The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time...

Nightwing: I brought you all in here to read a book.

Sirius: *horrified* A book?!

Narcissa: You said you have important information for us!

Nightwing: Chill, Narcissa. This book, and the ones after it in the series, is about your futures. So they are important information. *picks up the book off the gold pedestal* So, without further ado, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!

All: *silence*

Remus: ... don't most Authoresses leave and appear in the MST as a disembodied voice?

Nightwing: *curses the fact that Remus and Sirius are her Harry Potter muses and therefore know way too much* Yeah, but I like these things too much. I'm sticking around here!

Slytherins (Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix): *groan*

Nightwing: *throws fireballs at each of them and smiles* Such a glorious alternative to the same old- same old zapping thing. Anyway, Bellatrix is going to read first. Because I said so.

Bellatrix: Excuse me?! I refuse to do anything a dirty Muggle orders me to do. *turns into an unusually dark colored donkey*

Nightwing: You were saying?

Bellatrix: Fine! Just change me back!

Nightwing: *sighs and types the necessary thing to turn Bellatrix back*

Bellatrix: *angrily grabs the book from Nightwing's hands*

James: What is it with you and donkeys?

Nightwing: I like donkeys.

Bellatrix: *clears her throat meaningfully*

Nightwing: Right. Sorry, Bella.

Bellatrix: *in a voice that says only too clearly that she wants to get this over with as soon as possible* Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, by JK Rowling... Chapter One, the Boy Who Lived...

Bellatrix: Mr. And Mrs. Dursley

Lily: I know a Mr. Dursley.

Nightwing: *pretending to be curious* Really?

Lily: Yeah, his name's Vernon and he's dating my sister, Petunia. *shudders at the thought of having him as an inlaw* He's absolutely horrible.

Bellatrix: of number four, Privet Drive,

Sirius: Great, now we can stalk them!

Sirius and James: *identical evil grins*

All except Sirius and James: *roll eyes*

Bellatrix: were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Remus: You're welcome.

All except Remus: *raise eyebrows at Remus*

Remus: I was raised to be polite!

Bellatrix: They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

Severus: Something "strange and mysterious" is going to happen to them soon. I can tell.

Narcissa: Like what?

Severus: I don't know, I can just tell from the wording that something will happen.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings,

All except Nightwing: Grunnings?!

Narcissa: What an absolutely horrible name!

Bellatrix: which made

Severus: Poisons.

Lucius: Knives.

Remus: Guns.

James: Assorted objects of a varying and destructive nature.

All except James: *give James weird looks*

Sirius: *dramatic whisper* The most deadly and dangerous thing in the world... muffins.

Lily: You're all so viol-- muffins?!

Sirius: Ohhh yeah. Muffins are evil! FEAR THE MUFFINS!!! *starts foaming at the mouth*

All except Sirius: *edge away from Sirius*

Bellatrix: ... I don't know you. Anyway, Grunnings made... drills.

Marauders: Booooring....

James: Wait, what's a drill?

Peter: Muggle tools used to make holes in things.

Sirius, Remus, and James: Oh. *look at each other* Booooring....

Lucius: Did Pettigrew actually say something intelligent? It's the end of the world as we know it!

Peter: *going slightly red* Shut up, Malfoy.

Bellatrix: He was a big, beefy man

Nightwing: Beef, it's what's for dinner!

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Nightwing: ... never mind.

Bellatrix: with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache.

Remus: I should grow a mustache....

Nightwing: *jumps about a foot out of her egg chair* NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remus: *raises an eyebrow at Nightwing's intense overreaction* Why not?

Nightwing: Just... don't. No mustache. *shudders at the thought of his movie mustache* I can promise, you will look like you have a caterpillar growing out of your face.

Bellatrix: Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck

Sirius: Pity, she sounded quite nice looking until they mentioned her neck.

Peter: If her husband has no neck, and she has twice as much as usual, she should lend him some.

Severus: Pettigrew, how would she lend someone her neck?!

Remus: *buries his face in his hands* Seriously, Wormtail, don't be any stupider than you can help.

Bellatrix: which came in very useful as she spent so much time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.

Narcissa: Lovely.

Sirius: You do it too!

Narcissa: I do not! I don't have time. Do you think it's easy looking this beautiful all the time? *tosses her hair*

All except Narcissa and Lucius: *huge fake coughing fits*

Narcissa: *sulks*

Bellatrix: The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley

All: Dudley?! *burst out laughing*

Severus: That's even worse than Grunnings!

Narcissa: If I ever have a son, I'll definitely name him something better than Dudley. Maybe Draco....

Nightwing: I like the name Betlegeuse myself... *hums the theme from Beetlejuice... great movie*

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Bellatrix: and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

Remus: Somehow, I seriously--

Sirius: Yes?

Remus: *rolls his eyes and pretends he hadn't been interrupted* --doubt that.

Lucius: Especially with a name like Dudley.

Bellatrix: The Dursleys had everything they wanted

Lily: Impossible. They'd just keep wanting more and more.

Bellatrix: Thank you, Evans. But they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that someone would discover it.

Sirius: *without thinking* Hey, sounds like you, Remus.

Remus: *goes dead pale*

James and Peter: SIRIUS!!!!!

Slytherins: *grin evilly to each other*

Lucius: *pulls a green notebook and a quill from his pocket and writes* Lupin... has... dark... secret.... Find out... what... it...is....

Nightwing: *throws a fireball at the notebook so it burns to a little pile of ashes on the floor* Be nice to the poor little w-- well, anyway. Read, Bella.

Bellatrix: They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.

James: Hey, that's my name.

Remus: Really, Prongs?

Bellatrix: Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister

James: *to Lily* You said your sister was dating a Mr. Dursley, so if they got married, Mrs. Potter would be...

Lily: *blushing madly* In your dreams, Potter.

Bellatrix: but they hadn't met for several years;

Narcissa: Aw, didn't they miss each other?

Bellatrix: I wouldn't.... in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister

Narcissa: *to Bellatrix* We should try that.

Bellatrix: I will. *ignores Narcissa*

Narcissa: *hurt* I meant with Andromeda! Dirty blood traitor... how dare she set her sights on a Mudblood?

Bellatrix: *sighs* It's all right, Cissy. We can pretend she doesn't exist, especially after Auntie and Mother wipe her off the family tree.

Sirius: *listens to this conversation and sulks* Andy really isn't that bad...

Bellatrix: You would say that. You're even worse than she is! Because her sister and her good for nothing husband

James: I resent that remark!

Severus: More like resemble it.

James: *glares at Severus*

Bellatrix: were as unDursleyish

Remus: That's not a word!!!

Sirius: Thank you, Professor Moony.

Remus: *turns slightly red* I'm not a professor.

Nightwing: *snickers quietly*

Bellatrix: as it was possible to be. The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

Peter: "Get out of the street before you get hit by a car?"

Severus: Or even better, a truck.

All except Peter, Severus, Nightwing, and Lily: *look confused*

Severus: *realizes he just betrayed a bit of Muggle knowledge and glares at Peter*

Bellatrix: The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too,

James: YAY!

Lily: Stop it, Potter. I am not your wife. Why would I marry you?

James: Because you secretly love me?

Lily: *scoffs and looks away from him*

Bellatrix: but they had never even seen him.

Remus: Well, logically, because if they--

Bellatrix: ANYWAY-- This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away;

Sirius: He looked like his father, which made him so ugly that no one had ever looked at him and lived!

James: *immaturely sticks his tongue out at Sirius*

Remus: Children, please.

Sirius and James: Yes Mommy.

Bellatrix: they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.

Severus: I wouldn't either.

James: Shut up, Snivellus.

Bellatrix: When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts,

Lucius: Only a Muggle could write a book and have the story start three pages in.

Nightwing: Actually, this is only the second page.

Bellatrix: Shut up and let me read! There was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

Severus: I knew it.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work,

Sirius: What kind of moron tries to be boring?

James: *fingers his wand* We might have to liven him up a bit, won't we, boys?
Sirius, Remus, and Peter: Right behind you, Prongs!

Marauders: *identical evil grins*

Bellatrix: and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming

James: Chicken.

Peter: Monkey!

Sirius: Muffin. *shudders*

Remus: *raises an eyebrow at Sirius's idiocy* Dudley?

Bellatrix: Dudley

Remus: *smirks superiorly*

Sirius, James, and Peter: *sulk*

Bellatrix: into his high chair.

Lucius: What's a high chair?

Severus: A tall chair with a tray that parents put their babies in to eat.

Lucius: I'm frightened as to how you know that.

Severus: *turns away, slightly pink*

Nightwing: What's the matter, afraid to let anyone know you're a half blood?

All: *silence*

Severus: I--er--my father--READ, BELLATRIX!!!

Bellatrix: *cackles evilly* None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.

Narcissa: Why would they? It's a perfectly normal sight.

Lily: They're Muggles.

Narcissa: Oh. Right.

Bellatrix: At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase

Sirius: Thrill a minute, this, isn't it?

Bellatrix: pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek

Peter: Because he had been transfigured into a chicken.

Remus: It meant he kissed her, Peter.

Peter: Then why'd they say pecked?

Bellatrix: *in a way that screams "surrounded by idiots"* Pettigrew... And tried to kiss

Sirius: His own rear end before realizing that he was so fat that he simply couldn't bend over.

Bellatrix: Dudley good-bye but missed

James: Come on now, he's got to be fatter than that.

Bellatrix: because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

All: Lovely.

Bellatrix: "Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley

Lily: Well, that's no good. Praising him for being a spoiled brat.

Narcissa: Bad parenting. That's very bad parenting.

Nightwing: *under her breath* Look who's talking.

Bellatrix: as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.

Sirius: *singing* Tell me more, tell me more, did he get very far? Tell me more, tell me more, like, did he have a car?

All except Sirius and Nightwing: *give Sirius really weird looks *

Sirius: ... what the heck?!

Nightwing: *snickers evilly* I love being an Authoress and having supreme control over you guys.

Bellatrix: All right, then... It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar

Peter: Ooh, what was it?

Lucius: *pointedly* Maybe if you would let her read, we could find out.

Bellatrix: Thank you, Lucius. -- a cat reading a map.

Peter: Meh, not that unusual.

Lily: Believe me, it is if you're a Muggle.

Bellatrix: For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen--

Peter: I do! It's McGonagall!

Severus: It can't be.

Peter: Why not?

Severus: She's not a cat!

Peter: She's a cat Animagus!

Sirius: That means nothing, Peter. It's not McGonagall.

Bellatrix: -- then he jerked his head around to look again.

Peter: The cat was gone. In its place was a strict woman with a tight black bun and square glasses.

Remus: It's not McGonagall.

Bellatrix: There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?

James: This is just a guess... drills?

Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Nightwing: *snicker*

Bellatrix: It must have been a trick of the light.

All: Riiiight...

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley blinked

Sirius: *pretending to be hugely excited* Oh my gosh, everyone! Did you hear that?! He BLINKED! Wow, this is so exciting! I think I might fall asleep!

Bellatrix: Will you shut up?! and stared at the cat. It stared back.

Lucius: As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Black. This is maddeningly dull.

Narcissa: Yeah, who wants to read about a Muggle?

Nightwing: If you want to get out of here sometime this century, then you do.

Lucius: Point taken.

Bellatrix: As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror.

Remus: What, does he think that if he watches it long enough it'll do a trick?

Peter: Like transforming into our dear Transfiguration professor?

Sirius, Remus, and James: It's not McGonagall!

Bellatrix: It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-- no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.

Nightwing: And denial isn't just a river in Africa.

All except Nightwing: *give her odd looks*

Nightwing: ... never mind.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake

Nightwing: *singing* Shake shake shake-- shake shake shake! Shake your booty!

Lily: *shudders* I hate that song.

All except Nightwing and Lily: *shrug*

Bellatrix: and put the cat out of his mind.

Peter: But McGonagall's a she! And she's not out of her mind!
James: Because it's not McGonagall!

Remus: That's not what the author meant anyway, guys.

Bellatrix: As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except

Sirius: How he had just realized that he had fallen in love with the beautiful cat, and how in the world he would explain this to Mrs. Dursley.

Lily: Black, you are the most mentally disturbed person I have ever met.

Sirius: Thank you!

Bellatrix: a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.

Narcissa: How predictable. He is obsessed with drills!

Sirius: I like my version better. *sulks*

Bellatrix: But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

All: *huge fake gasps*

Nightwing: It's a Festivus Miracle!!!

All except Nightwing: *stare at Nightwing*

Nightwing: ... sorry. I love Seinfeld!

Bellatrix: Right... As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam,

Lucius: What's a--

Lily: It's when a lot of cars are trying to get to the same place at once and none can get anywhere at all.

Nightwing: It sucks. Royally.

Bellatrix: he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.

Severus: What, praytell, do you mean by strangely dressed?

James: *whispering to the other Marauders* What kind of idiot says praytell?

Remus: Snape, that's who.

Bellatrix: People in cloaks.

Lucius: That is not strange.

Lily: It is to Muggles.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes--

Narcissa: What a coincidence-- I can't bear people who stereotype like that!

Sirius: You mean like you do with Muggles and Muggleborns?

Narcissa: *glares at him*

Sirius: *just loud enough so she can hear him* Hypocrite.

Narcissa: *glares harder at him*

Bellatrix: the getups you saw on young people!

Remus: You should be glad they're wearing long robes, what with how short skirts are these days.

Bellatrix: He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.

Remus: Actually, they've been around for centuries, ever since the 13^th Century, when Tytare the Terrible decided that --

Sirius: Moony?

Remus: Yes?

Sirius: Nobody cares.

James: Good impression of Professor Binns, though!

Bellatrix: He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel

Sirius and James: *drum their fingers on the floor*

Bellatrix: *coldly* Thank you. and his eyes fell on a huddle of

James: Chickens.

Peter: Monkeys!

Sirius: Muffins. *shudders*

Remus: ... people in cloaks?

Lily: Is anyone else feeling a hint of déjà vu?

Bellatrix: these weirdos standing quite close by.

Peter: I was close.

All except Peter: *give Peter weird looks *

Bellatrix: They were whispering excitedly together.

Peter: *whispering excitedly* Have you heard? Sirius Black has finally been sent to St. Mungo's!

Sirius: That's not funny, Peter.

Peter: Yes it is!

Bellatrix: No, it really isn't. Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all;

Lucius: Really?! Everyone wears cloaks! It's an unwritten law of wizardkind!

Bellatrix: why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald green cloak!

Severus: I like this man's taste in colors at any rate.

Gryffindors: *roll their eyes*

Bellatrix: The nerve of him!

James: Wearing Slytherin colors in public!

Lucius: And I suppose if he were wearing red, you'd like him?

James: Of course.

Lucius: Gryffindors...

Marauders: Slytherins...

Nightwing: *brightly* Ravenclaw!

Bellatrix: But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt--

Nightwing: Again, denial isn't just a river in Africa.

James: I'll never understand that phrase.

Bellatrix: these people were obviously collecting for something...

Lucius: Who wants to take bets on how far the Muggle will go to ignore magic?

All except Lucius: ....

Lucius: Fine.

Bellatrix: yes, that would be it.

All: Yeah, right.

Bellatrix: The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on... would anyone mind an absolutely HUGE shock?
Nightwing: *snickering* Go ahead.

Bellatrix: drills.

All: *nearly fall out of their seats in mock surprise*

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.

Remus: That's just... wonderful....

Lucius: That's completely irrelevant.

Peter: You use too many big words. It makes my head hurt.

Sirius: *pats him on the head* It's all right, Wormtail. If you ever need a brain, I'm here.

Remus: *incredulously* You're there in case he needs a brain?

James: I would run, Peter.

Sirius: *immaturely sticks his tongue out at them*

Lily: *ignores the idiots* Irrelevant means unrelated, Peter.

Peter: Thanks, Lily!

Bellatrix: If he hadn't,

James: Something interesting might have happened, which would have been the end of the world as Mr. Dursley knows it. *whines* Come on, when does Harry come in?!

Severus: Would you like some cheese with that whine, Potter?

James: *scowls*

Bellatrix: he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.

Narcissa: Not again with the drills! How many times have they been mentioned now?
Nightwing: Five. *at the looks on their faces* But who's counting?

Bellatrix: He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did;

Severus: I've seen owls in broad daylight before. What is wrong with these people?

Gryffindors and Nightwing: They're Muggles!

Bellatrix: they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.

Lucius: I wouldn't look up open-mouthed when any kind of bird was speeding overhead.

All: *gag*

Bellatrix: Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.

Severus: W--

Gryffindors and Nightwing: *without letting him finish his question* Muggles.

Bellatrix: Must someone comment on every sentence in this book? At this rate we'll never get out of here. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning.

Remus: Am I the only one who thinks that that made owls sound like a disease Mr. Dursley was cured of?

Sirius: *as a Healer* Congratulations, Mr. Dursley, you are now owl-free!

Bellatrix: *rolls her eyes* He yelled at five different people.

Lily: I find it highly disturbing that this is what he considers normal.

All except Lily: *nod in agreement*

Bellatrix: He made several important telephone calls

Lucius: What's a... *slowly, so he pronounces it right* telephone call?

Nightwing: It's like the Muggle version of firecalling someone. Except you can't see the other person, and I imagine it's much less exciting.

Bellatrix: and shouted a bit more.

Narcissa: As much as I hate to say it, I think I agree with Evans.

Bellatrix: He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he

James: Ran out of people to shout at.

Bellatrix: thought he'd stretch his legs

Remus: *gasps* He's exercising! The fat man is exercising!

Peter: Must be why he stopped being in a good mood.

Nightwing: Peter, you are so not one to talk.

Bellatrix: and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.

Remus: And here he goes ruining it with fattening food.

Peter: But buns are good!

All except Peter: *huge fake coughing fits*

Bellatrix: He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's.

Severus: I wonder if he'll think of any new ways to call us mad.

Bellatrix: He eyed them angrily as he passed.

Lily: People shouldn't eye each other. It's creepy-- always makes me think whoever's doing the eyeing is checking the other person ou-- *notices James was just eyeing her and slaps him*

Sirius: * snickers*

James: *whacks him upside the head*

Bellatrix: He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.

Sirius: Because they could turn him into the fat cow he now only resembles?

Nightwing: Most likely.

Bellatrix: This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin.

All except Peter: Really?

Peter: Yeah, really? Why not? I thought he said they were collecting for something.

All except Peter: *ignore Peter*

Bellatrix: It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag,

Lucius: Didn't they say he was going to buy a bun?

Nightwing: *singing to the tune of the beginning of Thank Goodness from Wicked* They lied! Save us from the wicked! Shield us so we won't be hexed! Give us warning! Where will they strike next? Where will they strike... next?

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks *

Bellatrix: Were you born without a brain or did it gradually disappear?

Nightwing: I think it just disappeared. Why?

Bellatrix: *rolls her eyes* That he caught a few words of what they were saying.

Lily: Eavesdropping is bad.

Bellatrix: "The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard--"

James: Not when it's about us, Lily!

Lily: *goes red* I'm not a Potter.

Bellatrix: "yes, their son, Harry--"

Lily: *shakes her head hopelessly* I can't believe we had a son.... Ew....
James: *smirks* So you are a Potter.

Lily: *turns scarlet and has the good sense to keep her mouth shut*

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley stopped dead.

Severus: Oh, good, one less Muggle in the world.

Bellatrix: Fear flooded him.

Narcissa: So he drowned?

Lucius: Who cares? So long as he's dead, I don't much care how he got that way.

Remus: It's an expression.

Bellatrix: He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.

Severus: Best idea he's had since we started the book.

Bellatrix: He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his

Sirius: Bedroom, called up the Missus, took of all their clothes and--

All except Sirius: SIRIUS! *or* BLACK!

Bellatrix: office, see Sirius, nothing perverted about it, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind.

Peter: Ha ha, he's scared of his wife!

Bellatrix: He put the receiver

Sirius: What's a receiver?

Lily: The part of a telephone that you talk into.

Bellatrix: back down and stroked his mustache,

Remus: I still want to grow a mustache....

Nightwing: *twitches*

Bellatrix: thinking...

James: *amazed* He can think?!

Lucius: Muggles in general can think?!

Lily and Nightwing: *glare*

Bellatrix: no, he was being stupid.

Severus: Of course he was, he's a Muggle.

Lily: *glares*

Nightwing: *turns Severus into a donkey*

Severus the Donkey: Not again!

Gryffindors and Nightwing: You deserved it.

Severus the Donkey: *sulks*

Bellatrix: Potter wasn't such an unusual name.

James: Actually, my family are the only Potters I know. That doesn't necessarily mean there aren't any more, but....

Bellatrix: He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.

Sirius: He's definetly in denial.

James: Or he's completely mental.

Remus: Probably both.

Bellatrix: Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry.

Nightwing: Denial isn't just a river in Africa.

Lily: I'll nev--OH! Denial--the Nile! I get it now! The Nile is a river in Africa!

All except Lily and Nightwing: *big "oh!" of realization*

Bellatrix: He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

Lily: Both of which can be shortened to Harry, oh smart one.

Lucius: *sneers* What kind of idiot names their kid Harold?

Nightwing: Muggles, that's who.

Lucius: It's still a horrible name.

Sirius: So's Lucius.

Lucius: *glares at him*

Bellatrix: There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley;

Remus: He calls his wife Mrs. Dursley?!

