- Rating:
- PG-13
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Ships:
- Ginny Weasley/Harry Potter
- Characters:
- Harry Potter
- Genres:
- Humor Parody
- Era:
- Harry and Classmates During Book Seven
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix Half-Blood Prince Deadly Hallows (Through Ch. 36)
- Stats:
-
Published: 07/28/2007Updated: 08/13/2007Words: 4,003Chapters: 3Hits: 1,382
Harry Potter and the Deadly Bowels
Spider-Bat
- Story Summary:
- Sequel to "Harry Potter and the Half-Witted Prince." A spoof of Deathly Hallows. Harry is retarded, Ron likes dancing, Hermione is hot. What more needs to be said?
Chapter 03 - The Ministry of Magic/The Thief
- Chapter Summary:
- Harry and the gang break into the Ministry of Magic, cleverly disguised as Richard Nixon and his clones. Later, Harry has a vision from Voldemort's mind and burns Britney Spears.
- Posted:
- 08/13/2007
- Hits:
- 302
- Author's Note:
- Sorry Britney and Lindsay!
[Scene 5: The Ministry of Magic]
HP:
So are you guys ready to break into the Ministry of Magic?HG:
What? We didn't think you were serious Harry! It's much to dangerous to break into the Ministry!HP:
Oh, fuck that. I live for danger![FLASHBACK]
RW:
Harry! What are you doing with that CD?HP:
I'm putting it in the microwave!RW:
But Harry! Don't you know what happens when you put a CD in the microwave? It--HP:
Spare me, Ron, for I shall now do this dangerous deed![Harry puts the CD in the microwave, Mick Jagger appears and kicks Harry in the crotch]
Mick
: That's what you get for wasting a perfectly good CD![END FLASHBACK]
HG:
Harry, I strongly advise that we not--[The gang appears at the Ministry]
HP:
Too late![Harry walks into the Ministry]
HG:
Harry, wait! If anyone recognizes you, they'll kill you!HP:
Hermione, I've already thought this over! I have genius disguises for all of us![cut to Harry, Ron and Hermione entering the Ministry wearing Richard Nixon masks]
Guard:
Who are you?HP:
I am not a crook!Guard:
Alright, then. We've put up some new entrances into the Ministry. Ladies go that way, men come with me.[The guard leads Harry and Ron to a large bathroom, where people go into a stall and flush themselves into the toilet]
Guard:
I think you should understand how to get in, Mr. President.HP:
I must not tell a lie!RW:
That was Jimmy Carter, idiot!Guard
: Gentlemen, please! There is a line!RW:
Do you understand how to get in, Harry?HP:
I think so.[Harry begins urinating into the toilet]
RW:
No, Harry! You've got to stand in the toilet and flush it!HP:
But I just peed in there![cut to Harry and Ron entering the Ministry through a large pipe. They meet up with Hermione]
HG:
C'mon, guys! Bumbitch's office is in the dungeons!HP:
Let's go! [walks into a wall]HG:
It's this way, Harry.[Int. Ministry Dungeons]
[The gang file out of an elevator]
RW:
It's Bumbitch!Bumbitch:
So then I cut off his arm and started whacking him with it, and I said "Stop hitting yourself, stop--"... Hello, Mr. President. I see you have your clones with you today!HP:
I have a dream!Bum.:
I see... Well, good day sir.HP:
Bye the way, ma'am... Where is your office at? I wanted to... investigate it...Bum.:
There's not going to be another Watergate is there?HP:
Um... no...Bum.:
Third door on the left, then.HG:
That was close! Thank god no one knows Nixon died a while ago!HP:
Yeah... What's a Watergate?RW:
I think it's one of those fountains that keep people from getting inside a place.HP:
Of course![The gang approaches Bumbitch's office, and there are several people grouped outside of it doing paperwork]
HG:
We need a way to distract them!HP:
Um... We could tell them Larry King is back from the dead and he's standing right there!HG:
Larry King never d--Worker:
Larry King's back from the dead? Oh my god![The workers hurry over to where Harry indicated Larry King is, and the gang file into Bumbitch's office]
HP:
[laughs] Bumbitch is so weird! She's got an eye on her wall! I think she's got her eye on us!HG:
Harry, you fool, that's Bad-Eye Moody's eye!HP:
Sweet! I want it![Harry pulls the eye off the wall and plugs it into his eye socket]
HP:
Guys, look at me! I'm one of Britney Spears's kids! "Ooh, mummy drank when I was inside of her! I'm not normal!"HG:
Oh my god! It seems like the Ministry has made it illegal to be a Muggle-born, and Bumbitch is in charge of the operation!RW:
Hey, aren't you one of those?HG:
Yes, Ron, that's the whole reason I was attacked by that huge snake in our second year!HP:
[looking at a filing cabinet] Hey, Ron! She's got a file on your dad! It says he's being tracked because there is a 'strong likelihood Undesirable Number One will contact.' Who the hell is Undesirable Number One?[Harry is standing right in front of a large poster that reads "Wanted: Harry Potter- Undesirable Number One]
HG:
I think it's you, Harry.HP:
Ooh, maybe I'll get to be on Cops. Well, I can't find this locket anywhere. It must be with Bumbitch.RW:
Where in the world could she be?HG:
I have no idea. I guess we should just go home.HP:
I think she's in the courtroom, interrogating Muggle-borns.HG:
What makes you think that?HP:
[pointing to computer] It's her away message on AIM.[Int. Dungeon Courtroom]
RW:
Harry! It's a gang of Dementedors! They'll suck the soul out of you!HP:
Thanks, Ron, but we figured that out in the third book after it was mentioned a hundred times![FLASHBACK]
[Harry is standing in a forest, surrounded by Dementedors]
HG:
Harry! We've got to stop the Dementedors from getting to Serious! They'll suck the soul out of him!HP:
You just told me this not ten seconds ago![END FLASHBACK]
RW:
