The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Nightwing: I think I'm going to finish this chapter of the MST here so my readers don't kill me for taking so long with this. Diagon Alley is the longest chapter in the book, and it'll be easier on everybody if I split it into two.

Lucius: Does this mean I don't have to read the next part?

Nightwing: No. You still have to read.

Lucius: Why?

Nightwing: Because I said so, that's why. Slytherins, you guys should find something to interest you in the next bit.... See you readers when I finish the rest of Diagon Alley!

Lucius: Are we ready to continue yet?

Nightwing: Yep! Please read, Lucius. *beams*

Lucius: Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed all in mauve.

Sirius: Does she still always wear mauve? Merlin's beard, you'd think that woman would change her color scheme after twenty years!

Lucius: "Hogwarts, dear?" she said, when Harry started to speak.

Severus: Naturally. What else would she be doing there?

James: Shut it, Snivellus. She's saving him the trouble of explaining. She always asks that to first years, in case you haven't noticed.

Lucius: "Got the lot here--another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."

Nightwing: Get ready, Slytherins, here we go!

Bellatrix: A boy? That's why you've been telling us we'd find interesting? A mere boy?

Nightwing: Yes, Bella, relax. You'll like him, I swear to you. I'll be hanged if he doesn't remind you of one of your own.

Lucius: In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face

All except Lucius: *look at Lucius*

Lucius: What are you all staring at?

Narcissa: Your pale--

Bellatrix: Pointed--

Severus: Face.

All: *silence*

Lucius: All right, I believe we all agree that this is a bit odd. Allow me to continue. was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes.

Narcissa: Lucius, if this boy is any relation, should he not already have his robes?

Lucius: Perhaps he grew out of them, or perhaps they showed his purity too well and they needed to be replaced with the plain robes they feel the need to force upon us. Either way, I wouldn't worry. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.

Peter: She doesn't usually do students herself, does she?

James: He's Harry Potter. He's entitled to special treatment.

Severus: *bitterly* As you believe any relative of yours should be.

James: I meant because he defeated Voldemort--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

James: -- but you're right, for once, Snivelly, I'm proud of you. You're learning.

Lucius: "Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"

Bellatrix: You know, if we're supposed to like this boy, speaking civilly to a Potter is entirely the wrong way to go about endearing him to us.

Narcissa: Oh, I'm sure he'll learn soon enough, Bella, don't worry.

Nightwing: Yep. He soon learns to be enough of a git to make any of you happy, so chill. Okay?

Bellatrix: *nods, still looking annoyed, and leans back in her chair to listen*

Lucius: "Yes," said Harry. "My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," said the boy.

James: Lazy little git, get your stuff yourself!

Remus: Actually, that's a good idea. It saves time.

Bellatrix: More time would be saved if you didn't go at all and made a house-elf do your shopping for you.

Lucius: He had a bored, drawling voice.

Sirius: Another resemblance to Malfoy.

Remus: Maybe he's his son.

Narcissa: *squeals at the thought of having a son with Lucius*

Lucius: *smirks* "Then I'm going to drag them off to took at racing brooms.

Narcissa: Ah, a Quidditch fan, like Lucius. Perhaps he'll be a Seeker as well.

Lucius: *smirks* I don't see why first years can't have their own.

Sirius: Neither do I, actually.

Lily: Isn't it obvious? They don't want untrained wizards hurting themselves when they crash.

James: They could still get a parent signature saying that their child knows how to fly responsibly.

Lily: Potter, you're a sixth year. It shouldn't matter to you anyway.

James: But that rule ruined my first year! It was painful to have to sit in the stands just watching!

Remus: Painful for all involved, really, what with how much he would yell at the Chasers. *winces at the memory*

Lucius: I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Git.

Bellatrix: *grins* I think I'm starting to like him, actually.

Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa: *nod enthusiastically in agreement*

Nightwing: I told you so!

Lucius: Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.

Sirius: Really? I'm strongly reminded of Malfoy.

James: At least we know one thing.

Sirius: And what's that?

James: There's no chance this kid's going to end up friends with my son.

Sirius: *smirk* Good.

Lucius: "Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on.

Lily: No, which is good, because it means he won't have inherited his father's fat head. Thinking he's better than everyone else because he can throw a ball through a hoop.... *glares at James*

Lucius: "No," said Harry.

James and Sirius: BLASPHEMY!

Lucius: "Play Quidditch at all?"

Lily: No, thankfully.

James: Be still my heart... good God, Harry, remind me not to die so I can fix this horrible lack of knowledge!

Peter: Prongs, I think you're being a little overly dramatic.

Severus: Really. How is he going to remind you not to die?

Lucius: "No," Harry said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be.

Sirius: Did he... did he just say... he didn't know what... what Quidditch was?

James: ... Oh. My. God. This is terrible! How can my son-- my son!-- not know about Quidditch?!

Remus: Get a grip, you two, I'm sure he'll learn eventually.

James: He had better!

Lucius: "I do--Father

Narcissa: Lucius, perhaps?

Lucius: Well, if I am the boy's father, I know who his mother would be.

Narcissa: *blushes*

Lucius: *smirks and tosses his long, lovely blonde hair* says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my house,

Narcissa: If he is our son, that is a crime! Depriving a Malfoy of a way to be recognized and adored? Inconceivable!

Lucius: and I must say, I agree.

Narcissa: I do too!

Lucius: Know what house you'll be in yet?"

Sirius and James: Gryffindor!

James: And if he's not, I know a hat that's going to be haunted until the charm on it wears off!

Lucius: "No," said Harry, feeling more stupid by the minute.

Lily: Oh, don't feel stupid, Harry! You were raised by Muggles, there's no way you could possibly know all this!

Bellatrix: Evans, it's a book. He can't hear you.

Lucius: "Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they,

Narcissa: I did.

Bellatrix: As did I. The whole Black family has been in Slytherin for centuries! How could anyone possibly be any different?

Sirius: Ahem.

Bellatrix: *sneers* You don't count. Auntie's been talking about disowning you for ages.

Lucius: but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been--

Bellatrix: I like this boy even more now!

Narcissa: Lucius and I both come from families whose blood has never been tainted by anyone who has been allowed to remain in the family, putting us all in Salazar Slytherin's noble house. He could well be our son!

Lucius: Nightwing, you know if he is our son or not. Would you--

Nightwing: No. *smirks* I want you to find out on your own.

Lucius: imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

Bellatrix: Absolutely! Hufflepuffs are even more worthless than Gryffindors! I mean, they're not powerful or pure enough for Slytherin, they're not brave enough for Gryffindor, and they're not smart enough for Ravenclaw... so what use are they to anyone?

Lily: Hufflepuff is actually accredited for--

Lucius: Shut up, Mudblood. Don't talk about what you don't understand. "Mmm," said Harry, wishing he could say something a bit more interesting.

Bellatrix: Or, you know, intelligent. "Mmm" doesn't exactly make you look like Merlin.

Lucius: "I say, look at that man!" said the boy suddenly,

Peter: What man?

Sirius: That man. *points at a wall*

Peter: But there's no one standing there!

James: *totally getting where Sirius is going with this, and grins* You mean you can't see him, Wormtail? Here, maybe you need glasses. *starts to take his glasses off*

Remus: Stop it, you two. Peter, there's no one there. They're just messing with you. Keep reading, Malfoy, the man is in the book.

Lucius: nodding toward the front window. Hagrid was standing there,

James: Ah! I should have known!

Lucius: grinning at Harry and pointing at two large ice creams to show he couldn't come in.

Lily: Awww, that was so nice of him! *beams*

Lucius: "That's Hagrid," said Harry, pleased to know something the boy didn't.

James: Ha! That's right, you show him, Harry! Just because he's a pureblood doesn't mean he knows everything!

Bellatrix: Yes, it does, so shut up and stop insulting those of us who are above you!
James: Excuse me, I'm a pureblood, too.

Bellatrix: Yes, but you associate yourself with vermin like them-- *nods to Lily and Remus*-- and so you count as no more than a filthy blood traitor.

James: Keep telling yourself that, Bellatrix.

Lucius: "He works at Hogwarts."

Narcissa: If you can even call breeding dangerous monsters working.

Lucius: "Oh," said the boy, "I've heard of him.

James: How does he know all this?

Lucius: If he does turn out to be my son, you know perfectly well how he knows it all. He's a sort of servant, isn't he?"

Severus: Gamekeeper, servant, either way, you would be hard-pressed to find a job of lower status.

Lucius: "He's the gamekeeper," said Harry. He was liking the boy less and less every second.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Good.

James: Lily, I thought you would want Harry to have as many friends as he could get.

Lily: Yes, but I don't want him to be friends with a boy this spoiled.

James: Good point. Especially if he winds up to be Malfoy's son.

Lucius: Don't worry, Potter, I would never allow a son of mine to ally himself with your spawn. "Yes, exactly. I heard he's a sort of savage--

Remus: Excuse me? Hagrid is perfectly civilized!

Severus: Are you joking, Lupin? That great oaf, civilized? Do you know nothing about his affinities for monsters and alcohol?

Remus: Everyone has their vices. Hagrid is no different from the rest of us, other than his size.

Bellatrix: You're mad, Lupin. Completely mad.

Lucius: lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed."

Remus: ... although I really must admit, that was a disturbingly accurate description.

Lucius: "I think he's brilliant," said Harry coldly.

James: You tell him, Harry!

Lucius: "Do you?" said the boy, with a slight sneer.

Sirius: Yes, he does. You want to make something of it?

Lucius: "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"

James: We died nobly and heroically, which is a better thing than where your parents are, slaving away for you, you spoiled little git!

Lucius: "They're dead," said Harry shortly.

Remus: Is anyone else finding it amazing that this boy hasn't figured out who Harry is yet? I mean, all of the Leaky Cauldron recognized him on sight from a pretty good distance. You would think if he's so high and mighty about being a wizard, he would know Harry Potter.

James: But he's Malfoy's son, so I suppose that explains everything.

Narcissa: Don't you dare insult my potential son's intelligence, Potter. The purity of his blood makes up for all of his other short-comings.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *look at her like she has three heads*

Nightwing: That didn't... even... make sense.... Okay, whatever. Read, Lucy.

Lucius: *glares* Don't call me Lucy. He didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy.

Lily: Good, because I really don't fancy having to hear about my murder again.

Lucius: "Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all.

James: Figures he wouldn't sound sorry if he is Malfoy's son. Little git.

Lucius: "But they were our kind, weren't they?"

Bellatrix: As if! Potter was a blood traitor and Evans was a Mudblood! They don't deserve to be called by the good name of wizard!

Narcissa, Lucius, and Severus: *nod in agreement*

James and Lily: *glare*

Lucius: "They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean."

Narcissa: What he means is were they purebloods with proper Wizarding feeling. Which they're not. So no, they weren't our kind.

Nightwing: Cissa and Bella, will you two please stop insulting everybody?

Narcissa and Bellatrix: Never!

Nightwing: *sighs in mock resignation* Then you leave me no choice. *turns both Narcissa and Bellatrix into donkeys*

Bellatrix the Donkey: ... I hate you.

Nightwing: That's really kind of like hating yourself, you know.

Bellatrix the Donkey: ...

Nightwing: *smirks*

Lucius: "I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you?

Narcissa the Donkey and Bellatrix the Donkey: Absolutely not!

Lily: We are just as worthy of magic as you are, thank you very much!

Narcissa the Donkey: Worthy of magic? Mudblood, you aren't worthy to be a test subject for a Dementor's Kiss!

Lucius: They're just not the same, they've never been brought up to know our ways.

Bellatrix the Donkey: Exactly. It disgusts me that they dare demand equality. *glares at Lily* I must say, however, that I really am starting to like this boy, even if he turns out not to be Lucius and Narcissa's son. *smirks as well as she can in donkey form*

Lucius: Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine.

Narcissa the Donkey: Blasphemy!

Lucius: I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families.

Narcissa the Donkey and Bellatrix the Donkey: Hear, hear!

Narcissa the Donkey: The boy has a good head on his shoulders. *beams at Lucius* We've taught our son well.

Severus: He may not be your son, Narcissa.

Narcissa the Donkey: It sure looks like he is!

Lucius: What's your surname, anyway?"

James: It's Potter, which makes him a better person than you could ever hope to be, oh spawn of Satan.

Lucius: Excuse me, you just called me Satan.

James: Do you think I care? You're a Slytherin. Thus, you're just as bad as Satan.

Nightwing: Awww, Lucy, you're not Satan. You're too pretty to be that evil. Close. But not thaaat evil. *winks*

Lucius: *tosses his hair back and smirks* But before Harry could answer, Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear,"

James: Good. Get out of there, Harry. Don't let the little Malfoy git influence you.

Lucius: and Harry, not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy,

James: Excellent. No Malfoy friend for my son.

Sirius: We knew that already, though. Actually, I think any chance of that went out the window the moment he started reminding Harry of Dudley.

Lucius: hopped down from the footstool. "Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy.

Sirius: Not if Harry has anything to say about it.

Lily: I'm sure they'll see each other at Hogwarts. Whether they're civil to each other or not is an entirely different matter.

Lucius: Harry was rather quiet as he ate the ice cream Hagrid had bought him (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts).

Peter: Yum!

Narcissa the Donkey: That is disgusting, Pettigrew. Raspberry and nuts?

James: Actually, I think that sounds good, too.

Narcissa the Donkey: Ew!

Nightwing: It's not that bad, Cissa. I'd eat it too, except for the fact that I don't like nuts.

Lucius: "What's up?" said Hagrid. "Nothing," Harry lied.

Lily: Oh, Harry, if something he said bothered you, tell Hagrid about it. Bottling it up isn't good for you, dear!

Bellatrix the Donkey: Shut up, Mudblood!

Lucius: They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up a bit when he found a bottle of ink that changed color as you wrote.

Narcissa the Donkey: Hey, I have a bottle of that!

Bellatrix the Donkey: Me too. Shame we're not allowed to use it in class.

Lucius: When they had left the shop, he said, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"

Sirius: Blasphemy!

James: It's not that bad, Sirius. I'm sure Hagrid is about to explain it to him.

Sirius: He had better be!

Lucius: "Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know--not knowin' about Quidditch!"

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: HAGRID!
Lily: How can he be so tactless?

Bellatrix: Because he's a filthy great half breed oaf, that's why.

Lucius: "Don't make me feel worse," said Harry.

Severus: So much for Hagrid being so wonderful. *smirks*

James: Shut up, Snape.

Lucius: He told Hagrid about the pale boy in Madam Malkin's.

Remus: Merlin's beard, nice to know the boy doesn't fixate on these sorts of thing, isn't it?

Lucius: "--and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in."

Bellatrix the Donkey: Well, they shouldn't. How is stating the truth such a problem?

Narcissa the Donkey: Miss Nightwing, will you please turn us back?! We've been donkeys for a ridiculously long time!

Nightwing: No. You're still being rude to Lily.

Lucius: "Yer not from a Muggle family.

James: Yeah! Lily and I are perfectly magical!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa the Donkey, and Bellatrix the Donkey: *glance at each other, smirking and rolling their eyes*

Lucius: If he'd known who yeh were--

James: Exactly! He's Harry Potter, of course the kid should have recognized him!
Severus: Will you please stop thinking that just because he's your son he should be treated like royalty? It's maddeningly annoying.

James: I meant that he should have been recognized because he defeated Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Bellatrix the Donkey: THE DARK LORD WILL RETURN! HE WILL ALWAYS RETURN!!!

Nightwing: You know, I think you've suffered enough. Both of you. *turns Bellatrix and Narcissa back*

Narcissa: Finally!

Lucius: he's grown up knowin' yer name if his parents are wizardin' folk.

Bellatrix: Respecting it, however, is a different matter.

Lucius: You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron was like when they saw yeh.

James: *sighs happily*

Severus: *scoffs* That was positively revolting.

Lucius: Anyway, what does he know about it,

Sirius: Hear, hear!

Narcissa: My son knows perfectly well what he's talking about, thank you very much!

Remus: He's not necessarily your son, remember?

Narcissa: He very well could be, how many times must I say it?

Lucius: some o' the best I ever saw were the only ones with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles--

Bellatrix: *bursts out laughing* A Mudblood? The best he ever saw? Ha! Don't make me laugh!

Sirius: It looks like he already did.

Lucius: look at yer mum!

Lily: *blushes*

Lucius: Look what she had fer a sister!"

James: Oh, good point. Lily's an excellent, talented, beautiful witch, but her sister's...

Sirius: *nods in agreement* The Muggle equivalent of Bellatrix.

James: Exactly.

Lily: *looks rather flattered*

Bellatrix: I refuse to allow you to insinuate that I have a "Muggle equivalent!"

Nightwing: *looks rather hurt* I thought I was the equivalent of Bellatrix....

Lucius: "So what is Quidditch?"

James: Only the best game in the known universe!

Sirius: Hear, hear!

Peter: I rather like checkers, myself.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: What? All I said was that I didn't think Quidditch was the best game in the known universe!

Lucius: "It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like--like soccer in the Muggle world--

Sirius: What's soccer?

Remus: Muggle game. Each team does their best to kick a ball into a goal for points. Whoever has the most points at the end wins.

James: How is that like Quidditch?

Lucius: everyone follows Quidditch--

Sirius: Maybe that's how?

James: *shrugs*

Lucius: played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls--sorta hard ter explain the rules."

Sirius and James: No it isn't! *launch into a looooong description of everything there is to know about Quidditch*

*Three hours later*

Sirius: ... and those are the rules of Quidditch.

James: See? Not that hard to explain!

Bellatrix: Impossible to listen to, though. If they're quite finished, Lucius, would you read?

Lucius: Gladly. "And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"

Narcissa: Slytherin is the House of purity and power, and Hufflepuff is the House of useless, pathetic little swine.

Lucius: "School houses. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, but--"

Sirius: That's because most of them are.

All except Lily: *nod in agreement*

Lily: You're being quite rude, you know. I have friends in Hufflepuff-- they're really nice over there!

Bellatrix: Being nice never got anyone anywhere.

Lucius: "I bet I'm in Hufflepuff" said Harry gloomily.

James: What?! No way! You'll be in Gryffindor! You belong in Gryffindor!

Lily: Although we would love him just as much if he were in one of the other Houses, right, Potter?

James: Um... yes?

Lucius: "Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," said Hagrid darkly.

Bellatrix: Excuse me?! There is no better House than Slytherin, especially not those miserable, ineffectual little perversions of the Wizarding world who reside in Hufflepuff!

Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa: Hear, hear!

Lucius: "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin.

Nightwing: Oh, I can think of one.... *glares at Peter*

Lucius: You-Know-Who was one."

Bellatrix: Oh, Dark Lord.... *sighs happily*

All except Bellatrix: *give Bellatrix weird looks*
Lucius: "Vol-- sorry-- You-Know-Who was at Hogwarts?"

Bellatrix: Of course he was! Where do you think he learned to hone his power? Of course, this was before Dumbledore appeared and started watering down our curriculum so we could never learn anything of use, but I digress.

Lucius: "Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.

Bellatrix: Like I said, before Dumbledore came and destroyed everything the school stood for!

Lucius: They bought Harry's school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts

Lily: Oh, this is my favorite shop in Diagon Alley! *beams*

Remus: Mine too.

Severus: *nods his head once*

Lucius: where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps in covers of silk;

Sirius: How do you read those?

Remus: You use a magnifying glass or an Engorgement Charm. Either one works.

Lucius: books full of peculiar symbols and a few books with nothing in them at all.

Narcissa: Those are called notebooks, and you write things down in them. This boy truly is Potter's son!

James: We've established that, and it would be nice if you would stop reminding me of it every time Harry has a moment of stupidity.

Narcissa: But it's so easy!

Lucius: Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these.

Sirius: That's really saying something. Wait-- are we sure he could read them if he got his hands on one?

Remus: Probably not.

Lucius: Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue- Tying and Much, Much More) by Professor Vindictus Viridian.

James: Hey, I have that!

Sirius: God, I love that book!

James: It's given us so many ideas.... *sighs happily*

Sirius and James: *grin evilly in Severus's direction*

Severus: *rolls his eyes* And here I thought you were being original. It figures someone of your limited intelligence would need a book to learn how to curse someone when their back is turned.

Sirius: Try not to be so jealous, Snivellus.

Lucius: "I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley."

Sirius and James: *burst out laughing*

Lily: *annoyed* HARRY!
Sirius: Prongs, your son is awesome.

Lucius: "I'm not sayin' that's not a good idea,

Lily: Says the man who nearly turned the poor boy into a pig.

Lucius: but yer not ter use magic in the Muggle world except in very special circumstances," said Hagrid.

Lily: And punishing an innocent by attempting to turn him into a pig doesn't qualify.

James: Trust me, Lily, Dudley is far from innocent.

Lily: Even so, no matter what he's done to Harry in his life, it was not grounds to Transfigure him!

Lucius: "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more study before yeh get ter that level."

Severus: Not necessarily. *smirk*

Lucius: Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either

Narcissa: Because they're absolutely ridiculous about us following that ludicrous pewter rule.

Lily: And for the love of God, Harry, even if it is a lot of money, it's not an endless supply! You haven't got enough to go squandering it on a solid gold cauldron!

Lucius: ("It says pewter on yer list"),

Narcissa: Why must they follow that rule so strictly?

Lucius: but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope.

Lily: Oh, good, he's all prepared for Astronomy and Potions. *beams*

Lucius: Then they visited the Apothecary,

Peter: Ugh, I hope he doesn't forget to hold his nose.

Lucius: which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages.

Peter: *nods in agreement* It does smell horrific in there.

Sirius: They've got some pretty neat stuff, though.

Severus: And it's all absolutely essential if you want to learn to properly brew potions.

Lucius: Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor;

Severus: "Slimy stuff?" Is that really how he describes the multitude of delicate compounds necessary in many a potion?

Lily: Well, to be fair, he doesn't know much about any of them yet.

Lucius: jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundles of feathers, strings of fangs, and snarled claws hung from the ceiling.

Severus: All imperative components in any concoction.

Lucius: While Hagrid asked the man behind the counter for a supply of some basic potion ingredients for Harry,

Bellatrix: Get them yourself! They're right there in plain sight! Indolent half-breed!

Sirius: "Indolent?" Where do you get these words?

Bellatrix: Some of us are actually intelligent, Sirius.

Nightwing: *glances at readers* Actually, they're from the thesaurus on MS Word. For a Ravenclaw, I'm really not that bright. *anime sweatdrop face*

Lucius: Harry himself examined silver unicorn horns at twenty-one Galleons each

Remus: Wow, the price on those has gone up a lot.

Lucius: and minuscule, glittery-black beetle eyes (five Knuts a scoop).

Remus: At least some prices have gone down. They're twelve Knuts a scoop now.

Lucius: Outside the Apothecary, Hagrid checked Harry's list again. "Just yer wand left--oh yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."

Lily: Aww, Hagrid, that's so sweet of you! *leans over to James and holds onto his upper arm happily* James, it's our son's first ever birthday present!

James: *grins, more at the fact that she's willingly touching him and calling him by his first name than at what's going on with Harry* Yeah... yeah, it is.

Lily: *beams and lays her head on his shoulder*

Severus: *lip curls*

Lucius: Harry felt himself go red. "You don't have to--" "I know I don't have to.

Lily: And you're still doing it? Hagrid, you're the best!

Lucius: Tell yeh what, I'll get yer animal.

James: Excellent! I hope it's an owl. Cats are evil, and no Potter will ever be caught dead with a toad.

Lily: Cats are not evil!

Lucius: Not a toad, toads went outta fashion years ago, yeh'd be laughed at--

James: Exactly, and we wouldn't want the famous Boy Who Lived laughed at!

Remus: I have a feeling there are going to be people who will laugh at him anyway. Slytherins, you know.

James: Ah, he'll learn soon enough that they don't matter.

Bellatrix: Excuse me, our House is filled with the very finest of Wizardkind. We matter more than you could ever hope to. We've told you that before, so why can't you just accept it?

Sirius: Because it's not true!

Lucius: an' I don' like cats, they make me sneeze.

Peter: But it's not his animal.

Remus: I suppose Hagrid has to carry it while they're in Diagon Alley. Besides, Harry will be better off if he has an owl. They're more useful, carrying your mail and everything.

Lucius: I'll get yer an owl.

James: Yes!

Lucius: All the kids want owls, they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everythin'."

Remus: That's exactly what I just said!

Lucius: Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes.

Peter: I know I said it already, but I really don't like it in there. All those eyes are so creepy!

Lily: I think they're pretty in a strange kind of way.

Peter: To each their own, I guess.

Lucius: Harry now carried a large cage that held a beautiful snowy owl,

Lily: Oh, they're my favorite kind! Lucky Harry!

Lucius: fast asleep with her head under her wing.

Lily: Aww! *beams*

All except Lily: *give Lily weird looks*

Lucius: He couldn't stop stammering his thanks, sounding just like Professor Quirrell.

Lily: That's not a good thing. Ugh, I can't believe he's going to be teaching children how to defend themselves!

James: Don't worry, Lily, Harry's already experienced. He should be fine.

Lucius: "Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've had a lotta presents from them Dursleys.

Lily: *through gritted teeth* I would bloody well think not.

Lucius: Just Ollivanders left now--only place fer wands, Ollivanders,

Sirius: No it isn't. There's plenty of wand shops, otherwise wizards who aren't from Britain wouldn't be able to get their wands.

Remus: I think he meant that it's the only place for wands in Britain. Or Diagon Alley, even.

Sirius: ... oh.

Lucius: and yeh gotta have the best wand."

James: Absolutely! I mean, he's Harry Potter! He's got to have the best of everything!

Severus: Do you ever shut up, Potter?

Lucius: A magic wand... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

Lily: Awww! *beams* You're going to get it soon, darling! And just wait until you learn what you can do with it!

Lucius: The last shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.

Peter: Which just makes you wonder how old that man is.

Bellatrix: The Ollivander family is one of the oldest in the world, older even than the Noble and Ancient House of Black! He wasn't always the one to sell the wands, dolt!

Lucius: A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window. A tinkling bell

Nightwing: Tinker Bell! *singing* "Think of the happiest thiiiings, it's the same as having wiiiiings!"

Bellatrix: I swear to God, if you do not stop singing--

Lucius: rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single, spindly chair that Hagrid sat on to wait.

Peter: You know, I've never thought that chair was very sturdy.

Sirius: If it's not sturdy now, it definitely won't be in twenty-odd years after Hagrid sits on it.

James: Are we sure the chair will still be there at all after Hagrid sits on it?

Sirius: ... no.

Lucius: Harry felt strangely as though he had entered a very strict library;

Lily: There's no reason for that, dear, Mr. Ollivander's nice enough. A bit creepy, but there's no reason to be nervous.

Lucius: he swallowed a lot of new questions that had just occurred to him

James: Ask away, my son, ask away!

Lucius: and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly right up to the ceiling.
James: Take a good look, lad, it's your first proper glimpse of a wand!

Lily: *squeals*

Lucius: For some reason, the back of his neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here

seemed to tingle with some secret magic.

Narcissa: They don't seem to tingle with magic, they do! And it's not secret, that's just what happens when that many wands are gathered in one place!

Lucius: "Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. Hagrid must have jumped, too,

Remus: Oh dear....

Sirius: And now, a moment of silence for the poor chair.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *silence*

Sirius: Thank you.

Lily, Severus, Lucius, Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Nightwing: *give the Marauders weird looks*

Lucius: because there was a loud crunching noise and he got quickly off the spindly chair.

Sirius: Alas, poor chair! I knew him well, Horatio....

Nightwing: Any particular reason you're suddenly quoting Shakespeare?

Sirius: *shrugs, grinning* Seemed like the thing to do at the time.

Lucius: An old man was standing before them, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons

Remus: *shudders involuntarily at the thought of the moon*

Lucius: through the gloom of the shop. "Hello," said Harry awkwardly.

Remus: That is such a weird word. Awkward.

Nightwing: Yeah, I know, it sounds like it would be a kind of bird more than an adjective.

Lucius: "Ah yes," said the man. "Yes, yes.

Sirius: Yes.

James: Yes, yes.

Sirius: Yes, yes, yes.

James: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sirius: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

James: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sirius and James: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Remus: Will you two just shut up?!

Lucius: I thought I'd be seeing you soon.

Peter: Do you think he might be part Seer?

Remus: Nah, I think he just knew how old Harry was because he's famous and knew he would be going to Hogwarts that year.

Lucius: Harry Potter." It wasn't a question.

James: Of course not! He's famous! Of course Ollivander knows his name!

Lucius: "You have your mother's eyes.

James: And what beautiful eyes they are!

Lily: *looks annoyed and flattered at the same time*

Lucius: It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand.

Narcissa: Oh, dear Lord, not this again. I hate it when he does this!

Lucius: Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow.

Lily: *blinks* That's exactly what he said when I actually bought it! "Ten and a quarter inches, swishy, willow and unicorn hair!"

Lucius: Nice wand for charm work."

Lily: And I got a hundred and twenty percent on my Charms O.W.L! *beams*

Lucius: Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry.

Sirius: If he gets any closer, the pair of them will be snogging.

James: Padfoot, that's just... wrong on so many levels.

Sirius: That's what I'm here for!

Lucius: Harry wished he would blink.

Peter: Join the club, kid.

Lucius: Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy.

Narcissa: I'll say! *shudders*

Lucius: "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable.

James: Yep, the best wand in the known universe is mahogany and dragon heartstring, right here! *grins*

Lily: You arrogant git....

Lucius: A little more power

Severus: Which is dangerous when you consider the disgusting uses he puts it to.

Nightwing: Somebody's bitter.

Lucius: and excellent for transfiguration.

James: That's why I'm the best in the year at Transfiguration!

Lucius: Well, I say your father favored it--

James: Of course I favor it! I love my wand!

Lucius: it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."

Bellatrix: You'd think he'd find new ways of saying that after God knows how many years.

Lucius: Mr. Ollivander had come so close that he and Harry were almost nose to nose.

Sirius: And snogging.

Lily: Sirius Black, my son will not be snogging Ollivander, thank you very much!

Lucius: Harry could see himself reflected in those misty eyes.

Narcissa: That's just wonderful. Oh, wait-- nobody cares!

Lucius: "And that's where..." Mr. Ollivander touched the lightning scar on Harry's forehead

Lily: *glares at James*

James: I thought we already knew that I didn't knife him! It's a curse scar! A curse scar!

Lily: That's what they all say.

Lucius: with a long, white finger.

Bellatrix: *squeals* Like the Dark Lord!

Lucius: "I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," he said softly.

Sirius: Nice work, Ollivander. Way to screw over the entire Wizarding world.

Lucius: "Thirteen-and-a-half inches.

Remus: It figures, what with all that the number thirteen symbolizes. You know, bad luck and all that.

Sirius: Because we all know that the day Voldemort got his wand was bad luck for everybody.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Bellatrix: Only a filthy blood traitor would dare allow such a vulgar remark as that to fall from his lips!

Lucius: Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful,

Nightwing: You know, for the longest time I didn't know if he was saying yew like the wood or yew as in, "Yew! That was a powerful wand!"

Remus: The wood, I think. Yew trees represent magic, death, and reincarnation.

Nightwing: *nods* Sounds like the Dark Lord. Anyway, I've known all that for a little while, I just never used to. *pause* Why am I calling him the Dark Lord?

Remus: Looks like being called Bellatrix by your friends is getting to your head.

Nightwing: Looks like.

Lucius: and in the wrong hands...

Lily: If I were him, I wouldn't have sold that wand, just in case somebody like Voldemort got it.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Lucius: well, if I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do...."

Lily: Exactly. If you must make wands with that much power, don't sell them to just anyone!

Lucius: He shook his head and then, to Harry's relief, spotted Hagrid.

James: Good, maybe now he'll stop freaking Harry out.

Lucius: "Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again....

Peter: Nice to see him again or nice to see his wand again?

Lucius: Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"

Peter: ... well, that answers my question.

Lucius: "It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.

"Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?"

Severus: Of course they did, they always snap your wand in half when you get expelled!

James: God, I wish you were speaking from experience....

Severus: Shut up, Potter.

Lucius: said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.

"Er--yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet.

Narcissa: He is so subordinate to everyone it's not even funny.

Bellatrix: Well, he is an idiot half breed-- who is there for him to be be superior to?

Narcissa: You've a point there....

Lucius: "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.

Peter: And apparently that's enough for him to be able to use!

Lucius: "But you don't use them?" said Mr. Ollivander sharply.

Severus: *sarcastically* Oh, no, of course not!

Lucius: "Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly.

Peter: Yes he does, we've seen him at it!

Bellatrix: There's this little thing called lying, Pettigrew, have you ever heard of it?

Lucius: Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.

Narcissa: Now, where ever could the pieces of his wand be?

Lucius: "Hmmm," said Mr. Ollivander, giving Hagrid a piercing look.

Severus: Clearly Ollivander isn't buying this.

Lucius: "Well, now--Mr. Potter.

James: Yes?

Lily: Not you!

Lucius: Let me see." He pulled a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket.

Sirius: God, I hate that thing. It's so annoying.

Lucius: "Which is your wand arm?"

Lily: Oh, it's just whichever hand you write with, dear!

Bellatrix: Evans! The book-- can't-- hear you!

Lucius: "Er--well, I'm right-handed," said Harry.

Lily: There you are, then! *beams*

Lucius: "Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round his head.

Peter: What are all those measurements even for?

Narcissa: Do you know anything, Pettigrew? They're to ensure maximum range of motion for all possible wand movements!

Lucius: As he measured, he said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter.

James: Not this speech again!

Lucius: We use unicorn hairs,

Lily: That's what I've got!

Lucius: phoenix tail feathers,

Sirius: Like mine! *tosses his hair*

Remus: And mine.

Lucius: and the heartstrings of dragons.

James: Reai men's wands, they are! *puffs out his chest proudly*

Peter: Hear, hear!

Nightwing: *glares at Peter with eyes narrowed* You might want to rethink that statement, James....

Lucius: No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same.

Narcissa: Or as no two members of any species are quite the same, for that matter.

Lucius: And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."

Severus: That is, if you get any results at all from another wizard's wand.

Lucius: Harry suddenly realized that the tape measure, which was measuring between his nostrils,

Peter: Okay, you can't honestly tell me you know what the point of that is.

Narcissa: It's for ensuring that small wand motions are as precise as possible.

Lucius: was doing this on its own.

Remus: Not too quick, is he?

Sirius: *smirks* Just like his daddy.

James: Oi, don't you lot start!

Lucius: Mr. Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes. "That will do," he said,

Nightwing: That'll do, pig, that'll do. *pause* Man, I haven't seen that movie in forever!

Lucius: and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Mr. Potter. Try

this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible.

James: You'd best hope that's not your wand. Flexible wands are always ridiculously hard to wave around because they bend so much.

Lucius: Just take it and give it a wave." Harry took the wand and (feeling foolish)

Lily: Oh, there's no need to feel foolish, dear! Waving a wand is an essential part of being a wizard!

Lucius: waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.

James: Good, you don't have to put up with that bloody thing.

Lucius: "Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy.

James: Oh, Merlin's beard, give him a rigid wand, for God's sake!

Lucius: Try--" Harry tried--but he had hardly raised the wand when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.

Lily: Could he possibly be a bit more polite about taking wands back from his customers? I mean, grabbing them out of their hands is quite rude, really.

Lucius: "No, no--here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy.

Nightwing: I've always liked the sound of that wand for some reason.

Lucius: Go on, go on, try it out." Harry tried. And tried. He had no idea what Mr. Ollivander was waiting for.

Severus: It couldn't possibly be a wand that actually works, could it? That would be far too easy.

Lucius: The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, but the more wands Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.

Peter: I've always thought that was a bit odd. Wouldn't he want to get it over with?

Lucius: "Tricky customer, eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere--

Narcissa: They always do.

Lucius: I wonder, now-- yes, why not--unusual combination--

Remus: Passing over the fact that this is all real, in literature, anything unusual ends up being foreshadowing for something big to happen.

Lily: Ooh, you're right! Maybe this is the wand!

Lucius: holly and phoenix feather,

Remus: Rebirth and combat... that's an excellent wand!

James: This one had better be Harry's!

Remus: 'Course it is, he's a hero. Why wouldn't he have a wand that symbolizes a few excellent attributes to have in battle?

Lucius: eleven inches, nice and supple." Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers.

James: Oh, my God, this is it! Yes! He's got the good wand!
Lily: *lets out an earsplitting squeal*

Bellatrix: *holds her hand over her ear in pain* Will you please stop doing that?

Lucius: He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework,

James: Excellent! Gryffindor colors! I smell foreshadowing and it smells wonderful!

Lily: More importantly... *squeals* Harry has his wand!!!

Lucius: throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

Peter: Ooh, pretty!
All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: What?

Lucius: Hagrid whooped and clapped and Mr. Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good.

Narcissa: Who wants to place bets on the number of different ways Ollivander can say the same thing?

Lucius: Well, well, well... how curious... how very curious..."

Nightwing: Curioser and curioser!

Bellatrix: Is that a Muggle reference?

Nightwing: Yep! To a book I haven't read, actually.... I should read it sometime. *glances at readers* Has anybody read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland who has any reason why I shouldn't?

Lucius: He put Harry's wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper, still muttering,

"Curious... curious... ."

James: Okay, this just has me wondering. What exactly is so curious about that wand?

Remus: *pointedly* Maybe if we keep reading, we'll find out.

Lucius: "Sorry," said Harry, "but what's curious?"

James: My thoughts exactly!

Lucius: Mr. Ollivander fixed Harry with his pale stare.

Peter: Harry was broken? And since when can stares fix things?

Severus: Don't speak, Pettigrew. Just don't speak.

Lucius: "I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter.

Sirius: Because that's not creepy in the slightest.

Remus: Actually, it's quite an impressive feat, if you think about it.

Peter: Who's got impressive feet?

Nightwing: Seriously, Peter, Snape was right. Don't talk any more.

Lucius: Every single wand.

Severus: You mentioned that. Would you care not to be redundant?

Nightwing: Quiet, guys, this is important.

Lucius: It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in your wand, gave another feather--just one other.

Lily: *gasps*

Remus: Oh, God, I know where this is going....

Sirius: What? Where's it going?

Remus: Let Lucius read. You'll see. Oh, my God.

Lily: *whimpers in agreement*

Lucius: It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother--

Bellatrix: *eyes widen, and a smirk spreads across her face as she realizes what's happening, too*

Lucius: why, its brother gave you that scar."

All: *silence*

James: Oh.

Sirius: My.

James: God.

Lily: *wails* MY BABY'S GOING TO BE LIKE VOLDEMORT!!!!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Bellatrix: *cackles* What was that you said about the red and gold being foreshadowing, Potter? It seems to me that we've just found the Dark Lord's progeny!

James: Sod off, Bellatrix! My son will NEVER be like-- like-- him!

Lily: Well said, James!

Lucius: Harry swallowed.

Peter: Why? What was he eating?

All except Peter: *ignore Peter*

Lucius: "Yes, thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew.

Remus: I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu here....

Lucius: Curious indeed how these things happen.

Narcissa: Curious? I say miraculous! This boy may actually have a chance at being valuable despite his impure heritage and heathen upbringing!

Lily: *visibly growing angrier and angrier* Impure? Heathen? Narcissa Black, you will shut your mouth right now if you know what's good for you! My son has a connection to Voldemort, and I WOULD NOT TEST ME RIGHT NOW!!!!

Lucius: The wand chooses the wizard, remember....

Severus: Yes, there must be a reason why the brother of the Dark Lord's wand chose his conqueror.

Bellatrix: Bite your tongue! The Dark Lord was not conquered!
Severus: Yes, of course he wasn't. I'm sure you will forgive me a slip of the tongue.

Lucius: I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter....

James: Of course we should, he's my son!

Bellatrix: And the heir to the Dark Lord!

Lily: *growls*

James: For the last time, he is not the heir to Lord Voldemort!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Lucius: After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things--

Narcissa and Bellatrix: Hear, hear!

Bellatrix: You should pe proud to have a son following in such noble footsteps, Potter!

James: Funnily enough, I'm not.

Lucius: terrible, yes, but great."

Peter: How does that even make sense?

Remus: Great can also mean big, Peter. By that standpoint, slaughtering half the Muggles and Muggle-borns in the world is quite a great deed.

Bellatrix: Don't forget half-breeds!

Lucius: Harry shivered.

Peter: But it's not cold in there!

All except Peter: *ignore Peter*

Lucius: He wasn't sure he liked Mr. Ollivander too much.

Severus: Does anyone, really?

Lucius: He paid seven gold Galleons for his wand,

Remus: Seven Galleons? Wow, the price of wands has gone down a lot!

Lucius: and Mr. Ollivander bowed them from his shop. The late afternoon sun hung low in the sky

Nightwing: That description always reminded me of The Lion King, for some reason.

All except Nightwing: *blank stares*

Nightwing: Not that anyone here actually gets that, or cares, really, but whatever.

Lucius: as Harry and Hagrid made their way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, back through the Leaky Cauldron, now empty.

Sirius: Has the Leaky Cauldron ever been completely empty before?

James: I don't think so, no.

Sirius: Good on you, Harry! You're witnessing history in the making!

Remus: Actually, there was this one time in 1846, back when the Leaky Cauldron was first built--

Lucius: *cuts him off by reading* Harry didn't speak at all as they walked down the road; he didn't even notice how much people were gawking at them on the Underground,

Nightwing: *singing* Down in the Underground, you'll find someone true. Down in the Underground, a land so green, a crystal moon! Ah! It's only forever, not long at all! The lost and the lonely... that's Underground! Undergrooooound.... Daddy, Daddy, get me out of here! Heard about a place today! Nothing ever hurts again! Daddy, Daddy, get me out of here! Sister, sister, please take me down! Daddy, daddy, get me out!

Bellatrix: STOP SINGING!

Nightwing: Fine, be that way. God, I love that movie. And that man. David Bowie! *squeals*

Remus: David Bowie?! What the hell?

Nightwing: Hey, he's smoking hot in Labyrinth. Shut up.

Lucius: laden as they were with all their funny-shaped packages,

Sirius: Pssh, they've got funny-shaped packages.

Nightwing: *nearly falls out of her chair as she bursts out laughing* That sounded so wrong!

Sirius: Ah, so I'm not the only one with a dirty mind here!
Nightwing: *shakes her head as she tries to catch her breath*

Lucius: Ladies and gentlemen, our lovely and mature Authoress.... with the snowy owl asleep in its cage on Harry's lap.

Severus: Are you going to name the owl or are you just going to call it "The Snowy Owl" for your entire school career?

Sirius: If I had an owl, I'd totally name it Owl, just for kicks.

Severus: You would.

Lucius: Up another escalator, out into Paddington station;

Lily: Ooh, like Paddington Bear! I loved those books when I was a kid!

All except Lily and Nightwing: *blank stares*

Lily: *sighs* Never mind....

Lucius: Harry only realized

Sirius: What he was doing.

Peter: What was he doing?

Sirius: What do you think, Peter?

Remus: Ignore him, Wormtail. Just ignore him.

Lucius: where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder. "Got time fer a bite to eat before yer train leaves," he said.

Bellatrix: Yes, and he poisoned it.

James: Can we please stop trying to kill my son?

Lucius: He bought Harry a hamburger

Bellatrix: After poisoning it.

Nightwing: You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

All except Nightwing: *edge away from Nightwing*

Nightwing: Chill out, guys, it's a quote from a song. I'm not going to poison anybody here. *glances at Peter* Actually....

Peter: *squeaks and hides behind Sirius*

Lucius: and they sat down on plastic seats to eat them.

Severus: Plastic can hold Hagrid's weight?

Narcissa: Apparently.

Lucius: Harry kept looking around. Everything looked so strange, somehow.

Lily: I thought that, too, when I got back from Diagon Alley the first time. I guess it's the difference between the Wizarding world and the Muggle world.

Bellatrix: Yes, and we all know which world you belong in, Mudblood.

Lucius: "You all right, Harry? Yer very quiet," said Hagrid.

Bellatrix: Suddenly, Harry collapsed dead to the floor from the lethal dose of basilisk venom in his hamburger.

Narcissa: *as Hagrid* "Oh, were they dangerous? I had no idea!"

Lucius: Harry wasn't sure he could explain.

Lily: I can explain! It's just odd coming back to the Muggle world after Diagon Alley!

James: Yeah, and it's got to be strange seeing how famous and loved you are after a life of being abused.

Lily: *growls* Petunia....

Lucius: He'd just had the best birthday of his life--

Sirius: Please. I'm sure your first birthday party was absolutely fantastic.

Remus: What makes you say that?

Sirius: We were there to cause magical mischief, of course!
James: Not that he remembers it.

Sirius: True, true....

Lucius: and yet--he chewed his hamburger, trying to find the words.

Peter: And then he ate his words!

All except Peter: *ignore the LAME attempt at a joke*

Peter: *sighs* No one ever thinks I'm funny....

Nightwing: Because you're not. End of story.

Lucius: "Everyone thinks I'm special," he said at last.

James: You are special!

Lily: Don't ever let my horrid sister and her dreadful family tell you otherwise!

James: Yeah! You're a Potter! And you defeated Voldemort!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Bellatrix: HE WILL RETURN! HE WILL ALWAYS RETURN!

Lucius: "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell,

Severus: Who was one of the people in the Leaky Cauldron. Only a dunderhead would ever write so much redundancy into a book.

Nightwing: *turns Severus into a donkey*

Severus the Donkey: What did I do?!

Nightwing: Don't call the goddess that is J.K. Rowling a dunderhead! Don't worry, Snivelly, the chapter's almost over. You'll be a greasy git again soon. Right now, you're just a git.

Severus: God, I hate you.

Nightwing: Likewise. Now, read, Lucius! We're almost done with the chapter!

Lucius: Thank God.... Mr. Ollivander... but I don't know anything about magic at all.

Bellatrix: Exactly, so go back to those Muggles and live as your intelligence permits.

Sirius: Shut up, Bella!

Lucius: How can they expect great things?

James: Because you're a Potter, that's how!

Remus: That, and he defeated Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

James: Right. Can't forget that.

Bellatrix: HE WILL RET--!

Nightwing: *interrupts her* Seriously, Bella, give it a rest. We all heard you the first four times.

Lucius: I'm famous and I can't even remember what I'm famous for.

Remus: Doesn't mean you're not famous. It just means you were young when it happened!

Lucius: I don't know what happened when Vol--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *get ready to flinch at the sound of the name*

Lucius: sorry--

Narcissa: You had better be!

Lucius: I mean, the night my parents died."

Severus the Donkey: But didn't Hagrid tell him everything the night before? Merlin's beard, this boy really did inherit his father's intellect!

Remus: Yeah, but he didn't give details. No one really knows the details, remember?

James: And I'm smarter than you, Snivellus, so sod off.

Lucius: Hagrid leaned across the table.

Sirius: For a kiss.

Remus: Just. Shut. Up.

Lucius: Behind the wild beard and eyebrows he wore a very kind smile.

Lily: Aww! *beams* He's going to make my baby feel better! Thank you, Hagrid!

Lucius: "Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough.

Lily: Yeah! If I can learn magic from being Muggleborn, it should be nothing for you to do it!

Lucius: Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you'll be just fine.

Bellatrix: Yes, they feel the need to show us Levitation Charms, even though any witch or wizard worth their salt can do those at the age of five with a fake wand!

Lucius: Just be yerself.

Severus the Donkey: Unless you happen to have any personality resemblance to your father, in which case, being yourself is a very bad idea.

Nightwing: Snape, stop insulting James. He's not that bad.

Lucius: I know it's hard.

James: Not really. Popularity's in his blood. *ruffles his hair and grins*

Lily: *rolls her eyes* Really, Potter, I think Severus is right about you....

Lucius: Yeh've been singled out, an' that's always hard.

Sirius: Not really. I mean, I'm singularly beautiful, and I don't have a hard time.

All except Sirius and Nightwing: *huge fake coughing fits*

Sirius: What?

Nightwing: Ignore them, Padfoot. I think you're beautiful!

Lucius: But yeh'll have a great time at Hogwarts--

Remus: Most people do.

Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily: *nod in agreement*

Narcissa: I'm sure we would have....

Bellatrix: Yes, had that Muggle-loving imbecile not taken over and destroyed everything the school stood for.

Lucius: I did--still do, 'smatter of fact."

Severus the Donkey: *sneers* "'Smatter?" Is that a word?

Nightwing: Oi, don't make fun of Hagrid's accent.

Lucius: Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys,

Sirius: *groans* Oh, great, we have to put up with more of them?

Nightwing: I'm afraid so. On the plus side, this is the last chapter they're in until their, like, one paragraph at the end, and Vernon's the only one who actually talks!

Sirius: First part's good, second... not so good.

Nightwing: Yeah, I really shouldn't have mentioned that, he is the worst of the lot, isn't he?

Lucius: then handed him an envelope. "Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," he said. "First o' September--King's Cross--it's all on yer ticket.

Narcissa: But, just in case you're anything like your father and you can't read....

James: Will you people PLEASE stop with the insults on my intelligence? Please?

Bellatrix: But it's so easy and so much fun!

Lucius: Any problems with the Dursleys,

Sirius: Like, you know, their very existence.

Lily: You do know that that's a horrible reason not to like somebody, right?

Severus the Donkey: *bitterly* I concur.

Sirius: Oh, suck it up, Snivelly. And Evans, never expected you to stick up for slimy-haired prats like that.

Severus the Donkey: I'm warning you, Black. One more word....

Sirius: Or what? You'll get donkey stench on me?

Severus the Donkey: *snarls as best as he can in donkey form*

Remus: Guys, stop fighting. Sirius, stop lording the Authoress's favor for you over Snape.

Sirius: How am I lording the Authoress's favor for me over Snape?
Remus: Don't you think anybody else would have been punished by now?
Nightwing: Good job, Moony, you're learning! *beams*

Lucius: send me a letter with yer owl,

James: How about he just tells you now? We already know there's going to be problems. *pauses, then adds hopefully* Actually, maybe now that they think he can turn them all into slugs, they might show him a little more respect.

Nightwing: That's the spirit, Prongs! *beams*

Sirius: What's with all this perky, cheerleader, "Go Marauders!" stuff all of a sudden?

Nightwing: I... don't... know, actually. Guess it's just because I love you guys! *beams*

Peter: *hopefully* Me too?

Nightwing: No. No, not you too.

Peter: *groans in disappointment*

Lucius: she'll know where to find me....

Sirius: Yeah, what with the number of midnight trysts we've had in the past few years....

Remus: PADFOOT.

Sirius: Yes? *grins innocently and sweeps the hair out of his face*

Remus: *long-suffering sigh*

Lucius: See yeh soon, Harry."

Bellatrix: Not too soon, I hope. I really have no desire to put up with that overgrown halfwit more than I must.

Lucius: The train pulled out of the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight;

Sirius: Because he simply couldn't bear to be away from his lover.

Lily: Black, one more word about my son reacting sexually to anything while he's still at the age of eleven and I swear I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES THROUGH YOUR NOSE AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM!!!!
Sirius: *squeaks* Yes ma'am.

Lucius: he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.

Narcissa: He can Apparate? I thought only fully trained wizards could Apparate, not squalid halfbreeds like him who were expelled from Hogwards in their third year!

Lily: *glowing with pride* Harry can Apparate, and he hasn't even gotten to Hogwarts yet!

Bellatrix: Oh, Good Lord, not this again....

Lucius: We're finally done with that chapter.

James: Excellent! The next one should be the train ride!
Lily: *squeals*

Nightwing: Yes, it is!

James: All right!

Nightwing: Unfortunately, we still have two percent left where we have to talk.

All except Nightwing: *groan*

Nightwing: I know, I know. Hey, it's been worse, hasn't it?

Remus: That's true, we've had to do six percent before.

Severus the Donkey: That was torture.

Nightwing: And yet, I found it quite entertaining. I guess that's why I'm Bellatrix, right?

Bellatrix: Don't you dare equate yourself to me, Muggle.

Nightwing: Haven't I proven that I'm not a Muggle? And besides, you don't have any choice in what my friends call me.

Bellatrix: *growls, but can't think of a good retort to that*

Nightwing: Right, I guess I have to turn you back now, Snivellus, don't I?

Severus the Donkey: Don't. Call. Me. That.

Nightwing: I'm the Authoress, I can call you whatever I want. Anywho... *changes him back*

Severus: It's about bloody time.

Nightwing: Aww, do we have to listen to another Severus Snape bitching session for these last two percent?

Severus: And give you Marauders the satisfaction? I should think not!

Nightwing: Such a pity... they're good for my word count. And whee, I just quoted Labyrinth!

Remus: *sarcastically* Woo-hoo.

Nightwing: I'm so glad my friend threw it at my face that one day, I love that movie so much. Of course, I really have no business quoting Jareth, because I'm not cool enough to be Jareth, but whatever.

Sirius: I think you're cool!

Nightwing: Aww, thanks, Padfoot! It's more that no one's really cool enough to be Jareth except David Bowie, but what the hell.

Narcissa: Are we done here yet?

Nightwing: I think we might be! *checks laptop*

Narcissa: Come on, come on, come on....

Nightwing: Oh, bloody hell, we're still only halfway there?
All: *groan*

Nightwing: Well, as long as we still have one percent left, who wants some pie?

Peter: You have pie?

Nightwing: Yep! Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I made this awesome three layer chocolate mousse pie that I still have leftovers from. *summons a beautiful pile of whipped cream, chocolate mousse, chocolate pudding, and chocolate in a chocolate cookie crust* Isn't it perfection? *cuts everybody a slice of my masterpiece*

Peter: *eats his slice in two bites... not saying much, as Nightwing was a bitch and gave him a tiny piece, but whatever* Yum! Nightwing, this is really good!

Sirius: I agree, I can't believe no one ate it.

Nightwing: Well, there were only a few people there last night and two of them were allergic to chocolate-- I didn't know that until yesterday-- Oh, Slytherins, why aren't you eating my masterpiece?

Bellatrix: As if we'd dare eat anything a filthy Muggle lay in front of us.

Narcissa: Precisely.

Lucius: This pile of squalor isn't fit for a flobberworm. How could you force us to eat it?

Severus: You probably poisoned my piece.

Nightwing: Why the hell would I poison yours and not Peter's? Get real, Snivellus. Honestly, I try to do something nice and everyone's a critic. And my pie is not squalor! It's a luscious pile of chocolatey goodness that I spent an entire damn day making, so I would thank you very much not to insult my cooking!

James: Well, that day wasn't wasted.

Remus: Yeah, no amount of time is ever wasted for chocolate.

Nightwing: Ha, I knew you would say that, Moony, you raging chocoholic, you. It's okay, I'm a chocoholic, too. Why do you think I made a chocolate mousse pie instead of anything else? *beams* Probably a good thing, too-- my sister's apple came out awful. She forgot to take it out of the oven, so the whole thing was scorched to the point where it was hardly even edible.

Lily: Aw, the poor thing!

Nightwing: Not really, she was okay with it until I started laughing at her.

Lucius: You are so cruel.

Nightwing: *singing* Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel! Though I do believe in you! Yes I do! Live without your sunlight... dun dun dun dun! Love without your heart beat... dun dun dun dun! I, I can't live within you.... *stops singing* Okay, I'll stop with the Labyrinth now.

Bellatrix: Thank you.

Nightwing: But really, I don't have the slightest problem with being cruel. *pauses and looks at her laptop* Oh, look! The joys of pie and David Bowie brought us to seventy five percent!

All: *cheer*

Nightwing: Well, let's see who the next victim is, shall we? How about... James, why don't you read this one?

James: Sounds good to me! Here, hand it over, Malfoy.

Lucius: Gladly. *eagerly hands the book to James*

Nightwing: Now, without further ado, read, Prongs!

James: Chapter six, The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters....