The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time...

Nightwing: If I'm correct in thinking, the only one of you who hasn't read yet is Peter, so, if you don't mind....

Peter: *takes the book*

Severus: Are you sure this isn't too complicated for him? Shouldn't we get him the pop-up version?

James: Snivellus, if you didn't need it when you were reading, Wormtail doesn't need it, either. Go ahead, Wormy.

Peter: *glares at Severus* Chapter Nine, The Midnight Duel...

Lily: I don't really like the sound of that!

James: Please. We already know he has natural dueling ability-- he defeated the Dark Lord when he was a baby!

Peter: Harry had never believed he would meet a boy he hated more than Dudley,

Sirius: Dudley's not that bad. Yeah, he's a spoiled brat, but there are worse people in the world. *glares pointedly at the Slytherins*

Bellatrix: Worse people in the world than a Muggle? Bite your tongue, blood traitor!

Peter: but that was before he met Draco Malfoy.

Sirius: See?

Narcissa: If anyone but a Gryffindor were to say something like that, I'd be offended.

Lucius: Yes, but it means that Draco has his priorities in order, doing things to cause Potter to hate him.

Narcissa: *sighs happily* I love my son.

Sirius: Freaks.

Peter: Still, first-year Gryffindors only had Potions with the Slytherins,

Sirius: Thank heavens for small mercies!

Remus: They still have to put up with them when they're cornered in the hallways and being jinxed within an inch of their lives.

Severus: *sourly* One of your lot has no right to be complaining about being cornered in a corridor and jinxed.

Peter: so they didn't have to put up with Malfoy much.

Lucius: And Draco doesn't have to put up with those imbecilic Gryffindors much. Everyone wins.

Peter: Or at least, they didn't until they spotted a notice pinned up

Sirius: The first years get pin-ups on the notice board in twenty years? No fair!

Remus: It's a notice, Sirius, just a regular piece of paper with words on it to spell out new procedures and things.

Sirius: I know what a notice is! I was just hoping it was a pin-up....

Nightwing: Do you need a cold shower?

Peter: in the Gryffindor common room that made them all groan.

Sirius: In ecstasy?

James: In disgust, more than likely.

Peter: Flying lessons would be starting on Thursday--

James: ... I stand corrected. It is ecstasy!

Lily: *rolls her eyes* Do you ever think of anything besides flying and Quidditch?

James: ... you?

Lily: *rolls her eyes again*

Peter: and Gryffindor and Slytherin would be learning together.

Remus: Why do they still do that after twenty years? Has no one noticed that trying to teach those two Houses anything together only ends in violence?

Bellatrix: I'm not complaining! It's the one thing I approve of in this school-- the staff handing us a chance to attack Gryffindors on a silver platter!

Remus: I rest my case.

Peter: "Typical," said Harry darkly. "Just what I always wanted.

James: Yes, Harry, flying is what you've always wanted! Just wait until you're up in the air!

Peter: To make a fool of myself on a broomstick in front of Malfoy."

Lucius: When compared to me, anyone looks a fool on a broomstick.

Narcissa: And our son will be just the same as his father! *looks up adoringly at Lucius*

James: You wish. Harry will wipe the floor with your brat's scrawny little arse once he mounts his broom!

Lucius: Potter, he's been raised by Muggles! He won't even know how to mount a broom. Meanwhile, Draco will have been raised on one, and taught by the finest Seeker Slytherin's team has ever seen!

James: Ten Galleons says Harry's the better flier.

Lucius: All right, then. I hope you're not too disappointed when you lose.

Nightwing: Oh, listen to them! Talking about their sons' flying abilities as if they've been born already! Aren't they cute?

Peter: He had been looking forward to learning to fly more than anything else.

Sirius: As well you should! Flying is amazing. *as an afterthought* If Madame Hooch is who I think she is, she's a nice sight, too.

Peter: "You don't know that you'll make a fool of yourself," said Ron reasonably.

Bellatrix: Of course he will! How could anyone raised by Muggles know how to fly?

Severus: You were raised by wizards, and you crashed headfirst into the ground the moment your broom rose into the air.

Bellatrix: *glares at him* Shut it.

Peter: "Anyway, I know Malfoy's always going on about how good he is at Quidditch,

Lucius: *tosses his hair, smirking* Naturally.

James: Yeah, trust a Malfoy to be a swaggering little prick.

Peter: but I bet that's all talk."

Sirius: I agree.

Narcissa: Of course he's not! Lucius will have taught him everything he knows!

Peter: Malfoy certainly did talk about flying a lot.

Lucius: Because he knows he's bound to be the best in the year with such impeccable training.

Peter: He complained loudly about first years never getting on the house Quidditch teams

James: All right, as much as I hate agreeing with a Malfoy, I'm going to admit, that is a crime. Someone has to do something about that rule!

Peter: and told long, boastful stories

Sirius: Of course they're boastful, he's Malfoy's son.

Peter: that always seemed to end with him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters.

Lily: How does he even know what a helicopter is, if he's been raised by wizards?

Bellatrix: Ignorant Mudblood! We need to know of some Muggle things, or we'd have been extinct long ago! How's anyone to avoid a great hassle with the Ministry if they don't know what helicopters are or how to avoid them?

James: Yeah, no one wants to have to track down the pilots and any passengers to modify their memories.

Peter: He wasn't the only one, though:

Remus: No surprise there. All the first years who have ever been on a broomstick get excited to learn how to fly properly.

Peter: the way Seamus Finnigan

Sirius: Our little Irish friend!

Remus: Yes, he's Irish, you don't have to keep pointing it out every time he's mentioned!

Sirius: I'm sorry, it's not my fault the kid has the greatest, most stereotypically Irish name ever.

Peter: told it, he'd spent most of his childhood zooming around the countryside on his broomstick.

Lily: Oh, I hope he didn't live near any Muggles! That could have been dangerous!

Peter: Even Ron would tell anyone who'd listen about the time he'd almost hit a hang glider on Charlie's old broom.

Lucius: There are two things wrong with that sentence. One, a Weasley has no right to be boasting about anything. Two, what in the world is a hang glider?

Nightwing: It's like a kite, but it's huge and it has this thing attatched so that a person can lay in it. Basically, it's like the wings of Icarus and Daedalus, except for the melting in the sun and killing you part.

Narcissa: Good to know.

Sirius: Are any of your readers actually going to understand that reference?

Nightwing: I hope so, it's a pretty famous story. If not, off to Wikipedia with you, o uneducated one!

Peter: Everyone from wizarding families talked about Quidditch constantly.

Remus: Surely not everyone.

James: Of course everyone, Moony! How can you not love Quidditch?

Peter: Ron had already had a big argument with Dean Thomas,

Lily: Can't we all just get along?

Bellatrix: No.

Peter: who shared their dormitory, about soccer.

Severus: What's soccer?

Nightwing: It's what Americans call football.

James: So what's football?

Nightwing: I'd explain it to you, but I don't get it myself. My sister could explain it to you, but I'm not bringing her in because she smells funny and she looks weird. Anyway, all you need to know is in the next sentence, really.

Peter: Ron couldn't see what was exciting about a game with only one ball where no one was allowed to fly.

Sirius: That does sound incredibly boring!

Nightwing: It is incredibly boring.

Peter: Harry had caught Ron prodding Dean's poster of West Ham soccer team, trying to make the players move.

Bellatrix: I don't blame him for trying to turn Mudblood's possessions more Wizardly, but do the words "lost cause" mean anything to him?

Narcissa: He's a Weasley-- of course not!

Peter: Neville had never been on a broomstick in his life,

Lucius: And he calls himself a pureblood?

Severus: Haven't you seen what a disaster the boy is on the ground? Letting him on a broomstick is asking for him to commit suicide.

Peter: because his grandmother had never let him near one.

Lily: From what I've seen of Neville, I can't really say I blame her.

Peter: Privately, Harry felt she'd had good reason,

All: *nod in agreement*

Peter: because Neville managed to have an extraordinary number of accidents even with both feet on the ground.

Severus: Honestly, how do you manage to melt your cauldron during the first lesson?

Peter: Hermione Granger was almost as nervous about flying as Neville was.

Bellatrix: Awww, is the poor wittle Mudblood scared she won't be good at something for once?

James: It would be good for her if she wasn't!

Peter: This was something you couldn't learn by heart out of a book--

Sirius: Much to Moony's dismay.

Remus: *scowls*

Peter: not that she hadn't tried.

James: If that surprises anybody, raise your hand.