James: I sense some serious--

Sirius: Yes?

All except Sirius: *roll eyes*

James: *pretends Sirius didn't interrupt* tension in this family.

Bellatrix: she always got so upset at any mention of her sister.

Severus the Donkey: As would I, if I had her for a sister.

Lily: *glares at Severus*

Nightwing: Your punishment is over now, Severus. Because I said so. *changes him back*

Bellatrix: He didn't blame her-- if he'd had a sister like that...

Lily: Like what exactly?

James: A witch, I guess.

Bellatrix: but all the same, those people in cloaks....

James: You know, we don't bite... *glances at Remus* ... much.

Remus: *smacks him*

Severus and Lucius: *glance at each other*

Bellatrix: he found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon

Lily: *extrememly sarcastically* What a tragedy.

Bellatrix: and when he left the building at five o' clock,

Peter: In the morning or the evening?

All except Peter: *choose to ignore that*

Bellatrix: he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door.

Sirius: So he's blind as well as stupid, fat, indecisive, and antisocial. We should lend him James's glasses.

James: Then how would I see?

Sirius: You wouldn't, that's my point!

Remus: Actually, James's glasses are meant for his specific perscription, so unless Mr. Dursley's eyes are messed up exactly like James's--

Bellatrix: *interrupting loudly* ANYWAY, "Sorry," he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.

Narcissa: *sniffs haughtily* At least he has the decency to apologize.

Bellatrix: It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.

Nightwing: *squeals* Ooh, my favorite color!
Sirius: At least it's not green....

Slytherins: *glare*

Bellatrix: He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.

All: *stare at the book*

Lucius: Not at all upset? I would have hexed the Muggle to oblivion and back.

Lily: Just for almost knocking you over?

Lucius: Yes.

Lily: Someone has anger management issues....

Bellatrix: On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passersby stare,

Peter: Hey, that reminds me of Professor Flitwick!

Remus: Wormtail, listen to me. The guy is not Flitwick. The cat is not McGonagall.

Peter: But Nightwing said we were all in it, so why not them?

All except Peter: *ignore him*

Bellatrix: "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who is gone at last! *drops the book in shock* Oh, no...

Slytherins: *look horrified*

Lucius: You don't think they mean--

Bellatrix: I do.

All: *silence*

Sirius, Remus, James and Lily: *cheer*

Slytherins: *at the same time* NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter: *tries to look happy and fails*

Nightwing: *glares at Peter, but ends up grinning because the other Marauders are so happy*

Bellatrix: *shakily picks up the book and opens up to where she left off* Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating this happy, happy day!"

Slytherins: Who said it's happy?!

Bellatrix: And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.

All: *give the book weird looks*

Severus: Pettigrew, are you sure helium's the only thing he's on?

Peter: ... no.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot.

James: Who transfigured him into a plant?

Remus: Prongs-- it's an expression.

Bellatrix: He had been hugged by a complete stranger.

Nightwing: *hugs Sirius*

Sirius: *grins at her* Sorry, Nightwing, being hugged by completely strange people isn't the same as being hugged by a complete stranger.

Nightwing: Crap..... oh well! *doesn't let go anyway*

Bellatrix: He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

Narcissa: Why doesn't the Muggle know he's a Muggle?

Lily: Because he's a Muggle.

Narcissa: Oh. Stupid Muggles.

Bellatrix: He was rattled.

Sirius: Rattle rattle rattle rattle...

Bellatrix: Thank you, Sirius. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things

Remus: I thought he didn't approve of imagination.

Bellatrix: which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

Remus: Ah.

Bellatrix: As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw-- and it didn't improve his mood-- was

Lucius: The Dark Mark hovering over what was left of his house.

Severus: His wife and son being slashed to death by a group of men with machetes.

Narcissa: His wife and son already slashed to death by a group of men with machetes.

Sirius: Muffins. Thousands and thousands of muffins covering his lawn and house. *shudders*

Lily: Are all Slytherins this violent or is it just you lot? And enough with the muffins, BlacK!

Sirius: But muffins are evil!

Bellatrix: Moron... the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.

Lucius, Severus, and Narcissa: Well that's boring.

Sirius: *sigh of relief*

Peter: *stating the obvious way too late* Hey, McGonagall's back!

All except Peter and Nightwing: It's NOT McGonagall!

Bellatrix: It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes.

Peter: Were they square like McGonagall's glasses?

All except Peter and Nightwing: IT'S NOT MCGONAGALL!!!!!!

Peter: I bet you five Galleons. I bet you all five Galleons.

All except Peter and Nightwing: You're on!

Nightwing: Do you even have... *does a quick count* 40 Galleons?

Peter: No, but I will when I'm right!

James: Hey, Nightwing, you know what happens, right? Is the cat McGonagall or not?

Nightwing: I'm not telling.

All except Nightwing: *glare*

Nightwing: *smiles so faux-sweetly it reminds you of Umbridge*

Bellatrix: "Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.

Peter: *scoffs* That's never going to work.

Bellatrix: The cat didn't move.

Lily: That's... unusually strong willpower for a cat.

Peter: Not if the cat's Mc--

Sirius: Wormtail, that's really getting old. It's not McGonagall.

Bellatrix: It just gave him a stern look.

Peter: I'm willing to go up to ten Galleons each on this.

Bellatrix: Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered.

Peter: It's normal McGonagall behavior!

All except Peter: *give up*

Bellatrix: Trying to pull himself together

Severus: After being slashed apart by the men with machetes...

Bellatrix: he let himself into the house.

Sirius: That's breaking and entering!
Remus: Padfoot-- it's his house.

Sirius: Oh. Right. Continue, Bella.

Bellatrix: He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

Lucius: We'll see how long that lasts.

Bellatrix: Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day.

Narcissa: How many times have they used that word now?

Nightwing: *off the top of her head* Seven.

Narcissa: Ugh!

Bellatrix: She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter

Narcissa: Ooh, I wonder what they were!

Severus: She was probably trying to get her name changed.
Bellatrix: and how Dudley had learned a new word

Lucius: Murder.

Severus: Death.

James: Blood.

Remus: Magic.

Peter: Homicide.

Sirius: Muffins. *shudder*

Girls: Boys!

Bellatrix: ("Won't!")

Boys: Boooring!

Girls: *more pronounced* Boys!

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley tried to act normally.

Nightwing: Eight.

Bellatrix: When Dudley had been put to bed

Sirius: What, without a girl?

Remus: Padfoot, he's a year old. He's too young for your perverted jokes.

Bellatrix: he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news.

Peter: *as a Muggle newscaster* In other news, 16 year old Sirius Black has finally been sent to St. Mungo's. He currently resides in the ward for long term spell damage, although it is unknown if his mental state is due to a magical incident or if he's always been that way.

All except Sirius: *can't help but laugh, although in the Slytherins' cases, the laughter is cruel*

Sirius: *smacks Peter*

Bellatrix: "And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today.

Severus: Flying is not unusual for an owl.

Bellatrix: Although owls normally

Nightwing: Nine.

Bellatrix: hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight

Lucius: Since when?!

Lily: Since always! They're Muggles!

Bellatrix: there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise.

Severus: As usual.

Nightwing: Not. For. Muggles.

Bellatrix: Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."

Remus: Not much good as experts, are they?

Bellatrix: The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin

Nightwing: *giggles* It rhymes with puffin!

All except Nightwing: *give her weird looks*

Bellatrix: with the weather. Going to be any showers of owls tonight, Jim?"

Lucius: *darkly* You'd better hope not.

Bellatrix: "Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.

Sirius: ... And I was wondering if you'd like to join in the fun! There's a bedroom in the back all ready. *suggestive eyebrow wiggle*

All except Sirius: UGH! SIRIUS! *or* UGH! BLACK!

Bellatrix: Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been

Sirius: Having nonstop s--

Remus: *slaps a hand over his mouth to shut him up*

Nightwing: Sirius, please don't make me up this story's rating because of you.

Bellatrix: I think it's a bit late for that... phoning in to say that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!

James: We have GOT to try that!

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: Oh yeah!

Girls: Boys...

Bellatrix: Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early--

Nightwing: Forgive my American ignorance, but what's Bonfire Night?

Lily: It celebrates the fact that a group of people who tried to blow up Parliament failed. People burn dummies of one of them in huge bonfires. There's also quite a lot of fireworks displays.

Nightwing: Thanks, Lily!

Bellatrix: -- it's not until next week, folks!

Lucius: Apparently, it's the week after this story takes place, Nightwing.

Bellatrix: But I can promise a-- Oh, for the love of Merlin, do I have to read this next bit?

All except Bellatrix: Yes!

Bellatrix: But Sirius will make some perverted joke out of it!

Sirius: Now you really have to read it!
Bellatrix: *glares at Sirius* I can promise a wet night tonight."

Sirius: *bursts out laughing* So-- many-- dirty-- implications! *continues laughing hysterically*

Bellatrix: *gets up and bangs her head against the wall*

Narcissa: ... for the record, you thought of it first.

Bellatrix: *goes back over to the book and glares at her sister* Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.

Severus: Yes! He froze to death!

Remus: Severus-- it's an expression!

Bellatrix: Shooting stars all over Britain?

James: Courtesy of Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!

Bellatrix: Owls flying by daylight?

Lucius: As they're perfectly allowed to.

Bellatrix: Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place?

Lucius: The Statute of Secrecy being broken to smithereens.

Bellatrix: And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters....

James: I wonder why they're talking about me....

Bellatrix: Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good.

Lily: Petunia could never make good tea. It's always either too watery or too strong.

Nightwing: That's... nice....

Bellatrix: He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously.

James: Tension, anyone?

Bellatrix: "Er-- Petunia, dear--

Lily: *nearly falls out of her chair in shock* My sister's name is Petunia, she's dating a Vernon Dursley, and Mrs. Potter is Mrs. Dursley's sister. *blinks a few times as realization hits her, then bursts into angry tears* NO!!!!

James: YES!!! *victory dance, sings the next bit* I married Lily, I married Lily!

Lily: *sobs*

James: *leans over to comfort her*

Lily: *slaps James and pushes him away*

Bellatrix: you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"

Severus: Of course not, they pretend she doesn't exist. *glances at Lily* As would I.

Lily: *slaps Severus*

Bellatrix: As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry.

Lily: *through a sob* Typical.

Remus: Are you all right, Lily?

Lily: Fine. *wipes her eyes* Except that I have to marry THAT. *points angrily at James*

James: You hate me now... but just wait, you'll come around!

Bellatrix: After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.

Lily: *glares at the book*

Bellatrix: "No," she said sharply. "Why?"

Lucius: *as Mr. Dursley* Because she's the only member of the Wizarding community we know, which makes everything unusual that's happening her fault.

Bellatrix: "Funny stuff on the news,"

Sirius: *giggles like a little schoolgirl*

Bellatrix: *rolls her eyes* Mr. Dursley mumbled.

Peter: His wife has entirely too much control over him.

Nightwing: That's the power of women!

Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Lily: Hear, hear!

Bellatrix: "Owls... shooting stars...

Marauders: *grin around to each other*

Bellatrix: and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today...."

Sirius: This from a man who's repeatedly described as a bloody cow?

Nightwing: *brightly* Later in the series he's repeatedly described as a bloody purple cow!

Sirius: Does he give bloody purple milk?

Bellatrix: When the two idiots are done rambling--

Sirius and Nightwing: We're done!
Bellatrix: Good. "So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.

"Well, I just thought... maybe... it was something to do with...

Lucius: For the love of God, stop pausing!

Bellatrix: *snaps* I can't help it, it's in the book. You know... her crowd."

Narcissa: I do wish they'd stop referring to all wizards as the Mudblood's crowd.

Lily: *glares at Narcissa*

Nightwing: Allow me, Lily. *turns Narcissa into a donkey*

Narcissa the Donkey: Not again!

Bellatrix: Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

Remus: That's physically impossible.

Severus: Speaking from experience, Lupin?

Remus: *annoyed* No, I just know it's impossible to drink with your mouth closed.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter."

James: DO IT!

Bellatrix: He decided he didn't dare.

James: Coward.

Peter: Again, his wife has entirely too much control over him.

Bellatrix: Instead, he said, as casually as he could, "Their son-- he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"

Remus: Naturally. They were born around the same time, weren't they?

Bellatrix: "I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something*

Remus: No, Sirius, we do not want to hear about other things that can get stiff.

Sirius: *closes his mouth and sulks*

Bellatrix: "What's his name again?

Lily and James: Harry!

Bellatrix: Howard, isn't it?"

Lily and James: It's HARRY!

Lucius: *sneers* Who names their kid Howard?

Nightwing: Who names their kid Lucius?

Lucius: *glares*

Nightwing: *looks innocent*

Bellatrix: "Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."

James: *angrily* No one did ask you!
Lily: *equally angrily* And I like the name Harry!

Sirius: It's better than Dudley!

Bellatrix: "Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree."

Peter: Yet again, his wife as entirely too much control over him.

Bellatrix: He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.

Sirius: Finally, some action!

All except Sirius: *smack Sirius*

Sirius: ... ouch...

Bellatrix: While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, ALONE, Sirius--

Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: *smirks*

Sirius: .... well, whatever she's doing in the bathroom will be nothing compared to what she'll do when she comes out.

All except Sirius: *give up... for now*

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there.

Remus: Enough with the bloody cat!

Peter: But it's McGonagall!

All except Peter and Nightwing: IT'S NOT MCGONAGALL!
Bellatrix: It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.

Peter: Maybe she's waiting for Dumbledore!

All except Peter and Nightwing: *look around for hard, flat objects to bang their heads against*

Bellatrix: Was he imagining things?

All: No.

Bellatrix: Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?

James: Why is it my fault?!

Lily: And mine?!

Remus: You're the only wizards they know.

Sirius: Lily, did you just admit to being a Potter?

Lily: Wha--no! I just--

James: *grins triumphantly* Yeah, sure.

Lily: *sulks*

Bellatrix: If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of--

James: Chickens.

Peter: Monkeys!

Sirius: Muffins. *shudders*

Remus: *gives his friends weird looks* Wizards?

well, he didn't think he could bear it.

Narcissa: There is nothing wrong with wizards!

Bellatrix: The Dursleys got into bed.

Sirius: *perks up* Finally!

Bellatrix: Sirius, do you have to make everything in this book sound dirty?!
Sirius: But it's so easy and so much fun!
Bellatrix: *growls in frustration* Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly

Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: *smirks* but Mr. Dursley lay awake,

Sirius: Wishing the Missus were awake so he could--

All except Sirius: SIRIUS! *or* BLACK!

Nightwing: This story's only PG-13! Do not make me up the rating so your dirty mind can run free!

Sirius: *sheepishly* Yes, Miss Authoress.

Bellatrix: turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that

Sirius: His wife was in bed with him, and that tomorrow night, they could--

Nightwing: *types a little on her laptop and renders Sirius silent*

All except Sirius and Nightwing: YES! THANK YOU!
Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: even if the Potters were involved

James: Which we're not.

Remus: You don't know that.

James: I'm telling you, it's not my fault!

Bellatrix: there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.

Nightwing: We'll see about that.

Lily: What?

Nightwing: Nothing! Wait until next chapter.

Bellatrix: The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind....

Lucius: I'll have you know that most of us are very different from the Potters.

Narcissa: Thankfully.

James and Lily: *glare*

Bellatrix: He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on--

Remus: Something tells me that that's going to change very soon....

Bellatrix: he yawned and turned over-- it couldn't affect them....

All except Sirius: Riiiiiiight....

Bellatrix: How very wrong he was.

All except Sirius: Knew it.

Bellatrix: Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep,

All: *silence, wait for Sirius to say something*

Sirius: *still under my spell*

James: Um, Miss Authoress?

Nightwing: Ya?

James: Can you give Sirius his voice back? Now that we've all come to expect his stupidity.

Nightwing: You've a point there... all right. *types on her laptop*

Sirius: YES! SWEET MOTHER OF MERLIN, I CAN TALK AGAIN!

Severus: *facepalm* Nightwing, what have you done?

Bellatrix: but the cat on the wall was showing no sign of sleepiness.

Lucius: Enough with the cat already!

Peter: You wouldn't say that if McGonagall was in the room.

All except Peter and Nightwing: For the last time, it's NOT McGonagall!

Bellatrix: It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.

Lily: All right, I'm starting to agree with Peter. That is not a normal cat!

Peter: *beams* Just for that, Lily, you don't have to pay me five Galleons when I'm right.

Bellatrix: It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street,

Severus: Fascinating. Why are we still reading this?

Nightwing: Are you saying you'd like to stay in this room trapped by a crazy fanfic Authoress until the end of time?

Severus: Point made.

Bellatrix: nor when two owls swooped overhead.

Peter: Because it's McGonagall and she's used to owls.

All except Lily, Nightwing, and Peter: IT'S NOT MCGONAGALL!!!

Bellatrix: A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.

James: Which he probably did.

Remus: Apparation really isn't as exciting it's cracked up to be.

Sirius: *grins* I beg to differ.

Remus: Just because you Apparate into the girls' dormitories every night--

Nightwing: Moving swiftly on...

Bellatrix: He was tall, thin,

Sirius: And very handsome, with long dark hair that fell into his eyes in a way that made every girl who took sight of him drool waterfalls. *grins*

Bellatrix and Narcissa: *roll eyes*

James: Sirius, the only thing you were right on is that he had black hair, but it was short and... a bit messy. He also had large round glasses.

Lucius: He was incredibly sexy, with long, white-blonde hair, carried a cane adorned with a silver snake head--

Nightwing: THE PIMP STICK!!!! ... sorry. Continue, Lucius.

Lucius: *eyebrow raised* And was on his way to reduce the Muggles on the street to a mass of bloody pulp.

Severus: The man had a... protruding... nose and a curtain of black hair framing his face.

Sirius: You forgot to mention that your head is dripping in grease, Snivellus.

Severus: *growls*

Lily: I'm so glad you're above all this, Remus.

Bellatrix: and very old

Boys except Remus and Peter: Bugger.

Bellatrix: judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.

Lily: That must be annoying.

Nightwing: It is, sometimes. *flicks her nearly waist-length ponytail over her shoulder*

Bellatrix: He was wearing long robes, a purple

Nightwing: Yay!
Bellatrix: cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots.

Lucius: How... effeminate.

Bellatrix: His blue eyes were light, bright,

Sirius: Hee hee, that rhymes!

Bellatrix: *raises an eyebrow* and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long

All except Severus: *glance at Severus*

Severus: *annoyed* I'm not old, my hair isn't long enough to tuck into my belt, I don't wear purple, my eyes are black, and I would never, ever wear high heeled buckled boots!

Bellatrix: and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.

Lily: Sounds a bit like Dumbledore, actually.

Peter: It does!
All except Lily, Peter, and Nightwing: *glance at each other and sigh*

Bellatrix: This man's name was-- Oh my God!

All except Bellatrix: What?

Bellatrix: Albus Dumbledore.

All: *silence*
Lily and Peter: I KNEW IT!

Peter: *innocently* Does anyone care to pay up early?

All except Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: No way!

Bellatrix: Albus Dumbledore

All except Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *twitch*

Peter: *looks smug*

Bellatrix: didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where

Sirius: Everyone was incredibly antisocial, and would kick him off the street as soon as look at him.

Bellatrix: everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.

Lily: I hate to say it, but I seriously--

Sirius: Yes?

Lily: *ignores him*-- doubt the people on Privet Drive would take kindly to Dumbledore.

Lucius: People in the wizarding world don't take kindly to Dumbledore.

Sirius: No, that's just you, Malfoy.

Lucius: *glares*

Nightwing: The animosity in this room is practically an air quality hazard.

Bellatrix: He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something, and no, Sirius, it was nothing that could be used... *expression turns sour* in bed.

Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: But he did seem to realize that he was being watched,

Peter: We're watching yoooou... we're always watching yoooouuuu....

Bellatrix: because he looked up suddenly at the cat,

Peter: She's watching yooooou... she's always watching yooooouuu....

Bellatrix: which was still staring at him from the other side of the street.

James: Still?! That's one weird cat!

Peter: Don't let McGonagall hear you say that.

All except Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: It's NOT MCGONAGALL!

Bellatrix: For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.

Severus: ... it's a cat.

Remus: It's Dumbledore.

Severus: Good point.

Bellatrix: He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."
Narcissa: Should have known what?

Peter: That the cat watching him was McG--

Sirius: *smacks a hand over Peter's mouth*

Bellatrix: He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket.

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something dirty*

Bellatrix: *cuts him off* It seemed to be a silver cigarrette lighter.

Sirius: What's a cigarrette lighter?

Nightwing: It's a little square thing that, when you push a button, the top flips up and a little flame comes out of it.

Sirius: So it's like the Muggle version of the Incendio spell?

Nightwing: Sure, something like that.

Bellatrix: He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it.

Lucius: Causing all of Privet Drive to instantly burn to the ground, killing all the Muggles who lived there, and making the world a better place.

Nightwing: LUCIUS! Stop being so violent!

Bellatrix: The nearest streetlamp went out with a little

Lily: Snap.

Remus: Crackle.

Bellatrix: pop.

Nightwing: *bursts out laughing*

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Bellatrix: He clicked it again--

Lucius: And it exploded, burning down the entire street and killing Dumbledore, the cat, and all the Muggles.

Nightwing: *sigh* I give up.

Bellatrix: the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,

Lucius: It's called a Deluminator.

Bellatrix: until the only lights left on the whole street were

Severus: The flickering of the match he was about to drop on the gasoline can that had been dropped in the middle of the street by some stupid Muggle.

Lily: Severus! Not you too!

Lucius: What's gasoline?
Severus: *smirking* A liquid that creates a nice sized explosion when lit on fire.

Lucius: *grins* I like the way you think.

Bellatrix: *tries not to grin evilly, but can't help it* the two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.

Lily: How are the cat's eyes glowing if there's no light to reflect them?

Remus: I... don't know.

Sirius, James, and Peter: *huge excited gasps, as if this has never happened before*

Remus: *ignores them* Magic?

Lily: But magic doesn't completely cut out the laws of physics, and it's a cat anyway, so....

Peter: But if the cat's McGonagall...

James: Quiet, Wormtail, the smart people are talking.

Peter: *sulks*

Bellatrix: If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.

Sirius: *grins suggestively* Why doesn't he want to be seen?

Nightwing: Not for any reason that would make your dirty little mind happy, so don't ask.

Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer

Lucius: Deluminator!

Bellatrix: back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four,

Narcissa: Why would he want to go there? They're Muggles!

Lucius: This is Dumbledore we're talking about.

Narcissa: True.

Bellatrix: where he sat down on the wall next to the cat.

Peter: *under his breath* McGonagall McGonagall McGonagall *etc*

Bellatrix: He didn't look at it,

Peter: Well, that's rude.

James: It's a cat.

Peter: It's MCGONAGALL!

Bellatrix: but after a moment he spoke to it.

Peter: Still think it's just a cat?

Remus: No one ever accused Dumbledore of being sane.

Bellatrix: "Fancy seeing you here, -- oh my GOD.

All except Bellatrix: What?

Bellatrix: "Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."

All: *stunned silence*

Peter: HA! PAY UP!

All except Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: *still stunned, fish in their pockets for five Galleons*

Peter: *looks smug as he counts his money*

Nightwing: I told you you all were in these books, so why would you think that other people you know wouldn't be in them, too?

All except Peter, Lily, and Nightwing: ...........

Bellatrix: He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking

James: Understatement of the century. *shudders*

woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes.

James: Yup, that's McGonagall. Wow....

Bellatrix: She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.

Sirius: *sighs* I knew she was a Slytherin supporter.

James: Why else would she always be taking all those points off us? Her own House!
Lily: It couldn't possibly be for all the stupid things you do on a daily basis, could it?

Bellatrix: Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.

Sirius: Ruffles. What a nice name for a dog.

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Sirius: Snuffles?

All except Sirius and Nightwing: No.

Sirius: Come on, work with me here!

Bellatrix: "How did you know it was me?" she asked.

Remus: Well, her Animagus form would be on file at the Ministry, he's known her since she was at school, there's the markings of her glasses....

Bellatrix: "My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."

Remus: ... And that. That's a pretty dead giveaway.

Bellatrix: "You'd be stiff if you'd been

Sirius: Looking at dirty pictures.

All except Sirius: Shut UP, Sirius! *or* Shut UP, Black!

Bellatrix: sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.

Severus: All day? Doesn't this woman have a life?! Why wasn't she at Hogwarts?

Sirius: Watch it, Snivellus, that's our Head of House you're talking about.

Remus: Actually, no, he's got a point.

Sirius: Moony, you're supposed to be on my side!

Bellatrix: "All day? When you could have been celebrating?

Peter: Celebrating what?

Remus: Let's think, Wormtail, maybe the fact that Voldemort's gone?

Severus: You dare speak his name? You dare besmirch it with your filthy halfblood's tongue?
Nightwing: Shut up, Severus, you're a halfblood too.

Remus: And to answer your question... yes. I do.

Slytherins: *glare*

Bellatrix: I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."

Sirius: Ooh, were we invited?

Remus: Chances are we were invited to one, if we're not holding one ourselves.

Sirius: Sweet!

Nightwing: *sighs sadly*

James: What is it?

Nightwing: Hmm? Oh... nothing. You'll find out later.
Bellatrix: Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.

James: Uh-oh, not the Angry Sniff of Doom!
Sirius: That means someone's going to get a lecture, twenty points from Gryffindor, and a detention!

Peter: I wonder what Dumbledore did to deserve this....

Sirius: Transfigured the Slytherins' wands into slugs?

Narcissa: That was you?! I couldn't touch my wand for a week!

Sirius: *smiles innocently*

Bellatrix: "Oh, yes, everyone's celebrating all right," she said impatiently.

James: Here she goes with the lecture.

Lily: You do know that Dumbledore's well out of school, so she can't take twenty points from Gryffindor or give him a detention, right?

Sirius: She'll still give him a long lecture....

Bellatrix: "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful,

Lucius: *irritated* Apparently not.

Bellatrix: but no-- even the Muggles have noticed something's going on.

Severus: I'm sure the Department of Magical Law Enforcement is having a field day, what with all the arrests they'll be making for breaking the Statute of Secrecy.

Bellatrix: It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursley's living-room window. "I heard it.

Nightwing: She's a Peeping Tom!

Lily: No, that's when she looks throught their windows. This is eavesdropping.

Nightwing: Oh. I knew that.

All except Lily and Nightwing: *look at each other and shrug*

Bellatrix: Flocks of owls... shooting stars....

Remus: Courtesy of Messers. Moony...

Peter: Wormtail...

Sirius: Padfoot...

James: And Prongs!

Bellatrix: Well, they're not completely stupid.

Lucius: Of course they are, they're Muggles.

Lily and Nightwing: *glare*

Bellatrix: They were bound to notice something.

Severus and Lucius: The Statute of Secrecy broken to pieces... *sigh*

Bellatrix: Shooting stars down in Kent-- I'll bet that was

Marauders: Us!

Sirius: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew!

James: Masters of magical mischief!

Peter: Up to no good!

Remus: Since 1971!

Bellatrix: Dedalus Diggle.

Marauders: *look disappointed*

Remus: Isn't he a Hufflepuff? A year or two above us?

Sirius: *nods gloomily*

James: At least we know we've left a lasting impression on a fellow classmate.

Remus: Actually, it said she was just guessing at that, she never said it was Dedalus.

Sirius: There's still hope!

Bellatrix: He never had much sense."

Sirius and James: *proudly* Neither do we!

Lily: We already know that all too well.

Bellatrix: "You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."

Lucius: You mean you've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years.

Slytherins: *grin evilly* All hail the Dark Lord!

Bellatrix: "I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. Now, when we use a Severing Charm on your neck, that's a reason to lose your head. *cackles maniacally*

Lily: *looks surprised and disturbed* I didn't even know that was possible.

Bellatrix: *still grinning insanely* You'd be amazed at what you can do when you swear allegiance to the Dark Lord and realize your full potential.

Sirius: You mean when you've gone completely round the twist and become an evil sadist.

Bellatrix: Gryffindors... People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed

Peter: *looks disturbed* Why aren't they dressed?

Remus: Something tells me that wasn't the end of the sentence, Wormtail.

Sirius: *looks proud of himself, and the fact that he's rubbed off on his friend*

Bellatrix: in Muggle clothes, swapping

Sirius: Spit.

Lily: That is positively sickening, Black.

Sirius: *bows*

Nightwing: It's better than some of the other stuff he's said.

Lily: True.

Bellatrix: rumors."

Nightwing: *singing* Have you heard? There's a rumor in St. Petersburg. Have you heard? What they're saying on the street? Hey!

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Bellatrix: She threw a sharp,

Lucius: Knife.

Bellatrix: sideways glance at Dumbledore here,

Lucius: I like my way better. *tosses his hair and glares at the book*

Bellatrix: as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last,

Lucius: A moment of silence.

Slytherins: *hang heads*

Sirius, James and Peter: *make as much noise as they possibly can during the "moment of silence"*

Lily, Remus, and Nightwing: *exchange looks that clearly say, "we are the only normal ones here"*

Bellatrix: the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"

Lucius: Of course not! The Dark Lord will return! The Dark Lord will always return!

Bellatrix: "It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore.

Narcissa: Of course, he hasn't.

Bellatrix: "We have much to be thankful for.

Severus: You have much to be thankful for.

James: Yes. Yes we do.

Bellatrix: Would you care for a lemon drop?"

All except Nightwing: What?

Remus: That was so random....

Peter: I like lemon drops.

Bellatrix: Moving on.... "A what?"

Lucius: Really, what are lemon drops?
Remus: Muggle candy.

Slytherins: *shudder*

Bellatrix: "A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."

Severus: Not surprising.

Narcissa: *sniffs in agreement* He is such a Muggle lover.

Bellatrix: "No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.

Severus: There's never a moment for anything Muggle.

Bellatrix: Unless it happens to be the gruesome murder of a Muggle. *grins evilly*

Severus: I like the way you think.

Bellatrix: *smirks* "As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone--"

Lucius: Which he hasn't.

Slytherins: The Dark Lord will rise again! All hail the Dark Lord! The Dark Lord will rise again! All hail the Dark Lord! *etc*

Marauders and Lily: *look deeply disturbed*

Bellatrix: "My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense--

James: Yeah, some people don't know who.

Bellatrix: for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: *goes pale* Must I-- must I read this next bit?
Sirius: What's wrong, afraid to say your beloved master's name?
Bellatrix: For your information-

Nightwing: Chill, guys. Of course you don't have to say it, Bella. I'll do it for you. *closes eyes and takes a deep, melodramatic breath* Voldemort."

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Lucius: *twitches* A Muggle just said the Dark Lord's name....

Slytherins: *shudder*

Bellatrix: *still shuddering* Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice.

Remus: *laughs and shakes head* Only Dumbledore....

Bellatrix: "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.'

James: Yeah, it's like I said before. Not everyone does know who.

Narcissa: People should just call him the Dark Lord.

Sirius: *disgusted* Not everyone's a Death Eater, Narcissa.

Bellatrix: *grinning evilly* They should be. I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying-- Nightwing....

Nightwing: Voldemort's

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Bellatrix: name."

Sirius: That's because he's Dumbledore.

Lily: *nods* The only one Voldemort--

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Lily: Oh, get a grip-- ever feared.

Severus: That's easy for you to say, Mudblood.

James: *whips out his wand* Say that again.

Severus: "That's easy for you to say, Mudblood."
Lily: Potter, put your wand away. He's not worth it.

James: Fine. *puts his wand away, but is still glaring daggers at Severus*

Bellatrix: "I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring.

Peter: That takes skill.

Remus: Not really. I do it with you lot all the time.

Sirius, James, and Peter: *immaturely stick their tongues out at Remus*

Remus: *looks pleased with himself*

Bellatrix: "But you're different.

Sirius: Yeah, he's Dumbledore!

Bellatrix: Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right,

Nightwing: Voldemort,

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Nightwing: Guys, it's not the last time you'll hear it, so you might as well get used to it.

Severus: You shouldn't be fouling his name with your filthy Muggle tongue either.

Nightwing: Filthy Muggle? Don't you mean... all powerful Authoress? *turns Severus into a donkey*

Bellatrix: was frightened of."

Severus the Donkey: I wonder why he's so terrified of him. He's just an old man. Granted, he's one of the most powerful wizards in the world, but he's definitetly going senile and--

Nightwing: Severus Snape, you're already a donkey. Do not make things worse for yourself!

Severus: Yes, Miss Authoress. *continues to grumble to himself*

Bellatrix: "You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly.

Remus: Really, does he ever say anything not calmly?

Bellatrix: "Voldemort had powers I will never have."

Lucius: Ah, so even Dumbledore admits that his power pales in comparison to the Dark Lord.

Sirius: Don't hurt yourself, Malfoy.

James: Yeah, stop using big words that you don't know the meaning of.

Lucius: I do know the meaning of those words, Potter. Which is more than I can say for you and your little lackeys.

Sirius and James: *draw their wands*

Peter: *tries to look angry, but ends up looking more comical*

Remus: Let him go, it's not worth it.

Nightwing: Yeah, I spellproofed the room.

James and Sirius: *put their wands away, looking disappointed*

Lucius: *smirks to himself* Bellatrix, if you please.

Bellatrix: "Only because you're too-- well-- noble to use them."

Lily: Why does that vaguely sound like she's flirting with Dumbledore?

Remus: Hmm... McGonagall and Dumbledore? Don't you think he's a little old for her?
Nightwing: Who cares about age differences?! You especially shouldn't care about age differences!

Remus: ... okay, then....

Sirius: As one of Nightwing's muses, I'm going to cause a short interruption to apologize to the reader. The Authoress is a Wotcher Wolfie fan. Sorry.

Nightwing: Thank you, Padfoot. Now, on with the show!

Bellatrix: "It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."

James: Hmm, maybe it's not Dumbledore/McGonagall. Sounds like Dumbledore/Madam Pomfrey here.

Peter: Maybe it's both.

All e/ Peter: *stare at Peter*

Nightwing: *bursts out laughing* Dumbledore's a pimp! *can't stop laughing*

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Bellatrix: Professor McGonagall shot a sharp

Lucius: Knife at his head, instantly killing the worst thing that's ever happened to the wizarding world.

Bellatrix: look at Dumbledore, and said,

Peter: "How could you, Albus? I thought what you and I had was something special!"

James: "I'm sorry, my dear," replied Dumbledore. My desire for women hasn't vanished with my youth, I'm afraid."

Peter: And Professor McGonagall forgave him instantly, just because their relationship had blossomed over the many years they'd been together, and she knew she'd be making the biggest mistake of her life by leaving him.

Nightwing: Aww, that's so romantic!

Bellatrix: Yeah. It makes me sick. "The owls are nothing next to the rumors that are flying around.

James: *as McGonagall* "I thought we were keeping it a secret! How could it have gotten out?"

Severus the Donkey: That's getting very old, very fast.

Gryffindors and Nightwing: No, it isn't!

Nightwing: I was going to turn you back, Severus, but since you're trying to stop a very funny running joke, I'm not going to.

Severus the Donkey: *swears under his breath*

Bellatrix: You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"
Sirius: He saw McGonagall and Dumbledore getting it on and was scarred for life?

All except Sirius: *gag violently at the mental images*

Sirius: *looks proud of himself*

Bellatrix: It seemed Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to

Lucius: Attatch to her dagger's hilt and throw at Dumbledore.

Bellatrix: discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold, hard

Sirius: *snickers uncontrollably*

Remus: *facepalm* Just because it says cold and hard doesn't mean-- oh, never mind. You're insufferable, you know that?
Sirius: Yep, and I'm proud of it!

Bellatrix: wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman

Peter: Nor as a man.

All except Peter: *stare at Peter*

Peter: What? It's been too long since I've said something!
Nightwing: No. No it hasn't.

Bellatrix: had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing

Lucius: Knife.

Remus: Why are you so intent on having Dumbledore murdered by McGonagall?
Lucius: Because he's a Muggle-loving blood traitor and he deserves to die. McGonagall is merely a vessel for my longing.

Remus: ... right.... Moving on....

Bellatrix: stare as she did now. It was plain that

Sirius: Sitting here with Dumbledore for this long was making her ready to tear off all his clothes and--

All except Sirius: SIRIUS! *or* BLACK!

Sirius: *sweetly* Yes?
Bellatrix: whatver "everyone" was saying, she was not going to

Peter: Let it change the wonderful relationship they had been carrying on for years.

Severus the Donkey: Shut up, Pettigrew.

Nightwing: Well said, Severus. Well, not why you said it, but as long it stops Peter from talking... you deserve this. *changes him back*

Bellatrix: believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.

James: Aww, is that any way to treat your true love?

Bellatrix: "What they're saying," she pressed on, is that last night,

Sirius: "You and Madam Pomfery had an extremely wild night in the hospital wing! Is this true?! How could you?!"

All except Sirius: *stare*

Severus: I have no reply to the sheer idiocy. Black, you are an utter moron.

Bellatrix: *starts to read, but then realizes something* Nightwing, I need you to say the next word again.

Nightwing: *rolls eyes* Voldemort

Bellatrix: turned up in Godric's Hollow.

James: Hey, that's where I live. *realization kicks in*

Marauders: Oh, no....

Slytherins: Oh, yes!

Bellatrix: He went to find the Potters.

Gryffindors: *turn pale, but none paler than James and Lily*
Bellatrix: The rumor is that Lily and James Potter

Lily: What?! NO!!!

James: YES!!! I knew it!

Lily: I did not marry you!!!!

Nightwing: Sorry, Lils, but you kind of did.

Lily: *sob*

Bellatrix: are-- are-- that they're-- oh, yes! Yes! *cackles maniacally*

All except Bellatrix and Nightwing: What? What is it?

Bellatrix: dead."

All: *silence*

James: I'm... dead?

Lily: *tears streaming down her face* It looks like we both are.

Sirius: *starting to tear up himself* NO! I will not let this happen! There has to be a way to change it! I'll-- I'll kill Voldemort if I have to! You can't die, James, you just... you can't! Who's with me?

Remus: I am!

James: I am!

Peter: ... I am?

Sirius: Good! Now... first things first. We need a Time Turner.... *continues plotting*

Bellatrix: *still grinning* Shall we continue?

Slytherins except Bellatrix: Yes!
Lily: *quietly, still crying* If you must....

James: *puts his arm around her and lets her cry into his shoulder. Surprisingly, she doesn't resist*

Bellatrix: Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

Lily: *sobs loudly*

James: *rubs her back soothingly* Shhh....

Bellatrix: "Lily and James... I can't believe it...

Remus: Neither can I.

Bellatrix: I didn't want to believe it.... Oh, Albus...."

Sirius: I want to make some risque comment on that, but... I can't. James is dead.... It's so...

Bellatrix: Wonderful! *cackles*

Sirius: *stands up and glares at her* SCREW YOU!!!

Bellatrix: Now, now, Sirius, is that any way to treat your dear cousin?

Sirius: As far as I care, we're not related.

Bellatrix: *smirking* Whatever. Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know... I know..." he said heavily.

Lily: *into James's shoulder* At least one good thing is coming out of all this.

James: Even the professors are mourning us?

Lily: I'm not married to you any more.

James: Figures. *realizes she's still letting him hold her and grins*

Bellatrix: Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on.

Narcissa: The crying professors thing is getting ridiculous.

Gryffindors: *glare*

Bellatrix: "That's not all.

Lily: How could there possibly be more?!

Bellatrix: They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry.

James: What?! No! They can't kill Harry! He's only a baby!

Lily: My baby... *goes back to sobbing into James's shoulder*

Bellatrix: But-- he couldn't.

All except Nightwing: What?

Bellatrix: He couldn't kill that little boy.

Severus: We've established this. What we haven't established is why.

Remus: Voldemort has a heart after all?

Sirius: *scoffs* Not likely.

Lily: Let's keep reading to find out what's going on, then.

Bellatrix: No one knows why, or how,

James: Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.

Nightwing: Jack Sparrow quotage!

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Nightwing: ... sorry.

Bellatrix: but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke-- and that why he's gone.

All: *silence*

James: ... wow! My son's a hero!

Bellatrix: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Lucius: *nods* I agree. There must be a real reason he's gone.

Severus: What could it be, though?

Slytherins: *look to Nightwing for the answers*

Nightwing: Later. Keep reading, Bella.

Bellatrix: Dumbledore nodded glumly.

Narcissa: It's-- it's true?! How could it possibly be true? All the filth he's eliminated-- all the things he's done-- and he couldn't kill a baby?

Lucius: It seems like it.

Narcissa: *buries her face in Lucius's chest and sobs*

Lucius: *taken slightly by surprise, but holds her close* Ssh... it's all right, Cissa, he'll come back... the Dark Lord returns... the Dark Lord always returns....

Nightwing: Awww....

Bellatrix: *gags* "It's-- it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall.

Narcissa: *muffled by the fact that she's still crying into Lucius* It certainly seems that way.

Bellatrix: "After all he's done.... all the people he's killed... he couldn't kill a little boy?"

Narcissa: *lifting her head* That's what I said!

Lucius: Are you all right now, darling?

Narcissa: I think so.... Thank you, Lucius.

Lucius: You're welcome. *keeps his arms around her*

Nightwing: Awww!

Bellatrix: It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him...

James: *singsong* My son's a hero! My son's a hero!

Lily: Our son.

James:.... *still singsong* Our son's a hero! Our son's a hero!
Slytherins: SHUT UP, POTTER!

Bellatrix: but how in the name of

Sirius: Sirius Black. *grins*

All except Sirius: *roll eyes*

Bellatrix: heaven did Harry survive?

Remus: I'd rather like to know that myself.

Nightwing: I promise, you'll find out later.

Bellatrix: "We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."

Nightwing: Funnily enough, it's him who tells you what happens later.

Sirius: That's what's maddening about him. He knows everything, he just tends to be all mysterious about it and not tell.

Bellatrix: No, what's maddening about him is the fact that he lets so much filth into our school and betrays so many of our secrets to it. Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles.

Narcissa: *twitches* Not again....

Bellatrix: Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch.

Peter: It was made entirely of cheese, and every hour, on the hour it would jump up and start doing an Irish jig.

Bellatrix: It had twelve hands, but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.

Narcissa: Hey, Bella, didn't we give Regulus a watch like that for Christmas last year?

Sirius: *disgusted* Yes, you did.

Narcissa: Excuse me, was I talking to you?

Bellatrix: He was right, though, Cissy, we did.

Narcissa: You're not helping.

Bellatrix: *smirks* It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said,

Sirius: "We're running out of time, my dear. If we want to have our fun tonight... we'd best get started." He smiled seductively and--

Bellatrix: *reading loudly over her cousin* "Hagrid's late.

Lucius: Hagrid? Well, what more does he expect from that great oaf?

Bellatrix: I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"

"Yes," said Professor McGonagall.

Severus: Well, would you look at that. Hagrid was right about something.

Lucius: For the first and last time in his life.

Lily: Hagrid really isn't stupid, guys. He's just a bit... different.

Severus: Different. Right.

Lucius: Keep quiet, Mudblood.

Bellatrix: "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"

Sirius: Yeah, why is he there? Why would he want to be anywhere near these Dursley people? They have to be some of the most boring people in existence!

Remus: I suppose they'll tell us if you let your cousin read.

Bellatrix: "I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.

Gryffindors: *loudly, but none as loudly as James or Lily* WHAT?!

James: I understand that Lily and I are dead, so he can't live with us, but, of all people, why them?! Why not my parents... or Lily's... or....

Remus: *gently* A lot can happen in eleven years, Prongs.

James: *silence, absorbing this*

Lily: I'd let one of you lot take him in before my sister!

James: Does that mean one of them can be his godfather?

Lily: Absolutely not!
James: Padfoot, what do you say?

Sirius: Definitely!

Remus and Peter: What about us?
James: You're second and third in line after him.

Lily: What part of "absolutely not" did you not get?

Bellatrix: They're the only family he has left now."

Lily: ... well, there's why he doesn't live with someone else in one of our families.

James: *is in shock* Sirius, promise me you'll take Harry in. And if it turns out you're... not around... Remus, Peter, I want him to live with one of you.

Sirius: Of course, mate. I'll never let your son suffer by living with them.

Remus: Nor will I.

Peter: Same here!

Bellatrix: "You don't mean-- you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall,

Sirius: Well, I would assume so, considering Lily only has one sister and James is an only child.

Bellatrix: jumping

Narcissa: Off a cliff.

Severus: Into a pit of lava.

Lucius: Into the waiting jaws of a starving chimeara.

Peter: Into Dumbledore's loving arms.

Bellatrix: to her feet

Narcissa, Severus, Lucius, and Peter: Booooring....

Bellatrix: and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore-- you can't.

Remus: *glumly* I think he'll find he can.

Bellatrix: You couldn't find two people who are less like us.

All: *try to think of two people who are less like McGonagall and Dumbledore*

Sirius: Nope.

James: Can't do it.

Lucius: I'm drawing a blank.

Severus: As am I.

Nightwing: All right, I think it's agreed that Vernon and Petunia are the two people in the world who are the least like McGonagall and Dumbledore. Continue, Bella.

Bellatrix: And they've got this son-- I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.

All: Spoiled brat.

Bellatrix: Harry Potter come and live here!"

James and Lily: I agree!

Bellatrix: "It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly.

Lily: Says who?!

Remus: Says Dumbledore, apparently.

Bellatrix: "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older.

James: Why do I seriously--

Sirius: Yes?

James: *ignores him* --doubt that?

Sirius: Yeah! He's got three godfathers! We'll take him in!

Bellatrix: I've written them a letter.

All except Nightwing: A letter?!

Lily: How could he possibly explain this in a letter?!

Sirius: "Dear Mr. And Mrs. Dursley, your sister and her husband are dead. Here's their son, and we expect you to treat him with love and respect considering he was the one to destroy the most evil wizard of all time. Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore." *pauses* "PS. The kid's a wizard, too."

All except Sirius: *silence*
Remus: That was... kind of insensitive, Padfoot.

Sirius: Yeah, you're right. Sorry, guys.

James: It's all right, mate, we forgive you.

Bellatrix: "A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?

Lily: That's what I said! They won't understand if he explains it in a letter! Or, if by some miracle they do... Petunia hates magic! He has no chance of being respected or-- or loved or--

James: Where in the name of Merlin are you three?

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *look around nervously*

Peter: *squeakily* Dead?

Remus: He's right. You don't know we're alive.

Sirius: But Nightwing said we were in here!

Remus: She included James and Lily in that, too, Padfoot.

Sirius: *is silent for a moment* Nightwing....

Nightwing: For the sake of all your sanity, I will assure you that, as of yet, James is the only dead Marauder.

James: Good. So where are you three?!

Remus: I don't know Prongs, we'll find out later!

Bellatrix: These people will never understand him!

Lily: Exactly!

Bellatrix: He'll be famous--a legend--

James: Wow... my son's a year old and already he's taking over for his all his dear old daddy's dreams.

Bellatrix: I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future

Remus: Happy Harry Potter Day, everyone.

Slytherins: Hmph.

Remus: What?

Lucius: As if we would be celebrating the Dark Lord's downfall. *pause* Temporary as it is.

Bellatrix: --there will be books written about Harry--

Severus: Like this one, for instance?

Bellatrix: every child in our world will know his name!"
Peter: What about the adults?

Remus: I'm sure they will too.

Sirius: I don't know... adults don't really tend to know too much.

Bellatrix: "Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously

Sirius: You called?

Bellatrix: over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.

Sirius and James: *turn their heads to the left and laugh hysterically*

All except Sirius and James: *give them weird looks*

Bellatrix: Famous before he can walk and talk!

Lily: I'm sure he's at least started walking and talking, just a little. He's a whole year old, after all.

Bellatrix: Famous for something he won't even remember!

Remus: I'm sure he'll remember some small detail. It's hard to completely forget something that important.

Bellatrix: Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away
from all that until he's ready to take it?"
Severus: You really must admit, he has a point.

Bellatrix: Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes-- yes, you're right, of course.

Sirius: 'Course he is, he's Dumbledore. He's always right.

James and Lily: *give Sirius very, very evil looks*

Bellatrix: But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be

Sirius: Getting ready to rip it off if Harry wasn't going to be there soon.

Narcissa: And here I thought we were over that joke....

Sirius: Never!

Bellatrix: hiding Harry underneath it.
Remus: There are charms that can accomplish that.

Bellatrix: "Hagrid's bringing him."
Gryffindors: WHAT?!!

Lily: Okay, I have nothing against Hagrid, but I would not trust him to rescue my son!

James: I wouldn't either! What was Dumbledore thinking?!

Lucius: Your son is the Boy who Lived? Well, he may not be living much longer.

Slytherins: *laugh evilly*

Bellatrix: "You think it--wise--to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"
Gryffindors: No way!

Bellatrix: I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.
Remus: Honestly, Dumbledore, that's not a good idea.

Sirius: Yeah, you'll probably end up getting eaten by Hagrid's latest pet. *pause* Although I did quite like Buckbeak.

James: Who?

Sirius: Buckbeak. Hagrid's new baby hippogriff-- he only just hatched a few months ago, and he's the cutest little thing ever.

Bellatrix: "I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,"

Remus: No, it isn't, he's a good man, but....

Bellatrix: said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.

Lily: No, you can't. What if he ends up losing my son? Or letting him get eaten by one of those monsters he calls pets?

Lucius: As I said before-- The Boy Who Lived may not live much longer.

Bellatrix: He does tend to

James: Feed small living objects to the monsters he always has with him?

Remus: Sit on whatever small living objects happen to survive the monsters and crush them to death?

Lily: *starting to get slightly hysterical* KILL BABIES?!

Bellatrix: --what was that?"
Lily: It couldn't possibly be the savage growling of whatever just ATE MY SON, could it?

Remus: Lily, please relax. You're scaring us.

Bellatrix: A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.

Lily: It's the monster growling, I know it! *breaks down into hysterical sobbing*

Bellatrix: It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a

Sirius: Creature, hoping it had already eaten so that it wouldn't eat them.

Lily: *still sobbing* Of course it's eaten! It ate Harry!
Bellatrix: headlight;

Lily: Monsters don't have headlights!

Bellatrix: it swelled to a roar

Lily: *wails and throws herself onto James's chest* It ate Harry and it's still hungry?! How can it still be hungry?!

Bellatrix: as they both looked up at the sky--and

Lucius: They were both instantly devoured by the beast before they could even see what it was.

Lily: *slaps Lucius*

Narcissa: Don't you dare strike my fiance!

Lily: What are you going to do about it? The room is spellproofed and--

Narcissa: *is about to slap Lily and start the catfight of the century*

Lucius: It's all right, Cissa, she's only a Mudblood. She doesn't know any better.

Narcissa: *sits back down, giving Lily such an evil look that Lord Moldy Shorts himself would be running in the other direction*
Bellatrix: a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of
them.
Sirius: *barely containing his excitement* COOL! A flying motorcycle! I want one!

Remus: No way. You are not getting a motorcycle.

Sirius: *puppy dog eyes* Please?

Remus: No.

Sirius: *makes his puppy dog eyes a bit bigger* Pweeeaaaase?

Remus: No.

Sirius: *sulks*

Bellatrix: If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it.

Sirius: Are you sure you weren't just looking at the glow of awesomeness that was surrounding him? That is to say, me?

Bellatrix: He was almost twice as tall as a normal man

Sirius: ... nope, not me.

Bellatrix: and at least five times as wide.

All: Hagrid.

Sirius: Hagrid has a flying motorcycle? *makes a noise that sounds just like a whining dog* Not fair! Maybe he'd let me borrow it some time....

Bellatrix: He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild--

Severus: Fair description.

Bellatrix: long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins.

Lily: *manages to smile through her tears* Aww, baby dolphins!

Boys: *glance at each other* Girls....

Bellatrix and Narcissa: Gryffindor girls....

Bellatrix: In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.
James: A bundle of blankets? What about my son?!

Lily: Eaten... eaten by one of Hagrid's pets.... *sob*

Nightwing: Relax, Lily. Harry's fine. None of Hagrid's pets have eaten him.

Lily: R-Really? Great!

Remus: I think Harry's in the blankets, Prongs....

Bellatrix: "Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"

Sirius: Yeah! I want to find out where I can get my own!

Remus: For the love of Merlin, don't tell him.

Bellatrix: "Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant,

Sirius: *practically quivering with excitement* From who?

Remus: Don't tell him!

Bellatrix: climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me.

Sirius: What?! No way! That's awesome! I have a flying motorcycle! YES!!! *throws his hands up happily, then gets up and starts doing a little victory dance that's a sort of cross between the Hustle and the Funky Chicken*

Remus: *facepalm*

Bellatrix: I've got him, sir."
Lucius: He opened the bundle of blankets, and inside was something that was multilegged, furry, and definitely not Harry.

Lily: *slaps Lucius again*

Bellatrix: "No problems, were there?"
Sirius: I want to say something involving Harry, Aragog, and a couple of manticores...

