The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time....

Nightwing: So, would you do me a favor and read the next chapter, Lily?

Lily: Sure, I will! *takes the book perfectly cheerfully*

Nightwing: Slytherins, please take note. This is how you take your duty as the Bearer of the Book.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *glower at Nightwing*

Nightwing: ... right. Anyway, continue, Lily.

Lily: Chapter Eight, The Potions Master....

Sirius and James: Great. Just great.

James: How are we going to get through an entire chapter about Snivellus?

Sirius: *looks around at the other three Marauders* Be strong, chaps. Be strong.

Severus: Shut up and let her get on with it. Or don't you want to get out of here?

Lucius: And you've got a completely different reason to want to read this chapter.

Severus: Yes, I do. Now, Lily, if you don't mind....

Lily: "There, look." *glowers at the book*

Peter: At what?

Lily: I hate it when people do this to him!!! "Where?"

Peter: Really, where? I don't see anything!

Lily: "Next to the tall kid with the red hair."

Remus: Poor Ron, reduced to a landmark.

Narcissa: He's a Weasley. Being a landmark is a step up!

Lily: "Wearing the glasses?"

James: And looking damn sexy in them, of course!

Sirius: Keep telling yourself that, Prongs.

Lily: "Did you see his face?"

James: And what a face it is!

Severus: You sicken me, Potter.

Lily: He sickens everyone he meets. "Did you see his scar?"

Sirius: Is that his only defining feature?

Remus: Well, it is the mark of the event he's famous for. It's only natural that people want to see it.

Lily: Whispers followed Harry from the moment he left his dormitory the next day.

Lucius: Gryffindors, of course. Slytherins are better at being stealthy when they're whispering about someone.

Bellatrix: *nods* That way, when we go to make fun of them to their face, it has more of an effect.

Lily: People lining up outside classrooms stood on tip-toe to get a look at him,

Narcissa: Honestly, I'm starting to side with Evans on this. He can't possibly be that interesting! Would you stare at any common murderer?

Lucius: Ah, but the Dark Lord isn't dead, Cissa.

Narcissa: I know, but it's still not worth fawning over Potter's son like this! They should be looking at ours. Even without seeing him, I know he's much better looking. *bats her eyelashes at Lucius*

Lucius: *smirks and tosses his hair*

Bellatrix: *watches them with a disgusted look on her face* And there goes my breakfast....

Lily: or doubled back to pass him in the corridors again, staring.

Sirius: Girls do that to me. *grins and tosses his hair* It's part of being so ridiculously good looking.

Bellatrix: Believe me, if he resembles his father as much as it seems he does, that's not why they're staring.

James: That's what you think, Bellatrix.

Lily: Harry wished they wouldn't,

Remus: I'd agree with him. I imagine it makes it a lot more difficult to find your classes when people are ogling you like that, and first years especially need to focus on not getting lost.

Lily: because he was trying to concentrate on finding his way to classes.

Remus: Once again, that's exactly what I just said.

Sirius: Are you sure you haven't read this book before, Moony?

Lily: There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts:

Lucius: I thought there were only ninety-four.

Severus: Apparently Hogwarts has a little remodeling done within the next twenty years.

Lily: wide, sweeping ones;

Peter: That's what I expected from a great big castle filled with magic!

Lily: narrow, rickety ones;

Severus: Like the one leading to the dungeons.

Sirius: You would know, wouldn't you, greaseball?

Severus: I do come up from the dungeons for classes and meals. I simply like experimenting with potions and working on keeping my status as top of that class in my free time.

Lily: some that led somewhere different on a Friday;

Sirius: Which is really annoying when you have a class right at the top of one six days a week but have to find a totally different way on Fridays.

Lily: some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump.

Peter: I hate those staircases.

Sirius: Don't worry, Wormtail, the rest of us will always be there to pull you out again.

Peter: *scowls*

Lily: Then there were doors that wouldn't open until you asked politely,

Remus: Providing students with an excellent lesson in manners.

Sirius: And keeping Slytherins everywhere from ever entering the Ancient Runes corridor.

Lily: or tickled them in exactly the right place,

Narcissa: I hate those doors. Tickling them feels so awkward.

Severus: At least it's not a real human. That would be even worse.

Sirius: *aside to James* New prank idea?

James: *aside to Sirius* Absolutely.

Lily: *rolls her eyes* and doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending.

Bellatrix: The Hogwarts founders shared one thing in common. A sick, twisted sense of humor.

Narcissa: *snickers* Didn't you run straight into one on your first day of classes?

Bellatrix: *sourly* Unfortunately, I did, and all my dear sister did to help was stand by and laugh at me.

Narcissa: Isn't that what sisters are for?

Lily: It was also very hard to remember where anything was,

Peter: I had the worst problem with that during my first week!

Sirius: What are you talking about? You still have the worst problem with that.

Lily: because it all seemed to move around a lot.

Remus: One of the downsides to Wizarding portraits and enchanted armor. Yeah, they're usually willing to help point you in the right direction, but you've got to find them first.

Lily: The people in the portraits kept going to visit each other,

Severus: Well, they're not very well going to stay in one place all the time. It would get dreadfully dull.

Lucius: How do Muggle portraits survive?

Nightwing: Well, they're not sentient, so that might account for something.

Lucius: They're not even sentient? Muggles!

Lily: and Harry was sure the coats of armor could walk.

James: That would be because they can.

Sirius: They get awfully annoyed with you when you try and wear them, too.

Remus: Maybe you shouldn't go about messing with anything carrying a massive battle-axe.

Sirius: That's probably a good piece of advice.

Lily: The ghosts didn't help, either.

Remus: Actually, that depends on which ghost you talk to. Nearly Headless Nick and the Fat Friar will always point you in the right direction quite happily, but the Bloody Baron will tell you to bugger off and the Gray Lady will just ignore you completely.

Lily: It was always a nasty shock when one of them glided suddenly through a door you were trying to open.

Bellatrix: Show-offs.

Severus: It's an even nastier shock when one of them glides suddenly through you.

All: *shudder*

Lily: Nearly Headless Nick was always happy to point new Gryffindors in the right direction,

Remus: And Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and the occasional Slytherin who asks nicely enough.

Sirius: *looks over to the Slytherins* And you say we don't have the best ghost!

Remus: I would also like to point out that, once again, the book mentioned something that I already said, word for word.

Lily: but Peeves the Poltergeist was worth two locked doors and a trick staircase

James: And a broken wand.

Sirius: And a Vanishing room

James: And a rampaging hippogriff.

Sirius: And a poisoned feast.

James: And a late-night run-in with Filch.

Sirius: And, worst of all... a gang of evil muffins blocking your way!

Lily: And you two are done talking! if you met him when you were late for class.

Lucius: It's not exactly pleasant to meet him at any time.

Sirius: Speak for yourself.

Sirius and James: *identical evil grins*

Lily: He would drop wastepaper baskets on your head,

Severus: *winces* He does that to me all the time. He says a bit more dirt on my head won't make the least bit of difference.

James: Well, he's right. I don't think it's possible for your hair to get any greasier.

Severus: *glares*

Lily: pelt you with bits of chalk,

Peter: That's his favorite to use on me, and just because I'm allergic. Sirius and James stopped it, though.

Sirius: Aren't you grateful that we stopped you from breaking out into a rash twice a day?

Lily: or sneak up behind you, invisible, grab your nose,

James: Another one he does to you a lot, Snivellus?

Severus: And what would make you say that, Potter?

James: Well, it's a huge target. You'd have to be blind to miss it.

Lily: and screech, "GOT YOUR CONK!"

Lucius: Excuse me? Got your what?

Remus: That's a new one for me. From the context, I'd guess would be that it's some sort of slang term for your nose.

Lily: Even worse than Peeves,

Bellatrix: Is that even possible?

Lily: if that was possible,

Narcissa: It seems that even Potter's son doubts that.

Lily: was the caretaker, Argus Filch.

Sirius: He is definitely worse than Peeves.

James: No sense of humor. *shakes his head despairingly*

Remus: Appropriate name, really, if you think about it. Argus was a monster in Greek mythology that had a hundred eyes and could see everything, and "filch" is another word for steal.

James: And no one cares. Continue, Lily, dear.

Lily: *glares at him* Harry and Ron managed to get on the wrong side of him

Peter: Does Filch even have a right side?

Lily: on their very first morning.

Sirius: Is that all? The four of us got on the wrong side of him at the welcome feast!

Bellatrix: Somehow that doesn't surprise me. What did you do?

James: We came into the entrance hall all wet after falling into the lake and dripped all over the floors.

Sirius: He wasn't pleased in the slightest.

Remus: It was really rather frightening. Don't ever do something so stupid again.

James: Moony, you do know that's like asking us not to breathe, right?

Remus: *long-suffering sigh*

Lily: Filch found them trying to force their way through a door

Lucius: That doesn't work. If a door won't open, it's best to leave it alone. Really, it could have been one of the doors that's really just a wall.

Lily: that unluckily turned out to be

Sirius: The entrance to the secret lair of the evil Muffin Queen!

All: *give Sirius weird looks*

Lily: the entrance to

Sirius: See? See?! I knew it! It is the--

Lily: *reads loudly over him to shut him up* the out-of-bounds corridor on the third floor.

Remus: *winces* Ouch. Filch hates it when students break rules. Harry's lucky he wasn't expelled... or worse.

Peter: Yeah, Filch could have strung him up by his wrists in the dungeons for a week!

James: Is someone ever going to do something about that, by the way?

Remus: I think Dumbledore's working on getting a bill through to the Ministry to outlaw using torture as a punishment.

Bellatrix: But torture is the best kind of punishment!

Lily: He wouldn't believe they were lost,

Peter: He never does. *sighs hopelessly, shaking his head*

Sirius: The git.

Lily: was sure they were trying to break into it on purpose,

Remus: With James for a father, that's probably not an unfounded accusation.

James: Rules are made to be broken, and forbidden corridors are made to be explored!

Narcissa: and was threatening to lock them in the dungeons

Remus: Okay, that's a bit extreme.

Sirius: Especially with Snivellus teaching in that corridor.

Severus: I love how your lot automatically assumes I'm going to poison Potter's son on sight.

Bellatrix: Really. Snape's far too soft to do something like that.

Severus: *glares at her*

Lily: when they were rescued by Professor Quirrell, who was passing.

James: Hey, maybe Strange Turban Man can be useful for something, after all! Thank you, Professor Quirrell!

Lily: Filch owned a cat called Mrs. Norris,

Peter: Mr. Whiskers died, so he replaced him with another one? It's never ending!

Sirius: Filch's cat hates Peter.

Nightwing: I can see why. And that's nothing to do with the fact that I hate Peter.

Lucius: Is there a Mr. Norris somewhere?

Nightwing: Yeah, I think so. His name is Chuck. *glances at readers, grinning* Get it? Chuck Norris?

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Lily: ... right... moving on. a scrawny, dust-colored creature

Peter: Just like Mr. Whiskers. *shudders*

Lily: with bulging, lamp like eyes just like Filch's.

James: All right, that's just creepy.

Sirius: Tell me about it. I mean, I've heard of animals growing to look like their masters, but that's a bit frightening, really.

Nightwing: I've always had this weird conspiracy theory that Mrs. Norris was once an old lover of Filch's, and Mr. Norris got pissed and Transfigured her into a cat, and ever since she's been following him around while he pines for what she used to be.

All except Nightwing: *silence*

Bellatrix: ... it's scary how much sense that makes.

Peter: Why doesn't he just turn her back?

Remus: Because he's a Squib.

Lucius: Pity, that. The Filches are actually quite a good Wizarding family.

Narcissa: She patrolled the corridors alone.

Peter: She's never alone... never... *freaky eye twitch*

All except Peter: *edge away from Peter*

Lily: Break a rule in front of her, put just one toe out of line,

James: But what if you put your whole leg out?

Nightwing: *singing and dancing* You put your whole leg in, you put your whole leg out, you put your whole leg in....

Sirius, James, Peter, and Nightwing: *the other three join in, also doing the motions* ... and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!

Bellatrix: *bangs her head against the wall*

Lucius: Someone call the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and tell them we're being held captive and brutally tortured....

Sirius: They wouldn't listen to you, you're Death Eaters.

Lucius: *glares*

Lily: and she'd whisk off for Filch, who'd appear, wheezing, two seconds later.

Peter: Mr. Whiskers does that, too! How? How?

Remus: I suppose he must have had someone put a Immutable Propinquity Spell on himself and each of his cats, because he couldn't have done it himself.

Peter: *tilts his head curiously* What does that do?

Severus: Do none of you read? A Immutable Propinquity Spell makes the people it's cast on able to know one another's location and to know if one is needed by the other. And you'd know that if you read this year's Standard Book of Spells!

Lily: Filch knew the secret passageways of the school better than anyone

Sirius: Excuse me? I beg to differ!

Lily: (except perhaps the Weasley twins)

James: And, of course, Messers. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. I mean, we put effort into finding every single one!

Lily: and could pop up as suddenly as any of the ghosts.

Peter: And scare the living daylights out of you when you're off your guard.

Severus: Don't let your guard down, then.

Lily: The students all hated him,

Lucius: I suppose some things never change. Pringle was loads more understanding.

Narcissa: It's such a pity he had to retire in our third year!

Lily: and it was the dearest ambition of many to give Mrs. Norris a good kick.

Bellatrix: Certainly none of them are in Slytherin. We have higher ambitions than that.

Sirius: *grins* I actually have kicked her before. It's quite satisfying.

Lily: And then, once you had managed to find them, there were the classes themselves.

James: The most frightening part of Hogwarts, certainly.

Remus: I find that depends on the class, really.

James: Moony, they hired Snape to be a teacher. Don't you think that's enough of a reason to be afraid?

Severus: *lip curls*

Lily: There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.

Lucius: Typical Muggle way of thinking! Honestly, are they that ignorant?

Severus: Well, considering our kind tries to keep them ignorant, I should think it's a good thing that the Mudbloods and those raised by Muggles don't know much about our ways.

Lucius: Fair point.

Lily: They had to study the night skies through their telescopes every Wednesday at midnight

Peter: I hate that class. I'm always so sleepy at midnight on Wednesdays!

Sirius: I like it. *grins* It's my best class!

Remus: Only because you like that your name crops up a lot in the lesson plan.

Sirius: So? It gives me a good reason to pay attention, doesn't it?

Lily: and learn the names of different stars

Sirius: Like me! Sirius, the Dog Star! Woof!

Bellatrix: *gives Sirius weird looks* I'm named after a star, too, and you don't see me making such a fuss!

Severus: You smirk every time you hear it, though, I've seen you.

Lily: and the movements of the planets.

Peter: We do quite enough of that in Divination without seeing it in Astronomy.

Sirius: Yeah, but in Astronomy we don't have to put up with Professor Delphi telling us that the alignment of Mars with Saturn means that we're going to be violently blown to smithereens next Thursday. Honestly, what is all that rubbish he throws at me about "veiled threats?"

Peter: Good point.

Remus: I am so glad I didn't take that class....

James: *nods in agreement*

Lily: Three times a week they went out to the greenhouses behind the castle

Sirius: More often than that if you're like me. It's an excellent place to have a good snog without anyone noticing!

Remus: Is that where you and Florence Bishop were the other day?

Sirius: *nods happily* Wish Bertha Jorkins hadn't been spying on us, though. Honestly, how is it any of her business where I go with my girlfriend of the week?

Severus: Apparently all that female attention you gloat about isn't entirely welcome, is it, Black?

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

Lily: to study Herbology,

Peter: That's my favorite subject! *beams*

Bellatrix: And you say you're good for something! Honestly, who cares about plants unless it's the only thing you're good at?

Lily: with a dumpy little witch called Professor Sprout,

Remus: I think she'd resent that description.

Narcissa: She's a Hufflepuff, she deserves it.

Lily: where they learned how to take care of all the strange plants and fungi,

Lucius: They're only strange to the unworthy eye!

Lily: and found out what they were used for.

Sirius: Usually medicines.

Remus: It's like that in the Muggle world, too. Loads of remedies come from plants.

Lily: Easily the most boring class was

All: History of Magic!

Sirius: Closely followed by Divination.

Remus: I'm sure, but he's not in third year yet.

Sirius: Remind me to advise him not to take it when he is in third year!

Lily: which was the only one taught by a ghost.

Lucius: ... well. That's new.

Sirius: Bet you all five Galleons it's still Binns.

James: No one doubts it, Padfoot, save your money.

Lily: Professor Binns

Sirius: I knew old Tortoise Face hadn't gone anywhere.

Lily: had been very old indeed

Peter: He's really old now!

Lily: when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire

Sirius: *in a dramatic whisper* Never... to wake up... again!

