Harry Potter and the Deadly Bowels

[Scene 3: The Wedding]

[Int. Ron's Bedroom]

RW:

I'm only asking if I can touch them. It's not like I'm going to squeeze or anything!

Hermione Granger

: No, Ron! I am very private about my body!

RW:

Well... how about this. I'll let you grab mine if I can grab yours!

HG:

[slaps Ron] Honestly, that is not how you talk to a lady, Ronald!

RW:

But my mum and dad--

HP:

Enough fighting, Jesus! Hermione, where's my backpack?

HG:

It's in my purse, along with about a dozen books, some Dark magic detectors, some tampons, a change of clothes, and a puppy!

HP:

No... that all can't fit in a purse! Not even those big-ass ones all the girls in Hollywood carry around!

RW:

You've got to wonder how Nichole Richey does it without her arm breaking off...

HG:

I've got some spells on the purse, but that's beside the point. We're pretty much all packed for our trip. All we're waiting for it Ron's tighty-whities to come out of the dryer. We'll be leaving after Bill's wedding.

HP:

Who's Bill and who's he marrying?

HG:

Ron's brother and that one girl you played against in the Tri-Witless Tournament, Brûlant Jeunemadam!

HP:

Sweet! I love weddings! When is it?

HG:

In about an hour.

HP:

Sweet! I'm going down early!

[Int. Weasley House Staircase]

[Ginny is waiting outside her door as Harry comes running down the stairs]

Ginny Weasley

: Harry! Could you come in? I want to give you a birthday present to remember me by.

HP:

Oh, I hope it's an iPhone!

[Ginny and Harry go into Ginny's room, and Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" plays. They come back out about a minute later, hair and clothes messed up and looking rather sweaty]

HP:

Wow! You really are great at DDR!

GW:

I try.

HP:

And I loved that game of Twister we played!

GW:

Yep, that was fun.

HP:

And that part where we sat and pretended to be Republicans!

GW:

I guess the sweat charm does work!

HP:

Oh, the sex was great too.

[Ext. Weasley Home]

[Bill and Brûlant are at the alter]

Preacher

[played by Billy Dee Williams]: And now you may kiss the bride and get down with your funky selves.

[As everyone begins to dance, Harry and Ron move off to the side]

HP:

Ron, I hope your not upset that I plowed your sister.

RW:

You did what?

HP:

Oh, I thought Hermione would have told you. I made love to Ginny.

RW:

[stutters] Why?

HP:

Well, aside from being in love with her, I've always had a thing for redheads. [strokes Ron's hair]

RW:

Well, I hope to god you at least wore a condom!

HP:

A what?

Vicky Crumbs:

Harry Potter! How good to be seeing you again! Say, who is that man over there, dressed in woman's attire?

HP:

Oh, that's Bob Lovegood, my friend Loony's dad.

VC:

Is he aware he is sporting the symbol of the dark lord Goingbald?

HP:

Isn't that the guy Dumbledore defeated a while ago?

VC:

Yes... he is also the man who killed Princess Diana.

HP:

What an ass! I loved that woman!

[All of a sudden, a Patronus bursts into the room]

Patronus

: Rufus Scrimmage is dead! The Ministry is in the hands of Voldemort! The Death Eaters are coming!

[Scene 4: Hide and Go Hide]

[Ext. A street in Brighton]

[Harry, Ron and Hermione appear in the middle of the street and immediately start running for a dark alley]

HP:

What the hell happened back there?

HG:

I don't know, but we need to change!

[she begins removing her dress and reaching in her purse for clothes. Harry and Ron do not move, but stare at her intently]

HG:

Yes, I get it! I have a great body and you want to see me naked! But would you please just get yourselves dressed? Harry, those are my clothes!

HP:

[dressed in girl pants and a brassiere] I honestly can't feel the difference. [looks down] Oh, hello there boobies!

[Int. A Diner]

Waitress:

What would you like?

RW:

I'll take the New York Strip-- baked potato with that, some of your finest chili, but no beans please, and--

HG:

Cappuccino is fine, thanks.

RW:

I hate coffee! I don't want it! Probably tastes like shit!

HP:

You know, Style does say coffee is the preferred drink of fat Americans everywhere.

RW:

Great, now I'm going to end up a fat American. Thanks a lot, Hermione!

HP:

Let's dance just to piss her off! [dances] Man, I bet Voldemort wishes he could dance like us!

HG:

Shush, you two! There's something going on in the kitchen!

Emeril

: Bam, bam, bam!

[Emeril is killed by two Death Eaters that appear next to him. They advance to the gang]

HP:

Shit! Knockus Outus!

[the Death Eaters fall unconscious, and the gang move them back into the kitchen]

HP:

Let's get out of here! We can hide out in Serious's old house!

RW:

But we never got to finish dancing!

HG:

Come on, Ron!

[Int. the House of Whack]

[The gang appears in the house]

Kreacher the House Elf:

Kreacher was told to give you these things from Dumbledore's will upon your arrival. He is also to tell you that he was watching CNN and the fat lady from Ministry has my master's locket on her!

HP:

Wait... locket? What master was this, Kreacher?

KHE:

'Tis my master Reggie. Reggie "Alec Baldwin" Whack. Sir Baldwin twas master Reggie's favourite actor.

HP:

That's who stole the Horcrux me and Dumbledore went after last year! "R.A.B.!" And our old teacher, Dolores Bumbitch has got it!

KHE:

May Kreacher use the toilet facility to play with himself, Master?

HP:

Yeah, don't make a mess. What is all this stuff Dumbledore gave us?

HG:

Well, Ron got this great device called a "Put-Outer." You got a Golden Snitch that hides something important inside it. I got a fascinating children's story about three brothers...

Charlie Brown

: I got a rock.

HG:

It also says in the letter that Harry inherited the sword of Gryffindork too, but the Ministry didn't think it was rightfully Dumbledore's to give away.

HP:

Well, that sucks. You know what we should do tomorrow?

RW:

Dance?

HP:

We should break into the Ministry and steal that locket from Bumbitch.

[Ron and Hermione laugh]

HG:

Good one, Harry.