The Dark Mart

The sun was setting as Voldemort, Wormtail, and Bellatrix walked through a forest nearby a busy Muggle city. They had Apparated far away from the jail; therefore they had no fear of being caught.

"That was quite an invigorating escape," said Voldemort. "I thought we'd never...Wormtail, if you hum one more bar of that James Bond music, I will kill you!"

"Sorry, Master...."

"So annoying....Anyways, Bella, I have to tell you about all the crazy things that happened to me and Wormtail while we were in jail! One gentleman offered me 'Coke', and so I accepted. But alas, what I received was something much different from a refreshing beverage. I swear, if they hadn't confiscated my wand, I would have opened up a can of Avada Kedavra on his...Do you find something funny?"

Bellatrix was trying not to laugh. "Nothing...."

"You think you're so smart, don't you?" said Voldemort. "I suppose you're some expert on prison--" He paused, and a look of embarrassing realization spread across his face. "Oh, right. The Azkaban thing."

"Um, right....," said Bellatrix awkwardly. "By the way, just out of curiosity, why couldn't you just Apparate out of jail?"

"Well, you see," said Voldemort, "there's a good reason for that. It's, um...you see...it's quite simple, really...the thing is...BLAST!!!"

Bellatrix giggled. "That's all right, you're still a hottie. So now where do we go?"

"I have a suggestion," said Wormtail.

"I've told you a million times, Wormtail," said Voldemort. "We're not going to Hooters, so just drop it!"

"Actually, I was going to suggest going to another store to get the things on the list. Perhaps a less evil store...maybe Target?"

Voldemort considered this. "Well, they are less sinister than Wal-Mart, and their gift cards are simply adorable!"

"Excellent! And after Target--"

"Drop it, Wormtail!"

With that, they set off, and it didn't take them long to find the local Target.

"Dang, it sure didn't take us long to find the local Target," commented Voldemort.

They walked in the door and looked around. The place felt friendlier than Wal-Mart did, and none of the employees looked miserable. This was slightly to Voldy's distaste, but hey, it was better than being tackled down and tazed.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Voldemort. "They have a Starbucks in here!"

The three hurried over to the Starbucks counter, knocking over two carts and an old lady on the way.

"I'll have a grande white chocolate mocha cappuccino," said Wormtail.

"I'll have a tall double chocolate chip frappuccino with whipped cream on top," said Voldemort.

"I'll have what the sexy guy's having!" said Bellatrix eagerly.

Voldemort whispered to the cashier, "Make hers a decaf."

Upon receiving his coffee, Voldemort threatened a small family into leaving their table. There was a free table next to that one, but he wanted to sit by the window. And besides that, he would never dream of passing up a chance to give random people death threats. The three sat down leisurely, as if nothing of consequence had just happened.

Before Voldemort and Wormtail could even stir their coffee, Bellatrix flipped her cup over and proceeded to pour every last drop of the scalding hot liquid down her throat. They watched in astonishment as she bounced up and down in her seat and spoke rapidly, never stopping to breathe. "I love coffee! Coffee's great! I've never felt so hyper! Except for whenever I'm stalking you, Voldypoo! Did I say that out loud? Oops, I did! Oh well! Isn't coffee great? Coffee's great!"

"Master," whispered Wormtail, "has she taken one breath since we sat down?"

"No....," replied Voldemort.

"Should we tell her it's decaf?"

"Not yet. This is rather amusing."

"Yes...rather."

"COFFEE RULES!!!" screamed Bellatrix. People began to stare.

"Shall we tell her now, Master?"

"Yes, now would be a good time. Bella, that's decaf."

No sooner had the word "decaf" been uttered, than she fell unconscious to the floor.

"I suppose we should have said something sooner," said Voldemort. "Oh well. She'll wake up eventually."

Just as the Dark Lord said, it wasn't long until Bellatrix woke up.

"Dang, it sure didn't take me long to wake up," commented Bellatrix.

"Yes, rather," said Voldemort, "Now let's shop!"

Shopping at Target was undoubtedly more peaceful than shopping at a certain other "store of evil." They managed to collect everything on the list with no interruptions-- no pestering greeter, no annoying teenagers, and no DVD sales lady (May she rest in peace). Before long, they were at the front of the checkout line.

"Um...Master," said Wormtail, "I'm not saying you have to, or anything, but maybe if you actually pay for the stuff this time, we won't have to go to jail again."

"You mean I can't just kill people and run?" asked Voldemort regretfully. "'Cause that would be great!"

"Well, that would probably cause a lot of problems, what with this being a Muggle store and all.... Besides; somebody has already performed an unforgivable curse in front of Muggles today!"

"I told you, Wormtail, it's all good!" said Bellatrix. "I bribed them!"

"Why didn't you just use a memory charm?"

"Well, you see...the thing is...it's quite simple, really...CURSES!!!"

"Shut up, you imbeciles!" said Voldemort. "I won't like it, but I'll pay the man. This is so degrading, paying for goods...."

The cashier bagged the last item (a Malibu Barbie) and added up the total cost. Voldemort reached in his pocket and pulled out ten Galleons. "This should cover it."

The cashier examined one of the Galleons. "Sir, I don't know what kind of currency this is, but I can't accept it."

"What are you rambling about? That's a Galleon! The most valuable of all the wizarding...oh crap. Listen, I'm afraid I don't have any Muggle, I mean, non magical, I mean... I don't have the right kind of money. But you're cool, right? You'll take foreign money, right? ...Right?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I just can't-- OH MY GOSH, IT BURNS!!!" The cashier screamed, for Wormtail had taken a can of pepper spray and maced him right in the eyes!

"Holy crap, Wormtail!" said Voldemort, clearly impressed. "Where did you get that Crucio-in-a-can?"

"I stole it from a prison guard, but I think it's called 'mace'," said Wormtail.

"Really? Mace? I suppose they thought 'Crucio-in-a-can' was just too long a name. Now grab the stuff and let's run!"

They ran as fast as they could to the outside of the building and, when no one was looking, Apparated to the Riddle mansion.

"That was freakin' awesome, Wormtail!" said Voldemort when they arrived. "That's like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for the Dark Lord!"

Wormtail looked extremely proud, and Bellatrix looked extremely jealous.

"Oh, don't look so extremely jealous," said Voldemort. "I mean, what have you done for me lately?"

"I got you out of jail!"

"I said lately."

"It was two hours ago!"

"Exactly! Two whole hours! Wormtail maced the crap out of that dude two minutes ago! He's, like, awesome!"

"I suppose...."

"Hey, Master?" said Wormtail, "I just had a bad thought. What if this is the end of our crazy adventures?"

"You know, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "I have a feeling there will be no shortage of crazy adventures in the near future."

"What makes you say that, Master?"

"I don't know. What do I look like, a flippin' psychic? Ask the author."

"But she's mean to me...."

Wormtail dropped one of Draco's stiletto knives, and it fell on his foot.

"Ow! You see what I mean?" said Wormtail, in much pain.

"Shut up, Wormtail." Voldemort unlocked the door and the three went inside, but Wormtail tripped on his way in and dropped everything he was holding.

"Cut that out!"

Ha, ha, Wormtail. Ha, ha.

One week later...

Lord Voldemort stood in front of all his followers, outside the Riddle Mansion. Each Death Eater held a tazer in hand, looking confused.

"I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here," said the Dark Lord. "Today, my friends, I shall be introducing to you a very useful new weapon: the Crucio-in-a-Can!"

The Death Eaters all gasped and whispered excitedly to one another.

"Now, I'm sure you're all wondering just how to use this device. Well, you just push this button here, and then simply attack whomever you wish. Pay attention, everyone, for Bellatrix will now provide an example for you by using her Crucio-in-a-Can on Wormtail, who so kindly volunteered to take place in this demonstration! Give him a hand, folks!"

Wormtail grimaced. When he volunteered, he had had something more like serving Kool-Aid in mind. Bellatrix grinned evilly as she approached him.

"Oh, wait just one moment, Bella," interrupted Voldemort. "I did forget to mention one thing. To fully allow the Crucio-in-a-Can to reach its full extent of power, you must simply utter an incantation before using it. Repeat after me, everyone. Pervert!"

"Pervert!" shouted all the Death Eaters with enthusiasm.

Voldemort smirked. As if the Order could ever dream of defeating him now!

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to James Bond, Coke, Hooters, Target, Starbucks, Wal-Mart, or Barbie.