Lily: *gives Sirius a very nasty look*

Sirius: ... but I'm scared of Lily.

Bellatrix: "No, sir--house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the

Lucius: Death Eaters showed up to finish him off.

Bellatrix: Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."
Lily: Awww!

James: Padfoot, if Lily and I ever have any trouble getting Harry to sleep, take him on a ride, will you?

Sirius: Absolutely!

Bellatrix: Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of
blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby

Lucius: Manticore, which instantly mauled all three. Hagrid's last word before he bled to death was, "Oops."

Lily: *death glare*

Nightwing: Lucius, stop being so violent.

Bellatrix: boy, fast asleep.

Lily: Awww!

Severus: Will someone please shut her up?
Lily: My son is adorable. Can't you see how adorable he is?

Bellatrix: Under a tuft of jet-black hair

Lily: Wait... scratch that. JAMES POTTER, YOU GAVE MY SON YOUR HORRID HAIR!!!

James: I'm sorry! It's genetic! I had no choice!

Bellatrix: over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.

Lily: YOU KNIFED MY SON?! *slaps James after every word* JAMES-- POTTER-- I-- WILL--KILL--YOU!!!

James: *ducking under his beanbag chair for protection while he consults his friends* What should I do?

Remus: Say it wasn't you?

James: *comes back up* It wasn't me!

Lily: *still slapping him* A-- likely-- story! *continues slapping him over Bella's reading*
Bellatrix: "Is that where--?" whispered Professor McGonagall.

Lily: YES! IT'S WHERE HIS HORRIBLE FATHER SLICED HIS HEAD OPEN!
Bellatrix: "Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."

Lily: YOU HORRIBLE CHILD ABUSER!!!

James: I didn't knife our son!
Bellatrix: "Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"

Lily: YOU HAD BETTER!

Bellatrix: "Even if I could, I wouldn't.

Lily: WHAT? Why?!

Bellatrix: Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

Peter: Hmm....

Severus: Don't hurt yourself by thinking too hard, Pettigrew.

Peter: *ignores him*

Remus: What are you thinking about, Wormtail?

Peter: Just that... if McGonagall didn't know about Dumbledore's scar... maybe there wasn't anything going on between them after all.

Sirius: There's still Madame Pomfrey, though.

Peter: True!

Bellatrix: Well-- give him here, Hagrid--we'd better get this over with."
Lily: DON'T YOU DARE!!!

Bellatrix: Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.
James: Don't do it! Don't leave my poor son there! Leave him with one of his godfathers! Please!

Bellatrix: "Could I--could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.

Lily: CHILD MOLESTOR!!! First he's knifed by his father--

James: I did NOT knife our son!

Lily: *ignoring him*-- then he's molested by Hagrid, then he's going to be abused by my sister... my poor little Harry! *bursts into tears*

Bellatrix: Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.

Sirius and Remus: *howl, sounding exactly like a wounded dog and an injured werewolf*
Bellatrix: "Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"

Lucius: Who cares? It causes Muggles discomfort, it's okay in my book.
Bellatrix: "S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and
burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it -- Lily an' James dead --

Lily: *sobs harder*

Marauders: *bow their heads*

Nightwing: *gives Peter a very evil look*

Peter: Um... Miss Authoress?

Nightwing: *still giving him an evil look* What?

Peter: Why do you hate me?

Nightwing: Because. That's why.

Bellatrix: an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles--"
Remus: *shrugs* There are worse fates.

Slytherins: No there aren't!

Bellatrix: "Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or
we'll be found,"

Lucius: Yes, we mustn't forget the Statute of Secrecy.

Bellatrix: Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly
on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall

Narcissa: Why doesn't he just use the gate like a normal person?

Lucius: I know, really. Even Death Eaters use the gate. And knock.

Remus: Why?

Lucius: It's much easier to get people to come out to their deaths if we pretend to be polite.

Bellatrix: and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep,

Lily: No! At least put him inside! He could die out there! He could catch some horrible disease! Didn't the Muggle weatherman say it was going to rain?!

Bellatrix: took a letter out of his

Sirius: Pants.

All except Sirius: *have taken to ignoring Sirius by now*

Bellatrix: cloak, tucked it inside Harry's

Sirius: Pants.

Bellatrix: blankets, and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and

Lily: MURDERED MY SON.

Sirius: Ate muffins, thereby doing their part to rid the world of a great evil.
James: Er... blessed Harry with a long, fruitful life?

Remus: Danced joyously.

Lily: Danced joyously... because they were MURDERING MY SON.

Bellatrix: looked at
Sirius: A photo album full of pictures of McGonagall. Naked.

All except Sirius: SIRIUS!!! *or* BLACK!!!

Bellatrix: the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously,

Sirius: Was she furious because of the photo album?

Nightwing: Sirius, please, please, PLEASE stop with the sick jokes. There are children in the audience.

Sirius: How do you know?

Nightwing: I don't. Just shut up, just in case.

Bellatrix: and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

Lucius: He used a Deluminator on his eyes? I didn't know that was possible.

Remus: It's an expression, Malfoy.

Bellatrix: Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here.

Lily: Yes you do! Save my son from the horrible fate you just left him to!

Bellatrix: We may as well go and join the celebrations."

Lily: WHAT?! You just left my son to his death, and now you're going to celebrate?! *splutters incoherently for a moment, then bursts into tears yet again*
Bellatrix: "Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.

Sirius: You'd better!

Bellatrix: G'night, Professor McGonagall -- Professor Dumbledore, sir."

Narcissa: Why does he always put "sir" after Professor Dumbledore?

Severus: Because he's Dumbledore's snivelling servant, that's why.

James: You're one to talk, eh, Snivellus?

Severus: I loathe that nickname.

Marauders: Too bad.

Bellatrix: Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle

Sirius: *sighs happily*

Bellatrix: and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.

Sirius: Goodbye, my darling motorcycle! I'll be counting the seconds until you return to me!

All except Sirius: *give him weird looks*
Bellatrix: "I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore,

Remus: I should think so, considering the school year has probably started already.

Nightwing: Yeah, it has, Voldemort--

Slytherins and Peter: *flinch*

Nightwing: *ignores them* -- attacks on Halloween.

Bellatrix: nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.

Narcissa: Ugh, how rude! Not to mention unsanitary!
Bellatrix: Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street.

Peter: Humming a little tune that he had made up on the spot.

James: Eventually, he came up with words to that tune--

Lily: Celebrating how he just SENT MY BABY TO HIS DEATH.

Bellatrix: On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer.

Lucius: *deep breaths* It's called-- a -- DELUMINATOR.

Bellatrix: He clicked it once, and twelve balls of

Severus: Fire shot out and burned the entire Muggle neighborhood to the ground.

Lucius: Very good, Severus.

Lily: My son is in that neighborhood!!!

Bellatrix: light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange

Lucius: And, just as suddenly, burned to the ground.

Bellatrix: and he could make out

Sirius: With McGonagall.

Bellatrix: a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets

Lily: *whispering frantically* Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay... *etc.*

Bellatrix: on the step of number four.

"Good luck, Harry," he murmured. He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone.

Narcissa: He has to swish his cloak to Disapparate?

Nightwing: Nah, I think he's just doing it to look cool.
Bellatrix: A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent

Peter: How much noise do they expect a street to make?

All except Peter: *ignore his stupidity*

Bellatrix: and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen.

Severus: For now.

Bellatrix: Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets

Lucius: And fell all the way down the porch stairs, breaking every bone in his tiny, fragile little body. *looks straight at Lily and grins evilly*

Lily: *glares at Lucius*

Bellatrix: without waking up.

Lucius: Well, Mudblood, it looks like he didn't feel any pain as he died.

Lily: LUCIUS MALFOY, MY SON IS NOT DEAD YET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

Peter: *whispering to the other Marauders* She's cracked.

Sirius: *whispering back* No, she was cracked before. Now she's completely broken.

Bellatrix: One small hand closed on the

Severus: Trigger of the gun he had been left with, and little Harry Potter accidentally shot himself in the head.

Gryffindors: *give Severus very evil looks*

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *blank stares*

Severus: A gun is a sort of metal wand Muggles use to kill each other-- or, occasionally themselves-- with.

Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Ah.

Bellatrix: letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special,

James: Of course he's special, he's a Potter.

Lily: You have the biggest ego of anyone I've ever had the misfortune to meet. What I was thinking when I married you....

Bellatrix: not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles,

Marauders: Lovely.

Lily: That's Petunia for you.

Bellatrix: nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and
pinched by his cousin Dudley...

Remus: In fact, he didn't know anything, because he was, after all, a baby.

Bellatrix: He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret

Lucius: Oh, I think it's a bit late for secrecy at the moment....

Bellatrix: all over the country were holding up their glasses

James: *takes off his glasses and holds them up in front of him*

All except James: *roll eyes*

Bellatrix: and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter -- the Boy who Lived!"

Lucius: And to James and Lily Potter-- the couple who finally died!

Nightwing: *flicks a fireball at him* Be nice, Lucy.

Lucius: Don't call me Lucy.

Nightwing: What are you going to do about it? I'm an all powerful Authoress, remember?

Remus: Um... Miss Authoress?

Nightwing: Yes, Moony, darling?

Remus: We finished the chapter, so... why are we still here?

Nightwing: Because I need seventy five percent of my own work to put this on Fiction Alley, and I only have sixty nine percent.

Sirius: *giggles like a little schoolgirl at the mention of the number sixty nine*

Nightwing: .... that's it. I'm upping the rating.

James: Are you happy with yourself?

Sirius: Of course I am! Now I can make more dirty jokes!

Nightwing: *facepalm* Not what I had in mind when I did that....

Remus: On behalf of Nightwing, I'd like to say that, since the MST is pretty much over until she gets her lazy butt in gear and writes The Vanishing Glass, you're welcome to leave, as we'll pretty much just be rambling from here on.

Bellatrix: I have an idea. While we're sitting here waiting for you to be able to post this chapter, why don't you say who's going to read the next one? And if you say me again, I'll Crucio you to the point of insanity.

Nightwing: First of all, you can't, I spellproofed the room. Second of all, I'm already insane, there's not much more you can do to me. Third of all... why not? Let's go with a Gryffindor this time. Not James or Lily, they'll need this chapter to... erm... comment on some stuff... so... how about I use my mystical Authoress powers to choose? *points to Sirius, Remus, and Peter in turn* Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a Padfoot by the toe, never gonna let him go, eeny, meeny, miney, mo. His mother called me a dirty Mudblood, but that is absolutely positively not true. Yay bronze and blue! *pause* Looks like next chapter is Sirius's turn to read!

Sirius: *groans*

Peter: *looks rather relieved*

Remus: *shrugs*

James: Nice words, by the way.