All: *keep their hands firmly down*

Peter: At breakfast on Thursday she bored them all stupid

Lucius: I wouldn't blame the Mudblood for the Gryffindors' collective lack of intelligence. It's one of the things that makes Slytherins so much better.

Peter: with flying tips she'd gotten out of a library book called Quidditch Through the Ages.

James: That's the best book in the world!

Sirius: But if you're reading it for flying tips instead of details on all the games and teams, it's not that great.

James: Good point. But I still love it.

Peter: Neville was hanging on to her every word,

Narcissa: Give it up, idiot, nothing is going to help you!

Peter: desperate for anything that might help him hang on to his broomstick later,

Bellatrix: As I said, it's a lost cause. Your parents were Hufflepuffs, you can't possibly be good at anything-- especially when the only thing that you're trying to use is words some Mudblood read to you from a book!

Peter: but everybody else was very pleased when Hermione's lecture was interrupted by

James: A chicken!

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin.... *shudders*

Remus: You three. Are all. Idiots.

Peter: the arrival of the mail.

Severus: Thank heaven for small mercies!

Peter: Harry hadn't had a single letter since Hagrid's note,

Remus: That's it. I'm writing to him, even if it is just to say "Hi, I was a friend of your father's." This is ridiculous!

James: Really, where are you three?

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *shrug*

Peter: something that Malfoy had been quick to notice, of course.

Lucius: Of course! Why shouldn't my son notice a Gryffindor's pain?

Peter: Malfoy's eagle owl

Lucius: Interesting. I have an eagle owl. Like father, like son, I suppose.

Sirius: Unless it's a hand-me-down.

Lucius: Shut your mouth, Black, my son would never be given hand-me-downs like an inferior! What do you think he is, a Weasley?

Peter: was always bringing him packages of sweets from home,

Narcissa: Just a little note from Mummy and Daddy to say we love him and we miss him!

Sirius and James: *gag violently*

Peter: which he opened gloatingly at the Slytherin table.

Severus: Because we were all so worried that he'd transferred to Hufflepuff.

Narcissa: Don't even joke, Severus!

Peter: A barn owl

Nightwing: Ooh, was it a white barn owl?

Sirius: No, Nightwing, it wasn't Jareth. Stop with the damn Labyrinth!

Nightwing: You don't understand what the Goblin King does to girls. He takes over our minds with the power of David Bowie's sexiness and really, really tight pants!

Sirius: ... right. Just read, Wormtail.

Peter: brought Neville a small package from his grandmother.

Lucius: Something to keep him from being such a danger to himself, and, more importantly, to others, I hope.

Narcissa: *nods in agreement* For my son's sake!

Peter: He opened it excitedly and showed them a glass ball the size of a large marble,

Bellatrix: So much for any hope of it being useful. Really, a Remembrall? They don't even tell you what you forgot!

Peter: which seemed to be full of white smoke.

Sirius: That's a Remembrall, all right. They sound good in theory, but in practice, they're damn near useless.

Peter: "It's a Remembrall!" he explained.

James: Looks like we were right!

Peter: "Gran knows I forget things--

Severus: People in Finland know you forget things. The woman who raised you surely will!

Nightwing: You know, considering how widely the Harry Potter fandom has spread, that might not be so much of an exaggeration.

Peter: this tells you if there's something you've forgotten to do.

Narcissa: But nothing else, which makes it absolutely purposeless!

James: Well, they are about the same size as a Snitch....

Lily: For God's sake, Potter, there's more to life than Quidditch!

Peter: Look, you hold it tight like this and if it turns red--

Bellatrix: They need other colors. Like green.

Severus: Are you implying that we would sink to forgetting anything?

Bellatrix: Fair point, fair point.

Peter: oh...." His face fell, because the Remembrall had suddenly glowed scarlet,

Lucius: Hardly a surprise, knowing the Longbottom family.

Peter: "You've forgotten something...."

Bellatrix: The trouble is, whatever could it be, wittle baby Longbottom?

Remus: What is he forgetting? Nightwing?

Nightwing: Hell if I know. JKR didn't mention it in the book, so I guess it's not very important.

Peter: Neville was trying to remember what he'd forgotten

Lucius: Good luck with that.

Peter: when Draco Malfoy,

Narcissa: *squeals*

Peter: who was passing the Gryffindor table,

Lucius: Be careful, son, I would hate for you to pick up even a speck of their subordinate status.

Peter: snatched the Remembrall out of his hand.

James: Give it back, you slimy little prat!

Peter: Harry and Ron jumped to their feet.

Lily: Honestly, he's just like his excuse for a father. Just because a Slytherin walks by doesn't mean you have to fight him!

Sirius: Well, somebody's got to stick up for Neville, don't they?

Peter: They were half hoping for a reason to fight Malfoy,

Lily: *slaps James* Why does he have to have your genes? Why?

James: *holding his face in pain* I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Sirius: Ha ha, someone's whipped.

James: *glares at Sirius*

Peter: but Professor McGonagall,

Remus: Oh, dear. This can't be good.

Peter: who could spot trouble quicker than any teacher in the school,

Sirius: Dead annoying, that, isn't it?

Peter: was there in a flash.

Remus: That's not a real unit of time. Try a jiffy.

Sirius: Is that a real unit of time?

Remus: Yes. It's one hundredth of a second.

Peter: "What's going on?"

Severus: *in a nasaly voice, mocking Harry* Malfoy's breathing my air, Professor!

Lucius: *in a Scottish brogue, mocking McGonagall* How dare he! Get away from my precious little Gryffindors! All points from Slytherin for your appalling audacity! Has anyone been poisoned from the contact with other Houses? Here, let me pull you up to another cloud, so that doesn't happen again!

Sirius: Aren't you going to turn them into donkeys?

Nightwing: Nope. I agree with them, actually. Everyone needs to stop treating Gryffindors like they're gods. It's really annoying.

Peter: "Malfoy's got my Remembrall, Professor."

Bellatrix: So like a Longbottom to be able to defend himself only when there's a teacher around.

Peter: Scowling, Malfoy quickly dropped the Remembrall back on the table.

Lucius: Come on, stick up for yourself. Don't let a Gryffindor kick you around!

Narcissa: To be fair, darling, we don't want him expelled in his first year.

Lucius: True, true.

Peter: "Just looking," he said,

Lucius: Cissa, remind me to instruct our son in proper ways to lie to a teacher about his misdeeds.

Peter: and he sloped away with Crabbe and Goyle behind him.

Narcissa: It seems that this crop of Crabbe and Goyle knows their place well. Behind the Malfoys and the Blacks-- as well as what came of the glorious union between the two families!

Peter: At three-thirty that afternoon,

James: Yes! Time to fly!

Sirius: This is the best class at this school, no question.

Peter: Harry, Ron, and the other Gryffindors

Nightwing: Seamus the Irish Kid, Dean, Neville, Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, and the other two nameless girls who JKR say exist but are never actually shown, if we want to be specific.

Peter: hurried down the front steps onto the grounds for their first flying lesson.

James and Sirius: *drool*

Peter: It was a clear, breezy day,

James: Perfect flying conditions! Excellent!

Sirius: *nods happily* Never mind that the breeze could potentially knock somebody slightly off-course. Nothing a good, sharp turn at a perfect 42-degree angle can't solve.

Peter: and the grass rippled under their feet as they marched down the sloping lawns toward a smooth, flat lawn

Lucius: Good Lord, I think I'm about to overdose on description. It's grass, we don't need a whole novel on it!

Peter: on the opposite side of the grounds to the Forbidden Forest,

Remus: Which very few people in this room actually care is forbidden.

Peter: whose trees were swaying darkly in the distance.

Severus: How does anything sway darkly?

Peter: The Slytherins were already there,

Bellatrix: Because our kind has such impeccable timing!

Peter: and so were twenty broomsticks lying in neat lines on the ground.

Remus: I wonder if it's a coincidence that each House has ten first years, five boys and five girls, or if they're really that selective about letting students in.

Bellatrix: If they were really selective, we wouldn't have so many Mudbloods running around!

Peter: Harry had heard Fred and George Weasley complain about the school brooms,

James: They really aren't the best-quality brooms around, but then, not much school-supplied equipment is in the best condition.

Sirius: One of the first years told me that she got a Potions book that somebody wrote fake instructions in, trying to mess anyone who got it after him up.

James: What an asshole.

Severus: *glowers at both of them*

Peter: saying that some of them started to vibrate if you flew too high,

Sirius: Oi, people will pay good money for a portable vibrator like that.