How are we supposed to get around them?HP:
Um... Hey! Dementedors! Hanna Montana is dancing with that kid from the High School Musical show! They're... too happy! And they... just smoked a bunch of crack! And... they're eating candy!Dementedor:
Oh god! Not again! Let's get 'em![Dementedors leave, the gang walks into the courtroom]
Bum.:
I hereby order you to the death sentence for being a Mudblood.Lady:
No! You don't understand! I'm a half-blood! My father is David Blane!Bum.:
It would have been much more convincing if you said he was Criss Angel. You are the weakest link, goodbye.HP:
Wait!Bum.:
Mr. Nixon! Do you have something to add?HP:
Um... yeah... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?[Harry points to nothing, but the whole courtroom turns. He fires a spell at Bumbitch and steals the locket from around her neck]
HP:
Let's get the hell out of here! Round up all the Muggle-borns!Dementedor:
Hey you lied to us about Hanna Montana!HP:
Shit! Repellus Dementedorus!Dementedor:
Hey, that's very rude!RW:
You know what? We need some cool running away music to dance to!HG:
Ron, is this really--[Ron turns on iPod, "My Wife" by the Who plays]
HP:
What the hell is this?RW:
Apparently the writer turned into a hippie since the last movie. Just go along with it.Cop:
President Nixon! You are under arrest for the attack of Senior Secretary of the Muggle-Born Registration Commission, Dolores Bumbitch!HP:
What? I can't hear you over the noise of that train wreck behind you![The cops turn to see Britney Spears chatting away on her cell phone, holding her child as it slowly falls back and dies of starvation. When the cops turn back, the gang is gone]
[Ext. The House of Whack]
[The gang appear with a crazy rabid monkey on Harry's back. They quickly disappear again]
[Scene 6: The Thief]
[Ext. A forest]
[The gang appear in a clearing, except for Ron, who is up a tree]
HP:
Where the hell--HG:
Get the Neosporin out of my purse! Quickly!HP:
Why, what's--HG:
Ron appeared in the middle of a tree! He's hanging there by a chunk of skin, and he's bound to fall--[Ron falls onto the ground behind Harry and Hermione]
RW:
Ow! My arm hurts! I'm missing a big chunk of skin! I want a Band-Aid! [cries]HG:
Here you go, Ron, I got you Band-Aids--RW:
Are they my Blue's Clues Glow-in-the-Dark ones?HG:
Yep, I packed them just for you. Now I'm just going to dab on some of this--RW:
[jumps away from Hermione] That's not the stingy stuff, is it?HG:
No, it's just going to clean up your boo-boo. Now just let me--RW:
Promise it's not the stingy stuff!HG:
Okay, I promise...[Hermione cleans Ron's wound as he cringes]
HP:
Where are we?HG:
The woods.HP:
Oh... of course. What happened?HG:
You got grabbed by a crazy rabid monkey with a bomb strapped to its back. It blew up the House of Whack and made it visible to everyone. I'm afraid it's... no more.HP:
Man! We paid all that money to get it redesigned by those guys from Queer Eye.HG:
Well, I suppose we better stay here then. Harry, set up the tent. I'll put up some protective spells.HP:
Ooh, I've always wanted to go camping![Harry struggles to put up the tent, and eventually kicks it, sits on the ground and pouts]
HG:
Harry, did you forget that we're magic?HP:
...It did not come to mind, no. Pitchus Tentus![Harry points his wand at the tent, but instead of it magically being pitched, Harry receives a large erection]
[Ext. The Tent]
[Harry is supposed to be watching for bad guys, but has fallen asleep]
[The screen fades to white, and we now see through the eyes of Voldemort. He is flying along, and briefly stops at an adult video store. Eventually, he comes to a man's house]
V:
Give it to me, Greg.Man:
I don't have it anymore! It was stolen from me!V:
Don't lie to me. I know everything, including that certain 'experiment' you had during the war.Man:
I was... I was so lonely! You understand!V:
No, I'm not a gay man. Who stole it?Man:
I don't know! It was... so long ago... he was a young man-- I swear I don't...[Voldemort points his wand at the man and we see a quick look at the man who stole the man's object]
V:
Well, then I must kill you. Killus Tacularus![Harry wakes from his vision of Voldemort. He is sweating and panting heavily.]
HG:
Harry? Are you alright? You're sweating and panting heavily!HP:
I just... had a dream I was one of Britney Spears's kids.RW:
Jeez, how many times can we burn Britney Spears before she sues or it stops being funny?HP:
I don't know. I was planning on switching to Lindsay Lohan about half-way through the movie.HG:
Harry, that was no dream! I know you had another vision about Vol--RW:
Don't say his name! It gives me nightmares!HG:
Fine... You had another vision about You-Know-Who, didn't you? I demand you to stop it!HP:
Hermione, that's like asking Lindsay to stop getting arrested!RW:
Hey, that's a little early, isn't it?HG:
Alright, I'll take the rest of the watch.RW:
So what happened in your... er... 'dream?'HP:
Not quite sure. There were a lot of Furbies getting killed by Wookies and then suddenly You-Know-Who was torturing some guy.RW:
What for?HP:
I don't know. I think the Furbies were getting too annoying and the Wookies got--RW:
No... Why was You-Know-Who torturing a guy?HP:
He wanted something... I think it was some kind of wand... He must have found out that he can't kill me with his! Of course! But then he killed the guy so that kind of defeats the purpose.RW:
He killed him?HP:
Yeah, that's what I said. What are you, blind? Anyways, he looked at the guy's memory and saw the other guy that stole the one guy's thing.RW:
Wow, I feel so informed.Sorry reader!