The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time....

Remus: So, if we continue our pattern, a Gryffindor reads next, right?

Nightwing: Yep!

Remus: If you don't have a specific one in mind, can I have a go?

Nightwing: Sure! Go right ahead.

Remus: *takes the book from Severus* Chapter Four, The Keeper Of The Keys....

Sirius: Keeper of the Keys? What's that supposed to mean?

Lily: It's a more proper way of saying gamekeeper-- "Keeper of the Keys and Grounds."

James: Wouldn't that imply Hagrid was coming to save our son?

Lily: *eyes light up* I think it might!

Remus: Well, the chapter picture certainly looks like him, at any rate. Shall we find out? BOOM.

All: *jump as Remus reads that really loud*

Remus: *smiles a little* They knocked again.

Lucius: Yes, we'd all figured that out when Lupin scared us half to death.

Remus: Dudley jerked awake.

Bellatrix: Oh, great, we have to put up with him more?

Nightwing: Look on the bright side, this is the last chapter in which he actually speaks.

All: *cheer*

Remus: "Where's the cannon?"

Sirius: What's a cannon?

Lily: It's like a very large gun.

Sirius: Ah, okay. *pause What's a gun?

Lily: A small metal wand-- wait, didn't Severus explain this in the first chapter?

Severus: When was the last time Black listened to a word I said?

Lily: Good point. Anyway, it's a small metal wand Muggles kill each other with. A cannon's a huge, explosive one. Think of the Reductor Curse in a large black tube, that's basically what it is.

Remus: he said stupidly.

James: Has he ever said anything intelligently?

Sirius: I doubt it.

Narcissa: You're one to talk, aren't you, Sirius?

Sirius: Shut up, Narcissa!

Remus: There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon

Bellatrix: Was seen plummeting down the side of rock into the ocean, exactly below a large hole in the wall.

Remus: came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands--

Lucius: What's a rifle?

Severus: It's a type of gun.

Remus: now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.

Sirius: Aww, that's disappointing.

Bellatrix: Only if you're you.

Sirius: I know. *looks smug*

Remus: "Who's there?" he shouted.

James: "Rubeus Hagrid!" boomed the reply. "I've come to rescue Harry Potter from yer disgustin' abuse!"

Lily: Oh, I hope it is!

Remus: "I warn you--I'm armed!"

Sirius: And legged.

Nightwing: Okay, that is one of the most overused jokes in the history of MSTs, and it's no longer funny. *flicks a fireball at Sirius for using it*

Remus: There was a pause. Then--SMASH! *read that really loud*

All except Remus: *jump again*

Nightwing: Stop doing that, Remus!

Remus: *is definitely looking a bit smug now* The door was hit with such force that it

James: Shattered into a million pieces, one of which flew straight through Vernon.

Sirius: Impaled by door fragments. What a way to go.

Remus: swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash

Bellatrix: Squashed the Dursleys flat. Poor little Harry, can't live with Muggles anymore.

All except Bellatrix: Good.

Remus: landed flat on the floor.

Bellatrix: On top of the Muggles, too, I hope?

Nightwing: Nope, sorry.

Bellatrix: *swears*

Sirius: Language, Bella.

Remus: A giant of a man was standing in the doorway.

Lily: Yes! It is Hagrid!

Remus: His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out

Sirius: With him quite easily.

Lucius: Speaking from experience, Black?

Sirius: *has the good sense to stay silent*

Bellatrix: Notice that he's not denying it.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *snicker*

Remus: his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

Peter: What a description. Who would have thought to compare his eyes to beetles?

Severus: Apparently this JK Rowling person.

Lily: Actually, if you think about it, they kind of do look like beetles.

Remus: The giant squeezed his

Sirius: Pe--

Remus: Shut up, Sirius.

Sirius: How did you know what I was going to say?

Remus: Easy. You're you.

Remus: way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed

Peter: Its teeth.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: What?

Remus: the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame.

James: *slightly bitterly* I wish it had shattered.

Remus: The noise of the storm outside dropped

Bellatrix: Off a cliff.

Lucius: Into the starving jaws of a waiting chim--

Nightwing: Oh, I dare you.

Lucius: *smirks* Into the starving jaws of a waiting chimaera.

Nightwing: Oh, bite me.

Remus: a little. He turned to look at them all.

Severus: And they all turned into stone... oh, wait, no, that's Medusa.

Remus: "Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey...."

Gryffindors: *burst out laughing*

Sirius: Honestly, only Hagrid would break down somebody's door and then ask for tea.

Remus: He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.

Bellatrix: Aww, is the wittle baby fwitened of big scawy ol' Hagwid?

Remus: "Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.

James: *snickers* In the category of things only Hagrid would say to a stranger....

Sirius: Accurate description, though, you really must admit.

Remus: Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother,

Lily: That won't work, he's at least twice her width.

Remus: who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.

Lily: Now that would probably work. He's probably about four times her width.

Remus: "An' here's Harry!" said the giant. Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face

Peter: That's not a very flattering description, is it? Poor Hagrid.

Sirius: Peter, stop sounding girly. It's just a bit creepy.

Remus: and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.

Lily: Awww!

Remus: "Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yet dad,

James: *grins* So he's definitely going to be popular with the ladies at Hogwarts.

Remus: How can you tell?

James: He's got my good looks!

Lily: *rolls her eyes*

Remus: but yeh've got yet mom's eyes."

Lily: *beams*

James: And what beautiful eyes they are!

Remus: Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.

Lucius: *sarcastically* Ah, how brave the Muggle is. A Gryffindor through and through.

Bellatrix: Lucius, he's a Muggle.

Lucius: *smirks* I repeat, a Gryffindor through and through.

Sirius: I'll have you know, Malfoy, we wouldn't let horrible gits like him into our House.

Severus: Could have fooled me.

Nightwing: GUYS! Can you all please stop fighting?

Sirius: We can't help it, it's our natural response to being locked in a room together.

Nightwing: Whatever. Read, Remus.

Remus: "I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"

James: And what's he going to do about it?

Lily: Shout, I expect, it's his normal response to situations like this.

Remus: "Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," said the giant;

Gryffindors and Nightwing: *burst out laughing*

Sirius: I love Hagrid.

James: *still grinning* Can't say I've ever heard somebody called a prune before.

Peter: Well, he is purple like a prune.

Remus: he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber,

All: Ha ha!

Lily: Serve him right.

Remus: and threw it into a corner of the room. Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.

Bellatrix: What exactly does that sound like?

Nightwing: Only one way to find out!

Peter: *squeaks in terror*

Lily, Lucius, Bellatrix, and Narcissa: *give Peter weird looks*

Nightwing: Not quite what I meant, but I won't do it anyway.

Peter: *sigh of relief*

Remus: "Anyway--Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh.

Lily: Remember your manners, Harry! Say thank you!

Remus: Got summat fer yeh here--

Sirius: Whatever you do, don't eat it! And if you see jaws or hear it make any noise at all, run. Run fast and far.

Remus: I mighta sat on it at some point,

All: Eurgh!

Remus: but it'll taste all right."

Lucius: If that oaf made it? I highly doubt that.

Remus: From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box.

Peter: Yep, Hagrid sat on it.

Sirius: Don't eat it Harry! Run for your life!

Lily: Why are you so opposed to Harry eating whatever this is?

Sirius: Because Hagrid made it. There's probably something living in there.

Lily: This is true. Although if Hagrid sat on it, it's probably not living anymore.

Sirius: *darkly* You'd be surprised.

Remus: Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky

James: Chicken.

Peter: Monkey!

Sirius: Muffin. *shudders*

Remus: *bangs his head against the book a few times before he continues reading* chocolate cake with "Happy Birthday Harry" written on it in green icing.

Lily: Awwww!

Narcissa: He can write?

Lucius: I'm sure someone helped him. We mustn't overestimate the great filthy half breed.

Bellatrix: How do you know he's a half breed?

Lucius: My father's always suspected he's a bit giant.

Nightwing: A Malfoy using his father's judgement as fact. Why does this sound familiar?

Remus: Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you,

Lily: What do you mean meant to say thank you? Say it, Harry! Show me you're the tiniest bit polite and that you don't take after your toerag of a father!

James: Oi!

Remus: but the words got lost on the way to his mouth,

Lily: *annoyed* Harry....

Remus: and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"

Lily: HARRY POTTER, where are your manners?!

James: Well, Hagrid hasn't introduced himself.

Lily: I know that, but that's no reason to be rude! He should have said thank you for the cake, and besides, there are several ways to ask someone who they are without being so rude about it! He should have said, "Pardon me, but I didn't catch your name," or--

Lucius: Read, Lupin, or we'll be here listening to the Mudblood rant for hours.

Remus: Don't use that word, Lucius. The giant chuckled. "True, I haven't introduced meself.

Sirius: Looks like Hagrid's taking it well, doesn't it?

Lily: That still doesn't excuse Harry.

Bellatrix: For the love of Merlin, Evans, let it go! Kids don't always think to do what their parents want, and it's no use making us listen to you whining about how your son isn't a perfect little angel!

Remus: Rubeus Hagrid,

Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily: Yay!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *boo and hiss*

Remus: Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."

Peter: How formal. Why doesn't he just say groundskeeper?

Sirius: He's trying to sound impressive, that's why.

Remus: He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.

James: That's better than when I met him for the first time. He didn't shake my whole arm, he lifted me off the ground by my arm and shook my whole body for about a minute before he realized he was hurting me.

Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *wince*

Bellatrix: *mockingly* Aww, poor wittle bitty baby Potter.

Sirius: Stop. Doing. That. Voice.

Remus: "What about that tea then, eh?"

All: *snicker*

Remus: he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."

Narcissa: Typical Hagrid. Never thinks about anything but alcohol, does he? I can't believe he's kept his job as gamekeeper for this long. I mean, Dumbledore knows how often he's drunk!

Lily: He shouldn't be drinking in front of my child anyway! Especially when he's doing something this important!

Remus: His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted.

Lucius: Spraying bogies all over the cottage and not realizing that wasn't a good thing to do in respectable society.

James: Hagrid's not that bad, Malfoy.

Lucius: *just smirks*

Remus: He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing

Sirius: An Incendio charm, no doubt.

Peter: But didn't his wand get snapped? How can he do magic?

Sirius: You've never seen him do magic with his pink umbrella?

Remus: but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there.

Sirius: Hey, I was right!

Bellatrix: *sarcastically* Congratulations, Sirius, for stating the almost painfully obvious. Would you like a cookie?

Sirius: Yes, actually, a cookie sounds lovely.

Bellatrix: *rolls her eyes and sighs in annoyance*

Nightwing: *beams, conjures a cookie out of nowhere, and tosses it to Sirius*

Sirius: Yay! *munches cookie*

Remus: It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.

Severus: Except for the fact that this particular warmth comes from fire and not water, which makes that description completely moronic. Just what I'd expect from the spawn of Potter.

James: *glares*

Remus: The giant sat back down on the sofa, which

Bellatrix: Snapped in two.

Remus: sagged under his weight,

Bellatrix: I was close. What I said will probably happen soon.

Remus: and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat:

James: This should be interesting.

Peter: Why?

James: Have you ever seen that overcoat of Hagrid's? It's full of the most random stuff.

Remus: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs,

Sirius: Why in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y Fronts would you carry all that junk around with you everwhere?

Remus: and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.

Lily: STOP DRINKING IN FRONT OF MY CHILD!

Remus: Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage.

Peter: Mmmm, sausage. *stomach rumbles* Er, Miss Authoress?

Nightwing: No.

Peter: *whines* But I'm hungry!

Nightwing: I don't care, I like watching you suffer. *smiles so evilly it becomes obvious why my real life friends call me Bellatrix*

Peter: *looks rather offended and hurt, but shuts up*

Remus: Nobody said a thing while the giant was working,

Narcissa: Why are they still calling him "the giant?" Didn't he say his name already?

Severus: He's Potter's son, do you really expect him to have normal intelligence?

Narcissa: This is true.

Remus: but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages

Peter: *stomach rumbles a little louder*

Nightwing: I'm still not summoning any sausages for you.

Remus: from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little.

Peter: See? Dudley thinks they sound good and he wants one!

Nightwing: But that doesn't mean either one of you is getting a sausage, so kindly stop begging me.

Peter: Mean.

Nightwing: *smirk* I know.

Remus: Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."

James: Like he'd get one anyway! Those are for Harry, and only Harry will be eating any of them! *pause* Though I suppose Hagrid's entitled to a few, seeing as we like him and he made them.

Remus: The giant chuckled darkly. "Yet great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."

All except Peter: Hear hear!

Nightwing: And neither does Peter, so no sausages for eaither of the little gits.

Peter: *sniffles*

Remus: He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful,

Lily: *beams*

Remus: but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant.

Lily: It's not polite to stare, dear.

Bellatrix: Oh, dear Lord, not this again....

Remus: Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything,

James: Yeah, why isn't Hagrid explaining anything?

Remus: he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."

Severus: Was he not clear enough before? Is his full name and title not enough for your inferior brain to comprehend? He truly has inherited his father's mediocre intelligence.

James: *glares* Watch it, Snape.

Remus: The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does.

Peter: Yep. I didn't actually know his first name was Rubeus until now.

Remus: An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts--yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

James: Nope.

Sirius: This should be good. *smirks* Seeing as it's entierly the Dursley's fault, and you all know how quick Hagrid's temper is.

All except Sirius: *smirk also*

Remus: "Er--no," said Harry. Hagrid looked shocked. "Sorry," Harry said quickly.

Lily: Oh, dear, don't apologize! It's not your fault at all! It's my dirty rotten no good--

Nightwing: Pig-stealing great-great-grandfather?

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Nightwing: Sorry. It's a reference to a Muggle book called Holes.

Lily: All right, then... It's all my dirty rotten no good sister's fault! She's the one who should be sorry!

Remus: "Sorry?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows.

Bellatrix: *cackles* Still scared of Hagrid, are you? These people are so pathetic!

Narcissa: I don't know, Bella, I would think Hagrid would be rather frightening when he's angry.

Lucius: Oh, yes, you never want to get on the bad side of a giant. Or a half-giant, for that matter.

Nightwing: *cough* Hypocrite *cough*

Remus: "It' s them as should be sorry!

Lily: That's what I said!

Remus: I knew yeh weren't gettin' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud!

Severus: Well, he doesn't.

Narcissa: This should be good.

Bellatrix: *cackles*

Remus: Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?" "All what?" asked Harry.

James: They're dead meat! Way to go, Harry!

Lily: It was nice knowing you, Petunia. *pause* Actually, no, it wasn't really.

Remus: "ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"

Peter: One hippopotamus....

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Peter: It said wait one second!

Remus: He had leapt

Bellatrix: Off a cliff.

Remus: to his feet.

Bellatrix: Why is it never off a cliff?

Remus: In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut.

Severus: *sarcastically* Of course, there's no way he could be filling the whole hut simply because he's so huge. That would be far too obvious.

Remus: The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.

Bellatrix: HAH! They're still scared of that great oaf? They don't know what real fear is!

Remus: "Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy--this boy!--knows nothin' abou'--about ANYTHING?"

Sirius: If by "anything," you mean "magic," then yes, that boy does know nothing about anything.

Peter: *sing song* Dursley's gonna get it!

Remus: Harry thought this was going a bit far.

Bellatrix: Oh, it hasn't gone anywhere yet. *sadistic smile*

Remus: He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.

James: That's not quite what he meant.

Lily: Stil, at least my son's intelligent. *beams* Nice to know he's not completely like his father.

James: *sulks*

Remus: "I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."

Narcissa: And exactly what use is that rubbish to anyone?

Nightwing: You know, I have exactly the same thoughts nearly every day at my Muggle school.

Bellatrix: So you ARE a Muggle!

Nightwing: I am not a Muggle! The owl carrying my Hogwarts letter got lost at sea on the way to America and I never got it. But I am a witch. Seriously. Er... read, Moony.

Remus: But Hagrid simply waved his hand

Lucius: Knocked Harry out cold,

Remus: and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."

Bellatrix: "Your parent's world?!" How dare you imply that the Wizarding world belongs to those two?! If this was Potter's and Evans's world, I think I'd leave!

Sirius: Leave the world anyway, do us all a favor.

Remus: "What world?"

Narcissa: *grins* Oh, he's done it now.

Sirius: Surprisingly, Cissa, I agree with you. Dursley's going down!

Remus: Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.

Peter: I pity the person who would have to clean that up. All those pieces of Hagrid all over the walls.... *shudder*

Remus: "DURSLEY!" he boomed. Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered

something that sounded like "Mimblewimble."

Sirius: Mimblewimble.... Hey, Moony, isn't that a dueling spell that makes your wand copy your opponent's last move?

Remus: You know, I think it might be. Hagrid stared wildly at Harry. "But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said.

James: Well, he doesn't.

Lily: *sob*

Remus: "I mean, they're famous.

James: *eyes light up* I'm famous? I'm-- I'm famous?! *jumps up and sings* I'm famous! I'm famous! I'm famous!

Sirius: Yes, Prongs, you're famous, now shut up.

Severus: *nastily* It would be much better for you if you were actually alive to enjoy your fame, wouldn't it?

James:... oh yeah.... *sits back down, dejected*

Remus: You're probably only famous because of your son. You know, because you fathered the child who defeated Lord Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

James: *sulks*

Remus: *looks at Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix* Get a grip, you lot. You're famous." "What? My--my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"

James: *proudly, totally getting over the fact that he's not famous of any of his own achievements* Yes we are! Famous for being your mum and dad!

Remus: "Yeh don' know... yeh don' know..."

Severus: No, he doesn't know. Here's a novel idea: why don't you tell him?

Remus: Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare. "Yeh don' know what yeh are?" he said finally.

Lucius: Of course he knows what he is. He's a scrawny, specky little prat with horrible eyesight and even worse hair who can't stick up for himself worth a sack of dragon dung.

Lily and James: *glare*

Remus: Uncle Vernon suddenly found his voice.

All: Booooo....

Remus: "Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sit! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"

Lily: Vernon, do shut up, no one really cares what you have to say, and least of all Hagrid.

Remus: A braver man than Vernon Dursley

Severus: That is to say, nearly anyone on the face of the Earth.

Remus: would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.

Bellatrix: *waves mockingly* Bye-bye, Dursley, you're in for it now!

Remus: "You never told him?

James: Nope. I love it when karma comes full circle. *smirks*

Remus: Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there!

Sirius: We know you were, Hagrid. And you were on my motorbike!

Remus: I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

Peter: Pretty much, yeah.

Remus: "Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.

Narcissa: The letter and what it said, obviously. Merlin's beard, Potter, your son really does take after you!

Lily: *gives James a very, very evil look*

James: What is it with all these insults on my intelligence?!

Remus: "STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.

All: SHUT UP, DURSLEY!

Remus: Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror. "Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid.

All: *laugh*

James: Never one to mince words around, was he?

Sirius: *grinning* Good old Hagrid.

Remus: "Harry--yer a wizard."

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *cheer*

Sirius: FINALLY!

Lily and James: *hug*

Lily: *looks horrified with herself and glares at James*

James: *looks smug*

Severus: *lip curls, but otherwise doesn't show that he's jealous of James*

Remus: There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.

Sirius: *whistles until Bellatrix chucks her wand at him to shut him up*

Remus: "-- a what?" gasped Harry.

Lucius: A wizard. Meaning you have magical powers and are worth half a bowl of bubotuber pus.

Narcissa: But Lucius, he's a half blood! The son of Potter and Evans!

Lucius: I know. That's why I said half a bowl of bubotuber pus.

Lily and James: *glare*

Remus: "A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid,

Lily: *beams*

Remus: sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and

Bellatrix: Snapped in half.

Remus: sank even lower,

Bellatrix: *glares at the book*

Remus: "an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit.

Narcissa: How can he tell? He hasn't even read the letter yet!

Severus: He's overestimating the boy, just because he defeated the Dark Lord temporarily. There's no way he's inherited anything better than his father's mediocre talent.

James: Oi! I'll have you know, I'm one of the top students in this school, thank you very much!

Severus: Merlin knows how that happened. *pauses* Although there may be a slight chance of him getting Lily's intelligence.

Lily: Oh, I hope so!

James: *sulks*

Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Lucius: *glance at each other*

Remus: With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be?

Lucius: It's not impossible for him to have been a Squib, particularly with a Mudblood for a mother.

Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, and Nightwing: *glare at Lucius for calling Lily a Mudblood*

Lucius: *doesn't notice* My family's one of the purest around, and I used to have a Squib cousin.

Lily: *looks slightly alarmed* What do you mean used to?

Lucius: *looks at her incredulously* You can't honestly think we'd allow that sort of filth to foul our family tree, would you? He was disowned on the spot the moment my aunt and uncle realized his Hogwarts letter would never come!

Nightwing: Oh, Lucius?

Lucius: What?

Nightwing: You used the M word. Twice. *turns him into a donkey*

Lucius the Donkey: *curses*

Remus: An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."

Sirius, James, and Peter: Finally!

James: *practically quivering with excitement*

Lily: *happy tears stream down her face as Remus reads*

Remus: Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to

Bellatrix: Why do we have to hear the address again?!

Nightwing: Because it changes every time the Dursleys move Harry around.

Remus: Mr. H. Potter, The Floor,

Lily and James: *eyes twitch*

Remus: Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

Sirius: Do we have to read this, Miss Authoress? We all know what the Hogwarts letters say.

Nightwing: Yes, you do. I'm not letting you skip anything in the series, and this includes the long descriptions of stuff you already know in the next books.

All except Nightwing: *groan*

Nightwing: *evilly* Heh heh heh....

Remus: HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Sirius and James: *clap and cheer*

Remus: Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Sirius and James: *clap and cheer louder*

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *boo and hiss*

Remus: (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump,

Peter: What is that, anyway?

Sirius and James: *shrug*

Remus: International Confed. of Wizards) Dear Mr. Potter,

James: *looks up quickly* I didn't do it! It was Winkin! I mean... oh....

Peter: Who's Winkin?

Sirius: One of his house-elves. He likes to do magic and get James in trouble with the Ministry. Then his dad sorts it all out and James gets off clean.

Lily: One of your house-elves? How many do you have?

James: Three. Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod.

All except James: *give James weird looks*

James: Hey, I didn't name them.

Remus: We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Lily: *bursts into tears of happiness* Congratulations, Harry!

Remus: Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress

Sirius: Thank Merlin she's still only the Deputy. Can you imagine what poor Harry's life would be like if she ever got promoted to Headmistress?

Nightwing: Why is the Deputy Head always the Transfiguration teacher?

Remus: Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks

Lucius the Donkey: What are fireworks?

Nightwing: Tubes full of chemicals and set fire to that make big explosions of color in the sky. They're really pretty, and Muggles use them to make displays for celebrations and things.

Remus: and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"

Narcissa: It means they want your response! Merlin's beard, even I'm starting to feel sorry for this boy! Raised by Muggles and not even aware that owls carry messages!

Remus: "Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse,

Peter: Poor horse.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Remus: Only you, Wormtail, only you.... and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat

Lily: How many pockets does he have in there?

Sirius: Four hundred and seventy two. I've counted.

Lily: That was rhetorical, but okay, thank you, I guess....

Remus: he pulled an owl--a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl--

Sirius: That must have sucked, being cooped up in Hagrid's jacket for all that time.

James: Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine. It's Hagrid, after all, the owl will have had plenty of space to breathe.

Remus: a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note

Lucius the Donkey: That oaf can write?

Sirius: You know, Malfoy, you don't have to call him "that oaf" all the time. His name is Hagrid. Use it.

Remus: that Harry could read upside down:

Bellatrix: Talented thing, isn't he? Not only can he read after being dragged up by those idiot Muggles, but upside down and everything!

Remus: Dear Professor Dumbledore, Given Harry his letter. Taking him to buy his things tomorrow. Weather's horrible. Hope you're well. Hagrid

Lily: Well, that was straightforward.

James: 'Course it was, it's Hagrid. We already said he's not one to mince words around.

Remus: Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm.

Peter: Poor--!
Sirius: *before Peter can finish* It'll be fine, Peter. It's a Hogwarts owl, after all. They've managed much worse. You know, like blizzards and stuff.

Peter: *cheers up* This is true.

Remus: Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.

Lucius the Donkey: That would be because it is normal, for us. Well, not "as normal as talking on the telephone," because most of us don't even know what a telephone is, but you get the point. *pause* Okay, Nightwing, can you please turn me back?

Nightwing: Fine. *turns him back* Promise me you won't be rude to Lily any more.

Lucius: *with his fingers crossed* I promise I won't be rude to Evans any more.

Nightwing: Okay, I know you didn't mean that and you had your fingers crossed, but I'll let it slide.

Lily: You will? Why?

Nightwing: Because he has pretty hair and I can't drool over it when he's in donkey form! *beams*

Lucius: *smirks*

Remus: Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.

James: You think that's impressive, son, just wait until you get to Hogwarts!

Remus: "Where was I?" said Hagrid,

Peter: Mars.

All except Peter: Wha...?

Peter: Mars. Hagrid was on Mars!

All except Peter: Right....

Remus: but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.

All: GO AWAY!

Remus: "He's not going," he said.

James: He bloody well is!

Lily: What are you going to do about it, Vernon?

Remus: Hagrid grunted. "I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.

Severus: As if he could!

Remus: "A what?" said Harry, interested. "A Muggle," said Hagrid,

Lucius: Filth.

Narcissa: Slime.

Bellatrix: Those who aren't fit to wipe mud from the boots of a--

Sirius: *sourly* Shut up, the lot of you.

Bellatrix: *mockingly* Oh, but of course, Sirius has always wanted to snap his wand in half and join the Muggles, haven't you, Sirius?

Sirius: I said shut up, Bellatrix!

Remus: *reads quickly before a fight breaks out* "it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

Lucius: See? Even Hagrid uses it as an insult!

Lily: I'm sure he didn't mean it like that.

Lucius: No, you're right. It's a shame, though. For a moment I almost liked him.

Remus: "We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish,"

All: MAGIC IS NOT RUBBISH!

Remus: said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him!

Severus: Yes, but it's impossible to stamp something intangible out of anyone, so that really was a rather stupid idea, wasn't it?

Remus: Wizard indeed!"

James: Yes, Harry is a wizard indeed!

Remus: Not what they meant, Prongs. A lot of times indeed is used to emphasize sarcasm.

James: I know, I was doing Vernon a favor and making him seem like less of a git.

Remus: "You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a--a wizard?"

Lily: Of course she did! She's my sister, how could she not know?

Remus: "Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Knew! Of course we knew! How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was?

Lily: *eyes gradually widen in shock as the exact extent to which her sister hates her becomes more apparent*

Severus: *grows steadily angrier with every insult Remus reads about Petunia shrieking about Lily, but doesn't show it except for clenching his fists tighter and tighter in the pockets of his robes*

Remus: Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that-- that school-- and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn,

Lily: What? I never came home with my pockets full of frog spawn! I hate using frog spawn!

Remus: turning teacups into rats.

Lily: I only did that once, thank you, and it was an accident!

Remus: I was the only one who saw her for what she was--a freak!

James: LILY IS NOT A FREAK! She's the most beautiful, talented witch I've ever met!

Lily: *tries not to look too flattered by that*

Severus: *glares at James*

Remus: But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!"

Severus: As they well should be!

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *stare at him*

Severus: *hastily, to the other Slytherins* Any Muggle family should be proud of having a bit of magic to make their families seem slightly purer. I mean, Mudblood is a step up from Muggle, isn't it?

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *turn away, satisfied*

Severus: *as soon as they're not looking, turns to Lily and gives her a look to say he didn't mean a word of that*

Remus: She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years.

James: *darkly* Oh, I'm sure she has.

Lily: *blinks* Wow. I didn't realize she hated me that much. I mean, I knew she hated me, she's hated me since I got my Hogwarts letter, but I didn't know things had gotten quite this bad!

Remus: "Then she met that Potter at school

Lily: Ugh, don't remind me!

Remus: and they left and got married and had you,

Sirius: And not necessarily in that order.

James: *smacks him*

Remus: and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as--as--

James: Amazing? Talented? Ruggedly good looking?

Remus: abnormal--

James: Pshaw, you're the abnormal one. Not recognizing Lily for the wonder she is!

Lily: *turns slightly pink* Shut up, Potter.

Remus: and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up

Lucius: The Avada Kedavra doesn't blow people up and I'd be only too glad to give you proof!

Remus: and we got landed with you!"

Sirius: You could have given him to an orphanage! He'd probably have been happier there!

Remus: Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice

Peter: It was probably under the couch. That's where all the stuff I lose ends up.

All except Peter: *ignore him*

Remus: he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"

James: Hagrid's going to kill them.

All: *look as though they have no problem whatsoever with this*

Remus: "CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid, jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter?

James: Yes! Thank you! We can fly, Floo, and Apparate-- why in Merlin's name would we even own a car, let alone crash it?

Remus: It's an outrage! A scandal!

Lily: Okay, as much as I hate the fact that Harry was lied to all his life, I have to admit, Hagrid's overreacting a bit.

Remus: Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"

Sirius: What about the adults?

Remus: They were kids once, too, I suppose.

James: Besides, adults don't know anything.

Remus: Never mind the fact that we'll all be adults when all this happens.

James: Oh yeah....

Remus: "But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently. The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.

Peter: Oh, are we about to find out exactly what happened when V-Vol... V... You-Know-Who tried to kill Harry?

James: We'll know soon enough. Moony, if you please.

Remus: "I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know.

Bellatrix: He's been raised by Muggles all his life, how would he know all this? Merlin's pants, is Hagrid thick or is Hagrid thick?

Remus: Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh--

Sirius: You're there, Harry's asking-- if you're not the right person, who is?

Remus: but someone's gotta--yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'." He threw a

Bellatrix: Knife.

Severus: Bomb.

Lucius: Live chimaera.

Remus: dirty look

Bellatrix, Severus, and Lucius: Booooring....

Remus: at the Dursleys.

Narcissa: At least it hit the right target.

Bellatrix: Wish it had caused some damage, though. The longer lasting, the better.

Remus: "Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh--mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it...."

Sirius: *bitterly* Figures we don't get the whole story.

Narcissa: Well, what do you expect from that great overgrown moron?

Remus: He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with--

Bellatrix: The Dark Lord! *cackles*

Remus: with a person called--but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows --"

James: Well, he hasn't exactly grown up in our world, if you haven't noticed.

Remus: "Who?" "Well--I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."

Sirius: You know, I don't get that at all. It's just a name, after all, it's not as if he's going to appear and kill you just for saying it.

Bellatrix: It's disrespectful to address a wizard of such power... such illustriousness... by something as common as his name! By not showing fear to his might, you run the risk of fouling it with your unworthy tongue! Even his most loyal servants feel we are undeserving of besmirching--

Sirius: Oh, do shut up, Bella. We don't need to hear about how you're in love with Lord Voldemort, thank you very much.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: "Why not?" "Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry, people are still scared.

James: Which, like Sirius said, is utterly ridiculous. Especially now that he's gone.

Bellatrix: No one must defame the sacred eminence that is the Dark Lord!

Remus: Blimey, this is difficult.

Sirius: No, it isn't. Watch. Vol. De. Mort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: See, there was this wizard who went...

Peter: Completely berserk.

Sirius: Stark raving mad.

James: So far round the twist he came back.

Remus: bad.

Sirius and James: Understatement of the century!

Remus: As bad as you could go. Worse.

Lily: How can you go worse than as bad as you could go?

Remus: Worse than worse.

Lucius: That doesn't even make sense.

Remus: His name was..."

Sirius and James: Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Sirius and James: *are rather enjoying this by now*

Remus: Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.

Narcissa: What would that sound like, I wonder, if words came out on a gulp?

Lucius: I don't know, but it's really not important as it's really not possible.

Narcissa: True.

Remus: "Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.

Severus: Of course not. Hagrid's already written a whole note by himself, he's reached his limit. We don't want to overexert his already minimal brainpower, do we?

James: Shut it, Snivellus.

Remus: "Nah--can't spell it.

Severus: It's the same thing when you come down to it.

Remus: All right--Voldemort."

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: Will you lot please get a hold of yourselves? Hagrid shuddered. "Don' make me say it again.

Nightwing: *singing* Voldemort, Voldemort, oh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!

Peter,Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch flinch flinch flinch*

Remus: Anyway, this--this wizard, about twenty years ago now,

James: Merlin's pants!
All except James: What?

James: Eleven years of Voldemort in power!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

All: *silence*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *grin*

Lily, Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *horrified*

Sirius: ... read, Moony. Thinking about this is too depressing.

Remus: started lookin' fer followers.

Bellatrix: You called?

Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Lucius: *grin evilly around at each other*

Severus: *is grinning too, only slightly half-heartedly, but they don't notice that*

Remus: Got 'em, too--

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *cackle insanely*

Lucius: Hail the Dark Lord!

Nightwing: You know, if you all were Muggles living about thirty years ago-- well, seventy in my time, but anyway-- you all would have totally ended up Nazis.

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *blank stares*

Nightwing: Basically, replace the Dark Lord with a man named Adolph Hitler, the Death Eaters with an army of people called Nazis, and Muggles and Muggleborns with Jews, Gypsies, and all sorts of others (but mostly Jews), you've got something very similar to what we call the Holocaust.

Remus: some were afraid,

Narcissa: Cowards.

Severus, Lucius, and Bellatrix: *nod in agreement*

Peter: *looks slightly uncomfortable*

Nightwing: *glares at Peter*

Remus: some just wanted a bit o' his power,

Lucius: That would be us!

Bellatrix: *cackles*

Remus: 'cause he was gettin' himself power, all right.

Bellatrix: Can we say understatemment?

Remus: Dark days, Harry.

Nightwing: *singing* These days are dark, but we won't faaaaall! These days are dark, but we won't faaaall! These days are dark, but we won't fall, we'll stick together through it all! These days are dark, but we won't faaaaaall! These days are dark, but we won't faaaaaall! And the world will be beautiful, just look around! And the world will be beautiful, just look around! And the world will be beautiful, just look at all your friends!

Bellatrix: Do you ever stop singing?

Remus: Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches...

James: If that's the case, then why do we hang around Sirius?

Sirius: Oi!

Remus, James, and Peter: *laugh*

Remus: terrible things happened.

Narcissa: Only to those stupid enough to resist.

Remus: He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him--an' he killed 'em. Horribly.

Bellatrix: Or, if the person wasn't important enough, one of us did the killing for him. It all amounts to the same thing in the end.

Remus: One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of.

Bellatrix: Merlin only knows why that is.

Severus: Actually, Dumbledore is quite a great wizard.

Bellatrix: *scoffs*

Severus: Oh, yes, he is. The Dark Lord is frightened of him for a reason, and that's because Dumbledore is the only one with power to nearly match his own.

Remus: Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway. "Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew.

James and Lily: *beam*

Remus: Head boy

James: *blinks a few times* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: *bursts out laughing at James*

James: *collapses face down on the ground, sniffling and mourning the loss of his freedom as a Marauder*

Remus: an' girl at Hogwarts in their day!

Lily: *smiles modestly*

James: *sobs*

Sirius: Ah, Prongs, my lad, it looks like our days of rule breaking are finally over. We can't exactly manage mischief when our fearless leader is the head of the top line of defense against such shameful doings, can we?

James: *looks up* Go boil your head.

Sirius: Still, I guess it will help to have your dear Head Girl with you on those lonely nights when you're thinking, "Merlin's beard, I wish I had stayed a Marauder. Then I could be gallivanting around in the sparkling company of Moony, Wormtail, and especially Padfoot." Who knows? That may even be how Harry happened!

Lily: *slaps Sirius*

Remus: Are you quite finished, Padfoot?

Sirius: Yeah, I think so.

Remus: Good. Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before...

James: Because there's no bloody way he'd actually succeed, that's why!

Lucius: Now you see, Potter, that's exactly the attitude that got you killed.

Remus: probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.

James: *chest swells proudly* Exactly!

Remus: "Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em...

Lily: Fat chance!

Remus: maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way.

Severus: That's much more likely, when you consider Potter's pigheadedness.

James: I like my pigheadedness, thank you very much!

Remus: All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween ten years ago.

Lily: *bursts into tears on Severus's shoulder*

James: *looks hurt that she'd pick Snivellus instead of her future husband*

Severus: *doesn't show any emotion at all, just pats her back a bit and tries to comfort her as discreetly as possible*

Remus: You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an'--an' --"

Lily: *cries harder*

James: *looks extremely solemn*

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *bow their heads*

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *smirk*

Nightwing: *glares at Peter*

Remus: Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief

Narcissa: He still has that thing?

Lucius: And by the look of it, he hasn't washed it in twenty years, either.

Narcissa: Ugh!

Remus: and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.

Narcissa: Eurgh!

Remus: "Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad--

Bellatrix: No. No, it isn't.

Sirius: Shut up, Bella!

Remus: knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find--

James: *beams*

Lily: *gives a small, watery smile, but doesn't stop crying*

Remus: anyway..."

"You-Know-Who killed 'em.

Lily: *wails loudly and sobs even harder*

Severus: *hugs her close to him to try to comfort her*

James: *doesn't see this, expression goes stony, and there's a single tear welling up behind his glasses*

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *bow their heads, each one tearing up slightly*

Nightwing: *is trying very hard not to wring Peter's neck*

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *grin*

Remus: *waits to read until Lily's crying has subsided enough for him to be heard* An' then--an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing--he tried to kill you, too.

Lily: *lifts her head abruptly, tears still streaming down her horrified face* Not Harry! He's only a baby! What did my poor son do to him?! *breaks down on Severus's shoulder again*

James: Lily, this is Voldemort we're talking about. And besides, we already know Harry survives.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Lucius: Severus, don't touch the Mudblood, are you out of your mind?

Lily: *without moving* Leave me alone, Malfoy!

Remus: Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then.

Sirius: *extremely bitterly* I wouldn't doubt that.

Remus: But he couldn't do it.

All except Nightwing: *the Slytherins are horrified, the Gryffindors just confused* What?

Remus: Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut.

James: I told you I didn't knife him!

Remus: That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh-- took care of yer mum

Lily: *wail*

Narcissa: Nightwing, will you please shut her up?

Nightwing: No! She needs to let it out, it's good for her. Leave her alone.

Lily: *very quietly, muffled by Severus's shoulder and hardly audible through her tears* Thanks.

Nightwing: No prob. *beams*

Remus: an' dad

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *bow their heads*

Remus: an' yer house, even--

Lucius: The house? Wow, that must have been a strong Avada Kedavra!

Narcissa: Of course it was. The Dark Lord cast it, and he's the most powerful wizard in the world!

Bellatrix: *sighs happily* My hero!

Remus: but it didn't work on you,

Lucius: How in the name of Merlin--

Remus: *pointedly* Let's find out, shall we? an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em,

James: Except for Harry, of course.

Remus: no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age--

Lily: *wails again*

Remus: the McKinnons,

Sirius: Not George and Marlene!

Remus: the Bones,

Sirius: He got Cara and Ralph, too? This is horrible!

Remus: the Prewetts--

Sirius and James: *mouths fall open* Gideon and Fabian?!

James: They were the other two Chasers back until fourth year, and Fabian's still on the team! They're two of my best friends, other than you lot! This is terrible!

Sirius: Didn't they have an older sister, too? Molly, or something? You don't reckon...?

Nightwing: No, Molly survived. She's just peachy, actually.

Sirius: *sigh of relief*

James: Good.

Remus: an' you was only a baby, an' you lived."

Sirius: Wow.

Peter: Wow.

James: Wow. *pause* My son is amazing!

Remus: Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind.

Lily: *picks her head up again* Well, duh! He was just told all the details of his parent's murders, would you really expect that to not be painful?

Severus: Are you okay, Lily?

Lily: Yeah... *wipes her eyes* Thank you, Sev.

Severus: No problem.

Lucius: *sneers* Sev?

Remus: Before I continue reading, I would like to disclose one bit of interesting information about our dear Authoress. She's not an Always shipper.

Nightwing: Not that I don't like the Always pairing, obviously, I just don't really have a preference for any of the Lily pairings. I like Thorn and Buck and Moon Petals just as much, though I am the tiniest bit partial to Always. Anywhoodles, on with the show! Read, Moony!

Lucius: *whispers* What are they talking about?

Lily, James, Peter, Severus, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *shrug*

Remus: As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before--

Lily and James: *wince*

Remus: and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life:

Sirius: The fact that he had three godfathers who could have taken him away from this dunghill?

Remus: a high, cold, cruel laugh.

Lily: *gasps and looks about ready to throw herself onto Severus's shoulder again*

James: He... laughed while he killed us?

Sirius: That is sick. Just sick.

Nightwing: You've got to remember, though, this is Voldemort we're talking about.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: Hagrid was watching him sadly. "Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot..."

Sirius: Biggest mistake ever made. Why couldn't he have lived with me? Or Remus? Or Peter?

Remus: *scoffs* No one in their right mind would let me take care of a child.

Lily: Why not? You're the most responsible of this lot, that's for sure.

Remus: I have my reasons. "Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon.

James: *angrily* Only you would pass off the story of Lily's and my death as a "load of old tosh," Dursley!

Remus: *reads quickly before this can get out of hand* Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there.

Narcissa: Lucky him.

Remus: Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage.

Bellatrix: How long will this last, I wonder? Another paragraph or two at the most, I'll bet.

Remus: He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched. "Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled,

Sirius: And once again, he displays his complete inability to just say anything.

Remus: "I accept there's something strange about you,

James: You call it strange, the rest of it call it untapped talent!

Remus: probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured--

Lily: DON'T YOU DARE BEAT MY SON!

Remus: and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdos, no denying it,

Sirius: In James's case, no, there is no denying it.

James: What is this, Pick on Prongs Day?

Remus: and the world's better off without them in my opinion--

Peter: No one asked your opinion, though, so-- so just-- just shut up!
Nightwing: Peter's telling somebody off all by himself? Are we sure he can manage this?

Peter: *tries to glare* *ends up looking as though he just got smacked in the face*

Remus: asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types--

Lily: Like I had a choice! I was born a witch, it's not my fault!

James: Same here! My whole family's pureblood, how can I help "getting mixed up with wizarding types?!"

Remus: Calm down, guys, you know he's an utter git. Just ignore him. just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end --"

Narcissa: Oh, your end will be more than sticky, I assure you. How can a Muggle talk this disrespectfully about wizards? Even if they are Potter and Evans!

Remus: But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and

Bellatrix: Killed the Muggles.

Remus: drew a battered pink umbrella

Sirius: Merlin's beard, does he still have that thing?

Remus: from inside his coat. Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley--I'm warning you--one more word..."

Bellatrix: Oh, I hope he talks some more! I'd love to see what Hagrid does to him! *cackle*

Sirius: You know, I do believe you'd be disappointed. Hagrid's nothing like you, remember?

Bellatrix: *wistfully* I wish he was. That could have been good.

Remus: In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella by a bearded giant,

Peter: Well, I can't say I've ever heard of that problem before.

Remus: Uncle Vernon's courage failed again;

Sirius: So much for your "Gryffindor through and through" comment, eh, Malfoy?

Remus: he flattened himself against the wall and fell silent.

All: Good.

James: I hope he stays silent this time.

Nightwing: You'll be sadly disappointed.

James: Bugger.

Nightwing: Yeah, I know. On the plus side, he finally gets what's been coming to him!

All: *cheer*

Remus: "That's better," said Hagrid,

All: Hear, hear!

Remus: breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time

Bellatrix: *starting to lose her patience with this sofa* Snapped in two!

Remus: sagged right down to the floor. And it didn't snap, Bellatrix, so don't even say it.

Bellatrix: *looks murderous*

Remus: Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.

James: Ask away, my son, you don't have to obey my horrible sister-in-law's rules any longer!

Remus: "But what happened to Vol--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *get ready to flinch*

Remus: sorry--I mean, You-Know-Who?"

Lucius: You know, I'd rather like to know the answer to that myself.

Remus: "Good question, Harry.

Lucius: Though why I had my hopes up that Hagrid of all people would know the answer to something like that is beyond me.

Remus: Disappeared. Vanished.

Bellatrix: Yes, we realize that, seeing as they said it in the first chapter.

Nightwing: But Harry wasn't around then, and this is all being explained to him, so hush.

Remus: Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous.

Severus: "Even more famous?" Isn't that what he's famous for in the first place?

Lily: No, he was originally famous for surviving the Killing Curse. The fact that Voldemort--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Lily: -- was the one who ended up getting the blast of it instead just adds to that.

Remus: That's the biggest myst'ry, see... he was gettin' more an' more powerful--why'd he go?

Bellatrix: Oh, you had better be able to answer this so I can get my hands on whoever's responsible!

All except Bellatrix: *edge away from Bellatrix*

Remus: "Some say he died.

Lucius: Not a chance. He's tried too hard and too long to cheat death to actually die.

Remus: Codswallop, in my opinion.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Ours too!

James: You know, surprisingly, I'm with them. I don't think he could have been taken out that quickly what with all he's done.

Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *nod in agreement*

Remus: Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die.

James: Exactly.

Remus: Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it.

Narcissa: Then what exactly does he believe?

Remus: People who was on his side came back ter ours.

Lucius: And how many of those do you think were only pretending to have learned the error of their ways?

Bellatrix: Never renounce your allegiance to the Dark Lord!

Remus: Some of 'em came outta kinda trances.

Narcissa: Or, like dear Lucius said, pretended to come out of "kind of trances."

Sirius: *sneer* Dear Lucius?

Remus: Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back.

Lucius: Oh, you'd be surprised.

Remus: "Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers.

Bellatrix: How could a mere baby cause someone as powerful as the Dark Lord to lose their powers completely? That's just absurd!

Remus: Too weak to carry on.

Bellatrix: *angrily* He will return!

Remus: 'Cause somethin' about you finished him, Harry.

Bellatrix: HE IS NOT FINISHED! The Dark Lord will rise again, more powerful than ever before, and I refuse to accept--

Sirius: Shut UP, Bella!

Remus: There was somethin' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on--I dunno what it was, no one does--

Lily: Maybe we'll find out later. I'm sure somebody somewhere has some idea of why Harry stopped Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."

James: My son is amazing. Conquering Voldemort--

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

James: -- once and for all!
Bellatrix: HE IS NOT FINISHED! I REFUSE-- I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! HE WILL RISE AGAIN!
Nightwing: Bella, stop talking in all caps. It's hurting everybody's ears.

Remus: Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes,

James: As he ruddy well should!

Lily: *groans* Why must you be so full of yourself?

Remus: but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake.

James: Think again, Harry, you're not just a wizard, you're a hero!

Remus: A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be?

Sirius: Ah, poor Harry, how little you know. You see, when a witch and wizard love each other very much....

Remus: Stop right there, Padfoot. He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon;

Lily and James: *eyes twitch*

Remus: if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard?

Peter: Because you don't know enough magic to do that yet, that's why.

Remus: If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world,

Bellatrix: HE IS NOT DEFEATED!

James: And Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world! Not Voldemort!

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

Remus: how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?

Sirius: Simple. You need to stick up for yourself more.

Remus: "Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."

James: Well I do! You're my son, you have to be a wizard! Grow some self confidence, lad!

Lily: Just not too much. You wouldn't want to end up like your arrogant toerag of a father.

Remus: To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled. "Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"

James: *triumphantly* Ha ha, he's got him there!

Remus: Harry looked into the fire.

Lucius: And was pitched headfirst straight into it.

Remus: Now he came to think about it... every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry...

Lily: That would be because they're afraid of magic! You're a wizard for sure, Harry!

Remus: chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach...

Lily: *beams* My son can Apparate before his first year!

Remus: dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back...

Severus: So he basically traded one dreadful hairstyle for another. What's so impressive about having hair that looks like you just got off a bucking broomstick?

James: At least Harry and I wash our hair, Snivellus! Having hair that doesn't stay neat is better than having hair that's dripping in grease!

Remus: and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *laugh slightly evilly*

Lucius: Ah, that was classic.

James: My son isn't a Parselmouth, my son isn't a Parselmouth, my son isn't a Parselmouth....

Remus: Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling,

Lily: Oh, yay! He believes him!

Remus: and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him. "See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard--

James: Exactly! Not only will he be a wizard, Harry will be one of the top students at Hogwarts!

Remus: you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."

James: That's what I said!

Sirius: Actually, what you said was that he'd be a top student.

James: But top students always end up being really well known, just look at us, and besides, Harry defeated Voldemort.

Peter, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *flinch at the sound of the name*

James: The fame thing goes without saying.

Sirius: Point.

Remus: But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give in without a fight.

All: *groan*

Sirius: Vernon, will you please leave it alone?! Harry's a wizard. Harry's leaving you. Harry's going to Hogwarts. So you had better get used to the idea!

Remus: "Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed.

James: You have, but that doesn't mean anyone gives a rat's arse what you've got to say, now does it?

Remus: "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it.

Lily: No, he's not! He's going to Hogwarts, and that's what he'll be grateful for! At Hogwarts he'll finally be free from all the bullying and abuse he gets from your lot! Besides that, he'll learn magic! Any Muggle who believed in magic would die for that chance! Why would he be grateful for anything else?

Remus: I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish--spell books and wands and --"

All: THAT STUFF IS NOT RUBBISH!

Peter: You only need one wand. Why is that in the plural?

Sirius: Because Dursley's a moron, that's why.

Remus: "If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid.

James: Exactly!

Lily, Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *lean back looking smug*

Remus: "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts!

Sirius: Shouldn't be allowed!

Lily: Won't be allowed, seeing as Hagrid's got something to do with it.

Sirius: Hmm, good point.

Remus: Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born.

James: Naturally, when you consider what he's done.

Remus: He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world.

Lily, Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Hear, hear!

Lucius: At least, it was the finest before that crackpot Dumbledore took over. I'm so glad I only had to suffer his Muggle-loving madness for one year before I graduated.

Severus: *sourly* Lucky you.

Remus: Seven years there and he won't know himself.

Peter: Why not? Will he have gotten a Memory Modifying Charm put on him?

All except Peter: *choose to ignore Peter*

RemusL He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change

Lily: Yay!

Remus: an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had,

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Rubbish!

Bellatrix: Great-great-great grandfather Phineas was the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had!

Narcissa: Why couldn't we have been here when he had control? We wouldn't have filth like her-- *throws a very nasty look at Lily*-- in our school, for one thing.

Lily: *looks hurt*

Nightwing: *turns Narcissa into a donkey*

Remus: Albus Dumbled--" "I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: Oh, Merlin's pants, he's done for.

James: You never insult Dumbledore in front of Hagrid!
Lucius: Even I've never done that!

Severus: But you hate Dumbledore.

Lucius: Yes, but I don't have a death wish, which means I wouldn't be stupid enough to insult him when Hagrid's around.

Remus: But he had finally gone too far.

Lily: *sarcastically* Really?

Bellatrix: Oh, this should be good. *cackles*

Remus: Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head,

Narcissa the Donkey: Hitting himself by accident and effectively knocking himself unconscious.

Lucius: Sounds like something that overgrown moron would do.

Lily: Quiet, you two, I want to hear what happens to Vernon!

Remus: "NEVER," he thundered, "--INSULT--ALBUS--DUMBLEDORE--IN--FRONT--OF--ME!"

Sirius: Dursley is so dead!

Remus: He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley--

Severus: Punishing the child to get back at the parent. That's low, that really is.

Nightwing: *under her breath so he can't hear* Hark who's talking, you greasy git.

Remus: there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, *laughs suddenly as he reads ahead*

All except Remus: What?

Remus: Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain.

Bellatrix: YES! Muggles in pain! *cackles*

Remus: Wait, it gets better. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.

All: *burst out laughing. It's a good five minutes before Remus can calm himself enough to read and the others can calm themselves enough to listen*

Remus: Uncle Vernon roared.

Sirius: That man has honestly escaped from a zoo somewhere.

Remus: Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.

Narcissa the Donkey: And stay away!

Remus: Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard. "Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully,

James: *grinning* Oh, yes. Yes, you should have. That was bloody hilarious!

Remus: "but it didn't work anyway.

Peter: Seemed to work pretty well to me!

Remus: Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."

All: *laugh*

Lily: I suppose that's a good thing, though, Vernon and Petunia would have gone homicidal if their son had actually been turned into a pig. At least this way they can have a doctor surgically remove the tail with the right cover story.

Lucius: Does anyone have a clue what on Earth she just said?

Remus: He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows. "Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said.

Peter: Awww, why not?

Sirius: He's not actually supposed to do magic.

Peter: Why not?

Sirius: He was expelled from Hogwarts in his third year, didn't you know?

Peter: *surprised* No, I didn't. What did he do?

Sirius: No idea, he doesn't like to talk about it.

Remus: "I'm--er--not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff--one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job.

Severus: And of course meeting The Boy Who Lived had nothing to do with it, I suppose.

Lily: Well, it did say one of the reasons.

Remus: "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well--I was at Hogwarts meself but I--er--got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year.

Lucius: I think it was either monsters or bad marks. They do expell you if you fail badly enough, and Hagrid's enough of an idiot to get Ts in everything.

Remus: They snapped me wand in half an' everything.

Sirius: Not that that stops him from using it, of course. It's totally inside that umbrella.

Remus: But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."

Lily, Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Hear, hear!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa the Donkey, and Bellatrix: *at the same time* Rubbish!

Remus: "Why were you expelled?"

Lucius: He was probably trying to raise a werewolf or something and it mauled a student. "Oh, are they dangerous? I had no idea!"

Remus: *looks slightly uncomfortable and covers it by reading* "It's gettin' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly.

James: Of course he wouldn't actually tell Harry. He's never even told us, has he?

Severus: Why are you lot so convinced that everyone hero-worships you enough to tell you every single miniscule detail of their lives? Not everyone is like that, Potter, and those of us who aren't would like you to kindly shut up!

James: Sod off, Snivellus!

Remus: "Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that." He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.

Sirius: Ooh, Hagrid's stripping! *pause* Poor Harry! He shouldn't have to watch this!

Lily: Get your mind out of the gutter, Black.

Remus: "You can kip under that," he said.

Narcissa the Donkey: I would strongly advise against that. Who knows what's living in there? *pause* I've been a donkey for half the chapter and I'm sorry I called Evans filth. Can I please get changed back now?!

Nightwing: You didn't mean that apology, but sure. *turns her back*

Narcissa: Thank you.

Remus: "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."

All: Eurgh!
Narcissa: I told you there was something living in there!
Lucius: Still, knowing Hagrid, it could have been much worse.

Narcissa: True.

Remus: *puts the book back onto its pedestal* That's the end of the chapter, guys.

Severus: How long do we have to endure your rambling?

Nightwing: I don't know how in the bloody hell this happened, but once again, we're at sixty nine percent.

Lucius: Why is it always sixty nine?

Nightwing: Believe me, if I knew I'd tell you. Anywhoodles--

All except Nightwing: THAT'S NOT A WORD!

Nightwing: I really don't care! Anywhoodles, we'll give the send off to those who don't want to read this nonsense, then we get to chat and we'll get to know each other a bit better, won't that be lovely?

Severus: Not really.

Nightwing: Bite me, Snivellus. Moony, will you do the honors?

Remus: Gladly. Well, as I'm sure you've gathered, this is the end of the chapter, and from here on... well, you know the drill by now. We're done with anything of real importance, and if you want to leave now, go right ahead, especially if you don't like Severus/Lily. Go on, we'll catch you up next chapter. See you then!

Nightwing: Thank you, dear muse of mine. So, who wants to go first?

James: That depends. First in what?

Nightwing: Well, I'd like to get to know you guys a bit better (never mind the fact that I'm an Authoress and that pretty much means I know the way I write your characters like the back of my hand, but anyway), so I want you guys to describe yourselves to me! I think we'll do this Alcoholics Anonymous style. You know, "Hi, my name's blank and I'm blah blah blah." Who wants to go first?

Lucius: Why don't you? We hardly know anything about you.

Nightwing: Fair enough! Hi, I'm not telling you my real name, but you can call me by my Marauder nickname, Miss Nightwing, or by the Harry Potter character nickname I use with my friends, which is Bellatrix Lestrange.

Bellatrix: *grins* Your friends have good taste.

Nightwing: Actually, it was me who came up with it, really, by going as you for the midnight release party for the seventh book, but thanks! Anyway, I'm a proud Ravenclaw who just happens to be a bit mental and in love with Sirius, Remus, Lucius, and Bill Weasley, the last of whom you guys don't know yet. Besides Harry Potter, my other fandoms include Kingdom Hearts-- oh, Axel and his gorgeousness-- Disney, Final Fantasy Seven, Victor Hugo's the Hunchback of Notre Dame, any and all Tim Burton movies and various Broadway musicals, which explains my love of singing. Next up?

Lucius: Is that all we need to do? In that case... Hello, my name is Lucius Malfoy-- don't you dare call me Lucy-- and I'm extremely sexy.

Nightwing and Narcissa: *squee*

Lucius: *smirks, enjoying the attention* I'm a pureblood, a Slytherin, a Death Eater, and extremely proud of all three. In five months I'm getting married to the beautiful Narcissa Black.

Narcissa: *beams*