Remus: You would know, Padfoot.

Peter: or always flew slightly to the left.

James: That's not that annoying if you always lean slightly to your right. It balances things out.

Peter: Their teacher, Madam Hooch, arrived.

Sirius: Knowing what she looks like now, she's got to be the best thing about Flying besides actually being up in the air. *grins*

Peter: She had short, gray hair,

Sirius: You mean she cut off all that gorgeous red hair and it turns gray? I hate the future!

Peter: and yellow eyes like a hawk.

Sirius: I've always loved those golden eyes.

Remus: So, even after he's slept with half the student population from fifth year up, we've finally found out where Sirius's heart truly lies. Deianeira Hooch.

Peter: "Well, what are you all waiting for?" she barked.

Sirius: Never one to mince words around, was she?

Peter: "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."

Remus: What do you see in her? She's so curt and brusque when she talks!

Peter: Harry glanced down at his broom.

James: Take a good long look, lad, this is a historic moment!

Peter: It was old and some of the twigs stuck out at odd angles.

James: Sure, it's just a stand-by until you can get that Nimbus 2000, but it's the first broom you'll ever hold!

Peter: "Stick out your right hand over your broom,"

James and Sirius: *obediently stick out their right hands*

Remus, Peter, Lily, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *roll their eyes*

Peter: called Madam Hooch at the front, "and say 'Up!'"

James and Sirius: Up!

Bellatrix: There are no brooms around here, you idiots!

Peter: "UP!" everyone shouted.

Sirius: Obedient little things, aren't they?

James: Yeah, but the brooms never obey everybody.

Peter: Harry's broom jumped into his hand at once,

James: That's my boy!

Lily: *groans* I have a bad feeling about this....

James: How is knowing that Harry's going to be a Quidditch star just like his daddy a bad thing?

Lily: I think you answered the question yourself when you said "just like his daddy." *shudders*

Peter: but it was one of the few that did.

Sirius: Because he's special like that.

Peter: Hermione Granger's had simply rolled over on the ground,

Lucius: Hardly a surprise. It would be more of a revalation if it did anything-- who ever heard of a Mudblood with natural flying ability?

Peter: and Neville's hadn't moved at all.

Bellatrix: Serves him right, the filthy little Squib brat!

Remus: He's not a Squib.

Bellatrix: He might as well be, by the look of his magical prowess!

Peter: Perhaps brooms, like horses, could tell when you were afraid,

Remus: Horses can tell when you're afraid?

Lucius: Of course they can! Have you never ridden an Aethonan horse? They won't even take off if you're frightened.

Peter: thought Harry; there was a quaver in Neville's voice that said only too clearly that he wanted to keep his feet on the ground.

Bellatrix: Poor wittle fing! How could anyone not feel bad for him? *dropping her baby voice* Oh, wait-- I don't!

Peter: Madam Hooch then showed them how to mount their brooms without sliding off the end,

Sirius: Well, that certainly sounded a bit dodgy.

Remus, James, Peter, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: UGH! SIRIUS!

Lily, Severus, and Lucius: *at the same time* UGH! BLACK!

Peter: and walked up and down the rows correcting their grips.

James: Mine was perfect on the first try, of course.

Sirius: My pinky was about an inch too far down, but other than that, I was good, too.

Peter: Harry and Ron were delighted when

Sirius: The evil muffin queen dropped from the roof, mortally wounded.

Peter: she told Malfoy he'd been doing it wrong for years.

Lucius: EXCUSE ME?!

James: Ha! Not so high and mighty now, are you, Malfoy?

Narcissa: Impossible! You can't have taught our son wrong!

Nightwing: You two, stop overreacting. It's really not important. Peter, read.

Peter: "Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard," said Madam Hooch.

Sirius: The words "blow" and "hard" should never be used in the same sentence. Ever. Especially when they're spoken by a really hot girl.

Remus: Will you please stop making everything perverted?

Peter: "Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet,

James: I went up about fifty feet and dove back down without a scratch. It was great. *grins and ruffles his hair*

Remus: You got detention for that, though, didn't you?

James: So? Mere detention can't keep the great James Potter on the ground!

Peter: and then come straight back down by leaning forward slightly.

Bellatrix: Lean forward too much and you end up flipping head over heels and crashing into the ground. *winces at the memory*

Narcissa: *snickers*

Peter: On my whistle--three--two--"

Sirius and James: One! Lift off!

Peter: But Neville, nervous and jumpy

Remus: *winces* Never a good combination in Flying class.

Peter: and frightened of being left on the ground,

Bellatrix: Oh, I have a feeling you won't be. *snickers evilly*

Peter: pushed off hard before the whistle had touched Madam Hooch's lips.

Lily: *gasps and claps her hands to her mouth*

Bellatrix: *smirks*

James: Uh-oh, that's not good.

Peter: "Come back, boy!" she shouted,

Sirius: It's a lost cause-- I've got a bad feeling about his ability to control his broom.

Peter: but Neville was rising straight up like a cork shot out of a bottle--

James: And somehow, I doubt it was quite as graceful as when I did it.

Peter: twelve feet--

Lily: *squeaks in terror* Poor Neville!

Peter: twenty feet.

James: I did fifty!

Lily: POTTER, THIS IS NO TIME FOR BRAGGING! NEVILLE COULD BE KILLED!

James: *shrinks away before she can slap him* Yes, Lily.

Peter: Harry saw his scared white face look down at the ground falling away,

Remus: That's probably the worst thing you can possibly do when you lose control of a broomstick.

Peter: saw him gasp, slip sideways off the broom

Lily: *screams*

Bellatrix: *throws back her head and cackles* Serves you right, pathetic disgrace to the name of pureblood!

Peter: and--WHAM--

Lily: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ....

Peter: a thud and a nasty crack and Neville lay facedown on the grass in a heap.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *wince*

Bellatrix: *cackles harder*

Severus, Lucius and Narcissa: *smirk*

Lily: *bursts into tears*

Narcissa: And this isn't even your son!

Lily: *through tears* He's a friend of my son's, and I'm good friends with his mother! This is horrible!

Peter: His broomstick was still rising higher and higher,

Lily: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BROOMSTICK! TELL ME ABOUT MY SON'S FRIEND!

Peter: and started to drift lazily toward the Forbidden Forest and out of sight.

Lily: *starts hyperventilating* I-- don't-- care. What--happens--to--Neville!

Peter: Madam Hooch was bending over Neville, her face as white as his.

Lucius: Yes, I understand that people do that when a student dies in class.

Lily: *wails*

Lucius: *holds his eardrums in pain*

Peter: "Broken wrist," Harry heard her mutter.

Sirius, Remus, James, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: What?

Bellatrix: *looks rather put out*

Lily: *gasps in relief, clutching her heart*

James: Okay, as glad as I am to hear that he's all right, you don't fall twenty feet and only break your wrist.

Sirius: Yeah, that should have been his neck!

Bellatrix: *sulks* I wish it had been.

Peter: "Come on, boy--it's all right, up you get."

Severus: Assuming he can still walk. I notice she didn't bother to check the rest of him once noting that his wrist was broken.

Peter: She turned to the rest of the class.

Lily: Why? None of them are hurt!

Severus: They still need discipline.

Peter: "None of you is to move while I take this boy to the hospital wing!

James: No one except Harry, of course. That way he can advance the plot.

Peter: You leave those brooms where they are

Sirius: You'd leave the poor things with such a horrible temptation and not let them touch them? That's so unbearably cruel!

Peter: or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'Quidditch.'

Sirius and James: *gasp happily* Quidditch!

Remus: *grins* That's it, you two are out of Hogwarts.

James: *whines* But that's where the Quidditch is!

Peter: Come on, dear." Neville, his face tear-streaked,

Lily: I can hardly say I blame him! The poor thing! Even if he is incredibly lucky to be alive after that, broken wrists hurt a lot, and the trauma from a near-death experience like that has to be dreadful!

Nightwing: You're overreacting again, Lily. Calm down.

Peter: clutching his wrist, hobbled off with Madam Hooch,

Severus: I knew something else was broken. Does she not notice the limp?

Peter: who had her arm around him.

Sirius: Ooh, illicit student-teacher relationship! *pause* No fair! I want to be the one to snog her senseless!

Peter: No sooner were they out of earshot than Malfoy burst into laughter.

Lucius: *smirks* It's good to see my son knows to mock those stupid enough to screw up that badly and to make sure that the teachers can't catch him at it.

Lily: *glares*

Peter: "Did you see his face, the great lump?"

Bellatrix: Oh, how I wish I could have! I'm sure it was absolutely priceless!

Peter: The other Slytherins joined in.

Sirius: Because that's what they do. Once they have a leader, they follow him like its their purpose in life.

Severus: We do not, first of all, and second of all, your little gang does exactly the same thing.

Peter: "Shut up, Malfoy,"

James: The three little words everyone loves to hear!

Sirius: Second best in the world, next to "Shut up, Snape."

Peter: snapped Parvati Patil. "Ooh, sticking up for Longbottom?"

Lily: Well, someone has to, as it seems Neville doesn't stick up for himself much!

Peter: said Pansy Parkinson,

Bellatrix: I still can't believe Xanthus named his kid Pansy.

Peter: a hard-faced Slytherin girl.

Sirius: That's the nice way of saying she's ugly as sin. Just like all Slytherins!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *glare*

Nightwing: I beg profusely to differ. *beams at Lucius and his pretty, shiny hair*

Peter: "Never thought you'd like fat little crybabies, Parvati."

Remus: She doesn't have to like him to stick up for him. It just means she's a decent person.

Peter: "Look!" said Malfoy, darting forward and snatching something out of the grass.

Sirius: Is it a muffin? Eat it, Malfoy Jr., eat it! Rid the world of the evil!

Peter: "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's gran sent him."

Lucius: Why exactly is my son referring to a person the same way a Longbottom does? The word is "grandmother," Draco! Can't this boy speak as his status demands?

James: And that "stupid thing" is called a Remembrall.

Peter: The Remembrall glittered in the sun as he held it up.

Severus: Yes, that's what tends to happen when glass is exposed to sunlight.

Peter: "Give that here, Malfoy," said Harry quietly.

James: You tell him, Harry!

Lucius: *glares*

Peter: Everyone stopped talking to watch.

Sirius: *chants* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Peter: Malfoy smiled nastily.

James: That's how all Malfoys smile, really. And it can't really be called a smile-- it's more of a smirk.

Peter: "I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find--

Lucius: *smirks* I love the way my son thinks.

Lily: That is so mean!

Lucius: So?

Peter: how about--up a tree?"

Lucius: *smirk turns into a fullblown grin* Given Longbottom's competence at flying, that shouldn't take long to get down at all. Only about seven years.

Peter: "Give it here!" Harry yelled,

Narcissa: Not a chance! Draco knows his place, far above Longbottom, and he's going to exercise that superiority!

Peter: but Malfoy had leapt onto his broomstick and taken off.

James: Go after him, Harry! You're bound to have my natural flying ability!

Peter: He hadn't been lying, he could fly well.

Lucius: Of course he can. I taught him. *smirks and tosses his hair*

Peter: Hovering level with the topmost branches of an oak

Bellatrix: Where are there oaks on the ground?

Severus: I suppose they're planted within the next twenty or so years.

Peter: he called, "Come and get it, Potter!"

James: Yes, show up that snotty little git!

Peter: Harry grabbed his broom.

James: Ha, your son's in for it now, Malfoy, Harry's on his way up!

Lucius: Don't flatter yourself, Potter. Your son has no training-- he can't possibly be as good as mine!

Peter: "No!" shouted Hermione Granger.

All: *groan*

Severus: Shut up, will you?

Peter: "Madam Hooch told us not to move--

James: Did Malfoy care? Somebody's got to take that twit down a peg or ten!

Peter: you'll get us all into trouble."

Sirius: Well, no one's making her get into the air, are they? How will they get in trouble if he takes off?

Remus: I suppose they'll all be losing points.

Peter: Harry ignored her.

Sirius: Good job, Harry!

Peter: Blood was pounding in his ears.

Bellatrix: Exhilaration. I find that happens to me when I'm watching someone writhing on the ground under a Cruciatus Curse. *smirks*

All except Bellatrix: *edge away from Bellatrix*

Peter: He mounted the broom and kicked hard against the ground and up, up he soared;

James: Ha! Yes! My son's in the air, flying! Everyone take note, this is an amazing moment in the history of Harry Potter!

Lily: You like flying entirely too much, you know that?

Peter: air rushed through his hair,

Sirius: Best feeling in the world. *sighs wistfully*

Peter: and his robes whipped out behind him--

Sirius: Giving everyone below a lovely view of what was-- or, more accurately, wasn't underneath.

Remus: Stop it, Sirius. Just stop it.

Peter: and in a rush of fierce joy

Lily: Oh, no.... Flying is bringing my son joy.... God, Potter, why did you of all people have to father my son?!

James: *totally zoned out, lost on the joy of his son being a good flier*

Peter: he realized he'd found something he could do without being taught--

Lucius: How dare this boy undermine everything I've taught my son?

Sirius: He's a Gryffindor. It's our job to make Slytherins look bad.

Peter: this was easy, this was wonderful.

Sirius and James: Hear, hear!

Lily: *groans* Please, dear God, let Harry not be as much of an egotistical twit as his father just because he can fly....

Peter: He pulled his broomstick up a little to take it even higher,

Severus: How daring of him.

Peter: and heard screams and gasps of girls back on the ground

Narcissa: How can they tell it's only girls? It's not easy to tell the voices of the two genders apart at the age of eleven.

All except Narcissa: *shrug*

Peter: and an admiring whoop from Ron.

Sirius: I smell a man-crush.

Bellatrix: Jealousy and admiration are the two biggest character traits of the Weasleys, and let's face it-- who can blame them when everyone in the Wizarding world is superior to them?

Peter: He turned his broomstick sharply to face Malfoy in midair.

James: Take his sorry Slytherin arse down, Harry!

Peter: Malfoy looked stunned.

Lucius: Draco, you twit, don't allow yourself to be caught in a moment of weakness by a Gryffindor! Let alone a Potter!

James and Lucius: *glare furiously at each other*

All except James and Lucius: *edge away to give the two daddies room to kill each other if they try to*

Peter: "Give it here," Harry called, "or I'll knock you off that broom!"

Narcissa: He wouldn't dare harm my son!

Lily: You know, I don't think he will. Knocking Draco off his broom from that height would lose Harry a lot more than a few points. He could end up in Azkaban for that, and I know he doesn't want to get in that much trouble!

Bellatrix: Trust a Gryffindor to make empty threats for fear of something as trivial as arrest!

Peter: "Oh, yeah?" said Malfoy, trying to sneer, but looking worried.

Narcissa: Lucius, please tell me that our son wasn't really so thick as to believe that rubbish.

Lucius: I would reply, but I'm rather busy being stunned at our son's idiocy myself. *blinks*

Peter: Harry knew, somehow, what to do.

James: *crows happily* That would be my genes kicking in!

Peter: He leaned forward and grasped the broom tightly in both hands,

James: Well! Maybe he isn't too scared to hurt Draco! Well done, Harry!

Lily: POTTER, THAT IS NOT FUNNY!

Peter: and it shot toward Malfoy like a javelin.

Narcissa: What's a javelin, and why is that broom like one?

Nightwing: It's a sharp pointy thing that Muggles use to compare their skill at throwing them.

Narcissa: *gasps in horror*

Peter: Malfoy only just got out of the way in time;

Narcissa: Thank God!

Lucius: *puts a comforting hand on her shoulder, still glowering determinedly at the book*

Peter: Harry made a sharp about-face

Remus: Isn't that rather difficult to do?

James: For a first-time flyer, yes! My son is a flying prodigy!

Peter: and held the broom steady.

Narcissa: If he's holding it still so he can aim to attack my son again--!

Peter: A few people below were clapping.

Sirius: I don't blame them! *claps as well*

Remus: *grabs one of his wrists* No. No, you won't.

Peter: "No Crabbe and Goyle up here to save your neck, Malfoy," Harry called.

Lucius: And what makes you think he needs saving? My son should be well capable of defending himself!

Nightwing: Hate to break it to you, Lucy-poo--

Lucius: *glares* Don't call me that.

Nightwing: *ignores him* --but Draco's kind of a pansy.

Narcissa: *sarcastically* Marvelous.

Peter: The same thought seemed to have struck Malfoy.

Bellatrix: And that's why you need to teach your son to duel properly before he gets to Hogwarts.

Lucius: Believe me, I intend to.

Peter: "Catch it if you can, then!" he shouted,

Narcissa: Why does he say such unbelievably juvenile things?

Remus: Well, he is only eleven.

Peter: and he threw the glass ball high into the air and streaked back toward the ground.

Bellatrix: Ten Galleons says he crashes.

