The Marauders Can Read?! (An MST)

Last time....

James: Does this mean Bellatrix reads the next chapter, since we've gone through all of us and she was the first one?

Bellatrix: *glares* The hell I will.

Nightwing: Actually, I was thinking I'd read this one.

All except Nightwing: *stare in disbelief*

Sirius: But Authoresses never--

Nightwing: I know. But this way no one can claim I don't pull my weight in this fic and that I have a purpose besides annoying Mary-Suishness. So, if no one has any further objections....

All except Nightwing: We don't.

Nightwing: Good! Chapter Ten, Halloween....

Nightwing: Malfoy couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that Harry and Ron were still at Hogwarts the next day,

Lucius: Of course they are, they're Gryffindors. Heaven forbid they got the punishment they deserve....

Lily: Well, to be fair, I don't think anyone has ever been expelled for their first offense of breaking curfew. It's not that serious.

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something*

Lily: And it's not you, either!
Sirius: *sulks*

Nightwing: looking tired but perfectly cheerful.

Bellatrix: Gryffindors! Only they would find nearly being ripped to shreds by a Cerberus enjoyable instead of traumatic!

Severus: That's why their survival rate is so low. No sense of self-preservation....

Nightwing: Indeed, by the next morning Harry and Ron thought that meeting the three-headed dog had been an excellent adventure,

Sirius: *hums the Bill and Ted guitar riff while doing a little air guitar thing with his fingers*

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Sirius: 80's movie. I blame the Authoress.

Nightwing: Hee hee! and they were quite keen to have another one.

Remus: James, as much as I hate to agree with the Slytherins, I have to say it. Your son is a moron. Bravery is a good thing, but there's a fine line between that and seeking out monsters just for the fun of it!

Nightwing: In the meantime, Harry filled Ron in about the package

Sirius: Why is Ron interested in Harry's package?

All except Sirius: *facepalm*

Nightwing: that seemed to have been moved from Gringotts to Hogwarts,

Narcissa: It's not necessarily still there. They could have moved it a second time.

Severus: Between Dumbledore and the giant man-eating dog with three heads, I doubt very much that any other place could possibly protect something quite as well as Hogwarts.

Nightwing: and they spent a lot of time wondering what could possibly need such heavy protection.

Bellatrix: Treasure, of course! Possibly something that could return the Dark Lord to his power... not that they can put off the inevitable for long with something so trivial as a monster!

Nightwing: "It's either really valuable or really dangerous," said Ron.

Narcissa: Of course it is! That's really the only reason you'd need something guarded.

Lucius: No one ever accused the Weasleys of being masters of deduction.

Nightwing: "Or both," said Harry.

Bellatrix: If it's dangerous, it's automatically valuable. Anything with the ability to kill a Muggle has the greatest intrinsic value in the world!

All except Bellatrix: *edge away from Bellatrix*

Sirius: You really do frighten me sometimes, Bella.

Nightwing: But as all they knew for sure about the mysterious object was that it was about two inches long,

Sirius: Bloody hell, now we know why it's so heavily guarded! If my "mysterious object" were only two inches long, I'd want to keep it a secret, too!

Nightwing: they didn't have much chance of guessing what it was without further clues.

Remus: Clues I'm sure we're going to be given before too long.

Nightwing: Neither Neville nor Hermione showed the slightest interest in what lay underneath the dog and the trapdoor.

Peter: Smart kids! I knew I wasn't the only Gryffindor who didn't have a death wish!

Nightwing: All Neville cared about was never going near the dog again.

Bellatrix: I think anyone with half a brain would rather agree with him there... even if he is a Longbottom.

Nightwing: Hermione was now refusing to speak to Harry and Ron,

Sirius: Brilliant! We don't have to put up with her!

Nightwing: but she was such a bossy know-it-all that they saw this as an added bonus.

James: Believe me, so does everybody sitting in this room.

Nightwing: All they really wanted now was a way of getting back at Malfoy,

Lucius: Ha, good luck with that. If I have any sense at all-- and I like to think that I do-- I would have warned my son to forsee all possible retributions before planning an attack on the Gryffindors.

James: Yeah, but you're assuming he actually listens to you. According the the Authoress, the odds aren't looking too good for you, Lucy-poo.

Lucius: *glares* Don't call me Lucy-poo.

Nightwing: and to their great delight,

Narcissa: I think it's probably rather early to be delighted. They haven't put their plan into action yet... nor will they ever, if Draco has amy sense.

Nightwing: just such a thing arrived in the mail about a week later.

James: Excellent! His first bag of Dungbombs!

Sirius: I sent them, I sent them! There should be some Whizzing Worms and Nose-Biting Teacups in there, too!

James: Wicked!

Lily: *sighs in annoyance, hoping very much that it's nothing so... Marauder-ish*

Nightwing: As the owls flooded into the Great Hall as usual, everyone's attention was caught at once by a long, thin package

Sirius: Long is good, but thin? Some girl's going to be rather disappointed if the bloke's package isn't nice and thick.

Remus: Not. That. Package.

Nightwing: carried by six large screech owls.

Severus: Can this school not afford barn owls to deliver the post? I loathe screech owls....

Nightwing: Harry was just as interested as everyone else to see what was in this large parcel,

Peter: People always are! Big stuff like that's always fascinating!

Nightwing: and was amazed when the owls soared down and dropped it right in front of him,

James: Ha! I knew my son had all the luck! Open it, Harry!

Severus: I wouldn't jump to conclusions like that before. It could be dangerous. Don't you recall the letter bombs mentioned in the third chapter?

James: Shut up, Snape.

Nightwing: knocking his bacon to the floor.

Peter: *sighs* What a waste....

Bellatrix: *scoffs* Knowing you, Pettigrew, you would still have eaten it.

Narcissa: Ew!

Nightwing: They had hardly fluttered out of the way when another owl dropped a letter on top of the parcel.

Severus: Which exploded on contact, killing everyone in the Great Hall.

Lucius: Except, of course, for the Slytherins, who are impervious to such ridiculous deaths.

Severus: Naturally, naturally.

Nightwing: Harry ripped open the letter first,

Remus: That sounds like the proper order of things.

James: I don't bother with the letter nonsense, I go straight for the presents!

Nightwing: which was lucky, because it

Sirius: Contained secret instructions for completely ridding the world of the great evil that is muffins.

Nightwing: said: DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE.

Remus: And that, James, is why it's usually a good idea to read the letters first.

James: All right, all right, point made.

Nightwing: It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand,

Sirius: The amazing broomstick of wonder from earlier?

James and Sirius: *drool*

Lucius: *also has a dreamy look in his eyes* My son will most certainly be getting one of those....

Nightwing: but I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick

Narcissa: Because it's proof that we really do like Gryffindors better than everyone else, and we don't want to be shut down for blatant favoritism.

Bellatrix: If it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to happen.

Narcissa: Pity....

Nightwing: or they'll all want one.

Sirius: *still drooling* I know I do!

James: *nods enthusiastically, also still drooling*

Lily: Boys!

Nightwing: Oliver Wood will meet you tonight on the Quidditch field

James: That's where the real magic happens! Best part of the school!

Nightwing: at seven o'clock for your first training session.

Sirius: *sighs happily* Sweet memories....

James: Didn't you lose hold of your bat, send it flying towards the castle only to bounce off and knock you out?
Sirius: Sweet memories... except for that one....

Nightwing: Professor McGonagall

Severus: *glares* Strict but fair my arse....

Nightwing: Harry had difficulty hiding his glee

James: Don't bother hiding it, Harry! Let them bask in your glow as they stew in envy!

Nightwing: as he handed the note to Ron to read. "A Nimbus Two Thousand!"

James: *puffs his chest out with pride* Damn straight!

Nightwing: Ron moaned enviously. "I've never even touched one."

Lily: There's something very Freudian about Ron moaning that he wants to touch Harry's broomstick....

Remus: Eurgh!

Sirius: *stares in awe at Lily* She made a sex joke!

Nightwing: They left the hall quickly, wanting to unwrap the broomstick in private

Sirius: Yes, that's generally where you do things like that.

Remus: Can we be done with the bad broomstick innuendoes, please?

Sirius: *points to Lily* She started it.

Nightwing: before their first class,

Lily: *facepalm* If he's anything like his father, they'll still be ogling the thing during their first class!

James: *totally out of it* It's so beautiful....

Severus: You don't even know what it looks like, you dolt!

James: *snaps back to reality, annoyed* I imagine that it's beautiful, then!

Nightwing: but halfway across the entrance hall they found the way upstairs barred by Crabbe and Goyle.

Lucius: Ah, the two simpletons make themselves useful. If they can't think or fight, they may as well stop a pair of high and mighty Gryffindors from gloating.

Nightwing: Malfoy seized the package from Harry and felt it.

Sirius: Malfoy, why is your son feeling Harry's package?

Lucius: He wants to know what it-- *realizes what Sirius meant and blinks* Black, that is disgusting. No son of mine will be raised to think that anything like that is remotely acceptable!

Nightwing: Now, now, Lucy-poo, nothing wrong with being open minded.

Remus: *glances out at the readers* Sorry about that. Villains aren't known for being the nicest, most tolerant lot. She's just trying to capture it through her characters, it's not the way she thinks.

Nightwing: "That's a broomstick," he said,

Bellatrix: *nudges Narcissa* Brilliant child, isn't he?

Narcissa: I assume it's not wrapped in a way that made the contents overly obvious.

Nightwing: *thinking of the movie* Um.... throwing it back to Harry with a mixture of jealousy

Lucius: My son should never have any reason to be jealous. If he grew up with me, he'll have the best of everything.

Nightwing: and spite

James: The natural expression of a Malfoy.

Nightwing: on his face.

Peter: Well, I wouldn't have expected his expressions to be on his arse.

Severus: I'm surprised you're capable of displaying even that much intelligence, Pettigrew.

Nightwing: "You'll be in for it this time, Potter,

Narcissa: Words that, no matter how much we wish, will never actually become truth. *sighs*

Nightwing: first years aren't allowed them."

Bellatrix: Unless the aforementioned first year happens to be a Gryffindor, in which case any rule can be bent to suit the precious little angels.

Nightwing: Ron couldn't resist it.

Severus: Of course not. What Weasley has ever developed a sense of tact, dignity, or when to keep his stupid mouth shut?

Nightwing: "It's not any old broomstick," he said,

James: *sighs dreamily* It's the most amazing broomstick I've never seen!

Nightwing: "it's a Nimbus Two Thousand.

Sirius and James: *squee!*

All except Sirius and James: *give Sirius and James weird looks*

Nightwing: What did you say you've got at home, Malfoy, a Comet Two Sixty?"

Lucius: *blinks in horror* A Comet?! My son has a bloody Comet instead of the best there is?

Sirius and James: *snicker evilly*

Narcissa: Lucius, what were you thinking?!

Lucius: Believe me, Cissa dear, I'm trying to figure out the same thing!

Nightwing: Ron grinned at Harry.

James: *chest swells with pride*

Lucius: *fumes*

Nightwing: You're so sexy when you're pissed off, Lucius. *beams as she reads* "Comets look flashy,

Sirius: Sounds like your kind of broomstick, Malfoy. Never one to see past appearances, were you?

Lucius: *snarls*

Nightwing: but they're not in the same league as the Nimbus."

Narcissa: This is the first future mistake you have to fix-- *slightly hysterical, hitting Lucius's arm with every word* Buy our son a Nimbus, not a Comet!

Lucius: *winces* Naturally, darling, naturally.

Nightwing: "What would you know about it, Weasley, you couldn't afford half the handle," Malfoy snapped back.

Lucius: At least Draco has a better broomstick than some people. *smirks*

Bellatrix: I wouldn't use the Weasleys as your measuring stick, Lucius. Better than them is hardly an accomplishment.

Nightwing: "I suppose you and your brothers have to save up twig by twig."

Severus: *sneers* If they can even afford a twig!

James: Come off it, Snivellus, you don't even own a broomstick!

Severus: Only because I have no interest in flight.

Sirius: Keep telling yourself that, greaseball.

Nightwing: Before Ron could answer,

Lucius: A chimaera leapt out of nowhere and devoured him whole.

Narcissa: It would serve him right for daring to mock my son!

Bellatrix: That would serve a Weasley right for daring to mock anyone! Can we say hypocrisy?

Nightwing: Professor Flitwick appeared at Malfoy's elbow.

Severus: I'm sure Draco is absolutely terrified. FlitwicK! Whatever will he do?

Remus: Probably give him detention, but I wouldn't underestimate the small ones. Flitwick's smart, and he knows his magic-- he could jinx him halfway to hell. Sometimes it's a good thing to look nonthreatening. Means an attack would come as a complete surprise.

Nightwing: It's like the Spanish Inquisition!

All except Nightwing: *blank stares*

Nightwing: Well, no one expects it.... "Not arguing, I hope, boys?" he squeaked.

James: Oh, no, of course not! A Malfoy and a Potter are within ten feet of each other-- why would you ever think that they're arguing.

Nightwing: "Potter's been sent a broomstick, Professor," said Malfoy quickly.

Severus: Yes, but no one cares because he's a Gryffindor, and the rules don't apply to Gryffindors.

Peter: Don't be jealous, Snape.

Nightwing: "Yes, yes, that's right," said Professor Flitwick, beaming at Harry.

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *stare in disbelief*

James: Ha ha, yes! Can't get my son in trouble!

Bellatrix: This blatant favoritism has gotten absolutely ridiculous. What has Dumbledore done to this school?!

Nightwing: "Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter.

Narcissa: You're a Gryffindor, so there aren't any rules for you! If this happened to a Slytherin, he'd be out of Hogwarts in an instant, but not a precious Gryffindor!

Lucius: *stands up* All right, that's it. I've made up my mind. I'm becoming a school governor so I might put an end to this madness. This injustice has gone on for far too long! Dumbledore's prejudice must be tempered with a heavy hand of equity, and I swear that someday, that hand will be mine!

Severus, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *clap*

Severus: It's a noble cause, Lucius. I commend you.

Lucius: *smirks and tosses his hair as he sits back down*

Sirius: Equity? A Slytherin? Ha! Don't make me laugh....

Nightwing: And what model is it?"

Sirius: A better one than Malfoy's got!

James: *dreamily* It's a Nimbus Two Thousand....

Nightwing: "A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir," said Harry,

Sirius and James: *squee!*

Lily: Stop doing that!

Sirius: But it's all right when you do it?

Lily: I'm not a guy!

Nightwing: fighting not to laugh at the look of horror on Malfoy's face.

James: Don't fight it, son, drink in your victory over that little prat!

Lucius and Narcissa: *glare*

Nightwing: "And it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it," he added.

Narcissa: It most certainly is not! Draco is not responsible for the disgusting bias that every one of the teachers have towards Gryffindors!

Severus: Not every one of the teachers. You can trust that Potter will receive his just desserts for this absurd farce.

Nightwing: Harry and Ron headed upstairs, smothering their laughter

Sirius: Don't bother smothering it-- it's a waste of effort to try not to do something that comes so naturally!

Nightwing: at Malfoy's obvious rage and confusion.

Lucius: Oh, believe me, Draco is hardly the only Malfoy to be enraged and confused. *glares at the book*

Nightwing: "Well, it's true,"

Narcissa: It most certainly is not!

Nightwing: Harry chortled as they reached the top of the marble staircase,

James: So close to Gryffindor tower... so close to opening that heavenly broomstick!

Nightwing: "If he hadn't stolen Neville's Remembrall I wouln't be on the team...."

Severus: You really can't argue with that one, Lucius.

Lucius: I most certainly can! Were they not told that flying while Hooch was off tending to the Longbottom boy would result in expulsion? Simply because Potter happens to fly well is no reason to ignore that rule!

Narcissa: If you put it that way, though, darling, Draco flew as well, and he managed to escape punishment.

Lucius: Yes, but Draco wasn't rewarded for explicitly disregarding a teacher!

Nightwing: "So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?"

Lucius: I absoutely agree!

Nightwing: came an angry voice from just behind them.

Sirius and James: *melodramatic gasps*

Sirius: *in a very good falsetto* It's the return of the dreaded Talking Chair!

James: *in a very bad falsetto* Where shall we run? Where shall we hide?

Nightwing: Hermione was stomping up the stairs,

Sirius: *screams in his falsetto voice*

James: That's even worse than the dreaded Talking Chair!

Nightwing: looking disapprovingly at the package in Harry's hand.

Peter: Well, he should be doing things like that in private, you know.

Remus: Like what?

Peter: *shrugs* He's got his package in his hand. What do you think he's doing, pulling flowers out of it?

Sirius: Oi, if you can't pull off a good sex joke that doesn't need explaining, don't make them. That's my job!

Nightwing: "I thought you weren't speaking to us?" said Harry.

Remus: I thought so, too. Apparently, it was too good to last. *sighs*

Nightwing: "Yes, don't stop now," said Ron,

Sirius: Watch, Peter-- he'll be saying that in a few years, but then it'll be more of a moan. And that's how you make a good innuendo!

Nightwing: "it's doing us so much good."

James: Us, too!

Nightwing: Hermione marched away with her nose in the air.

Remus: Be careful not to fall down the stairs, now.

Nightwing: Harry had a lot of trouble keeping his mind on his lessons that day.

Lily: That sounds just like his father-- is it possible for you to ever keep your mind on your lessons?

James: Of course it is! Just not when there's an amazing broomstick calling me from upstairs!

Nightwing: It kept wandering up to the dormitory where his new broomstick was lying under his bed,

James: *would have just spat clear across the room had he been drinking anything* Under the bed? Under the bed? Do you have no sense of decency? Something so extraordinarily wonderful doesn't deserve to be shoved under the bed like a common box!

Nightwing: or straying off to the Quidditch field where he'd be learning to play that night.

Sirius: Isn't that where any normal boy's thoughts go when they drift during class?

James: *sighs dreamily*

Nightwing: He bolted his dinner that evening without noticing what he was eating,

Severus: That's a very good way to get yourself poisoned, idiot boy!

Nightwing: and then rushed upstairs with Ron

Sirius: For one hell of a wild night!

Nightwing: to unwrap the Nimbus Two Thousand at last.

Sirius: Even better!

Sirius and James: *squee!*

Nightwing; "Wow," Ron sighed,

Sirius: *as Ron* Harry, that was amazing....

James: That broomstick is amazing....

Sirius: Not quite what I meant, but all right. I agree with you.

Sirius and James: *quiver with excitement*

Lily: *rolls her eyes*

Nightwing: as the broomstick rolled onto Harry's bedspread.

Sirius and James: *squee yet again*

Nightwing: Even Harry, who knew nothing about the different brooms,

James: Blasphemy! My son can't know nothing!

Nightwing: thought it looked wonderful.

Sirius: That it does, my lad, that it does.

Remus: You don't even know what it looks like!

Nightwing: Sleek and shiny,

Lucius: *trying very hard and failing miserably not to look impressed or jealous* As are all broomsticks when they're first unwrapped. They even stay that way if you care for them well enough.

Nightwing: with a mahogany handle,

James: Hey, my wand is made of mahogany!

Severus: And no one cares.

James: I care-- it's excellent for a broomstick handle. It makes it sleek, so it can fly faster.

Nightwing: it had a long tail of neat, straight twigs

Sirius: All the better for the aerodynamic design. You've just got to be careful that the twigs stay neat and straight for best performance.

Nightwing: and Nimbus Two Thousand written in gold near the top.

James: So it can flash over the stands and that little Malfoy twit can eat his heart out!

Lucius: *glares furiously*

Nightwing: As seven o'clock drew nearer,

James: That magical time where my son finally learns about the wonder that is Quidditch!

Nightwing: Harry left the castle and set off in the dusk toward the Quidditch field.

Lucius: *still fighting to keep his sneer from turning envious* Impatient, isn't it?

Sirius: Wouldn't you be?

Lucius: *turns away* ... hmph.

Nightwing: He'd never been inside the stadium before.

Sirius and James: Blasphemy!

Remus: How many times were you two in the stadium your first year, not counting matches?

Sirius: Do you really want an answer to that?

Remus: *starts to say something, then thinks better of it* No. No, I don't.

Nightwing: Hundreds of seats were raised in stands around the field so that the spectators were high enough to see what was going on.

Narcissa: And sometimes you're still not high enough to see everything!

Bellatrix: And by everything, you mean Lucius.

Narcissa: Of course I mean Lucius, what other reason is there for me to even go to the games? He's so sexy in his Quidditch gear, with his hair streaming behind him.... *sighs happily*

Lucius: *smirks and tosses his hair*

Sirius and James: *gag violently*

Nightwing: At either end of the field were three golden poles with hoops on the end.

James: That's my home up there!

Sirius: You're a Chaser, not a Keeper.

James: Yeah, I know, but I've got to get up there to score, and the best words to hear in a match are, "10 - 0 Gryffindor with a fantastic goal by Potter!"

Lily: You are so bloody arrogant!

Nightwing: They reminded Harry of the little plastic sticks Muggle children blew bubbles through,

Bellatrix: What? Bubbles? That sounds stupid even for Muggles!

Nightwing: But bubbles are so pretty!

All except Nightwing: *give Nightwing weird looks*

Nightwing: except that they were fifty feet high.

Remus: That would be a very large bubble.

Nightwing: Too eager to fly again to wait for Wood,

Remus: Patience is a virtue.

James: Not when it comes to flying, it isn't!

Nightwing: Harry mounted his broomstick and kicked off from the ground.

Sirius: And up he goes!

Nightwing: You have no idea how much I want to start singing Peter Pan right now.... What a feeling--

James: There's nothing like it, nothing at all. *sighs dreamily*

Nightwing: he swooped in and out of the goal posts

Severus: Rather like a bat would.

Peter: You would know, Snape.

Nightwing: and then sped up and down the field.

Sirius: I wonder how fast that Nimbus goes....

James: I don't know, but it's got to be good!

Nightwing: The Nimbus Two Thousand turned wherever he wanted at his lightest touch.

Sirius: I love it when broomsticks do that! It makes chasing Bludgers so much easier....

Lucius: What would you know about it, Black? Your family wouldn't lend you a Knut to get a broom, so you had to buy your own with what little money you could scrounge up. A Cleansweep.

Sirius: Sod off, Lucius, your Nimbus 900 can't hold a candle to the 2000.

Lucius: It's still better than your Cleansweep 5!

Nightwing: "Hey, Potter, come down!"

James: *partly as Harry* No!

Nightwing: Oliver Wood had arrived.

James: Ooh, never mind! It's Quidditch time! Yay! *bounces on the edge of his chair... do beanbag chairs have edges?*

Nightwing: He was carrying a large wooden crate under his arm.

Sirius: Quidditch balls! *begins panting like a dog*

Lily, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *give Sirius weird looks*

Bellatrix: I wonder about you sometimes, I really do.

Nightwing: Harry landed next to him. "Very nice," said Wood,

James: *puffs his chest out proudly* That's my boy!

Nightwing: his eyes glinting.

Sirius: Rather like Liam's do when he finds a good player. Things are looking excellent for Harry!

Nightwing: "I see what McGonagall meant... you really are a natural.

James: That would be my good genes!

Nightwing: I'm just going to teach you the rules this evening,

Remus: I thought Ron taught him the rules on the train?

Lily: Yes, but the reader didn't get any of that, and I'm sure Ron skipped over some of the finer points.

Remus: Oh, yes, very true.

Nightwing: then you'll be joining team practice three times a week."

Sirius: *sighs wistfully* That's not nearly often enough.

James: No, it isn't. But we have to take what we can get.

Sirius: Too true.

Nightwing: He opened the crate. Inside were four different-sized balls.

Peter: And Wood is going to show Harry how to play with them!

Sirius: No, Peter. Just... no.

Nightwing: "Right," said Wood. "Now, Quidditch is easy enough to understand,

Lily: Speak for yourself. I certainly never got it.

Sirius: Only a select few, very special girls can.

James: Not that you aren't very special, Lily dearest.

Sirius: You're just not the sort of special that can understand the beauty that is Quidditch.

Lily: I'm heartbroken.

Nightwing: even if it's not too easy to play.

Sirius, James, and Lucius: Speak for yourself!

Nightwing: There are seven players on each side.

James: Me, Fabian Prewett, Elysia Kanahmen, Sirius, Ralph McKinnon, Liam Wood, and Lucy Harris this year!

Lucius: And on the Slytherin side when I was at school, we had, Rabastan Lestrange, his brother Rodolphus, Edmond Jugson, Crabbe, Goyle, Antonin Dolhov, and myself.

Lily: And no one cares.

Nightwing: I'm noticing a pattern among the Slytherin side.... Three of them are called Chasers."

James: That's me! That's me! Me, Fabian, and Ellie, that's us!

Remus: We know, Prongs, now calm down.

Nightwing: "Three Chasers," Harry repeated,

James: Good boy! Way to remember your dear departed dad's Quidditch position!

Nightwing: as Wood took out a bright red ball about the size of a soccer ball.

Severus: What the ruddy hell is a soccer ball?

Lily: We Brits call it a football-- it's part of a Muggle game that's also called football. Two teams of Muggles try and kick it into a goal on each end, sort of like Quidditch on the ground.

James: Quidditch?

Lucius: On the ground?

All except Lily and Nightwing: *think for a moment*

Sirius: Can't picture it. Moving on....

Nightwing: "This ball's called the Quaffle," said Wood.

James: And it's my favorite of the lot!

Nightwing: "The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other

James: And then I zoom up to the goal posts and throw it at Dolhov's stupid face before it bounces off and I score!

Nightwing: and try and get it through one of the hoops to score a goal.

James: What's this trying crap? What's happened in the twenty years I've been gone where it's not a given for Gryffindors to score?

Nightwing: Ten points every time the Quaffle goes through one of the hoops.

Lucius: Poor Chasers, incapable of scoring enough points at once to offset a single good move by one of us.

Nightwing: Follow me?"

James: If you don't I think you may have to be disowned.

Lily: You take this Quidditch business far too seriously.

Nightwing: "The Chasers throw the Quaffle and put it through the hoops to score," Harry recited.

James: *claps* Good job, Harry!

Nightwing: "So--that's sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, isn't it?"

Severus: What's basketball?

Lily: Muggle sport. That's about as much as I know about it-- it's really more popular in America.

Remus: Nightwing?

Nightwing: Bugger if I know how to explain it to you other than that it's like Quidditch on the ground with one hoop on each side. I don't follow this sports nonsense.

Sirius: I thought Quidditch was like football.

Nightwing: It is.

Sirius: *pause* I'm so confused!!!

Nightwing: "What's basketball?" said Wood curiously.

Severus: Must we go through this again?

James: Do you know what basketball is?

Severus: No, but then again, I don't care.

Nightwing: "Never mind," said Harry quickly.

Lily: My thoughts exactly.

Nightwing: "Now, there's another player on each side who's called the Keeper--

Sirius: Liam Wood, Keeper extraordinare!

James: And don't start talking about Dolhov's Keeping abilities, Lucius. They're really nothing to be proud of.

Sirius: *snickers* Ashamed, more like.

Lucius: *looks sour* Believe me, I know.

Nightwing: I'm Keeper for Gryffindor.

James: Just like his daddy!

Nightwing: I have to fly around our hoops and stop the other team from scoring."

Narcissa: Preferably without getting hit in the face with the Quaffle and being an embarrassment to your House.

Sirius and James: *snicker*

Nightwing: "Three Chasers,

James: *ruffles his hair importantly*

Lily: *rolls her eyes*

Nightwing: one Keeper," said Harry,

Sirius and James: *chant* Li-am! Li-am! Li-am!

Nightwing: who was determined to remember it all.

Remus: Now if only he put that much effort into remembering his lessons.

James: Bite your tongue! This is much more important!

Nightwing: "And they play with the Quaffle.

Sirius: Just so, Harry! Now get to the part about me and Ralph!

Nightwing: Okay, got that.

James: Good man, Harry!

Nightwing: So what are they for?" He pointed at the three balls left inside the box.

Sirius: They're for me to imagine my family's faces on and whack with every bit of strength I have!

Peter: That's not overly violent at all....

Sirius: Hey, there are worse ways I let out my aggression. I could take my wand and blow you into smithereens, for instance.

Peter: *squeaks*

Sirius: Relax, Peter, you know I'd never do something like that! Anyone who would is a bloody idiot....

Nightwing: Um....

Sirius: Um what?

Nightwing: Nothing. Let's just keep reading, shall we? "I'll show you now," said Wood.

Remus: Did he really need to be told that?

Nightwing: "Take this."

Bellatrix: And he hit Harry with a Cruciatus Curse, right when he thought he was among friends!

Nightwing: He handed Harry a small club,

Sirius: *squee!* Here we are, here's the good part!

Nightwing: a bit like a short baseball bat.

Severus: What's a baseball bat?

Lily: Essentially a long Beater's bat used in a Muggle game called baseball. One player throws the ball at another player on the opposite team, who holds the bat. If they hit it, they run around a set of four bases, scoring a point if they can make it to the final one. If they don't, they get a strike. Three strikes, and they're out of the game until everyone has batted. Three outs, and the two teams switch sides.

Lucius: Wow. Muggles really are mental.

Lily: It doesn't make much sense to me, either. I'm not much of a sports person.

Nightwing: "I'm going to show you what the Bludgers do," Wood said.

Lily: *squeaks* Are you sure that's safe? He's shown that he's a good Seeker, but the Bludger might crack his head open!

Nightwing: "These two are the Bludgers."

Sirius: Best balls in the game, they are!

Nightwing: He showed Harry two identical balls,

Sirius: They're not, actually. One bolt is up higher than the others on one of them.

Remus: I think you're the only one who's ever noticed that, Padfoot.

Sirius: Am not! Ralph could see it when I went to show him, so there.

Nightwing: jet black and slightly smaller than the red Quaffle.

Severus: Actually, I should think they would be larger than the Quaffle if you go by how much mass each ball has. The Bludgers are much heavier than the Quaffle, which means they are comprised of more matter. Thus, they are larger.

Bellatrix: You have far too much time on your hands.

Nightwing: Harry noticed that they seemed to be straining to escape the straps holding them inside the box.

Peter: How are they straining? They're inanimate objects!

Remus: Magic, Peter. Magic.

Peter: *pauses to think* Oh, yeah!

Narcissa: Pettigrew, every time you open your mouth, I think that you can't possibly get stupider, and every time you open your mouth, you prove me wrong in new and spectacular ways.

Nightwing: "Stand back," Wood warned Harry.

Remus: Usually a good idea when dealing with Bludgers.

Sirius: That is, it's a good idea unless you have experience and talent as a Beater, of course!

Nightwing: He bent down and freed one of the Bludgers.

Peter: Run away, Harry!

Nightwing: At once, the black ball rose high in the air and then pelted straight at Harry's face.

Sirius: I'll admit, even I hate it when they do that. It makes it very difficult to aim when instinct's telling you to keep it from smashing your skull!

Nightwing: Harry swung at it with the bat to stop it from breaking his nose,

Lucius: A Gryffindor with some sense of self-preservation. I never thought I'd live to see the day.

Nightwing: and sent it zigzagging away into the air--

Sirius: That's the mark of an amateur Beater. We good ones can hit them perfectly straight into our target.

James: Hey, not only is he a first year who's never played Quidditch before, he's a Seeker. He doesn't have to hit Bludgers well.

Peter: *admiringly* But he's your son, and you know how to Chase and Seek!

James: *grins and ruffles his hair* I'm a pretty good Keeper, too. But keep in mind that Harry was raised by Muggles and wasn't lucky enough to grow up with this stuff.

Nightwing: it zoomed around their heads

Lily: Oh, I hope it didn't hit either of them!

Nightwing: and then shot at Wood, who dived on top of it

Remus: Well, that's one way of stopping a Bludger.

Nightwing: and managed to pin it to the ground.

Severus: This could prove painful.

Bellatrix: *grins evilly* They're Gryffindors-- good.

Nightwing: "See?" Wood panted,

Sirius: Wow, that didn't sound suggestive at all. You know, "See? I told you I was good in bed!"

Remus: The word "panted" doesn't always have to be dirty, you know.

Sirius: With me, everything has to be dirty.

Remus: Believe me, I've noticed.

Nightwing: forcing the struggling Bludger back into the crate

Peter: *in a high-pitched voice, pretending to be the Bludger* No, don't send me there! I don't like the dark!

Nightwing: and strapping it down safely.

Narcissa: That sounds vaguely like he committed the Bludger to a mental ward.

Lucius: That's quite an apt description, actually....

Nightwing: "The Bludgers rocket around, trying to knock players off their brooms.

Lucius: And succeeding only with the most inexperienced of players... and Hufflepuffs.

Sirius: Don't sound so superior, Malfoy, I hit you square in the back during the final match in my second year-- your seventh!

Lucius: You were behind me, out of my line of vision! Besides, I wasn't paying attention to the Bludgers, I was looking for the Snitch!

James: Living proof that you should always be aware of all of your surroundings when you're playing Quidditch.

Lucius: *scowls*

Nightwing: That's why you have two Beaters on each team--

Sirius: And it's always best when they know how to work together well.

Nightwing: the Weasley twins are ours--

Lily: I should say they would know quite well how to work together.

Nightwing: it's their job to protect their side from the Bludgers

Sirius: That would be Ralph's job most of the time.

Nightwing: and try and knock them toward the other team.

Sirius: And that would be mine! It's quite a good system, really. Makes sure we're both on our guard.

Nightwing: So--think you've got all that?"

Severus: I certainly hope so. It isn't as though it was immensely difficult to remember. With Potter's brainpower, however....

Lily: Quidditch is the one thing Potter does have the brain for!

Nightwing: "Three Chasers try and score with the Quaffle;

James: Good start, Harry! Keep going!

Nightwing: the Keeper guards the goal posts;

James: One more! You've got this, Harry, you can do it!

Nightwing: the Beaters keep the Bludgers away from their team," Harry reeled off.

James: Brilliant! Three for three!

Sirius: Actually, he forgot about the fact that the Beaters have to beat the living daylights out of the other team, but other than that, yes, very good indeed.

Nightwing: "Very good," said Wood.

James: *puffs out his chest proudly*

Nightwing: "Er--have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?"

Narcissa: Paranoid thing, isn't he?

Lily: *worriedly* Have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?

Sirius: Nah, not here. They can break bones if they hit hard enough, but Dumbledore has them bewitched not to crack spines or smash skulls. That's not to say they don't hit there on occasion, but never hard enough to actually kill.

Lily: *sighs in relief* Okay, good.

Nightwing: Harry asked, hoping he sounded offhand.

Lily: How can you possibly ask something like that while sounding offhand?

Nightwing: "Never at Hogwarts.

Lucius: However, in the World Cup matches, things often go quite badly wrong. Not only for the players, either-- spectators and referees have been known to be injured, maimed, and killed by rogue Bludgers.

Severus: You would really think someone would take precautions against that sort of thing.

Nightwing: We've had a couple of broken jaws

Bellatrix: *highly disappointed* Is that all?

Nightwing: but nothing worse than that.

Lily: Excellent, Harry has nothing to worry about! I knew Dumbledore would pull through for his students' safety!

Bellatrix: Of course not! Heaven forbid anything should befall his precious little Gryffindors and Mudbloods! He only protects the others so the governors won't say anything about it.

Remus: Actually, the practice of bewitching the Quidditch balls to prevent serious injury and death started in 1874 with Dilys Derwent, after a student fell from his broomstick and got his spine and neck broken when both Bludgers attacked him simultaneously as he fell.

Bellatrix: *scowls, annoyed at not being able to blame Dumbledore for something*

Nightwing: Now, the last member of the team is the Seeker.

James: Yes! Here's the part Harry has to worry about, this is the most important part!
Remus: Prongs. We know.

Nightwing: That's you.

Narcissa: And Lucius!

Lucius: *grins and tosses his hair* And I'm certain I know which of us has more talent.

James: You wish, Lucy-poo.

Nightwing: And you don't have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers--"

James: It's always a good idea to worry about the Bludgers. I mean, they can't kill you, but it's not exactly pleasant to stay overnight in the hospital wing with a concussion or multiple fractured ribs.

Nightwing: "--unless they crack my head open."

Sirius: I thought Oliver already said they can't kill him?

Nightwing: I think I've said it before, but Harry's not exactly the brightest spark in the wand. "Don't worry, the Weasleys are more than a match for the Bludgers--

Lily: That's always good to hear. At least they know what they're doing.

Nightwing: I mean, they're like a pair of human Bludgers themselves."

Sirius: *grins* That's the best kind of Beater-- why do you think I'm so good?

Nightwing: Wood reached into the crate and took out the fourth and last ball.

Lucius: It's beautiful, it really is.... And it's quite a feeling to make a successful catch.

James: Especially because with you, it never really happened often.

Lucius: *glares*

Nightwing: Compared with the Quaffle and the Bludgers, it was

Lucius: The most significant ball of the game. Really, in almost every case, we score more points than all three Chasers combined, and we only get one shot at it!

James: Unless you have three damn good Chasers.

Nightwing: tiny, about the size of a large walnut.

Remus: That's not specific in the least-- large walnuts can be all sorts of sizes!

Peter: I guess it's as big as a small... er... large walnut.

Nightwing: It was bright gold

Lucius: *nods* The house-elves polish it for us after every match so it's easier for us to see.

James: You'd think there'd be a spell for that sort of thing.

Nightwing: and had little fluttering silver wings.

Remus: Those always seemed rather superfluous to me. I mean, the others fly perfectly well on their own, so why does the Snitch need wings?

Lucius: They help the Snitch fly faster.

Nightwing: "This," said Wood, "is the Golden Snitch, and it's the most important ball of the lot.

Lucius: *smirks superiorly at James and Sirius and tosses his hair*

James and Sirius: *glower*

Nightwing: It's very hard to catch because it's so fast and difficult to see.

Lucius: Unless you're a remarkable flyer with an extraordinarly good eye.

James: Which, fortunately, Harry is. He doesn't have the disadvantage of all that ridiculously long hair in his eyes, either.

Sirius: Or the glare reflecting off of its shininess!

Lucius: Excuse me, I pull my hair back when I play Quidditch precisely so that won't happen!

Sirius: In a pretty little green bow, nonetheless.

Nightwing: It's the Seeker's job to catch it.

Remus: And by the look and sound of things, that's easier said than done.

Nightwing: You've got to weave in and out of the Chasers, Beaters, Bludgers, and Quaffle

Lucius: Or simply remain in one spot until they come near you, searching for it, and fly away when the others come near. That always worked for me.

Sirius: Yeah, until the other Lucy came along, the girl, and stole your thunder right from under your nose. *grins*

Nightwing: to get it before the other team's Seeker,

Lucius: Which I always managed to do before Harris came along. *scowls*

Narcissa: *pats his arm sympathetically*

James and Sirius: *snicker*

Nightwing: because whichever Seeker catches the Snitch wins his team an extra hundred and fifty points,

Lucius: Making, as I said, the Chasers' goals completely pointless.

Nightwing: so they nearly always win.

James and Sirius: Thank you, Lucy who isn't this pretty-haired prat!

Lucius: *glares* Don't worry, there shouldn't be much confusion. My name is not Lucy!

Nightwing: That's why Seekers get fouled so much.

Lucius: Which is incredibly unfair. We don't do anything until we see the Snitch, so what right do they have fouling us for nothing?

James: You divebombed me into the ground once, you git!

Lucius: *smirks* You were in the way.

James: You hit me on purpose!

Lucius: *smirks wider* Prove it.

James: I was ten feet below you, twenty from the ground, and you had plenty of time to turn away.

Lucius: *smirks even wider* So did you.

Lily: Oh, my God, shut up. You would think you were still in the second year, Potter, honestly.

James: *glares at Lucius*

Nightwing: A game of Quidditch only ends when the Snitch is caught,

Sirius: Ugh, remember that time in our fourth year when neither Lucy or that Ravenclaw bloke could find it?

James: *nods grimly* The one where the game went on for three months solid? Worst Quidditch game ever... even with the substitutions, I was exhausted!

Nightwing: so it can go on for ages--

Sirius: Too... bloody... long.

Lily: And think of the work you all missed!

James: Oh, they let us off on all that. If there's one thing the teachers can understand and accept as an excuse, it's Quidditch.

Severus: And they call themselves impartial, giving Quidditch players special treatment like that....

Nightwing: I think the record is three months,

All: *blink*

James: Well, would you look at that, Padfoot? We set a school record.

Sirius: I knew some good had to come out of that travesty of a match!

Nightwing: they had to keep bringing on substitutes so the players could get some sleep.

James: And even then, it wasn't nearly as much as we needed to keep our Quidditch playing up to scratch.

Nightwing: "Well, that's it--any questions?"

Lucius: There shouldn't be, he explained everything of importance quite clearly.

Nightwing: Harry shook his head.

Severus: Thus displaying the first spark of intelligence he's shown throughout this entire book.

Nightwing: He understood what he had to do all right, it was doing it that was going to be the problem.

Sirius: That I can understand, Seeking is hard!

Lucius: Only because you have the attention span of a gnat.

Sirius: Hey, hey, I have to concentrate to Beat, thank you very much!

Nightwing: "We won't practice with the Snitch yet," said Wood,

James: What are you going to practice with, grapefruits? He's not a grapefruit catcher, he's a Seeker! Let him Seek!

Nightwing: carefully shutting it back inside the crate, "it's too dark,

Lucius: Ah. Understandable, then. You wouldn't want to lose something of such vital importance.

Nightwing: we might lose it.

Sirius: And then how would Harry kick arse and take names?

Nightwing: Let's try you out with a few of these."

James: Snidgets?

Remus: Don't be a prat, Prongs, that's been illegal for years.

James: *slightly disappointed* Oh yeah....

Nightwing: He pulled a bag of ordinary golf balls out of his pocket

Bellatrix: What on Earth is an ordinary golf?

Severus: Probably endangered. With its testicles tied into bags like that, there's no way they could mate quickly enough to replenish their species.

Lucius: They'd have to be quite large, too, for their reproductive organs to be decent replacements for Snitches.

Lily: *blushing, turns to Nightwing* Should I correct them?

Nightwing: *giggling like a madwoman* Nah, this is too entertaining. and a few minutes later, he and Harry were up in the air,

James: Where my Harry belongs! *ruffles his hair*

Nightwing: Wood throwing the golf balls

Narcissa: ... ew.

Nightwing: *starts giggling again* as hard as he could in every direction for Harry to catch.

Sirius: That actually sounds like pretty good training for a Seeker. I mean, as good as it gets when you can't actually use the Snitch.

Nightwing: Harry didn't miss a single one,

James: Haha! That's my boy, Harry! Way to do your old man proud!

Nightwing: and Wood was delighted.

James: And so am I!

Bellatrix: *sarcastically* Really? We couldn't tell....

Nightwing: After half an hour, night had really fallen

Lucius: And that always makes for difficult Seeking conditions. It's nearly impossible to see the Snitch in the dark.

Lily: Why don't they just illuminate the pitch?

Lucius: *silence as he tries to think of an answer to this* Because they don't. Don't talk about things you don't understand, you ignorant Mudblood!

Nightwing: *turns Lucius into a donkey*

Lucius: *sighs in annoyance* I assume that was for calling her a Mudblood?

Nightwing: Good job, Lucy, you're catching on! and they couldn't carry on.

Sirius and James: *whine* Awww, no more Quidditch?

Nightwing: "That Quidditch cup'll have our name on it this year,"

James: The Quidditch cup should always have the Gryffindors' names on it.

Severus: And yet, apparently it hasn't.

Nightwing: said Wood happily as they trudged back up to the castle.

Severus: If he's so happy about all this, why does it imply he's upset by using the word "trudge?"

Nightwing: "I wouldn't be surprised if you turn out better than Charlie Weasley,

James: *puffs out his chest proudly*

Narcissa: A dead snail is better than a Weasley. I don't think it's physically possible to be worse at anything than a Weasley.

Bellatrix: Of course there are. As long as Muggles and Mudbloods still exist, there will always be two steps below Weasleys.

Narcissa: *pauses, thinking on this, then shudders*

Nightwing: and he could have played for England if he hadn't gone off chasing dragons.

Lily: But studying dragons has to be fascinating! Much more so than flying around on a broomstick all day, that's for sure.

Sirius: More fascinating than Quidditch? Prongs, what do you see in this girl?

Nightwing: Perhaps it was because he was now so busy,

James: Better busy with the greatest game ever to exist than bored in the common room!

Remus: If he's anything like you, I think that's better for everyone in the school.

Nightwing: what with Quidditch practice three evenings a week

James: Best evenings of the week, they are.

Sirius: *nods in enthusiastic agreement*

Lucius the Donkey: *sneers* Only three? We Slytherins always did five nights a week.

Sirius: And yet you're still pathetic. Maybe you should have upped that to all seven nights- Merlin knows your team needs it!

Lucius the Donkey: *glowers*

Nightwing: on top of all his homework,

James: This is why it pays to have a smart friend.

Peter: Maybe they should become friends with that Hermione girl. She's smart.

James: Oh, good Lord, no, not her. Anyone but her!

All except Nightwing: *shudder at the very thought of more Hermione*

Nightwing: Guys, I wouldn't be shuddering so soon... well, Gryffindors at least. The Slytherins haven't got a hope of liking her, what with her being Muggle-born and all. but Harry could hardly believe it when he realized that he'd already been at Hogwarts two months.

Remus: Time does fly when you're having fun... and not being abused.

Nightwing: The castle felt more like home than Privet Drive ever had.

Lucius the Donkey: Then again, I should imagine it would be rather difficult for anything not to seem superior to that Muggle dunghill. At least here he has enough to eat and isn't being thrown into a cupboard.

Nightwing: *turns him back*

Lucius: Ah, the perks of being right and earning the Authoress's agreement. *smirks and rearranges the hairs that were knocked out of place when he transformed*

Nightwing: And having the Authoress think you're sexy! Don't forget that! His lessons, too, were becoming more and more interesting

Lily: Yes! I knew he couldn't stay acting like this idiot's son through the whole chapter! He does have my genes after all! *squeals*

Nightwing: now that they had mastered the basics.

Severus: The basics of anything are never particularly interesting.

Nightwing: On Halloween morning

Sirius: *sings* This is Halloween, this is Halloween, pumpkins scream in the dead of night....

Bellatrix: Must someone always start singing?

Nightwing: Hey, I'm reading, I couldn't have done it. Somebody had to make a Nightmare Before Christmas reference, so I made Sirius do it!

Peter: Wait, when did you type that on your laptop? You had the book in your hands.

Nightwing: *pauses, then turns Peter into a donkey* Don't question the plot holes in my MST! It doesn't even have a plot for there to be holes in!

Peter the Donkey: ... yes, ma'am.

Nightwing: they woke to the delicious smell of baking pumpkin

Remus: I love that smell. The only scent I can think of that I like better is chocolate.

Nightwing: wafting through the corridors.

Severus: Wait. What did the pumpkin have to do with the boy's lessons becoming more interesting?

All: *shrug*

Nightwing: Even better, Professor Flitwick announced in Charms

Bellatrix: Naturally. It would be strange if he announced anything in Defense Against the Dark Arts....

Nightwing: that he thought they were ready to start making objects fly,

Sirius: Has this ever ended well?

Peter the Donkey: No! When we did it, you levitated a chair, lost control of it, and dropped it on my head!

Nightwing, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *snicker rather nastily*

James: I am so glad I got paired with Remus for that lesson....

Nightwing: something they had all been dying to try

Lucius: Never mind the fact that, on its own, it's not really that useful of a spell.

Bellatrix: I beg to differ. Being able to levitate heavy objects makes it so much easier to slam them into my victims' skulls!

Nightwing: since they'd seen him make Neville's toad zoom around the classroom.

Lily: Oh, the poor toad! Aren't there any animal cruelty laws in the Wizarding world?

Nightwing: Professor Flitwick put the class into pairs to practice.

Remus: Depending on who your partner is, this is usually either be really good or really bad. More often than not, it's the latter.

Peter the Donkey: *winces at the memory*

Nightwing: Harry's partner was Seamus Finnigan

Sirius: Aha! Our Irish friend! Nightwing, will you read his lines in an Irish accent?

Nightwing: I would if I could do a decent Irish accent. As it stands, all I can really do is Received Pronunciation-- proper British, for all you non-theatre people out there-- Cockney, and a little bit of Middle Eastern and Russian. Sorry. (which was a relief, because Neville had been trying to catch his eye).

Narcissa: That's rather a stroke of luck for him. Had Longbottom actually been his partner, I seriously doubt that this series would have lasted as long as it did.

Lucius: We'd get out of here sooner if he had....

Nightwing: Ron, however, was to be working with Hermione Granger.

All: *groan loudly*

Lily: Better her than someone unintelligent or someone who's lack of talent winds up dangerous, but the way she shows off is maddening.

Nightwing: It was hard to tell whether Ron or Hermione was angrier about this.

James: Hermione would be annoyed with anyone she was partnered with for not doing it absolutely perfectly the first time.

Sirius: At least Ron's anger is justified....

Nightwing: She hadn't spoken to either of them since the day Harry's broomstick had arrived.

Severus: Didn't they mention that already?

Lucius: Who cares? All I care about is that she can't continue her silence....

Nightwing: "Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!"

Sirius and James: The swish and flick! *pick up their wands and swish and flick*

Peter the Donkey: *tries to do the same without his wand, but as he has hooves instead of hands at the moment, falls flat on his face*

Nightwing, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *laugh at him*

Nightwing: You're such an idiot, Peter... but I'll have mercy on you. *turns him back*

Peter: *still lying on the floor, his pride hurt*

Nightwing: *drinks in his humiliationg before continuing to read*

Nightwing: squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual.

Sirius: Ha ha, shorty.

Nightwing: "Swish and flick,

Sirius and James: *swish and flick their wands*

remember, swish and flick.

Sirius and James: *start to swish and flick their wands*

Remus: We know the movement, you two, we don't need another demonstration.

Sirius and James: *immaturely stick their tongues out at Remus*

Nightwing: And saying the magic words properly is very important, too--

Lily: Of course it is! Saying the wrong words isn't just an error, it could be dangerous!

Nightwing: never forget Wizard Baruffio,

All: *wince*

Sirius: Poor, poor bloke...

Nightwing: who said 's' instead of 'f'

Peter: There's no F in "Wingardium Leviosa!"

Bellatrix: It was a different spell, imbecile!

Nightwing: and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest."

Remus: Not a good day to be Wizard Baruffio.

Bellatrix: Mmm... I notice he glossed over the fact that the buffalo proceeded to go on a rampage and trampled Baruffio half to death.

Nightwing: It was very difficult.

Lucius: No, it isn't. I got my feather up on the first try!

Lily: Come on, Harry, can't you have inherited my talent for Charms?

Nightwing: Harry and Seamus swished and flicked,

Severus: Didn't they say the incantation? How stupid are these Gryffindors?

Nightwing: but the feather they were supposed to be sending skyward

Narcissa: Who uses the word skyward? Is it too easy to simply say "up?"

Nightwing: just lay on the desktop.

Severus: That's what happens when you don't say the incantation! Wand motions can only get you so far!

Nightwing: Seamus got so impatient

Remus: Uh-oh. Impatience always has some bad consequence or other. Magic takes time and effort, just like anything else.

Nightwing: that he prodded it with his wand and set fire to it--

James: Funny, I did exactly the same thing my first time doing that spell, although it wasn't because I was being impatient.

Remus: Yes, it was. You said the incantation wrong, but it was mostly impatience.

Nightwing: Harry had to put it out with his hat.

Narcissa: Wouldn't his hat have caught on fire?

Lucius: There's a reason neither Potters nor Gryffindors are known for their startling intellect.

Nightwing: Ron, at the next table, wasn't having much more luck.

Bellatrix: Of course he wasn't. Would anyone be fool enough to expect any intelligence or magical prowess from a Weasley?

Nightwing: "Wingardium Leviosa!" he shouted,

James: That sounds right to me.

Lily: No, it wasn't, listen to the way Nightwing pronounced it. She said Win-gar-dium Levi-o-sa, but it's Win-gar-dium Levi-o-sa. Can't you hear the difference?

Severus: So the Muggle girl can't pronounce a spell properly. That means nothing.

Nightwing: I'll have you know that I meant to do that to make this next scene make more sense! I know this book better than you do, and, as an actress, I know how to read lines properly. I would thank you to keep your fat mouth shut, Snivellus!

Severus: *rather taken aback at being spoken to like that by someone besides the Marauders*

Sirius: Good work, Nightwing.

Nightwing: *beams* waving his long arms like a windmill.

Bellatrix: That is most certainly not a proper swish and flick. Idiot.

Nightwing: "You're saying it wrong," Harry heard Hermione snap.

Peter: That could have been a bit more polite.

"It's Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa,

Lucius: I would so love to hear this girl in front of a Death Eater. *mocking Hermione* It's A-vad-a Ke-dav-ra...."

Nightwing: make the 'gar' nice and long."

Sirius: Does that really make that much of a difference?

Remus: If you want to make your feather fly, then yes, it does.

Nightwing: "You do it, then, if you're so clever," Ron snarled.

James: He's going to regret that in about ten seconds....

Nightwing: Hermione rolled up the sleeves of her gown,

Narcissa: Mudbloods are allowed gowns now, instead of normal robes? Dumbledore really has butchered the integrity of this school!

Nightwing: flicked her wand,

Sirius: But she didn't swish! Ha! This isn't going to work!

Nightwing: and said, "Wingardium Leviosa!"

Peter: With a nice long gar?

Nightwing: Their feather rose off the desk

James: Apparently.

Nightwing: and hovered about four feet above their heads.

Remus: Wow, she got it high. I only managed about two feet my first time.

Nightwing: "Oh, well done!" cried Professor Flitwick, clapping.

Bellatrix: No one should ever say well done to a Mudblood. That's disgusting blasphemy.

Nightwing: "Everyone see here, Miss Granger's done it!"

Severus: Bully for her-- honestly, is it really such a big deal that someone's managed to accomplish the goal of the lesson? Has he really done that every year for twenty years?

Nightwing: Ron was in a very bad mood by the end of the class.

Narcissa: So would anyone else if they had to put up with that swotty exhibitionist of a Mudblood for an entire class period!

Nightwing: "It's no wonder no one can stand her,"

Lucius: She's a Mudblood.

Severus: Not to mention that she's maddeningly irritating and has a superiority complex.

Bellatrix: Her parents are dirty Muggles-- what right has she to have a superiority complex?

Severus: Exactly, Bella. Exactly.

Lily: *hurt* Severus!

Nightwing: he said to Harry as they pushed their way into the crowded corridor,

Remus: I don't like the sound of that. Anyone can hear them where there are a lot of people.

Sirius: So? Everyone in school's going to agree with him, aren't they?

Remus: What if Hermione's one of those many people?

Sirius and James: Who cares?

Remus: *long suffering sigh* You two are so insensitive....

Nightwing: "she's a nightmare, honestly."

Peter: Ouch, that's harsh.

James: It's true, though.

Nightwing: Someone knocked into Harry as they hurried past him.

Severus: Fascinating. This is relevant... how, exactly?

Nightwing: It was Hermione.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *wince*

Severus: Ah. That's how.

Bellatrix: At last, the Mudblood realizes her true worth in this world-- absolutely nothing! I do hope she leaves it...

Nightwing: Hey, this was written as a children's book. Just because it matured with its readers doesn't mean there can be suicide this early on. It hasn't gotten that dark yet. Harry caught a glimpse of her face--

Lucius: And his eyes promptly burned out of their sockets due to the repulsiveness of her looks. Her horrid hair didn't help much, either. *tosses his own lovely hair back*

Nightwing: and was startled to see that she was in tears.

Lily: POTTER!

James: What?! Harry didn't even do anything!
Lily: HE MADE FRIENDS WITH A PRAT WHO MADE A GIRL CRY!

James: *looks over at Sirius, Remus, and Peter* How is this my fault?

Sirius, Remus, and Peter: *shrug*

Nightwing: "I think she heard you."

Severus: Really? And whatever could have led you to that most brilliant of deductions?

Nightwing: "So?" said Ron,

Lily: So? He brings the girl to tears, and all he has to say for himself is so? How can anyone be such an unfeeling prick?

Narcissa: He's a Weasley. They're not adequate in anything.

Nightwing: but he looked a bit uncomfortable.

Peter: That's probably a good thing.

Sirius: Really. For a minute, there, I was sizing this kid up for the Junior Death Eaters.

Bellatrix: As if we would accept one of those demon spawn anyway!

Nightwing: "She must've noticed she's got no friends."

Remus: Not a hard thing to notice, really, but I'm sure she could have done without the reminder.

Nightwing: Hermione didn't turn up for the next class

Remus: Wow. She really is upset.

Sirius: Nice going, Ron.

Nightwing: and wasn't seen all afternoon.

Bellatrix: Ugh, Mudbloods! Suck it up, no words are worth this much reaction!

Narcissa: Haven't we established by now that she's desperate for attention?

James: Good Lord, you lot are heartless.

Nightwing: On their way down to the Great Hall for the Halloween feast,

Peter: The one way to make anyone forget about anything troubling them! Mmm....

Nightwing: Harry and Ron overheard Parvati Patil telling her friend Lavender that Hermione was crying in the girls' bathroom

Remus: All day?!

Sirius: Bloody hell, even I've never made a girl cry for that long!

Lily: *pissed off* You've made girls cry?

Sirius: When I break up with them, they always cry. They get over it quickly enough.

Bellatrix: All she wants is attention. This is certainly giving that filthy creature what she wants... this madness must be stopped!

Nightwing: and wanted to be left alone.

Bellatrix: Alone my arse. How can anyone pity her if they don't see her?

Lily: Is no one but me considering the fact that she really could be upset as a possibility?

Nightwing: Ron looked still more awkward at this,

Remus: Awkward? Try repentant.

Nightwing: but a moment later they had entered the Great Hall,

Sirius: Which was filled from floor to ceiling with muffins intent on destroying them and everything they held dear. Thus, Hermione became the least of their problems as all of Hogwarts was annihilated by the greatest evil the world has ever known.

Lily: This is not the time for your damned muffins, Black!

Nightwing: where the Halloween decorations put Hermione out of their minds.

James: Understandable-- those decorations are wicked!

Lily: Boys! Get to Hermione, is she all right?

Nightwing: You'll see. A thousand live bats fluttered from the walls and ceiling

James: *shudders* I hate bats.

Sirius: *snickers* Remember that one time--

James: *turns pink* Shut up.

Sirius: But it was so funny!

James: No. No, it wasn't.

Nightwing: What happened?

Sirius: *ignoring James's protests* At the Halloween feast of our first year, one of the live bats swooped down and landed in James's soup. He shrieked like a girl and overturned the bowl.

Nightwing: *giggles insanely*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *also laugh at James, clearly ready to use this as blackmail*

James: *glowers*

Nightwing: while a thousand more swooped over the tables in low black clouds,

Sirius, Nightwing, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *snicker*

James: I hate you all. I'll have you know that I don't always scream like that!

Severus: Of course not... only when there are bats around. *smirks*

James: Shut it, Snivellus.

Nightwing: making the candles in the pumpkins stutter.

Peter: Rather like Quirrel would.

Lily: Please don't mention that man unless he has to be mentioned. Ugh....

Nightwing: The feast appeared suddenly on the golden plates,

Bellatrix: Just as it always does.

Nightwing: as it had at the start-of-term banquet.

Bellatrix: And every other mealtime he's ever had at Hogwarts. Why is this a source of continued amusment to this twit?

Narcissa: Because he's a twit. Do you need more of a reason than that?

Nightwing: Harry was just helping himself to a baked potato

Lucius: Fascinating. How much less of this book would there be if they didn't keep mentioning these pointless details?

Nightwing: You think that's bad? You should read some Victor Hugo. He's got whole chapters about pointless details right in the middle of the story. when Professor Quirrell came sprinting into the hall,

Lily: I'm already on edge about Hermione, do we have to throw this idiot in here, too?!

Nightwing: his turban askew and terror on his face.

Severus: Honestly, if something that frightening has befallen the school, one would hope the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher would be able to handle it. Isn't that what they're paid to be experts of?

Nightwing: You'd be surprised at what sorts of idiots turn up for that post over the course of the series....

Sirius: Besides, no one is safe from the evil power of muffins.

Nightwing: Everyone stared as he reached Professor Dumbledore's chair,

Remus: I would expect so-- I'd be curious as to what he was so scared of.

Nightwing: slumped against the table,

Bellatrix: *gleefully* Ooh, did he just die?

Nightwing: and gasped, "Troll--

Lily: *screams*

James: What?

Sirius: A troll? A bloody troll?

Peter: *squeaks* How could a troll get into Hogwarts?

All: *shrug*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *grin evilly*

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *sit on the edge of their beanbag chairs anxiously*

Nightwing: in the dungeons--

Severus: Excuse me? I want no trolls around my classroom, thank you.

Nightwing: thought you ought to know."

Remus: Of course he ought to know! He's the Headmaster! Besides, if the Defense teacher can't defend them, I can't think of a better person to do it than Dumbledore.

Nightwing: He then sank to the floor in a dead faint.

Lucius: My God, I know it's been said before, but if this is the man who's supposed to be protecting the students, this school really has gone to the dogs.

Narcissa: All the more reason for you to become a governor!

Nightwing: There was an uproar.

Bellatrix: As would be expected! There's a bloody troll in the school!

Nightwing: It took several purple firecrackers

Narcissa: Not red ones? Are we sure we don't want to celebrate the Gryffindors some more?

Nightwing: exploding from the end of Professor Dumbledore's wand to bring silence.

Severus: Could he not just have cast a Silencio spell over the hall? That would have been a far quicker way to bring order.

Nightwing: "Prefects," he rumbled, "lead your Houses back to the dormitories immediately!"

Lucius: The Slytherin dormitories are in the dungeons! Do they want the school's elite to be killed?

Severus: Knowing the general preference for Gryffindors, do you really want an answer to that?

Nightwing: Percy was in his element.

Sirius: Ugh, first Quirrell, now this git? I'm so glad you were never so stuck up about being a prefect, Moony.

Remus: You're welcome.

Nightwing: "Follow me! Stick together, first years!

James: As well as anyone else who doesn't want their head smashed in.

Lily: Oh, don't even joke, Potter!

Nightwing: No need to fear the troll if you follow my orders!

Bellatrix: What are you going to do, order it not to kill you? Ha! Being a prefect doesn't make you all powerful!

Nightwing: Stay close behind me, now.

Lucius: *as Percy* Maybe the stench of my family name will keep even a troll away!

Narcissa and Bellatrix: *snicker*

Nightwing: Make way, first years coming through!

Peter: I thought Dumbledore said to bring all the students to their dormitories.

Nightwing: Excuse me, I'm a prefect!"

Sirius: You're a bloody prefect, not the Messiah.

Nightwing: "How could a troll get in?" Harry asked as they climbed the stairs.

Lily: *has been shaking with her hands over her mouth this whole time* My thoughts exactly! *squeaks in terror*

James: *puts a comforting hand on her shoulder*

Lily: *slaps it away before putting her hand back over her face*

Nightwing: "Don't ask me, they're supposed to be really stupid," said Ron.

Severus: Supposed to be? They are stupid.

Remus: It's probably a good thing he hasn't had a way to test that before now.

Lily: It's really bad that he has a way to test it now!

Nightwing: "Maybe Peeves let it in for a Halloween joke."

Sirius: No way! That's not his style-- he likes to cause mayhem, but he'd never do anything that dangerous. He loves seeing people freak out, but he wouldn't want them to get killed.

Nightwing: They passed different groups of people hurrying in different directions.

Severus: That was both not specific in the slightest, and completely unnecessary.

Nightwing: Will you please stop bitching and moaning about every detail she puts in? She's trying to add a bit of color, geez. As they jostled their way through a crowd of confused Hufflepuffs,

Bellatrix: That was rather redundant. Hufflepuffs never know what's going on.

Nightwing: Harry suddenly grabbed Ron's

Sirius: *opens his mouth to say something*

Nightwing: arm.

Sirius: Did you really have to cut me off there?

Nightwing: Yes. Yes, I did. Besides, everyone knows what you were going to say anyway. "I've just thought--Hermione."

Narcissa: Why would you want to think about her?

Lucius: Because he's a Gryffindor and he has a hero complex.

Nightwing: "What about her?"

Sirius: I think I'm in love with her!

James: Don't even joke, Padfoot. He's got better taste than that.

Nightwing: "She doesn't know about the troll."

Severus: Leave her there. No one likes her anyway, you'd be doing the world a favor.

Lily: *still seriously freaking out* No one deserves to be killed by a troll!

Nightwing: Ron bit his lip.

Lily: *now slightly hysterical* Don't stop to think about it! Save her! Save her!

Bellatrix: Gryffindors!

Nightwing: "Oh, all right," he snapped.

Peter: Don't sound so eager about it.

Nightwing: "But Percy'd better not see us."

Narcissa: *innocently* He won't see you if you don't go...

Nightwing: Ducking down, they joined the Hufflepuffs going the other way,

Severus: He's going to be rather conspicuous hiding amongst Hufflepuffs. The trim on his robes is red, the trim on theirs is yellow. It's terrible camouflage... but then again, neither Potters nor Gryffindors are noted for their intelligence.

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *glower at Severus*

Nightwing: slipped down a deserted side corridor,

Remus: I have a bad feeling about this. Deserted corridors never mean anything good in literature.

Nightwing: and hurried off toward the girls' bathroom.

James: You'd better hope that's not the toilet where Moaning Myrtle lives.

Nightwing: They had just turned the corner when they heard quick footsteps behind them.

Lily: *losing her head completely* IT'S THE TROLL!

Lucius: Of course it's not, you Mudblood imbecile. Trolls aren't capable of doing anything quickly.

Nightwing: "Percy!" hissed Ron,

Lily: *sighs in relief*

James: Why is anything involving that git a good thing?

Lily: Harry getting a detention is much better than Harry getting killed!

Nightwing: pulling Harry behind a large stone griffin.

Sirius: No, don't hide! Fight like a man!

Nightwing: Peering around it, however, they saw not Percy but

Lily: *screams again* IT'S THE TR--

Remus: Relax, Lily. Even if it was the troll, we still have six and a half books to go, remember?

Nightwing: Snape.

Sirius: *screams, mimicking Lily* EVEN WORSE!

Severus and Lily: *glower*

James: Hang on. What are you doing there? Why aren't you with the other teachers?

Sirius: Hey, yeah! On your way to check on your handiwork, Snivellus?

Severus: Don't be absurd. If I wanted students dead, I wouldn't have put the troll down in the dungeons while everyone was in the Great Hall. Actually, I wouldn't use a troll at all-- that's much too crude.

Sirius and James: *scoff, clearly not believing this*

Sirius: Or maybe he's going to try and check out that forbidden corridor. Everyone else is panicking, it would be a great opportunity to get whatever's hidden back there.

Severus: *rolls his eyes, knowing he'd be wasting his time to try and convince those two he's not up to anything*

Nightwing: He crossed the corridor and disappeared from view.

James: Off to try his hand at getting past that dog.

Sirius: *glares at Severus* I hope it rips you limb from limb.

Nightwing: "What's he doing?" Harry whispered.

Remus: I'd rather like to know the same thing!

Nightwing: "Why isn't he down in the dungeons with the rest of the teachers?"

Sirius: Because he's a slimy evil git after the treasure under the trapdoor!

Lucius: *claps Severus on the shoulder* I knew you had it in you, Severus.

Nightwing: "Search me."

Sirius: *in a tone that says that Harry and Ron are idiots* Because he's an evil slimy git who--

Severus: I am not trying to steal whatever that dog is guarding!

Nightwing: Quietly as possible, they crept along the next corridor after Snape's fading footsteps.

Narcissa: Nosy little thing, isn't he?

Severus: Far be it for a Gryffindor to ever consider a Slytherin not to be up to something.

Nightwing: "He's heading for the third floor," Harry said,

James: Can you really blame him?

Sirius: You are after that treasure!

Severus: *lip curls*

Nightwing: but Ron held up his hand. "Can you smell something?"

Bellatrix: Nothing more than the stench coming off of you, Weasley.

Nightwing: Harry sniffed and a foul stench reached his nostrils,

Lily: Oh no, oh no, oh no....

Remus: Yeah, I think this one might actually be the troll....

Lily: *shrieks in terror*

Nightwing: a mixture of old socks and the kind of public toilet no one seems to clean.

Bellatrix: That certainly sounds like he's smelling the Weasley.

James: No, that's definitely the troll. Harry, run....

Lucius: A Gryffindor, telling his son to run fron danger?

James: He's a bloody first year, Malfoy, and even a Gryffindor can get in over their head!

Nightwing: And then they heard it--a low grunting,

Remus: That doesn't have to be the troll. It could just be Padfoot sleeping.

Sirius: *mock scowls*

Nightwing: and the shuffling footfalls of gigantic feet.

Sirius: *grins, seeing a chance to get Remus back for that remark* And that could just be Moony walking to class after a late night studying.

Remus: *rolls his eyes* Touche.

Nightwing: Ron pointed--at the end of a passage to the left, something huge was moving toward them.

James: *screams in his horrible falsetto* It's SUPER SNAPE!

Sirius: No, worse! It's a giant muffin! *screams in his much better falsetto*

Lily: Stop making jokes, you lot, it's the troll! *starts hyperventilating* Six and a half books left, six and a half books left, six and a half books left....

Nightwing: *summons a paper bag for her to breathe into* They shrank into the shadows

Bellatrix: Shadows offer absolutely no cover. Even a troll will be able to find them.

Nightwing: and watched as it emerged into a patch of moonlight.

Remus: Always convenient when you need a dramatic reveal.

Nightwing: It was a horrible sight.

James: Snape's always a horrible sight, especially when he's huge.

Sirius: So are giant muffins.

Lily: So are TROLLS! *wails*

Nightwing: Twelve feet tall, its skin was a dull, granite gray,

Remus: A mountain troll? Oh, bloody hell, get out of there, Harry!

Nightwing: its great lumpy body like a boulder with its small bald head perched on top like a coconut.

Peter: I'll never look at coconuts the same way again.

Nightwing: It had short legs thick as tree trunks with flat, horny feet.

Sirius: Well, that was a rather poor choice of words. I mean, horny? Do its feet want to do Harry and Ron or something?

Remus: Let it go, Padfoot. Just let it go.

Nightwing: The smell coming from it was incredible.

Lucius: That's one way of describing it.

Severus: She already described it. I'd rather skip at least one unnecessary description, if it's all the same.

Nightwing: It was holding a huge wooden club,

Peter: Get out of there, Harry!

Remus: No, wait until the troll has passed, then get out of there. You don't want it to see them.

Nightwing: which dragged along the floor because its arms were so long.

Narcissa: *shudders* If anything did that to the marble floor in our house, I would make it pay! Even if it was just a stupid troll!

Nightwing: The troll stopped next to a doorway and peered inside.

Sirius: I see a really good opportunity to trap the thing here....

Nightwing: It waggled its long ears,

Remus: That means it's found something it likes.

James: God, I hope it's Snape. Then we don't have to put up with him anymore because he'll just be a smear on the floor when the troll's done!

Sirius: Should have known better than to trust a troll to do your dirty work!

Severus: *glares*

Nightwing: making up its tiny mind, then slouched slowly into the room.

Sirius: Ready to beat the life out of that greaseball!

Nightwing: "The key's in the lock," Harry muttered.

Bellatrix: Isn't that convenient?

Nightwing: "We could lock it in."

Lily: *starting to calm down a little* This was far easier than I expected.

Remus: I wouldn't get complacent yet. I have a bad feeling about this.

Sirius: You have a bad feeling about everything.

Nightwing: "Good idea," said Ron nervously.

Remus: Was it?

Lily: Okay, now you have me paranoid again....

Remus: Think about it. Where's the only room in the castle we know that there's someone inside?

Lily: *groans in dread* The girls' bathroom....

Lucius: *grins* Excellent.

Nightwing: They edged toward the open door,

Peter: Personally, I'd be running as fast as I could in the other direction, but....

Nightwing: mouths dry, praying the troll wasn't about to come out of it.

Sirius: If it does, you're pretty screwed.

Nightwing: With one great leap,

Narcissa: You don't have to leap, you twit, why do you think Flitwick taught you Wingardium Leviosa?

Nightwing: Harry managed to grab the key, slam the door, and lock it.

Sirius and James: Yes! *high five*

Remus: Not so fast. Remember what I said?

James: Please. You're just being paranoid.

Remus: How many times have I been right so far?

Nightwing:"Yes!"

Remus: This boy really does jump to conclusions far too easily.

Nightwing: Flushed with their victory,

Severus: Flushed. An appropriate verb for what lies behind the door.

Nightwing: they started to run back up the passage,

Bellatrix: Thus increasing the time the Mudblood will be alone with the troll. *grins evilly* Even inadvertantly, they're doing our noble work for us!

Peter: The noble work of getting people smashed by trolls?

Nightwing: but as they reached the corner they heard something that made their hearts stop--

Narcissa: Wonderful! A Potter and a Weasley just met their end, and the Mudblood is soon to follow!

Nightwing: a high, petrified scream--

Lily: *screams herself, now deathly pale*

Bellatrix: *still grinning insanely* Then silence. Sweet, sweet silence, for the Mudblood we all loathe was never to open her mouth again!

Severus: Lily, why are you so frightened? We don't like her.

Lily: No one deserves to die like that!

Severus: Gryffindors....

Nightwing: and it was coming from the chamber they'd just chained up.

Remus: *looks smug*

Sirius: Don't say a word.

James: Get in there, Harry! Save her!

Lucius: And there they go with that bloody hero complex....

Nightwing: "Oh, no," said Ron, pale as the Bloody Baron.

Lucius: Surely that's a bit of an exaggeration.

Nightwing: "It's the girls' bathroom!" Harry gasped.

Narcissa: Oddly enough, we'd figured that out for ourselves.

Nightwing: "Hermione!"

Severus: Who cares?

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: We care!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: Gryffindors!

Nightwing: they said together.

Sirius and James: Best friends forever! Because they're talking together!

Remus: Stop doing that.

Sirius and James: Doing what?

Remus: One, talking at the same time. It's creepy. Two, talking in rhyme.

Nightwing: It was the last thing they wanted to do,

Severus: So don't do it! Why is self-preservation such a foreign concept to you lot?

Nightwing: but what choice did they have?

Lucius: Letting her die alone or with those two at her side? What a difficult decision indeed....

Nightwing: Wheeling around, they sprinted back to the door and turned the key,

Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Lily: *cheer*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *facepalm*

Lily: Come on, Harry, you can do this.... Please don't die, please don't die....

James: Six and a half books, Lil, six and a half books.

Lily: *glares at him* Don't call me Lil.

Nightwing: fumbling in their panic.

Sirius: Please. Gryffindors do not panic.

Remus: First years faced with a mountain troll do.

Nightwing: Harry pulled the door open and they ran inside.

Bellatrix: And were immediately crushed to death under the trollo's club. Series over, can we leave now?

Lily: MY SON IS NOT GOING TO DIE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! WE STILL HAVE SIX AND A HALF BOOKS LEFT TO READ! *breathes heavily, looking more than a little insane*

All except Lily: *edge away from Lily*

Lily: *continues whimpering nonstop throughout the whole troll scene*

Nightwing: Hermione Granger was shrinking against the wall opposite,

Lucius: And this girl's a Gryffindor?

Remus: Any first year would be outmatched by a mountain troll, Malfoy, even a Gryffindor.

Lucius: Yes, yes, I know that. I'm simply amazed she realized that she's outmatched.

Nightwing: looking as if she was about to faint.

Sirius: Don't just stand there! Run! Fight! Do something!

James: Way to be decisive, Padfoot.

Nightwing: The troll was advancing on her,

Sirius: "Hey, baby, look at the size of my club?"

Remus: No. It was advancing on her, not making advances on her.

Sirius: You're no fun.

Nightwing: knocking the sinks off the walls as it went.

Narcissa: Fortunately, magic lets you save quite a lot of money on property damages.

Nightwing: "Confuse it!" Harry said desperately to Ron,

Bellatrix: That shouldn't be hard, as it's their natural state. I'm sure a Potter and a Weasley will find a way to foul it up somehow, though, the imbeciles.

Nightwing: and, seizing a tap, he threw it as hard as he could against the wall.

Severus: That's a good strategy for a short while, but he'll need a method of distracting it that's rather more lasting.

Nightwing: The troll stopped a few feet from Hermione.

Remus: Actually, Severus, I think that was the general idea.

Lucius: Clearly this isn't one of the more intelligent trolls. They're still stupid, but they would swing the club to knock the Mudblood's head off, then go looking for the noise.

Nightwing: It lumbered around, blinking stupidly,

James: That's kind of redundant. It's how trolls do everything.

Peter: What is?

James: Stupidly.

Nightwing: to see what had made the noise.

Severus: How about the people in the room? This is pathetic even for a troll!

Nightwing: Its mean little eyes saw Harry.

Lily: *screams* NO! Harry!

James: Calm down, Lily, he'll be okay.

Lily: *goes back to whimpering*

Nightwing: It hesitated, then made for him instead,

Lily: *whimpering gets steadily louder*

Bellatrix: Nightwing, can't you shut her up? I can hardly hear you read!

Nightwing: Sorry, Lil, but that is getting kind of annoying, even if you do have a good reason. *types on laptop and takes her voice*

Lily: *expression doesn't change. At all.*

Nightwing: lifting its club as it went.

James: Put that damn thing down, and not on my son's head!

Nightwing: "Oy, pea-brain!" yelled Ron

Sirius: *as the troll* Hey, Pea-Brain is my brother, thank you very much!

Nightwing: from the other side of the chamber,

Lucius: Of Secrets?

Remus: Malfoy, what are you talking about?

Lucius: My father told me this legend about a monster living under the school in a secret chamber. According to him, about thirty years ago, it went on a rampage, Petrified a load of Mudbloods and killed a girl before the culprit was arrested. I'm actually quite amazed none of you have heard of it! Even if they did try to hush it all up, it's got to be written down somewhere....

Nightwing: and he threw a metal pipe at it.

Severus: That will never work. Trolls have too much muscle and skin too thick to notice anything short of a bomb thrown at it.

Nightwing: The troll didn't even seem to notice the pipe hitting its shoulder,

Severus: See? *smirks smugly*

Sirius: You certainly know a lot about trolls, Snape....

James: Enough to let one into the school, perhaps?

Severus: Don't be ridiculous, I pay attention in Defense Against the Dark Arts is all.

Nightwing: but it heard the yell and paused again,

Lily: *whimpers silently, curling up in her beanbag chair away from the book*

Narcissa: For God's sake, Evans, even if it is about our futures, it's still only a book!

Lily: *glares at her*

Nightwing: turning its ugly snout toward Ron instead,

Bellatrix: Him, you can kill. Potter's boy is the hero, so he can't die yet, but the Weasley is dispensable. I'm sure there will be another one to take its place in a few moments anyway.

Nightwing: giving Harry time to run around it.

Lucius: Ah, so the Weasley's finally discovering his true purpose in life: a human sacrifice.

Nightwing: "Come on, run, run!" Harry yelled at Hermione,

Peter: She has to be told to run away from a troll?

Severus: A Gryffindor through and through.

Sirius: Shut up, Snape.

Nightwing: trying to pull her toward the door, but she couldn't move,

Narcissa: Couldn't, or wouldn't? Your House is notoriously suicidal, after all.

Nightwing: she was still flat against the wall,

Peter: But that makes her an easy target for the troll! Even I know that!

Nightwing: her mouth open with terror.

Bellatrix: Rather like Evans here.

Lily: *has shrunk as far back into her chair, her mouth open with terror and her hands over her eyes*

James: *pats her arm sympathetically*

Lily: *swats his hand away, annoyed*

Nightwing: The shouting and the echoes seemed to be driving the troll berserk.

Remus: Actually, berserk is a troll's natural state. Shouting and echoes just enrage them more.

Sirius: Moony, you're not helping.

Nightwing: It roared again and started toward Ron,

Peter: Wasn't it already going for Ron?

Remus: No, it turned its head towards Ron. Now it's walking towards him.

Nightwing: who was nearest and had no way to escape.

Lucius: And no one cares, because he's a Weasley and there are far too many of them as it is.

Nightwing: Harry then did something that was both very brave

James: *grins triumphantly* Excellent! My son is a Gryffindor through and through!

Nightwing: and very stupid:

James: *grin turns into a scowl*

Severus: *smirks* Indeed he is.

James: Shut up, Snape.

Nightwing: He took a great running jump and managed to fasten his arms around the troll's neck from behind.

All: *completely stunned by the sheer idiocy of this move*

Sirius: Bloody hell, Harry, are you trying to kill yourself?

Peter: *thoughtfully* Harry must have really long arms.

Nightwing: The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there,

Remus: Seventy or so pounds of eleven year old boy can't be much to eight hundred pounds of troll.

Nightwing: but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its

Sirius: Arse?

All except Sirius: *long-suffering sighs*

Nightwing: nose,

Sirius: This book exists to be boring....

Nightwing: and Harry's wand had still been in his hand when he'd jumped--

James: Harry, that is a brand new wand, and I won't be around to buy you a new one!

Nightwing: it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: Eugh!

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Lily: *look revolted*

Nightwing: Howling with pain,

Remus: And probably confusion.

Nightwing: the troll twisted and flailed its club,

Sirius: Yee-haw! Ride 'em, Harry!

All except Sirius: *give Sirius weird looks*

Nightwing: with Harry clinging on for dear life;

Lucius: I'm not sure clinging on is going to be much help. Jumping onto a troll's back is a surefire way to become a smear on it.

Nightwing: any second, the troll was going to rip him off

Bellatrix: *gleefully* Splat!

Nightwing: or catch him a terrible blow with the club.

Bellatrix: Smash!

Nightwing: Hermione had sunk to the floor in fright;

Severus: Oh, she's going to be a marvelous help in the future. She deals with pressure so well.

Nightwing: Ron pulled out his own wand--

Narcissa: This can't possibly end well for any of the parties involved. *smirks*

Nightwing: not knowing what he was going to do,

Lucius: So typical of a Weasley.

Nightwing: he heard himself cry the first spell that came into his head:

Bellatrix: Avada Kedavra?

Remus: Hey, wait, the author just changed viewpoints!

Nightwing: "Wingardium Leviosa!"

Narcissa: *bursts into derisive laughter* What exactly is that going to do?

Remus: Actually, I can think of quite a few things.

Nightwing: The club flew suddenly out of the troll's hand,

Lily: *sighs in relief*

Nightwing: rose high, high up into the air,

Peter: Because that's what that spell does.

Nightwing: turned slowly over--and dropped, with a sickening crack, onto

Bellatrix: Harry.

Lily: *glares*

Nightwing: its owner's head.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter: *cheer loudly*

Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix: *blink, stunned*

Nightwing: *types on her laptop and gives Lily her voice back*

Lily: *joins in the Gryffindor boys' cheering*

Nightwing: The troll swayed on the spot and then fell flat on its face,

Lily: Good. Poor Harry would have been crushed if it fallen on its back!

Nightwing: with a thud that made the whole room tremble.

Lucius: I'm sure the mice and rats living in the walls appreciated that.

Narcissa: *shudders* Ew....

Sirius and James: *look at Peter, getting an idea, and grin evilly*

Peter: *snickers behind his hand*

Nightwing: Harry got to his feet. He was shaking and out of breath.

Remus: Anybody would be after surviving something like that, especially a couple of first years.

James: *whoops* My son is amazing!

Lily: And so are his friends.

James: And so are his friends!

Nightwing: Ron was standing there with his wand still raised, staring at what he had done.

Bellatrix: Trust a Weasley to be stunned by accomplishing something. It doesn't happen often, after all.

Nightwing: It was Hermione who spoke first.

Severus: Of course it was. She's gone entirely too long without being annoying.

Nightwing: "Is it--dead?"

Narcissa: Don't be absurd. No first year could get enough power behind a Levitation Charm to kill a troll!

Nightwing: "I don't think so," said Harry, "I think it's just been knocked out."

Remus: *nods* Much more realistic.

Lily: Good to know my son has a practical view of things, unlike his egotistical prat of a father.

James: What did I do now?!

Nightwing: He bent down and pulled his wand out of the troll's nose.

Narcissa: *shudders*

Nightwing: It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

All: Eurgh! *make various faces of disgust*

Remus: I hope he gives that a good cleaning before trying any spells with it.... *shudders*

Nightwing: "Urgh--troll boogers."

All: *shudder again, still revolted*

Nightwing: He wiped it on the troll's trousers.

Severus: That will only make it dirtier.

Nightwing: A sudden slamming and loud footsteps made the three of them look up.

Peter: There's another one?!

Nightwing: They hadn't realized what a racket they had been making,

Lucius: It's a troll! It's going to make noise, you twit!

Nightwing: but of course, someone downstairs must have heard the crashes and the troll's roars.

Lucius: As common sense should have told him, were it possible for a Gryffindor to have any.

Nightwing: A moment later, Professor McGonagall had come bursting into the room,

Peter: Where was she when the fight was going on? I thought everyone heard the noise from the troll!

Severus: Off having a cup of tea safely in her office, I'm sure. She knew her lovely perfect little Gryffindors could handle it.

Remus: No, Wormtail's got a point. Why did none of the teachers show up?

Sirius: And I wouldn't be talking, Snivellus, none of the teachers tried to help, and that includes you.

Nightwing: closely followed by Snape,

Sirius: See?

Severus: *looks sour* I expect I was--

James: In the third floor corridor trying to get past that dog? Yeah, we know.

Nightwing: with Quirrell bringing up the rear.

Narcissa: We know why he wasn't there, the coward.

Nightwing: Quirrell took one look at the troll, let out a faint whimper,

Lily: Oh, for the love of Merlin, shouldn't a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher be able to look at a fainted Dark creature without fear?

Nightwing: and sat quickly down on a toilet,

James: *as Quirrel* I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that haggis at the Halloween feast!

Nightwing: clutching his heart.

Bellatrix: *gleefully* Ooh, is he about to have a heart attack?

Nightwing: Snape bent over the troll.

Sirius: Because he hadn't gotten any for a very long time and had heard that trolls were excellent lovers.

Severus: Shut up, Black.

Nightwing: Professor McGonagall was looking at Ron and Harry.

James: Glowing with pride at their magnificent feat? Not many first years could have defeated a mountain troll and lived to tell about it!

Nightwing: Harry had never seen her look so angry.

Sirius: Bad luck, Prongs.

James: Why should she be angry? That was amazing, what they did!

Lily: It was amazing, but it was also appallingly stupid.

James: I'm sorry, next time you're cornered in a bathroom by a vicious twelve-foot troll, I'll just leave you there to die, shall I?

Nightwing: Her lips were white.

Remus: Isn't that a symptom of dehydration?

Nightwing: Hopes of winning fifty points for Gryffindor

James: *sulkily* Like he should have, by all accounts, and an Award for Special Services to the school wouldn't go amiss, either.

Nightwing: faded quickly from Harry's mind.

Sirius: Because McGonagall is wildly unfair.

Lucius: Welcome to our world.

Nightwing: "What on earth were you thinking of?" said Professor McGonagall,

Peter: It just said-- he was thinking of winning fifty points for Gryffindor!

Nightwing: with cold fury in her voice.

Remus: Why is she so angry? At least someone got rid of it....

Nightwing: Harry looked at Ron, who was still standing with his wand in the air.

Bellatrix: Put your wand down, idiot, you're not impressing anyone!

Nightwing: "You're lucky you weren't killed.

James: Damn straight he wasn't killed! We Potters have an extraordinary amount of luck.

Lucius: Just like all Gryffindors. Otherwise you surely wouldn't have lived so long.

Nightwing: Why aren't you in your dormitory?"

Sirius: Because there was a damsel in distress to be rescued, of course!

Nightwing: Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look.

James: I'd like to give you a swift, piercing knife to the throat.

Severus: All that anger for simply looking at your son wrong, Potter? Really?

Nightwing: Harry looked at the floor.

Sirius: Look up, lad, you did a great thing and you should be proud of it, no matter what the teachers say!

Nightwing: He wished Ron would put his wand down.

Narcissa: So do the rest of us.

Nightwing: Then a small voice came out of the shadows.

James: A chicken?

Peter: A monkey!

Sirius: A muffin.... *shudder*

Remus: *sighs* And here I thought we could go a chapter without that....

Sirius: Don't be mental, Nightwing here got a lot of complaint the one time she went a chapter without any donkeys. We couldn't let her go without her other running joke, can we?

Nightwing: Thanks, guys! *beams* "Please, Professor McGonagall--they were looking for me."

Sirius: And if there's anything the Head of Gryffindor should be able to understand, it's a rescue mission!

Nightwing: "Miss Granger!" Hermione had managed to get to her feet at last.

Lucius: Ugh, tell me the troll wakes up and smashes her.

Nightwing: "I went looking for the troll because I--

Bellatrix: This is such a lie.

Lily: I suppose it's better than admitting she was in there crying. That's just humiliating.

Nightwing: I thought I could deal with it on my own--

Severus: Oh, yes, because as a first year who knows one charm and no defensive spells has such a high chance of survival.

Nightwing: you know, because I've read all about them."

Remus: There's a very big difference between reading and doing.

Nightwing; Ron dropped his wand.

Narcissa: Finally!

Nightwing: Hermione Granger, telling a downright lie to a teacher?

Lucius: It's as ridiculous as a Gryffindor doing something intelligent!

Nightwing: "If they hadn't found me, I'd be dead now.

Peter: No kidding. You'd be really dead now.

Nightwing: Harry stuck his wand up its nose

All: *shudder* Ew....

Nightwing: and Ron knocked it out with its own club.

Bellatrix: The one fleeting moment of glory he'll ever have in his pitiful life.

Nightwing: They didn't have time to come and fetch anyone.

Remus: If this was true, you still could have run when you realized you were in over your head.

Nightwing: It was about to finish me off when they arrived."

Severus: Thereby doing everyone else a favor.

Nightwing: Harry and Ron tried to look as though this story wasn't new to them.

Lucius: I would have told that it was a lie, just for the satisfaction of watching her squirm.

Sirius: And that, Malfoy, is why you're a Slytherin.

Nightwing: "Well--in that case..." said Professor McGonagall,

James: *hopefully* In that case, Harry's not in trouble?

Nightwing: staring at the three of them,

Lily: In that way guaranteed to make you feel tiny. I hate it when she does that.

Nightwing: "Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own?"

Bellatrix: She's a Gryffindor, they have no sense of self-preservation. Even the seemingly smart ones have no common sense at all.

Remus: I think you're all forgetting that she's lying to keep Harry and Ron out of trouble.

Bellatrix: Yes, but all the same....

Nightwing: Hermione hung her head. Harry was speechless.

Narcissa: That's probably a good thing.

Nightwing: Hermione was the last person to do anything against the rules,

Lily: There are extenuating circumstances. Sometimes rule breaking is for the greater good.

Nightwing: and here she was, pretending she had, to get them out of trouble.

James: This Hermione girl is definitely starting to grow on me.

Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Lily: *nod in agreement*

Nightwing: It was as if Snape had started handing out sweets.

Sirius: Except you don't have to carefully palm it and have it analyzed for poison and jinxes.

Nightwing: "Miss Granger, five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this," said Professor McGonagall.

Remus: Wow, that could have been a lot worse. Granted, it was a near-death experience, but still, five points for deliberately disobeying a teacher like that is pretty mild.

Nightwing: "I'm very disappointed in you.

Lucius: You'd think she'd be used to this sort of thing, being Head of the House of suicide.

Nightwing: If you're not hurt at all,

Lily: And you'd think she'd have a few scratches and bruises at the very least. Do they have any idea how lucky they are?

Nightwing: you'd better get off to Gryffindor tower. Students are finishing the feast in their houses."

Peter: Because it would be a shame to waste all that delicious food.

Nightwing: Hermione left.

Sirius: Bye! Thanks for getting my godson out of trouble!

Nightwing: Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron.

James: They had better get those Awards for Special Services to the School....

Nightwing: "Well, I still say you were lucky,

Narcissa: Aren't Gryffindors always lucky?

Nightwing: but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll.

Remus: Until now, I doubted any first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll!

Nightwing: You each win Gryffindor five points.

James: *indignantly* Ten points? That's it? Ten measly points, five when you factor in the ones Hermione lost? Tell me Nightwing skipped a word and there's actually a hundred in there!

Nightwing: Nope, sorry.

James: Where is the justice in this world?!

Sirius: It's hiding in one of the Hufflepuffs' sock drawers, I expect.

Nightwing: Professor Dumbledore will be informed of this.

James: He had damn well give them those Awards....

Nightwing: You may go."

Peter: Before the troll wakes up!

Nightwing: They hurried out of the chamber and didn't speak at all until they had climbed two floors up.

Lily: Good, they won't give it away to any of the teachers that Hermione lied.

Severus: Of course, I know that now, and can tell the others when the time comes.

James: You sneaky, underhanded--

Nightwing: Guys, I'll be modifying your memories after we finish all seven books anyway, it's no use trying to give something like that away in the future.

Bellatrix: Then why are we sitting here?!

Nightwing: For my own twisted amusment, pretty much. And that of my adoring fans! It was a relief to be away from the smell of the troll, quite apart from anything else.

Remus: I bet. *shudders*

Nightwing: "We should have gotten more than ten points," Ron grumbled.

James: Tell me about it!

Nightwing: "Five, you mean, once she's taken off Hermione's."

James: This is not bloody fair!

Lucius: Potter, quit whining, or I will show you that unfairness is being suffocated under a beanbag chair.

Nightwing: "Good of her to get us out of trouble like that," Ron admitted.

Lily: Well, really, one good turn deserves another. It's only right that she does something in return for them saving her life.

Nightwing: "Mind you, we did save her."

Lily: Exactly!

Nightwing: "She might not have needed saving if we hadn't locked the thing in with her," Harry reminded him.

Narcissa: Good job, idiots.

Nightwing: They had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

Peter: Has anyone ever thought that she might want a less insulting nickname?

Nightwing: "Pig snout," they said and entered. The common room was packed and noisy.

Sirius: It usually is when everyone's all up there together.

Severus: Ours isn't. We're much more dignified than your lot.

James: Not to mention you're busy looking emo in the hope that it'll attract girls. Newsflash, it doesn't work.

Severus: And you would know, Potter?

Nightwing: Actually, I'm with Severus on this one. That all depends on the girl. Everyone was eating the food that had been sent up.

Remus: As opposed to the food that had been left under the chairs for Merlin knows how long.

Nightwing: Hermione, however, stood alone by the door, waiting for them.

Lily: Aww, she's waiting to say thank you! That's so sweet!

Nightwing: There was a very embarrassed pause.

Sirius: First years are so cute when they have no idea what's going on.

Nightwing: Then, none of them looking at each other, they all said "Thanks,"

Remus: And they all know how to be properly polite. Good job, all three of them.

Nightwing: and hurried off to get plates.

Peter: I hope there's enough food left!

Nightwing: But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend.

Bellatrix: *groans* This means we have to put up with the Mudblood more often!

Nightwing: There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other,

Sirius: Like dangling a Slytherin upside down for trying to jinx you.

Peter: *beams gratefully*

Remus: Or not being able to get a potion right and getting help from your future best friends.

James: Don't mention it, Moony.

Nightwing: and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.

Lily: Yes, I expect that would fall under that category, too.

Nightwing: That's the end of the chapter, by the way. Sorry for the wait, readers! I've been busy with theatre and school, and besides, I've been having some issues with my parents that have left me feeling not very funny. After this chapter, I'm going to be working on a parody of Labyrinth that will be on my ff.net account (anotheraxelfangirl, for those of you who haven't found my Harry Potter ones there) and one of Half Blood Prince, so it'll be a while before the next one. I'm working on it, I'm sorry, but here's this one at long last.

Severus: Merlin knows we were sitting here long enough...

Nightwing: Oh, shut up. On the plus side, we have seventy five percent already, so now, we choose the next reader! We've gone through everyone, so just to be fair, we'll go back to the beginning. *hands the book to Bellatrix*

Bellatrix: *takes the book grudgingly, knowing by this point that it's useless to argue* Chapter Eleven, Quidditch....