The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in bold, or any of the Harry Potter characters reading the book (or any of the songs I sing, for that matter). Suing me will only get you a bit of spare change and some pocket lint, so it really wouldn't be worth it anyway.

Last time...

Bellatrix: Wait! Before we go on, why don't you say who's going to read the next one? And if you say me again, I'll Crucio you to the point of insanity.

Nightwing: First of all, you can't, I spellproofed the room. Second of all, I'm already insane, there's not much more you can do to me. Third of all... why not? Let's go with a Gryffindor this time. Not James or Lily, they'll need this chapter to... erm... comment on some stuff... so... how about I use my mystical Authoress powers to choose? *points to Sirius, Remus, and Peter in turn* Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a Padfoot by the toe, never gonna let him go, eeny, meeny, miney, mo. His mother called me a dirty Mudblood, but that is absolutely positively not true. Yay bronze and blue! *pause* Looks like next chapter is Sirius's turn to read! Now, Mr. Padfoot, will you do the honors?

Sirius: *picks the book up off the golden pedestal and opens it to the first page of the second chapter* *clears his throat melodramatically* Chapter Two, the Vanishing Glass....

Peter: -- es. Poor Harry, he won't be able to see anything!

Lily: How do you know Harry inherited his father's awful eyesight?

Peter: *shrugs* Just a feeling, I guess.

Lily: Potter, if my son inherits a single one of your horrid genes, I will MURDER you.

James: And if he does... I'm sorry?

Lily: Hmph. Read, Black.

Sirius: Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their

Lucius: House in ruins, the Death Eaters having finally taken their revenge on young Harry Potter for their master's demise.

Sirius: nephew on the front step,

Remus: Oh, so Harry's eleven! He should be getting his Hogwarts letter any day now!

Severus: Unless he's a Squib.

James: My son is not a Squib!

Lucius: He could be, you know, it's not impossible. Especially considering his mother is a Mudblood.

Lily: My son will be just as magical as his parents, just you wait!

Lucius: As magical as his parents? I repeat, you are a Mudblood. Not magical.

Lily: *looks like she's about ready to kill Lucius*

Sirius: *reads quickly before a fight breaks out* but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.

Narcissa: No, these people don't strike me as the type who would change very much.

Sirius: The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; hee hee, that rhymes!

All except Sirius: *roll eyes and sigh exasperatedly*

Sirius: What? It does! it crept into their living room,

Bellatrix: And stole everything of value it could find.

Lucius: But not before murdering all three Dursleys and Harry Potter in their beds.

Sirius: which was almost exactly the same

Remus: We've established that this place doesn't change very much.

Sirius: as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.

Peter and Sirius: *giggle at the memory of how Sirius twisted that news report*

Remus: *rolls his eyes*

Sirius: *after he's done giggling* Only the photographs on the mantlepiece really showed how much

James: Weight Mr. Dursley had gained.

Sirius: time had passed.

James: I was close.

All except James: *give James weird looks*

Sirius: Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of

Peter: Mrs. Dursley naked.

Remus: Peter! Not you too!

Peter: I can't help it! Sirius is a horrible influence!

Sirius: *looks smug as he reads* what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets--

Severus: Why were they taking pictures of a beach ball in baby bonnets?

Lucius: Because they're Muggles and they're mental?

Bellatrix: Maybe the boy was kidnapped and they were -- *in her baby voice* so heawtbwoken that they used the beach ball to take the pwace of wittle bitty baby Duddy.

Sirius: but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby,

Narcissa: Wait... did it just say that their son looked like a beach ball?

All: *pause, then burst out laughing, some of them even falling out of their chairs and rolling around*

Bellatrix: *choking out the words in between laughs* That-- is-- priceless! *loses it again*

Sirius: *finally calms down enough to read* and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first-- wait a minute... Moony, how do you pronounce this?

Remus: *looks at the book* Bye-sickle, if I'm not mistaken. It's a way Muggles get around if they don't have cars.

Sirius: Oh-- okay, thank you-- bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, what's a carousel?

Lily: It's a round platform with fake horses attatched to it by sticks. Muggles ride those horses when the platform rotates slowly, and sometimes the horses rise up and down. It's quite fun, actually.

Sirius: playing a computer game with his father,

Nightwing: That's a game that you play on a computer-- like this one. *gestures to her trusty laptop* You push the buttons here-- *points to her keyboard*-- and things happen here. *taps her monitor*

Sirius: being hugged and kissed by his mother.

Lily: *sniffles* I wish I could have done that for my son....

James: You did, for a while.
Sirius: The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.

James and Lily: WHAT?!

Lily: How dare-- how dare she ignore my son? She's neglecting him! I bet he's not fed adequately, or clothed properly... I knew she'd do something like this!

James: *trying to stay calm* Relax, Lily, I'm sure it's not that bad.

Lily: *darkly* I'm sure it is.
Sirius: Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long.

Lily: They don't even let him sleep right. *sob*

Sirius: His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.

All: *wince*

Bellatrix: *sarcastically* What a lovely alarm clock.
Sirius: "Up! Get up! Now!"

Lily: *shudders* She's woken me up like that before.

Severus: You have my pity.

Lily: *smiles warmly at him*

James: *sulks*
Sirius: Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.

Nightwing: *rapping very badly* Yo, Harry, wake up, it's time to rise! Time to slave away for me and the guys. There's Vernon the cow, and me, I'm a horse, and my son who is bacon, so ya better be wakin'! *strikes a gangsta pose in Lily's general direction* Word to your mother.

All: *silence*

Remus: Wow... that was... special....

Nightwing: I'm a very special person. *beams*
Sirius: "Up!" she screeched.

All: *wince*

Sirius: Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being

Severus: Slammed on Mr. Dursley's head.

Nightwing: And then onto Dudley's!

Sirius: put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having.

James: If you're anything like me, son, it's no use. I never remember my dreams.

Sirius: It had been a good one.

Lily: Aw, good, my son's having good dreams. *smiles*

Severus: This is good how?

Lily: I much prefer this to him having nightmares!

Sirius: There had been a flying motorcycle in it. Hey, look, Prongs, your son's dreaming about me!

James: No, he was dreaming about your motorcycle, which Hagrid was riding when he saw it.

Sirius: Party pooper. He had a funny feeling

Peter: Was it wearing a red nose and clown shoes?

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Sirius: he'd had the same dream before.

Lily: Sirius Black, you had better not have given my son nightmares on that bike of yours.

Sirius: But it said he had a good dream about my motorcycle!

Lily: Even so....
Sirius: His aunt was back outside the door.

All: Oh, joy....
Sirius: "Are you up yet?" she demanded.

Lucius: If he was up, he'd be out of his room already.
Sirius: "Nearly," said Harry.

Narcissa: Nearly up? How can he be nearly up?
Remus: Maybe it's like Nearly Headless. No one knows.

James: Actually, we're told every Sorting feast, we've just never been able to actually listen because we're always gagging. It's revolting.

Lily: I know, why does some first year have to ask that every single year? Some of us actually want to eat our dinner!
Sirius: "Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon.

Lucius: So he has to babysit Dudley now?

Sirius: And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's

birthday."

Bellatrix: Duddy? That's what I called him!
Sirius: Harry groaned.

"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.

James: *as Harry* I said, *groans*

Sirius: "Nothing, nothing..."

