...uh...public about a relationship, but then I never thought she would approach Eddie Carmichael without a welding mallet and a ten foot barge pole, either. I am evidently not a Seer. Although Professor Trelawney did say I have a natural talent in the third year.

21:13

Louise has just kindly pointed out that sadly Professor Trelawney did not say I have a natural talent for Divination, but a natural talent for smashing teacups. Which is a bit unreasonable in my humble opinion.

Anyway, you can't listen to Lou today; she's still on a mega Dean Thomas high. She only came down from cloud nine for about ten minutes at lunch to complain about the lack of decent vegetarian options.

21:14

As you may be able to tell, I'm just a bit bored.

21:16

Why is there nothing to do here? This is a wizard school, after all. You'd have thought there'd be magic and fun and all that jazz. Apparently not.

Still, there is a Quiditch game on Saturday, which will kill some time. We're against Slytherin, which is always enjoyable. They're a dirty team, so we always end up scoring a load of goals on penalties. You'd have thought they'd learn but apparently not.

Mandy has gone into SQUEEE HYPER Mode because Harry Potter might actually be able to make out that the tiny moving blue dot that keeps scoring goals is her and admire her playing ability and beauty.

This is a Quiditch game. She will be bright red and have her hair everywhere. Not to mention that blue is by no means her colour.

Still, we all have our dreams.

Monday 7^th May
19:50
Common room

Padma's written thirty-eight inches for her History of Magic essay. It's amazing how she can find that much to write about the 1780 Dementor Revolts, to be honest. She tried to get me to proof-read it, but as I told her, there is a very good reason why I dropped History of Magic.

Tuesday 8^th May
12:50
Charms
Passing notes

K, are you alright? Lulu xxx

Yes, I'm fab thanks. After all, being humiliated in front of a large group of people has always been my dream.

In case you couldn't tell by that last note, I was being sarcastic.

I know, dimmy, I'm not stupid.

Oh my God, I am so embarrassed!

Stop making such a huge deal out of it; Flitwick's hat wasn't that badly burnt. Although I still don't know how you managed to mix Incendio and Estinguero up. It's not like they're particularly similar.

I've done it before, too! Oh God oh God oh God!

When?

It's not important. Let's just say Justin Finch-Fletchley's robes were a bit singed around the cuff.

You plank.

12:50
Courtyard

I must get a boyfriend. Now that Yasmin's gone off with Carmichael, I'm one of three girls in our dormitory that doesn't have one. And Mandy doesn't properly count because she could get a boyfriend any day; she's just too obsessed with Harry Potter.

That leaves me and Morag. And Morag doesn't give a flying Kneazle's knickers. I, on the other hand, do. And anyway, if it's taking Justin so longer to figure out just how wonderful I am, maybe seeing me with another boy will drive him insane with jealousy. And then he might do something mad, like jump out of a window, which would be exciting, and then I will be the one to visit him on his sickbed. And then when he recovers we will be together, with no stupid Smellodie to get on my nerves.

But now I need to tackle the big thing of actually finding someone mad enough to go out with me. Because despite the above fantasy, I still remain undeniably normal.

And I'm sorry, but normal girls just don't cut it here.

It's a cruel game, I know. Yasmin in particular moans regularly that the student population of this school is disgustingly prejudiced towards more beautiful people (her words, not mine). The thing is that it can't be, because she has now got a boyfriend.

I sound so horrible. I should cross that out, but I'm not going to. I think it needs to be down on paper:

YASMIN MOON IS NOT THAT PRETTY AND SHE STILL A BOYFRIEND.

I, KEIRA J. MATTHEWS, A PERFECTLY NOT HIDEOUS PERSON, DO NOT.

The thing is that Yasmin has a pleasing personality and a good brain. She sticks out in the crowd. Boys like that. Me, I don't have a pleasing personality or a good brain. I do not stick out in the crowd. Ergo, boys do not like me.

Marvellous. Thank you, God.

Oops, Yasmin just spotted my "not that pretty" comment.

18:55
Common room

Honestly, Yasmin is so melodramatic.

18:56

And violent.

Wednesday 9^th May
17:30
Common room

Looking back on my entries in this diary so far, I have reached the following conclusions:

1) I have no life to speak of and need to remedy this ASAP.
2) I am self-obsessed and frankly that is just not good in a person. I will, from now on, try to spend at least fifteen minutes per day thinking about the Poor and Unfortunate, i.e. the poor exploited Muggles that those evil clothes companies treat and pay like slaves to sit up stitching for twelve hours a day etc. etc.
3) I spend WAY too much time in the common room. Must find alternative place to hang out. After all, I don't want my life (when obtained) to become boring and repetitive so early on.
4) I pass really, really pointless notes (i.e. reliving embarrassing events that I'd rather forget or arguing about how good-looking Harry Potter is) when I should be listening to the professors. From now on I will no longer pass notes during lessons, especially to Mandy.

When to start? Well, no time like the present.

17:55
Library

Took me twenty minutes to figure out another place to go. And Madam Pince is probably going to throw me out in five minutes; she is truly Le Moche Dame Sans Merci. (Yes, I know the poem says "Belle" but MP is hardly beautiful. Unless you find overgrown vultures with wrinkly necks beautiful.)

I feel so sorry for those poor people starving to death in Africa. Most of them are under the reigns of foul dictators slaughtering loads of people, and the famine can't help.

17:56

God, now I'm really depressed.

17:59

I'd really fancy some chips.

18:25
Yep, you guessed it, back in the common room

Madam Pince kicked me out as predicted. I am so hungry I think I might eat my own hair soon. Maybe I should. You never know; when it grows back it might no longer be boring brown and completely lifeless (i.e. just hangs there at that not-curly-but-not-straight phase and refusing to curl or be straightened) but thick, blonde and completely cooperative.

Huh. Dream on, Matthews.

I'm going to go and raid my chocolate stash.

18:30
Dormitory

Hmm. Chocolate stash appears to have been pilfered by someone. Probably Mandy in revenge for the Great Cheesy Snack Theft. Goddamn her; she knows I love chocolate more than life itself!

I'm going invading.

Hang on, what the Hell is this?

Ooh, leather book. With a lock. Vair fancy. Sadly, no key.

I tried Alohamora. It didn't open the lock, but words in Mandy's slanted handwriting slowly appeared on the front cover. Hmm, what does it say? Oh, that's nice.

Dear loser, did you really think I was stupid enough not to think of that?

Dammit all.

19:10

Here are the things I have tried to get the damn thing to open:

1) Various Charms
2) A hair-slide as a lock-pick
3) Bent wire, same purpose
4) Searching for key
5) Throwing book against wall in fit of rage when unable to find key
6) Kicking it
7) Shouting at it
8) Trying to rip it cover from cover

Still the effing thing won't budge. There is no way I will be able to read the evidently top secret contents of Mandy's leather book without the key. I need the key! Although knowing Mandy she's probably got it in a secret compartment under the floorboards in the seventh year boys' dormitory, kept in a bullet-proof, fireproof, waterproof, spell-proof, reinforced safe with three codes. And then set a Chimera to guard it. And to get to the Chimera you'd have to get past the three mountain trolls down there.

I think I'm overreacting slightly. But frankly, my dear diary, I don't give a damn.

19:30

How to get to that key? Hmm.

19:35

Thinking.

19:55

Thinking and eating chocolate.

20:10

I wish they had record players here. I could really do with some REM.

20:15

Incidentally, I should never let anyone know that I like that band, even Yasmin. I know she doesn't know who they are, but it could get back to someone who does. And then my life will be over. (Should I have a life, which I sadly enough don't.)

20:20

Although I don't see why I should be ashamed of my bandom. After all, REM is a very successful band. I am hardly alone in liking them. I'm sure there's another Muggle-Born or Half-Blood here that enjoys their music.

20:30

Oh fab, now I have Shiny Happy People stuck in my head.

20:35

I think I might build a castle out of Exploding Snap cards.

No. No play, must work. Must do Arithmancy homework. Must not fail. Must carry on with important homework and pass NEWT. Must not end up in another detention.

Shiny happy people holding hands...

OH CRAP.

Thursday 10^th May
17:30
Common room (I don't bloody care!!)
Thoroughly fed up with everything

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I really, really, really hate Theodore Nott.

I hate everything about him. I hate the way he looks like a midget troll with a stupid haircut. I hate the way he doesn't always close his mouth and just stands there with his mouth slightly open. I hate the fact that he thinks my name is Mudblood Matthews. I hate that he's so thick that he'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. (Not that he knows what an iguana is.) I hate his little squinty eyes and his stupid potato-shaped nose. I hate the way he has less charm than a maternally outraged gorilla with a headache. I hate everything about him, from his appearance to his (lack of) personality.

I also hate having to do this project with him.

