The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter Twenty-Three: Things Draw to a Close

Two hours later, at the celebration feast Dumbledore had hastily arranged in the Great Hall, we were still laughing at Percy's fate. "Honestly, Perce, I'm jealous," said Hermione as she passed Ron the peppermint humbugs.

"So am I," said Remus. Sirius nudged him hard. Remus threw a piece of bread at him. In response, Sirius pelted him with cooked carrot slices. I rolled my eyes.

Dumbledore had managed to get quite a lot of guests together. Neville sat across from Hermione, and McGonagall, Moody, all the other professors, and an assortment of students and alums sat at another table.

Percy, however, was not in a festive mood. "I can't believe myself," he said heavily. "I was such an idiot. I can't believe I actually joined Voldemort."

"Oh, cheer up, old boy," said Fred. "It's not so bad in the end. No one's hurt or dead. True, you made a total prat of yourself, but that's nothing new."

"Yeah, Percy, snap out of it," said George. "We're just glad you've seen sense. Here, have a toffee."

"Don't - " I started. But it was too late - Percy's tongue swelled so it resembled a killer slug.

"You know, that is rather clever," said Mr. Weasley. "I think I might be able to lend - that's lend, mind you - a bit of money to start a business with."

"Thanks, Dad," said Fred, grinning.

"Yeah, thanks," said George. "Awfully nice of you. Suppose we'd better return the favor...don't eat that soup."

I was seated between Harry and the book. I turned to the latter. "Rowena, even if Voldemort doesn't train my baby, will it still be a great witch or wizard?"

"Oh, of course," said the book. "Maybe even greater than Harry here. Expect an owl from Hogwarts in another eleven years."

"Jessica's going to be awfully jealous," I said. "Speaking of Jessica, I'd better figure out how I'm getting - "

At that moment, my agent Lisa burst through the door and threw her arms around me. "Jo! I'm so sorry that I EVER thought you were mad, I was just going to call the police again when this owl flew through my window, and it was from Dumbledore inviting me to this feast...oh, hello there. You must be Sirius. I'll bet you're quite handsome when you haven't got broth splattered on your head."

Sirius grinned sheepishly. I handed him a napkin. "How's Malfoy doing?" he asked.

Before I could answer his question, a groan came from the corner. Lucius Malfoy stood up, his eyes slits of anger. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"You're going to Azkaban, that's what," said Ginny. "Mobilicorpus Azkaban!"

He disappeared. I looked at Ginny, impressed. "Nice job!"

"Serves him right for giving me Riddle's diary," said Ginny, shrugging.

"I'll say," said the ghost of Agnes Riddle, who was waltzing with Nearly Headless Nick on top of an empty table. She didn't seem disturbed about the fate of her son in the least, and no one blamed her.

We were interrupted by the sound of the door slamming. Fudge stormed in, looking livid. "Dumbledore! What has been going on here! Why was I not informed? Who gave you the right to preside over the trial in the first place? I'm the Minister of Magic!"

"And you're sacked," said Dumbledore.

"WHAT!?"

"You're sacked."

"By WHO?"

"Me."

"YOU CAN'T SACK ME!"

"Well, not technically. But I could tell about your little...how should I phrase this delicately...interludes with Narcissa Malfoy. Oh, sorry, I just did."

"Oh, so THAT'S why Malfoy's mum always looks like she's got dung under her nose," said Ron.

Fudge turned to look at him, but spotted Sirius first instead. "Black!"

"You called?" asked Sirius lazily.

"I hereby place you under arrest!" Sirius yawned.

"I'm afraid you're a bit behind the times," said Remus. "Peter Pettigrew killed James and Lily, and now he's in Azkaban."

Fudge snarled angrily. Then he snapped his fingers, and suddenly Dementors began to glide through the room.

"Oh, hello, nice to see you again," said Sirius to the Dementors. "Hey, I remember you...have you cut your hair? It looks lovely..."

He smiled at me. "Watch this one, Jo."

"Revealio Vetementsdisc!" he shouted.

The Dementors' robes flew up.

"My God!" exclaimed Mr. Weasley.

