The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time....

Nightwing: Anyway, it's time for a Slytherin, and, since Narcissa's the only one who hasn't read yet, I nominate her. So, Miss Black the younger, if you wouldn't mind?

Narcissa: *takes the book while touching as little of it as possible, like it's going to burn her* Chapter Seven, The Sorting Hat....

Lily: Ooh, I'm so excited! He's at Hogwarts! He's at Hogwarts!

Bellatrix: We've established that, Mudblood, now will you let my sister read so we can get out of here sometime this decade?

Lily: Fine. But only because I want to hear what happens to my son!

Narcissa: The door swung open at once.

James: Of course it did, they wouldn't want to keep the first years waiting. I know I wouldn't have wanted to just stand there my first year!

Narcissa: A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there.

Sirius and James: *shudder* McGonagall....

Remus: You know, you wouldn't need to be so afraid of her if you didn't do so many stupid things.

Sirius: But doing stupid things is what gets us through the year!

Remus: Then she's going to keep right on hating you.

Sirius: Bugger. Looks like we're out of luck, mate.

James: Speak for yourself, didn't you read about her crying because of my death?

Sirius: *immaturely sticks his tongue out at James*

Narcissa: She had a very stern face

Sirius: Bit of an understatement, really. *shudders*

Narcissa: and Harry's first thought was that this was not someone to cross.

Remus: No, she isn't, is she? Sirius? James?

Sirius and James: *anime sweatdrop faces*

Narcissa: "The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.

Severus: *sarcastically* No, really? I thought they were the seventh years....

James: It's all right, Snivelly, you take your time.

Severus: I was being sarcastic, Potter. I wouldn't be calling anyone else slow until you learn to figure that out!

Narcissa: "Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."

Remus: Did the way she says that scare anybody else out of their wits at our first year?

Lucius: It only frightened you because you're inferior and your family didn't tell you what was coming.

James: She pulled the door wide.

Sirius: As opposed to pulling it narrowly?

Narcissa: The entrance hall was so big you could have fit the whole of the Dursleys' house in it.

Bellatrix: Ugh, who would want a Muggle house in the entrance hall?

Sirius: Who would want that Muggle house in the entrance hall?

Nightwing: No one, but that's beside the point.

Narcissa: The stone walls were lit with flaming torches

Lucius: What do torches do besides flame?

Bellatrix: Nothing, really.

Sirius: Pity. They seem to lead such unfulfilling lives.

Lily: Actually, in the Muggle world, torches can be used to give light by electricity.

Nightwing: That is, if you're in the United Kingdom. In America, we call them flashlights.

Bellatrix: No one cares about the Muggle world.

Narcissa: like the ones at Gringotts,

Severus: Why does this boy feel the need to connect everything to things he's seen before?

Lily: I'm not sure it's him, actually, I think the author's using some sort of literary device. I think there's a name for it, but I can't quite recall it at the moment....

Narcissa: the ceiling was too high to make out,

Sirius: With.

James: Padfoot, that doesn't even make sense!

Sirius: Sure it does! You can make out with the ceiling! Or any inanimate object.

Bellatrix: Care to demonstrate, Sirius?

Sirius: No, Bella, as a matter of fact I don't.

Bellatrix: *smirks* Didn't think so.

Narcissa: and a magnificent marble staircase

Lucius: It's not that magnificent. My family has one just like it in our mansion.

Remus: Are you joking? That's the most amazing staircase I've ever seen!

Lucius: Only because your family's pathetic, Lupin. Unlike some people, we Malfoys can afford to have proper décor in our home.

Narcissa: facing them led to the upper floors.

Bellatrix: As most staircases on the ground floor of a building would. Stairways to subterranean levels are hardly ever so grand.

Narcissa: They followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor.

Severus: *sarcastically* No way. They used the floor? You mean they didn't float? Shocking!

Nightwing: Snape, stop being a sarcastic git or I'll turn you into a donkey for annoying me.

Severus: *irritably* Yes, Miss Authoress.

Narcissa: Harry could hear the drone of hundreds of voices from a doorway to the right--the rest of the school must already be here--

Remus: You shouldn't assume that. I mean, I know he's right, but there's a chance those voices could belong to the ghosts or portraits.

Nightwing: And that, Snivellus, is how to point out flaws in Harry's logic. I'm only too happy to let you do it to prove that the House of logic and intelligence is superior to the House of blind chivalry, but at least try to not be a prick, okay?

Severus: *irritably* Yes, Miss Authoress.

Narcissa: but Professor McGonagall showed the first years into a small, empty chamber off the hall.

Lily: I'm sure the first years would appreciate a welcoming portrait or something in there. The emptiness only serves to make you even more nervous!

Narcissa: They crowded in, standing rather closer together than they would usually have done,

Peter: There's safety in numbers!

Bellatrix: Safety from what?

Peter: *shrugs*

Narcissa: peering about nervously.

Lily: And a few encouraging decorations would do wonders to ease that nervousness.

Narcissa: "Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall.

Sirius: Now prepare to be scared out of your mind!

Narcissa: "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly,

Peter: Food....

Nightwing: I'm not giving you anything, so stop pining.

Narcissa: but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. Why is that in lower case?

Nightwing: No idea. It's only like that in this one chapter, I'm pretty sure, so you won't have to put up with it for long.

Narcissa: The Sorting is a very important ceremony because,

Bellatrix: It splits you up into the superior, the pathetic, the idiots, and the loners.

Remus: But which is which? I can figure out that you think Slytherins are superior-- which they're not, but...

Bellatrix: Hufflepuffs are pathetic, Gryffindors are brainless idiots, and have you ever seen a Ravenclaw hang around anyone but a book?

All except Bellatrix and Nightwing: *turn and look at Nightwing*

Bellatrix: I stand corrected.

Nightwing: Yep. I hang around you lot, right?

Narcissa: while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts.

Sirius: Those are some seriously dysfunctional families, then.

Narcissa: You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory,

Remus: And not in any of the others, Sirius.

Sirius: What? I like girls, is that such a crime?

Nightwing: Moving swiftly on before we have to hear about Sirius's sexcapades....

Narcissa: and spend free time in your house common room.
Lily: Not all of it, surely? Even I'll admit that would be torture. I prefer to be on the grounds or in the library. She shouldn't make generic statements like that.
Narcissa: "The four houses are called Gryffindor,

Sirius and James: *cheer* GO GRYFFINDOR! *roar like lions*

Remus, Peter, and Lily: *grin*

Narcissa: Hufflepuff,

Bellatrix: Losers.

Narcissa: Ravenclaw,

Nightwing: W00t w00t! We are eagles, hear us squawk!

Narcissa: and Slytherin.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *look at each other and grin evilly*

Sirius and James: Boooooo....

Narcissa: Each house has its own noble history

Sirius: Except Slytherin.

Lucius: *at the same time* Except Gryffindor.

Sirius: *glares at Lucius*

Lucius: *glares at Sirius*

Narcissa: and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.

Sirius: Except Slytherin.

Lucius: *at the same time* Except Gryffindor.

Sirius: *glares at Lucius*

Lucius: *glares at Sirius*

Remus: Actually, that's not true. Malfoy, Dumbledore himself was in Gryffindor, and even if you don't like him, you really must to admit that he's an amazing wizard. Sirius, Slytherin's been known to produce some wizards who aren't Dark. Like I said last chapter, Mad-Eye Moody was in Slytherin, and he's the best Auror the Minstry's ever had.

Sirius: Stop showing me up, Remus. *immaturely sticks his tongue out at Remus*

Narcissa: While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points,

Nightwing: And so will being in Gryffindor.

Narcissa: while any rulebreaking will lose house points.

Nightwing: And so will being in any other House.

Sirius: I thought you liked Gryffindors.

Nightwing: I don't have a problem with most of the people, I just think the way all the teachers fawn over you is kind of disgusting.

Remus: What do you mean?

Nightwing: Wait till the end of the book. You'll understand. I think the Slytherins might go homicidal, actually.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *shoot death glares at the Gryffindors*

Narcissa: At the end of the year, the house with the most points

Nightwing: That is, Gryffindor.

Narcissa: is awarded the house cup, a great honor.

Remus: Even though at the end of the day, all it is is a piece of metal to sit and gather dust in the trophy room for all eternity.

Sirius: Must you be so pessimistic and cheapen everything?

Narcissa: I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours.
Severus: Then again, if any of these children are anything like Potter and Black, I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were her.
Narcissa: "The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school.

James: Meanwhile, you all get to stand here in this empty room and be terrified out of your wits.

Narcissa: I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."

Nightwing: That way you can be in the best House and not the default House of blatant favoritism!

Remus: That's not what it means by smarten, Nightwing.

Nightwing: I know, but it made me feel better.

Narcissa: Her eyes lingered for a moment on Neville's cloak, which was fastened under his left ear,

Peter: Poor Neville. Even McGonagall doesn't like him.

Narcissa: and on Ron's smudged nose. Why do people keep bringing that up? Harry nervously tried to flatten his hair.

James: It's a losing battle, Harry, you can't make your hair go into place! The Potter hair curse can't be cured!

Lily: *slaps James*

James: *holding his face in pain* That was for giving Harry my hair again?

Lily: *nods*

James: *wails* It's genetic! Genetic, I tell you! I can't help it!

Narcissa: "I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall.

Lily: Insert dramatic music here.

Narcissa: "Please wait quietly."

Remus: No real reason to ask that. They're always too scared to talk much.

Narcissa: She left the chamber. Harry swallowed.

Severus: Fascinating.

"How exactly do they sort us into houses?" he asked Ron.

Lily: Oh, no need to be scared, dear, all you have to do is put on a hat!

James: Yeah, nothing to be afraid of but head lice.

Lily: POTTER!

James: What? It could happen!

Remus: Actually, it couldn't. There are spells on the Sorting Hat to keep students from getting head lice.

James: Good to know, Moony. Good to know.

Narcissa: "Some sort of test, I think.

Severus: Not really a test, per se.

Narcissa: Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking."

Lily: Of course he was! Why would you do something like that to your poor innocent brother?

Sirius: Hey, I told my brother you had to survive a week in the Forbidden Forest, complete with manticores, chimareas, and acromantulas. "Hurts a lot" is an improvement.

Lily: You know, maybe it's a good thing you never came to take my son from my sister.

Narcissa: Harry's heart gave a horrible jolt.

Lily: Couldn't Ron have left that bit out? I hate seeing Harry so scared and not being able to do anything about it!

Narcissa: A test?

James: Nope, relax. Just a hat.

Narcissa: In front of the whole school?

James: Okay, yeah, it is in front of the whole school, but it's still not a test!

Narcissa: But he didn't know any magic yet--

Peter: That doesn't matter, no one does! Just try on the hat!

Narcissa: what on earth would he have to do?

Lily: It's nothing difficult, darling! No need to be so terrified!

Bellatrix: It's a book! Just a book! It can't hear you!

Narcissa: He hadn't expected something like this the moment they arrived.
James: You don't even know what "this" is! Calm down!

Narcissa: He looked around anxiously and saw that everyone else looked terrified, too.

Lily: It really would be nice if they explained exactly how they were going to be Sorted before McGonagall left.

Remus: Apparently the entire Hogwarts staff has a bit of a sadistic streak.

Narcissa: No one was talking much except Hermione Granger,

Lucius: Ugh, somebody shut that filthy little Mudblood up.

Narcissa: who was whispering very fast about all the spells she'd learned and wondering which one she'd need.

Severus: None, you maddening little swot! Now stop bragging. Such an insufferable know-it-all....

Narcissa: Harry tried hard not to listen to her.

Bellatrix: As well anyone should.

Narcissa: He'd never been more nervous, never,

Lily: Deep breaths, sweetie, deep breaths.

Narcissa: not even when he'd had to take a school report home to the Dursleys saying that he'd somehow turned his teacher's wig blue.

Bellatrix: That's no reason to be nervous! You should be proud to harm Muggles, even if it is only the slightest inconvenience!

Narcissa: He kept his eyes fixed on the door.

Lily: Don't look at the door, Harry! That'll only scare you more!

Narcissa: Any second now, Professor McGonagall would come back and lead him to his doom.

Sirius: Bit melodramatic, our Harry, isn't he?

Narcissa: Then something happened that made him jump about a foot in the air--several people behind him screamed.

Remus: Why do the ghosts insist on doing that every year? Honestly, everyone at this school is unbelievably sadistic....

Narcissa: "What the--?" He gasped. So did the people around him.

Severus: So that's four times they've felt the need to establish that the ghosts startled them. I do believe you're right about how annoying the redundancy in this book is.

Narcissa: About twenty ghosts

James: There's more than twenty around the school, aren't there?

Remus: Yeah, but not all of them like to go out into the main castle. Just look at Moaning Myrtle.

Sirius: Who's Moaning Myrtle?

Lily: *shudders* She haunts the girl's toilet on the second floor.

James: She haunts a toilet?

Lily: *nods, still looking rather ill* How do you know her, Remus?

Remus: She'll move on to the prefects' bathroom once in a while if there's a boy in the bath.

Lily: Um, ew. Moving on.

Narcissa: had just streamed through the back wall.

Lucius: Of course they did. They really can't help showing off the fact that they can do that, can they? Can't possibly just go through a doorway like a living person....

Narcissa: Pearly-white and slightly transparent,

Severus: The word is translucent.

Sirius: Thanks for that, Snivellus.

Severus: Don't. Call. Me. That.

Narcissa: they glided across the room talking to one another and hardly glancing at the first years.

Remus: It's all an act, you know. They love scaring the first years out of their wits.

Narcissa: They seemed to be arguing.

Severus: Again with something that "seemed to be" instead of just being....

Narcissa: What looked like a fat little monk

Severus: That's because he is a fat little monk. That would be why we call him the Fat Friar.

Remus: The Fat Friar, the Fat Lady... don't any of these people resent their inherently derogatory nicknames?

was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance--"

Lucius: Ugh, do shut up, Hufflepuff. Even the ghost is a miserable pansy!

Narcissa: "My dear Friar, haven't we given Peeves all the chances he deserves?

Severus: Yes. No one can properly control him!

James: Sirius and I can!

Severus: Only because you're as bad as he is.

Sirius: So?

Narcissa: He gives us all a bad name

Lily: How does he give the ghosts a bad name? Poltergeists aren't quite the same thing, are they?

Narcissa: and you know, he's not really even a ghost--

James: Apparently not.

Nightwing: According to the Thesaurus on MS word, they are.

Remus: According to the Thesaurus on MS word, sphinxes, hippogriffs, and basilisks are the same thing. It's not reliable.

Narcissa: I say, what are you all doing here?"

Bellatrix: What do you think they're doing there, idiot?

Narcissa: A ghost wearing a ruff and tights had suddenly noticed the first years.

Bellatrix: Ah, no wonder. Nearly Headless Nick is a Gryffindor-- can't expect much intelligence from him.

Sirius: He prefers Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington.

Bellatrix: And I don't really care.

Narcissa: Nobody answered.

Lily: Oh, no reason to be afraid of the ghosts! I admit, the initial shock of seeing them just appear like that's a bit unnerving, but most of them are friendly enough!

Narcissa: "New students!" said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them.

Lucius: Odd, to have a Hufflepuff be the one to see reason. Where's the Grey Lady?

Nightwing: She doesn't show up properly until book seven for some reason. Apparently our ghost likes to be mysterious or something.

Narcissa: "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"

Remus: Naturally. That's what that room is for, isn't it?

Narcissa: A few people nodded mutely.

Lily: They don't mind if you talk to them! They're all friendly enough.
Narcissa: "Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" said the Friar.

Bellatrix: Believe me, no one else does. Bloody useless milksops....

Lily: Hufflepuffs are actually quite nice, and I'm sure they've churned out some brave ones.

Bellatrix: Of course they haven't, the brave ones go to Gryffindor. Hufflepuff is the trash heap of Hogwarts where the ones who really aren't good for anything go.

Narcissa: "My old house, you know."

Severus: That doesn't mean anyone wants to be stuck there.

Narcissa: "Move along now," said a sharp voice.

Lily: *squeals* She's back! It's almost time!

Narcissa: "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."

Lily: *squeals again*

Narcissa: Professor McGonagall had returned.

Severus: Once again, we've established that. It's not much of a stretch to realize that she returned even from a mere description of her voice.

Narcissa: One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.

Peter: Bye, ghosts! *waves like a maniac*

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*
Narcissa: "Now, form a line," Professor McGonagall told the first years, "and follow me."

Sirius: Is there really a point to getting in line like that? I mean, she calls us up in alphabetical order anyway.

All except Sirius: *shrug*

Narcissa: Feeling oddly as though his legs had turned to lead,

Peter: Wouldn't that poison him?

Remus: Relax, Wormtail, it's just an expression. He feels like his legs are made of lead, they're not really made of lead.

Peter: Oh.

Sirius: It's okay, Peter, just take your time. *pats Peter on the back*

Peter: *scowls at him*

Narcissa: Harry got into line behind a boy with sandy hair, with Ron behind him,

Bellatrix: Of course. You wouldn't want to be separated from your little friends, would you?

Sirius: Of course you wouldn't understand friendship, Bella.

Bellatrix: Slytherins don't need friends, we have lackeys.

Narcissa: and they walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.

Lily: *squeals*

Narcissa: Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place.

James: I don't doubt it, as the Dursleys probably went ballistic if he imagined anything.

Lily: *growls* Petunia....

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*

Narcissa: It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles

Remus: Three thousand and forty three, to be specific. It's in Hogwarts, A History.

Narcissa: that were floating in midair over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting.

Sirius: Five, surely. What about the staff table?
Narcissa: These tables were laid with glittering golden plates and goblets.

Peter: For the important part of the ceremony! *rubs his stomach*

Narcissa: At the top of the hall was another long table where the teachers were sitting.

Sirius: Ah, there's the staff table!

Narcissa: Professor McGonagall led the first years up here, so that they came to a halt in a line facing the other students,

Remus: I think that's the point of the line. To frighten them even more. Someone really ought to have a word with Dumbledore about that.

Narcissa: with the teachers behind them.

Severus: Once again, we figured that out when it said they were facing the rest of the students. This author needs to stop assuming that our intelligence levels are the same as those of Potter's son.
Narcissa: The hundreds of faces staring at them looked like pale lanterns in the flickering candlelight.

Peter: They were glowing?

All except Peter: *shrug*

Nightwing: Yeah, I have no idea what that description was supposed to mean.

Narcissa: Dotted here and there among the students, the ghosts shone misty silver.

Severus: That is the color they take on after death.

Narcissa: Mainly to avoid all the staring eyes,

Sirius: You'd think he'd be used to that by now.

Lily: You never get used to something like that! People are so rude! Doesn't anybody care about his feelings?

Narcissa: Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars.

Peter: I love the ceiling, it's so pretty!

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Narcissa: He heard Hermione whisper,

Remus: I'm starting to feel like all this girl is good for is backstory.

Narcissa: "It's bewitched to look like the sky outside.

Lucius: Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

Narcissa: I read about it in Hogwarts, A History."

Sirius: Is there anyone alive besides me, Wormtail, and Prongs who hasn't read that book?

Narcissa: It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens.

Remus: It's a good bit of magic, it really is. Completely superfluous, but still quite impressive.

Narcissa: Harry quickly looked down again as Professor McGonagall silently placed a four-legged

Nightwing: Damn it, I always draw it with three legs! Urgh....

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Narcissa: stool in front of the first years.

Sirius: So we now have a lovely little arrangement of munchkins and the stool. Beautiful décor, really.

Narcissa: On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard's hat.

Lily: *squeals loudly* The Sorting! The Sorting!

Narcissa: This hat was patched and frayed and extremely dirty.

Remus: Actually, it's not. The spells on it to make it a sentient being capable of reading the thoughts of the students it's sorting did something to the leather that made it look a lot older than it actually is.

Sirius: Which is really saying something considering that it's about a thousand years old.

Narcissa: Aunt Petunia wouldn't have let it in the house.

Bellatrix: No self-respecting hat would want to go in that house anyway, so it's no great loss.

Narcissa: Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it, Harry thought wildly,

Lucius: What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Lily: It's a form of Muggle magic-- you know, illusions and things. They show the audience an empty hat and pull a rabbit out of a hidden pocket.

Nightwing: I've always thought it was cruelty to animals, really-- how's the poor little bunny supposed to breathe?

Narcissa: that seemed the sort of thing--

Severus: Clearly not, as no one who hasn't been raised by Muggles has any idea what you're talking about.

Narcissa: noticing that everyone in the hall was now staring at the hat, he stared at it, too.

James: No! Don't give into peer pressure, son, what's wrong with you?

All except James: *give James weird looks*

Narcissa: For a few seconds, there was complete silence.

Nightwing: *hums the Jeopardy theme song*

Narcissa: Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth--

Remus: That would be because that is its mouth.

Narcissa: and the hat began to sing:

Sirius: Excellent, let's see what it has to say this year.

James: As long as it's not that House Unity garbage it usually spews. Gryffindor and Slytherin will never, ever get along!

Narcissa: "Oh, you may not think I'm pretty

Peter: I think you're pretty!

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: Er... pretty special?

All except Peter: *keep right on giving Peter weird looks*

Narcissa: But don't judge on what you see

Remus: Excellent lesson.

Narcissa: I'll eat myself

James: Err... is that physically possible?

All except James: *shrug*

Narcissa: if you can find

A smarter hat than me.

James: I know that's not physically possible.
Narcissa: You can keep your bowlers black

Your top hats sleek and tall

Lily: I'd love to see an eleven-year-old in a bowler or a top hat. That would be hilarious.

Narcissa: For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat

Peter: Really? I thought you were the hat of the Wicked Witch of the West!

Nightwing: Peter, sarcasm really isn't your thing.

Narcissa: And I can cap them all.

All: *groan at the bad pun*
Narcissa: There's nothing hidden in your head

The Sorting Hat can't see

Remus: So true. So frighteningly, disconcertingly true. *shudders-- we all know he has a dark secret he doesn't want anyone to know, especially at a glance*

Narcissa: So try me on and I will tell you

Where you ought to be.

Lily: *squeals*
Narcissa: You might belong in Gryffindor

Sirius and James: *cheer* GO GRYFFINDOR! *roar like lions*

Remus, Peter, and Lily: *grin*

Narcissa: Where dwell the brave at heart

Sirius: Damn straight! *puffs out his chest in pride*

Narcissa: Their daring, nerve, and chivalry

Lucius: Not to mention blind stupidity and inability to see the big picture or to know when to save their own skins.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *glare*

Narcissa: Set Gryffindors apart;

James: And Harry's going to be set apart by the same traits!

Narcissa: You might belong in Hufflepuff

Bellatrix: You'd best hope not!

Narcissa: Where they are just and loyal

Remus: Isn't loyalty a form of bravery?

Severus: It's the politically correct way of saying they're not really good for anything.

Narcissa: Those patient Hufflepuffs are true

Bellatrix: Because that's all they have to their credit.

Narcissa: And unafraid of toil

Severus: Then again, if you are afraid of toil, you really shouldn't be going to school, should you?

Narcissa: Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw

Nightwing: Yay! The best House!

All except Nightwing: *scoff*

Nightwing: Hey, don't hate us because we're smarter than you.

Narcissa: If you've a ready mind

Lucius: *smirks* Are you sure they put you in the right House, Nightwing?

Nightwing: Bite me. I do have a mind, it just works a little differently.

Narcissa: Where those of wit and learning

Will always find their kind

Nightwing: Which just makes you wonder how the hell we got Cho Chang.

Remus: Who?

Nightwing: You'll meet her later.

Narcissa: Or perhaps in Slytherin

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *look at each other and grin evilly*

Lucius: Obviously the superior House.

Severus, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *nod in agreement*

Narcissa: You'll make your real friends

Bellatrix: *scoffs* Please. Who needs friends when you can have minions?

Narcissa: Those cunning folk use any means

To achieve their ends.

Sirius: As a result, the entire house ends up going over to the Dark side.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *glare at Sirius*

Remus: How many times do I have to say that some good wizards have come out of Slytherin, too?

Narcissa: So put me on!

Sirius: Because that's really all you can do with a hat.

Narcissa: Don't be afraid!

Lily: Yes, don't be afraid, Harry!

Narcissa: And don't get in a flap!

Peter: What's that supposed to mean?

Nightwing: *shrugs* It rhymed?

Narcissa: You're in safe hands

Peter: *opens his mouth to say something* But I thought--

Narcissa: (though I have none)

Peter: Oh. *closes his mouth*

Narcissa: For I'm a Thinking Cap!"

Sirius: So next time Professor Myrth tells us to put on our thinking caps, I'll just have to ask to see the Sorting Hat! Brilliant!
Nightwing: Who?

Remus: Our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year. She's incredibly perky-- a bit annoyingly so, really.

Bellatrix: A bit?

Remus: Still, I really hope the Defense Against the Dark Arts curse doesn't take her because of it. That would be horrible.

Lucius: She'd deserve it.

Narcissa: The whole hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song.

Severus: For no real reason, if you think about it.

Lily: *shrugs* It's just manners, I suppose.

Narcissa: It bowed to each of the four tables and then became quite still again.
Lily: *squeals* It's about to begin!

All: WE KNOW, LILY! *or* WE KNOW, EVANS!

Narcissa: "So we've just got to try on the hat!"

Lily: That's all there is to it!

Narcissa: Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."

Lucius: That would be a better way to weed out the weak and talentless, but then I suppose there would be no one left in Hufflepuff.

Narcissa: Harry smiled weakly.

James: Why weakly? He can't still be nervous, can he?

Narcissa: Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell,

James: Good Harry. Look on the bright side!

Nightwing: *singing* Always look on the bright side of life! *tries to whistle, but fails because she forgot she can't*

Bellatrix: Ha! Foiled in the act!

Narcissa: but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching.

James: Why is my son so pessimistic? Honestly, he's worse than Moony!

Remus: Hey, now, leave me out of this.

Narcissa: The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot;

Severus: Yes, yes, putting a hat on is so difficult.

Narcissa: Harry didn't feel brave or quick-witted or any of it at the moment.

Lily: Everyone's nervous before their Sorting, Harry! The hat doesn't care about how you feel at the moment!

Narcissa: If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

Severus: There is one. It's called Hufflepuff.

Narcissa: Professor McGonagall now stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment.

Lily: *squeal* My little Harry's name is somewhere on that list!

Narcissa: "When I call your name, you will

Sirius: Jump on the nearest table and do the funky chicken while singing Disco Inferno.

Remus: Sirius, for ten seconds, can you pretend you're sane?

Sirius: Sure I can! And I'll start... now!

Narcissa: put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said.

Sirius: There! That was ten seconds! I must say, I'm glad it's over.

Remus: *long suffering sigh*

Narcissa: "Abbott, Hannah!"

James: Any relation to Lou, d'you reckon?

Remus: Could be.

Narcissa: A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line,

Sirius: Well, she's got his pink face, at any rate. Maybe his wife's blonde or something.

Narcissa: put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes,

Peter: It does that to everybody. They should think about shrinking it a bit.

Narcissa: and sat down.

Severus: Just like McGonagall said she would.

Narcissa: A moment's pause--"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat.
Bellatrix: Ugh. At least her Ravenclaw father had a purpose in being at Hogwarts.
Narcissa: The table on the right cheered and clapped

Lucius: *as the Hufflepuffs* Yay! More useless people to delude us into thinking we're not wastes of space!

Narcissa: as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. Harry saw the ghost of the Fat Friar waving merrily at her.

Severus: Yes, yes, we all know he's saying "Welcome to Hell."

Narcissa: "Bones, Susan!"

Lucius: Surely some relation to Amelia.

Nightwing: Susan is Amelia Bones's niece, yeah.

Narcissa: "HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat again,

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *groan in disgust*

Lucius: Where are they all coming from?

Nightwing: I know, the beginning of this book is seriously like the Badger Song.

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Nightwing: You know, "Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom?"

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing even weirder looks*

Nightwing: Never mind.

Narcissa: and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah.

Bellatrix: Yes, make your little friends. They're not going to get you anywhere.
Narcissa: "Boot, Terry!"

Peter: Is that a boy or a girl?

Nightwing: Boy. You'll see in a little bit when it calls him "he."

Narcissa: "RAVENCLAW!"

Nightwing: W00t!

Narcissa: The table second from the left clapped this time;

Severus: Do we really need to know exactly where all the tables are?

Narcissa: several Ravenclaws stood up to shake hands with Terry as he joined them.

Sirius: Pompous arses.

Nightwing: *flicks a fireball at him*
Narcissa: " Brocklehurst, Mandy" went to Ravenclaw too,

Remus: Why is everyone going to their Houses in pairs?

Narcissa: but "Brown, Lavender" became the first new Gryffindor,

Sirius and James: YES! *roar like lions* In your face, Slytherins, we got ours first!

Remus: Do we know any Browns?

Sirius: Sure we do! Chestnut, mahogany, tan, chocolate, bronze, russet, tawny, fawn, sienna, khaki, cinnamon, ocher, copper, ....

Remus: *facepalm* Not what I meant, Padfoot.

Lily: She must be Muggle-born.

Narcissa: and the table on the far left exploded with cheers;

Sirius: As well the should! Go Gryffindor!

Narcissa: Harry could see Ron's twin brothers catcalling.

James: *laughs* I like those two.

Narcissa: "Bulstrode, Millicent" then became a Slytherin.

Lucius: Excellent. Pandarus's daughter carries on the noble family tradition. I always knew his filthy Mudblood lover couldn't hurt his daughter's future too badly.

Sirius: What kind of a name is Millicent?

Narcissa: Perhaps it was Harry's imagination,

Peter: But the entire room suddenly seemed to be made of lasagna?

Narcissa: after all he'd heard about Slytherin,

Severus: Nothing good, those filthy biased... *grumbles under his breath about Hagrid and the Weasleys*

Narcissa: but he thought they looked like an unpleasant lot.

Lucius: I'd appreciate not being treated like dirt before the students even get there, thanks. It makes them think like that.

James: You are an unpleasant lot. Get over it.

Narcissa: He was starting to feel definitely sick now.

Lily: Oh, try to calm down, Harry! There's no reason to make yourself ill with worrying!

Narcissa: He remembered being picked for teams during gym at his old school.

Bellatrix: Who the ruddy hell is Jim?

Lily: No, Bellatrix, gym. G-Y-M . It's a class Muggle students take to learn how to exercize right and take care of their bodies.

Nightwing: *bitterly* No, it's how high schools figure out who's popular and who's not so the popular kids can pick on everyone else for their lack of athletic ability.

Narcissa: He had always been last to be chosen,

Nightwing: Join the club.

All except Nightwing: You've got jackets.

Nightwing: Do I really say that that often?

All except Nightwing: *nod* Yes. Yes, you do.

Narcissa: not because he was no good, but because no one wanted Dudley to think they liked him.

Sirius: Who's he to control what other people think? Harry has every right to be popular!

Narcissa: "Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"

Lucius: A Mudblood to be sure. No proper wizard would go around with a name like Finch-Fletchley if he had any self-respect!

Narcissa: "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Bellatrix: Clearly he doesn't have any self-respect.

Lucius: Clearly.

Narcissa: Sometimes, Harry noticed, the hat shouted out the house at once,

Bellatrix: As it did with me.

Lucius: And me.

Severus: Yes, me as well.

Narcissa: but at others it took a little while to decide.

Peter: It did that to me, it was awful!

Remus: *nods in agreement*

Narcissa: "Finnigan, Seamus,"

Sirius: Now that's an Irish name if I've ever heard one.

Narcissa: the sandy-haired boy next to Harry in the line,

Peter: Aren't the Irish supposed to be redheads?

James: Not all of them, dungbrain! They're not Weasleys, you know.

Peter: Right, right.

Narcissa: sat on the stool for almost a whole minute before the hat declared him a Gryffindor.

Sirius: Ah, so he's a brave Irish, then. Good for you, Seamus O' Houlihan!

Remus: Finnegan.

Sirius: Yeah, but O' Houlihan sounds even more Irish.

Remus: You're an idiot.

Sirius: Thank you, Moony. Thank you.

Narcissa: "Granger, Hermione!"

Remus: A Ravenclaw if I've ever seen one.

James: I'm all right as long as she's anywhere but Gryffindor!

Narcissa: Hermione almost ran to the stool and jammed the hat eagerly on her head.

Lily: Definitely a Ravenclaw.

Nightwing: Would you lot please stop lumping her in with me?!
Narcissa: "GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat.

Sirius and James: *groan*

Nightwing: See? That's what you get. The girl no one likes gets put into your House.

Remus: Yes, yes, karma just came back to bite us in the arse, now stop rubbing it in.

Narcissa: Ron groaned.

Sirius: I feel for you, Ron, I really do. Why is she in our House, why?

Severus: Why is she in Gryffindor? She certainly seems like the sort of obnoxious show-off who dominates Ravenclaw.

Nightwing: I AM NOT A SHOW-OFF!
Narcissa: A horrible thought struck Harry,

Lily: *gasps* Oh no!

Narcissa: as horrible thoughts always do when you're very nervous.

James: Why is he still so nervous? Hasn't he realized that this isn't that big a deal?

Narcissa: What if he wasn't chosen at all?

Sirius: What? He's there, isn't he? What makes him think they won't Sort him?

Bellatrix: Has no one else noticed how thick this boy is?

Lucius: Potter's son through and through.

James: Oi! I never thought I was going to be skipped over by the Sorting Hat!

Narcissa: What if he just sat there with the hat over his eyes for ages,

Peter: Some people do, but you'll get put into a House eventually!

Narcissa: until Professor McGonagall jerked it off his head

James: Hey, now, she may be tough, but she wouldn't jerk anything. She's not so crude.

Narcissa: and said there had obviously been a mistake

Bellatrix: The only mistakes Hogwarts makes in finding students is admitting Mudbloods. Potter may be a half-blood, but he's still salvagable.

and he'd better get back on the train?

Lucius: Impossible. The Hogwarts Express only appears twice a year, it wouldn't go back for him.
Narcissa: When Neville Longbottom,

Bellatrix: Longbottom? Meaning Frank and Alice had a son?

Lucius: Apparently.

Bellatrix: Ugh. I despise those two. Some people deserve to be tortured into madness, and Frank and Alice are just that sort of people.

Nightwing: *under her breath* Why does that not surprise me?

Narcissa: the boy who kept losing his toad,

Bellatrix: Pitiful, just like his father. Why is he so upset about that?

Narcissa: was called, he fell over on his way to the stool.

Bellatrix: A clumsy failure, just like his mummy. This boy has a marvelous future to look forward to.

Narcissa: The hat took a long time to decide with Neville.

Bellatrix: Put him in Hufflepuff and have done with it! No other House could possibly want him, even Gryffindor!

Narcissa: When it finally shouted, "GRYFFINDOR,"

All: What?

Sirius: If that boy has an ounce of bravery in him, I'm a flobberworm.

Remus: I wouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly, guys. We hardly know anything about the kid, and there are six books and a bit of this one left. He could be brilliant later on, given the chance to grow up a bit.

Bellatrix: Keep telling yourself that, Lupin.

Lucius: Yes, give people like Pettigrew hope that they can one day be adequate in society.

Peter: Hey!

Narcissa: Neville ran off still wearing it,

James: How much to you want to bet the hat's screaming in his head, "TAKE ME OFF, IDIOT!"?

Narcissa: and had to jog back amid gales of laughter

Lily: Aww, that's not very nice!

Bellatrix: Who cares?

Narcissa: to give it to "MacDougal, Morag."

Sirius: Odd name.

Narcissa: Malfoy *squeals*

Lucius: *looks up* Finally, someone we care about. Not that I don't know which House he'll be in, of course.

Narcissa: Oh, stop talking, Lucius, and let's see our little boy's Sorting! swaggered

Sirius: So he walks like his pompous arse of a father, as well.

Lucius: Watch it, Black.

Narcissa: forward when his name was called and got his wish at once:

Lucius: Being in Slytherin is more than a wish, it's a noble legacy.

Narcissa: I'm so glad little Draco's carrying it on! the hat had barely touched his head when it screamed, "SLYTHERIN!"

Lucius: We've established that already, but as it's my son I'll let it go. Good job, Draco.

Narcissa: *squeals in agreement* Malfoy went to join his friends Crabbe and Goyle,

Bellatrix: Apparently, Crabbe's and Goyle's sons are a bit older than Draco... no, wait, Crabbe and Goyle would come before Malfoy in the alphabet.

Sirius: Not too quick, are you, Bella?

Bellatrix: *snarls* Shut it.

Narcissa: looking pleased with himself.

Lucius: As well he should, after following in the glorious footsteps of the rest of the Malfoy family!

Narcissa: There weren't many people left now.

James: Sure there are, you're only about halfway through the alphabet.

Narcissa: "Moon"

Lily: Ooh, I've always liked that last name, it sounds so mysterious.

Narcissa: "Nott"

Severus: So Theodore's managed to spawn as well. Hopefully his son has more of a brain than he does.

Narcissa: "Parkinson"

Peter: Like the disease?

Lucius: No, Pettigrew, the son--

Nightwing: Daughter, Pansy Parkinson's a girl.

Lucius: -- the daughter, then, of Xanthus Parkinson. Bloody Gryffindor.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Oi!

Nightwing: You'll be happy to hear, then, that Pansy's in Slytherin.

Lucius: Excellent. It's always good to hear of a family turning around.

Narcissa: then a pair of twin girls, "Patil" and "Patil"

Sirius: I don't recognize the name Patil.

Lily: My friend Julianna Adesai is dating a Muggle whose surname is Patil.

Lucius: Ugh, they're half-bloods, then. Disgusting.

Severus: *glares*

Lucius: Except for you, of course, Severus.

Narcissa: then "Perks, Sally-Anne"

Bellatrix: *looks suddenly ill* Sally... Anne... Perks. There are no words. It sounds so sickeningly....

Lucius: *disgusted* Perky?
Bellatrix: Exactly!

Severus: *nods in nauseated agreement* It's a very Hufflepuff name.

Narcissa: and then, at last--"Potter, Harry!"

James: *moves to the edge of his seat with a look of anticipation on his face that looks not unlike a deer caught in the headlights*

Lily: *squeals* Good luck, Harry!

Narcissa: As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing

Lucius: Snakes. Do I detect a hint of foreshadowing?

James: Shut up, Malfoy, my son will not be in Slytherin! The Potter family has morals!

Narcissa: fires all over the hall.

Nightwing: Hehehehehehehe.... fire.... *gets that creepy look in her eye*

All except Nightwing: *edge away*

Narcissa: "Potter, did she say?"

James: Damn straight! Son of the late, great James Potter!

Lily: *scoffs* Great?

James: Lily! You're supposed to be on my side!

Lily: Just because I have to marry you doesn't mean I have to like you.

Nightwing: Actually, it kind of does, but that's not really the point. Moving on....

Narcissa: "The Harry Potter?"

James: *puffs out his chest with pride* You bet your broomstick, he is!

Narcissa: The last thing Harry saw before

Lucius: He was eaten by a chimarea.

Lily: *glares at Lucius*

Narcissa: the hat dropped over his eyes was

James: A chicken.

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin. *shudders* Poor boy.

Remus: *looks at James in disbelief* Aren't you supposed to be worrying about your son instead of making stupid jokes that really aren't funny anymore?

James: Who says I can't do both? *grins*

Narcissa: the hall full of people craning to get a good look at him.

Lily: *grumbles irritably* Take a bloody picture, it'll last longer.

Narcissa: Next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat.

Peter: Really? I thought the inside of the hat was pink!

Remus: Sarcasm really isn't your thing, Wormtail. Quit while you're ahead.

Peter: *sulks*

Narcissa: He waited.

Sirius: And he waited.

James: And he waited some more.

Sirius: And he--

Remus: All right, then!

Narcissa: "Hmm," said a small voice in his ear.

Peter: *as Harry* Are you there, God? It's me, Harry!

Narcissa: "Difficult. Very difficult.

James: What? No, it isn't! Gryffindor, like his parents and all three of his godfathers! Come on, Gryffindor!

Narcissa: Plenty of courage, I see.

James: Damn straight! Stop there, Hat, I know exactly where he belongs!

Narcissa: Not a bad mind either.

Severus: *scoffs* From what I've seen, I beg profusely to differ.

Narcissa: There's talent, oh my goodness, yes--

Remus: What House does that have to do with? You can be talented in all four Houses!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *scoff*

Remus: *annoyed* Yes, Slytherins, that does include Hufflepuff and Gryffindor.

Narcissa: and a nice thirst to prove yourself,

James: He doesn't need to prove himself, he's my son! There's nothing to prove, being brilliant is in his genes!

Lily: Your ego disgusts me.

James: Please. You know you love me. *ruffles his hair*

Narcissa: now that's interesting....

Remus: Not really. Everyone wants to prove themselves when they get to Hogwarts. Everyone wants to be a good wizard.

Severus: It's whether or not you can achieve it that's the question.

Sirius: You're one to talk, eh, Snivellus?

Narcissa: So where shall I put you?"

Sirius and James: GRYFFINDOR!

Narcissa: Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.

Lucius: *sarcastically* Excellent. They've turned him against us before he's even gotten to Hogwarts, and now look what's happened!

Bellatrix: Cheer up, Lucius, it's hardly all bad. Soon the entire House of Salazar Slytherin will be emptied of those unworthy enough to believe the horrendous lies told to them. Only the pure and the deserving will remain!

Lucius: *cheering up slightly* True.
Narcissa: "Not Slytherin, eh?"

James: That's what he said! Smart lad, Harry, smart lad!

Lily: You know, they're not all bad.

James: Not all bad? Lily, have you lost your mind?

Lily and Severus: *look at each other meaningfully, but James doesn't notice*

Narcissa: said the small voice.

Remus: Also known as the hat.

Peter: Really? I thought it was God.

Remus: Wormtail, what did I tell you about sarcasm?

Narcissa: "Are you sure?

James: Of course he's sure! Now put him in Gryffindor already!

Narcissa: You could be great, you know,

Bellatrix: Yes! He could be great, despite his horrible parentage and heathen upbringing, if only he's put in Slytherin!

Narcissa: it's all here in your head,

Lucius: Just like those little voices.

Narcissa: and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness,

Bellatrix: Just look what it's done for me! The Dark Lord's most loyal servant, well on my way to becoming the greatest Dark witch who ever lived, and all because I was trained in the wondrous House of Salazar Slytherin!

Narcissa: no doubt about that--

James: I doubt that!

Narcissa: no?

James: No! Keep him away from those slimy gits!

Narcissa: Well, if you're sure--

James: Yes, he's sure! HARRY POTTER WILL NOT BE IN SLYTHERIN!!!!

Narcissa: better be SLYTHERIN!

Sirius and James: What?

Remus, Lily, and Peter: *look shocked*

Severus, Lucius, and Bellatrix: *smirk*

Nightwing: ... the hell?

James: No! You have to be lying! My son can't be in Slytherin!

Narcissa: Relax, Potter, he's not. I wanted to see your reaction. *snickers*

Bellatrix: Good job, Narcissa. *cackles softly*

Narcissa: I try. *smirks* GRYFFINDOR!"

James: *sighs in relief* Good job, Harry!

Lily: *beams proudly*

Sirius: Brilliant! I always knew Harry would be in the best House! That's my godson!

Lily: No way. Absolutely no way.

Narcissa:

Harry heard the hat shout the last word to the whole hall.

Severus: As it's been doing for the rest of the students. Hasn't he been paying attention?

Lucius: Potter's a bit thick, if you haven't noticed. What the Sorting Hat was talking about when it said he didn't have a bad mind....

Narcissa: He took off the hat and walked shakily toward the Gryffindor table.

Sirius: The best part of the Great Hall! Sit in a place of honor, Harry, you've earned it!

Narcissa: He was so relieved to have been chosen

Peter: Of course you were chosen, Harry!

Bellatrix: If Pettigrew was chosen, anyone magical can be.

Peter: Hey!

Narcissa: and not put in Slytherin,

Lucius: There is nothing good about that.

Narcissa: he hardly noticed that he was getting the loudest cheer yet.

James: That's my boy! Famous Harry Potter in the House of greatness!

Narcissa: Percy the Prefect

Sirius: Lovely name. Suits him, really, although from what I've seen I think Puffed-up Fat-head works better for him.

Narcissa: got up and shook his hand vigorously,

Sirius: Does anybody pat each other on the back anymore? Do they really need to shake hands and look like a complete prat?

Narcissa: while the Weasley twins

Sirius: Much better! These are the Weasley brothers I like!

Narcissa: yelled, "We got Potter! We got Potter!"

James: You got two different Potters! You'd better cheer!

Narcissa: Harry sat down opposite the ghost in the ruff he'd seen earlier.

Peter: *waves maniacally* Hi, Nearly-Headless Nick!

Narcissa: The ghost patted his arm,

All: *shudder*

Remus: Poor thing.

Narcissa: giving Harry the sudden, horrible feeling he'd just plunged it into a bucket of ice-cold water.

Severus: I despise that feeling.

Lily: Everyone does.

Narcissa: He could see the High Table properly now.

Lucius: Who cares?

Nightwing: I wouldn't talk yet, Lucius, there's something interesting waiting at the staff table for you later.

Severus: *sourly* I can hardly wait.

Narcissa: At the end nearest him sat Hagrid,

Lucius: He's letting the gamekeeper sit with the staff now? Merlin's beard, Hogwarts really is going to the dogs....

Narcissa: who caught his eye and gave him the thumbs up.

Bellatrix: You know, I think I'm starting to see what Nightwing meant by blatant favoritism....

Nightwing: Isn't it terrible?

Narcissa: Harry grinned back. And there, in the center of the High Table, in a large gold chair,

Nightwing: Just like mine! Except not really. But still, it is gold. *snuggles down into her egg chair*

Narcissa: sat Albus Dumbledore.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Boooo...

Bellatrix: Filthy Muggle lover.

Narcissa: Harry recognized him at once from the card he'd gotten out of the Chocolate Frog on the train.

Remus: I have an odd feeling that card is going to be important later. They keep mentioning it.

Narcissa: Dumbledore's silver hair

Sirius: I honestly think the man was born old. Has his hair ever not been silver?

Narcissa: was the only thing in the whole hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts.

Lily: His hair glows? What?

Narcissa: Harry spotted Professor Quirrell, too,

Lily: *eye twitches* Horrible teacher....

Narcissa: the nervous young man from the Leaky Cauldron. He was looking very peculiar in a large purple turban.

Sirius: What kind of white Englishman wears a turban? Isn't that a bit odd?

Lily: I've learned to just deal with it. You get all sorts of weird things in the Wizarding world.

Narcissa: And now there were only three people left to be sorted.

Remus: Only after P? Really?

Narcissa: "Thomas, Dean,"

Remus: Seriously, what happened to all the kids whose last names began with Q, R and S?

Sirius: Moony. Build a bridge and get over it. It's not that big a deal. Relax.

Narcissa: a black boy even taller than Ron,

Bellatrix: That would be much more impressive if we knew exactly how tall Ron was.

Narcissa: joined Harry at the Gryffindor table.

Sirius: Ha! Brilliant! Bring on the Gryffindors, because you can never have too many!

Narcissa: "Turpin, Lisa,"

Nightwing: I've always wondered if she's somehow related to Judge Turpin. Nobody gander at her!

Severus: What?

Remus: It's a Sweeney Todd thing. Ignore her.

Narcissa: became a Ravenclaw

Nightwing: Yay! She can read something besides her weird creepy Alan Rickman relative's collection of dirty pictures!

Severus: *stares* Again?

Remus: Yep. You don't want to know.

Narcissa: and then it was Ron's turn.

Lucius: We all know what House he's going to be in, and yet they're going to drag this out.

Narcissa: Don't worry, Lucius. It's only two more sentences.

Lucius: Good.

Remus: What about the U's and the V's?

Sirius: Moony. Get over it.

Narcissa: He was pale green by now.

Bellatrix: A color of which he and any Weasley is unworthy!

Narcissa: Harry crossed his fingers under the table

Sirius: I doubt he has much to worry about. All the Weasleys have been Gryffindors for ages.

Narcissa: and a second later the hat had shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Sirius: See?

Bellatrix: Disgusting blood traitors, the lot of them. No respectable pureblood should ever be in Gryffindor.

Narcissa: Harry clapped loudly with the rest as Ron collapsed into the chair next to him.

Bellatrix: Ooh, is he dead?

Narcissa: No, Bella, unfortunately, he isn't. Only weak with relief.

Bellatrix: Why would you be relieved to be in Gryffindor?!

Narcissa: "Well done, Ron, excellent," said Percy Weasley pompously

Sirius: Just like he says anything. Honestly, I don't like this guy.

Remus: Really, Padfoot? We had no idea.

Narcissa: across Harry as "Zabini, Blaise,"

Severus: What gender is that?

All except Nightwing: *shrug*

Narcissa: was made a Slytherin.

Bellatrix: Whatever it is, it's apparently all right.

Nightwing: Blaise is a boy, JKR revealed it in the sixth book. Trust me, though, no one had any idea what he was for the majority of the series. There are even Wizard rock songs about it. *hums Who Is Blaise Zabini? by the Parselmouths*

Narcissa: Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.

Lily: Congratulations, Harry! Welcome to Gryffindor!

Peter: And now it's time for the feast!
Narcissa: Harry looked down at his empty gold plate.

Peter: It won't be empty for long, Harry! The best food ever is coming!

Narcissa: He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.

Lucius: I thought it said he still had some in his pockets.

James: Apparently he forgot or something.

Lucius: Typical. Clearly he did inherit your--

James: Will you stop saying that every time my son shows that he isn't perfect?!

Narcissa: Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet.

Bellatrix: Ugh, we have to listen to his filthy Mudblood-loving drivel?

Narcissa: He was beaming at the students,

Bellatrix: No one who matters is beaming at you, you revolting disgrace to the Wizarding world!

Narcissa: his arms opened wide,

Sirius: Because love is the greatest magic of all and all anybody really needs is a nice big hug!

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Remus: That was... special, Sirius.

Narcissa: as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.
Lily: He has a good reason to be, you know. It means no one was killed, maimed, driven mad, or arrested over the summer.

All except Lily: *blink*

James: Wow... Lily.... That was surprisingly morbid.

Lily: I'm really not as innocent as I seem. *grins sweetly*

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*

Narcissa: "Welcome," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!

Peter: And what a year it will be!

James: How do you know?

Peter: Well, if nothing interesting happened, no one would have bothered writing a book.

Nightwing: Oh, my God, Peter!

Peter: What?

Nightwing: You just made sense!

Narcissa: Before we begin our banquet,

Peter: No, nothing before the food!

Nightwing: Aaaand you just ruined it.

Narcissa: I would like to say a few words.

Peter: *whines* No, I want the feast to happen!

Narcissa: And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!"

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *stare at the book, "wtf" expressions on each of their faces*

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *burst out laughing*

Sirius: He is mental! He is a lunatic!

Remus: And yet we love him anyway.

Sirius: Of course we do, because he is brilliant!

Bellatrix: *disgusted* Speak for yourself. He doesn't belong in a school, he belongs in the psycho ward at St. Mungo's.

Sirius: Right alongside you, eh, Bella?

Sirius and Bellatrix: *glare at each other*

Narcissa: He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered.

Lucius: It's official. Everyone at Hogwarts has gone mad.

Nightwing: *sings* The world has gone insane, and parasites are eating at my brain, and nothing is the way it was before-- a pack of wolves is howling at my door! I'm living in a nonstop nightmare, dead man's dreams, filled with screaming pain burning me to mad extremes in a world that's gone insaaaaane!

Bellatrix: And that's enough out of you!

Narcissa: Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.

James: Laugh away, my son, everyone else does!

Narcissa: "Is he--a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.

Lucius: He's more than a bit mad.

Remus: Yeah, much more than a bit. But he's still an incredible wizard.

Narcissa: "Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius!

Sirius: So?

Nightwing: Yeah! Some old, famous, and probably dead guy once said that behind every stroke of genius is a touch of madness!

Severus: I wouldn't get your hopes up just because of that quote, Nightwing.

Nightwing: Shut it, greaseball, or I'll wash your hair for you.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *snicker*

Severus: *lip curls*

Nightwing: In fact... *smirks and turns Severus into a donkey*

Severus the Donkey: There are no words to describe how much I hate you.

Nightwing: Oh, look, you're all clean now!

Narcissa: Best wizard in the world!

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Hear, hear!

Severus the Donkey, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Absolutely not!

Bellatrix: The Dark Lord is the best wizard in the world!

Narcissa: But he is a bit mad, yes.

James: Everyone's a bit mad in some way or another. Life's more interesting that way.

Narcissa: Potatoes, Harry?"

Peter: *eyes go wide, and a goofy grin spreads across his face* FOOD!

Narcissa: Harry's mouth fell open.

Peter: All the better to eat the delicious feast with, my dear!

Narcissa: The dishes in front of him were now piled with food.

Peter: Not just food-- the best food in the world!

Narcissa: He had never seen so many things he liked to eat on one table:

Sirius: Neither had I, at my first feast here.

Bellatrix: Aww, does Auntie Walberga not see fit to feed the biggest disgrace the Most Noble And Ancient House of Black has ever been forced to accommodate?

Narcissa: roast beef,

Nightwing: It's what's for dinner!

Narcissa: roast chicken,

Sirius: Mmm, easily my favorite part of the feast. I love chicken.

Narcissa: pork chops and lamb chops, sausages,

James: Hopefully better than the ones Hagrid made in that hut.

Narcissa: bacon and steak,

Nightwing: That's my dream meal right there. Yummy.

Narcissa: boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, fries,

Lucius: What the hell are fries?

Nightwing: Remember, this is the American edition of this book, because I'm American. I believe the proper British term is chips. Sorry about that. The publishing companies in my country screwed all sorts of things up in this book....

Narcissa: Yorkshire pudding,

Nightwing: Okay, again with my being American, anybody want to fill me in on exactly what that is?

Lily: It's a puffy sort of bread we Brits like to serve with roast beef.

Nightwing: Ah. Sounds tasty. Thanks!

Narcissa: peas, carrots,

Peter: Eww, healthy food!

Severus the Donkey: You know, it's no wonder you're so fat.

Peter: I'm not fat, Snape! My mum says I'm pleasantly plump!

Nightwing: Hey, Severus, you just insulted somebody I don't like. Good for you! *turns him back*

Severus: That was quick.

Narcissa: gravy, ketchup,

James: Or the two foolproof ways to make anything taste better.

Narcissa: and, for some strange reason, peppermint humbugs.

Severus: Does this boy know nothing? The humbugs are to cleanse your palate after eating one dish so you can fully enjoy the next!

Nightwing: Wouldn't that just make the next dish taste like peppermint?

Severus: Of course not.

Narcissa: The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry,

James: That's certainly news to me.

Narcissa: but he'd never been allowed to eat as much as he liked.

James: That's certainly not news to me.

Lily: *growls* I hate my sister, I hate my sister, I hate my sister....

Narcissa: Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted,

Remus: Really now, that's not very nice.

James: Spoiled little brat.

Narcissa: even if It made him sick.

Lily: So he's just doing it to spite Harry! How can my sister stand for this, even if she does hate my poor little son! Surely she doesn't want her son to be throwing up!

Sirius: I have a feeling it would take quite a lot to make Dudley sick, what with how much he'd have to eat to get him to the size he is.

Lily: Hmm. Good point.

Narcissa: Harry piled his plate with a bit of everything except the peppermints

Severus: His loss, if he doesn't want everything to taste as good as it possibly can.

Narcissa: and began to eat.

Peter: *whines* I want to eat....

Nightwing: Too bad.

Narcissa: It was all delicious.

All: Hear, hear!

Narcissa: "That does look good," said the ghost in the ruff sadly,

Remus: It is good. It's a shame Nick can't have any for himself, it really is.

Narcissa: watching Harry cut up his steak.

Nightwing: Mmm, steak....

Narcissa: "Can't you--?"

Lucius: Of course he can't, he's a ghost! Have you ever known a dead person with functional internal organs?

Narcissa: "I haven't eaten for nearly four hundred years," said the ghost.

Lucius: Of course he hasn't.

Sirius: Merlin's beard, he's been dead that long?

Narcissa: "I don't need to, of course,

Remus: That's only logical. I mean, he's already dead, so there's no way he can starve to death.

Lily: Don't let Moaning Myrtle hear you say that.

Remus: *shudders*

Narcissa: but one does miss it.

Lily: *nods* Understandable.

Narcissa: I don't think I've introduced myself?

Peter: No, you haven't, but that's okay! We know who you are, Nick!

Narcissa: Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service.

Sirius: Why does he insist on introducing himself like that every year? No one calls him that-- everybody knows him as Nearly-Headless Nick!

Narcissa: Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."

James: And the nicest ghost in the entire school!

Sirius: The only nice one, really, besides the Fat Friar.

Narcissa: "I know who you are!"

James: Way to be famous, Nick!

Narcissa: said Ron suddenly. "My brothers told me about you--

James: Ah. That explains it.

Sirius: I bet it was Fred and George! I love Fred and George. *sighs happily*

Narcissa: you're Nearly Headless Nick!"

Lily: Ron! He doesn't like to be called that!

Sirius: So? Everyone does it anyway. He's gotten used to it.

Narcissa: "I would prefer you to call me Sir Nicholas de Mimsy--"

Lily: Is he really, Black?

Sirius: He is. He's still trying to get people to call him Sir Nicholas de Whatever, but he knows it's not going to work. Trust me, Evans, I've asked.

Narcissa: the ghost began stiffly,

Sirius: All that stiff, haughty stuff is just an act.

Narcissa: but sandy-haired Seamus Finnigan interrupted.

James: It's the return of that Irish kid!

Sirius: Cissa, will you read his lines in an Irish accent?

Narcissa: *annoyed* No, I will not! "Nearly Headless? How can you be nearly headless?"

Lily: Oh, God, here we go.... Must someone ask this every year?

Sirius: I know, some of us actually want to eat our dinner.

Remus: Who asked our first year, again?

Peter: *shrinks down* Um... I did.

Nightwing: Why doesn't that surprise me?

Narcissa: Sir Nicholas looked extremely miffed,

James: He always does, when you ask him where his nickname came from.

Narcissa: as if their little chat wasn't going at all the way he wanted.

Remus: Well, really, it's not. He's pretty sensitive about how he wasn't beheaded right and he doesn't like showing it off.

Narcissa: "Like this," he said irritably.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *brace themselves*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *have no idea what's going on*

Narcissa: He seized his left ear and pulled.

Lily: *whimpers* Ew.... My poor Harry shouldn't have to watch this... ew, ew, ew, ew....

James: *pats her arm sympathetically*

Lily: *wrenches away in disgust*

James: *sulks*

Narcissa: His whole head swung off his neck and fell onto his shoulder as if it was on a hinge.

Bellatrix: *eyes go wide, clearly thinking that's really really cool* Impressive. Much better than our ghost. Really, suicide? You'd think our ghost would have had a more dramatic, gruesome death.

Sirius: Only you, Bella, only you. Honestly....

Narcissa: Someone had obviously tried to behead him, but not done it properly.

Severus: We'd figured that out for ourselves, thanks.

Lucius: How'd they manage to make such a mistake, though?

Severus: How should I know? Perhaps they used too blunt of an axe.

Lily: You know, that actually is what happened. I guess whoever killed him decided that once he was dead, there was no point in getting in any more strikes.

Severus: Yes, no use in beating a dead thestral.

Narcissa: Looking pleased at the stunned looks on their faces,

Remus: Sadistic bastard....

Sirius: *gasps melodramatically, pretending to be highly affronted* Remus Lupin! Watch your language.

Remus: Oh, shut up.

Narcissa: Nearly Headless Nick flipped his head back onto his neck,

James: Thank you. From everyone who wants to eat their dinner and keep it in their stomachs, thank you.

Narcissa: coughed,

Remus: Always a good way to change the subject and avert a bit of an awkward situation.

Narcissa: and said, "So--new Gryffindors! I hope you're going to help us win the house championship this year?

James: Of course they will! Gryffindor's the only deserving house and we all know it!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *scoff and roll their eyes*

Narcissa: Gryffindors have never gone so long without winning.

James: Excuse me? Without winning?

Narcissa: Slytherins have got the cup six years in a row!

Sirius: WHAT?!

James: *splutters incoherently, looking like he's about to faint*

Bellatrix: *throws her head back and cackles*

Lucius: And that, Potter, is what you get for your arrogance.

Bellatrix: Go Slytherin!

Narcissa: The Bloody Baron's becoming almost unbearable--

Sirius: He's pretty much unbearable as it is.

Lily: Even looking at him freaks me out. *shudders*

Lucius: *smirks* Do you have a weak stomach, Evans?

Lily: Shut it, Malfoy.

Narcissa: he's the Slytherin ghost."

Bellatrix: And a better ghost you won't find in all of Hogwarts, even if his death was a bit anticlimactic!

Narcissa: Harry looked over at the Slytherin table and saw a horrible ghost sitting there,

James: So basically, it's no different than anyone else from that House.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *glare*

Narcissa: with blank staring eyes,

Remus: Okay, I'm going to admit, that's just not right. What happened to his pupils?

Lucius: You don't want to know.

Narcissa: a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood.