The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time...

Remus: *puts the book back onto its pedestal* That's the end of the chapter, guys. Next up's a Slytherin, right?

Nightwing: Lucius, take the book, please.

Lucius: Make me.

Nightwing: Okay! *types on her laptop*

Book: *flies off the pedestal into Lucius's hands*

Lucius: *tries to drop the book*

Book: *has attatched itself to Lucius's hands*

Lucius: Fine, I'll read! Chapter Five, Diagon Alley....

Lily: Oh! My baby's getting his school supplies! He's really going to Hogwarts! *squees*

All except Lily: *give Lily weird looks*

Nightwing: Besides all that, I think you Slytherins may find something to interest you in this chapter, too.

Lucius: Well, then, what are we waiting for? Harry woke early the next morning.

Lily: No, dear, go back to sleep! You have a big day ahead of you! You need your rest!

Bellatrix: Is she going to be like this the whole chapter?

Lucius: Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.

Lily: Good. *smiles* A growing boy needs his sleep.

Bellatrix: *rolls her eyes*

Lucius: "It was a dream," he told himself firmly.

Sirius: What was a dream? That he had the most beautiful girl he could imagine lying next to him on a huge feather bed, naked and moaning, "Harry, don't stop?" Then he--

Remus: Don't you dare continue that thought. No, that wasn't what he was dreaming about.

Sirius: And how would you know?

Remus: I read a bit of the next page after I finished reading the last chapter.

Sirius: ... *can't think of a response to that and merely sulks*

Lucius: "I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to

Sirius: *opens his mouth*

Remus: Nightwing, can I have a rolled up newspaper?

Nightwing: *summons a rolled up newspaper and hands it to him*

Remus: *takes it* Thank you.

Nightwing: No problem! *beams*

Remus: *whacks Sirius over the head with the rolled up newspaper* Bad dog! No sex jokes!
Sirius: *whines like a dog* I didn't even do anything yet!

Bellatrix: Bad dog?

Sirius: *with a totally straight face* Yeah. You know, my name means Dog Star, so they sometimes call me a dog because of that.

Lucius: tell me I was going to a school for wizards.

James: No, son, that wasn't a dream.

Peter: You're really coming to Hogwarts!

Lucius: When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."

Lily: You are never, EVER going back to that cupboard! At worst, you'd be in your bedroom on Privet Drive, but you're not going to be there, oh no. You'll be on the floor of the hut where Hagrid found you, and Hagrid will be right there to bring you to Diagon Alley to take the first steps into the Wizarding world! *pauses, then sobs once* I'm so proud!
Lucius: There was suddenly a loud tapping noise.

Peter: What's that?

James: *shrugs* Maybe an owl or something?

Lucius: And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door, Harry thought, his heart sinking.

James: Merlin's beard, how did my son end up being such a pessimist?

Severus: It couldn't possibly be because he's been abused all his life, could it?

James: As if you'd treat him any better!

Severus: If he's as much like you as he seems to be, then no, I wouldn't, because I simply cannot tolerate people who think the whole world should revolve around them. People who think everyone should just grovel at their feet on principle. People who strut around hexing people who don't do the aforementioned just for the fact that they have half a brain. People, in short, Potter, like you!

James: My son doesn't strut, and neither do I!

Severus: If last year after O.W.L.S. is any indication--

Lily: Guys, will you please stop going at each others' throats every three seconds? Some of us are actually interested in hearing the story!

Lucius: But he still didn't open his eyes.

Bellatrix: Hoping that he would die that way, and therefore not have to put up with the Muggles any longer.

Lucius: It had been such a good dream.

James: Well, then, it's a very good thing it wasn't a dream, then, isn't it?

Lucius: Tap. Tap. Tap.

Sirius: Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Bellatrix: *throws her wand at him to shut him up*

Sirius: *grins* Tap.

Bellatrix: ARRRGH!

Lucius: "All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."

Lily: No, Harry! Go back to sleep, you need it! It's far too early!

Narcissa: And exactly what time is it, Evans?

Lily: ...

Narcissa: *sneering* Well?

Lily: I don't know! I just know it's way too early for him to be awake!

Lucius: He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat fell off him.

James: Hah! I told you it wasn't a dream!

Severus: Shame we all already knew that. Otherwise it might actually have been an achievement.

Lucius: The hut was full of sunlight,

Peter: Where did they all find room to be in there? I mean, if the whole place is full of sunlight, there wouldn't be any more space--?

Narcissa: Pettigrew-- SUNLIGHT ISN'T MATTER. It doesn't take up space, you idiot!
Peter: *looks rather hurt*

Lucius: the storm was over,

Severus: Well, obviously. There isn't usually sunlight during a storm, now is there?

Lucius: Hagrid himself was asleep on the collapsed sofa,

Bellatrix: Which was broken cleanly in two.

Nightwing: Sure, Bella, if you want the sofa broken this time, the sofa can be broken. Just stop saying it.

Lucius: and there was an owl rapping

Nightwing: *rapping very badly* Yo, Harry Potter, open up! I'm an owl with a newspaper that's only five Knuts! Open the window, just let me in, and then at life you are so gonna win. *strikes gangsta pose in Lily's general direction* Word to your mother.

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Lucius: Where do you come up with those? its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its beak.

Peter: Wow, Harry already gets the Prophet. I'm impressed!

Remus: I think it's Hagrid's newspaper, actually. It would make more sense.

Nightwing: But since when has Peter ever really made sense?

Lucius: Harry scrambled

Peter: Eggs.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: Well, what else do you scramble?

Lucius: to his feet,

Peter: He scrambled his feet?

Lucius: so happy

Lily: *beams* We told you it wasn't a dream!

Lucius: he felt as though a large balloon was swelling inside him.

Bellatrix: There are curses that can actually accomplish that.

Sirius: There are?

Bellatrix: Yes. The victim goes floating all over the place until someone catches and deflates them or they burst. More often than not it's the latter. *evil smirk*

Lucius: He went straight to

Remus: Jail. He did not pass Go, and he did not collect two hundred dollars.

Nightwing: *bursts out laughing*

All except Nightwing, Sirius, and Remus: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Sirius: It's a Muggle thing. Forget it.

Lucius: Consider it forgotten. the window and jerked it open.

Bellatrix: Then he jumped out into the harsh, unforgiving sea below.

James: Oi! It said he was happy! He wouldn't commit suicide at a time like this!

Lucius: The owl swooped in and dropped

Sirius: Owl pellets all over the Dursleys so they woke up to find themselves covered in owl dung.

James: *snickers at the thought* I think I just thought up a new prank idea.

Sirius: *grins* Way ahead of you, Prongs.

Remus: Oh, Merlin's beard....

Lucius: the newspaper on top of Hagrid, who didn't wake up.

Peter: Wow, he's a heavy sleeper.

Remus: I think it's just that he's so big that a newspaper really didn't feel like much to him.

Lucius: The owl then fluttered onto the floor

Narcissa: And died.

Sirius: *to Bellatrix* I think you've had a bad influence on her.

Bellatrix: *smirks*

Lucius: and began to attack Hagrid's coat.

Peter: The poor coat!

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Remus: It probably wants to be paid for delivering the paper. Either that or it's after the dormice in Hagrid's pockets. I'm thinking more towards wanting to be paid, though.

Lucius: "Don't do that."

Severus: *sneers* It's not going to listen to you!

Lucius: Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way,

Severus: Pay the owl, you idiot, don't try to get it out of the way! This boy truly is Potter's son!

James: Why is it that every time Harry doesn't know something, this automatically translate into both he and I being stupid?

Severus: *smirking* Well, he has to get it from somewhere.

Lucius: but it snapped its beak fiercely at him

Peter: *shudders* I hate it when owls do that.

Lucius: and carried on savaging the coat.

James: Pay the bloody owl, Harry!

Lucius: "Hagrid!" said Harry loudly.

Narcissa: Let sleeping giants lie. They might eat you.

Sirius: Hagrid's not a giant, Narcissa! He got in the way of an Engorgement Charm when he was a kid!

Remus: Or maybe he accidentally drank a bottle of Skele-gro.

Narcissa: Lucius's father says he's half giant. That means he must be half giant.

Sirius: *sarcastically* Because Abraxas Malfoy is always right, is that it?

Lucius: Yes, Black, my father is always right. You're learning. *smirks*

Sirius: *rolls his eyes*

Lucius: "There's an owl--"

Severus: Yes, Potter, there is an owl. Gold star for you.

Narcissa: Why gold?

Severus: Good point. Silver star for you, then.

Lucius: "Pay him," Hagrid grunted into the sofa.

James: Knew we'd get there in the end. Good old Hagrid!

Lucius: "What?"

Bellatrix: Pay the owl. Merlin's beard, is this boy thick or is this boy thick?

Lily: Watch it, Bellatrix, that's my son you're talking about.

Bellatrix: I'm terrified.

Lucius: "He wants payin' for deliverin' the paper.

Remus: Although I'm sure a dormouse or two probably wouldn't go amiss either.

Lucius: Look in the pockets."

James: It would have been nice if Hagrid had told Harry which pocket to find it in. This is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

Lucius: Hagrid's coat seemed to be made of nothing but pockets--

Sirius: Yep. Four hundred and seventy two of them, each one full of random rubbish that you'd think he'd throw out, but he holds onto it for reasons nobody can possibly comprehend.

Lucius: bunches of keys, slug pellets,

Narcissa: Ewww! Why would you keep slug pellets in your pocket?

Severus: This is Hagrid we're talking about, remember.

Narcissa: It's still disgusting.

Lucius: peppermint humbugs,

Peter: Why?

Remus: It's Hagrid's coat. There's no reason for anything to be in there. It all just is.

Lucius: teabags... finally, Harry pulled out a handful of strange-looking coins.

Bellatrix: Wizard money is not strange-looking! What does Muggle money look like, just for comparison?

Nightwing: It's different in each country. I don't know what it looks like in Britain, but here's what American Muggle money looks like. *pulls a dollar and a quarter out of her pocket* Don't keep it, it's worthless here.

Bellatrix: Now these are strange looking! Merlin's beard, you use green pieces of paper with a picture of a man in a powdered wig, and he says our money's strange looking?

Nightwing: *takes her money back* I suppose it just depends on what you're used to.

Lucius: "Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.

James: That's no good, he doesn't know what a Knut is.

Lily: *to the book, as if it can hear her* They're the smallest ones, Harry!

Lucius: "Knuts?"

Lily: The little bronze ones, dear!

Narcissa: Evans-- it's a book! He can't hear you!

Lucius: "The little bronze ones."

Lily: *beams*

Lucius: Harry counted out five little bronze coins, and the owl held out its leg

Sirius: Rather like a dog lifts its leg against a tree.

Remus: You know, you don't need to make everything sound perverted.

Sirius: I know, but I've got a gift, so I might as well use it.

Remus: *sighs in exasperation*

Lucius: so Harry could put the money into a small leather pouch tied to it. Then he flew off through the open window.

Peter: Doesn't that sentence make it sound like Harry flew off through the open window? Don't look at me weird! I know you're all thinking it too.

Remus: Actually, the way it was worded... yeah, it does sound like Harry flew. Weird.

James: He's my son, why wouldn't he fly?

Remus: Without a broom?

James: ....

Lucius: Hagrid yawned loudly, sat up, and stretched.

Narcissa: Ugh! More random irrelevance! When will they stop doing that?!

Lucius: "Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today,

Lily: I'll say! It's his first trip to Diagon Alley! This is historic!

Lucius: gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."

Lily: *squeals*

Narcissa: Could she possibly overreact a little more?

Lily: You don't have a son, Narcissa, you wouldn't understand!

Nightwing: *so quietly they can't hear me* Oh, she doesn't, does she?

Lucius: Harry was turning over the wizard coins and looking at them.

Bellatrix: It's money! It's not that interesting!

Nightwing: Actually, money you've never seen before can be quite interesting. I have a collection of Muggle money from different countries, just to see what it looks like. Japanese money is particularly pretty, it's all got flowers on it. *beams*

Bellatrix: You are so weird.

Nightwing: Thank you!

Lucius: He had just thought of something

Severus: A Potter thinking. There's a first time for everything, I suppose.

James: *glares*

Lucius: that made him feel as though the happy balloon inside him had got a puncture.

Lily: Aww, cheer up, Harry! Think of something happy! You're going to wizard school!

Nightwing: *singing* Think of the happiest things! It's the same as having wings!

Bellatrix: Stop. Singing. Now.

Lucius: "Um--Hagrid?"

"Mm?" said Hagrid, who was pulling on his huge boots.

Narcissa: More random irrelevance! Why can't they just tell us about the plot instead of giving us every tiny detail about every single character's every single waking moment?

Lucius: "I haven't got any money--

James: That's what Gringotts is for!

Lucius: and you heard Uncle Vernon last night ...

Sirius: Heard, yes, really cared what he was saying, no.

Lucius: he won't pay for me to go and learn magic."

Narcissa: Why would you have to pay for your birthright? Only Mudbloods should have to pay to get in! And even then, they shouldn't be allowed!
Severus: You don't have to pay to get to Hogwarts, it's true, but you do have to pay for supplies and things.

Lucius: "Don't worry about that," said Hagrid, standing up and scratching his head.

Narcissa: Will this book please stop doing that?!

Lucius: "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"

James: Yeah! My family's independently wealthy, and Lily's not bad off either. Of course you would have inherited everything once we died!

Lucius: "But if their house was destroyed--"

Bellatrix: *sneers* Who keeps gold in their house? It's much safer at Gringotts.

Lucius: "They didn' keep their gold in the house, boy!

Bellatrix: That's what I said!

Lucius: Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts.

Lily: The first Wizarding building he'll ever enter! I'm so excited!

Lucius: Wizards' bank.

Narcissa: Oh, money....Shame it's guarded by such vermin.

Sirius: I wouldn't call the goblins vermin if I were you, Narcissa, especially since you love your money so much.

Narcissa: They can't hear me from here!

Lucius: Have a sausage, they're not bad cold--

Remus: Not bad cold? Is he joking? They've been sitting in the open air all night! Not only are they probably ice cold, they're probably swimming with disease!

Peter: I'd still eat them.

Severus: Pettigrew, you'll eat anything.

Lucius: an' I wouldn' say no teh a bit o' yer birthday cake, neither."

Lily: His first ever birthday cake. *beams for a moment, then her expression hardens* Shame it's on his eleventh birthday....

Lucius: "Wizards have banks?"

James: We do. And shops, and schools, and pubs--

Lily: But Harry will be staying out of the pubs until he's of age, won't he?

James: *gulps* Yes, dear.

Lily: *slaps James*

James: What did I do now?!

Lily: Don't call me dear.

Lucius: "Just the one. Gringotts.

Nightwing: Okay, quick question. If Gringotts is the only Wizarding bank, what do wizards in other countries do for money?

Sirius: Gringotts has branches all over the world. Same name, different buildings. Make sense?

Nightwing: Yeah, thank you, Padfoot!

Lucius: Run by goblins."

Bellatrix: Unfortunately.

Lucius: Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.

Sirius: Don't worry, Harry, Peter will eat it.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Eurgh!

Peter: What? It's just a bit of sausage!

Bellatrix: Yes, but it's been on the floor.

Peter: So?

Remus: You're not there anyway, Peter.

Peter: Oh yeah....

Lucius: "Goblins?"

James: Yes, Harry, goblins. They're dead clever, but if you mess with them, they'll gladly use that against you and plot the most disturbing revenges you could possibly imagine.

Lucius: "Yeah--so yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it, I'll tell yeh that.

James: Exactly. The goblins will feed you to the dragons-- and that's if they're feeling lazy that day.

Lily: How do you know all this?

James: It happened to one of my uncles, the idiot.

Lucius: Never mess with goblins, Harry.

James: If you do, it's odds-on that it'll be the last thing you ever do.

Lucius: Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe--'cept maybe Hogwarts.

Bellatrix: What does Hogwarts have to keep us from stealing from it?

James: Dumbledore. The only one your dear master ever feared.

Bellatrix: ... hmph.

Lucius: As a matter o' fact, I gotta visit Gringotts anyway. Fer Dumbledore. Hogwarts business." Hagrid drew himself up proudly.

Severus: Why is he so proud to do everything Dumbledore asks him to do? He's practically Dumbledore's servant!

Bellatrix: Dumbledore's pet snivelling, brainless oaf. *sneers, imitating Hagrid* Can I pick up Potter for yeh, Professor? Can I go ter Gringotts for yeh, Professor? Can I lick yer shoes, Professor? *cackles*

Lucius: *smirks* "He usually gets me ter do important stuff fer him.

Severus: Because he knows the great overgrown moron will do absolutely anything for him without question.

Lucius: Fetchin' you-- gettin' things from Gringotts--knows he can trust me, see.

Narcissa: Knows he can trust him to do his bidding, more like. *smirks*

Lucius: "Got everythin'?

Remus: What does he have to bring?

Lucius: Come on, then."

Harry followed Hagrid out onto the rock. The sky was quite clear now and the sea gleamed in the sunlight.

Lily: Oh, that's such a pretty description. I wish I could be there!

Severus: With Hagrid in a miserable little shack?

Lily: No, just by the sea.

Nightwing: *singing* By the sea! Doncha love the weather? By the sea! We'll grow old together! By the sea side, oh-oh! By the beautiful sea!

Bellatrix: Stop it!

Lucius: The boat Uncle Vernon had hired was still there, with a lot of water in the bottom after the storm.

Sirius: Won't be worth much as a boat anymore, with all that water in it.

Lucius: "How did you get here?" Harry asked, looking around for another boat.

Remus: Either Apparition or flight, probably. Evidently there isn't another boat.

Lucius: "Flew," said Hagrid.

Peter: How would he have flown though? Broomsticks and thestrals wouldn't be able to hold is weight, would they?
Sirius: Maybe he used my motorbike.

Remus: Except that it doesn't say your motorbike is there, now does it?

Sirius: Maybe I bewitched it to go back to its owner's house when told to! *beams* I have such an obedient motorbike.

Lucius: "Flew?"

Sirius: That's what he said!

Lucius: "Yeah--but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now I've got yeh."

Narcissa: Isn't he not supposed to use magic at all?

Lucius: They settled down in the boat, Harry still staring at Hagrid,

Lily: It's not polite to stare, dear!

Lucius: trying to imagine him flying.

Sirius: Imagine him on my flying motorbike, it's much easier!

Remus: When Sirius actually gets his motorbike, remind me to give the idiot who gives it to him a good hexing.

Lucius: "Seems a shame ter row, though," said Hagrid, giving Harry another of his

Narcissa: Deadly poisons.

Lucius: sideways looks. "If I was ter--er--speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin' it at Hogwarts?"

Lily: Hagrid! Don't teach my son to break rules! Do you want him to end up like his father?

James: What's wrong with that?

Lucius: "Of course not," said Harry, eager to see more magic.

Lily: Just wait till you get to Hogwarts, darling! You'll see all the magic your little heart can possibly desire!

Lucius: Hagrid pulled out the pink umbrella again,

Sirius: Question. Of all colors to have an umbrella to hide your wand in, why is Hagrid's pink?

Remus: Easy. This is Hagrid we're talking about.

Nightwing: Better explanation-- it helps enhance the "gentle giant" image.

Sirius: He's not half-giant!

Lucius: My father says he's half giant, so he is. End of story. tapped it twice on the side of the boat, and they sped off toward land. "Why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?" Harry asked.

James: Because goblins don't miss a trick, there's spells on every vault, sometimes even dragons... any more questions?

Lucius: "Spells--enchantments,"

James: Best not elaborate there, Hagrid. You might scar the poor child for life with what some of those curses can do. *shudders*

Lucius: said Hagrid, unfolding his newspaper as he spoke.

Narcissa: More random irrevalance! What is it with all this madness?!

Lucius: "They say there's dragons guardin' the high security vaults....

Sirius: I want a dragon.

Remus: No way. It's bad enough you get a motorbike. Honestly, Sirius, you're as bad as Hagrid.

Sirius: What's wrong with that?

Lucius: And then yeh gotta find yer way--

James: And the only ones who know how to do that without help are the goblins.

Bellatrix: Maybe they are good for something after all.

Lucius: Gringotts is hundreds of miles under London, see. Deep under the Underground.

Narcissa: Why doesn't it say "deep underground?"

Nightwing: The Underground is what they call the subway-- that's a kind of train that goes underground.

Narcissa: Ah.

Lucius: Yeh'd die of hunger tryin' ter get out, even if yeh did manage ter get yer hands on summat."

Sirius: This is true, they don't exactly have five-star restaurants down there.

Lucius: Harry sat and thought about this while Hagrid read his newspaper, the Daily Prophet.

Remus: Tell me that cow Rita Skeeter isn't still writing for them.

Nightwing: If I told you that, I'd be lying.

Remus: *groans*

Nightwing: On the plus side, you don't have to put up with her crap until Goblet of Fire, and that's the fourth book.

Remus: Good.

Peter: Rita Skeeter. Isn't she that Hufflepuff girl who graduated a few years ago who spread gossip about everyone in school?

Remus: That's the one.

Lily: Remember that ridiculous rumor she tried to start about Remus being a werewolf?

Remus: *completely straight-faced* Yeah. People here will believe anything.

Lucius: Harry had learned from Uncle Vernon that people liked to be left alone while they did this,

Lily: Everything you've ever learned from that excuse for a man is dead wrong!

Lucius: but it was very difficult, he'd never had so many questions in his life.

James: Ask away, my son!

Lucius: "Ministry o' Magic messin' things up as usual,"

Bellatrix: Naturally. The only way it'll ever be run properly is if the Dark Lord comes to power!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!

Bellatrix: *cackles*

Lucius: Hagrid muttered, turning the page. "There's a Ministry of Magic?" Harry asked, before he could stop himself.

Severus: Yes, and everyone in it is a complete and utter moron.

Lucius: "'Course," said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o' course,

Narcissa: Oh, no, it's bad enough he's in charge of our school! Can you imagine if he had power over all the wizards in our country?

Lucius and Bellatrix: *shudder*

Lucius: but he'd never leave Hogwarts,

Bellatrix: Luckily for the Wizarding world.

Lucius: so old Cornelius Fudge got the job.

All except Nightwing: WHAT?!

Bellatrix: Ugh, not him, he's even worse than Dumbledore would have been!

Nightwing: I take it you guys know him?

Sirius: Hufflepuff, year above us. Useless idiot. Absolutely the type who'd let power go to his head the moment he somehow managed to get it.

Nightwing: *nods* That sounds about right.

Lucius: Bungler if ever there was one.

Remus: So true.

Lucius: So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every morning, askin' fer advice."

James: I bet he does, the prat.

Lucius: "But what does a Ministry of Magic do?"

Bellatrix: Well, they try to keep the wizards under control and they try keep Muggles from noticing us, but more often than not, they fail miserably because most of the departments are led by a bloody idiot.

Lucius: "Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there's still witches an' wizards up an' down the country."

Severus: Not just the country-- the world!

Lucius:"Why?"

Remus: Why?! Can you imagine what the state of things would be if Muggles knew witches and wizards existed?

Bellatrix: The only way they'll ever know about us is when we once again establish ourselves as superior and crush them like ants beneath our power! *cackles*

Lily: ... I'm going to stay far away from you.

Lucius: "Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone'd be wantin' magic solutions to their problems.

James: Well, that's one reason for not telling them.

Lily: A better one is because there are probably still some freaks around who would try and reinstate witch burning.

Sirius: And because of freaks like her-- *nods irritably to Bellatrix* -- who would have all of them enslaved or killed just because they're Muggles.

Lucius: Nah, we're best left alone."

Severus: For once, I agree with Hagrid.

Lucius: At this moment the boat bumped gently into the harbor wall.

Bellatrix: And capsized. Hagrid and Potter both drowned. The end.

Lucius: Hagrid folded up his newspaper, and they clambered up the stone steps onto the street. Passersby

Remus: I've always wondered about that word. Is it passersby or passerbys?

Nightwing: Apparently it's passersby here.

Lucius: stared a lot at Hagrid as they walked through the little town to the station.

Lily: I bet. I stared a lot when I first saw him.

Narcissa: *sneers* I thought it wasn't polite to stare?

Lily: It's not, I'll admit it. But Hagrid's so big, it's hard not to.

Lucius: Harry couldn't blame them. Not only was Hagrid twice as tall as anyone else,

Lily: Exactly!

Lucius: he kept pointing at perfectly ordinary things like parking meters

Peter: What's a parking meter?

Remus: It's how Muggles know how long they stop their cars for in a specific place. You have to pay a small amount of money to keep your car there, and if you keep it there too long, you get fined a lot more.

Lucius: and saying loudly, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?"

Lily: They're not THAT weird. And who's he to lecture Harry about how it's better that Muggles don't know about us when he's drawing attention to how he doesn't know what a parking meter is?

Lucius: "Hagrid," said Harry, panting a bit as he

Sirius: Felt an org--

Remus: Padfoot. Shut up.

Sirius: I'm sorry, this book makes it so easy!

Lucius: ran to keep up, "did you say there are dragons at Gringotts?"

Sirius: *sighs wistfully*

Lily: Does anyone know if there really are dragons at Gringotts?

Lucius: *sneers* Wouldn't you like to know?

Nightwing: Lucius, if you know, tell her.

Lucius: Make me.

Nightwing: Well, considering you're reading this chapter, I can't right now. How about this? If you don't, you'll spend the entire next chapter as a donkey.

Lucius: *sighs in defeat* Yes, there are. My cousin works at Gringotts feeding them.

Narcissa: I thought you told me he was your uncle?

Nightwing: In that family, it's likely he could be both.

Lucius: *nods* "Well, so they say," said Hagrid.

Narcissa: In other words, yes, there are.

Lucius: "Crikey, I'd like a dragon."

Sirius: Me too!

Severus: Ugh, can you imagine if that oaf ever actually managed to get his hands on a dragon?

Bellatrix: *shudders* We could say goodbye to Hogwarts if that ever happened. Castle, grounds, and all.

Lucius: "You'd like one?"

Severus: Why must this boy have everything repeated for him? *glances at James* Oh, of course. He has his father's intellect. How could I have forgotten?

Lily: *slaps James*

James: Why is everything automatically my fault?

Lucius: "Wanted one ever since I was a kid--

Narcissa: *shakes her head despairingly* Howling mad.

Lucius: here we go." They had reached the station.

Lily: *squeals with excitement*

Lucius: There was a train to London in five minutes' time.

Lily: *squeals again*

Severus: What was that one for?

Lily: He doesn't have to wait very long to get to Diagon Alley! He's almost made it to the first part of the Wizarding world he'll ever see!

James: Technically, it won't be his first. He lived with us, remember?

Lily: Of course, of course, but he doesn't remember that, so this is as good as his first! *squeals again*

Lucius: Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money," as he called it,

Bellatrix: That's probably a good thing. He may be a filthy half-breed, but proper Wizarding feeling is never a bad thing.

Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa: Hear, hear!

Lucius: gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets. People stared more than ever on the train.

James: Of course they did. If he looks like me, he must be so handsome they can't help staring. *ruffles his hair*

Lily: *rolls her eyes in disgust* Honestly, Potter, you think everything is about you! Did it even occur to you to think that maybe the Muggles are staring at Hagrid because they've never seen someone that big before?

James: *disappointed* Oh yeah....

Lily: You're so egotistical it's disgusting. *turns away*

Nightwing: Merlin's pants, Lily, how do you end up marrying him?

Lily: God only knows.

Lucius: Hagrid took up two seats and sat knitting what looked like a canary-yellow

Bellatrix: Ugh, Hufflepuff colors.

Lucius: circus tent.

Sirius: HAGRID HAS A CIRCUS UNDER HIS BLANKETS!!!! *falls over laughing, positively rolling on the floor*

All except Sirius: *stare at Sirius, getting the sex joke (under his blankets= in his bed) but not seeing why he's finding it so hilarious*

Narcissa: Where did Auntie find him?

Bellatrix: No idea. Whatever rubbish heap it was, she should return him. *pause* Preferably in pieces.

Lucius: "Still got yer letter, Harry?" he asked as he counted stitches.

Remus: Why on Earth would he ever lose it? I still have my first letter framed on my wall.

Lily: Me too!

Sirius: Freaks.

James: I have my first detention notice framed on my wall.

Sirius: Now that deserves a position of honor!

Lucius: Harry took the parchment envelope out of his pocket.

Lily: Good. *beams*

Lucius: "Good," said Hagrid.

Lily: *blinks* That was weird.

Lucius: "There's a list there of everything yeh need." Do I have to read this?

Nightwing: Yes.

Lucius: *glares*

Nightwing: *smiles so that it reminds you of Umbridge*

Lucius: Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed the night before,

Severus: How can you not notice the second piece of paper? Moron.

Lily: *looks rather hurt*

James: *glares at Severus*

Lucius: and read: HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *cheer*

Lily: *squeals*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *roll eyes*

Lucius: UNIFORM First-year students will require:

Peter: And so will any other students-- the uniform is always the same, right?

Remus: I think they're expecting second years and up to have their uniform already and to know what they need when it comes time to replace it.

Sirius: Of course, if you're like James and never grow, you can save a lot of money on robes!

James: Sod off, Padfoot.

Lucius: 1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)

Bellatrix: They're very particular about that black, too. They wouldn't even allow me to bring my black silk robes with the sequins on them!

Narcissa: *shakes her head* Shouldn't be allowed.

Lucius: 2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear

Lily: Black robes and a black pointed hat. These people are honestly trying to turn us all into the Wicked Witch of the West.

All except Nightwing and Lily: *blank stares*

Lily: How can none of you have even heard of the Wizard of Oz?

Bellatrix: We would never stoop so low as to involve ourselves in Muggle culture!

Lucius: 3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)

Narcissa: Lucius, your gloves are Hungarian Horntail, aren't they?

Lucius: Yes, they are. *smirks*

Remus: *surprised* Hungarian Horntail? Aren't they the most expensive kind you can buy?

Lucius: Unlike some people, Lupin, my family can afford the best. *smirk* 4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)

Remus: Or something like it, if you happen to be terribly allergic to silver.

Lucius: Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags.

Severus: And those name tags are NOT to be bewitched to read any different!

Sirius and James: *look innocent* We would never bewitch your name tag to say "Snivellus!"

Severus: And yet you have. And that's not the only thing you've done to it. "Greasy git..." "Doesn't deserve to exist..." "Hex me...." Is any of this refreshing your memories?

Sirius and James: *look innocent*

Lily: *slaps Sirius and James in turn* He did nothing to you! What gives you the right to treat him like this?

Sirius: Relax, Lily, we're just having a bit of fun.

Lily: Your idea of fun is cruel, sick, and twisted, Black. *turns away with his arms crossed*

Lucius: COURSE BOOKS:

Sirius and James: Boooooo!

Lucius: All students should have a copy of each of the following: The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk

Sirius: Ah, the classic old standby.

James: We learned so many wonderful spells from that book.

Severus: I don't think wonderful is the word. *scowls*

Lily: *glares at Sirius and James*

Lucius: A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot

Sirius: God, I hate that book.

Remus: I find it quite interesting, actually.

James: Only you, Moony. Only you.

Lucius: Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling

Sirius: I hate that book too.

Remus: You hate most books.

Lily: Really. For a long time, I thought you were an illiterate.

Sirius: I am not an illiterate! I read the second chapter, didn't I?

Lily: That's why I used the past tense, Black. Honestly, how you're one of the top students in this school....

Sirius: What is this, Pick on Padfoot Day?

Severus: Didn't Potter say almost the same thing last chapter?

Nightwing: I happen to like that line, thank you very much.

Lucius: A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration by Emetic Switch

James: There's one book I actually like. *grins*

Sirius: Show off. Just because you happen to be the best in the year in Transfiguration--

James: Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Lucius: One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore

Bellatrix: Ugh, Herbology. The official subject of the weak and the useless. Even the teacher is a Hufflepuff!

Narcissa: You say that as if it surprises you that the teacher's a good-for-nothing.

Bellatrix: *offended* Of course not! Why should someone significant teach such a pathetic subject?

Lucius: Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger

Severus: Excellent book. *smirk*

Lily: Is that how you became the best in our year at Potions?

Severus: Of course not, otherwise we would all be as good as I am. *shoots a nasty look at the Marauders* It was merely where I started my research. Besides, you're quite good at it, as well, Lily.

Lily: *blushes*

James: *glares at Severus*

Lucius: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander

Remus: I despise that book.

Sirius: Moony despising a book?

Peter: Quick, somebody get a camera!
Remus: You know full well why I don't like it.

Sirius: Yeah, it's just something I never thought I'd hear you say.

Remus: *doesn't like Fantastic Beasts because it's extremely rude about werewolves... even if he does think he's a monster (which he's not), he doesn't need to be reminded of it*

Lucius: The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble

Bellatrix: Why would you need to defend yourself against the Dark Forces?

Narcissa: They're trying to turn us all into pathetic Muggle-lovers like Dumbledore, that's why.

Bellatrix: *shakes her head despairingly* Dumbledore disgusts me.

Lucius: *nods in agreement* OTHER EQUIPMENT: wand, cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)

Narcissa: They're very strict about that rule, too. They wouldn't even let me bring in my jeweled cauldron!

Bellatrix: *looks at her sister, astonished* The silver one with the emeralds? That's blasphemous! How could they not let you show your Slytherin pride!

Narcissa: Because it interferes with "Inter-House Unity." As if we'll ever unify with the Gryffindors!

Lucius: set glass or crystal phials

Narcissa: Crystal is better.

Remus: They both work just as well, what are you talking about?

Narcissa: Crystal shows that you have money and are therefore not scum.

Remus: Slytherins....

Lucius: telescope set

Remus: Which are used for looking at the stars in Astronomy, not into the windows of the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw girls' dormitories, Sirius.

Sirius: *way too innocently* What?

Lucius: brass scales

Bellatrix: As opposed to silver, which is what we should all use.

Peter: Stop making it sound like Slytherin is the only House that matters! We're all important!

Bellatrix: Pettigrew, shut up and don't talk about things you don't understand.

Peter: I understand this perfectly fine!

Bellatrix: Obviously you don't, because if you did, you wouldn't be speaking such calumnious lies.

Lucius: Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad

Sirius: Why do they feel the need to make such a big deal out of the OR's?

James: Some idiot must have tried to bring all three.

Peter: Why would that be a bad thing?

James: The owl ate the toad, then the cat ate the owl? I don't know.

Lucius: PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS

James: I hate that rule. Why haven't they change it yet? *sulks*

Lucius: "Can we buy all this in London?" Harry wondered aloud.

Bellatrix: Not in Muggle London, thankfully.

Lucius: "If yeh know where to go," said Hagrid.

Peter: Ooh, mysterious!

Remus: Hagrid seems to be being mysterious a lot lately.

Lucius: Harry had never been to London before.

Lily: I hate my sister.

James: That's not that bad, Lily. I'd never been to London, either, until I went to Diagon Alley.

Lily: True. But I still hate my sister.

Lucius: Although Hagrid seemed to know where he was going, he was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way.

Bellatrix: Not what you'd think is ordinary, at any rate, and that's a good thing.

Lucius: He got stuck in the ticket barrier on the Underground,

James: Wait, how does that translate into him not getting used to using the train? It would be his size, wouldn't it?

All except James: *shrug*

Lucius: and complained loudly that the seats were too small

James: Again, that's because he's so huge.

Lucius: and the trains too slow.

Narcissa: When you can Apparate, who can blame him?

Bellatrix: That great filthy oaf able to Apparate? Cissa, think before you speak!

Lucius: "I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," he said

Bellatrix: For once I agree with him.

Lucius, Narcissa, James, and Sirius: *nod in agreement, even if Sirius and James are only doing it grudgingly*

Lucius: as they climbed a broken-down-- Nightwing, how do you say this?

Nightwing: *without looking at the book* Just the way it looks. Es-ca-lay-tor.

Lucius: escalator that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.

Bellatrix: Nothing worth mentioning, I suppose.

Lucius: Of course not, they're Muggle shops. Hagrid was so huge that he parted the crowd easily;

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Naturally.

Lucius: all Harry had to do was keep close behind him. They passed book shops

Remus, Lily, and Severus: *sigh wistfully*

Lucius: and music stores,

Nightwing: Ah, music....

Bellatrix: Don't you dare sing.

Nightwing: Fine, then, I won't. *sulks*

Lucius: hamburger restaurants

Peter: Yum!

Lucius: and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand.

Bellatrix: *laughs derisively* Does he honestly think we would be peddling our most secret arts in the middle of a Muggle street? Even with Muggle repelling charms and spells to conceal the identity of a place, no one with an atom of proper wizarding feeling or an ounce of respect for the Statute of Secrecy would dare set up shop out in the opening that way!

Sirius: *looks over at Nightwing* Will you please shut her up?

Nightwing: Nope. Her rants are good for my word count. *beams*

Lucius: This was just an ordinary street full of ordinary people.

Narcissa: Excuse me, we are just as ordinary as you are. More so, even!

Lucius: Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried miles beneath them?

James: You had better believe it!

Lucius: Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks?

Lily: *nods, beaming* Flourish and Blotts and Quality Quidditch Supplies! *squeals* I can't believe he's actually going to Diagon Alley!

Lucius: Might this not all be some huge joke that the Dursleys had cooked up?

Sirius: Rubbish! I've only been reading this book for four and a bit chapters, and I know they have no sense of humor! How could Harry be thinking such a ridiculous thing after living with them for ten years?

Severus: Simple. He's Potter's son.

James: *glares* Shut it, Snivellus.

Lucius: If Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys had no sense of humor, he might have thought so;

Sirius: Good. It's nice to know the boy's not completely stupid.

Lucius: yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable,

Peter: How is being a wizard unbelieveable?!

Lucius: Harry couldn't help trusting him.

Remus: Hagrid does tend to have that effect on people.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Not us!

Bellatrix: Absolutely not us.

Sirius: Well, you lot are freaks of nature. You don't count.

Narcissa: Actually, if you were to look in any respectable circles, you would find that we count significantly more than people like you do.

Sirius, Remus, and James: *glare*

Peter: *tries to glare with them, but can't quite pull off the expression and ends up looking like he has an upset stomach*

Severus, Lucius, Bellatrix, and Narcissa: *smirk*

Lucius: "This is it," said Hagrid, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron.

Lily: *squeals and falls out of her chair*

Severus and James: *hurry to help her back up, then glare at each other*

Lucius: It's a famous place."

James: But you'd never be able to tell by looking at it.

Lucius: It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If Hagrid hadn't pointed it out, Harry wouldn't have noticed it was there.

James: Like I said....

Lucius: The people hurrying by didn't glance at it.

Bellatrix: That's because they're Muggles! Merlin's beard, does he really expect that we would allow one of the Wizarding world's most treasured locations be seen by filthy Muggle eyes?

Lily: Leave him alone. He doesn't know about spells like that yet.

Bellatrix: ... *trying to think of a reply to that * *can't* ... don't you dare speak to me, Mudblood!

Lily: Hmph! *turns away from Bellatrix, offended*

Lucius: Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other

Nightwing: My two favorite kinds of stores. *beams*

Sirius: A book shop is one of your favorite kinds of stores? You are crazy.

Nightwing: And proud to be so, thank you very much! *beams wider*

Lucius: as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all.

Bellatrix: That's because they can't!

Lucius: In fact, Harry had the most peculiar feeling that only he and Hagrid could see it.

Bellatrix: That's because, even as a half-breed and a half-blood, you're the only ones with enough Wizarding blood to see through the glamour charm! *pause* Although, I have always thought you should have to be pureblood to see through that charm.

Lucius: Before he could mention this, Hagrid had steered him inside.

Lily: *squeals with excitement* He's in the Leaky Cauldron! He's in the Leaky Cauldron! *squeals again*

Lucius: For a famous place, it was very dark and shabby.

Remus: It is, I don't like it in there.

Lucius: A few old women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. One of them was smoking a long pipe.

Peter: Drinking and smoking at the same time like that is very bad for your health.

Nightwing: Peter, shut up and stop saying semi-intelligent things.

Peter: Why only semi-intelligent?

Nightwing: Because nothing you could possibly say could ever be fully intelligent.

Peter: *sulks*

Lucius: A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut.

Sirius: What a description! That's what I want to look like when I get old enough. A toothless walnut.

Peter: Is there such thing as a walnut with teeth?

Lucius: The low buzz of chatter stopped when they walked in.

James: Naturally. Harry has my good looks, and I've been known to get whole rooms of girls to drop what their doing and stare at me before. *grins*

Lily: You are such an arrogant prat, Potter, have I ever told you that?

James: Couple times, yeah.

Remus: They're probably staring at Harry because he's famous.

James: ... oh. Yeah, maybe. *looks deflated*

Sirius: *grins* Are you sure it's not me those girls are staring at, Prongs?

James: Sod off, Padfoot.

Lucius: Everyone seemed to know Hagrid;

Narcissa: I'm not surprised, what with how much he drinks. *sniffs haughtily*

Lucius: they waved and smiled at him, and the bartender reached for a glass, saying, "The usual, Hagrid?"

Narcissa: As I just said....

Lucius: "Can't, Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid,

Narcissa: *blinks* I didn't see that coming.

Lily: Hagrid has enough sense not to drink on the job. *beams*

Lucius: clapping his great hand on Harry's shoulder and making Harry's knees buckle.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *shudder*

James: I hate it when he does that.

Lucius: "Good Lord," said the bartender,

Bellatrix: It's Dark Lord!

Lucius: peering at Harry, "is this--can this be--?"

Sirius: It is.

James: It can be.

Peter: A band of Chihuahuas prancing around in pink tutus and barking the March of the Sugar Plum Fairy!

All except Peter: *stare at Peter*

James: ... then why was he staring at Harry?

Peter: Maybe the Chihuahuas were behind Harry! I don't know, I'm trying to be funny!

Nightwing: It's not working, dude. Quit while you're ahead.

Lucius: The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone completely still and silent.

Sirius: I thought it had gone still and silent when Harry and Hagrid first walked in?

Remus: It said the low buzz of chatter stopped, not that it had gone completely still and silent.

Sirius: There's a difference?

Lucius: "Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter... what an honor."

James: All my own dreams... *sighs wistfully*

Lucius: He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed toward Harry and seized his hand, tears in his eyes.

Severus: Ugh, this is pitiful. At this rate, the boy will end up just as much of an arrogant toerag as his father.

James: There's nothing wrong with a good, healthy ego, Snape.

Severus: Your ego is far too large to possibly even be considered healthy.

Lucius: "Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back."

Lily: Welcome back? He's never been there before.

Remus: Maybe he meant welcome back to the Wizarding world.

Lily: Oh, yes, that could be. In that case... *squeals yet again*

Lucius: Harry didn't know what to say.

Peter: How about "thank you?"

Lucius: Everyone was looking at him.

James: Because he was so dashingly attractive?

Severus: For the last time, Potter, no! They're looking at him because he's famous, not because he had the misfortune to inherit your genes! If you say that one more time, I swear I will jinx you to a jelly the minute we're freed from this prison!

Nightwing: *turns him into a donkey*

Severus the Donkey: What did I do this time?

Nightwing: Being locked in a room in my company is not a prison.

Lucius: The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out. Hagrid was beaming. Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.

Sirius: If any of them have drugs in their hands, just say no.

All except Sirius: *stare at Sirius*

Sirius: What? I'm making a public service announcement!

Nightwing: I'm sorry, did you say I'm weird because I like books?

Lucius: "Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last." "So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud." "Always wanted to shake your hand--I'm all of a flutter."

Severus the Donkey: This is absolutely disgusting how all these people are falling over themselves just to talk to the boy.

James: He's a Potter. That's how we're always treated.

Severus the Donkey: You sicken me.

Lucius: "Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell you, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."

Sirius: He's the bloke who supposedly set off all those shooting stars, right?

James: Yep. It's so good to know we've given inspiration to a fellow student.

Lucius: "I've seen you before!" said Harry,

Peter: He has? I thought he had never seen any part of the Wizarding world before.

Remus: Me neith-- oh! Remember in the third chapter when it said a man in a purple top hat bowed to him? Dedalus always used to wear that stupid hat.

Sirius: I swear, Moony, how do you do that?

Remus: Do what?

Sirius: Remember everything we've read so far.

Remus: I don't know, it's a gift.

Lucius: as Dedalus Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement.

Sirius: Somebody's hyper. No more sugar for him.

Lucius: "You bowed to me once in a shop."

Remus: See?

Sirius: ... really. How do you do that?

Lucius: "He remembers!" cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? He remembers me!"

Sirius: He is a lunatic.

James: Always good for a laugh, though. I always enjoyed hanging around him.

Lucius: Harry shook hands again and again--Doris Crockford kept coming back for more.

Severus: How can she fawn over a Potter like that? It's sickening.

Lucius: A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously. One of his eyes was twitching.

Narcissa: What is there to be so nervous about? It's just the Leaky Cauldron!

Lucius: "Professor Quirrell!" said Hagrid.

Lily: Professor? Oh, Merlin's beard, this can't be good.

James: Let's just hope he doesn't end up with the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, for the good of all the poor children who have to be taught by him.

Lucius: "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."

Bellatrix: Yes, we know, we figured it out when Hagrid called him Professor.

Lucius: "P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p- pleased I am to meet you."

Lily: And I can't tell you how worried I am that my son has to be taught by you.

Lucius: "What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"

Lily: Not Defense Against the Dark Arts, anything but Defense Against the Dark Arts....

Lucius: *smirks at Lily as he reads* "D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts,"

Lily: NO!!! *sinks down into her chair* Ugh. Harry's doomed.

James: Look on the bright side, Lily. He only has to suffer through Quirrell for a year. You know that job's jinxed.

Lily: You're right... but what if the curse doesn't happen this year?

Nightwing: Oh, don't worry, it does. Only one of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers he gets through his entire school career is any sort of decent, though.

Lily: Great. Just great.

Lucius: muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it.

Bellatrix: Of course he'd rather not think about it. *mockingly* Why would he want to think about teaching ickle students all those n-n-nasty D-D-Dark beasties that go bump in the n-n-night?

Narcissa: Oh, we can do much worse than go bump in the night.

Bellatrix: True, true.

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *cackle*

Lucius: "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?"

Severus the Donkey: Everyone needs Defense Against the Dark Arts! The Dark Arts are a many-headed monster, and even if one defeats one head, another will grow in its place. That includes The Dark Lord. Potter has no idea what he may face in the future.

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Hear, hear! *cackle*

Lily: Okay, they are really starting to freak me out.

Nightwing: Yeah, but Severus has a point, so... *turns him back*

Severus: Finally.

Lucius: He laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose.

Narcissa: Naturally. What else would a first year student be doing at Diagon Alley at that time of year?

Lucius: I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m-myself."

Nightwing: Ugh, vampires. Werewolves are so much cooler.

Remus: *smiles a little, but not enough for anyone but me to notice*

Lucius: He looked terrified at the very thought.

Bellatrix: Lucius, Cissa, Severus, I do believe we're going to have an entire generation of pushovers as the only thing standing between us and taking over the world with the power of

darkness.

Severus: *smirks*

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *cackle*

Lucius: But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell keep Harry to himself.

James and Lily: Good.

Lucius: It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all.

Severus: This is pathetic.

James: Jealous, Snivelly?

Severus: No, actually, it makes me sick.

James: Sick with jealousy?

Severus: Shut up, Potter. Just shut up.

Lucius: At last, Hagrid managed to make himself heard over the babble.

Remus: Why didn't he try to do that earlier?

Lucius: "Must get on--lots ter buy. Come on, Harry." Doris Crockford shook Harry's hand one last time,

James: Why do I have a feeling that woman's going to end up stalking Harry sometime in the near future?

Nightwing: Don't worry, she won't.

Lucius: and Hagrid led them through the bar

Peter: Them? Who's them? He only has Harry with him, right?

Remus: I think Hagrid himself was included in that them.

Lucius: and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a trash can and a few weeds.

Narcissa: And a magically concealed entrance to one of the most famous places in the Wizarding world.

Lucius: Hagrid grinned at Harry. "Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous.

James: Lucky kid. I'd love to go into a bar and have people line up to shake my hand.

Sirius: Don't worry, Prongs. You'll be famous after you're dead.

James: *sarcastically* Thanks a lot, Padfoot.

Lucius: Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meet yeh--

Bellatrix: You mean he stops trembling?

Lucius: mind you, he's usually tremblin'."

Lily: Have I mentioned how I don't want this man teaching my son?

Lucius: "Is he always that nervous?"

James: What does it look like? Merlin's pants, how did my son get to be this thick?

Severus: Simple. He's your son.

Lucius: "Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind.

Remus: Really? I never would have guessed.

Lucius: He was fine while he was studyin' outta books but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience....

Remus: Never a good idea when you're teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. I'm amazed he lasted long enough to get this job.

Lucius: They say he met vampires in the Black Forest,

Nightwing: Eww, vampires. Go away, bloodsuckers!

Remus: Why do you hate vampires?

Nightwing: Too... many... fangirls. And they have all this hate for werewolves and treat the few who actually like them like vermin. Or at least the Twilight fangirls do. Ugh. *glances at readers* Sorry to those of you who actually like Twilight. I just think it's so overrated it's ridiculous. And Edward is not that great.

Lucius: Right, then.... and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a hag--never been the same since.

Lily: When you put it like that, I feel sort of sorry for him.

Bellatrix: I don't. Vampires and hags got him into such a sorry state? That's hilarious! *cackles*

Sirius: Only you, Bella, only you.

Lucius: Scared of the students,

Bellatrix: *laughing* The students? What are they going to do? They're just children!

Lucius: scared of his own subject--now, where's me umbrella?" Vampires.

Nightwing: *hisses*

Lucius: Hags. Harry's head was swimming.

Peter: Don't forget to come up for air! You don't want to drown.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Lucius: Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks in the wall above the trash can. "Three up... two across..."

Lily: Like a crossword puzzle! *beams*

All except Lily: *give Lily weird looks*

Lucius: he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."

James: Has anyone ever stopped to think what would happen if you didn't stand back?

Sirius: I'm sure someone has. *dramatically* And no one... ever... saw him... again. *cackles*

All except Sirius: *stare at Sirius*

Nightwing: Really now, dude. From now on, you are not allowed to call me weird.

Lucius: He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella.

Lily: *squeals*

Lucius: The brick he had touched quivered--it wriggled--

Sirius: It poked its head out and chirped, "Mama!"

Narcissa: You are a nutjob.

Lucius: in the middle, a small hole appeared--it grew wider and wider--a second later they were facing an archway large enough even for Hagrid, an archway onto a cobbled street that twisted and turned out of sight.

Lily: *lets out an ear piercing squeal* He's in Diagon Alley! He's in Diagon Alley!

Lucius: "Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."

Lily: *squeals again, even louder, longer, and higher-pitched than the last one, and falls out of her chair in excitement*

All: *hold their hands over their ears in pain*

Nightwing: I am so glad there aren't any windows in here.

Lucius: He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway.

Lily: *starts to squeal*

Nightwing: Sorry, Lil, I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this-- *types on her laptop, silencing her* That was for the sake of everybody's ability to hear.

All except Lily and Nightwing: Thank you!!!!

Nightwing: No problem. *beams*

Lucius: Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.

Remus: Does anyone else see that as symbolizing the fact that he's no longer part of the Muggle world?

Lily: *wants to squeal, but has no voice, so has to settle with beaming*

James: Allow me, dearest. Take that, Dursleys!

Lily: *slaps him*

James: I suppose that was for calling you dearest?

Lily: *nods happily*

Lucius: The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. Cauldrons--

Narcissa: It just said that!

Lucius: All Sizes - Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver--

Remus: *can't supress a shudder at the thought of silver*

Lucius: Self-Stirring--

Remus: Oh, so they finally managed to get those to work? Cool.

Lucius: Collapsible,

Sirius: Why would you need a collapsible cauldron?

James: *shrugs* To fit in your luggage, maybe?

Sirius: Isn't that what an Undetectable Extension Charm is for?

Lucius: said a sign hanging over them. "Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."

James: Good old Hagrid. Keeping my son's priorities straight. *beams*

Lily: *beams too*

Lucius: Harry wished he had about eight more eyes.

Bellatrix: There are curses that can accomplish that. *grins evilly*

Lucius: He turned his head in every direction as they walked up the street,

Remus: He couldn't have turned his head in every direction. Human heads don't turn backwards.

Sirius: Maybe he's part owl.

James and Lily: *give Sirius weird looks*

Lucius: trying to look at everything at once: the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping.

Peter: It's not polite to stare.

Nightwing: Are you turning into a substitute Lily? Honestly, if one of you isn't nagging Harry about manners, it's another. *gives Lily her voice back so she doesn't have to listen to Peter taking her job*

Lucius: A plump woman outside an Apothecary was shaking her head as they passed, saying, "Dragon liver, seventeen Sickles an ounce, they're mad...."

Narcissa: She's right! That is an absolutely ridiculous price!

Lucius: A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium--

Lily: Ooh, I love that store! The owls are so pretty.

Peter: I don't like it in there. I always feel like the owls are going to eat me. *shudders*

Lucius: Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy.

Lily: I love snowy owls. They're the prettiest of all!

Lucius: Several boys of about Harry's age had their noses pressed against a window with

Sirius: Sex toys in it.

Remus: Shut up, Sirius.

Lucius broomsticks-- nothing perverted about it, Black-- in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand--

James: *looks as though he's about to faint* Nimbus... Two... Thousand...?! Wow...

Sirius: They're only on the 1900 now... the Two Thousand would be so much faster....

James and Sirius: *drool at the thought of such a wonderful broom*

Lucius: fastest ever--"

James and Sirius: *drool even more*

Remus: Honestly....

Lucius: There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver instruments Harry had never seen before, windows stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes,

Narcissa: Eurgh!

Lucius: tottering piles of spell books,

Sirius and James: Booooo!

Lucius: quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon....

Remus: Hey, I have one of those. It helps out loads with Astronomy.

Lily: Is that why you're so good?

Lucius: "Gringotts," said Hagrid. They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops.

Lily: *can't help but squeal*

All except Lily: *roll eyes*

Lucius: Standing beside its burnished bronze doors,

Nightwing: Yay bronze! Ravenclaw colors need a bit of loving. *beams*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *scoff*

Nightwing: What?

Narcissa: Green and silver, the noble colors of Salazar Slytherin, are the only colors that will ever need "loving."

Sirius: Ignore them, Nightwing. Just ignore them.

Lucius: wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold,

Bellatrix: Ugh, Gryffindor colors. Why must Gringotts be biased?

Nightwing: Bella, almost everything else in this book has been silver or green so far. Gryffindor needs a little love, just like we Ravenclaws do.

Bellatrix: No. No, they don't.

Lucius: was--

James: A chicken.

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin. *shudders*

Remus: Why would a muffin be wearing a red and gold uniform?

Sirius: It's undercover so it can cause its evil without anybody noticing.

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Lucius: "Yeah, that's a

James: Chick--

Remus: No. Do not even think about starting that again.

Sirius, James, and Peter: *sulk*

Lucius: goblin," said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him. The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry.

James: Or about Peter's size. *grins*

Peter: Hey! We don't even know how tall Harry is!

James: He'd be about my height, and you're a head shorter than me. So, you're goblin-sized.

Peter: *sticks his tongue out at James*

Lucius: He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet.

James: Why would you notice something like that?

Lily: I noticed that, too. I think it's because they're so long, it's hard not to notice.

Lucius: He bowed as they walked inside.

Narcissa: Don't waste a bow on a Potter, you subservient little creep. Only purebloods with proper Wizarding feeling deserve such treatment.

Severus: *disgusted* Potter thinks everyone should bow to him and his progeny.

Lucius: Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time,

Bellatrix: *smirks* Better.

Lucius: with words engraved upon them:

Lily: Ooh, I've always liked this poem.

Nightwing: Then, come on, everybody join in! All together now!

All: Enter, stranger, but take heed

Of what awaits the sin of greed,

For those who take, but do not earn,

Must pay most dearly in their turn.

So if you seek beneath our floors

A treasure that was never yours,

Thief, you have been warned, beware

Of finding more than treasure there.

Peter: Does anybody else find it weird that we all just remembered that whole thing off the tops of our heads?

Nightwing: *cackles*

Peter: ... That explains a lot.

Lucius: "Like I said, Yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it," said Hagrid.

Sirius: And if you're fool enough to try, you're as good as dead.

Lucius: A pair of goblins bowed them through the silver doors and they were in a vast

marble hall. About a hundred more goblins

Bellatrix: Filthy, disgusting vermin!

Nightwing: That was random.

Bellatrix: Goblins are filthy, disgusting vermin. The only reason I put up with them is because they do a fairly decent job of protecting our money.

Sirius: Fairly decent? Bella, there are no better guards in the entire Wizarding world, except maybe a Cerberus or a dragon. Just because they're not pureblood wizards doesn't mean they're vermin.

Bellatrix: Shut up, Sirius, yes it does.

Lucius: were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses.

Narcissa: Ah, money. It's so beautiful.

Lucius: Aren't you glad you're marrying me?

Narcissa: *beams adoringly at him* Of course. You're the richest pureblood in Britain.

Bellatrix: *gags violently*

Lucius: *glares at her while he reads* There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these.

Severus: They can stop making a point of all the staff being goblins now. I think even a Muggle reader would have understood that by now.

Lucius: Hagrid and Harry made

Sirius: Out.

Nightwing: Don't encourage them

Sirius: Who's "them?"

Nightwing: The really twisted slashers. I bet there are some Hagrid/Harry fans floating around.

All: *shudder*

Lucius: for the counter.

Sirius: They made out for the counter?

Remus: Maybe you shouldn't talk too much from now on, Padfoot.

Lucius: "Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe." "You have his key, Sir?"

James: Because if you don't, you're screwed. And not just because of the money, either. If they so much as suspect you're trying to steal from them, they'll chuck you into the middle of the deepest part of the caverns where the vaults are and leave you to get eaten by the dragons.

Lily: *looks mildly freaked out* How do you even know that?

James: Remember when I said that happened to my uncle? Well, all he'd really done was forget his key at home, but the goblins went berserk and killed him.

Lucius: "Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter,

Remus: This could take a while.

Peter: The poor goblins!

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Lucius: scattering a handful of moldy dog biscuits

Sirius: Mmm, dog biscuits!

Remus: Padfoot-- moldy dog biscuits. Moldy.

Sirius: Eh, fair point.

Remus: *long suffering sigh*

Lucius: over the goblin's book of numbers. The goblin wrinkled his nose.

Narcissa: I don't blame him. Ugh.

Lucius: Harry watched the goblin on their right weighing a pile of rubies as big as glowing coals.

Severus: That's the vaguest description I've ever heard! Glowing coals come in sizes that range from miniscule to enormous!

Nightwing: Let's just assume these rubies are as big as big glowing coals.

Lucius: "Got it," said Hagrid at last,

Remus: That didn't take nearly as long as I expected it to.

James: Trust Hagrid to know his way around his own pockets.

Lucius: holding up a tiny golden key. The goblin looked at it closely.

James: See, they still have to be sure that it's your key.

Sirius: Paranoid little buggers, aren't they?

Lucius: "That seems to be in order." "An' I've also got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly,

Bellatrix: *mockingly* Ooh, a letter from the Muggle-loving old imbecile! Aren't you important?

Lucius: throwing out his chest.

Narcissa: Overreacting much? A letter from Dumbledore is not that great!

Lucius: "It's about the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen."

Severus: The You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen. If there was any chance of Potter not trying to discover his secret, the great oaf just destroyed it.

Lily: How do you know he'll end up being so nosy?

Severus: Lily, he may be your son, but he seems to be taking after his father far more than is healthy.

James: Oi, I am not that bad!

Severus: I beg to differ.

James: You would.

Nightwing: Lucy, would you be a dear and read so these two will SHUT UP?

Lucius: *glares* Don't call me Lucy. The goblin read the letter carefully.

James: They want to make sure no one tries to fool them with fine print or codes.

Bellatrix: Potter, not one of us is as imbecilic as you are... except perhaps Pettigrew.

Peter: Oi!

Bellatrix: *ignores him* We all know full well how goblins' minds work. Would you kindly stop explaining their every action as though we need it?

James: *glares, but shuts up*

Lucius: "Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you down to both vaults.

Narcissa: Ugh, here comes the cart.... *looks rather nauseous just thinking about it*

Lucius: Griphook!" Griphook was yet another goblin.

Bellatrix: Of course Griphook was another goblin! Everyone who works at Gringotts is a goblin!

Severus: Except for the Curse-Breakers and some other careers that none but a wizard could ever hope to be competent in.

Bellatrix: Still, it's maddening that this author feels the need to explain every tiny detail that even the most unintelligent house elf could understand multiple times!

Lucius: Once Hagrid had crammed all the dog biscuits back inside his pockets,

Remus: Why doesn't he just get rid of them?

Sirius: Moony, this is Hagrid we're talking about. I don't envy Fang for having to eat them. Those

biscuits have probably been around longer than I have at that point.

Remus: That's saying something. You'd be around thirty-one at the time of this story.

Sirius: Exactly. *shudders*

Lucius: he and Harry followed Griphook toward one of the doors leading off the hall. "What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.

Lily: POTTER!!! Why did you have to pass on your infernal nosiness to my son?!

James: I'm sorry! You have to admit, it wouldn't be half as good a story if Harry didn't have some sort of mystery to figure out!

Lily: *tries to think of a response to that, but can't* ... hmph.

Lucius: "Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously.

Severus: That can only serve to make the boy's desire to stick his nose in places it doesn't belong even more irritatingly potent. I hope Hagrid is pleased with himself.

Lucius: "Very secret. Hogwarts business.

Severus: Which is going to quickly turn into Potter's business if he has anything to say about it.

Lucius: Dumbledore's trusted me. More'n my job's worth ter tell yeh that."

Severus: So now he'll only try and find out himself, because a Potter simply cannot mind his own business.

James: Sod off, Snivellus, what has my son done to you?

Severus: Simple. He's your son.

Lucius: Griphook held the door open for them. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised.

Narcissa: Why would they ruin perfectly good marble with those deplorable carts? *shudders*

Lucius: They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches.

Nightwing: Hehehe... fire.... *gets that creepy look in her eyes again*

All except Nightwing: *edge away from Nightwing*

Lucius: It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor.

Narcissa: *starts shuddering uncontrollably*

Lucius: *puts his arm around her while he reads* Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them.

Narcissa: Ugh, I hate those carts. *shudders again*

Lucius: They climbed in--Hagrid with some difficulty--

Bellatrix: Why am I not surprised?

Lucius: and were off.

Narcissa: I may detest this child, but even with his disgusting upbringing, I have to feel sorry for him. It's just a mark of how much I loathe those carts. *shudder*

Lucius: At first they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages.

Narcissa: Lucius, would you please skip this bit? I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.

Lucius: Sorry, Cissa, our dear Authoress told me earlier I'm not allowed to skip anything. Close your eyes. It will soon pass.

Narcissa: *nods and keeps her eyes closed for the rest of Gringotts*

Sirius: Cissa, you really are pathetic, do you know that?

Lucius: Harry tried to remember, left, right, right, left, middle fork, right, left, but it was impossible.

Peter: Why would you try to remember that anyway?

Lucius: The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering.

Remus: Of course it knows its own way. It's easier on the goblins when they don't have to remember the way through all those tunnels by themselves. I mean, they probably could, of course, but it's easier if they don't need to.