The Dark Mart

Addition to the standard disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Death of a Salesman or Wal-Mart.

Bellatrix was sitting on a couch in the Malfoys' living room, looking very disturbed (well, more so than usual). "Voldypoo's not back yet," she said anxiously. "I think he's in trouble and needs my help! Maybe if I save him, he'll finally fall in love with me...."

"Um...sweetie?" said her husband Rodolphus. "I'm sitting right beside you. I can hear every word you're saying."

"Yes, you just don't know when to go away, do you? Well, I have to go and save the love of my life!" She turned on the spot and disappeared.

Rodolphus sighed. "Some anniversary this has been. Still better than last year, though."

Bellatrix stared up at the Wal-Mart building and shivered. "How can Muggles emanate such evil?" She shivered once more and reluctantly entered the building.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" said the greeter.

"Tell me, have you seen this sexy man?" She held up a picture of Voldemort: a glamour shot of him lying on a bed of roses and laughing as he talked on a cell phone.

"Why, yes, I did," replied the greeter. "He came in here earlier. Would you like a smiley face sticker?"

Bellatrix's expression instantly became severe. "I am NOT a supporter of your evil corporation!" she screamed. "I support the evil stud muffin Lord Voldemort, and NO ONE else!"

"OK, fine. We're sure getting a lot of weirdos in here today...," the greeter said under her breath.

Bellatrix walked quickly, glancing down each aisle she passed, until she saw Lindsey and Monica. "You two!" she called. "Have you seen this sexy man?"

The girls laughed when they saw the picture. "Yeah, totally," said Monica. "He went toward the hair care aisle."

"By the way, I agree with you," said Lindsey. "He really was sexy!"

Bellatrix then made her way to the hair care aisle, but not before pointing a finger menacingly at Lindsey and saying, "You'll...get...yours." Voldemort, however, was not there. She searched aisle after aisle, occasionally finding some good prices on black eyeliner and various books about winning bad boys, but no Voldemort. Giving up, she approached a sales clerk to gather more information. "Hey, have you seen--"

"Oh, you must be here to take the place of your friend," interrupted the sales lady. "I don't know why he ran off so fast, but at least you're here now. I'll just write you up a check."

"What the heck are you...ooh, money? All righty then."

"Can I get your name?"

"Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Oh, not this again! Just tell me your real name!"

"Weren't you listening? It's Bellatrix--"

"No! Your real name!"

"It's Bella--"

"Please just stop with this!"

"You idiot! I'm telling you--"

"I'm not asking again--"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The sales lady fell over. People were staring.

"Oh crap," said Bellatrix. She tossed a Galleon to each of the staring people. "You guys didn't see anything."

Suddenly, it hit her-- the cashier must have seen her beloved Voldypoo if he left! So she ran to the checkout counter and held up the picture anxiously.

"Have you seen this sexy man?"

"Yes," said the cashier. "He tried to steal a basket full of merchandise a while ago. The police came and took him to jail. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hurry to the electronics section. Some crazy lady just killed one of our staff!"

Bellatrix shook her head. "What's wrong with people these days?" Then she turned on the spot and disappeared.

Voldemort and Wormtail were sitting on their bunk bed in a Muggle jail cell. Voldemort had claimed the top bunk as soon as they got there, and threatened Wormtail with death if he tried to take it.

"I spy with my evil eye," said Voldemort, "something grey."

"Is it the wall again, Master?"

"Blast! OK, I spy with my evil eye, something made of stone."

"Wall?"

"Blast!"

Suddenly Bellatrix appeared outside the cell. "Voldypoo!" she said happily. "I looked all over Wal-Mart for you. I even killed some sales lady."

"Did she argue with you about your name?" asked Voldemort.

"Yeah, she did."

"Dang it, Bella, she was gonna give me money!"

"My bad. So did you get my eyeliner?"

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You don't want the male Death Eaters to get the wrong idea. They're not as innocent as you might think. You know, there's only one thing on their minds!"

"You mean killing Harry Potter?"

"OK...two things."

"Master?" said Wormtail. "Shouldn't we get out of here?"

"Shut up, Wormtail!" snapped Bellatrix. "You were saying, Voldypoo?" she continued in an affectionate tone.

"He's right," said Voldemort. "Get us out of here.... And stop calling me Voldypoo!"

"Whatever you say, you steamy hunk of man candy!"

"Oh, yeah, like that's much better...."

"Bombarda!" she said, and the door flew open.

As they were leaving, Voldemort turned to the hulking figure in the cell next to the one they had just vacated and said menacingly, "Who's your mama now?"