The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter Nineteen: Rowena's Story

Voldemort raised his wand, and the next thing I knew we were in a dark dungeon.

"Okay, Voldie," I said. "You'd better start explaining."

"Or else you'll do...what." It was Lucius Malfoy.

"No, Malfoy, Weasley has promised an explanation, and one will be given," said Voldemort. He looked at me. "Consider this your last request."

He began his story.

"When Rowena Ravenclaw was in a trance, at first there were no students there with her. The hut that belongs to Hagrid was originally built for her use.

"One day, as she spoke of her prophecies, a young Muggle man, lost in the Forbidden Forest, heard her. Her voice intrigued him; he followed the sound. When he knocked on the door of the hut, she came out of the trance and opened the door. 'Hello,' she said. 'I've just foretold that we are going to become lovers in the next fifteen seconds.'"
There was a crash coming from the window. It was the book of prophecies. It flew at me and opened.

I read out loud, "It would have been sooner, but I needed at least fifteen seconds to take off my girdle. Hello, Voldemort, you old idiot. Don't try to read this, or you'll be cursed. Only people called Rowling, Granger, Potter, Weasley, Lupin, Black, and Riddle are allowed to read it. And as I recall, you haven't been a Riddle since you were eighteen."

"May I continue?" asked Voldemort, irked.

"Yes."

"And I will find a way to read that book."

"My lord, I advise against it," said Malfoy. "It is too dangerous."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," said Voldemort.

Hermione snorted.

"What is it, you foolish Mudblood girl?" asked Voldmort, glaring.

"Nothing....Darth."

"WHAT IS IT!?"

"You just quoted Darth Vader.

"WHO?"

"Darth Vader."

No reaction.

"Darth Vader...he's in Star Wars. It's a Muggle movie. The Muggles compare you to him a lot. It's quite interesting, actually. Both of you lost your mothers young, both of you fight against a scarred bloke who has a friend with a name ending in an ahn sound and another friend who's a girl with distinctive hair - "

"SILENCE!"

"Well, you asked."

That was too much for Fred and George. They burst out laughing.

"Will everyone PLEASE shut up!"

"Oh, he said please. Lovely manners, Voldie," said Ron.

Voldemort glared. "Ooh, he's GLARING," said Ginny. "He's got nothing on our Sirius, though. If looks could kill - "

"I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE!"

"All right, quiet down," I said. "I did ask for an explanation."

"All RIGHT! Here's the long and short of it. They shag. She conceives. They get married. Slytherin freaks out because the man's a Muggle. The kid is born. It's a girl. She grows up. She's a Muggle. Her mum foretells that the girls one-hundreth descendant will be the greatest wizard or witch in the world, if taught by the Heir of Slytherin. Therefore, I want the kid to train. Any questions?"

"I've got one," said Harry. "When you were in the back of Quirrell's head, did his hair make your face itch?"

Voldemort tried and tried, but he knew no magic powerful enough to get us to stop laughing.

Chapter Twenty: Lemon Drops

What finally made us stop laughing was that a strangled sound came from one corner of the room. I looked over. Remus's eyes were wide and he was starting to shake. Moonlight spilled through the broken window.

Within seconds, a dachsund stood in Remus's place. Being so small, he escaped from the chains.

"Get him!" Voldemort screamed. Lucius Malfoy lunged at Remus, but Remus bit him on the foot.

Now there were two dachsunds, both jumping around and yipping fiercely.

"Bite Voldemort!" yelled Harry.

Voldemort, hearing him, whipped out his wand. "Expelliarmus!" Sirius yelled. Voldemort's wand sped through the air and landed in Sirius's hand. Using the wand, Sirius cast a spell that released all of our chains. We were free.

~~*~~

Everything happened so fast that I had to be filled in later. Therefore, I will tell you exactly what happened, and not just my own perceptions.

Fred and George grabbed the lemon drops from their pockets and began throwing them at Voldemort. Angry red blotches broke out all over his face. "He's allergic!" George yelled. Fred sprang forward and, very boldly, stuffed a lemon drop down Voldemort's throat.

"His head looks like a giant Quaffle," said Ginny.

Meanwhile, Remus and Malfoy were wrestling on the floor and emitting high-pitched yaps. "What are they saying?" I asked Sirius.

Malfoy screeched. "You fool, I'll have you know that I'm blackmailing the entire Ministry of Magic," Sirius said.

Remus replied. "That's not going to matter very much if I kill you," translated Sirius.

Malfoy again. "My son Draco will avenge my death."

Remus: "Your son Draco is the stupidest git I ever saw."

"Sirius!" Hermione screamed. "Stop translating, transform, and get Malfoy!"

Sirius did as he was told. Plunging his teeth into Malfoy's neck, he threw him off Remus and into the corner. Malfoy was still.

Meanwhile, Macnair was trying to help Voldemort. He cast a series of spells, but the dark lord still writhed in agony.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, oblivious, were screaming at Percy. "You idiot!" his mother screamed. "Why can't you be more like Fred, George, and Ron?"

"Thanks, Mum!" called Ron, who was helping his brothers with the lemon drops.

"Why should I be more like Ron?" Percy whined. "He doesn't even study!"

"You think studying is more important than saving your sister's life?" roared Mr. Weasley. "I'm ashamed to even call you my son! At least Fred and George never got in as much trouble as this!"

"At least I have AMBITION!"

"Next to joining the dark lord, aspiring to open a joke shop sounds quite noble!"

"Does that mean you'll help fund it?" called George, hitting Voldemort right in the nose with a lemon drop.

"It most certainly does not!"

"We'll discuss this later!" yelled Mrs. Weasley.

Harry, mysteriously, had disappeared.