Lucius: Bite your tongue! Even the book says that he flies well-- what makes you think he would do something so stupid as to crash?

Peter: Harry saw, as though in slow motion, the ball rise up in the air and then start to fall.

Severus: That's what happens when something is thrown into the air! Why does it bother to say it?

Peter: He leaned forward and pointed his broom handle down--

Lily: POTTER, IF MY SON IS INJURED FROM THIS DIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! He's got his father's stupid arrogance.... *groans*

Peter: next second he was gathering speed in a steep dive,

James: Come on, Harry, you can do this! You have my genes and my flying ability! You can't go wrong!

Peter: racing the ball--wind whistled in his ears,

Sirius: I love that sound so much.... *sighs wistfully*

Peter: mingled with the screams of people watching--

Lily: Not to mention his mother!

Peter: he stretched out his hand--

James: Just like a Seeker would! Even if he's not totally following in my footsteps, I like where this is going!

Remus: Prongs, he's just a first year. He can't be on the Quidditch team.

James: Quiet, Moony, I'm enjoying the moment!

Peter: a foot from the ground he caught it,

James: YES! My son is amazing! He'd be a brilliant Seeker!

Sirius: He'll have plenty to look forward to next year!

Peter: just in time to pull his broom straight,

Lily: Oh, good, he didn't hurt himself. Yay!

Bellatrix: Ugh, Gryffindors at peace. It's a disgusting sight.

Peter: and he toppled gently onto the grass with the Remembrall clutched safely in his fist.

Sirius: One hundred fifty points! Gryffindor wins!

Severus: This isn't a Quidditch match, you idiot!

James: But I do believe that Harry's proven the better flier. Pay up, Malfoy!

Lucius: *glares and fishes ten Galleons out of his pocket, handing them off to James*

James: *counts his money gleefully*

Sirius: A Slytherin honoring a promise without a bit of trickery. I never thought I'd live to see the day....

Peter: "HARRY POTTER!"

James: Oh, damn....

Lily: He can't be in trouble! Oh, I knew this would happen! Potter, this is all your fault for causing so much trouble and passing it on to our son!

Peter: His heart sank faster than he'd just dived.

Remus: And that's really saying something!

Peter: Professor McGonagall was running toward them.

Sirius: Of all the teachers to catch him, why her?!

Remus: Better than if Snape caught him.

Sirius: True.

Severus: He's breaking a school rule, and Hooch promised expulsion. Why should I not give it?

Peter: He got to his feet, trembling.

James: I don't blame him!

Peter: "Never--in all my time at Hogwarts--"

Remus: You know, as many times as I've heard that, it still never ceases to frighten me.

Peter: Professor McGonagall was almost speechless with shock,

Sirius: Damn, she must be furious. Even we've never managed to shock her out of speaking!

Peter: and her glasses flashed furiously,

Bellatrix: Is that even possible?

Severus: Apparently.

Peter: "-- how dare you--might have broken your neck--"

James: But he didn't, because he can fly as well as I can!

Peter: "It wasn't his fault, Professor--"

Sirius: No, it was that little Malfoy twit.

Peter: "Be quiet, Miss Patil."

Remus: Well, that was rather rude. Why won't she let anyone tell what really happened?

Peter: "But Malfoy--"

Lucius: Will certainly be left out of this, thank you very much. I'm more than happy to let Potter's son take all the blame!

Peter: "That's enough, Mr. Weasley.

Nightwing: Hey, hey, Ron gets silenced enough in the movies. Let him talk!

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Peter: Potter, follow me, now."

Lily: *squeaks in terror* Oh, no, he's going to be expelled....

Peter: Harry caught sight of Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle's triumphant faces as he left,

Sirius and James: Those little prats.

Lucius: *smirks proudly*

Peter: walking numbly in Professor McGonagall's wake as she strode toward the castle.

Sirius: Keep up, or she'll be really angry, and then you'll never hear the end of it!

Peter: He was going to be expelled, he just knew it.

Lily: *wails* He can't be! He was only helping Neville!

Peter: He wanted to say something to defend himself,

James: Do it! This is totally unfair!

Peter: but there seemed to be something wrong with his voice.

Severus: Conveniently enough. *smirks*

Peter: Professor McGonagall was sweeping along without even looking at him;

Sirius: She hardly ever looks at us when we've done something she decides is really bad. It's how we know when we've crossed the line.

Peter: he had to jog to keep up.

Sirius: At least he's got the sense to do that.

Peter: Now he'd done it. He hadn't even lasted two weeks.

Lily: *sobs* And we were so looking forward to this, too!

Remus: Um, Lily?

Lily: What?

Remus: He's not going to be expelled. Think about it-- we still have six and a half books left, and I seriously doubt we'll be spending that much time with the Dursleys.

Lily: *takes a few deep breaths and lets this sink in*

Peter: He'd be packing his bags in ten minutes.

Bellatrix: Rubbish. No matter how much trouble you're in, it'll take far longer than that for them to tell you you're expelled.

Peter: What would the Dursleys say when he turned up on the doorstep?

Severus: Something along the lines of, "Agh! We were so close to being rid of you!" would be my guess.

Peter: Up the front steps, up the marble staircase inside, and still Professor McGonagall didn't say a word to him.

James: Even if he won't be expelled, I have a feeling that this won't be pretty.

Peter: She wrenched open doors and marched along corridors

Remus: Good Lord, I've never seen her fly into this much of a rage, and I hang around you two!

Peter: with Harry trotting miserably behind her.

Lily: Defend yourself, Harry!

Peter: Maybe she was taking him to Dumbledore.

Sirius: At least he'll have some interesting things to look at as he gets in trouble.

Peter: He thought of Hagrid, expelled but allowed to stay on as gamekeeper.

James: Hey, there's an idea! Maybe he could be Hagrid's assistant or something!

Peter: Perhaps he could be Hagrid's assistant.

Sirius: Oh, no, he's doing it again!

James: Doing what?

Sirius: Saying the exact same things Harry is thinking!

Peter: His stomach twisted as he imagined it,

Remus: That's never a good feeling.

Peter: watching Ron and the others becoming wizards,

Narcissa: You don't become a wizard, idiot, you're born one! You're trained at Hogwarts to learn to hone your power, not to aquire it!

Bellatrix: Unless you're a Mudblood.

Narcissa: They don't count as wizards. They count as filth.

Lily: *sighs*

Peter: while he stumped around the grounds carrying Hagrid's bag.

Severus: As incompetent as Hagrid is, I think even he can carry his own bag. He has to use all that strength for something.

Peter: Professor McGonagall stopped outside a classroom.

James: "A classroom?" Not "her classroom?" I think this just started looking up!

Lily: I don't know, she could be asking for something to hit him with or something.

Remus: Nah, Dumbledore abolished capital punishment even before he was headmaster. He's got a lot of influence over the Ministry.

Peter: She opened the door and poked her head inside. "Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, could I borrow Wood for a moment?"

Lily: Wood? What's Wood?

Sirius: Wasn't there a Liam Wood who graduated last year? Captain of the Ravenclaw team, right?

James: Yep. I've never had a harder time getting past a Keeper.

Lily: So it could be a person? Good!

James: And if it's any relation to Liam, I've got a very good feeling about this now!

Remus: I wouldn't get my hopes up, James, there hasn't been a first-year on one of the House Quidditch teams in decades.

Peter: Wood? thought Harry, bewildered; was Wood a cane she was going to use on him?

Lucius: Has he learned nothing from these past two weeks? The teachers aren't allowed to beat those who deserve it anymore!

Sirius: Lucky for you, eh, Malfoy?

Peter: But Wood turned out to be a person,

James: Liam's son, I hope!

Peter: a burly fifth-year boy who came out of Flitwick's class looking confused.

Lily: And he's not the only one! What's going on here?

James: Quidditch!

Lily: *through gritted teeth* Shut. Up. Potter.

Peter: "Follow me, you two," said Professor McGonagall,

Sirius: What did Liam's son do?

Peter: and they marched on up the corridor, Wood looking curiously at Harry.

Lily: Again with the staring at his scar? Does no one care that he doesn't like that?

Peter: "In here." Professor McGonagall pointed them into a classroom that was empty

Sirius: There seem to be an awful lot of those in the school. Why do we have more classrooms than we do classes?

Remus: Remedial classes, I would expect.

Peter: except for Peeves, who was busy writing rude words on the blackboard.

James: Only to have McGonagall correct his spelling. *snickers*

Peter: "Out, Peeves!" she barked.

Sirius: *barks*

Peter: Peeves threw the chalk into a bin, which clanged loudly,

Severus: As anything will when it strikes metal.

Peter: and he swooped out cursing.

Narcissa: It's not that big a deal. Can he not find another room to cause havoc in ?

Peter: Professor McGonagall slammed the door behind him

Lily: Was that really necessary? I mean, if he's not going to be punished so severely, why is she still so angry?

Peter: and turned to face the two boys.

Sirius: And now for a threesome!

Remus: Ew, Sirius.

Peter: "Potter, this is Oliver Wood.

James: Liam always used to like the name Oliver. So did that Muggle girlfriend of his... what's her name?

Sirius: Grace, wasn't it?

James: Oh, yeah, Grace!

Peter: Wood--I've found you a Seeker."

All except Nightwing: What?

James and Sirius: Ha! Yes!

James: Shame he's not a Chaser like me, but yes! He's a Quidditch player! Prepare to be amazed, Harry, you're in for one hell of a treat!

Lily: No! It's bad enough that his father's an arrogant arse of a Quidditch player, but now my son is, too?

Severus: A Gryffindor being rewarded for breaking rules. How typical.

Peter: Wood's expression changed from puzzlement to delight.

Remus: I don't blame him, if they needed to resort to a first-year to fill a place on the Quidditch team.

Peter: "Are you serious, Professor?"

Sirius: She can't be Sirius! *whines like a dog* I'm Sirius!

Peter: "Absolutely," said Professor McGonagall crisply.

Sirius: *whines louder* But I'm--

Remus: We know, Padfoot. We know. Now hush.

Peter: "The boy's a natural.

James: *puffs out his chest proudly* Of course he is, that's my genes talking! *ruffles his hair*

Lily: *eye twitches*

Peter: I've never seen anything like it.

Sirius: Wow, something McGonagall hasn't seen? Can't be much of that around, can there?

Remus: She's not that old.

James: Yeah, but she lived through our years at Hogwarts. She's seen nearly everything!

Peter: Was that your first time on a broomstick, Potter?"

Lucius: *nods sourly* And somehow he managed to undermine everything I've ever taught my son. Bloody Gryffindor....

James: Don't be jealous of the insane talent that flows through my veins, Lucy.

Lucius: *glares* Don't. Call. Me. Lucy.

Peter: Harry nodded silently.

James: Speak, son! Be proud of your achievements!

Lily: When those achievements are Quidditch related, I'm glad he has the decency not to speak!

Peter: He didn't have a clue what was going on,

Sirius: You're on the way to being worshipped for something even better than beating Voldemort!

Bellatrix: HE DID NOT--

Peter: *reads before she can get started* but he didn't seem to be being expelled,

Narcissa: Of course not. Why should anyone ever expell a perfect little Gryffindor?

Peter: and some of the feeling started coming back to his legs.

Lily: Good! I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, especially when it's because you're so nervous!

Peter: "He caught that thing in his hand after a fifty-foot dive," Professor McGonagall told Wood.

James: *swells with pride* My son is amazing.

Peter: "Didn't even scratch himself.

Lucius: I should hope not, with all those people watching! Even a Gryffindor should have some sense of decency and decorum....

Peter: Charlie Weasley couldn't have done it."

James: Because Charlie Weasley didn't have me for a father!

Peter: Wood was now looking as though all his dreams had come true at once.

Sirius: Including the one about the tap dancing kangaroo, the peanut butter sandwich, and the flying goldfish monkeys?

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Peter: "Ever seen a game of Quidditch, Potter?" he asked excitedly.

Lily: No, and he was perfectly happy that way!

James: Bite your tongue! No one can be perfectly happy without Quidditch in their life!

Peter: "Wood's captain of the Gryffindor team," Professor McGonagall explained.

Sirius: I just keep liking this guy more and more. A Quidditch player and a Gryffindor? Not that Liam's too bad as Ravenclaws go, but....

Nightwing: We know, we know, you love your own House.

Peter: "He's just the build for a Seeker, too," said Wood,

Remus: Or a Chaser, if he's built like James.

Peter: now walking around Harry and staring at him.

Lily: Don't--stare--at--my-- son! He hates it, I hate it!

Severus: Relax, Lily. Relax.

Peter: "Light--speedy--

James: *ruffles his hair and grins proudly*

Peter: we'll have to get him a decent broom, Professor--

Sirius: Hell yeah! Get him that new Nimbus!

Peter: a Nimbus Two Thousand

Sirius: That's what I said! Good thinking, Liam Jr!

Peter: or a Cleansweep Seven, I'd say."

Sirius: No, stick with the Nimbus! The Nimbus, I tell you!

Peter: I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore

Remus: You know, I don't think that sentence has ever meant anything good for a Potter before. Congratulations, James.

Peter: and see if we can't bend the first-year rule.

James: Yes! The rule of evil has been vanquished!

Lucius: Has anyone else noticed that this school lets Gryffindors get away with entirely too much to be fair?

Sirius: I'm surprised at you, Malfoy, haven't you noticed that we're just better than you?

Peter: Heaven knows, we need a better team than last year.

James: Gryffindor... has had a bad team.... I think I need to lie down!

Peter: Flattened in that last match by Slytherin,

Lucius: In your smug, sickening faces, you twits!

Sirius: Bloody hell, Harry had better be good. It's the only thing that can possibly make up for that horrible crime against humanity!

Peter: I couldn't look Severus Snape in the face for weeks...."

James: Then again, who would want to, really?

Severus: *glares*

Peter: Professor McGonagall peered sternly over her glasses at Harry.

Lily: Oh, no, she's angry again! *squeaks*

Peter: "I want to hear you're training hard, Potter,

James: He's my son, of course he'll be training hard!

Sirius: Yeah! It's one of the basic needs in life-- food, sleep, oxygen, and Quidditch practice!

Nightwing: You two are such freaks.

Peter: or I may change my mind about punishing you."

Bellatrix: So much for this being a reward-- that's practically blackmail! *snickers*

Peter: Then she suddenly smiled.

Narcissa: McGonagall doesn't smile!

James: She does for amazing Quidditch players! *ruffles his hair happily*

Lily: *twitches*

Peter: "Your father would have been proud," she said.

James: Damn right, I'm proud! My son is on the Quidditch team in his first year-- that hasn't happened in about eighty years!

Remus: Not since Haskel Vinson, who was also top of every class every year, Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, winner of six awards for Special Services to the School, and won the Order of Merlin, First Class twelve times.

Sirius: Yes, yes, he was a child prodigy, you tell us this every time we neglect our homework.

Peter: "He was an excellent Quidditch player himself."

James: *swells with pride* You know I am!

Remus: Oh, Merlin's pants, his ego's inflating again!

Peter: "You're joking."

James: Of course she's not, I'm the best Chaser Hogwarts has ever seen!

Lucius: You wish.

James: What's the matter, Lucy, jealous that your Seeking could never measure up to my Chasing?

Lucius: *sarcastically* Of course, Potter. Of course.

Peter: It was dinnertime. *groans* I'm hungry!

Nightwing: Too bad. Now finish reading the chapter.

Peter: Harry had just finished telling Ron what had happened when he'd left the grounds with Professor McGonagall.

James: And it's so hard to believe that it's not a dream. *sighs happily*
Lily: *turns away, disgusted*

Peter: Ron had a piece of steak and kidney pie halfway to his mouth,

Severus: Trust a Weasley to forget how to eat halfway through the act!

Peter: but he'd forgotten all about it.

Bellatrix: Disgusting idiotic creatures. They don't even deserve to be called human any longer, let alone wizards! Humans have more intelligence.

Peter: "Seeker?" he said.

Sirius: You heard him right! Not quite as good as a Beater, but still pretty damn impressive considering he's only a first year!

Peter: "But first years never--

Lliy: And I wish it had stayed that way!

Peter: you must be the youngest house player in about--" "A century," said Harry,

James: Lucky kid! With the Boy Who Lived thing going for him, he's promising to be even more amazing than even Haskel Vinson!

Peter: shoveling pie into his mouth.

Narcissa: It seems at least one of them remembers how to eat, even though the thought of anyone shoveling their food in is quite repulsive.

Bellatrix: Is it possible for one of them to be somewhere between the two extremes?

Peter: He felt particularly hungry after the excitement of the afternoon.

Remus: That happens to me, too, sometimes.

Sirius: Yeah, especially after we've pulled off a particularly good trick on Snivelly!

Severus: *glares*

Peter: "Wood told me."

James: Seems like he'll be a perfect gold mine of Quidditch information. *sighs happily*

Sirius: That's the most important kind!

Peter: Ron was so amazed, so impressed,

Lucius: As we've said, that's their natural state. Who don't Weasleys look up to?

Bellatrix: Well, they certainly haven't got anyone to look down on!

Peter: he just sat and gaped at Harry.

Lily: If I hear a word about his scar in this sentence....

Nightwing: Don't worry, you won't.

Peter: "I start training next week,"said Harry.

James: That week of waiting will be one of the longest of your life, Harry!

Peter: "Only don't tell anyone, Wood wants to keep it a secret."

Severus: Admirable sentiments, but nothing remains secret around Hogwarts. Everyone always finds out everything sooner or later.

Peter: Fred and George Weasley now came into the hall,

Sirius: Brilliant! And here I thought this scene couldn't get any better!

Peter: spotted Harry, and hurried over. "Well done," said George in a low voice.

James: Very well done. On the Quidditch team in his first year!

Peter: "Wood told us.

Narcissa: Not doing so well with this "secret" business, is he?

Peter: We're on the team too--Beaters."

Sirius: That's the best position to be! Pranksters and Beaters-- be still my heart!

Peter: "I tell you, we're going to win that Quidditch cup for sure this year," said Fred.

James: I'd be surprised if they didn't, with my son on the team!

Peter: "We haven't won since Charlie left,

Sirius and James: *shake their heads despairingly*

Sirius: Blasphemy.

James: Shouldn't be allowed....

Lucius: *grins* Oh, yes, it should.

Peter: but this year's team is going to be brilliant.

Sirius: Absolutely! If Harry's as good as his dad, you won't lose a match!

Peter: You must be good, Harry,

James: Now there's an understatement if I've ever heard one!

Peter: Wood was almost skipping when he told us."

Remus: *laughs and shakes his head* Mental. Absolutely mental.

Sirius: Just like his father! Except better-- because he's a Gryffindor!

Peter: "Anyway, we've got to go, Lee Jordan reckons he's found a new secret passageway out of the school."

James: I bet we know it.

Sirius: I bet we do, too!

Peter: "Bet it's that one behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy

James: The one we found on our first day?

Remus: Must be, there's only one secret passageway there.

Peter: that we found in our first week.

Sirius: *shakes his head despairingly* Pathetic.

Peter: See you."

Sirius and James: *wave like maniacs* Bye!

Peter: Fred and George had hardly disappeared when someone far less welcome turned up:

James: If it's who I think it is, look on the bright side-- now you can gloat!

Peter: Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.

Lucius: Excellent. Let's see both Potters' egos deflated back to normal size, shall we?

James: I highly doubt that.

Peter: "Having a last meal, Potter?

Lily: What, was Draco expecting Harry to be executed?

Peter: When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?"

Sirius: June 29, the same day you're going back to your drag queen of a father.

Lucius: How dare you?

Bellatrix: Well, your hair is incredibly effeminate.

Narcissa: *runs her fingers through Lucius's lovely hair* I think it's sexy.

Nightwing: So do I, and I'm the Authoress, so what I say goes!

Remus: Well, you're not exactly attracted to the most masculine of men, being a David Bowie fan and all....

Nightwing: Shut up. Lucius is perfectly manly. Now, let's continue.

Peter: "You're a lot braver now that you're back on the ground

Narcissa: He was hardly a coward up there! You need never be afraid to taunt a Longbottom!

Severus: Narcissa, don't delude yourself. Draco nearly wet himself when Harry nearly impaled him on the end of his broom.

Lucius: Anyone would be afraid of an attack like that!

Peter: and you've got your little friends with you," said Harry coolly.

Bellatrix: If you value your life at all, you wouldn't dare call any Crabbe or Goyle little!

Peter: There was of course nothing at all little about Crabbe and Goyle,

Remus: Wouldn't it be Crabbe or Goyle?

Sirius: Stop nitpicking, Moony, no one cares.

Peter: but as the High Table was full of teachers,

Lily: He seems to rather like using that as an insurance policy, doesn't he?

Lucius: A what?

Lily: An agreement that requires someone else to pay if you, say, die, get injured, or wreck your car, to name a few examples.

Bellatrix: Finally, something in the Muggle world that actually sounds useful!

Peter: neither of them could do more than crack their knuckles and scowl.

Sirius: I love it when teachers are watching and you can say whatever you want without Slytherins hexing you.

Peter: "I'd take you on anytime on my own," said Malfoy.

Lucius: There's a good lad, Draco. Take back your pride!

James: If Harry can defeat Voldemort, he can defeat your little snotling!

Peter: "Tonight, if you want.

Narcissa: The sooner, the better! Draco needs to reaffirm his dignity!

Peter: Wizard's duel.

Bellatrix: Because no one wants to read about a Muggle duel.

Peter: Wands only--no contact.

Sirius: Because we all know that your son would start crying if Harry so much as touched him.

Lucius: If he did, he would most certainly be disowned!

Peter: What's the matter? Never heard of a wizard's duel before, I suppose?"

Lily: Of course not! He was raised by Muggles, and had no idea that wizards were real!

Peter: "Of course he has," said Ron, wheeling around.

Remus: Ron, you idiot, you're going to get him killed with your blind chivalry!

Bellatrix: Not so good to be in Gryffindor now, is it?

Remus: Of course it is, just as good as being in any other House, but really, bravery needs thought behind it!

Peter: "I'm his second, who's yours?" Malfoy looked at Crabbe and Goyle, sizing them up.

Bellatrix: Don't pick who's bigger, you twit, pick who's better at magic!

Lucius: Between Crabbe and Goyle, you've got very little choice. They're both terrible.

Narcissa: That's what you're there for!

Peter: "Crabbe," he said.

Remus: Poor Goyle, he feels so rejected.

Lily: Maybe now he'll realize that there's nothing for him on the Dark side and turn to good!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *look deeply skeptical*

Lily: *defensively* Well, it could happen!

Peter: "Midnight all right.

Severus: So now not only will they be in trouble for fighting, but for being out of bed after hours. This is an absolutely brilliant plan.

Lucius: I have a feeling my son isn't fool enough to go through with this. *smirks*

James: Coward.

Lucius: No, he merely knows when to save his own skin, which is more than anyone can say for a Gryffindor!

Peter: We'll meet you in the trophy room; that's always unlocked."

Remus: You know, with all that gold and silver in there, you'd think they would lock it to protect the trophies from thieves.

Peter: When Malfoy had gone, Ron and Harry looked at each other.

Sirius: Realizing their true feelings for the first time and suddenly leaping into each others' arms and snogging each other senseless.

Peter: "What is a wizard's duel?" said Harry.

Lily: Boys being too stupid to settle their differences in any way besides violence. *rolls her eyes*

Peter: "And what do you mean, you're my second?"

Bellatrix: Something you probably won't need with the pathetic amount of magic you learn in your first few weeks.

Peter: "Well, a second's there to take over if you die," said Ron casually,

Narcissa: How can anyone speak of something like that casually?

Lucius: Well, they're first years. They don't know enough magic to cause any damage at all, let alone to kill.

Peter: getting started at last on his cold pie.

James: It's not as good cold!

Peter: Catching the look on Harry's face,

Sirius: Yeah, someone should probably have reminded him how young they are.

Peter: he added quickly, "But people only die in proper duels, you know, with real wizards.

Bellatrix: Like Death Eaters! *throws her head back and cackles*

Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa: *smirk wickedly*

Peter: The most you and Malfoy'll be able to do is send sparks at each other.

Sirius: With Lucius for a father, I highly doubt that. The boy's got to know some nasty curses.

Lucius: Of course he does. I would never send my son to Hogwarts unprepared!

Peter: Neither of you knows enough magic to do any real damage.

Narcissa: Would you like to put money on that? *smirks up at Lucius*

Peter: I bet he expected you to refuse, anyway."

Lucius: Excuse me, I would have taught him to have a higher opinion of the nerve of the boy who temporarily stopped the Dark Lord.

Peter: "And what if I wave my wand and nothing happens?"

Sirius: That's when you go to what you've learned from your cousin and resort to Muggle dueling!

Narcissa: How primitive.

Peter: "Throw it away and punch him on the nose," Ron suggested.

James: I can think of other places that might cause more permanent damage.

Lily: And this is why I'm glad Ron's his mentor at the moment and not you.

Peter: "Excuse me."

Remus: Harry, balking at the chance to show Draco up again? What is this world coming to when a relative of James doesn't want to pound on a Malfoy?

Peter: They both looked up.

Remus: Oh. It seems it wasn't Harry after all.

Peter: It was Hermione Granger.

All: *groan*

Sirius: Not her!

Peter: "Can't a person eat in peace in this place?" said Ron.

James: They should be able to, but they're not.

Sirius: Especially when some annoying snot has been shoved into your House for reasons no one can understand.

Peter: Hermione ignored him and spoke to Harry.

Bellatrix: Because who would want to disgrace themselves by talking to a Weasley? Even a Mudblood has higher standards!

Peter: "I couldn't help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying--"

Remus: Who asked her to eavesdrop? Go read another entire section of the library or something....

Peter: "Bet you could," Ron muttered.

Sirius: So do I, Ron.

Peter: "--and you mustn't go wandering around the school at night,

Severus: Please. People do that all the time, and rarely get caught. It's a matter of knowing where there won't be teachers about.

Peter: think of the points you'll lose Gryffindor if you're caught,

James: Stupid girl, honor and dignity and trouncing Malfoys are much more important than a few House Points!

Peter: and you're bound to be.

Sirius: I have a feeling he's got some good instincts from his father's genes. He'll know where not to go.

Peter: It's really very selfish of you."

Lily: POTTER, YOU GAVE MY SON YOUR ARROGANT SELFISHNESS!

James: *cowers* I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Don't slap me again!

Peter: "And it's really none of your business," said Harry.

Sirius: I agree! Leave them alone to do the right thing!

Severus: The right thing?

Sirius: Beating the snot out of any denizen of the Malfoy family is always the right thing.

Peter: "Good-bye," said Ron.

Remus: You tell her, Ron.

Peter: All the same, it wasn't what you'd call the perfect end to the day,

James: The only perfect end to any day is hexing Snivellus until he cries for mercy in the glorious fading light that comes from that huge window on the fourth floor. *grins evilly*

Severus: *glares*

Peter: Harry thought, as he lay awake much later

Sirius: Get some rest, Harry, you'll need it to crush that Malfoy brat!

Peter: listening to Dean and Seamus falling asleep

Bellatrix: *disgusted* And just what are those two boys doing that makes falling asleep so audible?

Remus: Don't be so vulgar. They probably just snore or breathe heavily or something.

Peter: (Neville wasn't back from the hospital wing).

Lily: But Madame Pomfrey can mend bones in a second! How badly was he hurt?!

Peter: Ron had spent all evening giving him advice

Lucius: Which, if Potter's son had any sense at all, he would ignore on principle simply because it came from a Weasley.

Peter: such as "If he tries to curse you, you'd better dodge it,

Severus: Did he really need to be told that?

Peter: because I can't remember how to block them."

Narcissa: *sarcastically* That was exceedingly helpful. Harry should consider himself so lucky to have your brilliant advice on his side.

Peter: There was a very good chance they were going to get caught by Filch or Mrs. Norris,

Sirius: Not if you know the right secret passageways!

Peter: and Harry felt he was pushing his luck, breaking another school rule today.

James: Don't worry, you were rewarded last time because of your noble intentions. What makes this time any different?

Lucius: Getting crushed to bits by my son's magical talent hardly qualifies as noble intention.

Nightwing: Have I mentioned that your son's a failure at life yet?

Lucius and Narcissa: *glare*

Peter On the other hand, Malfoy's sneering face kept looming up out of the darkness--

Sirius: And no one wants to be haunted by that ugly mug.

Narcissa: I wouldn't mind. *smiles adoringly up at Lucius*

Bellatrix: Excuse me while I go vomit.

Peter: this was his big chance to beat Malfoy face-to-face.

James: And you'd be daft to pass something like that up!

Lucius: What makes you so sure your son will be victorious? And don't you dare say it's just because he's your son.

James: How about that he's the hero of the book and Draco's a villain, is that a valid reason? Or that the Authoress keeps saying what a nancy your son is?

Peter: He couldn't miss it.

Sirius and James: Hear, hear!

Peter: "Half-past eleven," Ron muttered at last,

Remus: Is half an hour enough time for two first years to find their way all the way to the trophy room from Gryffindor Tower?

Lily: I certainly hope so! It'll be all the worse for Harry if he's late!

Peter: "we'd better go."

Narcissa: Straight to your imminent destruction! *pause* Or abject humiliation. I'll settle for either one.

Peter: They pulled on their bathrobes,

Severus: *sneers* How wizardly!

Peter: picked up their wands,

Sirius: That bit could sound rather dodgy on its own, couldn't it?

Remus: The other wand, Padfoot. The magical one.

Sirius: Hey, I don't know about you, but I have a magical wand!

Remus: ... ew. Continue, Peter, while I try to get that image out of my head. *shudders*

Nightwing: Take that, Wolfstar shippers!

Peter: and crept across the tower room,

Sirius: Don't worry, if the other two fell asleep as audibly as I think they did, they should be out pretty cold at the moment.

Peter: down the spiral staircase,

Severus: A spiral staircase? No wonder you're all morons, you're all dizzy just from getting out of bed! Our stairways are at a slant, the way a stairway should be.

Peter: and into the Gryffindor common room.

Lily: What about out the portrait hole and towards the trophy room? Have they changed their minds and realized what a stupid idea this is?

Remus: Somehow, I doubt that.

Peter: A few embers were still glowing in the fireplace,

Narcissa: At midnight? Merlin's beard, even the house-elves make more of an effort to be good to Gryffindors! Is no one ever going to correct these horrible injustices?

Peter: turning all the armchairs into hunched black shadows.

Lily: Uh-oh, I don't like how ominous that sounded.

Peter: They had almost reached the portrait hole when a

Lucius: Chimaera jumped out and swallowed them whole.

voice spoke from the chair nearest them,

Sirius: *screams in a rather good, though fake, falsetto* Oh, my goodness! It's the dreaded Talking Chair!

Lily: Or Harry's conscious.

Sirius: *screams again* Even worse!

Peter: "I can't believe you're going to do this, Harry."

James: I can, O mysterious Talking Chair! He has to defend the pride and honor of the Potter family!

Peter: A lamp flickered on.

Sirius: Oh, no, the Talking Chair can manipulate the lights now, too!

James: It's taking over the school! Aaaah!

Severus: You two are idiots.

Peter: It was Hermione Granger,

All: *groan*

Lucius: Does this girl ever shut up?

Bellatrix: Evidently not. Filthy little Mudblood.

Sirius: I'd rather take the dreaded Talking Chair!

Peter: wearing a pink bathrobe and a frown.

Severus: *looks nauseous* Why pink?

Bellatrix: She's a Mudblood. She wasn't born with our impeccable fashion sense?

Remus: I've seen witches and wizards wear pink before. It's not that unusual.

Peter: "You!" said Ron furiously. "Go back to bed!"

Narcissa: I never thought I'd see the day when I'd agree with a Weasley.... Should I feel unclean?

Lucius: I think all of us are in agreement with this Weasley at that particular moment.

Peter: "I almost told your brother," Hermione snapped,

Sirius: Which one, Fred or George? They'd be perfectly happy with all this!

Peter: "Percy--

Sirius: Oh, right... the one with a stick up his arse that's ten miles long.

Peter: he's a prefect,

Sirius and James: Booooo....

Remus and Lily: *glower*

Peter: he'd put a stop to this."

Lily: Not necessarily. *glares at Remus*

Remus: *smiles guiltily*

Peter: Harry couldn't believe anyone could be so interfering.

Lucius: Nor can I! Does my son not have the right to see Potter's cringing at his feet?

Peter: "Come on," he said to Ron.

Sirius: Good job, Harry, ignore her and she'll go away.

Peter: He pushed open the portrait of the Fat Lady and climbed through the hole.

James: Off to an honorable battle in which Malfoy will be completely and utterly crushed!

Lucius: You wish.

Peter: Hermione wasn't going to give up that easily.

Severus: Of course not, that's what we want.

Peter: She followed Ron through the portrait hole,

Remus: Oh, Merlin, she's going to get locked out and have to come with them, isn't she?

Lily: Maybe Goyle should have come with Draco. If they fought three on three, they might have a use for her.

Peter: hissing at them like an angry goose.

Sirius: Does she have the spikes under her wings, too?

Peter: "Don't you care about Gryffindor,

James: Of course he does. Seeing as his opponent's a Slytherin, he's bound to have points given to them!

Narcissa: You have far too much faith in the favoritism this school gives your House....

Peter: do you only care about yourselves,