Lily: and got up next morning to teach,

Narcissa: Well, if he died, he wouldn't really have gotten up, would he?

Lily: leaving his body behind him.

Remus: You know, if I were a teacher, I'd stop after I died.

James: Knowing Binns, I seriously--

Sirius: Yes?

James: *rolls his eyes* --doubt he even noticed he was dead.

Lily: Binns droned on and on

Sirius: Like a vacuum cleaner!

James, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: A what?

Sirius: *looking proud of himself* A vacuum cleaner. It sucks stuff up and makes a really loud noise doing it. We just learned about them in Muggle Studies, and I actually remembered it!

Lucius: Black, you have to be the only pureblood ever to take that inane class.

Bellatrix: Certainly he's the only one in our family. No one else would dare to sully our pure blood by playing Muggle for an hour and a half three times a week!

Lily: while they scribbled down names and dates,

Sirius: No one ever writes anything down in that class!

Remus: Um....

Sirius: Well, except for the swots who get the rest of us through the exams.

Remus: Glad to see I'm so useful to you, Padfoot.

Lily: and got Emeric the Evil and Uric the Oddball mixed up.

Severus: How thick are these dunderheads? It's impossible to confuse those two! Emeric the Evil would massacre thousands of innocent children in their beds in a single night, while Uric the Oddball simply went through some odd experiments with magical creatures.

Lily: Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher,

Sirius: Good bloke, Flitwick. I always enjoy his classes.

James: *nods enthusiastically* His is the best class for plotting new pranks with no one noticing what we're up to.

Sirius: And we've always got those Ravenclaws to help us out when we're having issues with a spell!

Lily: was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk.

Peter: Why doesn't somebody get that poor man a stepladder or something?

Lily: At the start of their first class he took the roll call,

Lucius: Like he does every year.

Severus: Most teachers do. Helps them keep track of their students.

Lily: and when he reached Harry's name he gave an excited squeak and toppled out of sight.

All: *silence*

Severus: What an idiot. Just because he temporarily robbed the Dark Lord of his powers doesn't give him the right to be every teacher's pet!

James: *disgusted* I have a feeling you'll more than make up for anyone else being nice to him.

Severus: Well, someone has to deflate his ego.

Lily: Professor McGonagall was again different.

Sirius: Different from what?

All: *shrug*

Lily: Harry had been quite right to think she wasn't a teacher to cross.

Remus: *pointedly* Sirius. James.

Sirius and James: *innocently* What?

Sirius: We know how to get out of too much trouble, and when to draw the line.

James: Even if we do put a toe across occasionally.

Sirius: Don't worry, Moony, Old McGoogles loves us really.

Remus: Right. Keep telling yourself that, Padfoot.

Lily: Strict

Peter: That's a huge understatement!

Lily: and clever,

Severus: Which just makes you wonder why she heads Gryffindor instead of Ravenclaw.

Lily: she gave them a talking-to the moment they sat down in her first class.

Remus: Probably a good thing. Transfiguration can be a bit dodgy if you're not good at it.

Severus: Or if you are good at it and you use it improperly. *glares at Sirius and James*

Sirius and James: *identical evil grins*

Lily: I don't even want to know. "Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts," she said.

Remus: Once again, that is exactly what I just said.

Sirius: *in a breathy, faux-mysterious voice* I think you might have a touch of the Seer, Moony! Are you in touch with your Inner Eye?

Remus: Well, even without consulting the oracles, I can see great injury coming in the near future if you don't shut it.

James: *aside to Sirius* Oh, no, he's PMS-ing!

Sirius: *nods* *aside to James* Don't you just hate that Pre-Moon Syndrome?

Lily: "Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back.

Narcissa: Is she allowed to do that?

James: Apparently. She's never done it to us, though.

Peter: And you two mess around all the time!

Lily: You have been warned."

Sirius: Dun dun DUN.

Lily: Then she changed her desk into a pig and back again.

Bellatrix: And little Diddykins got his first and only glimpse of Hogwarts.

Lily: They were all very impressed

Lucius: It's not that impressive if you grew up properly with that sort of thing. When I was a child, my father used to turn dining-room chairs into dogs for my amusement.

Narcissa: *nods* And my mother used to turn candles into fluffy little rabbits.

Bellatrix: It was such fun tearing their heads off!

Lily: and couldn't wait to get started,

Severus: I think they'll be rather disappointed. The first few lessons aren't all that exciting.

Lily: but soon realized they weren't going to be changing the furniture into animals for a long time.

James: Not until fifth year, at least!

Peter: But in second year, you get to start turning animals into things!

Sirius: Didn't your water goblet still have a rabbit's tail by the end of class?

Peter: *scowls*

Lily: After taking a lot of complicated notes,

James: They're not that complicated!

Peter: They are if you're not top of the class!

Remus: Don't worry, Wormtail, I'll help you out.

Lily: they were each given a match and started trying to turn it into a needle.

Lucius: I hated that lesson. I thought I'd gotten it, but when I tried to use it to mend a tear in my robes, they caught fire.

Sirius and James: *snicker*

Lucius: *glares*

Lily: By the end of the lesson, only

James: James Potter had actually turned his match into a needle. *grins and ruffled his hair*

Lily: Hermione Granger had made any difference to her match;

Sirius: Is anyone surprised? Anyone? *brief pause* Didn't think so.

Lily: Professor McGonagall showed the class how it had gone all silver and pointy

Severus: Yes, we realized that when it mentioned that she managed to turn her match into a needle. We know what a needle looks like, after all.

Lily: and gave Hermione a rare smile.

All: *stunned silence*

Sirius: McGonagall... never... smiles. Ever.

James: She's never even smiled for me!

Severus: Who would?

James: Shut it, Snivellus.

Lily: The class everyone had really been looking forward to was Defense Against the Dark Arts,

Bellatrix: I wouldn't look forward too much to that. Who cares about that Defense rubbish?

Severus: Really. If I taught that subject, we'd learn far more useful information about the Dark Arts.

Lily: but Quirrell's lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke.

Lucius: Defense classes always are.

Narcissa: Although I'm really not surprised that they're more pathetic than usual. I mean, the man can't even speak properly, and it's because of a Dark creature!

Lily: His classroom smelled strongly of garlic,

All except Peter: Ewww....

Peter: I like that smell.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Nightwing: My family's Italian, so I suppose the smell of garlic's not too bad in small doses and mixed with tomato and oregano and other food-type things, but by itself... you're mental, Peter. That smell is nasty.

Peter: *shrugs* To each their own, I suppose.

Lily: which everyone said was to ward off a vampire

Nightwing: Smart man. Especially if said vampire happened to be frickin' sparkling.

Severus: What kind of a vampire sparkles?

Nightwing: Exactly.

Lily: he'd met in Romania

Remus: Transylvania's in Romania.

Sirius: Well then, I wonder where in Romania he met this vampire?

Lily: and was afraid would be coming back to get him one of these days.

Narcissa: Well, if it did, it wouldn't be too difficult to overpower that wimp!

Lily: His turban, he told them, had been given to him by an African prince as a thank-you for getting rid of a troublesome zombie,

Lucius: What the hell is a zombie?

Remus: It's another word for an Inferius. It's just starting to be used as a synonym, because it's the name Muggles and Muggle-borns know them by.

Lucius: They're changing our very vernacular? And still you say they don't all deserve to be eradicated!

Lily: but they weren't sure they believed this story.

Bellatrix: Nor do I. How could that pathetic coward possibly defeat an Inferius?

Severus: And really, if it was that much of a problem, I should think he'd receive a better thank-you gift than a long strip of cloth.

Lily: For one thing, when Seamus Finnigan

Sirius: Our little Irish chum!

Lily: asked eagerly to hear how Quirrell had fought off the zombie,

Narcissa: He couldn't tell him because it didn't happen?

Lily: Quirrell went pink and started talking about the weather;

Bellatrix: Yes, Narcissa, I fully believe you're right.

Lily: for another, they had noticed that a funny smell hung around the turban,

James: Looks like it may be high time to wash that thing.

Nightwing: *giggles suddenly* Sorry, it's just that... knowing the real reason behind the turban, it's hilarious that it smells funny.

Lily: and the Weasley twins insisted that it was stuffed full of garlic as well,

Nightwing: *dissolves into giggles again*

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Lucius: I don't suppose you're going to tell us exactly what's so funny about this?

Nightwing: Of course not! That'll spoil the whole book!

Lily: so that Quirrell was protected wherever he went.

Sirius: Looks like they've got his number, don't they? How exactly does he plan on teaching him to defend themselves?

Peter: With the power of Italian cooking!

Lily: Harry was very relieved to find out that he wasn't miles behind everyone else.

Severus: And just how many people had to tell him that before he finally believed it?

Lily: Lots of people had come from Muggle families

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *suddenly look murderous*

Bellatrix: *mutters her usual rant under her breath* Filthy Mudbloods... befouling our castle... stealing our secrets....

Lily: and, like him, hadn't had any idea that they were witches and wizards.

Lucius: And yet they're still allowed into the school! It's appalling how far downhill this establishment has gone. My father says that in the days of Phineas Nigellus, they actually cared about the purity of Wizarding blood!

Narcissa: You say that as though you're surprised one of my family cared about something so crucial!

Lily: There was so much to learn that even people like Ron didn't have much of a head start.

Lucius: That would be because he's a Weasley. His family isn't decent enough to care about teaching their children our ways!

Lily: Friday was an important day for Harry and Ron.

Sirius: They learned that the evil Muffin Queen was dead and that the world's greatest evil had at last been vanquished!

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Lily: They finally managed to find their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast without getting lost once.

Severus: No, they actually got lost sixteen times, but that's hardly the point.

Peter: Actually, if you think about it, it's not that hard. Just follow the smell of food!

James: I'm sorry to tell you this, but It's not that easy for some of us, Wormy.

Lily: "What have we got today?" Harry asked Ron

Peter: Porridge, kippers, sausage, bacon, toast....

Remus: I don't think they were talking about the breakfast, Peter.

Lily: as he poured sugar on his porridge.

James: Hey, I always eat my porridge with sugar, too! Like father, like son!

Peter: I prefer it with marmalade, myself....

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Lily: "Double Potions with the Slytherins," said Ron.

Severus: Ah, excellent. We finally get to see Potter's son put in his place.

Sirius and James: *glare at Snape*

Lily: "Snape's Head of Slytherin House.

James: *leaps to his feet* WHAT THE HELL?!

Remus: James, calm down!

James: DON'T TELL ME TO BE CALM! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THEY GOT THAT SLIMY GIT TEACHING CHILDREN, BUT TO HAVE HIM BE HEAD OF HOUSE?! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD?

Severus: *is actually looking rather proud of himself, despite-- or perhaps because of-- James's little meltdown*

Lucius: *smirks* Congratulations, Severus. It looks like you'll be going places when you're older.

James: *fumes*

Lily: They say he always favors them--

James: I don't doubt that, you greasy scumbag.... *glares at Snape*

Lily: we'll be able to see if it's true."

Sirius: Of course it's true! I can't see Snape not favoring his own House! That prat has no sense of fairness!

Lily: "Wish McGonagall favored us, " said Harry.

Bellatrix: *indignantly* The entire school favors the Gryffindors, including McGonagall! They need someone to put them in their place!

Severus: Believe me, Bellatrix, I'm more than happy to do the job.

Lily: Professor McGonagall was Head of Gryffindor House,

Narcissa: And she panders to them as badly as any of the teachers.

Lily: but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before.

Bellatrix: *sarcastically* Oh, homework! Those poor wittle fings, how could they ever have survived such despicable treatment? Ha! I bet she gave them twenty points each just for finishing it while lauding every sentence just because it was written by some idiot with red on the trim of their robes!

Lucius: Well, to be fair, it is something of a miracle that half the House is can even write at all....

Lily: Just then, the mail arrived.

Sirius: Closely followed by the female.

Lily: Harry had gotten used to this by now,

James: If I hadn't died, he'd have already been used to it.

Lily: *sighs* but it had given him a bit of a shock on the first morning,

Remus: Frightened me a bit, too, I admit. I'm used to owls delivering the post, but that many of them at once was a bit overwhelming.

Peter: And what if one accidentally drops a heavy parcel on someone's head, or a flying letter catches somebody across the throat?

Sirius: Peter, you take after your mother entirely too much with all this worrying.

Peter: Do not!

Lily: when about a hundred owls

Bellatrix: There are far more than a hundred owls at Hogwarts. Try about 840, give or take a few.

Lily: had suddenly streamed into the Great Hall during breakfast,

Severus: Yes, that is when all the students are gathered during the mornings.

Lily: circling the tables until they saw their owners,

Bellatrix: And Sirius, oddly enough, they are capable of finding their owners without them jumping up and down, waving their arms and generally making an ass out of themselves. *snickers evilly*

Sirius: I only did that once!

Lily: and dropping letters and packages onto their laps.

Peter: And surprisingly, not on their heads. Really, why hasn't anyone had their head crushed by a falling package?

Lily: Hedwig hadn't brought Harry anything so far.

Remus: Probably because he hasn't made a whole lot of Wizarding friends yet. Don't look so pissed off, James, it's true. So far, he only has Hagrid, who knows better than to interrupt during classes, and Ron, who's always by his side and can just speak to tell him anything that he needs to tell him.

Lily: She sometimes flew in to nibble his ear

Sirius: And you guys still claim there aren't any interspecies relations going on here?

Lily: and have a bit of toast

Remus: That's not proper food for a raptor. It's surprising she hasn't gotten sick from it by now.

Lily: before going off to sleep in the Owlery with the other school owls.

Peter: Good night, Hedwig! ... er... good morning rather....

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Lily: This morning, however, she fluttered down between the marmalade and the sugar bowl and dropped

Sirius: An owl pellet into Harry's pumpkin juice.

Peter: That's another thing we should be more careful about with the owls!

Lily: a note onto Harry's plate.

Remus: Well. Maybe Hagrid has written to him.

Sirius: It could be one of us saying he doesn't have to go back to the Dursleys in the summer!

Remus: Wouldn't we have waited until later in the year to do that? I know I would.

Lily: Harry tore it open at once. It said, in a very untidy scrawl:

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Hagrid.

Lucius: Probably assisted by someone else. I wouldn't put it past that idiot to be incapable of writing on his own.

Lily: Dear Harry, I know you get Friday afternoons off,

Sirius: They do? Why don't we get Friday afternoons off?

Remus: I guess that's new somewhere in the next twenty years.

Sirius: That is not fair.

Nightwing: *grins and says in a deep, sultry British accent, trying to sound like David Bowie but failing miserably because I'm a girl* You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is.

Remus: Good God, Nightwing, do you ever stop quoting Labyrinth?

Nightwing: When I have such a perfect setup? No. No, I don't.

Lily: so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three?

James: Just don't eat his biscuits! I found a bloody claw in mine the other day....

Peter: I like his rock cakes, though.

Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, and Nightwing: *give Peter weird looks*

Lily: I want to hear all about your first week.

James: So do we, and we're not finished quite yet.

Sirius: Yeah, Harry still has to survive a class with Snivellus.

Lily: Send us an answer back with Hedwig.

Bellatrix: "Us?"

Narcissa: I suppose he means his newest pets.

Lucius: A chimaera, perhaps?

Severus: Fortunate for him that Potter has six and a half more books to survive. We know he won't be too badly mauled.

Lily: Hagrid

Lucius: Of course. Who else would include his pet monsters when inviting someone for tea?

Lily: Harry borrowed Ron's quill,

Remus: That's a bit lazy of him. Why doesn't he get his own after his bag?

Lily: scribbled Yes, please, see you later on the back of the note,

Remus: As well as a bit of his own parchment and a longer, more thought-out response?

Sirius: Moony, build a bridge, build a bridge.

Lily: and sent Hedwig off again.

Peter: I hope she gets a good long sleep in the Owlery after this, she must be tired!

James: Don't worry, Hagrid's hut's not too far. She'll be fine.

Lily: It was lucky that Harry had tea with Hagrid to look forward to,

Sirius: I wouldn't look forward to that too much. Hagrid may be good company, but the food he makes is terrible.

Nightwing: *singing* Chilly down with the fire gang, good times, baaaad food! *stops, grinning* Not only am I singing again, but I'm quoting Labyrinth at the same time!

Bellatrix: *twitches*

Remus: *shrugs* At least she's not quoting Jareth. She fancies him to the point where it's rather frightening.

Lily: because the Potions lesson turned out to be the worst thing that had happened to him so far.

James: Why am I not surprised? *glares furiously at Severus*

Severus: Just because I don't lick his shoes like every other teacher in this school doesn't mean I treat him too unbearably. You just don't like the thought of your son not being worshipped!

Lily: At the start-of-term banquet, Harry had gotten the idea that Professor Snape disliked him.

Severus: And he was quite right! Someone in this bloody place has to....

Lily: By the end of the first Potions lesson, he knew he'd been wrong.

Severus: ... wait, what?

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter: What?

Lily: Snape didn't dislike Harry--

Severus: Of course I dislike Harry! I loathe the brat for taking after the disgusting pig he calls his father.

Lily: he hated him.

Sirius: I should have known. *glares at Severus*

Severus: A vast improvement. I think I may have had to kill myself if I started to treat Potter the way everyone else does!

Lily: Potions lessons took place down in one of the dungeons.

Lucius: I've always wondered about that. Wouldn't potions stew better if kept in a warmer space?

Severus: No. If they aren't kept cold, most potions ingredients will rot before they're even used. The cold is much better for storage.

Lily: It was colder here than up in the main castle,

Remus: I find it's not too bad if you keep close to your cauldron.

Lily: and would have been quite creepy enough

Sirius: Because you've got Snivellus standing in front of you, oozing grease all over everything.

Lily: without the pickled animals floating in glass jars all around the walls.

Narcissa: Um... ew.

Severus: They're quite useful in the right potions, but they need to stew somewhere. I suppose I ran out of space in my office.

Lily: Snape, like Flitwick, started the class by taking the roll call,

Bellatrix: Really, have you ever known a teacher not to take roll the first class?

Lily: and like Flitwick, he paused at Harry's name.

James: I'm guessing it wasn't to squeak excitedly, though.

Severus: Why does this book keep comparing me to Flitwick?

Lily: "Ah, yes," he said softly, "Harry Potter. Our new--celebrity."

James: You'd better believe it, greaseball.

Severus: I do believe it, Potter, I just don't glorify him like everyone else does. Certainly, as his father, you realize how unhealthy it is for him to develop a head as swelled as yours.

James: Don't you dare pretend to be concerned for my son's well being!

Lily: Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind their hands.

Lucius: Ah, just wait until Potter really gets what's coming to him, my son. Then you can laugh all you want.

Narcissa: And don't try to hide it! He deserves to be taken down a few pegs-- laugh openly!

Lily: Snape finished calling the names and looked up at the class.

Severus: Shouldn't I be looking down, as I'm standing and they're sitting?

Bellatrix: Never mind the fact that you're a Slytherin. That alone entitles you to look down on at least half the class!

Lily: His eyes were black like Hagrid's,

Severus: First Flitwick, now Hagrid! Compare me with someone who doesn't make me nauseous, will you?

Lily: but they had none of Hagrid's warmth.

James: I should bloody well think not. Having warmth in your eyes requires having a heart and a soul. Sadly, Snivellus, you seem to lack both.

Lily: They were cold

Remus: We got that when it said they didn't have any warmth.

Lily: and empty

Severus: Wouldn't that mean I was dead?

Sirius: Well, you're pale and dirty enough to pass for a corpse.

Lily: and made you think of dark tunnels.

Peter: Is there a light at the end?

Sirius and James: *make a big show of examining Severus's eyes*

Sirius: Can't see a thing.

James: Don't go towards it if you do!

Severus: Get off of me, you twits!

Lily: "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potionmaking," he began.

Remus: You know, if you think about it, Potions is essentially Home Economics-- a class Muggles take to learn to cook.

Severus: You would think that, Lupin.

Lily: He spoke in barely more than a whisper,

James: But all that will change once he sees Harry and starts yelling at him for breathing wrong.

Lily: but they caught every word--

Lucius: Impressive, Severus. Not many teachers can do that.

Lily: like Professor McGonagall,

Severus: Not again! Tell me I'm like Dumbledore or something!

Lily: Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort.

Sirius: They're all dead scared that he'll drip grease on them if they talk.

Lily: "As there is little foolish wand-waving here,

Sirius: Oi, wand waving isn't foolish. Without it, we couldn't hex you nearly as well!

Severus: What do you think turned me against it?

Lily: many of you will hardly believe this is magic.

Remus: Actually, if you think about it, it wouldn't be hard for Muggles to do. All they'd need to do is mix the right ingredients together in the right order.

Bellatrix: Don't they steal enough of our secrets as it is?!

Lily: I don't expect you will really understand the beauty

Remus: I don't exactly call it beautiful.

Lily: of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes,

Sirius: Jesus Christ, Snape, you need to get laid.

Severus: *glares*

Lily: the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins,

Sirius: You really need to get laid.

Lily: bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses....

Sirius: *opens his mouth*

Severus: Don't you dare say it, Black! Potions are more seductive than any woman, and they can't run off and leave you for another.

Sirius: Yeah, clearly you haven't gotten any. Ever.

Lily: *looks slightly guilty* I can teach you how to bottle fame,

James: My son doesn't need it.

Lily: brew glory,

Sirius: If you could really brew glory, you'd whip some up for yourself, greaseball.

James: I think he'd need to whip up some shampoo first.

Lily: even stopper death--

Bellatrix: Putting a stopper in death isn't difficult! It's called poison.

Lily: if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads

Lucius: *glances at Severus* You really like that word, don't you?

Lily: as I usually have to teach."

Severus: As this class contains a Potter and a Longbottom, I have very little hope.

Lily: More silence followed this little speech.

Severus: I should hope so. Students shouldn't speak unless spoken to directly by the teacher.

James: Really, who the bloody hell thought letting this git teach children was a good idea?

Lily: Harry and Ron exchanged looks with raised eyebrows.

Remus: I don't blame them. A speech like that would worry me, too!

Lily: Hermione Granger

Peter: Never, ever shuts up.

Lily: was on the edge of her seat and looked desperate to start proving that she wasn't a dunderhead.

Severus: She's in luck, then. I know she's not a dunderhead. Quite the opposite, really-- she's an insufferable know-it-all who needs to shut up and stop showing off the fact that she has absolutely no life.

Narcissa: There seems to be very little gray area with you, doesn't there?

Lily: "Potter!" said Snape suddenly.

James: Oh, good Lord, here it goes....

Lily: "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Bellatrix: The Draught of Living Death, of course! An excellent way to make sure your enemies never wake up. *smirks*

Lily: Powdered root of what to an infusion of what?

Severus: Asphodel and wormwood, dunce!

James: Do you expect the poor boy to memorize everything in his schoolbooks?!

Severus: I should expect him to retain something, but apparently, that's too much to ask, isn't it?

Lily: Harry glanced at Ron, who looked as stumped as he was;

Lucius: Naturally. He's a Weasley-- it would be a miracle if he knew enough to even open his textbook over the summer!

Lily: Hermione's hand had shot into the air.

Sirius: No surprises there.

Lily: "I don't know, sir," said Harry.

James: You tell him, Harry!

Lily: Snape's lips curled into a sneer.

James: Don't you sneer at my son, you great foul prat!

Lily: "Tut, tut--fame clearly isn't everything."

Narcissa: It's good that someone finally noticed that.

Lily: He ignored Hermione's hand.

Narcissa: Again, good that someone finally stopped her from flaunting her obnoxious overabundance of knowledge.

Lily: "Let's try again.

Lucius: That's quite generous of you, Severus.

James: Generous my arse. He's only trying to humiliate him more.

Nightwing: I will not quote Labyrinth, I will not quote Labyrinth, I will not quote Labyrinth, I will not quote Labyrinth....

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Lily: Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"

James: Up your arse.

Severus: Last I checked, Potter, I wasn't a goat.

Nightwing: I could fix that!

Severus: No thank you. Anyway, there's no way you could get to my stomach that was if I was a goat.

Lily: Hermione stretched her hand as high into the air as it would go without her leaving her seat,

Bellatrix: Shut up, you unendurable braggart!

Lily: but Harry didn't have the faintest idea what a bezoar was.

Remus: An easy O in Potions when you don't know what to do during the antidote lesson.

Severus: No one will get out of their work so easily in my class. Slughorn's, perhaps, but I know better than to allow students to shirk their work like that!

Lily: He tried not to look at Malfoy,

Sirius: Most people do with the current model of Malfoy.

Lucius: *glares at Sirius*

Narcissa and Nightwing: I don't!

Narcissa: *glares at Nightwing*

Nightwing: *smiles innocently*

Lily: Crabbe, and Goyle, who were shaking with laughter.

Lucius: Laughing at the humiliation of those below them. I do so love my son.

Narcissa: So do I!

Lily: "I don't know, sir."

Severus: Idiot boy!

Lily: "Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?"

James: Of course he did! No one sane memorizes every detail!

Lily: Harry forced himself to keep looking straight into those cold eyes.

Peter: Good idea. Wild Snapes can smell your fear.

Severus: *glares*

Lily: He had looked through his books at the Dursleys',

James: See? See?!

Lily: but did Snape expect him to remember everything in One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi?

Severus: They're mentioned multiple times in Magical Drafts and Potions, as well! You'd think something like that would sink into the boy's brain, inferior though it may be!

Lily: Snape was still ignoring Hermione's quivering hand.

Severus: Because once again, I'm the only one who sees these dolts for what they really are.

Lily: "What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

Peter: Ooh, I know this one! They're the same thing, and it's also called aconite!

Severus: *sourly* Good job, Pettigrew. Ten points for you.

Peter: *gasps hopefully* Really?!

Severus: No.

Peter: *sulks*

Lily: At this, Hermione stood up,

Narcissa: She's a bit desperate to be noticed, isn't she?

Bellatrix: *coos mockingly* Poor wittle bitty baby Mudblood....

Lily: her hand stretching toward the dungeon ceiling.

Peter: She didn't touch it, though, did she?

Remus: I don't know, the dungeon ceilings are pretty low....

Lily: "I don't know," said Harry quietly.

Lucius: That boy is hopeless. Potter, Evans, you must be so proud.

James: Shut up, Malfoy.

Lily: *frowns* "I think Hermione does, though, why don't you try her?"

Sirius: You tell him, Harry!

Lily: A few people laughed;

Severus: Cheeking a teacher is not funny.

Sirius: Are you sure you're not a pureblood? You've got that annoying supremacy thing going for you at any rate....

Lily: Harry caught Seamus's eye, and Seamus winked.

Sirius: Gotta love that Irish kid!

Lily: Snape, however, was not pleased.

Severus: I should ruddy well think not.

Lily: "Sit down," he snapped at Hermione.

Bellatrix: Yes, do everyone a favor and stop drawing attention to yourself!

Lily: "For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death.

James: And one of these days, someone's going to slip it into your pumpkin juice to shut you up for a while.

Lily: A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat

Sirius: Or from up Snivellus's arse.

Lily: and it will save you from most poisons.

Remus: The key word here being most.

Lily: As for monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite.

Peter: Ooh! I was right! I was right!

Narcissa: Good job, Pettigrew. Such a pity it'll never happen again.

Lily: Well? Why aren't you all copying that down?"

Sirius: Because you're not supposed to learn half of that in detail until about sixth year!

Lily: There was a sudden rummaging for quills and parchment.

James: *sarcastically* Excellent teaching strategy, Snivellus. Intimidation. Good for you.

Lily: Over the noise, Snape said, "And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter."

James: WHAT?! You were totally asking for that, you greasy git!

Remus: Relax, Prongs. It's only one point. We've done loads worse.

Lily: Things didn't improve for the Gryffindors as the Potions lesson continued.

Sirius: Why does that not surprise me? *glares at Severus*

Lily: Snape put them all into pairs

James: If I hear you so much as think of putting my son with Malfoy's....

Lucius: I can't imagine he would. There's a difference between wanting to deflate your son's ego and wanting our sons to kill each other. Draco's got a point to his existence, and hope to be favored, remember?

Lily: and set them to mixing up a simple potion to cure boils.

Remus: It's not that simple. I had the hardest time stewing those slugs....

Lily: He swept around in his long black cloak,

Sirius: You need some color in your wardrobe like mad, Snivellus.

James: I think we should take care of that for him.

Nightwing: What is this, Marauder Eye for the Snape Guy?

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Lucius: Let me guess. Some Muggle future rubbish?

Nightwing: Good job, Lucy-poo, you're learning!

Lucius: *glares at Nightwing* Don't call me that.

Lily: watching them weigh dried nettles and crush snake fangs,

Peter: That took forever. Those snake fangs are hard!

Lily: criticizing almost everyone

Narcissa: I like that almost in there. *grins*

Lily: except Malfoy, whom he seemed to like.

Narcissa: I really like that almost in there!

Lucius: Good to know that you have good taste, Severus.

Severus: Naturally. *smirks at Lucius*

Lily: He was just telling everyone to look at the perfect way Malfoy had stewed his horned slugs

James: Harry's going to show everyone the perfect way to bash Snape over the head with his own cauldron in about ten seconds....

Lily: when clouds of acid green smoke and a loud hissing filled the dungeon.

Remus: Oh, dear, that can't be good....

Lily: Neville

Bellatrix: I should have known he would screw up. He takes after his parents, of course!

Lily: had somehow managed to melt Seamus's cauldron into a twisted blob,

Severus: That can happen if you add the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire! Idiot boy!

Lily: and their potion was seeping across the stone floor,

Remus: That's definitely not good. *winces* Even I didn't mess up that badly.

Lily: burning holes in people's shoes.

Peter: And probably more than one person's feet. Ouch.

Lily: Within seconds, the whole class was standing on their stools

Sirius: Good thinking! And you say Gryffindors aren't smart.

Narcissa: What happens when the potion eats away at the legs of the stools?

Sirius: *glares, annoyed at his glee being ruined*

Lily: while Neville, who had been drenched in the potion when the cauldron collapsed,

Peter: *winces* Poor Neville, that's got to hurt!

Bellatrix: He deserves it, the worthless spawn of two Hufflepuffs!

Sirius: What an insult!

Bellatrix: Shut up, Sirius.

Lily: moaned in pain as angry red boils sprang up all over his arms and legs.

James: Well, that's a bit ironic, really, as the potion was meant to cure boils.

Lily: "Idiot boy!" snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wand.

Sirius: Good job, Snivellus, make yourself useful for once.

Severus: *glares at Sirius*

Lily: "I suppose you added the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire?"

Severus: Naturally, as that's the only way you can completely reverse the effect of the potion. Imbecile!

James: It was an honest mistake! Leave the kid alone, will you?

Lily: Neville whimpered as boils started to pop up all over his nose.

Bellatrix: *snickers evilly* Oh, how I love seeing blood traitors in pain, especially when it's their own doing!

Lily: "Take him up to the hospital wing," Snape spat at Seamus.

Bellatrix: Or you could just leave him to suffer.

Severus: I suppose I quite like having a job and don't want to jeopardize it for one little twit, incompetent as he is.

Lily: Then he rounded on Harry and Ron,

James: What the bloody hell did they do?!

Lily: who had been working next to Neville.

James: So?! How is that a good reason to tell him off?!

Lily: "You--Potter--why didn't you tell him not to add the quills?

Sirius: Maybe because he was busy working on his own potion, you slimy bastard?! Didn't you think that maybe he's got better things to do than baby-sit his friends?!

Lily: Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you?

James: Of course he didn't! What do you think he is, a Malfoy?!

Lucius: Watch it, Potter. We don't need to waste our time doing such trivial things in order to look good.

Lily: That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."

James: *sputters incoherently for a moment, then lunges at Snape*

Severus: *tries to kick James off, but James is a lot stronger*

James: *holds Severus down with one hand while trying to throttle him with the other*

Nightwing: *types on her laptop, and James goes flying across the room* Can we keep the violence out of my MST, please?! Yes, Snape is a biased, disgusting, scumbag with bad hygiene and worse morals, but you don't get to kill him. *types again, and James is immobilized in his beanbag chair, unable to move anything but his mouth*

Severus: *massages his throat, where large purple bruises in the shape of James's fingers are blossoming*

Lily: Are you all right, Sev?

Severus: *nods irritably* Just read.

Lily: This was so unfair that Harry opened his mouth to argue,

James: *furiously* Don't just argue with him, son, hex him within an inch of his life. He deserves it.

Lily: but Ron kicked him behind their cauldron.

Severus: I don't need Weasleys to stick up for me, thanks.

Lily: "Don't push it," he muttered,

Sirius: Snape is pushing it far enough! Doesn't Harry have the right to stick up for himself?!

Lucius: Apparently not, and, if he takes after his father, it's just as well.

Lily: "I've heard Snape can turn very nasty."

Sirius: Turn very nasty? Snape's very nasty to begin with!

James: In every sense of the word.

Severus: Excuse me, I'm not the one trying to strangle someone else over one measly point that's not even taken for another twenty years, am I?

Lily: As they climbed the steps out of the dungeon an hour later,

Peter: Not a moment too soon! *edges away from James, Sirius, and their murderous expressions*

Lily: Harry's mind was racing

Peter: Like the Kentucky Derby!

Remus, Lily, Lucius, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Nightwing: *give Peter weird looks*

Sirius, James, and Severus: *still glaring daggers at each other*

Peter: Come on, guys, can't I even get stared at when you're angry?

Lily: and his spirits were low.

Peter: One of the ghosts should bring them up towards the ceiling-- that would help! Get it? Raise his spirits?

Sirius, James, and Severus: *still looking at each other like they're going to kill each other*

Peter: Please laugh? Smile? Stop trying to kill each other? Please?

Lily: He'd lost two points for Gryffindor in his very first week--

Remus: That's not too bad. How many did we lose, Padfoot? Prongs?

James: *brightening instantly* Twenty, I think.

Sirius: A record to be proud of!

Severus: Only you two would be proud of being disgraces to your House.

Sirius and James: *go right back to glaring at Severus* Shut it, Snivellus.

Peter: Dammit, so close!

Lily: why did Snape hate him so much?

Lucius: Because he's a Potter and, contrary to popular belief, not everyone needs to revere them like they're some sort of god. Treating him like a normal human is not the same as hating him!

Severus: Exactly. And you would do well to remember it, Potter!

James: And this, of course, explains exactly why you favor Malfoy's brat so heavily.

Lucius: *smugly* Of course it does. Unlike yours, my family isn't a group of blood traitors, which means that my family actually deserves to be highly thought of.

Lily: "Cheer up," said Ron,

Peter: *looks over at Sirius and James* Yeah, guys, cheer up! Please!

Lily: "Snape's always taking points off Fred and George.

Sirius: Probably because they remind him of us.

James: Let's hope they have the sense to jinx him when he walks past.

Remus: Would you do that to a teacher?

Sirius: If it was Snape?

Sirius and James: Absolutely!

Lily: Can I come and meet Hagrid with you?"

Peter: The more the merrier!

Bellatrix: Yes, they can offer Hagrid's monster collection more food.

Narcissa: I do hope they don't care for their limbs too much....

Lily: At five to three they left the castle and made their way across the grounds.

Lucius: Until a huge chimaera leapt out and devoured the Weasley brat whole. Harry had just enough time to register that he had, in fact, found Hagrid's miserable little hovel, before he went the exact same way as his friend.

Lily: Hagrid lived in a small wooden house on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

Bellatrix: Which makes it something of a miracle that he hasn't burned it down yet.

Narcissa: I'd call it an anathema, myself, especially as it hasn't taken that great oaf down!

Lily: A crossbow

Lucius: Who uses crossbows any more?

Bellatrix: Especially when you can use a simple Avada Kedavra to ward off attackers. It's much less messy.

Lily: and a pair of galoshes were outside the front door.

Narcissa: I think Hagrid has bigger problems to worry about than a little mud on his floor.

Bellatrix: Especially as he doesn't have a proper floor-- only dirt.

Lily: When Harry knocked they heard a frantic scrabbling from inside

Peter: Run, Harry! Run away! It might eat you!

Lily: and several booming barks.

Sirius: *perks up* Puppy?

Lily: Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying, "Back, Fang--back."

Lucius: I don't think a Cerberus would much appreciate being treated like a domesticated dog.

Narcissa: What makes you think it's a Cerberus?

Lucius: This is Hagrid we're talking about, Cissa, dear.

Narcissa: Oh. Right, of course.

Lily: Hagrid's big, hairy

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something*

Remus: Yes, thank you, Sirius. We don't need to hear it.

Sirius: *closes his mouth*

Lily: face appeared in the crack

Sirius: That could also sound rather dodgy if you think about it.

Lily: as he pulled

Sirius: Down his pants.

Remus: Shut up, Sirius. Must you make something dirty out of everything?

Sirius: *proudly* Yes, I must!

Lily: the door open.

Sirius: *sighs in defeat* This book is so boring.

Lily: "Hang on," he said.

Bellatrix: For dear life, knowing Hagrid.

Lily: "Back, Fang." He let them in, struggling to keep a hold on the collar of an enormous

Sirius: Puppy!

Lily: black boarhound.

Lucius: With three heads.

Remus: Aren't Cerberuses usually Dobermans or German Shepherds?

Lucius: Oh, they can be any breed of dog. My father told me about one in France that was a giant, three-headed Bichon Frise.

Bellatrix: *snickers* How intimidating!

Lily: There was only one room inside.

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *snicker uncontrollably*

James: What's so funny?

Bellatrix: One room! What kind of failure do you have to be to have one room in your house?! *cracks up again*

Lily: Hams and pheasants were hanging from the ceiling,

Peter: Yum.... Good to know Hagrid isn't starving.

Remus: Now we know what he does with the crossbow.

Lily: a copper kettle

Sirius, James, and Peter: Why not gold?

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *at the same time* Why not silver?

Nightwing: *also at the same time* Why not bronze?

Remus: Well, he's not exactly wealthy enough to afford any of that, is he?

Lily: was boiling on the open fire,

Nightwing: *gets that all-too familiar look in her eyes* Hehehehe....

All except Nightwing: *edge away from Nightwing*

Lily: and in the corner stood a massive bed

Sirius: Just the size for one hell of an orgy!

Lucius: Shut up, Black.

Lily: with a patchwork quilt over it.

Narcissa: How quaint.

Nightwing: Honestly, it's like Little House on the Prairie-- yes, it's a Muggle reference-- more than the home of a half-giant who keeps things like dragons and acromantulas in his house.

Bellatrix: He keeps a dragon in a wooden house?

Lily: "Make yerselves at home," said Hagrid,
Sirius: And they did, diving straight for the bed and tearing each others' robes off. "Oi! Not like that!" cried Hagrid.

James: He watched for a second, and had a thought. "Unless I can join in, too, o' course." "'Course you can," panted Harry, sweaty-faced from how hard Ron was coming down on him

Sirius: Then, after a few lust-filled minutes, Fang, too, bounded onto the bed--

Remus: And that's enough out of you two!

Lily: letting go of Fang, who bounded straight at Ron

Lucius: That dog has atrocious taste.

Lily: and started licking his ears.

Sirius: Before moving on lower....

Remus: *starting to get irritated with this idiot* And that's gone far enough.

Lily: Like Hagrid, Fang was clearly not as fierce as he looked.

Bellatrix: They say that now. What happens when it shows where it got its name from?

Lily: "This is Ron," Harry told Hagrid, who was

Sirius: Instantly besotted by the beautiful redhead....

Nightwing: Can't say I blame him. Rupert Grint is cute!

All except Nightwing: Who?

Nightwing: Never mind.

Lily: pouring boiling water into a large teapot

Remus: Let's hope he doesn't forget to add tea bags. He's done that a fair few times.

Lily: and putting rock cakes onto a plate.

Sirius: Run away, Harry! Don't eat them!

Peter: Even I don't like his rock cakes!

James: And that's saying something.

Lily: "Another Weasley, eh?" said Hagrid, glancing at Ron's freckles.

James: No, he's a Malfoy.

Lucius: Don't even joke, Potter. No one with red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford will ever be allowed to claim kinship with my family!

Sirius: Which is a real shame because technically, we're all related by marriage.

Lucius: They've been disowned, and you know it. Shut up, Black.

Lily: I spent half me life chasin' yer twin brothers away from the forest."

Sirius: The twins are only in their fifth year, aren't they?

Peter: So Hagrid's only ten years old twenty years from now? I thought he was older than us!

Remus: Don't you think you're taking this story a little too literally? He's exaggerating!

Lily: The rock cakes were shapeless lumps with raisins that almost broke their teeth,

James: I think they might not actually be raisins. Someone needs to tell Hagrid that you don't make rock cakes with real rocks.

Lily: but Harry and Ron pretended to be enjoying them

Sirius: They're much nicer people than we are.

Severus: Isn't everyone?

Lily: as they told Hagrid all about their first lessons.

James: And how Snivellus the Greaseball horribly abuses my son?

Severus: I repeat, just because I don't grovel at his feet does not mean--

Nightwing: Aaaand let's not start this again. Read, Lily.

Lily: Fang rested his head on Harry's knee and drooled all over his robes.

Narcissa: *winces* And that's exactly why I hate dogs.

Lucius: I'll be sure that we have much cleaner pets in our mansion?

Narcissa: What do you have in mind?

Bellatrix: Chimaeras, of course.

Lucius: *glowers at her* Peacocks, perhaps?

Nightwing: *snickers behind her hand*

Lily: Harry and Ron were delighted to hear Hagrid call Filch "that old git."

Remus: So are we, to be quite honest.

Sirius: *gasps theatrically* Remus Lupin the almighty prefect, on the wrong side of Argus Filch, caretaker extraordinare?

James: *clutches his heart melodramatically* Say it isn't so! Oh, dear Lord, I think the room is spinning!

Remus: Shut up, the pair of you.

Lily: "An' as fer that cat, Mrs. Norris, I'd like ter

Sirius: Stew her in a vat of her own blood? Especially if she's as much like Mr. Whiskers as it looks like she is.

All except Sirius and Bellatrix: *edge away from Sirius*

Bellatrix: You know, sometimes I almost feel like admitting you're related to me!

Sirius: Fat chance.

Lily: introduce her to Fang sometime.

Peter: Let's hope he uses those fangs on her!

Lily: D'yeh know, every time I go up ter the school, she follows me everywhere.

Bellatrix: Aww, does the wittle kitty cat have a crush on the big half-bweed?

Narcissa: The overgrown moron had better hope that Filch doesn't get too jealous!

Lily: Can't get rid of her--

Lucius: She must be suspicious, and I don't blame her. The idiot can't keep his mouth shut about anything of importance.

Lily: Filch puts her up to it."

Bellatrix: So maybe she's not in love. Lucius is probably right, in that case. Apparently Filch isn't sure Dumbledore can trust him.

Lily: Harry told Hagrid about Snape's lesson.

James: *eye twitches*

Sirius: *growls furiously*

Severus: Oh, shut up. How many times must I say that he deserved it?

Lily: Hagrid, like Ron, told Harry not to worry about it,

Remus: I must say, I kind of agree with them on this one. Snape hates you, James, what makes you think he'll treat your son any differently?

James: So he's punishing my son to get back at me for stuff that happened twenty years before any of this? Quite apart from the fact that I'm dead now....

Lily: that Snape liked hardly any of the students.

Sirius: I bet the ones he does like are all Slytherins, the git.

Lucius: And, naturally, the list, short as it is, includes my son.

Lily: "But he seemed to really hate me."

Severus: *clearly getting tired of all this* If it makes you feel better to think so, Potter, then yes, I do loathe you with every fiber of my being and I wish the Dark Lord had killed you on that All Hallow's Eve ten years before this.

James: *whispers to Sirius* Who the hell calls it All Hallow's Eve?

Sirius: *shrugs*

Lily: "Rubbish!" said Hagrid. "Why should he?"

Peter: Because he's James's son, isn't that enough of a reason? Anybody could tell you that!

Narcissa: Clearly, because you just did. Everyone knows you're not perceptive by any means.

Lily: Yet Harry couldn't help thinking that Hagrid didn't quite meet his eyes when he said that.

Lucius: Now we know the others are right. If it's so obvious that even Hagrid picks up on it--!

Lily: "How's yer brother Charlie?"

Remus: Well, that was a rather abrupt change of subject.

Lily: Hagrid asked Ron.

Bellatrix: *sarcastically* No, really? And here I was thinking he was talking to Fang!

Sirius: It's all right, Bella, just take your time.

Lily: "I liked him a lot--

Lucius: Typical. A half-breed and a Weasley. And you wonder why we think they're so inferior! Honestly, two members of the family fraternizing with a half-giant... and I thought that family could sink no lower....

Lily: great

Sirius: In bed.

Lily: with animals."

Sirius: He was great in bed with animals? How kinky!

Remus: Shut up, Sirius. Just shut up.

Lily: Harry wondered if Hagrid had changed the subject on purpose.

Narcissa: *sarcastically* No, Merlin, of course he didn't! How could you ever think such a thing?

Lily: While Ron told Hagrid all about Charlie's work with dragons,

James: That ought to keep Hagrid busy for a good while, knowing how much he loves dragons.

Lily: Harry picked up a piece of paper that was lying on the table under the tea cozy.

Bellatrix: And it proved to be not an ordinary piece of paper, but an enchanted one that proceeded to rip Harry to shreds before the horrified eyes of Ron and Hagrid.

Narcissa: Now we know why it was under the tea cozy!

Lily: It was a cutting from the Daily Prophet:

Bellatrix: CORNELIUS FUDGE ASSASSINATED.

Narcissa: *grins at her husband-to-be* LUCIUS MALFOY CHOSEN AS NEW MINISTER OF MAGIC.

Lucius: *smirks* What a Wizarding world that would be....

Lily: GRINGOTTS BREAK-IN LATEST

Severus: I hate it when headlines include "latest." It usually means they haven't learned anything new since the day before.

Lily: Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts on 31 July,

Narcissa: Oddly enough, we figured that out ourselves from the headline.

Lily: widely believed to be the work of Dark wizards or witches unknown.

Sirius: So we can cross off Bella, Lucius, Narcissa, and Snivellus.

Bellatrix: As if any one of us would be fool enough to try and get around Gringotts!

Lily: Gringotts goblins today insisted that nothing had been taken.

Nightwing: But their oh-so-sexy King had to translate, because very few of the things actually speak proper English.

Sirius: Enough of the Labyrinth, Nightwing, good Lord!

Nightwing: That movie is amazing. Why can't you see how amazing it is?

Lily: The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied the same day.

James: Because someone somewhere had impeccable timing!

Lily: "But we're not telling you what was in there,

Remus: Which probably means it was important.

Peter: The title of the book, maybe? This Sorcerer's Stone thing?

Remus: Could be.

Lily: so keep your noses out if you know what's good for you,"

Sirius: *chuckles* Gotta love those goblins. They're always so blunt.

Lily: said a Gringotts spokesgoblin this afternoon.

Nightwing: Holy crap, Wizarding reporters do their work quickly.

Lily: Harry remembered Ron telling him on the train that someone had tried to rob Gringotts,

Severus: Congratulations. Potter's son can remember things that happened but a week ago.

Lily: but Ron hadn't mentioned the date.

Lucius: Leaving room for this ever so important development.

Lily: "Hagrid!" said Harry, "that Gringotts break-in happened on my birthday!

Sirius: Which would mean James finally got some on Halloween. So much seems to happen to Harry on that day....

Lily: *face turns as red as her hair when Sirius mentions James "getting some"* It might've been happening while we were there!"

Bellatrix: Or directly after they left. Harry isn't exactly the center of the universe-- who says he has to be around whenever something important happens?

James: Because he's the hero of this story?

Lily: There was no doubt about it, Hagrid definitely didn't meet Harry's eyes this time.

Remus: So this is important! Peter, I think you might have been right about this being the Sorcerer's Stone!

Lily: He grunted

Sirius: He's turning into Vernon! Run for your lives!

Lily: and offered him another rock cake.

James: Doesn't that imply that he ate the first one? What is wrong with this boy?

Lily: He's related to you, isn't that enough? Harry read the story again.

Peter: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess....

Lily: The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied earlier that same day.

Remus: I'm getting an odd sense of déjà vu....

Lily: Hagrid had emptied vault seven hundred and thirteen,

Narcissa: Surely that's not the only vault that was empty? He's jumping to conclusions, I think.

Lucius: Somehow, I don't think so, darling. As much as I hate to say it, Potter's son is the main character in this story. It'd be a bit dull if the important things didn't happen to him.

Lily: if you could call it emptying, taking out that grubby little package.

Remus: Well, if there was nothing in the vault after the package was taken out, it would technically be called emptying it.

Lily: Had that been what the thieves

Peter: What makes him so sure there was more than one thief?

James: Because it's physically impossible for one person to get past all the security at Gringotts?

Lily: were looking for?

Sirius: Knowing the way this story's going? Probably.

Lily: As Harry and Ron walked back to the castle for dinner,

Peter: That's much more important than your friends! *glances at Sirius, Remus, and James* Er... sorry, guys.

Sirius: That's all right, mate, we know how important your food is to you.

Lily: their pockets weighed down with rock cakes they'd been too polite to refuse,

Sirius: Chuck them straight into the lake, Harry! That way they're edible for the merpeople. I'd say Susie, too, but she doesn't exactly have a mouth.

Lily: I still can't believe you named the giant squid Susie.... Harry thought that none of the lessons he'd had so far had given him as much to think about as tea with Hagrid.

Severus: *sarcastically* I can see that this boy's grades are going to be spectacular....