"I don't believe it," said Harry.

The Dementors, underneath their robes, were wearing disco outfits. Peeves began to sing sarcastically toned renditions of the Bee Gees.

"Obliviate Gitius plus Dementors!" called Dumbledore from the teacher's table. Fudge and the Dementors disappered.

Lisa was gazing at Sirius adoringly. Remus caught her eye. "Sorry, he's mine," he said.

Lisa swore under her breath.

~~*~~

After the feast, we had an after-party in the Gryffindor common room. As I was talking to Remus, Mrs. Weasley approached me with my computer. "I went home and got this for you, dear."

"Oh, thanks. Too bad I can't use it in Hogwarts because there's too much magic around."

"Oh, that's a myth Minerva and I started so students wouldn't bring cell phones to class," said Dumbledore. "It'll work fine."

"Hey, Sirius, what was that thing you talked about in court?" asked Harry. "Fanfiction.net? Let's go to that!"

Everyone crowded around the computer. I started up the internet connection and went to the site.

"Hey, look at all the stories here!" said Neville.

"That's inta tha thousans'!" exclaimed Hagrid.

"I want to read some about me," demanded Remus. I put in his name for Character One and clicked on Go.

I scrolled down a bit. He read, "Remus falls in love with Minerva McGonagall..." He shuddered.
"No way, who wrote this? She's way too old for me and I'm gay. Find one about me and Sirius." I entered Sirius's name for Character Two and picked Romance for the genre.

Both of them read over my shoulder, absorbed. "Hey," said Harry, "this one's got you two shagging in the Shrieking Shack! Like that ever happened."

"Um...."

"Well..."

"Let me put it two you this way," said Sirius. "It was called the Shrieking Shack for a reason and it had nothing to do with Remus transforming."

"Moving along," I said, mostly because Percy was looking a tad green.

"Let's read some about Snape!" said Ginny.

I found his fics and we began to read.

The fic began, "Snape stepped into the shower, hoping that his new shampoo would produce an 'organic' experience." We snorted with laughter.

"I find that highly unamusing," said Snape coldly.

"Was it a Blast-Ended Skrewt?" I asked.

"What?"

"Whatever it was that crawled up your arse and died."

Draco Malfoy, Closet Case

After another few hours of fanfiction.net (which included Hermione screaming, "Oh my God! This fic has Snape and me shagging on one of the Potions tables!", Harry asking "Who in the hell is Mary Sue?", Remus screeching, "Opium addict? I'm not an opium addict!" Snape yelling at the computer that his hair was quite sanitary, thank you very much, Ginny yelling, "I would not touch Draco Malfoy with a ten-foot broomstick! These people are sick!" Percy ranting, "Just because a person works hard to achieve does not make them a snob! And I NEVER slept with Oliver Wood.", Sirius saying in response, "Well, did you WANT to?" Percy saying that he did NOT, Sirius saying with a smirk on his face that he believed him, really, and Dumbledore trying to get everyone to shut up), we finally decided it was time to go to bed. Just as we were about to say good night and go upstairs (which Sirius and Remus looked very eager to do), I let out a yell.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Dobby! Someone go and get me Dobby!"

A few minutes later Dobby was brought to see us, wearing a pair of pinstriped trousers and a tuxedo shirt.

"All right, Dobby babe," I said. "I've simply got to know what you're blackmailing Malfoy with."

Dobby's eyes glinted with mischief. "Dobby has sworn not to tell, miss. But perhaps Wheezy could steal a certain book from Dobby's pocket and Dobby, being so little and powerless, could not stop him..."

"Accio Book!" yelled Ron. A leather-bound journal flew into his hands.

"Read it out loud," demanded George.

Ron sat in the most overstuffed armchair and opened the journal. We gathered around him.

"'The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy'...oh, this ought to be quite interesting. 'I, Draco Malfoy, being of sound mind and body' oh, that's questionable 'hereby start this journal. Things I write in here are my most secret wants and desires, which I swear never to tell another living soul.

