The Dark Mart

Addition to the standard disclaimer:

References are made to the following: Wal-Mart, Just for Men, Barbie, and the song Fergalicious by Fergie. I do not own the rights to any of them.

Voldemort was sitting in his study, altering his favorite set of robes, when Wormtail frantically barged in.

"Hello, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "and what is so important that you would interrupt my bedazzling?"

"Well, master...," said Wormtail, "it seems the Death Eaters have made a list of things they need, and it's quite long... I'm afraid there's only one place you can get all this..."

Voldemort took the list from Wormtail and read it.

"Yes...," said Voldemort, "the store of evil, which even the Dark Lord is forced to visit sometimes... I believe there is no other way."

Suddenly, a loud gasp was heard from outside the door, and then a voice could be heard. "The dark and sexy Lord Voldemort is going to some 'store of evil' alone? I don't like this one bit!"

Voldemort sighed. "Bellatrix, are you listening in again?"

"No..."

"We had a talk about this. I know I'm amazingly hot, but try and control yourself."

She entered the room, looking disappointed. "Yes, your handsomeness..."

"I don't plan on going alone anyway. I'm taking one Death Eater with me, just to be safe. Oh, quit with the puppy dog eyes, Bella, it won't work! Let's go, Wormtail!"

"Ooh, burn!" said Wormtail, and with that, he and Voldemort Disapparated.

The two appeared in front of the mysterious "store of evil". Voldemort stared up at the building with repugnance and determination in his snakelike eyes.

"This place radiates evil," he said. "Well, we have a mission. Come on."

They walked toward the door.

"Wormtail, I'm afraid this corporation rivals even my power. Remember, we are only here to get a few things. I want nothing more to do with this place than....."

They walked in the door.

"...Holy crap! They have everything!"

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" said the greeter. "Would you like a smiley face sticker?"

"No, I don't want that ridiculous sticker! And neither does....Wormtail, put that back!"

Wormtail jumped in shock and dropped the sticker he was holding. Voldemort grabbed him by the sleeve and walked away, but not before pointing a finger menacingly at the greeter and saying, "You'll get yours." He then grabbed a cart and began to push it. It made squeaking and thumping noises.

"Blast," he said, "I got a bad cart. What are the odds?" He looked down at the cart. "What the...? Wormtail, get out of it! You can walk just fine!"

"Yes, master..."

Pulling out his list, Voldemort read. "Let's see here... Lucius needs hair gel, hair spray, hair mousse, shampoo, conditioner, after-conditioner conditioner (leave-in, of course), and five different kinds of brushes... This explains a lot."

He was pushing the cart toward the hair care aisle when he saw two teenage girls. They were staring at him and whispering to each other.

"What are you looking at?" Voldemort demanded.

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey, he, like, totally noticed us!" said one of them.

"I know! He's kinda cute, too! I wonder if he's a senior. You should ask him out, Monica!"

"Oh my gosh, Lindsey! He, like, doesn't have a nose!"

"You know, I'm standing right here," said Voldemort. "I can hear every word you're saying,"

The girls started laughing and ran away.

"I am so not a senior," said Voldemort to himself. "I've still got a lot of youth left in me!"

Voldemort and Wormtail made their way to the hair care aisle. "So many brands!" exclaimed Voldemort. "What on earth should I buy?"

A lady was browsing the shelves nearby. Voldemort approached her, and she started to walk away.

"Stop right there, woman!" he yelled.

The lady stopped, and turned toward him.

"Good, now I need to know which--"

"Pervert!" she screamed, and pepper sprayed him in the eyes.

"Holy crap!" he shouted. "What is this, Crucio-in-a-can? Forget this! Wormtail, just get the cheapest brands!"

Wormtail obeyed, and Voldemort browsed for himself while he waited. He noticed a box. "'Just for Men'?" he said curiously. "I'm a man!" He picked up the box and looked at the back. "Hmm... It seems to have worked for the guy in the picture..." He placed the box in the cart.

"But, master," said Wormtail, "Lucius doesn't need--"

"Leave it in the cart, Wormtail...," said Voldemort, a malevolent look on his face. "Now for Draco...a Malibu Barbie and some red lipstick. He claims they're for his 'girlfriend'. Yeah right... He also wants 'stilettos'. Oh Lord, please let that mean he wants a set of knives..." He approached a sales lady, looking as threatening as possible. "I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I am feared above all in the wizarding world. I shall require your assistance." He paused, for dramatic effect. "I need to find a Malibu Barbie."

The sales lady giggled. "OK, Mr. 'Dark Lord', Barbies are on aisle five."

"Thank you," said Voldemort, an evil smirk on his face. "She was terrified. Did you hear that nervous laugh?"

"Yes, master...she was petrified."

They found all the things for Draco's "girlfriend" and put them in the cart. Voldemort took another look at his list.

"Let's see what Bellatrix needs...A book: 'How to Win the Bad Boy'...Yeah right, like I'm buying that...And some black eyeliner. As if! Wormtail, run and get her a book about killing techniques instead. She'll enjoy that. I'll be waiting here by the electronics."

Wormtail ran off and Voldemort walked over to the video games. He started playing a demo for a Harry Potter game. A kid walked up and watched him play for a few minutes. Finally, the kid spoke up. "The point of the game is to help Harry, not kill him."

Voldemort turned to stare menacingly at the small child. "You play it your way, I'll play it mine."

A few minutes later, Wormtail returned with the book to find his master over by the music with headphones on, singing a song. "I'm V-to-the-O-L-D-the-I-the-E and can't no other dark lord put it down like me, I'm Voldelicious... It's hot hot, I'm so malicious... They want a taste of what I got, t-t-tasty tasty! V-to-the-O-to-the-L-D-E-M-O-R-T..."

"Master?"

"Oh! Uh...Hello, Wormtail..." Voldemort turned red (well, actually, he was still inhumanly pale, but not as much as usual). "So...let's see what Snape wants, shall we?" He nervously glanced down at the list. "All he wants are poisonous potion ingredients, and I haven't seen many of those around here, so I'll just slip him one of Lucius' twenty bottles of shampoo instead. He needs that more, anyway. OK, Wormtail, go to the checkout line. I'll meet you there once I finish my song."

Wormtail did not dare question the Dark Lord or his taste in music, so he obeyed. Once the "Voldelicious" song was over, Voldemort started to make his way toward the checkout line, but was soon interrupted by a sales lady.

"Oh, hello," she said. "You must be here to promote the release of our new Harry Potter DVD box set! Wow, you look very convincing!"

"What are you rambling about, woman? Why would I support that brat?"

"Ooh, you act very convincing, too! I'll just write up a check for you now."

"Well, lady, I don't know what the heck you mean, but I'll accept your money."

"Okey dokey! So what's your name?"

"Lord Voldemort."

"No, silly! Your real name."

"I just told you! Lord Voldemort!"

"I understand who you're dressed up as, but I need your real name."

"Lord Vol--"

"Look, I can't make out a check to Lord Voldemort!"

Voldemort looked down at his feet sheepishly and quietly said, "Tom..."

"OK...Tom," said the lady. "Last name?"

"Riddle..."

"Hang on! That's still your character's name! I need your real--"

"MY FIRST NAME IS AVADA! WANNA KNOW MY LAST NAME?"

"I'll just write this later..."

"Excellent," said Voldemort, and he ran toward the checkout counter. The cashier was just finishing up with Wormtail.

He stared in disbelief at his servant. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Paying the cashier."

"I'm the freakin' Dark Lord, Wormtail! I don't have to pay!"

"Uh, yeah, you do!" said the cashier. "We're not going to give you all this stuff for free. I don't care who you are!"

"INSOLENT MUDBLOOD!" yelled Voldemort, pointing his wand at the cashier.

"Sir, we don't want any trouble. I'm calling security."

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!" he shouted, but it was too late. Within seconds, three large security guards were tackling Voldy to the floor.

"Get off me at once!"

One of the guards pulled out a tazer. "Sir, don't make me use this."

"Hey! Don't taze me, bro!" said Voldemort threateningly. "Avada ked--"

Zap.

"Ow! Son of a ..."

"I'm calling the cops," interrupted one of the guards (and at a very appropriate moment, I might add). "You're going to jail for attempted shoplifting and disturbing the peace!" He turned to Wormtail. "Are you with this guy?"

"Uh....No..."

"Oh, some friend you are, Wormtail! Can't you ever just be cool?" said Voldemort.

The cops soon arrived, and put Voldy and Wormtail in the back seat of their car. However, despite the situation, Voldemort had a devious grin on his face.

"Master, why are you smiling?"

"Don't you get it, Wormtail? The Dementors are on our side! They will get us out of this!"

"Um...Master... We're going to a Muggle jail."

"Oh...Blast!"