Rating:
PG-13
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Hermione Granger
Genres:
Humor Slash
Era:
The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
Stats:
Published: 02/23/2004
Updated: 09/12/2004
Words: 19,991
Chapters: 12
Hits: 9,569

The Real Story of Harry Potter

Marauder

Story Summary:
Every once in a while a truly excellent fic comes along. One of particular brilliance. One that earns the author a legion of fans and inspires the whole fandom.``This is not one of those fics.``In September of 2002 I was tired of waiting for OotP and out of frustration and boredom wrote this truly bizarre piece of "literature". JKR is kidnapped and put on trial by the wizarding community of Great Britain for misrepresenting them in her books. What begins as a trial evolves into an increasingly random epic involving Rowena Ravenclaw, sherbet lemons, RL/SB, Moulin Rouge, and a cast of OOC characters, including JKR herself. Not to mention weredachshunds, Voldemort, RW/HG, and the ghost of Tom Riddle's mother. Think Mel Brooks meets HP.

The Real Story of Harry Potter 21-22

Chapter Summary:
Everyone wants to die for Ron, and all questions are answered...mostly.
Posted:
08/14/2004
Hits:
457
Author's Note:
David Murray, I apologize. I also apologize for bring JKR's mum into this. However, this fic is described in the summary as "Mel Brooks meets HP", and in the mind of Mel Brooks nothing is sacred.

Chapter Twenty-One: Voldemort's Demise

Rita Skeeter had been mysteriously quiet throughout all this. Now I noticed her standing in the corner. She yelled something at me, but I couldn't make it out over the din.

The room fell silent. Macnair had one arm tightly around Ron, and his wand was pointed at Ron's throat.

"Cure my master," said Macnair, "or I'll kill him."

"Don't do it!" screamed Ron. "I'd rather die than see Voldemort live! Don't worry about me!"

Hermione began to sob. "Ron...I can't bear to lose you..."

"Hermione, I said, don't worry about me!"

"You can't die...you can't...I love you..."

Ron's face grew serious. "I love you too, Hermione. But if there's a choice between me living and Voldemort's death, I'll take Voldemort's death."

Percy's mouth was wide open. "Macnair, you promised me no one would get hurt!"

"I'm afraid Death Eaters are not particularly known for keeping promises, Weasley."

Percy shut his mouth. He stared at the floor a minute, then raised his head. "Take me instead."

"No!" Hermione screamed. "Percy, you can't, not when you're just beginning to come back to our side." She addressed Macnair. "Take me."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" roared Mrs. Weasley. "I'll die in Ron's place."

"NO ONE IS DYING IN MY PLACE!" Ron bellowed. "Look, I'm touched that you're all offering. But I don't think I could stand living, knowing that one of you died for me. Fred and George....keep going with those lemon drops."

"You're sure?" asked George in a whisper.

"I'm sure," said Ron.

"We're going to miss you, Ron," said Fred.

"I'll miss you too. Keep throwing the drops."

However, before Fred and George could obey, Voldemort rose from the floor. Ginny screamed. His face was no longer red; in fact, he looked at the height of health. "Accio wand!" he shouted. His wand, forgotten in the struggle, came flying into his hand. With one curse, all of us were on the floor and unable to move.

He towered over me. "You fool," he said softly. "You thought a Muggle could stand a chance against the most powerful wizard in the world."

"Actually, that would be Dumbledore," said Mr. Weasley. Voldemort turned in his direction, livid.

"I AM TEN TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN DUMBLEDORE!" he screamed. "HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK I CAPTURED HIM? AT THIS MOMENT, HE LIES IMMOBILE IN HIS OFFICE!"

"No he doesn't," said a voice from the door.

~~*~~

Harry, Dumbledore, and Peter Pettigrew stood in the doorway. Dumbledore's wand was outstretched towards Voldemort; Harry's wand was pointed at Pettigrew, who was bound and gagged. "Let her go," said Dumbledore. "Or else I'll blast Wormtail into a thousand pieces."

"With my blessing," added Sirius, who was now a man again.

"Why should I care if a weak and talentless thing like him dies?" sneered Voldemort. "He has served his purpose. Kill him if you wish."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FOLLOWED YOU!" screamed Percy.

Rita Skeeter had managed to turn so that her head was facing me. She mouthed something. I squinted.

"I challenge you to a duel," said Dumbledore.

"I accept," said Voldemort. "Are we adhering to the Wizarding Codes of Honorable Dueling?"

"Of course," said Dumbledore.

"I'm his second," said Harry.

"I'll be Voldemort's," said Macnair.

Dumbledore and Voldemort paced in a circle, wands outstretched. "Waddiwasi!" roared Dumbledore. A lemon drop shot straight up Voldemort's nose.

Too scared to look at what was happening, I tried to look anywhere but at them. I glanced at my nails. What was that color of polish called? Pensieve.

A startling thought flashed into my head. I looked over at Rita again. Suddenly, I understood what she was mouthing.: "Use the Pensieve."

"The answer to conquering the Dark Lord lies in thoughts...."

"Accio Pensieve!" I screamed. But the voice was not my own. It was the primal, unrefined voice of my unborn child...

The Pensieve flew into my hands. Inexplicably, I was able to move again. I sprung up, grabbed hold of Voldemort's hair, and dipped his head into the Pensieve. He fell back onto the floor, motionless.

The book jumped over to me. "Jo! You figured it out! All his thoughts are in the Pensieve now. He's brain-dead. Nice job!" it read.

"But I'm still here," said Macnair.

"Not for long," said Ron. Pointed his wand at Macnair, he shouted, "Mobilicorpus Azkaban!"

Macnair dissappered. "That's amazing!" cried Hermione. "Where did you learn that one?"

"I read sometimes too, you know," said Ron. Hermione threw her arms around him.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Rowena Explains It All

"Now there's the question of what we're going to do with Pettigrew," said Dumbledore.

"Let me at him," growled Sirius. Mr. Weasley, who was now able to move, as we all were, held him back.

"Send him to Azkaban," said Harry.

"But he'll be able to escape as I did," said Sirius.

"No he won't," said Hermione. "He'll lose his powers. You kept yours because you're innocent, and he isn't."

"Don't send me to Azkaban," whined Peter Pettigrew. "I was under Voldemort's spell...I had no control over my own actions..."

"Oh shut up, no one's listening to you anyway," Fred yawned.

"Can I please curse him?" pleaded Sirius.

"No," said Dumbledore.

"Just one little curse...Body-Bind or something....please..."

"No."

"Can I, then?" asked Harry eagerly.

"Look," said Dumbledore. "He's going to the Dementors. Isn't that bad enough?"

"Not for him, the traitorous filth," said Sirius. Remus barked in agreement.

"Well," sighed Dumbledore, "I suppose..."

~~*~~

Half an hour later, a green-skinned, body-bound, massive-tongued, bald, wart-covered, pus-oozing, foul-smelling Wormtail was transferred to Azkaban. We all cheered. The sun was rising, and Remus was a man again.

I looked at Malfoy in the corner, now human also.

"Sirius...you didn't kill him, did you?" I asked.

Sirius walked over to Malfoy and checked his pulse. "No. He's just knocked out."

"Well, that's good, I guess," said Ginny.

The book hopped up and actually spoke. "Well," it said, in a lilting Irish voice, "I guess I've got a bit of explaining to do."

We all settled back, eager to hear what it had to say.

"First of all," it said, "excellent work, all of you. I suppose you'd like to know where you are. This dungeon is Salazar Slytherin's old office. It's directly below Snape's classroom.

"Second," it said, "About the R is above S thing...it means that Ravenclaw will always triumph over Slytherin. Third, Sirius and Remus, both of you have powers of which you are not aware. When the two of you are together, your combined powers are so great that no mortal harm can come to those in your care."

"Wish we'd known that when James and Lily were still alive," Remus muttered bitterly. Sirius put his arms around him.

"Third, the fraternity of the night."

"Is someone going to die?!" I exclaimed.

"No. Just listen. Hermione, you're clever of mind. You'll leave this world for the next; you're going back to the Muggle world until school starts again."

"You could have just said that outright," she muttered. "I thought I was done for."

"Harry, you're noble of heart. You've suffered for ten years with the Dursleys; sorry, dear, two more years of suffering left,"

"Great," said Harry, rolling his eyes.

"None of that, young man. I don't create the future, I merely predict it. Jo, you're kind of nature." The voice softened. "I know you grieve for your mother."

Blinking back tears, I nodded. The book continued. "Percy, you're the traitor who sought to end their happiness, and you're going to be punished for your deeds. No, not Azkaban," it said, noting the look on his face. "I've already taken the liberty of arranging your punishment."

Percy gulped, his face pale.

"Now that you're no longer in pay of Lord Voldemort, you're going to need a new job."

Percy nodded.

"I've sent in an application for you, and you're accepted."

His eyes began to dart around nervously.

"They expect you to start on Monday. Now, I know you're going to be upset..."

"Oh no, what?"

"...but it's for your own good..."

"Rowena, what's my new job?"

"...and you do deserve punishment..."

"WHAT IS IT!"

"You're going to be a photographer for Playwitch."


Author notes: So, what was Draco's secret? Next and last installment reveals!