Harry Potter and the Deadly Bowels

Harry Potter

And the Deadly Bowels

[There once was a time when all little Harry Potter had to worry about was puberty and his mental retardation... but times have changed.]

[Voldemort is back from the dead, Dumbledore is dead, Harry has to find and destroy Voldemort's Horcruxes, and Ron has to dance]

[Scene 1: Rise of Voldemort]

[Int. Malfoy Manor]

Voldemort

: So that's settled. We shall take over the Ministry of Magic in two months time. We shall murder any members of the Board of the Phoenix. We shall find Harry Potter, and let me kill him. And, we shall get a Variety Bucket from KFC for dinner. Any objections?

Lucius Malfoy

: I want popcorn chicken!

V

: Do you honestly think you have the right to popcorn chicken? After I had to go to all the trouble of breaking you out of Alcatraz? After I spared your son, even though he couldn't kill a defenseless old man?

LM

: Well, I can pay for it...

V

: Yes, Malfoy. You will pay for it. And give me your wand too. I have a feeling it may be the wand that kills Harry Potter

LM:

Horray!

V

: Silence, fool! Get me my KFC now!

LM:

Yes, my lord.

[Scene 2: The Fugliest Farewell]

[Int. The Fugly House]

Harry Potter

: My favourite old man is dead. Why did Snape have to kill him? And what's worse-- they've been telling these dastardly tales about him all over the internet! I even found a Dumbledore sex tape!

Hedwig

: Craw!

HP:

I guess you're right, Hedwig. Despite all the sodomizing, Dumbledore was a good man.

Uncle Vicious

: POTTER! GET DOWN HERE!

HP:

[standing right next to Vicious] Alright, then.

UV:

I guess this is goodbye then boy. I'm sure that by forcing us away, you think you're getting a great house, eh? Well, I left you a little present in the upstairs toilet.

HP:

I'm not trying to steal your house, I'm trying to save you! I'll be of age in a couple days, which means I can buy a Playboy... I mean-- You won't be protected from Voldemort.

UV:

Well... at least we're going some place nice. Florida, here we come! [exits]

Cousin Fugly

: I guess he never found out we're going to Detroit, then.

HP:

Oh, aside from all the rapings, shootings, winning sports teams, and groggy atmosphere, they're pretty much the same!

CF:

Harry, I guess I never got to properly thank you for saving me a couple years back. And I guess I've been a bit of an ass... but... thank you and I'm sorry.

HP:

[shakes Fugly's hand] It's been a pleasure knowing your fat ass. Bye!

[Ron appears next to Harry, in the midst of dancing]

HP:

Ron? What are you doing here?

Ron Weasley

: Dancing, of course!

HP:

Mind if I join? [begins dancing]

Bad-Eye Moody

: Alright, you homos. We need to get a move on! Potter, hop in that motorbike with Hagrid. The rest of us will ride brooms.

[Harry climbs into the sidecar of Hagrid's bike]

BEM:

Everyone ready? One, two, three--

[The scene immediately cuts to black. There is screaming and sounds of gun shots in the background.]

[Harry awakes at the Burrow]

HP:

What happened?

Hagrid:

Well, we took off, right? Then I accidentally punched you in the head and you passed out... Um... You-know-who came and tried killing us... Luckily he only got yer bird... Let's see... Bad-Eye died and George got his ear blown off... Ginny's horny for you and Hermione and Ron are probably fighting.

HP:

Oh, that's all? Thought it would be worse than that.