Hannah is in the Hospital Wing at the moment because she got on the wrong side of that Slytherin seventh year that looks like a gorilla. Thingy. Uh...Malcolm Muggeridge? Oh hang on, not him, he's that Muggle writer. He's quite funny actually. No, I mean Martin Mulbridge. That's the one. Anyway, Hannah caught him throwing some poor first year around (yes, I do mean literally) and gave him a detention. Madam Pomfrey says she'll be ok once her skull heals up and her black eyes go down.

So it was just me, Terry and sodding Nott left in Herbology to try and analyze the growth speed of a Nigerian Shrivelpod Plant depending on the fertilizer used. We had five plants and five fertilizers, so we decided to test each fertilizer. It was all good until we got to plant 5. We came to the following conclusions:

MegaGrow
The plant grows at an average speed of 5 centimetres per week. Improved rate, but not disturbingly unnatural for a Shrivelpod Plant.
Conclusion: V. good

Kaynitro for Pod Plants
Plant doesn't appear to be moving at all.
Conclusion: Average (Not going to put "Bad" because the fertilizer could take effect late and be eighteen inches taller by Monday)

Kaynitro Gold for Pod Plants
Plant goes bright red and fizzes in an alarming manner. Have to abandon it.
Conclusion: V. v. bad

Nitram
Plant shoots up to five feet and has to be harvested prematurely and then cut back down to former height. Hideously freakish and unnatural amount of growth.
Conclusion: V. bad

Nott somehow conjuring up sulphuric acid from his wand and dousing the plant thoroughly with it
Instead of the predicted result of the plant dissolving, plant reacts with acid and explodes, covering not only me, Terry and Nott but Megan Jones, Wayne Hopkins, Kevin and Tracey Davis (who were standing nearby) with sticky gunk. Terry tries to strangle Nott and ends up in double detention. We all have to go and clean ourselves up. Tracey gives me a dagger look; she obviously blames me for getting goo in her perfect hair. Whole of Slytherin will be after me by tomorrow. Fed up with the whole thing. Got back and Sprout gave me, Terry and Nott detentions. Terry took anger out on my left foot. His trainers have very hard soles. Hopped around in agony for ten minutes before crashing into table. Have got three bruises on legs and possible broken toes. Had to wash hair twice to get all the stuff out of it.
Conclusion: V. horrific and scarring

Louise just added to the sheer, unadulterated horror and hideousness of my fantastic life by saying, "I hear that Sprout's been having problems with the Venomous Tentacula. Maybe you'll be pruning that for your detention?"

Oh, fabulous. What a mood booster. I am now incredibly, incredibly happy and cheery. The world is suddenly blue sky and fields of flowers under a pretty, sparkly rainbow.

Not.

Friday 11^th May
21:00
Dormitory

Louise was right. We did have to prune the Venomous Tentacula. I have several bite marks on my hands.

I thought Nott was going to have a fit when he found out we were going near it without suits of armour. After all, a giant, red, spiky thing that bites harder than a shark is not pleasant to anything, especially to a sizeably challenged boy with the thought capacity of emulsion paint.

"I en't pruning that horrible thing!" was what he said when Sprout handed the clippers over and pointed to it. "That thing almost had my arm off the last time I went near it."

"That's because you set fire to it," said Terry, darkly. He was obviously in an even worse mood than I was. Probably because he's never had a detention before in his life. "Come on, let's get this over with."

Pruning a Venomous Tentacula is hard work. It's like trying to groom a grumpy dog with sharp teeth. You don't know when it's going to lash out and take a chunk out of your arm, so you have to be really careful. And when it does bite, it really bites. I have scars. I'm considering suing.

"Don't shout, silly! It's not that bad!" said Sprout as she wondered by with a basket of what looked like pickled figs.

"It's hard not to when you've had small bleeding teeth marks ripped into your hand by an evil possessed plant," I muttered. Not too loudly, though. Don't want a double detention.

"You're lucky," said Terry at the end. "I have to stay."

"Why? Oh yeah, you tried to kill Nott," I said, scowling at the stupid little munchkin/troll hybrid. "I don't see why you got detention, actually. I'd have given you a medal."

Terry laughed. It was bitter, not amused, which didn't enforce my idea that I'm funny much. But I let him off. After all, he had another hour with the Venomous Tentacula.

Actually, I really felt sorry for him. He had to finish it at the back (where the really vicious bits are) all on his own. Yes, I know. Keira Matthews feeling sorry for Terry Boot. But it happened.

"D'you...want me to wait?" my mouth said, without consent from my brain.

Terry looked at me.

"Really? You would?"

"Yeah, sure," I said. Well, it was out now. I couldn't go back on it. "It's not like I've got anything better to do."

It was only after I'd said that that I realised that I had just implied that I had no life to speak of. (I don't, but still.) I should have said something like, "Well I'm sure the girls will be able to do that really fun and cool thing without me."

Stupid lack of imagination.

"Thanks," he said.

It was a bit awkward, actually. I was just sitting on a bench watching him attempt to prune a giant biting bush. It was actually quite boring, and soon I found myself wishing that I'd left with Nott.

"I'm taking a break," said Terry, flatly after a few minutes, plonking himself down next to me. "I am not being bitten by that stupid bloody plant again. I'll just keep a lookout until Sprout comes back."

"You brought it on yourself," I said in mock severity, taking advantage of the fact that I, for once, had the upper whatsit.

He stuck his tongue out.

"Nott deserved it," he said shortly.

And then there was that awful silence thing. Just sitting there and not talking. Bugger all. Usually Terry has everything to say, so why has he suddenly changed?

I was about to say something witty and clever (well, ish) when I noticed him looking at me. So I just looked at him right back. It was actually quite hard to keep a straight face. He just has that effect on you, y'know? Just staring at each other, right in the eyes. He's got dark brown eyes. They're quite nice, actually, sort of warm and inviting-looking. Shut up, brain, shut up!!!

"You owe me two kisses," I heard him mutter.

And then something really, really awful happened. It wasn't supposed to. I was going to push him off and tell him he was a stupid git, and then we'd both have a good laugh, but...

Well, that didn't happen.

He kind of leaned towards me, and I didn't shove him away! I actually put my face forwards and...

...and it's kind of all a blur, really.

Let's just say I've now officially had my first proper kiss. Sadly it was with someone who I don't even like in that way. It wasn't too bad, though. Kind of nice, in a weird way. Quite friendly, really. Shut up, brain, I didn't ask for your stupid opinions.

He suddenly pulled his head backwards, and grinned in an oddly business-like way.

"There you go. It's not so hard, is it?" he said.

"W-what?" I spluttered.

"You only owe me one kiss now," he said. "I'd demand the other one, but you might get the wrong idea."

"You think that I'd get the wrong idea."

"Yeah."

"You don't think I've already got the wrong idea?"

"Uh...have you?"

"You...you...utter pillock! You don't just go around randomly snogging people and then...being...normal! It's weird!"

"How?" said Terry. "How is it weird?"

"It...it..."

Actually, why is it weird? After all, it wasn't like there was anything romantic or anything in it. It was just something I owed him, like paying him back a Galleon.

No. No it's not at all like that. It's very different. It sucks. I'm all embarrassed, now. I couldn't look at him at all, and then I had to scoot to the dormitory really quickly in case he tried to talk to me. Because I don't want to talk to him ever again. Stupid git.

21:15

Lou came up.

"Hey Kee," she said. "Why're you late?"

"Oh, I waited for Terry," I said, blushing. I wish I hadn't.

Louise gave me a knowing look.

"Ah," she said.

"No!" I scowled, sitting up and glaring at her. "It was not like that at all. I just sat on the bench and waited for him to finish being eaten alive by the Venomous Tentacula. There was nothing of that kind going on!"

Well, there wasn't. It was a friendly kiss. And even if it wasn't, it's not my fault. He kissed me. If it was romantic, it was because he likes me. Not the other way around.

It is not my problem.

Or fault.

Nada.

But still. I'm not telling anyone. They might get the wrong impression. I'm not even going to tell Yasmin, Louise or Mandy. I will never tell. Not even on my deathbed.

21:30

I accidentally told Louise my secret that I will never tell, not even on my deathbed.

And she went, "SQUEEEEEEEEE!" and ran down the stairs and told Mandy and Yasmin.

And now they know.

And they WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP.

CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?!?

Five Horrible Mistakes that I Have Made that Have, Eventually, Come Back with Karmic Retribution and Ruined my Life

5) Thinking a packet of Acid Pops was a packet of Softmints and coyly offering one to Chris (the rather good-looking Muggle boy that lives next-door to us) only to discover what they were and having to get Leila to sort his tongue out and modify his memory because I couldn't do underage magic.
4) Accidentally spilling vodka in the cat's milk and thinking, "Oh, it won't make much difference." My arse, it didn't.
3) Not running into the greenhouse as fast as possible and ending up being stuck next to Nott all year.
2) Letting Terry Boot kiss me instead of beating him off, like I should've done.

But the biggest, most stupid and basically all-round awful mistake that Keira Matthews has made is...

1) Telling Louise about above mentioned kissing incident.