The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time....

Lucius: We're finally done with that chapter.

James: Excellent! The next one should be the train ride!

Lily: *squeals*

Nightwing: Well, let's see who the next victim is, shall we? How about... James, why don't you read this one?

James: Sounds good to me! Here, hand it over, Malfoy.

Lucius: *gladly hands the book to James*

Nightwing: Right, I guess I have to turn you back now, Snivellus, don't I?

Severus the Donkey: Don't. Call. Me. That.

Nightwing: I'm the Authoress, I can call you whatever I want. Anywho... *changes him back* Now, without further ado, read, Prongs!

James: Chapter six, The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters....

Lily: *squeals* I can't believe this is finally happening! Good luck Harry! Good luck!

Bellatrix: Evans-- This. Is. A. BOOK. He. Can't. Hear. You.

Lily: Don't spoil this for me, Bellatrix, you wouldn't understand motherly affection.

Sirius: Would she understand ANY kind of affection?

James: Harry's last month with the Dursleys wasn't fun.

Sirius: Neither was his first....

Peter: Or his second....

Remus: Or his third....

Sirius: Or any of them, really. Unless, of course, you like being shoved into a cupboard, forced to wear clothes four times your size, and beaten to a pulp every so often for no reason at all.

James: True, Dudley was now so scared of Harry he wouldn't stay in the same room,

Bellatrix: *bursts out laughing* I'm sorry, how is this not fun?

James: while Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon didn't shut Harry in his cupboard, force him to do anything, or shout at him--

Lily: Sounds like an improvement to me.

James: in fact, they didn't speak to him at all.

Lucius: Good. We don't have to put up with them.

Severus: Yes we do, Nightwing said this was the last chapter in this book where they spoke.

Nightwing: Thankfully, though, it's not very much.

All except Nightwing: Good.

James: Half terrified,

Bellatrix: Awww, are the poor wittle Muggles scawed of the mean ol' wizard baby?

James: half furious, they acted as though any chair with Harry in it were empty.

Lucius: Really, how is this not a good thing?

James: Although this was an improvement in many ways,

Sirius: Exactly! Count your blessings, lad!

James: it did become a bit depressing after a while.

Remus: Understandable. I read somewhere that people can only go for forty days without human companionship before they start to go insane.

Lucius: Nightwing, how long have you been alone?

Nightwing: Oh, sod off, I've always been like this.

James: Harry kept to his room, with his new owl for company.

Lily: At least he's got something pretty to look at while he's by himself! *beams*

James: He had decided to call her Hedwig,

Lily: And he gave her a pretty name, too! Hedwig, I love it!
Remus: Saint Hedwig was a duchess in the twelfth century known for her compassion. There was a nunnery established for her that took care of orphans.

Peter: Really? I didn't know that.

Remus: You should, it's in A History of Magic.

James: a name he had found in A History of Magic.

Remus: See?

Peter: *sticks his tongue out at Remus*

James: His school books were very interesting.

Sirius: Interesting? Merlin's pants, Prongs, where did you find this kid?

James: God only knows.

Lily: I know. He's my son, too, and I loved my school books!

Narcissa: Of course he found the theft of secrets interesting-- he's part Mudblood!

Nightwing: I was hoping not to have so many donkeys in this chapter, but Narcissa, you give me no choice. *turns her into a donkey*

Narcissa the Donkey: AARGH.

James: He lay on his bed reading late into the night,

Remus: ... right, this boy really does take after Lily more than James.

Lily: Good.

James: *scowls* Hedwig swooping in and out of the open window as she pleased.

Severus: That's really a rather stupid idea. The owl will bring back dead rodents and surely infuriate the Muggle woman.

James: It was lucky that Aunt Petunia didn't come in to vacuum anymore, because Hedwig kept bringing back dead mice.

Severus: See?

Lily: At least Petunia's not seeing it, though. Harry gets to live another day.

Sirius: Yum, dinner!

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Sirius: What? At least Harry's not starving while they ignore him!

Remus: Padfoot, that's disgusting.

Sirius: That's what I'm here for!

James: Every night before he went to sleep,

Remus: That sounds about right. He'd have to be a vampire to sleep during the day.

Nightwing: *growls* Vampires....

James: Harry ticked off another day on the piece of paper he had pinned to the wall, counting down to September the first.

Bellatrix: Somebody's desperate to get out of there.

Narcissa the Donkey: Wouldn't you be?

Bellatrix: Good point. *pause* Actually, if I were forced to live in that Muggle infested dunghill, I would have ran off long ago.

Lucius: Before or after eradicating the Muggles?

Bellatrix: After, of course!

James: On the last day of August he thought he'd better speak to his aunt and uncle about getting to King's Cross station the next day,

Remus: Well, that's leaving things a bit late, isn't it? Looks like he doesn't completely take after Lily.

Lily: *slaps James*

James: I didn't even do anything!

Lily: You gave my son your genes!

James: *scowls* so he went down to the living room where they were watching a quiz show on television.

Lucius: A what on telly-vision?

Nightwing: A quiz show. Some guy in a suit sparkly enough to give David Bowie's Labyrinth character a heart attack-- trust me, that's saying something even if he is unbelievably sexy-- asks questions in an overly loud voice and specially chosen Muggles answer them. If they answer right, they win money and totally freak out. It's completely pointless, but still, people watch 'em.

Sirius: Bit opinionated, aren't you?

Remus: And enough with the Labyrinth fangirling! This is a Harry Potter fic!

Nightwing: Oh, go boil your head. I can squeal over my other fandoms too if I want. I'm not biased. *winks*

James: He cleared his throat to let them know he was there,

Remus: Because they clearly wouldn't have noticed had he not.

James: and Dudley screamed and ran from the room.

All: *burst out laughing*

Sirius: Serves you right, you great bullying git!

Nightwing: And that's the last we see of Dudley!

All: *cheer*

James: "Er--Uncle Vernon?" Uncle Vernon grunted to show he was listening.

Remus: Because heaven forbid he actually just spoke.

Sirius: I thought we'd established that he's escaped from a zoo?

James: "Er--I need to be at King's Cross tomorrow to--to go to Hogwarts."

Lily: Oh, don't say the name of the school, Harry! That'll only make him angry!

James: Uncle Vernon grunted again.

Bellatrix: Speak, you brainless oaf! Speak!

Lucius: He's a prime example of Muggle intelligence, isn't he?

Bellatrix: *smirks* You said it.

Lily and Nightwing: *glance at each other and sigh*

James: "Would it be all right if you gave me a lift?"

Sirius: Of course not, it means he has to be with you.

Remus: Then again, it also means that he'll be getting rid of Harry for nine months.

Sirius: This is true.

James: Grunt. Harry supposed that meant yes.

Narcissa the Donkey: Good job, Potter, you've learned to speak Obese Imbecilic Muggle!

Nightwing: Way to insult somebody I don't like! *turns her back*

Narcissa: *smirks* I forgot I could do that.

James: "Thank you."

Lily: Aww, he's even polite to someone who hasn't even paid him the courtesy of speaking! *beams*

James: He was about to go back upstairs when Uncle Vernon actually spoke.

All: *gasp in amazement*

James: "Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train.

Lucius: What's so odd about that? We've been using it since before Muggles developed the technology!

James: Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?"

Remus: No, actually, they've been illegal for decades! And really, they're not very practical for transporting the numbers of students who need to get to Hogwarts every year.

Sirius: Breathe, Moony, breathe.

James: Harry didn't say anything. "Where is this school, anyway?"

All: *open their mouths to answer*

Peter: Really, where is it?

Remus: Somewhere in northern Scotland, I think, but they do such a good job of hiding it from us that no one really knows.

Bellatrix: What is the point of keeping it hidden like that?

Remus: My guess is to keep enemies from attacking and turning it into a school of the Dark Arts or worse.

Bellatrix: I repeat, what is the point of that? We could always use more Death Eaters!

James: "I don't know," said Harry, realizing this for the first time.

Sirius: Best get used to that, lad, no one really does.

James: He pulled the ticket Hagrid had given him out of his pocket. "I just take the train from platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock," he read.

Lucius: Because the Muggles are surely going to understand that. The platform's hidden from them for a reason!

James: His aunt and uncle stared.

Lucius: As I said....

James: "Platform what?"

All: "Nine and three-quarters."

Sirius: Hey, Prongs, was that really in the book?

James: Yeah, look! *shows him the words*

Sirius: Wow.... That was weird!

Bellatrix: Not really. We all know what the platform is.

James: "Don't talk rubbish," said Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: *as Harry* How can I not, when I've spent my entire life with a man who can't speak properly? All you ever do is snarl...

James: ... and bark...

Sirius: ... and hiss...

James: ... and grunt....

Sirius: And roar!

James: "There is no platform nine and three-quarters."

Narcissa: You also said there was no such thing as magic, but how right did you turn out to be about that?

James: "It's on my ticket."

Severus: Just because something's written on a piece of paper doesn't mean it's true.

Lily: It does in this case.

Severus: Of course, but as a general rule, that's quite a stupid way of figuring anything out.

James: "Barking,"

Sirius: *barks*

Bellatrix: What was that?

Sirius: Barking, what did it sound like?

Bellatrix: *long suffering sigh* You are such an idiot....

James: said Uncle Vernon, "howling-- oh, Merlin, here we go again....

Sirius and Remus: *howl in perfect unison*

James: *rolls his eyes* howling mad, the lot of them.

Narcissa: Excuse me, we're not all mad.

Bellatrix: Only some of us. *glares pointedly at Sirius*

Sirius: Please. You can hardly be called sane, little miss "The Dark Lord will always return."

Bellatrix: But he will always return!

James: *cuts them off* You'll see. You just wait.

Lucius: Yes, you mentioned that. Severus, you were right. This book is maddeningly redundant.

James: All right, we'll take you to King's Cross.

Remus: *blinks* Wow. I didn't expect that.

James: We're going up to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn't bother."

Sirius: Hooray for happy coincidences!

Peter: I wonder why they're going to London?

Sirius: Who cares?

James: "Why are you going to London?" Harry asked,

Peter: ... apparently, Harry cares.

Sirius: Apparently.

James: trying to keep things friendly.

Remus: Good incentive for everything.

James: "Taking Dudley to the hospital," growled Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: To get euthanized because no one wanted him alive anymore?

Nightwing: Hey, hey, no recycling jokes.

Remus: That means no more chicken-monkey-muffins out of you lot.

James: Bite your tongue! "Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings."

Lucius: I wonder what they told the Muggles who had to remove that thing.

Nightwing: The Great Goddess J.K. Rowling said that they said it was a wart grown out of control.

Lucius: And the Muggle Healers believed that load of rubbish?

Nightwing: I assume so, as Dudley doesn't have a tail in any of the other books.

Lucius: Merlin's beard, Muggles are thick.

Lily and Nightwing: *glare*

James: Harry woke at five o'clock the next morning

Lily: Dear Lord, Harry, five o' clock?! Go back to sleep!!!

James: and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep.

Lily: *nods* Understandable. Still not good, but understandable.

James: He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn't want to walk into the station in his wizard's robes--

Sirius: Ah, he's a smart lad. Grown up with Muggles and already he knows about the Statute of Secrecy!

James: So much for all these cracks about my intelligence, eh, Slytherins? he'd change on the train.

Peter: That's what most people do!

James: He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed,

Bellatrix: If he doesn't, though, it's a bit late to do anything about it now.

James: saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage, and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up.

Sirius: That must have been boring. Doing nothing but pacing around for God knows how long!

Remus: Knowing you, you'd have woken your mother, your father, your brother, your house elf, and all the portraits in your house while trying to relieve your boredom if you were in that position.

Sirius: 'Course I would've. Of course, I would have gotten hexed within an inch of my life for it, but I'd still have done it.

Bellatrix: You know, it's really not surprising Auntie wants to disown you.

James: Two hours later,

Sirius: Two hours?

James: I swear, Padfoot, you're like a little kid. Yes, two hours!

Sirius: Sorry... but really, two hours? Can people stand to do nothing for that long?

James: Apparently, Harry can. Harry's huge,

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something dirty*

Remus: *pokes him with his wand* Shut-- *pokes him with his wand again* -- up.

James: heavy trunk-- see, Padfoot, nothing dirty about it, as usual-- had been loaded

Peter: Like a loaded baked potato-- yum!

Nightwing: Does he ever think of anything besides food?

Remus: Not usually, no.

James: into the Dursleys' car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry,

Lucius: How long to you think that took?

Severus: Somewhere within two hours, apparently.

Bellatrix: I bet while the fat lard and the Potter boy were packing the trunk, Mummy Muggle and her itty bitty baby were arguing about how Dinky Diddydums didn't wanna sit next to the mean ol' wizard.

Sirius: Knew we couldn't get through a page without her using that voice....

James: and they had set off. They reached King's Cross at half past ten.

Lily: Ooh, better hurry, Harry!

Remus: Really. Is that even enough time for a first year raised by Muggles to figure out how to get onto the platform?

James: Uncle Vernon dumped Harry's trunk onto a cart and wheeled it into the station for him.

Sirius: That was... nice... of him....

Remus: Hold up. I don't trust this.

Sirius: I'd make fun of you for being paranoid, but I can't shake the feeling that you're right.

James: Harry thought this was strangely kind

Remus: I concur. Something's up.

James: until Uncle Vernon stopped dead,

All except James and Nightwing: DIE!

Nightwing: Oh, I wish.

James: facing the

Bellatrix: Death Eater who had blasted him with an Avada Kedavra.

Narcissa: Pointed end of the knife he had been stabbed with.

Severus: Cloud of Garroting Gas that had strangled him to death.

Lucius: Chimaera that had just bitten his head off.

Nightwing: *sarcastically* How did I know you were going to say that, Lucy-poo?

Lucius: Don't call me that.

Nightwing: Lucy-poo.

Lucius: Grrrr....

James: platforms

Bellatrix, Narcissa, Severus, and Lucius: Boring.

Lucius: with a nasty grin on his face.

Remus: I knew it.

Peter: How is he always right?

James: "Well, there you are, boy.

Lily: He has a name! Use it!

James: Platform nine--platform ten.

Peter: I think he forgot one.

Bellatrix: No, he just can't see it, imbecile!

James: Your platform should be somewhere in the middle,

Sirius: And it is.

James: but they don't seem to have built it yet, do they?"

Narcissa: Oh, don't worry, it's built. You just can't see it because it's hidden from foul Muggle eyes like yours!

James: He was quite right, of course. What?! No, he wasn't!

Nightwing: James, we've all established this. Chill.

Remus: Yes, there's still quite a bit of this book left, then six more. He'll get through eventually.

Sirius: Be a bit of a boring series if he didn't, wouldn't it?

Remus: Shall we find out how?

James: We shall. There was a big plastic number nine over one platform and a big plastic number ten over the one next to it, and in the middle, nothing at all.

Bellatrix: Except a wall. And a secret passageway. So for the love of the Dark Lord, go through it!

James: "Have a good term," said Uncle Vernon with an even nastier smile.

Peter: Oh, he will-- you won't be there!

James: He left without another word.

Lucius: Good, go away. That had better be the last we see of him!

Nightwing: Wait two more sentences, Lucy-poo.

Lucius: Don't. Call. Me. That.

James: Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away.

All except Nightwing: AND STAY GONE!

James: All three of them were laughing.

Sirius: *swears*

Nightwing: Indeed. Still, can't complain too much, because that's the last we see of them until the end of the book!

All: *cheer*

James: Harry's mouth went rather dry.

Peter: Time for a glass of water!

James: What on earth was he going to do?

Bellatrix: Point your wand at the nearest person and demand that they tell you on pain of death? That's what I'd do.

Sirius: Yes, but you're you.

James: He was starting to attract a lot of chickens.

Peter: Monkeys!

Sirius: Muffins. *shudders*

Remus: Even when he's reading?!

James: You'd better believe it! funny looks, because of Hedwig.

Narcissa: Really, have they never seen an owl before?

Severus: Apparently not.

Lily: Well, they are Muggles.

James: He'd have to ask someone.

Remus: Careful with that, Harry.

James: He stopped a passing guard,

Bellatrix: Don't ask a Muggle, imbecile! What will he know?!

James: but didn't dare mention platform nine and three-quarters.

Remus: Probably a good idea.

Bellatrix: One that he'll likely ruin straight off with a display of the astounding Potter intellect.

James: Stop insulting my intelligence! The guard had never heard of Hogwarts

Bellatrix: See?!

James: and when Harry couldn't even tell him what part of the country it was in,

Remus: Northern Scotland, to anyone's best guess.

James: he started to get annoyed, as though Harry was being stupid on purpose.

Severus: No, not on purpose. He can't help that he's Potter's son.

James: Getting desperate, Harry asked the guard for the train that left at eleven o'clock,

Remus: That's no use, you might end up in Finland or somewhere!

Nightwing: Yeah, even if you like Harry, you really have to admit, that's an incredibly stupid idea.

James: but the guard said there wasn't one.

Remus and Nightwing: See?

James: In the end the guard strode away, muttering about time wasters.

Bellatrix: YOU'RE a time waster, Muggle. Imagine, a wizard willingly holding discourse with a Muggle! Kill him and have done with it, that's what I'd do.

Sirius: *disgusted* No it isn't.

Bellatrix: Hmm, true. I'd actually have a little fun with him first. *evil smirk*

James: Harry was now trying hard not to panic.

Lily: So am I, as a matter of fact. How on Earth is he going to get onto the platform?

James: According to the large clock over the arrivals board, he had ten minutes left to get on the train to Hogwarts

Lily: Ten-- TEN MINUTES? Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God....

Nightwing: *summons a paper bag for her*

Lily: *starts hyperventilating into the bag*

Sirius: How in the world is he supposed to figure this out in ten minutes?!

James: and he had no idea how to do it;

Severus: Haven't we established that by now?

James: he was stranded in the middle of a station with a trunk he could hardly lift, a pocket full of wizard money, and a large owl.

Remus: ... so, basically, if he misses the train, he's screwed. He'll be stranded in the station for a year at best, and committed because of his owl at worst.

Lily: *eyes go wide, and she hyperventilates harder*

James: Hagrid must have forgotten to tell him something you had to do, like tapping the third brick on the left to get into Diagon Alley.

Remus: Of all the times for him to forget something important--!

Lucius: Still advocating his intelligence, Lupin?

James: He wondered if he should get out his wand and start tapping the ticket inspector's stand between platforms nine and ten.

Peter: Afraid not, but you're close, Harry! Try the barrier!

James: At that moment a group of people passed just behind him and he caught a few words of what they were saying.

Bellatrix: As the Mudblood's busy trying not to pass out, allow me to say her line for her. *sneering mockingly* "It's not polite to eavesdrop, Harry dear!"

James: *glares* "--packed with Muggles, of course--"

Sirius: Yes! Wizards! He's saved!

Lily: *lets out a sigh of relief, then collapses to the ground unconscious*

James and Severus: *panic* LILY!!!!

Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, Lucius, Bellatrix, and Narcissa: *give Severus weird looks*

Nightwing: Chill, boys. *types a little on her laptop*

Lily: *wakes up*

James and Severus: *sighs of relief*

Nightwing: See? No harm done. Continue, Prongs.

James: Harry swung around.

Bellatrix: And struck the speaker full in the face with his trunk, effectively smashing their skull wide open and splattering the walkway with blood and what was left of their brain.

All except Bellatrix: *edge away from Bellatrix*

James: The speaker was a plump woman who was talking to four boys, all with flaming red hair.

Lucius: Ugh. Weasleys.

Remus: How do you know?

Lucius: With that many red haired children, it's not exactly difficult to figure it out. My respect for this boy just keeps getting lower.

James: Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry's in front of him--and they had an owl.

Narcissa: Haven't we established that these are wizards by now?

Bellatrix: They're not wizards, they're Weasleys. Hardly worth the name of human, let alone wizard.

Narcissa: Hmm, good point.

James: Heart hammering,

Peter: Ouch.

James: Harry pushed his cart after them.

Bellatrix: And hopefully, over them. They'd deserve it, the filthy pack of blood traitor brats!

James: They stopped and so did he, just near enough to hear what they were saying.

Lily: It's not polite to eavesdrop, Harry!

James: But this is important, Lily! "Now, what's the platform number?" said the boys' mother.

All: "Nine and three-quarters!"

James: piped a small girl, also red-headed,

Lucius: Oh, my God, the Weasleys finally had a girl? No! Now they can produce pure blooded Weasleys! This is awful!

Sirius: The Weasleys don't interbreed, Malfoy, unlike some Wizarding families.

Lucius: Which is a very good thing indeed for the fate of this planet!

James: who was holding her hand, "Mom, can't I go..."

Remus: By the look of things, she's not old enough yet. You'll get your chance soon, little one, just be patient.

Bellatrix: Are all you Gryffindors going to start talking to the book like it can hear you?

Nightwing: Hey, I talk to books all the time, and I'm a Ravenclaw.

Sirius: *snickers* Yeah, you should hear her reading The Hunchback of Notre Dame. *imitating me with a high pitched, shrieky voice* "No, Esmeralda, will you shut up about Phoebus for ten seconds! He doesn't love you, he's just messing with your heart to show off for Fleur-de-Lys! Marry Claude! MARRY CLAUDE!!!!"

Remus: The sad part is, that was extremely accurate. Although her language is quite a bit more colorful than that....

James: "You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet.

Lily: Well, that was rather rude.

James: All right, Percy, you go first."

Lucius: *sneers* Percy?

Nightwing: Actually, I think it's short for Percival in this case, as in, the Knight of the Round Table. That's plenty Wizard-y.

Lucius: No. No, it's not.

Nightwing: *ignores him even though he's pretty* Or the Greek hero Perseus, who killed Medusa.

James: What looked like the oldest boy marched toward platforms nine and ten.

Sirius: Watch carefully, my lad!

James: Harry watched, careful not to blink in case he missed it--

Sirius: All right, maybe not that carefully. You do need to blink sometime!

James: but just as the boy reached the dividing barrier between to the two platforms, a large crowd of tourists came swarming in front of him

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *groan in frustration*

Remus: Could they possibly have chosen a worse time to cross?

James: and by the time the last backpack had cleared away, the boy had vanished.

Bellatrix: Indeed he had. Isn't that the point of a secret passageway?

James: "Fred, you next," the plump woman said.

"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy.

Sirius: She doesn't even know her sons' names? Honestly, she calls herself his mother?

Lucius: Well, they are Weasleys. It must be hard to keep track when you reproduce like rabbits.

James: "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother?

All: *blink*

All except Sirius: *stare at Sirius*

Sirius: That was... weird....

James: Can't you tell I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy, and off he went.

Lucius: And she shows the famous Weasley intellect, rivaled only by that of the Potters. Confusing her sons' names!

James: His twin

Sirius: Well, that explains quite a bit.

Remus: Really, though, that's quite immature. Most twins grow out of pretending to be each other by the time they're about four.

James: I dunno, I kind of like these two!

Sirius: Same here!
Nightwing: *grinning* Oh, you like them now? Just you wait, guys, you haven't seen anything yet!

James: called after him to hurry up, and he must have done so, because a second later, he had gone--but how had he done it?

Bellatrix: RUN THROUGH THE BARRIER!!!!

James: Now the third brother was walking briskly toward the barrier--he was almost there--and then, quite suddenly, he wasn't anywhere.

Bellatrix: Because even a Weasley has enough sense to know to RUN THROUGH THE BARRIER!

James: There was nothing else for it.

Bellatrix: Finally!

James: "Excuse me," Harry said to the plump woman.

Lily: Oh, he's so polite. *beams* I love my son.

James: You mean our son.

Lily: No. My son.

James: *sigh* "Hello, dear," she said. "First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too."

Lily: Oh, I do like this woman, she's very nice!

Narcissa: *sneers* Being nice never got anyone anywhere.

James: She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons.

Lucius: Youngest for the next ten minutes, anyway, before she has another one.

Lily: You're being rather ridiculous, you know. No one can bear children that quickly.

Lucius: Oh, you don't know the Weasleys, Mudblood. They aren't birthed, they materialize. There are probably six more right now.

James: He was tall, thin, and gangling, with freckles, big hands and feet, and a long nose.

Lucius: In short, everything that makes a Weasley a disgusting, miserable Weasley.

James: "Yes," said Harry. "The thing is--the thing is, I don't know how to--"

Lily: Oh, don't be nervous, dear, she won't harm you!

James: "How to get onto the platform?" she said kindly, and Harry nodded. "Not to worry," she said. "All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

Bellatrix: Exactly! What is so hard about that?!

James: Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important.

Peter: Yeah, because if you are, you'll end up falling forward, flat on your face.

Sirius: *snickers* Speaking from experience, Wormy?

Peter: *turns pink* Shut up.

James: Best to do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go on, go now before Ron."

Narcissa: Exactly, because everyone knows that anyone outranks a Weasley.

James: "Er--okay," said Harry. He pushed his trolley around and stared at the barrier. It looked very solid.

Severus: Really, does this boy expect magic to be obvious?

James: He started to walk toward it.

Lily: *squeals*

Bellatrix: Finally....

James: People jostled him on their way to platforms nine and ten. Harry walked more quickly. He was going to smash right into that barrier and then he'd be in trouble--

Peter: No, don't think like that! You'll fall!

James: leaning forward over his cart, he broke into a heavy run--

Sirius: And fell flat on his face into the train tracks. Just like Peter. *snickers*

Peter: *turning pink* Shut up!

James: the barrier was coming nearer and nearer--

Narcissa: Yes, that's generally what happens when you run towards something.

James: he wouldn't be able to stop--

Lily: Of course you will, love, it's not hard!

James: the cart was out of control--

Peter: You know, I think he might end up following in my footsteps.... *sigh*

James: he was a foot away--he closed his eyes ready for the crash--

All: THERE IS NO CRASH!!!

James: It didn't come...he kept on running...

Sirius: And fell.

James: Hey, don't you start trying to kill my son, too! he opened his eyes. A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people.

Lucius: Has anyone ever wondered why the Hogwarts Express is red if they're trying to promote Inter-House Unity?

Sirius: *imitating him back in The Letters from No One* Nah, it just means they've realized which the best House is.

Sirius, James, and Peter: *snicker*

Bellatrix, Narcissa, Severus, and Lucius: *glare*

James: A sign overhead said Hogwarts Express, eleven o'clock.

Lily: *lets out an ear-splitting squeal*

All except Lily: *hold their hands over their ears in pain*

James: Harry looked behind him and saw a wrought-iron archway where the barrier had been,

Bellatrix: That would be called a SECRET PASSAGEWAY.

James: with the words Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on it.

Peter: See? We told you it was real!

James: He had done it.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *cheers and applause*

James: Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats

Sirius: Booooo....

Lily: Why do you all hate cats so much?!

Peter: Cats are evil... *shudders*

James: of every color wound here and there between their legs.

Sirius: Ah, so the kitty cats are trying to get some, are they?

Remus: Can you stop being perverted for ten seconds?

James: Owls hooted to one another in a disgruntled sort of way

Severus: Yes, they don't much like being in their cages, do they?

James: over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks. The first few carriages were already packed with chickens.

Remus: Oh, bloody hell....

Peter: Monkeys!

Sirius: Muffins. *shudder*

Remus: You guys have GOT to find another running joke. That one stopped being funny in the second chapter!

James: students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families,

Sirius: Like Wormtail, here. *snickers* Oh, Peter, dear, are you absolutely sure you haven't forgotten anything? Clean socks? Clean robes? Clean knickers? Do you need any cuts disinfected, Peter? That was a nasty fall! Can I lick your shoes one more time, Peter?
Peter: *turns pink* Shut up.

James: some fighting over seats.

Remus: I seem to remember that happening with a certain Marauder, too....

Sirius: Of course it did, it was Snape. Everyone knows a greasy git like him doesn't deserve the back compartment. That's where the cool people sit.

Severus: Says who? I have every right to sit where I want!

Sirius: Says social heiarchy, and even though you're a Slytherin and think you're so high and mighty, guess what? You're crawling around at rock bottom, Snivelly.

Severus: *lip curls*

James: Harry pushed his cart off down the platform in search of an empty seat.

Sirius: Shouldn't be too hard, people should be queuing up to sit with famous Harry Potter.

Lily: That is, if they recognize him.

James: Not recognizing my son? Be serious!

Sirius: *whines like a dog* But I'm Sirius!

James: He passed a round-faced boy who was saying, "Gran, I've lost my toad again."

Bellatrix: He says that like it's a bad thing!

Lucius: Really. If I'd been forced to bring a toad, I'd lose it at the first chance I got!

James: "Oh, Neville,"

Bellatrix: What kind of a name is Neville?

Lily: I don't know, I kind of like it. Sounds like a good, strong name.

Bellatrix: *scoffs*

James: he heard the old woman sigh. A boy with dreadlocks

Sirius: Always a way to stand out and look cool.

James: was surrounded by a small crowd. "Give us a look, Lee, go on."

Sirius: Several girls shrieked in ecstasy as Lee obliged and gave everyone a good look at his--

James: *reads loudly* The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms, and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long, hairy leg.

Sirius: Sounds like the ugliest hooker ever to jump out of a cake... or in this case, a box.

Nightwing: *shudders*

Remus: *notices* Something tells me it wasn't a girl, Padfoot.

Sirius: Was it a man, then? That would make more sense....

Nightwing: A tarantula. It's a freaking tarantula. Ewwww.....

Lucius: I take it you don't like spiders, then?

Nightwing: No. I. Don't.

Bellatrix, Narcissa, Severus, and Lucius: *glance around at each other, smirking evilly*

Nightwing: If any of you dares to do anything with that, you don't even want to KNOW what I'll do to you!

James: Harry pressed on through the crowd until he found an empty compartment near the end of the train.

Sirius: Where everybody who's anybody sits. Except Snivellus, of course. *smirks*

Severus: *glares*

James: He put Hedwig inside first

Peter: As he well should have, what with her being a lady and all.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: What? You should always let ladies go first!

Remus: Peter-- it's an owl.

James: and then started to shove and heave

Sirius: Watch it now, he's going to be sick.

James: his trunk

Sirius: Or not.

James: toward the train door. He tried to lift it up the steps

Lucius: How is that working out for you, exactly? *snickers* If he's about his father's size, I doubt he'd even be able to lift the handle!

James: *glares sulkily* but could hardly raise one end

Lucius: See? I was right. *smirks* Being pathetic must be in the genes. You must be so proud, Evans. Aren't you glad you married him?

Lily: *cheeks go dangerously red* Shut it, Malfoy, I'm warning you.

Lucius: I'm shaking in my boots, Mudblood.

James: and twice he dropped it painfully on his foot.

Remus: *winces* Ouch. You might want to ask someone to help you, there, lad. You wouldn't want to break your foot.

James: "Want a hand?"

Sirius: Brilliant! He's got someone to help him!

James: It was one of the red-haired twins he'd followed through the barrier.

Sirius: Even more brilliant! It's one of the successors to our empire of magical mischief, Prongs!

James: Excellent!
Lily: How do you know these twins will be as bad as you two?

Sirius: Just a feeling... and the gold in my pocket thinks so, too.

Lily: I'm not betting on this, so don't even think about asking.

Sirius: Oh, you're no fun.

James: "Yes, please," Harry panted.

Sirius: Taken on its own, that sentence could sound so delightfully wrong!

Nightwing: With you, is there anything that couldn't?

James: "Oy, Fred! C'mere and help!"

Bellatrix: *sneers* What's the magic word?

James: With the twins' help, Harry's trunk was at last tucked away in a corner of the compartment.

Severus: That took long enough.

James: "Thanks," said Harry, pushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

Sirius: Thanks for a brilliant night in the sack, boys! I didn't even know humans could move like that!

Remus: Shut. Up. Sirius.

James: "What's that?"

Peter: What's what?

Sirius: *points at the wall* That.

Peter: I don't see anything!

Remus: Oi, Padfoot, stop torturing Wormtail. There's nothing there. *glances at Nightwing* Honestly, I think I'm the only mature one in this lot....

Sirius: Maturity is overrated.

James: Hear hear! said one of the twins suddenly, pointing at Harry's lightning scar.

Lily: Oh. *glares contemptuously at James* That.

James: I did not knife our son! I thought we'd already figured out that it was Voldemort!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Lily: That's what they all say.

James: *sighs* "Blimey," said the other twin. "Are you--?"

Peter: What?

All except Peter: *ignore him*

James: "He is," said the first twin.

Peter: What?

All except Peter: *ignore him*

James: "Aren't you?" he added to Harry.

Peter: *starting to lose his patience with everybody ignoring him* WHAT?

James: "What?" said Harry.

Peter: That's what I keep saying!

James: "Harry Potter," chorused the twins.

Peter: Ohhhh! Of course they noticed that, I mean, with the scar--

Severus: Stop treating us as though we're less intelligent than you, Pettigrew. We all knew that already.

James: "Oh, him," said Harry.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *facepalm*

James: "I mean, yes, I am."

Sirius: Nice recovery, lad.

Remus: No, it wasn't.

Sirius: Shut up, Moony. *immaturely sticks his tongue out at him*

James: The two boys gawked at him,

Lily: For God's sake, my poor son is not something you goggle at in a zoo!

James: and Harry felt himself turning red.

Lily: I don't doubt it!

James: Then, to his relief, a voice came floating in through the train's open door.

Lily: Thank you, Mrs. Weasley!

James: "Fred? George? Are you there?"

Sirius: Of course they are! They're EVERYWHERE! *cackles insanely*

All except Sirius: *edge away from Sirius*

James: "Coming, Mom."

Lucius: *sneers* Who says Mum with an O?

Nightwing: Americans, that's who. I have the American version of this book. I have to admit, though-- since they changed that to the U in all the other books, the O even looks weird to me.

James: With a last look at Harry, the twins hopped off the train.

Lily: Good. Now stop staring at my poor little Harry!

James: Harry sat down next to the window where, half hidden, he could watch the

Sirius: Procession of half-naked veela parading down the Platform.

All except Sirius: SIRIUS! *or* BLACK!

Sirius: What? I'm just trying to add a bit of interest!

James: red-haired family

Bellatrix: Better known as the Weasleys or simply as filth.

James: on the platform and hear what they were saying.

Lily: HARRY! How many times do I have to tell you that eavesdropping isn't polite?!

Narcissa: It's a BOOK, Evans!

James: Their mother had just taken out her handkerchief.

Severus: Oh, Good Lord, she's not going to start crying, is she?

James: "Ron, you've got something on your nose."

Lucius: No, she's not, it would seem.

Severus: Good.

James: The youngest boy tried to jerk out of the way, but she grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his nose.

Bellatrix: Mothers!

James: "Mom--geroff." He wriggled free.

Nightwing: Ron reminds me so much of myself there, it's not even funny.

James: "Aaah, has ickle Ronnie got somefink on his nosie?" said one of the twins.

James and Sirius: *laugh*

Sirius: Just like me making fun of Regulus!

James: "Shut up," said Ron.

Peter: Awww, he's no fun.

James: "Where's Percy?" said their mother.

Sirius: He died.

James: "He's coming now." The oldest boy came striding into sight.

Sirius: Nothing good ever comes from someone who strides.

James: He had already changed into his billowing black Hogwarts robes,

Remus: Someone's a little anxious to get there.

James: and Harry noticed a shiny silver badge on his chest with the letter P in it.

Sirius and James: Boooooooooo....

Remus and Lily: Hey!

Lucius: There's nothing wrong with being a prefect. It only means we're better than you. *smirk*

Narcissa: He was a prefect and Head Boy! *holds onto Lucius's arm and gazes up at him adoringly*

Bellatrix: *gags*

James: *in an overly lofty voice, totally making fun of Percy* "Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves--"

Sirius: Bully for you.

Lily: And that means that certain non-prefects shouldn't spy on the prefects for an HOUR before the Gryffindor girl has to hex him, right, Potter?

James: *meekly* Yes, ma'am. "Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?"

Lucius: Apparently.

James: said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea."

Lucius: Try reading the letter on his badge, nitwit!

Narcissa: Lucius, dear, I think we may be overestimating them.

Lucius: Good point. They are Weasleys, after all.

James: "Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin.

Lily: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm here?

James: "Once--"

"Or twice--"

"A minute--"

"All summer--"

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *laugh*

Sirius: Brilliant! I love these two already!

James: Reminds me a bit of someone else I know, actually. *smirks at Remus*

Remus: Oh, shut up.

James: "Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.

Sirius: *smirks* You're not helping your case at all here, Moony.

Remus: *sulks*

Nightwing: Aww, Remus and Percy aren't anything alike. Percy's a git, and Remus is a sweetheart. *beams*

James: "How come Percy gets new robes, anyway?" said one of the twins.

Bellatrix: Because they didn't really need the house they sold to get them.

James: "Because he's a prefect," said their mother fondly.

Peter: That's a horrible reason!

Lily: Actually, I'm all for her rewarding her son for such a great achievement.

Sirius: It's not an achievement, it's a death sentence!

James: "All right, dear, well, have a good term-- send me an owl when you get there."

Peter: My mum tells me to do that every year and I never do.

Bellatrix: And you always get a Howler back for it. *snickers*

Peter: *turns bright red*

James: She kissed Percy on the cheek and he left.

Sirius, James, Peter, and Nightwing: Good.

James: Then she turned to the twins.

Peter: Now that's more like it!

James: "Now, you two--this year, you behave yourselves.

Sirius: *in a whiny voice* But that takes all the fun out of life!

James: If I get one more owl telling me you've--you've blown up a toilet or--"

Remus: Is that all they've done? And here I thought they'd be as bad as you two!

Nightwing: Oh, you haven't heard anything yet.

James: "Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."

Sirius: You poor deprived children!

Severus: Actually, I'm sure everyone else at Hogwarts is quite grateful for not having to deal with the contents of a toilet being splattered everywhere.

Bellatrix: And by everywhere, we mean "all over Slytherin Dungeon and the corridor leading to it."

Sirius and James: *snicker evilly*

James: "Great idea though, thanks, Mom."

Peter: I'm sure Mrs. Weasley's kicking herself for mentioning that.

Lucius: Thus knocking loose four more children from her womb.

James: "It's not funny.

Sirius, James, and Peter: Yes it is!

James: And look after Ron."

Lily: Oh, dear, this can't end well.

James: "Don't worry, ickle Ronniekins is safe with us."

Lily: I seriously doubt that....

James: "Shut up," said Ron again.

Narcissa: That's the third time those two have been told to shut up in the last page. You'd think they'd take the hint by now.

Lucius: Aren't you overestimating the Weasleys a bit, dear?

Narcissa: Yes... yes, I suppose I am.

James: He was almost as tall as the twins already

Nightwing: Lucky... *sulks*

Peter: Why, how tall are you?

Severus: Shorter than the rest of us, in case you haven't noticed.

Nightwing: ... five foot two. Don't ask me to translate this into metric, because I have no idea how.

James: and his nose was still pink where his mother had rubbed it.

Peter: If she'd kept rubbing, it might turn red!

Nightwing: *sings* Ronald, the Red-Nosed Weasley! *cracks up*

All except Nightwing: *give her weird looks*

Nightwing: You guys can not seriously tell me that song hasn't made it to the Wizarding world.

Lily: I know it, but that doesn't mean I don't think you're a bit mad.

Nightwing: ... hmm, good point.

James: "Hey, Mom, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?"

Severus: Father Christmas.

Lucius: Judging by the way this boy's carrying on, the Dark Lord himself!

Bellatrix: A Weasley, meet the Dark Lord and live to tell about it? Not bloody likely!

James: Harry leaned back quickly so they couldn't see him looking.

Lily: It's not polite to--

Bellatrix: WE KNOW, EVANS!!!

James: "You know that black-haired boy who was near us in the station? Know who he is?"

Severus: *sarcastically* Do enlighten us, we've no idea.

James: "Who?"

Peter: Really, who?

Remus: Don't talk, Peter. Seriously.

Sirius: But I'm Sirius Lee!

Remus: Padfoot, that joke wasn't funny to start with.

Bellatrix: And your middle name is Orion.

Sirius: Not if I don't want it to be.

James: "Harry Potter!"

Peter: Oh. Right. He does have black hair, doesn't he?

James: *facepalm* Harry heard the little girl's voice.

Remus: I have a feeling she's going to be important later on. I mean, she's been mentioned several times already and we do know her name....

Nightwing: Not all the named characters in this book are important. Granted, Ginny is, starting in the next book, but all I'm saying is don't go following that logic.

Remus: Thanks for the warning.

James: "Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, oh please..."

Lily: No, you ruddy well cannot! Just because he has a scar on his forehead doesn't mean you can sit there and stare at him all day as it pleases you! I mean, he might be famous, but he's still a human being with thoughts and feelings and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate being stared at--

Remus: Relax, Lily. I agree with you, but... relax.

James: "You've already seen him, Ginny,

Lily: Yes, you have, and that should be enough for you!

James: and the poor boy isn't something you goggle at in a zoo.

Lily: *blinks* I think I said the exact same thing earlier on.

Nightwing: Great mums think alike!

James: Is he really, Fred? How do you know?"

Lucius: Is it really necessary to go over this again? We all read that bit five minutes ago....

James: "Asked him.

Remus: Always a good way to find out information. I mean, he could have been lying, but....

Lily: My son? Be serious!
Sirius: But I'm Sirius!

James: Saw his scar. It's really there--like lightning."

Narcissa: As opposed to what, like thunder?

Peter: How would that work?

Severus: There's something called sarcasm, Pettigrew, have you heard of it?

James: "Poor dear--no wonder he was alone, I wondered.

Remus: And yet she still had the decency not to ask. I approve!

Lucius: *derisively* You would, Lupin.

James: He was ever so polite when he asked how to get onto the platform."

Lily: Good boy, Harry! *beams*

Narcissa: What is he, a dog?

Lily: Oh, shut it. *goes right back to being happy* I love my son.

James: "Never mind that, do you think he remembers what You-Know-Who looks like?"

Remus: That's so insensitive! "Hey, welcome to Hogwarts. Now let me ask you questions about the most traumatic event in your young life!"

Bellatrix: I could answer that if anyone actually cares to know. *smirk*

Sirius: But we don't. Continue, Prongs.

James: Yeah, we don't want her to get started anyway. Their mother suddenly became very stern.

Lily: As well she should!

James: "I forbid you to ask him, Fred. No, don't you dare.

Remus: Good. Harry needs a parental figure with sense.

Lily: How do you know she's going to be a parental figure?

Remus: Seems like the sort of person who would be. Besides, she's been hanging around so long, she must be important.

Sirius: But James said I'm going to be his godfather! I'm supposed to be his parental figure!

Severus: So where exactly are you then?

Sirius: *falters* I... well... you see... *suddenly annoyed* Bugger off, Snivellus!

Severus: *smirks*

James: As though he needs reminding of that on his first day at school."

Lily: I agree! Thank you, Mrs. Weasley!

James: "All right, keep your hair on."

Lucius: Then again, if you take it off, it won't be quite so easy to tell how inferior you are.

James: A whistle sounded.

Sirius: *wolf whistles* Oh, mama, let me be the daddy of your next kid!

Remus: Not that kind of whistle, Padfoot.

Sirius: What, I can't have a little fun?

James: "Hurry up!" their mother said, and the three boys clambered onto the train.

Severus: I hate that word. Clamber. It shouldn't be a verb, it should be a shellfish!

James: They leaned out of the window for her to kiss them good-bye,

Sirius: Which she did. With much gusto. And tongue.

Bellatrix: Sirius, she's their mother!!!

Sirius: I know. *smirks*

James: and their younger sister began to cry.

Bellatrix: Ugh, crying children. That has got to be the most irritating noise in the world.

Nightwing: *nods in agreement*

James: "Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."

Lucius: *sneers* If they can afford the postage, that is.

James: "We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat."

Peter: I wonder how many owls it would take to send a toilet seat....

Sirius: New prank idea?

Peter: Definitely!

James: "George!"

Sirius: Oh, you're no fun....

James: "Only joking, Mom."

Narcissa: Somehow I highly doubt that.

James: The train began to move.

Lily: *squeals with excitement*

Bellatrix: Oh, God, not this again....

James: Harry saw the boys' mother waving and their sister, half laughing, half crying,

Lily: Awwww!

James: running to keep up with the train until it gathered too much speed, then she fell back and waved.

Lily: Awww, this girl is adorable! I hope she ends up friends with Harry when she's old enough to go to Hogwarts!

Nightwing: Well, then, I think you'll be quite pleasantly surprised from the next book on.

Lily: *squeals happily*

James: Harry watched the girl

Remus: Why does it keep calling her "the girl?" Didn't it say twice that her name is Ginny?

Nightwing: Hell if I know. Don't worry, that'll get fixed up nicely once she becomes important.

James: and her mother disappear as the train rounded the corner.

Lucius: Good. I've had enough of these Weasleys.

Nightwing: Poor Lucy. You've got to put up with loads more of them throughout the series.

Lucius: *sarcastically* Great.... And don't call me Lucy!

James: Houses flashed past the window.

Sirius: And were immediately arrested by the Magical Law Enforcement Squad for indecent exposure.

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

James: Harry felt a great leap of excitement.

Lily: And he's not the only one! *squeals*

James: He didn't know what he was going to--but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind.

Lily: Awww, my son's an optimist! That's so cute! *beams*

James: The door to the compartment slid open and the youngest redheaded boy came in.

Lucius: I thought we were rid of them!
Nightwing: Have you even been listening to a word I've said?

James: "Anyone sitting there?" he asked, pointing at the seat opposite Harry.

Peter: *as Harry* 'Course there are, can't you see my imaginary friends?

James: "Everywhere else is full."

Bellatrix: That, or no one wanted to be caught dead sitting near a miserable Weasley.

Nightwing: You know, all this Weasley hate is getting very old very fast. I do hope you're not going to do this for the rest of the series....

James: Harry shook his head and the boy sat down.

Severus: My respect for this boy just keeps getting lower....

James: He glanced at Harry and then looked quickly out of the window, pretending he hadn't looked.

Narcissa: Well, if the entire train ride goes on like this, this is going to be quite dull.

James: Harry saw he still had a black mark on his nose.

Severus: Why do they keep noticing such random details about each other?

Sirius: Sexual tension?

Remus: First of all, they're eleven. Second of all, stop talking about slash, Padfoot, you know the Authoress doesn't like it.

Sirius: Oh yeah... sorry, Nightwing.

Nightwing: 'S okay. As long as you're not talking about anything REALLY sick or Wolfstar, we're good.

Peter: What's slash and how did you guys know what it was before?

Sirius: Well, Nightwing is entirely too lazy to write a decent description of it, but we can answer the second one. We're muses, remember?

Peter: Oh yeah....

James: "Hey, Ron." The twins were back.

Sirius: Brilliant!

James: "Listen, we're going down the middle of the train--Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there."

Nightwing: Ewww... *whimpers and recoils into her egg chair*

James: "Right," mumbled Ron.

Bellatrix: Something tells me he doesn't want his brothers around. Nor do I, come to think of it. One Weasley at a time is bad enough!

James: "Harry," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves?

Lucius: No, but we hardly need it. Red hair, freckles, hand-me-down robes, more children than your parents can afford... you must be Weasleys.

Nightwing: Oh, wow, déjà vu!

Lucius: What?

Nightwing: Oh, you'll see.

Lucius: How is it déjà vu if we haven't gotten there yet?

Nightwing: I've read this hundreds of times before, remember?

James: Fred and George Weasley. And this is Ron, our brother.

Bellatrix: As opposed to your other head.

James: See you later, then."

Sirius: Bye! *waves like a maniac*

James: "Bye," said Harry and Ron.

Remus: Wow, they're talking in chorus already.

Peter: Just like Sirius and James!

Remus: *nods* I can feel the best friend vibes starting already!

Lily: Let's hope for the sake of the universe that they're not exactly like Black and Potter. The world can only take so many pranksters at once.

Sirius: I think those twins have our positions covered.

James: The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them.

Narcissa: Good. There really should be a law against having more than one Weasley in one place.

James: "Are you really Harry Potter?" Ron blurted out.

Severus: Very subtle. Just what I'd expect from a Weasley.

James: Harry nodded.

Lucius: How eloquent.

James: "Oh--well, I though it might be one of Fred and George's jokes," said Ron.

Sirius: There are some things you just don't joke about.

James: "And have you really got--you know..."

Lucius: Gonorrhea.

Lily: MALFOY! HE'S ELEVEN YEARS OLD!!!

Lucius: *smirks* So?

James: He pointed at Harry's forehead.

Severus: Yes, Weasley, he does, in fact, have a forehead. Good job.

James: Harry pulled back his bangs to show the lightning scar.

Peter: Always back to the scar, aren't we?

James: Ron stared.

Lily: Will people please stop treating my poor son like a zoo animal?!

James: "So that's where You-Know-Who--?"

Peter: Did You-Know-What?

James: "Yes," said Harry, "but I can't remember it."

Sirius: We wouldn't expect you too, Harry, my lad.

James: "Nothing?" said Ron eagerly.

Narcissa: We've already established this! Nothing!

Nightwing: Nothing? Nothing? Nothing, tra-la-la?

Remus: Was that Labyrinth reference really necessary?

Nightwing: You fool, Labyrinth references are always necessary!

James: "Well--I remember a lot of green light, but nothing else."

Remus: Then to be fair, it's really not nothing. Not much, but still something.

James: "Wow," said Ron.

Bellatrix: My God, that's really not that interesting!

Narcissa: Yes, but he's a Weasley. You can't expect much to make sense from one of them.

James: He sat and stared at Harry for a few moments,

Lily: *twitches*

James: then, as though he had suddenly realized what he was doing,

Sirius: I think that might have been considerably more than looking at Harry.

Nightwing: Stop making everything perverted, Sirius!

James: he looked quickly out of the window again.

Lily: Yeah, you look away. *glares at the book*

James: "Are all your family wizards?" asked Harry,

Bellatrix: I should think not! They're Weasleys!

James: who found Ron just as interesting as Ron found him.

Sirius: So as soon as they hit puberty they'll be snogging. I can see it now....

Remus: Something you'd like to tell us, Padfoot?

Sirius: What, a straight guy can't support slash? I'm only doing it to piss off the Authoress, you know!
Nightwing: Oh, how little you know....

Sirius: What?

Nightwing: Oh, nothing, just that karma is going to bite you in your sorry ass for that one.

Sirius: *looks mildly frightened*

Severus: I find it interesting that anyone else would have been turned into a donkey for a remark like that, yet Black is safe.

Nightwing: 'Course he is. He might be a prick, but he's still my favorite!

James: "Er--yes, I think so," said Ron.

Narcissa: *sneers* You think so? Well, you thought wrong, then! No respectable wizard would consider you one of us!

James: "I think Mom's got a second cousin who's an accountant,

Lucius: 'Course you do. I can't imagine the Weasleys without vile impurities befouling their excuse for a family!

Narcissa: But what is an accountant?

Lucius: *shrugs* Must be some Muggle thing, otherwise I'd know. As such, I really don't care.

Nightwing: It's something to do with numbers, money, taxes, that whole deal. Quite boring, even as Muggle jobs go.

Lucius: *annoyed* I said I didn't care!

James: but we never talk about him."

Nightwing: Fun fact-- he almost had a daughter in the series, sorted into Slytherin, but J.K. Rowling cut her out.

Bellatrix: As well she should have! Imagine, a Weasley in Slytherin!

James: "So you must know loads of magic already."

Remus: Not necessarily. Everyone learns at the same rate, really. Even if he's seen magic around, he wouldn't know how to use it.

James: The Weasleys were clearly one of those old wizarding families the pale boy in Diagon Alley had talked about.

Lucius: They wish! They're an embarrassment to the Wizarding world, all of them!

Nightwing: Once again, I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu....

James: "I heard you went to live with Muggles," said Ron.

Lily: *growls* Petunia....

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*

James: "What are they like?"

Bellatrix: Vile, disgusting, filthy, repulsive perversions of nature who need to be stamped out as soon as possible to preserve the pure Wizarding blood that is slowly but surely dying out!

James: "Horrible--

Bellatrix: I agree!

James: well, not all of them.

Narcissa: They most certainly are!

James: My aunt and uncle and cousin are, though.

Lily: *growls again*

Remus: That I can agree with.

All except Remus: *nod in agreement*

James: Wish I'd had three wizard brothers."

Severus: *scoffs* Only three? Somehow I highly doubt that.

James: "Five," said Ron.

Lucius: *scoffs also* That's what you think. Ten more probably cursed the world with their presence since he left his mother.

James: For some reason, he was looking gloomy.

Lily: I don't doubt it! That must be awful, coming on the heels of all the things his brothers have done!

James: "I'm the sixth in our family to go to Hogwarts.

Severus: Oddly enough, we'd figured that out. A Weasley might not be able to count, but the rest of us are considerably more intelligent.

James: You could say I've got a lot to live up to.

Lily: Poor thing!

James: Bill and Charlie have already left--

Narcissa: Good. There's too many Weasleys around as it is.

James: Bill was Head Boy

James and Sirius: Boooooooooo....

Nightwing: Don't pass judgement just yet, guys. Bill's awesome, easily my favorite Weasley brother. And isn't there another future Head Boy in the room?

James: *sinks down into his beanbag chair sulkily as he continues reading* and Charlie was captain of Quidditch.

Sirius: Now that is a position of honor!

James: Now Percy's a prefect.

James and Sirius: Boooooo....

Remus and Lily: *glare*

James: *hurriedly* We're not booing prefects in general. Percy just seems like a right foul git.

Lily: I'm still watching you, Potter.

James: Fred and George mess around a lot, but they still get really good marks and everyone thinks they're really funny.

Peter: Wow, I think Sirius and James might have been reborn in these two, because that sounded exactly like them!

Sirius: Oi, what makes you think I'm dead and need to be reborn?

Peter: Nothing!

Severus: *sourly* I don't find Black or Potter remotely amusing.

Nightwing: That's because you're a greasy git. We don't expect you to think they're funny.

Severus: *glares*

James: Everyone expects me to do as well as the others, but if I do, it's no big deal, because they did it first.

Lily: This poor boy! He needs a hug so badly!

James: You never get anything new, either, with five brothers.

Lucius: No, that's just because you're dirt poor. Really, with fewer children they might be able to afford being halfway decent.

James: I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand,

Remus: Really now, that's hardly setting the boy up for a good start at school. Ollivander always says that you never get good results with a wand that hasn't chosen you.

James: and Percy's old rat."

Peter: *perks up at the mention of the word rat*

Severus: Why a rat? I thought you were only allowed an owl, a cat, or a toad.

Nightwing: Apparently, Ron's special. And it's an owl OR a cat OR a toad, Snivelly, get it right.

Severus: *lip curls*

James: Ron reached inside his jacket and pulled out a fat gray rat, which was asleep.

Peter: Awww!

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

James: "His name's Scabbers

Sirius: That's a terrible name for anything! Makes it sound disgusting and grimy.

Narcissa: It's a rat. Of course it's disgusting and grimy.

Peter: Why does everyone hate rats?

James: and he's useless, he hardly ever wakes up.

Peter: Awww!

All except Peter: *give Peter even weirder looks*

James: Percy got an owl from my dad for being made a prefect,

Sirius: Why is that a reason for a reward?

Lily: You know, being a prefect isn't that bad!

Sirius: *shuddered*

James: but they couldn't aff--

Bellatrix: *sneers* Awww, is the wittle Weasley baby too poor a proper pet?

James: I mean, I got Scabbers instead."

Lucius: Yes, Bellatrix, I do believe he is. *smirks*

James: Ron's ears went pink.

Remus: Well, that's an interesting response to embarrassment.

James: He seemed to think he'd said too much,

Severus: He had, of course. There are some things you never talk about in company-- money, religion, and politics.

Nightwing: Thank you for that, Snivellus.

Severus: *glares* Don't. Call. Me. That.

James: because he went back to staring out of the window.

Remus: He certainly does that a lot.

James: Harry didn't think there was anything wrong with not being able to afford an owl.

Lucius: Potter, your son is an imbecile. What isn't wrong with not being able to afford anything?

Narcissa: *adoringly* I'm so glad you're rich, Lucius!
Lucius: I know. *smirks*

Sirius and James: *gag violently*

Narcissa and Lucius: *glare*

James: After all, he'd never had any money in his life until a month ago,

Narcissa: I find it extremely difficult to summon sympathy for this boy... though I do think he's pathetic.

James: and he told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes and never getting proper birthday presents.

Remus: Why is that not in proper dialogue?

Nightwing: Because then I'd have to think up witty commentary for the same thing twice! Don't you know how difficult that's already going to be come the next book? J.K. Rowling's just having mercy on us poor MST Authoresses!

Severus: No one's making you right this madness. You could just let us go.

Nightwing: Ssh! *holds a hand up to my ear* Do you hear that?

Severus: *puzzled* Hear what?

Nightwing: The sound of my reviewers crying out in protest at your blasphemous suggestion. So shut up or they will find you and slaughter you! I don't want your greasy blood all over the room. Water won't get it up, you see.

Severus: *lip curls*

James: This seemed to cheer Ron up.

Remus: That's a bit sadistic, isn't it?

James: "...and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort--"

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Sirius: There's your dialogue, Moony.

Remus: So it is.

James: Ron gasped.

Lily: Isn't that overreacting just a little? It's just a name!

Bellatrix: *shaken* Shut your mouth, Mudblood!

James: "What?" said Harry.

Peter: *high-pitched and squeaky* Even I know what! He said the name!

James: "You said You-Know-Who's name!" said Ron,

Peter: *even higher-pitched and even more squeaky* See?

James: sounding both shocked and impressed.

Lily: Impressed? Why should he be impressed? It's only a name, honestly!

Bellatrix: Shut. Up. Mudblood.

James: "I'd have thought you, of all people--"

Remus: He of all people has the least reason to be afraid of the name! He defeated Voldemort--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: *ignores them* -- so why should he be afraid of him?

Lucius: You're a fool not to be afraid of him!

James: "I'm not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name,"

Sirius: But it's a bloody good thing if you are brave! Go Gryffindor!

James: said Harry, "I just never knew you shouldn't.

Bellatrix: He should have, the great oaf told him when they met! Good Lord, this boy is thick!

James: See what I mean? I've got loads to learn...

Lily: Oh, sweetie, all first years have loads to learn! You're no different from anyone else!

James: I bet," he added, voicing for the first time something that had been worrying him a lot lately, "I bet I'm the worst in the class."

Sirius: With the spawn of Malfoy running around, I highly doubt that.

Lucius: Black, any child of yours would be more interested in getting into the beds of the entire female population of the school than learning anything.

Sirius: What if my child was a girl? *smirks and sweeps his hair out of his eyes*

Lucius: *lip curls, annoyed that Sirius of all people pointed out a flaw in his logic*

James: "You won't be.

Severus: Someone has to be. Might as well be the boy whose intelligence was inherited straight from James Potter of all people.

James: *glowers* There's loads of people who come from Muggle families and they learn quick enough."

Bellatrix: Learn? They don't learn, they steal knowledge from the deserving! Those filthy Mudbloods need to be stamped out immediately!

Nightwing: Tell it to someone who cares, why don't you, Bella?

James: While they had been talking, the train had carried them out of London.

Narcissa: Wow, the train moved in half an hour? I had no idea!