James: Come on, son, stand up for yourself!
Sirius: Dudley's birthday--how could he have forgotten?

Bellatrix: Easily, if he doesn't like him. I forget Andromeda's birthday all the time, and I don't even know when Sirius's is to begin with.

Sirius: *glares* Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks.

Peter: Here you go! *pulls one of his socks off and holds it up in front of him*

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks*

Sirius: He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on.

Lily: *eyes narrow dangerously* Why were there spiders on my son's clothes, Petunia?

Sirius: Harry was used to spiders,

Lily: *dangerously* And why is that?

Sirius: because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them,

James: *also starting to get ticked off* What does my son have to do with the cupboard?

Sirius: and that was where he slept.

Gryffindors: *James and Lily are loudest of all* WHAT?!

James: *shaking with anger* That-- that--

Lily: THAT HORRID, EVIL, TWISTED PIECE OF SATAN!!! *stands up, her face as red as her hair because of her anger* HOW DARE SHE MAKE MY SON SLEEP IN A CUPBOARD!!! WHAT DID POOR LITTLE HARRY DO TO DESERVE THIS?! NOTHING! IN FACT, HE DESERVES MORE THAN YOU DO AFTER KILLING VOLDEMORT!

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Lily: *doesn't notice* OH, PETUNIA VIOLET EVANS, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!! *sits back down, fuming*

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*
Sirius: When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents.

Lucius: *smirks* Sounds like what happens on my birthday.

Lily: I bet my poor little Harry is completely ignored on his birthday....

Sirius: It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second--oh, wait, I know this one... telly-vis-ee-on?

Lily: Close enough.

Sirius: and the racing bike. What's a racing bike?

Nightwing: It's short for bicycle.

Sirius: Oh. ... what's a bicycle?

Nightwing: It's like the Muggle equivelant of a racing broom, except that it doesn't fly.

Sirius: Well, that's boring...

Remus: *aside* Didn't I just explain that to him?

Sirius: Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise--

James: Just like his father, I'd imagine.

Sirius:-- of course it involved punching somebody.

Lily: *eyes narrow dangerously* If you even say-- no, if you even think the first words of Dudley punching Harry....

Sirius: *gulps* Dudley's favorite punching bag was-- *scoots to hide behind Nightwing's egg chair* Harry,

Lily: *sputters incoherently* -- WHAT?! So, he's not just neglected-- he's abused!
Remus: Where in the world are child services?

James: More importantly, where in the world are you three?

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: Um....

Sirius: but he couldn't often catch him.

Lily: *sighs with relief* Good.

James: Sounds like he inherited at least one of his father's good genes. *beams*

Sirius: Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.

James: Definitely one of my many good genes.

Sirius: Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard,

Lily: *furious* But Harry had always suspected that the Dursleys hated and despised everything to do with him and were constantly abusing him?!

Sirius: but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.

Remus: *snickers* I'm afraid that's not the Dursley's fault.

Peter: Another one of your good genes, Prongs? *snickers also*

James: Shut it, both of you. I'm growing... slowly....

Sirius: Suuuure you are....

Remus: *snickers* Just keep telling yourself that....

James: *sulks*

Marauders minus James: *snicker snicker snicker*

Sirius: He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's,

Lily: I knew it. *sob*

Sirius: and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was.

Lucius: Why doesn't it just say he was ridiculously fat?

Nightwing: Um... because. That's why.

Sirius: Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair,

Lily: Ugh, how could a child look so much like a sperm donor?

James: A sperm donor? That's why you say you married me? Because I was a sperm donor?

Lily: *nods happily*

Sirius: and bright green eyes.

Lily: Oh, good, he has my eyes instead of Potter's horrid brown ones. Let's just hope that he has my eyesight as well.

James: ... but my eyes are hazel....

Sirius: He wore round glasses

Narcissa: You're out of luck, Evans. It looks like he does have Potter's eye sight.

Lily: *slaps James*

James: *holding his face in pain* What was that for?

Lily: For making my son inherit your horrific vision.

Sirius: held together with a lot of Scotch tape

Nightwing: Muggle Spellotape

Sirius: Thank you. because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.

Lily: *gives the book an evil, evil look*

Sirius: The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance

James: The only thing-- hey!

Severus: It's nice to know your son has good taste, at least, Evans.

Lily: *smiles*

James: *sulks*

Sirius: was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.

Lily: WHAT?! You like the result of the abomination that is your horrible child-knifing father?!
James: It's not my fault!

Sirius: He had had it as long as he could remember,

Lily: *slaps James*

James: I didn't knife our son!!!

Sirius: and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was

Peter: Where babies come from?

All except Peter: *choose to ignore him*

Sirius: how he had gotten it.

Lily: HIS FATHER KNIFED HIM!!!

James: No I didn't!

Remus: It's probably from when Voldemort--

Peter and Slytherins: *flinch*

Remus: -- attacked, and will you lot get a grip?
Sirius: "In the car crash when your parents died,"

James: Excuse me?! Car crash?!

Lily: We were murdered, and she passes it off as a car crash?!

James: We don't need to use cars, thank you very much! Therefore, we won't die when they crash!

Severus: And besides, the odds on the crash leaving a lightning scar are astronomical.

Lucius: Severus, don't stick up for Mudbloods.

Sirius: she had said. "And don't ask questions."
James: Ask all the questions you want, son! Stick it to the man!

Remus: Not a smart idea around them, Prongs.

James: It's not a smart idea around McGonagall either, but I do it anyway! Why shouldn't Harry do it to the Muggles?

Remus: Stop talking, James. Just... stop.

Sirius: Don't ask questions-- that was the first rule for a quiet life with the
Dursleys.

James: Quiet is boring! Stick it to the--

Remus: *waves his wand* Silencio.

James: *opens his mouth, but no sound comes out*

Nightwing: What the-- I spellproofed the room!

James: *looks puzzled*

Remus: *whispering to me* It's all about psychology. He thinks I silenced him, so since he doesn't think he can talk, he won't.

Nightwing: Ah, sneaky. And they say you're not mischevious enough to be a Marauder. *hugs Remus*

Sirius: Nightwing! *looks hurt* I thought I was your favorite!

Nightwing: You are! *beams and hugs him*

Sirius: *is satisfied* Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen

Gryffindors: Uh-oh.

Sirius: as Harry was turning over the bacon.

Lucius: Why must he turn Dudley over?

Nightwing: You know, bacon doesn't always mean Dudley.

Lucius: I can't have my own running joke?

Nightwing: Nope, not when it's not funny.
Lucius: I hate you, Nightwing

Sirius: "Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting.
James: *breaks the nonexistant "Silencing Charm"* It's GENETIC! GENETIC I tell you!

Sirius: About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut.

James: It can't be helped! The Potter hair curse can't be cured!

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *snicker snicker snicker*

Sirius: Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together,

Remus: *snickers* Sounds just like his dad.

Sirius: Yeah, Prongs has had more haircuts in the past month than I've had in my whole life. *snickers*

James: Just because you don't cut your hair--

Sirius: My hair's sexy long, what can I say? *tosses his past-shoulder-length hair* but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way -- all over the place.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *can't help it this time and crack up*

Lily: YOU GAVE MY SON YOUR HAIR!!!
James: It's genetic! I can't help it! I'm sorry! Stop laughing at me!!!

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *just laugh harder*

James: *sulks*
Sirius: *calms down enough to read* Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen

Lucius: I thought he was already in there.

Nightwing: That wasn't funny when it started, Lucius. Stop it.

Sirius: with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon.

Narcissa: Poor thing.

Sirius: He had a large pink face,

Nightwing: *shudders*
Sirius: not much neck, small, watery blue eyes,

Peter: Hey! His eyes sound like mine! Cool!

Nightwing: Dude, that's not a good thing.

Peter: You just don't like me.

Nightwing: I have a good reason not to. I'm just not telling you what it is.

Sirius: and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.

Severus: That was a bit redundant.

Sirius: Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel--

Bellatrix: I highly doubt that.

Sirius: Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.

All: *laugh*

Remus: I like your son, Prongs!
Sirius: Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult

Lucius: As putting a plate with bacon on it involved lifting his cousin--

Nightwing: *turns Lucius into a donkey*

Lucius the Donkey: What was that for?!

Nightwing: For not listening to me. Besides, it's been too long since one of you was turned into a donkey.

Lucius the Donkey: Have I mentioned lately how much I hate you?

Sirius: as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents.

Bellatrix: Are we sure he can manage this? I mean, who's to say the wittle bitty baby's big enough to count all by himsewf?
Sirius: Do you have any idea how annoying that is?

Bellatrix: Do you have any idea how little I care about your opinion?

Sirius: *glares at her* His face fell.

Narcissa: Off a cliff.

Lucius the Donkey: Into the waiting jaws of a starving chimaera.

Severus: Making the world a much more beautiful place.

Bellatrix: Because there was one less Muggle in it.
Nightwing: Lucius, what sick fascination do you have with chimaeras?

Sirius: "Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father.

Remus: Merlin's beard, who gets thirty-six presents on their birthday?

Lucius the Donkey, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: I do!

Sirius: *disgusted* Regulus does.

James: ... *quietly* I do.

Remus: It's all right with you, James. Your parents are cool.

Lucius the Donkey: Typical Gryffindor, everything's bad until one of your own does it. Then it's fine.

James: Shut up, Malfoy.

Sirius: "That's two less than last year."

Remus: That little spoiled brat! My parents have never had enough money to get me more than one present a year, and I never say a word! But he has thirty six and he's complaining!

Sirius: Breathe, Moony, breathe.
Bellatrix: Yeah, it's not the kid's fault your family's so inferior.

Remus: *shoots Bellatrix a death glare* It's because of our medical bills.

Bellatrix: No one cares why you're poor, Lupin, we just need to know that you are to make fun of you.

Nightwing: Bella, stop making fun of Remus. Remus, stop encouraging Bella.

Sirius: "Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."
Severus: He calls his parents Mommy and Daddy? He's how old?

Lily: Eleven, I think. He and Harry are around the same age, and we already know Harry's eleven.

Sirius: "All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face.

Lucius the Donkey: This is just pathetic. Is he really going to have a tantrum about how many presents he got? Stupid spoiled brat!

Nightwing: *turns him back* Even though you're just as bad, insulting people I don't like is a surefire way to get turned back.

Lucius: I'll have to remember that. *smirks*
Sirius: Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on,

Severus: I repeat, he is how old?

Lily: I repeat, he is eleven.

Sirius: began wolfing down

Remus: I resent that remark.

Lily: Why?

Remus: ... because. That's why. Werewolves are people too. I don't like how society treats them.

Narcissa: They're bloodthirsty monsters, why shouldn't they be treated like it?

Remus: Well... they're-- they're people most of the time, right?

Narcissa: They're half-breeds! Filthy, dirty half-breeds!
Remus: *tries really hard not to look hurt, but fails*

Nightwing: *notices* Let's just get on with the story, shall we?
Sirius: his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.

All except Nightwing: ... wow. Just wow.

Bellatrix: Eleven years old, and he's still having tantrums like that. This is just sad.
Sirius: Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too,

Peter: What exactly does danger smell like?

All except Peter: *ignore him*

Peter: I said, what does danger smell like?

All except Peter: *ignore him again*

Peter: Hey! I'm trying to ask a question here!

Severus: We know. We're just trying to save ourselves the trouble of thinking of and explanation with words small enough for you to understand.

Bellatrix: Plus, we really don't want to have to deal with your stupidity.

Peter: *sulks*

Sirius: because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today.

Remus: Thirty nine? I hope he's happy with this, this is ridiculous!
James: Yeah, it is, even I'm admitting it.

Sirius: How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?''

Remus: It had better be! This is madness...

Nightwing: *giggles as a movie quote comes into her head* Madness...? THIS-- IS-- SPARTAAAAA!!!!

All except Nightwing: *give her weird looks* Okaaaay....

Sirius: Dudley thought for a moment.

Severus: Uh-oh, are we sure he can manage this?

Sirius: It looked like hard work.

Lucius: Evidently not.

Sirius: Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty ... thirty..."

Bellatrix: Come on, Duddy, it's not that hard. Add the one, cawwy the thwee....

Sirius: "Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.

Lucius: *sneer* Sweetums?

Bellatrix: *snickers* I'll have to remember that one!

Sirius: "Oh." Dudley sat down heavily

Narcissa: Ugh, is he sulking because he still doesn't have enough? Spoiled brat!

Nightwing: *scoffs, just knowing she and Lucius will do the same to Draco*

Narcissa: What?

Nightwing: Oh, nothing.

Narcissa: Why don't you like to tell us anything?

Nightwing: I want to keep some things in the books a surprise for you!

Sirius: and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then." Uncle Vernon chuckled. "Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!"

Remus: And he gets praised for this! There is definitely something wrong with this family!

James: Remus, we've established this. Calm down.

Sirius: He ruffled Dudley's hair.

James: Like this? *ruffles his hair*

Lily: Stop it, Potter, if you ruffle your hair one more time, I will pick it out, hair by hair, until you are BALD! And I'll make sure it's painful!

James: *winces at the thought*

Sirius: At that moment the... telly-phone? rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the... great, a whole bunch of Muggle stuff. Nightwing?

Nightwing: You'll be fine, Sirius, most of these are words you've heard. I have faith in you.

Remus, James, and Peter: *cheer him on* Padfoot! Padfoot! Padfoot!

Sirius: *deep breath* racing bike, a video camera, a ... remott?

Lily: Remote. Close, though.

Sirius: Remote, that's what I said. remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.

Nightwing: Yay, you did it! *hugs Sirius*

Remus: Mr. Moony would like to congratulate Mr. Padfoot on proper pronunciation of all the Muggle words except for one.

James: Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that he knew Mr. Padfoot could do it all along.

Peter: Mr. Wormtail would like to register his astonishment that a pureblood could be so good at pronouncing Muggle things. In a good way.

Bellatrix: He's a blood traitor, that's why!

Sirius: Mr. Padfoot would like to thank the other three, and wishes his cousin would kindly shut up. Anyway... He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch

Lucius: Ugh, gold. Why not silver?

Severus: Are you saying you want our House colors wasted on a filthy Muggle?

Lucius: Point taken.

Sirius: when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.

James: Yes!

Lily: How is that a good thing?

James: Anything that makes Petunia upset must mean something good's about to happen to Harry.

Lily: Oh. Let's see what it is! *sits on the edge of her beanbag chair in anticipation*

Sirius: "Bad news, Vernon,"

James: Bad news for them is good news for us!