"' The moment I saw him at Madam Malkins', my heart skipped a beat. The emerald eyes, the ebony hair...he inflamed my LUST'!" Ron yelped. "Oh my God! Malfoy's GAY!"

"I did notice him staring at me in the men's lav during the trial," said Remus. "Don't even know what he was thinking while I was his teacher."

"Nor do I," said Sirius.

Ron continued, his mouth so wide it looked like it would break his face. "'Harry Potter. The boy who lived. An enemy of my father's, and yet I could not stop fantasizing about him. How I longed to sneak into the Gryffindor tower one night and get into his bed. In my fantasies...'" Ron was silent, a shocked look on his face.

"WHAT!" we all screamed, anxious to hear more (except for Harry).

"I can't read THIS!"

"Give it to me," demanded Sirius. He took Ron's place in the chair and read out loud from the book. We gaped.

"Oh my GOD!" said Ginny.

"Is that even physically possible?" asked George.

"Oh yeah," said Sirius and Remus in unison.

"A THONG?" exclaimed Neville.

"Dobby, how did you get this?" I asked.

"Dobby had to return to Malfoy Manor last year to retrieve some things he had forgotten, miss. When he returned home, he found this book among his things."

"Keep reading!" demanded Fred. "This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard."

Sirius continued, "' And then there was the fantasy in which we ravished each other in the Chamber of Secrets.'" He stopped. "Okay, now I can't even read this."

"Pass it over," said Remus. They changed spots. Blushing like mad, Remus read the next paragraph.

"Oh SICK!" screamed Ron.

"That's the kinkiest thing I ever heard of," said Percy.

"What I'd like to know is how Malfoy learned a lubricating spell," said Hermione.

"It sounds positively painful," said Dumbledore.

There was frantic knocking from outside. "Let me in!" demanded a voice that would have been drawling if it hadn't been so frantic.

"Should we?" I asked.

"Sure," said Harry. "The password's Voldemort, Malfoy," he called. "Or should I say, 'Draco baby.'"

An extremely red-faced Malfoy burst in. "I'll have you know I didn't write ANY OF THAT!" he screamed.

"Oh, we're sure you didn't," said Fred, smirking.

"You people are sick!" Malfoy screeched. "I NEVER said I wanted to shag with Harry on the Quidditch field."

Remus grinned. "Then how did you know that part was in here?" he asked. "I haven't gotten that far yet."

Malfoy let out a mighty scream and stormed out.

~~*~~

There's more, of course. The story will never really be over.

Dumbledore became the new Minister of Magic and the first thing he did was to clear Sirius's name. Sirius is ecstatic, of course...and he and Remus are looking into adopting a child, besides Harry, who now lives with them.

Hermione and Ron are quite happy. I got an owl from them last week, and it sounds like it's true love.

Mr. Weasley loaned Fred and George one hundred Galleons to start their joke shop. They're opening as soon as they graduate and their mother is grateful that they finally have something productive to do with their talents.

Lucius Malfoy has the smallest cell in Azkaban, and he cleans the toilets every four days. Peter Pettigrew has gone mad...well, more mad than he already was. I don't consider cutting off parts of your body exactly the sanest thing to do. Macnair is mad too.

Percy wasn't thrilled about his new job, but he's getting along fine at it. Oliver Wood is going to be on the cover of next month's issue....Percy swears he had nothing to do with it.

Malfoy was expelled from Hogwarts on the grounds of "being an evil little git." I heard he's been stalking Daniel Radcliffe lately. And speaking of Daniel Radcliffe, Harry, Ron and Hermione are going to spy on the making of the third film.

Fudge and Narcissa Malfoy eloped, once her divorce was final. Though I hear she's having an affair with Snape...Rita Skeeter reported it in The All-Seeing Eye, the tabloid she began with Trelawney.

Hagrid is being privately tutored by McGonagall and is going to be allowed to use magic again. Moody took the Pensieve, and is keeping it in the safe place.

And as for me, well, I'm sorry the fifth book has taken so long. But I'm working hard, and the book of prophecies is helping me...I took it home. You can find disclaimers in all the newer editions of the Harry Potter books. That is, if you use a microscope.

THE END