Random Conversations

Chapter 12: Hippies

Hello to all of you people out there! This isn't Liz, this is Sirius Lee Black! Rejoice, rejoice that Liz the evil, obsessed Harry Potter person is dead!

Liz: "I'm not dead, Sirius. And why are you running Random Conversations?"

Me!: "Because I feel like it, that's why. Blah! Anyway, let me finish."

Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by Liz, I was telling you about myself. My name is Sirius Lee Black (get it, it's a pun! Siriusly Black). I am a hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, very hot guy! So, all you women out there should be glad to be reading this and if you could see me, you would melt at my feet from my hotness!

Liz: "Oh, please."

Me!: "Quiet, Liz."

So . . . I have my own fan club, too. It's called the Sirius Black Fan Club and it's really awesome. So far, it only has one member (that being me), but I will get more!!!

Lupin: "Doesn't that mean you're gay if you like yourself?"

Me!: "Why is everyone against me in this? I am trying to run Random Conversations and all of you people are interrupting me while I'm trying to do the introduction!"

Liz: "Remind you of anyone?"

Me!: "Er . . . no."

Liz: *face-palm*

Okay, once you guys leave me alone, we can get onto the story, but as you guys are being so annoying. . . .

Liz: "Once again, remind you of anyone?"

Me!: "No!"

Now, as I was saying, I have an official fan club with ME as the only member, but I will get more members, especially with all of you women out there reading this who will love me!!! I love me!

Lupin: "It's good that you have self-esteem, Sirius, but now you're acting really gay."

Liz: "Well, that's a rumor, isn't it? That Sirius is gay and that Remus is gay, too, and that they're both madly in love with each other. I mean, a ton of people wrote fan fics about it."

Tonks: "What? You're gay, Remus? I thought you loved me, but now you love Sirius?"

Lupin: "No, of course not. . . ."

Tonks: "You liar! I have never been more insulted in my life!" *slaps Lupin and runs out wailing*

Lupin: "No, my one true love! NO!!!"

Liz: "I thought Tonks had to force you into the marriage in the first place."

Lupin: "Kind of, sort of, OK, yeah, but then I realized that I was in love with Tonks after we spent time with each other and I started getting over my passivity and self-doubt while I was with her! Tonks changed my life!"

Me!: "I'm still open, Lupin, and I can change your life. In fact, I already have changed your life, Moony."

Lupin: "Um . . . no thanks and you changed my life in a bad way, Sirius. You made me passive and self-doubting. You created a monster in me, Padfoot."

Me!: "What, I have never been more insulted in my life! I thought that I was your best friend and your lover, but now I see that I am mistaken!"

Lupin: "Basically."

Me!: *wails and runs out*

Liz: "NO!"

Me!: "You mean, you actually missed me?"

Liz: "No. . . ."

Me!: *wails*

Liz: "I mean, yes, but I don't want to continue being 'Liz.' I want to be 'Me' again, as it is I who runs Random Conversations and who came up with the idea for it."

Me!: "You mean 'Me!'?"

Liz: "Whatever! I must run Random Conversations! I must!!!"

Hermione: "I think that the stress of this is really getting to you, Liz."

Liz: "Who made you a psychologist?"

Hermione: "No one, but it's kind of obvious. I mean, you've been writing a bunch of other fan fics and you have all that on your plate."

Liz: "Is it my fault that all this inspiration is coming at once and my mind has to soak it all in?"

Hermione: *sigh* "No, but you've written all these fan fics and, at the same time, maintaining Random Conversations, and An Ironic Title. Plus, when you did upload some fan fics, reviewers were asking you for sequels to A Second Howl and Unknown Fame, along with a bunch of others, so it's pretty hard for you, I expect. I would help if I could. . . ."

Keenan: "But she can't, so she won't."

Hermione: "Stop being so insensitive, Keenan. Liz needs our help and I really would help."

Keenan: *drools* "Yeah." *drools again*

Liz: "That's just sad."

Hermione: "Well, the man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants."

Liz: "Well said!"

Victoria: "Indeed!"

Harry: "What? That's not true! I am the man of the house and the stereotypes on television say that the men are the head of the house and the women are supposed to be subservient to them and make them dinner! Now, make me dinner!"

Victoria: "Shut up, and make yourself dinner. I'm trying to have a random conversation."

Ginny: "Hence the name, Random Conversations, Harry, so go and make yourself some dinner. Now!"

Harry: "What? Even you, Ginny? I thought that you liked me!"

Ginny: "Well, I don't anymore, since I know that I'm too young and spunky for you and will never get a chance with you, so now Colin and I have gotten married."

Liz: "There's some new information."

Colin: "Hey, Liz! Do you mind if I take some pictures of the inside of your brain? Do you? Do you? Do you?"

Liz: "And his voice is just as squeaky as usual."

Ginny: "Yeah, he hasn't really hit puberty yet."

Liz: "Poor guy, so like Sirius."

Me!: "Hey!"

Lupin: "You're wrong, Liz. Sirius has gone well beyond puberty."

Me!: "Thank you, Moony!"

Lupin: "And he's gone past it, so now he's in the declining years of old age."

Keenan: "Ha, ha!"

Me!: "Keenan, I thought you were my friend, we even formed the Annoy Liz club together! I am having a huge emotional upheaval!"

Keenan: "Oh, I thought you were Liz, but you just put a little exclamation point thingy at the end of 'Me.'"

Liz: "No, that's Sirius, Keenan, and I'm Liz. But if it confuses you, Sirius and I can easily change back."

Me!: "What, no we can't."

Liz: "Yes, we can."

Me!: "No, we can't."

Liz: "Yes, we can!"

Me!: "No, we can't!"

Liz: "OK, let's handle this like the mature people that we are."

Lupin: "Liz, the word to describe you isn't exactly mature."

Liz: "Well, let's just say that I had some strange trigger today that changed my life forever and I have decided to be more mature."

Lupin: "I wonder how long that's going to last."

Liz: "Stop with the sarcastic remarks, please."

Me!: "Moony, I knew you cared!"

Lupin: "I don't, I'm being neutral right now."

Me!: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and makes to run out*

Liz: "Sirius, stop! I care!" Or let's just say that. "Now, why do you think you should have the right to run Random Conversations?" See, Lupin, I'm being mature! Blah!

Lupin: "OK, that right there just ruined it."

Liz: *mumbles* "Insensitive jerk."

Me!: "Because you've run it for eleven long chapters and the twelfth chapter in the Harry Potter books is always supposed to be a highly significant one."

Liz: "So, you running it and confusing the readers between who I am and you are and making them get mad and confused in their reviews makes this chapter significant?"

Me!: "I'm glad to see you understood, Liz!"

Liz: *rolls eyes* "Oh, honestly. