The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time...

Remus: So, if we continue our pattern, a Slytherin reads next, right, Nightwing?

Nightwing: Right you are, Moony! I say Snivellus.

Severus: *automatically* I refuse.

Nightwing: Or you could spend the whole of the next chapter as a donkey....

Severus: *growls and snatches the book* Chapter Three, The Letters from No One....

James: "From No One," my eye! They've got to be from Hogwarts!

Remus: Really, Prongs?

Peter: Yeah, really? What does it say no one?

All except Peter: *sigh in exasperation*

Lucius: *very slowly, because he's talking to an idiot* Because Hogwarts doesn't put a return address on their letters, and because none of these people know what the crest looks like, it looks to them like the letters are from no one.

Severus: Can I please start reading now?

Nightwing: Yep, go ahead, Snivelly.

Severus: *glare* The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor

James and Lily: *twitch*

Severus: earned Harry his longest-ever punishment.

Lily: Grrr..... PETUNIA, I WILL KILL YOU!!!

James: But it was Vernon who set the punishment.

Lily: I'LL KILL HIM, TOO!

Severus: By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started

Lily: *growls*

James: I thought you said the last chapter already took place somewhere in the summer, Nightwing?

Nightwing: Oh, I was just guessing on that, I have no idea where it takes place. And even if it was, it could mean that these are the next summer holidays.

Lily: YOU MEAN MY SON COULD HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN A CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR?!

Nightwing: Er... yes, possibly, but I'm really not sure.

Lily: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Severus: Lily, please calm down!

Lily: DON'T TELL ME TO BE CALM WHILE MY SON GETS ABUSED, SEVERUS!

Lucius: *to Severus* Since when are you two on first name terms?

Severus: and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane,

Remus: Well, that explains why his parents feel the need to give him so many things. He ruins them all so quickly!

And, first time out on his racing bike--

Bellatrix: Smashed it with his massive weight and tumbled out into the middle of a busy street, where he was instantly crushed to death by one of those car things.

All except Bellatrix: *don't bother to say anything because we all hate Dudley and secretly (or not-so-secretly) wish something like that would happen*

Severus: knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.

Bellatrix: Bor-- ooh, a Muggle in pain!

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *roll eyes*

Severus: Harry was glad school was over,

Sirius: Who wouldn't be?

Severus, Lily, and Remus: Us!

Sirius: *points to Severus* You're a freak. *points to Lily* You're rather hopelessly obsessed with school. *points to Remus* And you're... well... you.

Severus: but there was no escaping Dudley's gang,

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *groan*

Severus: who visited the house every single day.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Poor Harry.

Severus: Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon . . .

Lucius: More horrible Muggle names.

Nightwing: Need I remind you that one of the Slytherins has a Muggle name?

Lucius: *visibly irritated* No. No, you needn't.

Severus: were all big and stupid,

Narcissa: Well, that's rather obvious. They hang around Dudley, don't they?

Severus: but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot,

Remus: Bit of an understatement, that.

Severus: he was the leader. So, Potter, are you the leader of your gang because you're the stupidest of the lot? Makes sense.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: James is not stupid!

Severus: He needs three mates behind him before he can hex me, and when was the last time he got higher than an A in History of Magic?

James: When was the last time anyone besides you and Remus could even pay attention in History of Magic?

Severus: Potter, you can't do anything without your little followers, and you know it.

James: Watch me!

Remus: Snape, stop trying to kill James, you can't do anything. The Authoress wants you to read, so read. Now.

Severus: Don't tell me what to do, Lupin. The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favorite sport:

Bellatrix: Muggle baiting-- oh, wait, he is a Muggle. *grimaces*

Peter: I say it's cricket. It's gotta be cricket.

All except Peter: *give him weird looks*

Remus: Why cricket?

Sirius: What is cricket?

Peter: I don't know... actually, I do, but the Authoress doesn't and she doesn't want me to look too smart, so for the sake of the MST neither do I.

Severus: Right... Harry Hunting.

Lily: *stands up abruptly* HOW DARE THEY?! HARRY HUNTING?!

Bellatrix: Yes, Harry Hunting! Official sport of Death Eaters everywhere!

Lucius: What do we do when Harry Hunting?

Bellatrix: Try to bring back the Boy Who Lived's head as vengeance for what he did to our Dark Lord, of course! And the more pain you cause him, the better!

Lily: STOP TRYING TO KILL MY SON, YOU HORRIBLE-- YOU EVIL--

Nightwing: Lily, for the love of JKR, stop yelling!

Severus: This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house,

Lily: *sits back down, smiling a bit* Good thing to know he's intelligent enough to stay out of their way. Must be one of my genes.

Severus: Well, he sure didn't get it from his father, that's for sure.

Lily: *beams at him*

James: *sulks*

Severus: wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays,

Sirius: Are you sure this kid is yours, Prongs?

James: I was until I got to this school nonsense. And he doesn't even go to Hogwarts!

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *look at each other* Yet!

Severus: where he could see a tiny ray of hope.

Peter: Welcome to Hogwarts, Harry!

Severus: When September came he would be going off to secondary school

James: Forget secondary school, you're going to wizard school!

Lucius: Unless he's a Squib.

James: Don't even joke, Malfoy. My son is not a Squib.

Severus: and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley.

All (even the Slytherins!): Thank God!

Severus: Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings.

Lily: Good for him. Why do we care?

Severus: Piers Polkiss was going there too.

Remus: Still completely irrelevant... I have a feeling they'll do this a lot.

Nightwing: Half the time, the irrelevant stuff actually ends up being important later on. This stuff, though, is in the half that doesn't.

Narcissa: So what was the point in telling us that?

Severus: Harry, on the other hand, was going to

James: His mum and dad's alma mater!

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Nightwing: *singing to different tunes* Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts, teach us something please! Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees! Our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full of air, dead flies, and bits of fluff. So teach us things worth knowing, bring back what we forgot. Just do your best, we'll do the rest, and learn until our brains all rot!
Nightwing: Interesting fact for my dearest, darlingest readers: While writing this, I actually remembered the entire school song off the top of my head. How much of a geek am I?

Severus: Apparently not enough of one to know that darlingest isn't a word... Stonewall High, the local public school.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *none louder than Lily, except maybe James* WHAT?!

Lucius: *grins evilly* Looks like he's a Squib after all!

James: He's not-- he can't be-- he just hasn't gotten his letter yet! Sod off, Malfoy!

Sirius: Dudley thought this was very funny.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: So do we! *laugh evilly*

James and Lily: *death glares*

Severus: "They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry.

Lily: They stuff... they WHAT?! Harry, you had better get your letter soon, or there will be an extremely angry ghost haunting that school of yours!

James: Make that two!

Severus: "Want to come upstairs and practice?"

Lily: *through gritted teeth* He bloody well does not!

Severus: "No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it--it might be sick."

All: *laugh*

Sirius: Prongs?

James: Yes, Padfoot?

Sirius: I think I love your son.

James: Join the club, we've got jackets.

Nightwing: *summons jackets that say "I Love Harry Potter" for Lily, James, and Sirius*

James: Hey, we really do have jackets!

Lily, James, and Sirius: *proudly wear the jackets over their robes*

Severus: Then he ran,

James: The obviously sensible thing to do. This boy's a Marauder in training!
Sirius: Welcome to the fold, Harry! Or, should we say, Prongs, Jr.

Remus: Can't we be a bit more creative?

Sirius: Mini-Prongs?

Remus: *shakes his head* More creative.

Sirius: Prongslet?

James: Prongslet? Sirius, come on, that's just awful!

Sirius: *grinning* Prongslet it is, then!

Severus: before Dudley could work out what he'd said.

Narcissa: Which means he'd have had about a month, knowing his brain capacity.

Severus: One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to

Remus: Get euthanized, as he had finally realized that no one wanted him alive any longer.

Sirius: Remus! You've gone to the Dark Side!

Remus: I can't help it, I'm really starting to hate these Muggles. *noticing the looks on Lily's and Nightwing's faces* Not all Muggles! Just this lot, because they're horrible to James and Lily's son!

Lily: Oh. You're forgiven, then.

Severus: buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual.

Lily: Excellent! My Harry's happy. *beams*

Severus: It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats,

Sirius: I knew cats were evil!

Severus: and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before.

Sirius and Remus: Good.

Severus: She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.

All except Peter: EWW!!!

Peter: Mmm, chocolate cake....

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Bellatrix: Sometimes I wonder about him....

Sirius: Oh, trust me, you're not the only one... wait. Did I just agree with Bella?

Severus: That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform.

Narcissa: Ugh, do we even want to know?

Severus: *reads ahead, a rather unpleasant smirk on his face* Oh, yes. Yes, you want to know.

Lucius: *also smirking* Then read on, Severus.

Severus: Smeltings' boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters.

All: *silence, as they try to imagine having to walk around in that* *burst out laughing as they finally get the image of Dudley having to walk around in that*

James: *wiping tears of laughter from his eyes* I never thought I'd appreciate the Hogwarts uniform so much!

Severus: They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life.

Sirius: Hmm, novel idea. Try this: at Hogwarts, we carry tiny sticks called wands, which we use for cursing Slytherins halfway to oblivion even if teachers are looking. This really is good training for later life.

Bellatrix: Unless you are a Slytherin, in which case we hex Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs. But mostly Gryffindors. It's excellent training for later life.

Severus: As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life.

Narcissa: What is wrong with them?

Lucius: One of two things. Either they're blind or they're extremely stupid.

Narcissa: My bet's on extremely stupid.

Severus: Aunt Petunia burst into tears

Remus: Because her son looked so absolutely ridiculous she couldn't do anything else.

Severus: and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown-up.

Lucius: *pause* Okay, my respect for these people has just dropped. A lot.

Bellatrix: Meaning you had any to begin with? Lucius, they're Muggles!

Lucius: Good point.

Severus: Harry didn't trust himself to speak.

James: *chortling* Oh, trust me, Harry, they could do with hearing anything you have to say about this.

Severus: He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked

Lily: DON'T BEAT MY SON!!!

James: Lily, it didn't say it was because they beat him.

Lily: *darkly* Yet.

Severus: from trying not to laugh.

Sirius: *snickering* I know the feeling.

Severus: There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast.

Sirius: Uh-oh, all the Dursleys are in one place. Run for it, Harry!

Severus: It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink.

Peter: But the sink is a large metal tub!

Severus: Pettigrew, we've already established that the Dursley's stupidity is only rivaled by your own. We don't need reminding of it.

Peter: *whines* Nightwing, he's being mean to me! Turn him into a donkey!

Nightwing: Nope.

Peter: Why not?

Nightwing: I don't hex people when they're right.

Severus: *smirks* He went to have a look.

James: No! Turn back, Harry, you don't know what's in there!

Remus: Neither do you. And they're Muggles, it's not like whatever's in there is dangerous in our sense.

James: Point.

Severus: The tub was full of what looked like

Sirius: Muffins. *shudder*

Lily: *rolls her eyes* And here I thought we were over that....

Remus: Oh, he's been on about that since first year, he'll never get over it.

Severus: dirty rags swimming in gray water.

Peter: Umm... why?

Sirius: What's wrong with you? Don't you know that dirty rags always swim in gray water? It's their natural habitat, a fact of life, like the sky is blue or the grass is green!

Peter: No, I didn't know that. I've never seen dirty rags swim in--

Sirius: Wormtail, I was kidding.

Severus: "What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia.

Nightwing: *singing* What's this? What's this? There's color everywhere! What's this? There's white things in the air! What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming, wake up Jack, this isn't fair! What's this?

Bellatrix: Do you ever stop singing?

Nightwing: Nope!

Severus: Her lips tightened as they always did if

Sirius: She tightened them, because that's what happens when you tighten something. It tightens, and does not become looser. In conclusion, she tightened her lips.

Remus: Thank you for that wonderful insight on tightening, Padfoot.

Sirius: Any time, Moony, old chap!

Severus: he dared to ask a question.

James: God, I hate that rule of hers.

Severus: "Your new school uniform," she said.

James: What? That's worse than Dudley's! You can't make my son wear gray rags!

Lily: He's supposed to wear black robes! He's supposed to go to Hogwarts!
Lucius: I thought we'd already established that he's a Squib.

Severus: Harry looked in the bowl again.

Bellatrix: And immediately wished he hadn't, because the contents suddenly jumped out and ate him.

Severus: "Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet." Well, Potter, it looks like he does take after you for his intelligence. "I didn't realize it had to be so wet," you must be so proud.

James: *face turns red* Shove it, Snivellus.

Severus: *smirks* "Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia.

Lucius: He can't help it, he's Potter's son.

Lily: *coldly* Excuse me, he's my son, too.

Lucius: You're a Mudblood. All the more reason for him to be stupid.

Lily: *slaps him*

Severus: "I'm dyeing

All except Severus and Nightwing: YES! DIE!

Severus: *annoyed* The other spelling of dyeing. some of Dudley's old things gray for you.

Narcissa: Aren't they ugly enough?

Severus: It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."

James: As if, most of those kids will have clothes that actually fit them.

Severus: Harry seriously

Sirius: You called?

All except Sirius: *roll eyes*

Severus: doubted this, but thought it best not to argue.

James: Argue with her, son, you don't deserve this! Speak your mind!

Lily: You know, maybe it's a good thing he never met you.

Severus: He sat down at the table and tried not to think about

Sirius: Sex.

James: Padfoot, he's eleven!

Sirius: So?

Severus: how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High--

Remus: Don't think about it, lad, you won't be at your first day at Stonewall High. You'll be at Hogwarts!

Lucius: Squib.

Lily and James: HE--IS--NOT--A--SQUIB!

Severus: like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.

Lily: My poor baby! *sob*

James: It's better than-- what was it?-- "maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters."

Lily: *brightening* This is true.

Severus: Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in,

All: *groan*

Severus: both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's

Sirius: Arse.

Severus: new uniform.

Sirius: I was close.

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Severus: Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual

Narcissa: Good for him. Why is everything in this book so irrelevant?!

Severus: and Dudley banged his

Sirius: Father.

All except Sirius: SIRIUS!!! *or* BLACK!!!

Sirius: *grinning* You guys missed my sex jokes last chapter, didn't you?

Nightwing: No, not really, seeing as you made more of them than you actually read.

Severus: Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere,

James: Figures the little git would carry his weapon around everywhere. I'm sure he hits Harry with it at every given chance.

Severus: *bitterly* That would be like someone carrying his wand around constantly so he could hex a specific student every time he so much as passed him in the hall, wouldn't it? on the table. They heard the click of

Sirius: A gun.

Severus: the mail slot and flop of

Sirius: A dead body hitting the ground.

Nightwing: If it's not the sex jokes, you just have to be as violent as the Slytherins, don't you?

Sirius: You can't say I'm boring!

Nightwing: This is true.

Severus: letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.

Bellatrix: *all in her baby voice* Are we sure the wittle baby can manage getting the mail? I mean, it involves walking to the mail, bending over, moving your fingers to pick it up, straightening up, and walking all the way back!

Sirius: Stop it!

Severus: "Make Harry get it."

Lily: Get it yourself!

Severus: "Get the mail, Harry."

James and Lily: No!

Lucius: He would have been quite spoiled if he had lived with you two, wouldn't he?

James: Any son of yours would be even worse, Malfoy.

Nightwing: *smirks to herself, knowing James is right*

Severus: "Make Dudley get it."

James: Finally! He stands up for himself!

Severus: "Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."

Remus: You know, something tells me that was the whole point of having this conversation in the first place.

Severus: Harry dodged the Smelting stick

James: Yes! He got my Quidditch reflexes!

Lily: You know, for once, I'm thankful for him getting one of your genes. Though there are far too many for my taste.

James: How did she just manage to both compliment and insult me at the same time?

Severus: and went to get the mail.

Sirius: *shaking his head* He should have argued more.

Remus: That would probably only have gotten him shut in his cupboard.

Severus: Three things lay on the doormat:

Remus: Three death threats containing wishes to take Harry away from this rat hole, sent by Messers. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew, respectively.

Sirius: Or maybe they were a dead body, a muffin, and a very large pile of dog crap.

Severus: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge,

Lucius: She's been mentioned more than once. She must be important.

Nightwing: Not really, but you do get to meet her in book three. Charming woman, you guys will love her. Especially James and Lily.

James: Why do I have a really bad feeling you were being sarcastic?

Nightwing: Probably because I was. She's awful.

Severus: who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown

Sirius: Pile that looked like dog crap, with a note that read, "From Snuffles."

Remus: You're never going to give up thinking Snuffles is a good name for a dog, are you?

Sirius: It is!

Lily: Why do I feel like I'm missing something here?

Severus: envelope that looked like a bill,

Sirius: My way was better.

Severus: and--a letter for Harry.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *cheer*

James: His Hogwarts letter!

Remus: Or it could be from one of us, telling him we'll take him away.

James: Either way, I'm happy.

Severus: Harry picked it up and stared at it,

Sirius: Don't stare at it, open it!

Severus: his heart twanging like a giant elastic band.

Peter: *winces* Ouch. That can't be good for him.

Bellatrix: Pettigrew, it's an expression!

Severus: No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him.

James: *gives Sirius, Remus, and Peter a very evil look*

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *wince, and each one has the classic anime sweatdrop face*

Severus: Who would?

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: We would!

James: But apparently you didn't.

Sirius: But we would!

Severus: He had no friends,

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: We're your friends, Harry!

Nightwing: *singing in a British accent* I'm your friend, too, Mr. Todd. If you only knew, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd, you're warm in my hand!

Bellatrix: Stop singing!

Severus: no other relatives--

Remus: Do three godfathers count as relatives?

Sirius: I'm sure we do, even if we aren't technically related

Severus: he didn't belong to the library,

Narcissa: STOP BEING IRRELEVANT!

Severus: so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back.

Lucius: He wants rude notes asking for books back? Potter, your son is mental!

Severus: Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake:

Mr. H. Potter

The Cupboard under the Stairs

4 Privet Drive

Little Whinging

Surrey

Remus: *chuckles* I love how specific Hogwarts is on their letters. "The Cupboard under the Stairs..." "The Bedroom with the Cage in it...."

Lucius: Why do you have a cage in your bedroom?

Remus: *turns slightly pink* I'm not likely to tell you, am I, Malfoy?

Severus: The envelope was thick and heavy,

Remus: Hogwarts letters always are. You'd think they'd write them on lighter paper to make it easier on the owl, but noooo....

Severus: made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink.

Sirius: You know, considering they try so hard to show Inter-House Unity, you'd think they'd write in a different color.

Lucius: Nah, it just means they've realized which the best House is.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *grin*

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Gits....

Severus: There was no stamp.

Bellatrix: What's a stamp?

Nightwing: It's how Muggles pay for sending their mail. You guys don't need to use them because you can just send any money you need for postage to send by owl.

Severus: Turning the envelope over,

Remus: Don't turn it over! OPEN IT!

Severus: his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion,

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Go Gryffindor!

Severus: an eagle,

Nightwing: W00t w00t! *waves little Ravenclaw flag*

Severus: a badger, and a snake

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *grin evilly*

Severus: surrounding a large letter H.

Peter: *singing* Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts....

Severus: "Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen.

Lily: He'll take his sweet time if he wants to, and you won't do anything about it!

Severus: "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?"

Lucius: What are letter bombs?

Remus: Things that explode when sent by mail. I've actually got a better explanation, but our dear Authoress is too lazy to think of one.

Sirius: She's sick at the moment she's writing this, Moony, leave her alone.

Nightwing: Thanks, Padfoot. *beams*

Severus: He chuckled at his own joke.

Sirius: When you laugh at your own joke but you're the only one, that means it was a bad joke.

Remus: And yet you still do it.

Sirius: Yep-- hey! My jokes aren't bad!

Severus: Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter.

Remus: Open the bloody letter in the bloody hall. Merlin's beard, this boy really is stupid!

Lily: *gives him a very nasty look*

Severus: He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: FINALLY!

Severus: Uncle Vernon ripped open

Sirius: His shirt, jumped on the table, and started doing an extremely drunken striptease to the song "I'm Too Sexy."

Severus: the bill,

Sirius: *sighs in defeat* Why must this book be so boring?

Severus: snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard. "Marge's ill,"

Bellatrix: Yes! Muggles in pain and misery!

Severus: he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk...."

Peter: A funny what?

Remus: A funny whelk. It's a type of shellfish.

Peter: Oh. Was it wearing a red nose and clown shoes?

Nightwing: Didn't you use the exact same line last chapter?

Peter: I like that line.

Severus: "Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *groan*

Remus: You should have opened it in the hall like your second godfather told you to.

Severus: Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter,

Remus: It's just a bit late now, they're going to take it!

Severus: which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope,

Remus: The Wizarding world is honestly going through some kind of a paper shortage.

Severus: when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: Give it back, you slimy, fat--

Severus: "That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.

James: You tell him, Harry!

Severus: "Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon,

Peter: We would!
Lily: Hogwarts would. And by the look of it, they did, eh, Vernon?

Severus: shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it.

James: Don't you look at it, you son of a basilisk, that's my son's letter!

Severus: His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge.

Remus: And considering it's usually purple, he really could give a chameleon a run for its money about now.

Sirius: I didn't know Muggles could do Color Changing Charms!

Severus: "P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.

Narcissa: Could he possibly be a little more melodramatic?

Severus: Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it,

James: Get your hands off of it!

Severus: but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach.

James: I never thought I'd actually be glad for something he did.

Remus: Although Vernon wouldn't have it at all if your prat of a son had had the sense to read the bloody letter in the hall!

Severus: Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line.

Lily: Oh, this should be good.

Severus: For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise. "Vernon! Oh my goodness--Vernon!"

Narcissa: I'm sorry, did I say Vernon was being absurdly melodramatic?

Sirius: Don't hurt yourself, Cissa.

Narcissa: As if you're one to think I'm using words that are too big! I doubt you even knew what I said!

Severus: They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room.

Peter: Isn't it normal for them to forget Harry's in a room?

Remus: Yes, but not Dudley.

Severus: Dudley wasn't used to being ignored.

Lily: *sarcastically* How sad for him.

Severus: He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.

Remus: Really now, don't hit your parents.

Bellatrix: I did it all the time as a child, and I turned out fine.

Sirius: No, you didn't.

Bellatrix: By any respectable standards, yes, I did.

Severus: "I want to read that letter," he said loudly.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Too bloody bad, it's not yours!

Severus: "I want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."

James: You should be allowed to read it. These excuses for people shouldn't be stopping the only mail you've ever gotten!

Remus: He should have opened it in the hall!

Narcissa: Will you shut up about the hall, Lupin? It's over, it's done with, leave it alone!

Nightwing: *turns her into a donkey* Stop being rude to my muses!

Sirius: Although that really was starting to get a bit annoying.

Nightwing: *flicks a fireball at Sirius* Even though you're my other muse, you're not allowed to be rude to Remus, either

Severus: I find it interesting how we Slytherins get turned into donkeys when we mildly annoy you, but the Gryffindors-- with the exception of Pettigrew-- get off with tiny fireballs.

Nightwing: Simple! I punish the ones I don't like more harshly than the ones I do!

Severus: Authoresses.... "Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.

James: Dudley can leave, but give Harry back his letter! It's his bloody letter!

Severus: Harry didn't move.

James: *grins* Way to rebel, Harry!

Severus: "I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.

Lucius: Could this boy possibly be a bit more immature?

James: Shut up, Malfoy, he's only eleven years old. Besides, any son of yours is bound to be more of a spoiled brat than Dudley or a sniveling coward.

Nightwing: *quietly, so they won't hear me* Both, actually....

Severus: "Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.

Lily and James: NO!

Severus: "OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon,

Peter: Has he actually just said anything through the entire book so far?

Severus: and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks

Sirius: Like puppies! I love puppies!

Severus: and threw them into the hall,

Narcissa the Donkey: He must be strong if he can throw Dudley. *pause* Oh my God, I smell like a donkey! *sob*

Nightwing: *rolls eyes, but has mercy on her and turns her back*

Severus: slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won,

James: Figures.

Severus: so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.

James: Hah, my son's resourceful! I love this kid!

Lucius: Last I checked, Potter, resourcefulness was a Slytherin trait. As was Parseltongue....

James: Shut it, Malfoy, my son will not be in Slytherin. He's a Potter, we have standards.

Lucius: Hmm, when you put it that way, as does our House.

James: *glare*

Severus: "Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address--how could they possibly know where he sleeps?

Remus: Because it's Dumbledore, he knows everything.

Severus: You don't think they're watching the house?"

Lucius: These people don't know about Tracking Spells, do they?

Severus: "Watching--spying--might be following us," muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.

Lucius: I'll take that as a no.

Sirius: Well, duh, they're Muggles.

Severus: "But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want--"

Bellatrix: That would be the sensible way to deter them, which probably means it's not what they end up doing.

Severus: Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny

Sirius and Nightwing: HOORAY FOR SHINY THINGS!

All except Sirius and Nightwing: *give them weird looks*

Bellatrix: You two are nutjobs.

Nightwing: Why thank you!

Severus: black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen. "No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer...Yes, that's best...we won't do anything....

Bellatrix: Oh, bring out the Bertie Botts Beans, this is gonna be good. *cackles*

Nightwing: *beams and summons a bag Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans for everyone*

Bellatrix: I didn't mean it literally, but... thanks, I guess.

Severus: "But --" "I'm not having one in the house, Petunia!

Peter: One what?

James: Chicken.

Peter: *gasps happily at the revival of this joke* Monkey!

Sirius: Muffin. *shudders*

Remus: Oh, dear Lord, not this again....

Severus: Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?"

Sirius: Magic isn't dangerous nonsense!
Remus: It's the use it's put to sometimes that you have to watch.

Sirius and James: *glance at each other, then laugh evilly*

Remus: I rest my case.

Severus: That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before;

Sirius: He stopped being a horrible git.

James: He thought about something other than drills and abusing my son.

Remus: He decided to enroll in a weight-loss program.

Bellatrix: He violently murdered his wife, son, and nephew before plunging the knife deep into his own heart! *cackles psychotically*

All except Bellatrix: *edge away from Bellatrix*

Severus: he visited Harry in his cupboard.

Sirius, James, and Remus: *sigh in disappointment*

Bellatrix: Boring.

Severus: "Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door.

James: And so help you, Vernon, if it's not right there in your hand to be given to Harry.

Peter: What exactly are the odds on that?

Lily: Not good.

James: I can hope, can't I?

Severus: "Who's writing to me?"

Peter: *singing* Hogwarts, Hogwarts--

Narcissa: Don't even start.

Severus: "No one.

Remus: Which, funnily enough, is the title of the chapter. "The Letters from No One."

Severus: it was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly.

James: *stands up angrily* By mistake my wand! He's the Boy Who Lived, for God's sake! If his name hasn't been down for Hogwarts since he was born, I'll kiss a dementor!

Severus: "I have burned it."

Lily: You did WHAT?!

Nightwing: Hee hee, burning things... fire... *gets a really, really creepy look in her eye*

All except Nightwing: *edge away in fear of her pyromania and Authoress powers, because they know that that could potentially be a really, really bad combination*

Severus: "It was not a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."

James: You tell him, Harry!

Severus: "SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling.

Narcissa: Eurgh. *winces*

Remus: Narcissa's afraid of spiders?

Sirius: *nods*

Nightwing: She's not the only one. *shudders*

Severus: He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.

All: Good.

Severus: "Er--yes, Harry--about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking...

Lucius: First time for everything.

Severus: you're really getting a bit big for it...

Lily: He's been a bit big for it ever since you put him in there!

Severus: we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom.

Lily: Second bedroom? SECOND bedroom? DUDLEY HAS TWO BEDROOMS AND HARRY'S IN THE BLOODY CUPBOARD?!?!?!?!?

All except Lily: *wince*

Nightwing: And here I thought we were past all the yelling....

James: Lily, it's all right. He's out of the cupboard now, everything's going to be fine. *smiles at her*

Lily: *smiles weakly back* Yay.

Severus: "Why?" said Harry.

James: Don't ask, just go up to the bedroom! You're free from the cupboard! Rejoice!

Severus: "Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle.

James: I never thought I'd agree with that rule.

Severus: "Take this stuff upstairs, now." The Dursleys' house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia,

Sirius: Where very interesting things happened nightly. Hee hee.

All except Sirius: *roll eyes*

Severus: one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge),

Lily: Where Harry could have easily slept instead of being shoved in the cupboard....

Severus: one where Dudley slept,

Lily: *hisses*

James: Well, that was an interesting noise....

Severus: and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom.

Lily: WHICH IS WHERE HARRY SHOULD HAVE SLEPT FROM THE BEGINNING!!!!

Sirius: Stop speaking in all caps, Lily. The Authoress doesn't like it, and besides, it really isn't necessary any more.

Lily: Hmph.

Severus: It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room.

Remus: Says something about how much he owns, doesn't it?

Lily: *eye twitches*

Severus: He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken.

Lucius: Why am I not surprised?

Severus: The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank

Sirius: What's a tank?

Remus: Muggle war machine. Dudley must have a toy one.

Severus: Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbor's dog;

Sirius: OI! Cruelty to animals! What did the poor dog do to you?!

Lucius: He really likes dogs, doesn't he?

Nightwing: It's not that unusual, I really, really love dogs, too!

Lucius: Yes, but you're a girl. When a boy shows this much love for something, something must be up.

Nightwing: Says who?

Lucius: Says me.

Nightwing: *rolls eyes, knowing that's not grounds to prove anything*

Severus: in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favorite program had been canceled;

Lily: And how much did that accomplish, hmm?

Severus: there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle,

Peter: I'm sure the bird was grateful.

Remus: *nods in agreement* I'm a bit worried about the boy who seems to make a hobby of hitting his cousin having a weapon, though.

Severus: which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it.

Remus: Figures he broke it. Ah well, now he can't hurt Harry with it.

Severus: Other shelves were full of books.

Lily: It looks like he has one good hobby, at least.

Severus: They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been

touched.

All: It figures.

Bellatrix: I'd be surprised if he even knew how to read.

Severus: From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother,

Narcissa: Oh, grow up!

Severus: "I don't want him in there...I need that room...make him get out...."

Lily: You do, and ooh, you'll be sorry!

Severus: Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed.

Sirius: Anybody in there with you, Harry?

James: *grins* Are you volunteering, Padfoot?

Sirius: *a bit annoyed* No, I'm just wondering. Only you would turn my own sex joke against me.

James: You deserved it.

Severus: Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.

Remus: You should have opened it in the hall, shouldn't you? That would have been the smart thing to do!

Narcissa: *opens her mouth to say something*

Lucius: Don't, Cissa. It'll just make her mad. *nods at Nightwing*

Narcissa: *has the good sense to listen to him*

Severus: Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet.

Bellatrix: Good, we don't have to listen to the Muggles talking.

Severus: Never mind the fact that it's actually me talking.... Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof,

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: ANIMAL ABUSE!

Severus: and he still didn't have his room back.

Sirius: Well, duh! Merlin's beard, why would doing all that get anyone their way? If I'd tried that, my mother would have killed me, and I'm not joking!

Bellatrix: *grinning* It would have worked for us. Well, not Andromeda, but Cissa and I!

Sirius: That's because you two are horrible suck-ups and you make them happy by showing the Black immorality.

Bellatrix: Hating Muggles and Mudbloods isn't immorality, it's respect for our pure wizarding lineage! You should try it some time.

Nightwing: GUYS! Why can't you two go a chapter without fighting? Read, Snivellus.

Severus: *glares* Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall.

Remus: It's a little late for that now, isn't it?!

Severus: Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly. When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry,

All: *go into shock*

Lily: Okay... who is this guy and what has he done with my brother-in-law?

Severus: made Dudley go and get it.

Bellatrix: Good, he needs the exercise.

Severus: They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall.

Sirius: Oh, just get the mail and stop making such a big deal out of it!

Severus: Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive --'"

Remus: They're still being ridiculously specific.

Sirius: You know, that sounds a lot like the address on my letter. "Mr. S. Black, the Smallest Bedroom, 12 Grimmauld Place, London." Interesting.

James: Why are you in the smallest bedroom at your house when there are so many to choose from?

Sirius: Because my parents hate me, that's why.

Bellatrix: Nice to know Auntie's got a brain in her head.

Sirius: *glares at her*

Severus: With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: GO HARRY!

Severus: Uncle Vernon had to wrestle

James: A chicken.

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin. *shudders*

Remus: *gives up, and decides "if you can't beat them, join them"* An alligator.

Lily: I can't believe that joke's made it three chapters....

Severus: Dudley

Peter: I was close.

All except Peter: *give him weird looks*

Severus: to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind.

Lily: STRANGLE HIM, HARRY!!!!

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*

Severus: After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone

Sirius: Died.

James: Oi, my son's in that fight!

Sirius: Right then, how's this? In which everyone died except Harry. Better?

James: Much better.

Severus: got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's

Sirius: P--

Remus: Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Sirius: *sulks*

Severus: letter clutched in his hand.

All: *groan in disappointment*

Severus: "Go to your cupboard--

James: No! He's well shut of that cupboard, thank you very much!

Severus: I mean, your bedroom," he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley--go--just go."

Sirius: To Uzbekistan.

Peter: What?

Sirius: I dunno, it's somewhere in the Middle East.

Severus: Harry walked round and round his new room.

James: Careful, son, you might wear a hole in the floor.

Lucius: Speaking from experience, Potter?

James: ... no comment.

Severus: Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter.

Remus: Yeah, it's Dumbledore. He knows everything.

Severus: Surely that meant they'd try again.

Remus: Amazing.

James: What is?

Remus: That Harry developed any common sense in that house.

Severus: And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.

Sirius: Spoken like a true Marauder's son!

Severus: The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning.

Nightwing: *hums the Pink Panther theme and keeps going over Severus's reading*

Severus: Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys.

Lily: They're so much more pleasant when they're asleep.

Severus: I thought you used to get along with your sister.

Lily: Keyword being used to. Before I got my letter and she started being horrible to me and transferring that to my son.

Severus: Ah. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.

Peter: How do you steal a whole downstairs in the dark? Wait, scratch that. How do you steal a whole downstairs?

Remus: There's another definition of stole, Peter.

Peter: There is?

Remus: *annoyed at his friend's stupidity but trying not to show it* Yes, it can also mean crept or snuck.

Severus: He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.

James: Hah! My son is brilliant!

Sirius: Go Prongslet! Go Prongslet!

Severus: His heart hammered

Peter: Ouch.

Severus: as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door--Harry leapt into the air; he'd

Narcissa: Just been struck by lightning

Bellatrix: Been hit by a Cruciatus Curse. *grins evilly*

Lucius: Heard growling and seen a chimaera blocking the way to the mail slot.

Nightwing: *stops humming the Pink Panther theme* Enough with the chimaeras!

Severus: trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat--something alive!

Lucius: A chimaera! Finally!

Nightwing: *sigh* I give up.

Severus: Lights clicked on upstairs

Remus: Well, that defeats the purpose of being stealthy.

Severus: and to his horror Harry realized that the big, squashy something had been his

Lucius: Imminent doom as the chimaera ate him.

Severus: uncle's face.

All: *wince*

James: Not good.

Severus: Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do.

James: Filch does that quite a lot.

Peter: Lies at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag?

James: No, tries to make sure we don't do exactly what we're trying to do.

Remus: I think it just seems that way, Prongs.

James: Yeah? My owl's feathers were ruffled for weeks after he attacked her to get rid of the Dungbombs I'd ordered.

Nightwing: Oh, that poor owl!

Severus: He shouted at Harry for about half an hour

Lily: Poor Harry!

Severus: and then told him to go and make a cup of tea.

Lily: Make your own bloody tea! Does my son look like a house-elf to you?

Bellatrix: Well, considering he looks like Potter, he'd be about the same size as one.

James: *turns red* Shut up.

Severus: Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap.

All: *groan*

Sirius: Well, you can't say he didn't give it a good try.

James: *nods in agreement* A definite O for effort.

Severus: Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.

Narcissa: Why would they send him three letters?

Lucius: Probably in case the fat Muggle got a hold of one of them. Still, seeing as he obviously gets all three, the effort was wasted.

Severus: I want --"

James: A chicken.

Remus: Oh, for the love of God....

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin. *shudders, then pauses* Why would you want a muffin? They're so... so... evil.... *shudders*

Severus: he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.

Peter: Reparo!

Severus: Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day.

Narcissa: Won't he miss his precious drills?

Severus: He stayed at home

Remus: Yes, we realized that when it said he didn't go to work.

James: I dunno, Moony, he could have gone somewhere else. He didn't go to work the day he took his son to the zoo for his birthday, did he?

Remus: This is true.

Severus: and nailed up the mail slot.

Lucius: *in a tone that says Vernon has completely lost it* All right, then....

Severus: "See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails,

Bellatrix: I can think of better places for those nails. *evil grin*

Sirius: *glares at her* So can I. Up your--

Severus: *interrupts with the reading* "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up."

Narcissa: That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard!

Bellatrix: This is a Muggle we're talking about. You were expecting anything more?

Severus:"I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon."

Lily: At least Petunia's showing some common sense.

Severus: "Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia,

Sirius and James: *proudly* Yes, they do!

Remus: I think that's just you two.

Severus: they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon,

Lucius: No, we're not, and we're quite glad of that fact.

Severus: trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.

Lucius: I rest my case.

Sirius: He's trying to knock in a nail with himself?

Remus: More importantly, how did they find fruitcake in summer?

Peter: Even I wouldn't eat it! It would be so stale....

James: Fruitcake starts out stale.

Severus: On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry.

Remus: Now they're getting persistent. *grins* This will be fun.

Severus: As they couldn't go through the mail slot they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.

James: You'd think they'd figure out that they're not going to give up until Harry reads one.

Lily: My sister? Be serious.

Sirius: *whines like a dog* He can't be Sirius! I'm Sirius!

James: *whacks him* Bad dog. No lame puns.

Sirius: *whines again*

Severus: Uncle Vernon stayed at home again.

Peter: Aren't we done with him yet?

Nightwing: Not for another two chapters, I'm afraid.

Severus: After burning all the letters,

Nightwing: Hee hee hee... *gets that creepy pyromaniac look in her eyes again*

All except Nightwing: *edge away*

Severus: he got out a hammer and nails

Narcissa: But no drill?

Severus: and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out.

Bellatrix: Exactly what would that achieve?

Lucius: Absolutely nothing other than confirming this guy's insanity.

Severus: He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as he worked,

Lily: I love that song!

Severus: and jumped at small noises.

Sirius: This guy is....

Peter: Really weird?

James: More paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody?

Remus: Completely stark raving mad?

Sirius: Yes to the Wormtail, yes to the Prongs, and absolutely yes to the Moony.

Severus: On Saturday, things began to get out of hand.

Lucius: Considering he felt the need to board up the doors, I'd say they'd already gotten quite a bit out of hand.

Severus: Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs

Lily: What happened to the original contents of those eggs?

Bellatrix: It's called Transfiguration, you stupid Mudblood, have you learned nothing from all the years you've been stealing magical knowledge from those of us who deserve to learn it?

Lily: *bites her lip, refusing to say anything to that*

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *glare at Bellatrix*

Severus: that their very confused milkman

Nightwing: You know, maybe it's because I'm American, but I didn't know the milkman delivered eggs. I thought he only delivered milk.

Lucius: Everyone knows the milkman delivers eggs.

Narcissa: But Lucius, we don't use milkmen, we just conjure things into our homes.

Lucius: I know, Cissa, I'm just trying to show up our dear Authoress. *smirk*

Nightwing: *turns him into a donkey*

Lucius the Donkey: *groans in frustration*

Nightwing: Oh, please, you didn't honestly think I wasn't going to punish you for that?

Severus: had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window.

Peter: Wouldn't it have made more sense to hand them through the kitchen window?

Severus: While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office

Bellatrix: The what?

Lily: That's where Muggle post comes from.

Bellatrix: So how would calling them help with letters coming from Hogwarts?

Nightwing: It wouldn't. The Dursleys really aren't the brightest sparks in the wand, in case you haven't noticed.

Severus: and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to,

Remus: He does like to complain, doesn't he?

Severus: Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.

Lily: *before one of the purebloods can ask* It cuts food-- and, apparently, letters-- into small enough pieces to cook with.

Peter: She's going to cook with the letters?

Severus: "Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly?" Dudley asked Harry in amazement.

James: Hogwarts does, you great stupid prat, so let him have his letters!

Severus: On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill,

All: Ha ha!

Severus: but happy.

All: *groan*

Severus: "No post on Sundays,"

Lucius the Donkey: There isn't?

Lily: Not in the Muggle world.

Severus: he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers,

Remus: He's losing it....

James: Oh, he's already lost it. He's gone so far round the twist he's coming back.

Remus: So he's spreading marmalade on his newspapers?

Sirius: He must be one who likes to eat his words.

All: *groan at the lame joke*

Severus: "no damn letters today --"

Sirius: Remember what I said about eating his words? Well, I think he's about to.

Severus: Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head.

James: Hah! More letters! Bet you're feeling pretty stupid about thinking it wouldn't happen now, eh, Verney? Ha! Ha ha ha!

Remus: *to Sirius and Peter* Speaking of losing it....

Severus: Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets.

Lily: CATCH ONE, HARRY!

Severus: The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one.

Lily: Oh, good. He listens to his mummy. *beams*

Bellatrix: Is everyone in this room going to go utterly mad? We're only on the third chapter and already we're two down! Well, three if you count Sirius, but he wasn't really all there to begin with.

Lucius the Donkey: Being trapped with Nightwing is an all-new type of torture. They should replace the dementors with her at Azkaban.

Nightwing: *beams* That would be fun!

Lucius the Donkey: As I was saying....

Severus: "Out! OUT!"

James: Make him!

Severus: Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall.

James: All right, that would qualify as making him. *sulks*

Lily: STOP ABUSING MY CHILD!

Severus: When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces,

Narcissa: Oh, please! They're only letters, they're not going to kill you!

Nightwing: You've never had a paper cut? It hurts!

Severus: Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.

Peter: Rather like Sirius on sugar.

Sirius: *smirk*

Severus:"That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly

Lily: And how's that working out for him?

Severus: but pulling great tufts out of his mustache at the same time.

Narcissa: Not well, by the look of it.

Severus: I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away.

Remus: And they'll still find you. It was like this with me, too. *at the quizzical looks the Slytherins and Lily are giving him* My dad's a Muggle, he thought I'd be more dangerous if I learned magic.

Sirius, James, and Peter: *know perfectly well that's not why his dad didn't want him at Hogwarts, but know Remus doesn't want the real reason disclosed and stay silent*

Severus: Just pack some clothes. No arguments!" He looked so dangerous with half his mustache

Lucius the Donkey: Dangerous? More like funny, I daresay.

missing that no one dared argue.

Bellatrix: Otherwise, he may have gone back into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and killed them all. He has gone utterly berserk, after all.

Severus: Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors

Lucius the Donkey: Without magic? I'm impressed.

Nightwing: *changes him back* Your attitude towards Muggles just improved plenty. I'm impressed, Lucy! *pats him on the head*

Lucius: *winces as I touch his perfect blonde hair* *under his breath* Fat chance of my attitude "improving...."

Severus: and were in the car, speeding toward the highway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat;

Bellatrix: *in her baby voice* Awww, what happened? Did the wittle baby not want to weave his house wivout all his wittle Muggle toys?

Severus: his father had hit him round the head

All: Finally!

Severus: for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.

Peter: Is that even possible?

Remus: Apparently Dudley tried it.

Severus: They drove. And they drove.

James: And they drove.

Sirius: And they drove.

James: And they drove some more.

Sirius: And they--

Remus: Stop it. Now.

Sirius and James: Yes, Mum.

Severus: Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going.

Narcissa: Where are they going?

Nightwing: I don't even know. Vernon's just losing his mind and driving them to wherever he thinks will get them away from the Hogwarts people.

Severus: Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.

Sirius: ... wow. He really has gone mental.

Severus: "Shake'em off...shake 'em off," he would mutter whenever he did this.

Peter: Shake who off?

Remus: The people he thinks are following them, but really have Harry under a Tracking Spell so they can get his letters to him.

Severus: They didn't stop to eat or drink all day.

Lily: FEED MY BABY!

Severus: By nightfall Dudley was howling.

Sirius and Remus: *throw their heads back and howl*

Lily: Are you two going to do that every time the word howl is mentioned?

Sirius: *grins* Probably.

Severus: He'd never had such a bad day in his life.

Lily: I'm sure whatever happened, my poor little Harry's about ten times more miserable. *bares her teeth*

Severus: He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.

Bellatrix: *mockingly* Awww, you poor wittle thing. How will you ever survive?

Lily: *glaring at the book* Hopefully, he won't. Spoiled brat.

Severus: Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city.

Remus: If it has a red roof, I would run. Fast and far.

Nightwing: Ugh, yes. Run. *shudders* If anyone would like me to explain this, ask and I'll tell you, but only ask if you have a very strong stomach.

Severus: Dudley and Harry shared a

Sirius: Bed.

All except Sirius: *ignore him*

Severus: room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets.

Nightwing: Trust me, it could be way worse. *shudders at the thought of the Red Roof Inn*

Severus: Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering....

Lily: Why his parents had to die.

James: Why he had to be left with these... people instead of one of his godfathers.

Peter: Why it was suddenly raining pudding.

Bellatrix: Why his Dark Mark was burning.

Remus: *decides to be the sane one* Who was writing to him.

Sirius: What that strange but wonderful feeling deep in his pants was.

James: Sirius!

Sirius: *smiling innocently* I'm sorry, was that inappropriate?

Severus: They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day.

Lucius: Suddenly chocolate cake that tasted like it had been there for several years doesn't sound so bad.

Peter: Why would that sound bad in the first place?!

Severus: They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.

"'Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter?

James: Yep! The extraordinarily good-looking one!

All except James: *roll their eyes*

Severus: Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk." *sighs in annoyance* I hate reading when the characters don't use proper English. She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:

Mr. H. Potter

Room 17

Railview Hotel

Cokeworth

Sirius: Hey, Moony, don't you live somewhere near Cokeworth?

Remus: Yeah, I do. Interesting.

Severus: Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way.

James: Give that back, you slimy, purple--!

Severus: The woman stared. "I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.

James: You bloody well won't!

Sirius: Actually, it looks like he bloody well will.

Severus: "Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?"

Lily: Yes, but why would Vernon do the smart thing that would make sense?

Severus: Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew.

Bellatrix: How about a nice bridge he could drop them all off of so they fell from the highest cliff they possibly could and splatter all over the ground?

Severus: He drove them

Lucius: Off a cliff.

Severus: into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again.

Sirius: I really wish I could think of stronger words than "completely off his rocker" right now.

Severus: The same thing happened in the middle of a plowed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.

Bellatrix: And in the middle of the ocean, where they all drowned.

Narcissa: And in the depths of a pit of boiling lava.

Lucius: And in a cage full of chimaeras.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *look at each other hopelessly*

Nightwing: Oh, please, like the lot of you aren't just as bad, if not worse, with your "chicken-monkey-muffin" joke.

Severus: "Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon.

Remus: You never spoke a truer word.

Severus: Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared.

Bellatrix: Never to return!

Nightwing: Unfortunately, you're wrong.

Severus: It started to rain.

Lily: Ooh, if my son catches anything, Petunia....

Severus: Great drops beat on the roof of the car.

Sirius: *drums a beat by slapping his hands on the floor*

Severus: Dudley sniveled. *glares at the Marauders* Don't any of you say a word.

James: *way too innocently* Why, Snivellus, why ever would you think we'd mention your nickname from that?

Severus: *glares harder* "It's Monday," he told his mother.

Remus: Congratulations, Dudley, you've finally learned the days of the week. Gold star for you!

Severus: "The Great Humberto's on tonight.

Lily: You know, considering they're all so against magic, that does sound like the name of a magician or an illusionist.

Severus: I want to stay somewhere with a television."

James: Too bad. Has anyone ever bothered to ask what Harry wanted?

Severus: Monday. This reminded Harry of something.

Sirius: It reminded him that it was, in fact, the day after Sunday and the day before Tuesday. This meant that it was, in fact, Monday, and not Friday or Wednesday. Monday was the first day of the week, and as Friday was the second to last, last, it was not Friday. It truly was Monday, and no other day of the week.

Severus: If it was Monday--

Sirius: Then it wasn't Saturday or Thursday, the last or fifth day of the week, and it was Monday, the fir--

Peter: *chucks his beanbag chair at Sirius to shut him up and sits on the floor*

Remus: Thank you, Wormtail.

Peter: *beams*

Sirius: *leaves the chair on his head and sits there, perfectly happy to let it stay*

Severus: and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days the week,

James: Is that news to anyone else?

All except James: Yes!

Severus: because of television--

Lily: Of course. Why should he learn anything that he couldn't personally gain something from?

Severus: then tomorrow, Tuesday, was

Sirius: *muffled by the chair on his head* The day after Monday and the day before Wednesday.

Remus: Don't make me throw my chair at you, too.

Severus: Harry's eleventh birthday.

James and Lily: Happy birthday, Harry!

Severus: Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun--

Lily: Why am I not surprised?

Severus: last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

Peter: I like socks.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Severus: Still, you weren't eleven every day.

Lucius: You are for one whole year of your life.

Severus: Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: Oh, dear.

Lily: This can't end well.

Severus: He was also carrying a long, thin package

Sirius: *giggles*

Bellatrix: Shut. Up.

Severus: and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.

Sirius: Saying, "You'll just have to wait to find out until we get to the bedroom where we're staying!"

Severus: "Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!"

Remus: Why do I have a really, really bad feeling about this?

James: Because Vernon was smiling?

Remus: Yeah, that's probably it.

Severus: It was very cold outside the car.

Lucius: Isn't it the middle of summer?

Narcissa: Maybe they're being attacked by dementors.

Severus: Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea.

Lily: You're making my son stay on a rock?!

James: At least these people have to stay there, too.

Severus: Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine.

Lily: ... okay... that's not much of an improvement, but it's an improvement nonetheless.

Severus: One thing was certain, there was no television in there.

Bellatrix: Aww, poor wittle Dinky Diddydums.

Severus: "Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together.

Remus: Why exactly is he so happy? This is really starting to freak me out.

Severus: "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!" A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin,

Remus: Not helping....

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: A fellow Death Eater! Finally!

Severus: at an old rowboat

Nightwing: *singing* Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!

Severus: bobbing in the iron-gray water below them.

Lucius: You know the author is a woman when she describes water as "iron-gray." Honestly....

Nightwing: What's wrong with woman authors? *eyes flash dangerously*

Lucius: Nothing, nothing at all....

Severus: "I've already got us some rations,"

James: Which are all going to him, his prat of a son, and his absolutely horrid wife, just watch.

Severus: said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!"

It was freezing in the boat.

Narcissa: Yes, it's already been mentioned that it was cold.

Severus: Now they've apparently downgraded to freezing.

Lily: PETUNIA!

Severus: Relax, Lily, he's eleven years old. He's bound to have gotten used to the cold sooner or later.

Lucius: Stop treating the Mudblood like it's human, Severus.

Lily: *death glare*

Severus: *shoots Lucius a bit of a dirty look, too, which goes unnoticed, before continuing the reading* Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces.

Narcissa: Yes, we get it! It's cold!

Severus: After what seemed like hours

Lily: He had to endure that for hours? My poor baby!

James: Um, Lils? It only seemed like hours.

Lily: *slaps him*

James: What was that for?

Lily: Don't call me Lils.

Severus: they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding,

Bellatrix: Fell, broke his neck on the way down, and was lost forever to the unforgiving ocean below. *cackles*

Lily: It would serve him right!

Severus: led the way to the broken-down house. The inside was horrible;

Lily: *sob*

Severus: it smelled strongly of seaweed,

Nightwing: I like the smell of seaweed.

Severus: the wind whistled

Sirius: As Petunia got undressed. *wolf whistles, pretending to be the wind*

Remus: Um, Padfoot, I don't think that's quite what it meant.

Severus: through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty.

Narcissa: That's what the Incendio spell is for!

Bellatrix: I thought the Incendio spell was for setting Muggle houses on fire. *grins sadistically*

Severus: There were only two rooms. Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas.

Lily: That's all? That can hardly even be called rations!

James: At least Harry didn't get left out like I thought.

Severus: He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shriveled up.

Bellatrix: So he threw Harry into the fireplace instead and set him alight.

Lily: NOT MY SON, YOU BITCH!*

Severus: "Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully.

James: Or you could do with what my son would be able to do if you'd just let him read the letter!

Remus: If he'd been allowed to read the letter, they wouldn't be in that shack in the first place.

James: Point.

Severus: He was in a very good mood.

Peter: That's never good.

Severus: Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail.

Sirius: Oh, you don't know the Hogwarts owls!

Severus: Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.

Sirius: Don't worry, lad, like I said, those owls have been through much worse than a little storm.

Severus: As night fell,

Bellatrix: On the hut, it crushed everybody inside.

Severus: the promised storm blew up around them.

Peter: Boom!

Nightwing: What...?

Peter: It said "blew up."

Severus: Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows.

Lily: You had better hope Harry doesn't catch any horrible disease from this.

Severus: I'm sure he's survived thunderstorms before.

Lily: Not in a tiny, run-down shack like this, he hasn't.

Severus: Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa.

James: Hah hah, Dudley's on the couch.

Remus: Think about where that'll leave Harry, Prongs.

James: *looks deflated*

Severus: She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door,

Sirius: And we're stuck following Harry? Injustice!

Lily: *slaps him*

Severus: and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could

Lily: PETUNIA, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!

Severus: and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.

Lily: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!!!

Severus: The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep.

James: I can't sleep during thunderstorms, either. Too much noise.

Severus: He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable,

Remus: Good luck with that. "Softest bit of floor he could find," honestly....

Severus: his stomach rumbling with hunger.

Lily: They're still not feeding him! *sob*

Severus: Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight.

Peter: Something can drown out the pig-boy's snores? That must be some loud thunder!

Severus: The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time.

Sirius: Happy birthday!

James: Not yet, wait till it hits. It'll be more special.

Nightwing: *looks at that sentence on her laptop in annoyance* Why doesn't that sentence look right?

Severus: He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all,

Lily: After all they've done to him, he still remains hopeful. Awww.

Severus: wondering where the letter writer was now.

Remus: Probably close, since there's so much of this book left. He's got to get that letter and go off to Hogwarts somehow.

James: He's stopped being pessimistic! It's a miracle!

Severus: Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside.

Peter: Creeeeak!

Severus: He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in,

Lily: If it does, I'm suing my sister for every pound she's worth!

Lucius: *to the other Slytherins* What's a pound?

Narcissa and Bellatrix: *shrug*

Severus: although he might be warmer if it did.

Narcissa: That almost makes me feel sorry for the kid!

Severus: Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.

James: Good thinking, Harry! Unlikely to actually happen, but still, good thinking!

Severus: Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping hard on the rock like that?

Lucius: Probably.

Remus: It could be footsteps.

Lucius: *scoffs* Huge footsteps.

Remus: I dunno, maybe it's Hagrid or someone.

Severus: And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise?

Remus: Hagrid tripping over something?

Severus: Was the rock crumbling into the sea?

Lily: *wails*

Severus: One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds...twenty ...ten...nine--

Sirius: Eight, seven, six, five....

Severus: maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him--

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *laugh*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *can't quite keep smiles off their faces*

James: *still chortling* I love my son.

Peter: Do it, Harry!

Severus: three...two...one...

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY!

Severus: BOOM.

All except Severus: *jump about a foot in the air*

Severus: *looks rather pleased with himself* The whole shack shivered

Narcissa: So even the house itself is cold?

Severus: and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.

Lily: Burglars!

James: In a dump like that?

Remus: Yeah, don't worry, Lily. I'm sure it's not that bad.

Severus: Well, it's the end of the chapter, so we'll just have to wait and see until Nightwing finishes rambling.

Sirius: How close are we, by the way?

Nightwing: *hides her face behind the sides of her egg chair, very quietly* Sixty nine percent.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *groan*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *look like they're going to kill something* WHAT?!

Nightwing: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You lot need to talk more!

Peter: She does have a point, really.

Sirius: I guess this is the part where you can stop reading if you want. We'll meet you in The Keeper of The Keys. See you!

Severus: Do me a favor, Nightwing.

Nightwing: What is it and why should I?

Severus: Don't let these six percent be filled up with jokes that are made at my expense.

Nightwing: Which brings us to the second part... why should I do that? My reviewers loved the Shnookums thing. *smiles sweetly*

James: *laughing* They're not the only ones!

Severus: *gives him a very nasty look* And the bit with my fangirls?

Lucius: They were sticking up for you, why would you not like that?

Severus: ....

Nightwing: Exactly. So, I guess what I'm saying is... REQUEST DENIED! *cackles maniacally*

Severus: I hate you.

Nightwing: Likewise.

Sirius: Do The Marauder Era's Next Top Model thing again!

Lucius: You loved stealing my crown as the best looking guy in here, didn't you?
Sirius: You can say that again!

Nightwing: *before a fight can break out* Nah, I think we'll do something new this time. *opens her mouth to sing*

Bellatrix: You do, and you die.

Nightwing: Fine, be that way. Any of you want to sing something?

Peter: *singing really, really badly* I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Here they are standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head--!

Nightwing: Peter, you know Monty Python?

Peter: Yeah, my dad watches it!

Nightwing: You know, if I didn't already hate you so much, that could have been the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Peter: Why do you hate me so much?

Nightwing: I have my reasons, and all will be explained when we get to Prisoner of Azkaban. But I won't say just yet, I want to see your friends' reactions. *smiles evilly*

Sirius: *aside* Why would anyone name a python Monty?

Bellatrix, Narcissa, Lucius, and James: *shrug*

Lily: Monty Python are a comedy troupe made up of a few guys who are complete lunatics, but quite funny in their way.

Nightwing: Quite funny? They're bloody hilarious!

Lucius: Muggles with good traits? Be serious.

Nightwing: *hisses*

Sirius: *whines* She can't be serious! I'm Sirius!

James: Padfoot. Not. Funny.

Sirius: Prongs. Not. Nice.

Remus: Padfoot and Prongs. Not. Speaking. In. Complete. Sentences.

Peter: Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs. Not... er....

Sirius: Wormtail. Not. Good. At. This.

Severus: I'm picturing you all dying in very painful ways right now.

Bellatrix: Ooh, tell me! I'd love to carry them out! *smiles evilly*

Nightwing: You've still got an entire series to read before you get your magic back. Don't get too ahead of yourselves.

Bellatrix and Severus: *glare*

Nightwing: Ooh, ooh, guess what! I have an idea!

Narcissa: *sighs in annoyance* What torture are we going to be subjected to now?

Nightwing: Let's play 20 Questions Harry Potter edition! I'll go first!

Remus: Is it a person?

Nightwing: Nope!

Sirius: Animal?

Nightwing: Nope!

Peter: Something to do with Hogwarts?
Nightwing: Yep!
Lucius: Would us purebloods be ashamed to have anything to do with it?

Nightwing: Nope!

Lily: Is it a group of people?

Nightwing: Yep!

Remus: Is it one of the four Houses?

Nightwing: Yes!

Bellatrix: Is there anyone from that House in this room?

Nightwing: Yep!

Severus: Is it Slytherin?

Nightwing: Nope!

Severus: Gryffindor, then.

Narcissa: Severus, she said a pureblood wouldn't be ashamed to have anything to do with it.

Severus: Right, right.... But what other House is represented in here?

Nightwing: *looks rather annoyed*

Remus: Oh-- Nightwing's a Ravenclaw! It's Ravenclaw!

Nightwing: Ding, ding, ding, ding! Remus's turn!

Remus: *thinks for a moment* All right, I've got something.

Sirius: Is it an animal?

Remus: Yes.

Lucius: Is it a magical creature?

Remus: Yes.

Bellatrix: Is it a Dark creature?

Remus: Well... yes, yes, I suppose so.

James: Is it a werewolf?

Remus: *looks slightly uncomfortable* No.

Peter: Do wizards have control over them or make them to do things?

Remus: Yes.

Lucius: Do they make good guards?

Remus: Yes.

Lily: It's a Dementor?

Remus: Very good, Lily!

Lily: *thinks for a moment* All right, I have mine!

Remus: Is it a person?

Lily: *shakes her head*

Severus: Place?

Lily: Yes!

Lucius: Is it infested with Muggles?

Lily: *purses her lips in a very Petunia-like way, but shakes her head*

Sirius: So it's a wizard area... is it Hogsmeade?

Lily: It's in Hogsmeade, yes, but it's not Hogsmeade itself.

Peter: So it's one of the shops?

Severus: Really, Pettigrew?

Peter: Well, it could be the Three Broomsticks or The Shrieking Shack or something, and they're not shops!

Lily: *before this can get out of hand* Yes, Peter, it's a shop.

Sirius: Zonko's!

Lily: No.

Bellatrix: Dervish and Banges?

Lily: *shakes her head* No....

Severus: Honeydukes?

Lily: *nods, smiling* That's it!

Nightwing: All right, Severus goes, and then we do something else. Okay?

All: *groan in disappointment*

Nightwing: Well, I'm sorry, but I still have four percent left to fill up, and we can't do this the whole time, it'll get boring! I live to please my readers, after all!

Lucius: Do any of them actually read this crap?

Nightwing: You'd be surprised, actually, I got tons of good reviews on Snivellus being called Shnookums.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *snicker*

Severus: *looks rather annoyed* I'm ready.

Bellatrix: Person?

Severus: Yes.

Remus: Have we met them in the book yet?

Severus: We have heard of them, but we have yet to actually see them in it.

Narcissa: Are they male?

Severus: Yes.

Lucius: Is he pureblood?

Severus: Er... no, I don't think so. But his morals are well connected to what we believe, and so I don't see why it should mat--

Nightwing: *interrupts* No, Lucius, he's not a pureblood. Snape, don't go so long into it.

Severus: Yes, Miss Authoress.

Sirius: So, if his morals are connected to what your lot believes, they're what we normal people would call evil?

Severus: *irritably* Yes, I suppose so.

Bellatrix: *thinking* Heard of him, but not yet met him.... What a Muggle-lover would call evil.... IT'S THE DARK LORD! *cackles*

Severus: Yes, Bella, it's the Dark Lord. *smirking slightly*

Nightwing: All right, next way to waste time--

Bellatrix: But I have a really good one!

Nightwing: *sighs in annoyance* All right, one more. God, I feel like I'm babysitting ten little kids who don't want to go to bed!

Bellatrix: *glare*

Narcissa: Person?

Bellatrix: No.

Sirius: Place?

Bellatrix: No.

Lucius: So it's a thing, then.

Bellatrix: What else?

Severus: Is it a spell?

Bellatrix: Yes.

Peter: Is it a Dark spell? Like, a curse or something?

Bellatrix: Yes, it's a curse.

Remus: Is it legal?

Bellatrix: No, but that takes all the fun out of a spell, doesn't it?

James: Is it one of the Unforgivable Curses?

Bellatrix: Yes.

Nightwing: Well, that narrows it down quite a bit.

Peter: Is it the Avada Kedavra?

Bellatrix: No.

Lily: The Imperius Curse, then?

Bellatrix: No. So, what does that leave you with?

James: The Cruciatus Curse.

Bellatrix: *cackles in response*

Sirius: We should have known, she loves that spell. All right, Prongs, your turn.

Nightwing: But--!

Sirius: Oh, come on, it'll help your word count.

Nightwing: Fine. But this is the last one!

Remus: Person.

James: Nope.

Sirius: Place?

James: Nope.

Peter: So it's a thing?

James: What else?

Severus: Would any of us Slytherins know what it is?

James: Yes.

Lily: Is it a magical creature?

James: Yes.

Remus: Is it a sentient creature?

James: Yes.

Peter: What does sentient mean?

Remus: It's a creature that can think for itself.

Bellatrix: Can a wizard keep it in their house?

James: Yes.

Lucius: Does anyone in this room own at least one?
James: Yes, most of us do, actually.

Narcissa: Can they help us do things?

James: Yes.

Sirius: Are there any general requirements for owning one?

James: Yes. To make it a bit easier, can I say what one of them usually is?

Nightwing: *nods*

James: You normally have to be pretty wealthy to own one, and extremely wealthy to own several.

Lily: A house elf, maybe?

James: You got it, darling!

Lily: *slaps him hard* Don't call me darling, Potter.

James: *slightly dazed from the slap* Yes, my love.

Lily: *looks rather annoyed, but doesn't slap him again*

Nightwing: Well, that brought us up to seventy two percent. Only three percent left to go, you guys!

All: *cheer*

Nightwing: *turns Peter into a donkey*

Peter the Donkey: What did I do?!

Nightwing: Nothing yet. I just needed some way to entertain myself. *smirks evilly*

Peter the Donkey: Jaaaames, she's being mean to me again!

Nightwing: *in a mock baby voice* Aww, is poor ickle Wormtail sad because the big mean Authoress doesn't like him and takes pleasure out of torturing him?

Sirius: Oh, great, now there's two of them....

Bellatrix: Only I'm allowed to imitate a baby voice!

Nightwing: I'm the Authoress, you have no right to stop me doing anything.

Peter the Donkey: Of all things you could have done to take up space, why did you have to make me a donkey for no reason?

Lily: If it makes you feel any better, Peter, you're a very cute donkey. *beams and pats his muzzle*

Peter the Donkey: *closes his eyes, enjoying it, then jumps as he realizes what he's doing* Stop it! I am not an animal!

Lucius: *under his breath* Well, you certainly look like one at the moment....

Peter the Donkey: Stop it!
James: Oi, stop being mean to him!

Sirius: Yeah, only the Authoress is allowed to torture him, and that's because she's in charge and we can't do anything about it!

Peter the Donkey: Thanks a lot, you guys.

Sirius: Hey, we do what we can.

Nightwing: I really want to sing something here, but I don't actually know the song, so I won't.

Bellatrix: Good, that means you can't sing it.

Nightwing: Excuse me, if you must know, I've been taking voice lessons for three years, so you really can't be criticizing my voice!

Bellatrix: No, but it's maddening how you keep bursting into song at random moments.

Nightwing: Is that so? *smirks evilly, then starts singing again* It's a world of laughter, a world of tears--

Remus: Oh, dear God....

Sirius: She's done it this time....

Nightwing: *still singing* It's a world of hope and a world of fears, there's so much that we share that it's time we're aware, it's a small world after all!

Bellatrix: *eye twitches*

Nightwing: *still singing* It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world!

Bellatrix: *looks like she's about to kill something small and fluffy*

Nightwing: *still singing* There is just one moon and one golden sun, and a smile means friendship to everyone! Though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world--

Bellatrix: *voice shaking with annoyance* Stop it. Now.

Nightwing: Fine. It just keeps doing that for eight minutes straight, anyway.

Bellatrix: How do you stand that song?

Nightwing: I can't, actually, I'm just singing it to annoy you. It's the most annoying song I know, actually.

Bellatrix: I can believe it.

Nightwing: Still, Walt Disney World rocks, and that's one of the only Disney songs I don't like, and even though I don't like that song, I have a tendency to get really pissed off if someone speaks ill of the ride itself. So don't do it!

Severus: I'm sure your reviewers are so glad to have had that warning.

Peter the Donkey: How do you know she was talking to her reviewers?

Severus: Because none of us have any idea what she's talking about.

Peter the Donkey: Hey, you're right!

Sirius and Remus: We know what she's talking about!

Peter the Donkey: Yeah, but you two are muses. You know things that we don't... hey! Does that mean you know what's going to happen in the books?

Remus: *shakes his head*

Sirius: She wiped that stuff from our memories with her laptop. She wants us to be surprised by everything that happens, haven't you noticed we've been reacting the same as you lot to everything that's been happening?

Peter the Donkey: Oh yeah....

Lucius: Pettigrew is so thick that he wouldn't notice something important like that if it bit him in the arse.

Peter the Donkey: I noticed, I just forgot! We haven't actually been reading for a while, in case you haven't noticed!

Severus: Too long, actually. Are we almost done here?

Nightwing: Nope. We still have seventy three percent left to go. *pause* Go ahead. Start ranting about how I'm so slow.

Severus: I wasn't going to, I've gotten to used to this to mind that much, but if it will make this end faster.... How could you keep this going? Why can't you just add more of us talking in the narrative of the book? Why do you delight in torturing us here like this, and making your readers read a load of rubbish when all they wanted to read was us commenting on that bloody book?

Nightwing: *is delightedly watching her word count shoot up as he whines*

Severus: Why do we have to play your stupid games and do your stupid contests, which Black always seems to win anyway just because he's your favorite character!

Sirius: Oi, I didn't even have a turn in 20 Questions!

Severus: Why do you favor the Gryffindors so much over the Slytherins, just because we're in a different House and the majority of us don't like Muggles?

Remus: She's Muggle-born, you idiot, she doesn't like you talking about the people she knows like that.

Severus: The people reading this don't want to read this crap, they just want you to write the next chapter already!

James: The ones who don't want to read this stuff don't have to, Sirius warned them at the end of the actual chapter! And will you please stop insulting her?

Severus: She asked for this, Potter, it helps her word count.

Nightwing: I really could do without the insults, though.

Severus: *under his breath* You're not the only one....

Nightwing: What was that, Snivellus?

Severus: Nothing, dear Miss Authoress, nothing.

Nightwing: That's what I thought.

Sirius: How about this, Nightwing? *clears his throat melodramatically* Mr. Padfoot presents his most sincere compliments to Miss Nightwing, and would like her to know that he has never enjoyed being kidnapped and forced to read a book more. He thinks she is extremely pretty, clever, and funny, with a lovely singing voice, and he would also like her to know--

Nightwing: *blushing slightly and looking rather flattered* Don't be a kiss-ass, Sirius.

Lucius: Don't lie, you loved that and we all know it.

James: All right, how about this? Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, with the assistance of Miss Nightwing, present their compliments to Lucius Malfoy.

Remus: Mr. Moony thinks that Lucius Malfoy looks extremely effeminate and really should stop walking around with his nose in the air all the time before he runs into a wall.

James: Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that the pimp cane Lucius Malfoy carries will never make him a true pimp.

Sirius: Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that his cousin sees anything good in Lucius Malfoy.

Peter the Donkey: Mr. Wormtail thinks that being locked in a room with Lucius Malfoy is a worse torture than the Cruciatus Curse.

Nightwing: And Miss Nightwing bids Lucius Malfoy good day and advises him to find more of a life than washing his hair and killing Muggles.

Lucius: *annoyed* I don't look effeminate with my long, shiny hair, I look gorgeous; I do watch where I'm going while I look down on the rest of you; that's not why I have my cane; Narcissa wants me because I'm rich, pureblood, and I have the best hair in the Wizarding world, and the same goes for the rest of my fangirls, for that matter; and I wouldn't be talking, Pettigrew, not while you're a donkey!

Nightwing: Don't take it so personally, Lucy, we were just having a bit of fun to help my word count. You know you're my third favorite, really.

Lucius: Considering I'm behind Black and Lupin, that's not much of a compliment.

Nightwing: You have to be so negative, don't you?

Sirius: I'm sexier than you, and you know it.

Remus: I'm... er, not quite sure why she likes me so much.

Nightwing: Because you're so cute, lovable, and your low self esteem just makes me want to give you the biggest hug ever, that's why! *hugs Remus*

Remus: *hugs back awkwardly* Thanks, I guess.

Nightwing: Well, we're coming close to my seventy five percent, which means we're almost done!

Severus: Yes!

Bellatrix: What?

Severus: We went a whole seventy five percent without a joke meant solely for my humiliation!

Sirius: Would you like us to fix that, Miss Authoress? I know how you can't live without taking the mick out of Snivellus.

James: *grins* A Marauder through and through.

Nightwing: Nah, that's okay, we can do something next chapter. I don't really have anything in mind at the moment, and we've almost hit my seventy five percent mark, so let's just decide who's going to read next. That should make the Fiction Alley people happy and give us the word count we need.

Peter the Donkey: Can I get changed back first? Please?

Nightwing: *sighs in annoyance* Fine. *turns him back*

Peter: Much better!

Remus: So, if we continue our pattern, a Gryffindor reads next, right?

Nightwing: Yep!

Remus: If you don't have a specific one of us in mind, would you mind terribly if I had a go?

Nightwing: Not at all! Go right ahead, my dear second favorite.

Remus: *takes the book from Severus* Chapter Four, the Keeper of the Keys....

*Recognize this line?