Remus: We've established that from your last interruption. Continue, Padfoot.

Sirius: she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg.

Lily: Oh, the poor woman! I take it back how that's a good thing.

Bellatrix: You do? I take it as a very good thing. A Muggle is in pain! What could possibly be better?

Lily and Nightwing: *death glares*

Sirius: She can't take him." She jerked her head in Harry's direction.

Remus: You know, he has a name.

Nightwing: Yeah! It's Harry! Har-ry, got it memorized?

Sirius: As a muse, I would like to once again apologize. Nightwing needs her random Kingdom Hearts references, else she doesn't function properly. Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap.

Lily: Harry! That's not very nice!

Sirius: Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants, or the movies.

Remus: How do you spend an entire day at a hamburger restaurant? All you do there is eat!

Lucius: You doubt the boy's ability to do that after what you've heard so far?

Remus: Right.

Sirius: Every year, Harry was left behind

Lily: *grumbles under her breath*

Sirius: with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there.

James: Okay, now he has a reason.

Lily: Hold it. Why does he hate it there?

Sirius: Because The whole house smelled of cabbage

All except Peter: Eewww...

Peter: I like cabbage.

Severus: Pettigrew, you like anything edible.

Peter: Oi! At least cabbage is healthy!

Severus: Are you sure you can stand up to me without your big, strong friends to take care of you?
Peter: L-leave me alone!

Nightwing: Leave him alone, Snivellus. I don't want violence in my MST.

Severus: Since when do you stick up for him?

Nightwing: ... good question.

Sirius: and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned. Ew, cats!

Remus: I hate cats, too, Padfoot.

Lily: Aww, I like them! You don't hate Snowball, do you, Remus?

Remus: Well...

James: Lily, there's no way around it. Your cat is Satan incarnate, and he loves clawing and biting us half to death.

Lily: I was asking Remus, not you.

Remus: Um... I agree with James. Sorry.

Lily: .... Hmph.

Sirius: "Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this.

Lily: Excuse me? My son would not plan for an innocent woman to break her leg, no matter how awful she is!
Severus: With Potter for a father? I doubt it.

Lily: *glares at James*

James: What?! I wouldn't plan something like that!
Lily: Fine. But I'm watching you.

Sirius: Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg,

Lily: Good boy. *beams*

Sirius: but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Mrs. Figg's dirty pictures--

Bellatrix: Sirius, if you're not going to read the words on the page, don't read at all!
Sirius: *grins* Make me.

Bellatrix: *whips her wand out*

Nightwing: The room. Is. Spellproofed. Why aren't you people getting that?

Sirius: *smirks, and reads ahead for a second* Merlin, these are awful names. Even for a demon cat.

Lily: Cats are not demonic!

James: *quickly avoiding a fight between Sirius and Lily* And they are?

Sirius: Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty

All except Lily: *are silent for a moment, then burst out laughing*

Lily: *indignantly* I like Snowy!

Severus: Yes, well, your cat's name is Snowball. There's a similarity.

Remus: And you really must admit, the others are downright pathetic.

Lily: Yes, I agree with you there. Especially Mr. Paws.

All: *laugh again*

Sirius: again. "We could phone Marge,"

Lucius: Are all Muggle names this bad? I mean, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Marge... and don't get me started on those cats.

Nightwing: Not all Muggle names are this bad. I mean, there are plenty of wizards with Muggle names that really aren't that bad.

Bellatrix: Are they all Mudbloods?

Nightwing: No, actually. Remus, James, and Peter all have Muggle names, and they're not all bad.

Severus: I beg to differ.

Remus, James, and Peter: Hey!

Nightwing: And Lucius is actually a Muggle name, too.

Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Severus: *look at Lucius and burst out into some very cruel laughter*

Lucius: ... that's it. I'm changing my name.

Nightwing: Change it to Betelgeuse!

Narcissa: What is it with you and that name?

Nightwing: Nothing, nothing at all. *hums the theme from Beetlejuice again while Sirius reads*

Sirius: Uncle Vernon suggested.

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

Remus: So do they, but they put up with him.

Lily: And what on Earth is their aversion to calling Harry by his name?

Sirius: The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this,

Lily: Why am I not surprised?

as though he wasn't there--

Gryffindors: Gits.

Sirius: or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a

Severus: Gryffindor.

Lucius: Good one, Severus!

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *snicker*

Gryffindors: Oi!

Sirius: slug.

Slytherins: Booooring....

Sirius: "What about what's-her-name, your friend-- Yvonne?"

Lily: Is she still around? God, I thought their friendship would last all of two months!

James: Any particular reason?

Lily: You know the type. The girls whose only connection is verbally attacking people behind their backs, including each other.

Marauders and Nightwing: *shudder*

Sirius: "On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.

Peter: Oh, Majorca!

James: You've heard of it?

Peter: No, but it sounds very nice.

Remus: Actually, back in 1629....

Sirius: AHHH, EVIL MUFFINS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!

All: *give Sirius extremely weird looks*

Nightwing: Padfoot, what in the name of J.K. Rowling was that about?

Sirius: I was just trying to shut Moony up. *smiles innocently*

Nightwing: ... right.... just keep reading.

Sirius: You got it. "You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully

James: How well d'you reckon that'll go over?

Lily: Not well.

Sirius: (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer). Has anyone else noticed how good I'm getting at reading these Muggle words?

Remus: Yes. Good job, Padfoot.

Bellatrix: Not that anyone actually cares.

Sirius: I care, and I think I'm doing a wonderful job of reading them.

Nightwing: Yeah, no one cares what you think, Trixie. Good job, Sirius. Here's a cookie! *tosses him a dog biscuit she conjured out of nowhere*

Sirius: *bolts it down hungrily*

Lily and Slytherins: *look disgusted*

Sirius: *finishes his biscuit* Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a

Severus: Cyanide pill.

Lucius: Erumpet horn.

Bellatrix: Cauldronful of poison

Narcissa: Bucket of doxie eggs.

Nightwing: *flicks fireballs at the Slytherins* Stop being so violent!

Sirius: lemon.

Slytherins: Booooring.

Sirius: "And come back and find the house in ruins?"

Bellatrix: Please. He's just a pathetic eleven year old. Now, us Death Eaters, on the other hand....

Slytherins: *identical evil grins*

Lily: Okay, they're really starting to freak me out.

Sirius: she snarled. "I won't blow up the house," said Harry,

Bellatrix: No, like I said, he's just a wittle bitty baby.

Sirius: Stop doing that.

James: Actually, some of the accidental magic kids do before they get their letters can be pretty violent.

Remus: Speaking from experience, Prongs? *snickers*

James: ... I plead the fifth.

Lily: Doesn't that only work if you're American?

James: ... *has the good sense to stay silent*

Sirius: but they weren't listening.

Lily: Of course not. Why should they listen to my son?

Sirius: "I suppose we could take him to the zoo,"

James and Lily: YES!

Sirius: said Aunt Petunia slowly, "... and leave him in the car...."

James and Lily: NO!

Peter: What's a car?

All except Peter: *ignore him*

Sirius: "That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone...."

Narcissa: Are they still scared that he's powerful enough to blow things up?
James: .....

Nightwing: Okay, now I'm curious. What did you do?

James: *sighs resignedly* When I was about six, my dad had this pet Fwooper that I really wanted to hear sing, because I was a stupid little kid and I didn't know Fwooper song made you go mad. Anyway, I kept saying I wanted to hear it sing, and my dad said no, and I got so upset... I made the bird explode.

All: *silence, then burst out laughing, even James*

Sirius: Dudley began to cry loudly.

Severus: Why is this boy so opposed to acting his age?

Sirius: In fact, he wasn't really crying--

Peter: Then why did it say he was?

Sirius: it had been years since he'd really cried--

Peter: But it said he was crying!

Bellatrix: Pettigrew, if you don't stop interrupting every time you hear something your tiny little brain can't comprehend, we'll never get out of here, so will you SHUT UP before one of us makes you?!

All: *silence*

Peter: *looks like he's about to cry*

Sirius: *stands up suddenly, wand drawn* Apologize right now!

Bellatrix: Make me! You can't curse me in here.

Sirius: I don't need to, I'll just-- just--

Bellatrix: You'll what? Just stutter at me? I'm terrified.

Remus: Guys! Can we just stop fighting and continue with the book?

Sirius: *sits back down, fuming*

Nightwing: *when none of the Marauders are looking, mouths "nice one" to Bellatrix*

Bellatrix: *smirks*

Sirius: but he knew that if he screwed anything that moved,

All except Sirius: SIRIUS! *or* BLACK!

Sirius: All right, all right... up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.

Lucius: Spoiled brat.

Nightwing: *under her breath* You're one to talk.....

Sirius: "Dinky Duddydums,

All: ... *crack up*

Bellatrix: I know we already said Muggle names are horrible, but... *can't finish because she's laughing too hard*

Sirius: don't cry,

Peter: He's not crying!

Sirius: Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.

James: ... wow....

Sirius: "I... don't... want... him... t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp- spoils everything!"

James: My son? Yeah, right!

Lily: Why must your ego be so big?

Sirius: He shot Harry a

Bellatrix: Cruciatus Curse

Sirius: nasty grin

Bellatrix: Boring....

Sirius: through the gap in his mother's arms.

Remus: Git.

James: A Slytherin through and through.

Severus: Why is anyone you lot don't like automatically stuffed into our House?

Narcissa: I know! As if we'd ever let a Muggle in.

Bellatrix: Its bad enough we let halfbloods in.

Severus: ....

Lucius: Oh, you're all right, Severus. It's just, some of the others....

James: I'm sorry, were you just saying it's bad that we do that?

Sirius: Just then, the doorbell rang--

Peter: Ding dong!

Nightwing: You're the ding dong.

Peter: I don't even know what that means, but I know you just insulted me.

Nightwing: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a genius in the room.

Sirius: "Oh, good Lord,

Lucius: Don't you mean Dark Lord?

Narcissa: *shakes her head hopelessly* Muggles....

Sirius: they're here!"

Peter: They're there!
Nightwing: They're EVERYWHERE! *psychotic laughter*

All except Nightwing: *are rather frightened*

Sirius: Okaaay, then... said Aunt Petunia frantically-- and a moment later, Dudley's best friend,

Lily: Who'd want to be friends with him?

Lucius: You know, surprisingly, I agree with you, Mudblood.

James: Don't call Lily a Mudblood!

Lucius: I just did. And I've done so before that.

James: Yeah, well... don't do it!

Lucius: *smirks*

Sirius: Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.

Peter: They say that like it's a bad thing!

Remus: Peter, it usually is.

James: Except with you. You're our mate, right, Wormy?

Peter: Right!

Nightwing: *gives Peter a very, very evil look*

Peter: Why do you keep doing that?

Nightwing: *expression doesn't change* Looking like a rat's a bad thing on you, too.

Remus: I must say, this is getting rather ridiculous. Why do you hate Peter?

Nightwing: You'll see once we get to book three. Until then, stop asking, because I'm not going to tell you. So nyah.

Sirius: He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.

Lucius: Nott's job. Or Crabbe's.

Narcissa: I thought that Mulciber kid did it, sometimes, too.

Lucius: Usually it's Nott.

Narcissa: Yes it is, I've seen him at it!

Lucius: I meant Nott, as in Theodore Nott, Cissa.

Narcissa: .... oh.

Sirius: Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.

Lily: Of course he did. Wouldn't want to appear younger than he is in front of his friends, would he?

Sirius: Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting

Bellatrix: Victoriously on top of all four Muggles' smoldering corpses.

Sirius: in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley,

Bellatrix: Wait, this is supposed to be a good thing?

on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.

Lily: Aww! *beams* I love when my son's happy.

James: I think we should take him to the zoo when he's born, so this won't be his first time.

Lily: Of course we should!

Sirius: I think we should keep you two from dying.

James: That would definitely work, too.

Sirius: His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him,

Severus: Kill him?

Lily: There will be no killing of my son, thank you very much!
Severus: We'll see about that.

Lily: Nightwing?

Nightwing: You got it! *turns Severus into a donkey*

Severus the Donkey: ... I hate you, Lily.

Nightwing: *cough* no you don't *cough*

Sirius: but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.

Bellatrix: And killed him.

Nightwing: *gets ready to turn her into a donkey, too*

Bellatrix: I'm sorry, this book makes it far too easy!

Sirius: "I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face

Peter: That takes skill. How many Muggles do you know who can manage to turn themselves purple without paint?

Lily: I know one.

Peter: Who?

Lily: Vernon Dursley. Also known as this guy.

Sirius: right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy-- any funny business,

James: Harry, best put away all your Dungbombs and Whizzing Worms, you're not allowed to do anything funny.

Sirius: anything at all-- and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."

Lily: When exactly does this part of the story take place?

Nightwing: I don't really know, but I think it's somewhere in the summer.

Lily: *growls* PETUNIA!!!

Sirius: "I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly...."

Severus the Donkey: You don't know that. Accidental magic can be pretty unpredictable at that age.

James: Oh, ye of little faith....

Nightwing: *changes Severus back*

Severus: Any particular reason for the sudden change?

Nightwing: You'll see in a bit.

James: *worried* He wasn't right, was he?

Nightwing: Maaayyybe....

Severus: *looks smug*

Sirius: But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.

Bellatrix: *mockingly* Awww, poor wittle baby.

Sirius: Stop doing that! The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry

Remus: That depends on your definition of strange.

Sirius: and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.

Lily: *looks like she's going to kill Petunia. Again.*

James: Gits. Evil, twisted, closed-minded gits.

Sirius: Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers'

Nightwing: *eyes light up* Barbers? *singing* There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and he was naïve....

All except Nightwing: *blank stares*

Nightwing: Okay, how about this? *singing a different song* You sir! How about a shave? Doo doo doo doo! Come and visit your good friend Sweeney! Who, sir? You sir? Welcome to the grave! I will have veeeengance! I will have salvaaaation! Who, sir? You, sir? No one's in the chair, come on, come on! Sweeney's waiting! I want you bleeders. You, sir! ANYBODY! Gentlemen, now don't be shy!

All except Nightwing: *rather frightened stares*

Lucius: ... Whoever this Sweeney character is, I don't much fancy getting shaven by him.

Nightwing: Probably a good thing, seeing as he slits all his customers' throats. Then his neighbor, who is also crazy, bakes them into meat pies! *nods perkily*

Remus: As a muse, I would like to apologize for her random dive into her new Sweeney Todd obsession. This was almost entirely for her word count.

Sirius: Right, then, moving swiftly on... looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald

Bellatrix: *snickers loudly*

James: *partly as Harry* It grows this way!

Sirius: except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar."

Bellatrix: *snickers even more loudly*

James: Okay, even I'm going to admit that must have looked stupid.

Sirius: Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry,

James: Git.

Remus: Okay, how many times have you said that?

James: I can't help it! The kid's one of the most foul, loathsome evil little gits I've ever heard of! How'd my son end up with him?

Severus: Weren't you paying attention, Potter? You died.

Sirius: who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day,

Remus: Poor thing.

where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses.

Lily: Which is ENTIRELY MY ROTTEN SISTER'S FAULT!!!

James: And her son.

Lily: AND HER ROTTEN SON!

Nightwing: Lily, please stop talking in all caps. It's hurting everybody's ears.

Sirius: Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.

Peter: Gotta love that accidental magic!

Remus: *nods in approval* Hair Growth. Impressive for an eleven-year-old.

Sirius: He had been given a week in his cupboard for this,

Lily: *looks as though she's going to explode again, but takes a deep breath* He had better have been fed properly....

James: *bitterly* Somehow, I doubt it.

Lily: Grrr....

Sirius: *reads quickly so Lily doesn't freak out* even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.

Lucius: Magic, of course!
Severus: But they don't know that.

Lucius: Ah, of course.

Sirius: Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him to be her sex slave....

Nightwing: Sirius Orion Black, read the words on the page or you will suffer the consequences!

Sirius: ... yes, ma'am.... into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls)--

Narcissa: Ugh, revolting is right! No one deserves that kind of torture!

Sirius: The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet,

Nightwing: I love hand puppets!

All except Nightwing: *give her weird looks*

Sirius: but certainly wouldn't fit Harry.

Severus: Surely it would have been a perfect fit somewhere along the way, wouldn't it?

Bellatrix: Some people just don't think. Or are Muggles.

Lucius: Aren't the two interchangeable?

Bellatrix: True.

Lily and Nightwing: ....

Sirius: Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash

Remus: When it was the same size as always when she first tried to make him wear it? Honestly, this woman really doesn't think!

Sirius: and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.

Lily: Oh, good! *beams*

Sirius: On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens.

Peter: How on Earth did that happen?

James: He flew, of course!

Remus: Without a broom?

James: It could happen....

Sirius: Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual

Peter: Gits.

Severus: Pettigrew's insulting someone all by himself!

Lucius: First time for everything.

Peter: *stutters for a minute* I don't need Sirius, James, and Remus behind me for everything!

Bellatrix: Too bad you can't do anything without them outside this room.

Peter: Yeah? Well... well... well, just watch me!

Narcissa: We're terrifed, Pettigrew.

Sirius: when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.

Lily: *in shock* That's Apparition! He Apparated before his first year! Is that even possible?

James: No, which is why I said he flew.

Remus: Either way, it's quite impressive.

Sirius: The Dursleys had received a very angry

Lily: Angry? Why should they be angry? He can Apparate before his first year!

Sirius: letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings.

Lily: *practically crying with pride* He didn't climb, he Apparated! Before his first year!

Narcissa: *to Bellatrix* How many times has she said that now?

Bellatrix: Three. Ugh.

Sirius: But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard)

James: This is child abuse, it is! Why does Harry always have to be locked in the bloody cupboard!

Lily: I know! If he were still with us, he'd have been praised, because he--

All except Lily: WE KNOW, LILY! *or* WE KNOW, EVANS!

Sirius: was jump behind the big trash cans outside the kitchen doors.

Lily: But instead, he Apparated! *beams*

Sirius: Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid- jump.

Lily: It didn't, though! You were sufficiently deliberating, determined, and concentrating on your destination, and you Apparated! *beams*

Slytherins: *about ready to kill her if she doesn't shut up*

Sirius: But today, nothing was going to go wrong.

Lucius: I highly doubt that.

Sirius: It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers

Bellatrix: Nothing is worth being with two Muggles. Nothing.

James: When it's these two Muggles, I actually agree with you.

Sirius: to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.

Remus: Those are the only places he's ever been to? That's awful!

Lily: My poor baby!

Sirius: While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia.

James: Great, we get to listen to the git complain for the next hour....

Nightwing: Actually, it gets cut blissfully short.

Marauders: *sighs of relief*

Sirius: He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects.

Peter: Hang on a bit, Padfoot, I think he forgot to mention Harry.

Sirius: This morning, it was motorcycles. *makes a sound like a whining dog* "... roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums,".... I AM NOT A HOODLUM!

Severus: I beg to differ.

Sirius: Shut up, Snivellus. he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.

"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. Too right, you did Harry! My motorcycle!

Lily: Will you just read, Black?

Sirius: "It was flying." *beams* Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front.

Slytherins: DIE!

Sirius: He turned right around in his seat

Remus: Now he's going to crash again because he's not watching where he's going. What an idiot.

Sirius: and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache:

All: Eeeewwww.....

Sirius: "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!" YES, THEY DO!!! MINE DOES!!! Dudley and Piers sniggered.

James: Gits. Don't make fun of my son!

Sirius: "I know they don't," Yes, they do! I have one that flies!

Remus: Not yet, you don't.

Sirius: But I will! said Harry. "It was only a dream." But he wished he hadn't said anything.

James: Good thinking. If I were treated like him, I'd have taken a vow of silence long ago.

Lily: Petunia would like that.

James: Then never mind.

Sirius:If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his

Severus: His very existence, does it really need to say?

Sirius: talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon--

Narcissa: Merlin's beard, they're really against magic, aren't they?

Bellatrix: You're just realizing that?

Sirius: they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.

Remus: We should try that with you two. *points to Sirius and James*

Sirius and James: Oi!

Sirius: It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families.

Lily: Aww, how must that make Harry feel?

Peter: What?

Lily: Think about it. All these loving families around, and poor Harry has no one.

Gryffindors: Aww, poor thing....

Slytherins: Gryffindors...

Sirius: The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance

James: And nothing for Harry. Typical.

Sirius: and then, because the

Lucius: Chimaera hiding in the bushes devoured all of them whole, their day at the zoo was cut short. And so were their lives, for that matter.

Nightwing: Enough with the chimaeras!

Sirius: smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away,

James: Wait, what? Yes!

Sirius: they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.

James: Figure they get him something worse than the others...

Sirius: It wasn't bad, either,

James: Oh, well, that's all right then!

Sirius: Harry thought, licking it as they watched a

Lucius: Chimaera rampage through the grounds and devour every Muggle it set eyes on before he got eaten, too.

Nightwing: ...

Sirius: gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.

All: *laugh*

Nightwing: BURN!

Sirius: Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.

Remus: The operative word here would be morning.

Peter: What?

Remus: This won't end well.

Sirius: He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys

Remus: Smart move.

Sirius: so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime,

Gryffindors: Typical.

James: Gits.

Sirius: wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.

Lily: *dangerously* If they even dare....

Sirius: They ate in the zoo restaurant,

Peter: *eyes light up at the mention of food*

All except Peter: *roll eyes*

Sirius: and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top,

Lucius: Spoiled brat. What a stupid thing to have a tantrum over.

Sirius: Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.

James: Wow, that was surprisingly nice of him.

Remus: This won't last.

James: Pessimist.

Remus: Maybe, but I'm a safe pessimist.

Sirius: Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.

Remus: See? Something bad will happen. I was right.

James: *annoyed* 'Course you are, you're always right.

Remus: *looks all superior*

Sirius: After lunch they went to the reptile house.

Bellatrix: Oh, look, they're going to see our mascot

Slytherins: *grin*

Gryffindors: *roll eyes*

Sirius: It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls.

Remus: We know what a reptile house looks like.

Lucius, Sirius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: I don't.

Remus: You don't?

Bellatrix: No, we were never taken to the zoo.

Narcissa: Too many Muggles.

Lucius: I'm actually quite thankful for it.

Bellatrix and Narcissa: Hear, hear!

Sirius: ....

Bellatrix: Oh, but of course Sirry always wanted to go so he could talk to the Muggles and disgrace himself further.

Sirius: ... shut up, Bellatrix. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes

Slytherins: Hooray for snakes!

Sirius: were crawling and slithering

Slytherins: Yes?

Lily: It said slithering, not Slytherin.

Slytherins: So?

Sirius: over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons.

Marauders: Typical.

Lucius: There are actually plenty of deadly snakes that aren't that large.

Nightwing: Yeah! A Western diamondback rattlesnake, for example--

Sirius: *cuts her off by reading loudly* Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around

James: All the Dursleys and Piers, and rid my son of the horrible evil.

Lily: I don't know whether to be annoyed or grateful for your violence towards my Satanic sister.

James: Go with grateful

Lily: ... right....

Sirius: Uncle Vernon's car

James: With all the Dursleys and Piers inside, and rid my son of their horrible evil

Sirius: and crushed it into a trash can--

James: It'd serve them right.

Sirius: but at the moment it didn't look in the mood.

James: *disappointed* Aw....

Sirius: In fact, it was fast asleep.

Severus: How could he tell? They don't even have eyelids!

Lucius: Apparently they do now.

Sirius: Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass,

James: Which immediately disappeared, causing Dudley to fall forward into the tank and get eaten by the snake.

Remus: Well, the chapter is called the Vanishing Glass....

James: Exactly.

Sirius: staring at the glistening brown coils.

Lucius: Why brown? Snakes should be green and silver.

Bellatrix: *grinning* At Hogwarts they are.

Lucius: *also grinning* True.

Sirius: "Make it move," he whined at his father. *snickers*

Remus: *rolls his eyes* Just because it says "make it move" doesn't mean he wants his dad to make that move.

Nightwing: Seriously, Sirius, that's sick.

Sirius: Why thank you. *beams* Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass,

James: Did it vanish yet?

Sirius: but the snake didn't budge.

Narcissa: That's what you get for trying to annoy our mascot!

Sirius: "Do it again," Dudley ordered.

Bellatrix: Don't you dare!

Sirius: Uncle Vernon rapped the glass

Nightwing: *rapping again* Yo snakey, wake up--

Sirius: *interrupts her horrible rapping with reading loudly* smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.

Severus: Serves you right.

Sirius: "This is boring," Dudley moaned.

Bellatrix: Then get away from the mascot of Salazar Slytherin, the symbol of purity, an sign that is being fouled simply because you're looking at it!

Narcissa: Why can't the Muggles ever learn?

Sirius: He shuffled away.

Peter: Shuffled... like a deck of cards!

Nightwing: Shut up, Peter.

Peter: Why am I the only one not allowed to make random comments?

Nightwing: Because I'm the authoress and I hate you.

Peter: ....

Sirius: Harry moved in front of the tank

Bellatrix: Ugh! If it's not the Muggle, it's the Mudblood's filthy spawn!

James: Oi! Don't talk about my future wife and son like that!

Lily: *annoyed* Don't talk about me as your future wife.

Bellatrix: What are you going to do about it, Potter? You can't curse me in here.

Nightwing: *looks up at the sky hopelessly* WHY can't we go a page without one of the Slytherins fighting with a Gryffindor?

Remus: This is what happens when our two Houses get stuck in a room together. Sad, isn't it?

Nightwing: You said it.

Sirius: and looked intently at the snake.

Lucius: Avert your eyes, snake! Potter's going to destroy you with his halfbloodedness!

Remus: Don't you think you're all taking this a bit far?

Slytherins: Never! Long live the noble house and mascot of Salazar Slytherin!

Sirius: He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself--

Narcissa: Oh, it wouldn't have been the boredom, it would have been the dirty, Muggle-polluted air.

Sirius: no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long.

Slytherins: Muggles!

Bellatrix: Who's up for a quick cleansing of the London Zoo's Reptile House?

Narcissa, Severus, and Lucius: I am!

Nightwing: Too bad you're going to have to wait until you finish reading seven books, three of which are over seven hundred pages long.

Bellatrix: ... I hate you.

Sirius: It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom,

Lily: *eye twitches*

James: Nothing is worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom. Nothing.

Sirius: where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up;

Remus: Or Uncle Vernon bellowing at the top of his voice, or Dudley trying to pound the life out of you.

James: I repeat, nothing is worse than that.

Bellatrix: *grins sadistically* I can think of some things.

Sirius: Yes, but you're you. at least he got to visit the rest of the house.

James: Oh, very true. Good Harry. Way to be an optimist. *beams*

Sirius: The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes.

Severus: Which weren't actually closed to begin with because they don't have eyelids....

Sirius: Slowly, very slowly, it

Lucius: Bashed against the glass so that it broke and ate Harry.

Lily: *slaps Lucius* Stop killing my son!

Sirius: raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's. It winked.

Severus: THEY DON'T HAVE EYELIDS!!!

James and Lily: *stunned*

James: Is he... is he... Merlin's beard... is he... communicating... with... with a... snake?

Lily: He can't be... where would he learn it?

Sirius: Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't.

James: *darkly* You'd best hope so.

Sirius: He looked back at the snake and winked, too.

Lily: *losing it again* STOP IT, HARRY!!!

Sirius: The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly: "I get that all the time."

James: *weakly* Are you sure it was only a look that said that?

Sirius: "I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him.

James: *squeakily* Hear, understand... it's got it all....

Sirius: "It must be really annoying." The snake nodded vigorously.

James: *squeaks*

Lily: *faints*

Nightwing: *uses her magic laptop to revive her*

Lucius: You know, Potter, I do believe your son is becoming quite a bit more respectable!

James: *glares* Watch it, Malfoy.

Sirius: "Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.

James: Stop--talking--to--the snake!

Sirius: The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.

Peter: Looks like your son needs stronger glasses, Prongs.

James: More pressing issues to deal with here, Wormtail.

Peter: Fine, then....

Sirius: Boa Constrictor, Brazil. "Was it nice there?"

James and Lily: STOP IT!!!

Severus: *to the other Slytherins* They've lost it.

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *nod in agreement*

Sirius: The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo.

Nightwing: Aww, poor snake.

All except Nightwing: *give her weird looks*

Nightwing: What?

Sirius:"Oh, I see-- so you've never been to Brazil?"

Narcissa: Obviously, if it was bred in the zoo.

Sirius: As the snake shook its head, a deafening

Lucius: Growl sounded behind Harry, who turned to see his inevitable doom right behind him. It was a chimaera--

Lily: LUCIUS MALFOY, STOP HAVING CHIMAERAS EAT MY SON!!!

Sirius: shout behind Harry made both of them jump.

Remus: A jumping snake. There's something I never expected to hear about.

Sirius: "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!" Dudley came waddling

Nightwing: Waddling... like a penguin! I love penguins!

Remus: Except it's Dudley.

Nightwing: ...ew. Good point.

Sirius: toward them as fast as he could. "Out of the way, you,"

James: Oi, my son deserves more respect than that!

Sirius: he said, punching Harry in the ribs.

James: And that!

Sirius: Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor.

James: And THAT! *calling as though some Ministry official is going to appear and do something about it* My child is being abused here!

Remus: James, no one can hear you.

James: Damn....

Sirius: What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened--

Lucius: *opens his mouth to say something*

Nightwing: If it's about Harry getting eaten by a chimaera again, we don't want to hear it.

Sirius: one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass,

James: *perks up* Which vanished and got both of them eaten?

Nightwing: *beams* You're half right.

James: Yes!

Sirius: the next, they had leapt back with howls

Sirius and Remus: *howl in perfect unison*

James and Peter: *facepalm*

Sirius: of horror. Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished.

All: HA HA!

Bellatrix: Now our mascot will wreak its havoc on the Muggles and carry out its purpose-- to destroy Mudbloods and Muggles and purify the world!

Sirius: Will somebody please shut her up? The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor.

Bellatrix: *cackles psychotically*

Sirius: People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits.

Remus: Which is where the snake is heading, so wouldn't it make sense to run for anywhere else?

Sirius: As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come.... Thanksss, amigo."

Lily: *faints again*

James: M-my... my son... is... a... a...a....

Lucius: *rolls his eyes* Yes, Potter, your son is a Parselmouth, which means he's actually worth something and bound for our noble House.

James: In your dreams, Malfoy!

Sirius: The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.

James: Join the club!

Peter: Um... guys...?

Nightwing: *sighs in annoyance* What is it?

Peter: Lily's still out cold.

Nightwing: So she is. *revives her with the Authoress laptop*

Lily: ... he can't be a Parselmouth....

Lucius: I just had this conversation with your future husband. He is and when he goes to Hogwarts, he'll be in Slyther--

Lily: *interrupts him by slapping him*

Sirius: "But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"

Remus: Simple, it was an involuntary, accidental Vanishing Charm. Harry must have been upset by Dudley knocking him to the ground.

James: I'm more concerned with where my son learned Parseltongue!

Sirius: The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea

Remus: *watching James and Lily shake* I think I know two people who could use a cup of tea themselves.

Nightwing: I think you're right, Moony. *conjures up two cups of tea, one each for James and Lily*

James and Lily: *drink slowly, still absorbing the shock*

Sirius: while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber.

Narcissa: You'd think they'd never seen a snake before.

Severus: Well, I'm sure they've never been that close to a loose, potentially dangerous snake of that size that was supposed to only be wild in Brazil before.

Narcissa: This is true.

Sirius: As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death.

Remus: Ugh, drama queens....

Sirius: Sounds a bit like the incident with the Willow, doesn't it? I let it slip how to get down the passage, Snivellus gets a glimpse of what's down there, but by the time it gets to Dumbledore, he's been viciously attacked and only just got away with his life.

Severus: *death glare* For your information, Black, it was a very near miss. If Potter hadn't come down trying to save all your skins from Azkaban, that thing would have ripped me to shreds and no one would ever have found what was left of my body.

Remus: *gives Sirius a death glare, too and shudders, knowing Severus is right. Doesn't say anything because he doesn't want anyone who doesn't know his secret to find out*

Sirius: But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"

Lily: *shrieks*

James: *nearly chokes on his tea* Don't remind me.

Sirius: Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry.

Marauders: Uh-oh.

Sirius: He was so angry he could hardly speak.

James: As he well should be! No Potter should ever do something Dark like that!

Sirius: He managed to say, "Go-- cupboard-- stay-- no meals,"

Lily: *eye twitches at the mention of the cupboard*

Remus: Fat man talk like caveman. No use proper English.

Sirius: before he collapsed

Bellatrix: On the flood dead.

Sirius: into a chair,

Bellatrix: Boring.

Sirius: and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.

Peter: Drinking like that can't be good for his health.

James: Are you complaining?

Peter: ... nope.

Sirius: Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later,

Lily: *eye twitches for a moment* PETUNIA, HOW DARE YOU LOCK MY SON BACK IN THAT CUPBOARD!

James: Technically, it was Vernon.

Lily: VERNON, HOW DARE YOU LOCK MY SON BACK IN THAT CUPBOARD?!

Sirius: wishing he had a watch.

Peter: That's what the Accio charm is for!

Remus: Too advanced for a pre-first year, Peter.

Peter: Oh, yeah....

Severus: You mean it's not too advanced for Pettigrew?

Peter: ....

Sirius: He didn't know what time it was

Severus: You know, funnily enough, we could figure that out on our own by the fact that he didn't have a watch.

Sirius: and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet.

James: Only one way to find out, then. What's life without a bit of risk?

Sirius: Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.

Lily: THEY'RE STARVING MY SON!!!

James: Lily, relax!

Lily: DON'T START WITH ME, POTTER! THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO MY SON!!!

Lucius: *quietly, so as not to get slapped again* I think they'll find they can....

Sirius: He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years,

Lily: *eye twitches*

Sirius: ten miserable years,

Lily: *eye twitches more*

Sirius: as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his

parents had died

Gryffindors: *bow their heads*

Sirius: in that car crash.

James and Lily: *stand up in anger* WE DIDN'T DIE IN A CAR CRASH!!!

Sirius: He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died.

Remus: That's probably because you weren't.

Sirius: Sometimes, when he strained hard enough, something would come out of his....

Nightwing: *eyes narrow* I dare you to finish that sentence.

Sirius: *laughs nervously* his memory during long hours in his cupboard,

Lily: *eye twitches*

Sirius: he came up with a strange vision:

Peter: Tapdancing monkeys wearing lederhosen in a vat of butterscotch pudding while a choir of demons played the bagpipes. *pause* That's what I have visions about, anyway.

All except Peter: *give him weird looks*

Sirius: a blinding flash of green light

Lily: Green light? That's the Avada Kedavra! And my son survived.... My son survived that?!

James: Merlin's beard, no wonder he's so famous! No wonder he's called the Boy Who Lived! My son's a miracle!

Lily: My son. He's only allowed to be your son if he does something bad.

James: ....

Sirius: and a burning pain on his forehead.

Nightwing: *singing* Every night a scar is, right in sight a scar is, burning bright a scar is born!

All except Nightwing: *have taken to ignoring her when she sings by now*

Sirius: This, he supposed, was the crash,

Remus: Wrongo.

Sirius: though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from.

Severus: Not exactly bright, is he?

Bellatrix: He obviously takes after his father.

Severus: How true.

James: ....

Sirius: He couldn't remember his parents at all.

Lily: *sob*

Sirius: His aunt and uncle never spoke about them,

Lily: Typical.

Sirius: and of course he was forbidden to ask questions.

Gryffindors: *growl ferociously*

Sirius: There were no photographs of them in the house.

Lily: *still growling* Petunia....

Sirius: When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away,

James: Which should bloody well have happened. *glares at Sirius, Remus, and Peter*

Sirius: but it had never happened;

James: WHERE ARE YOU THREE?!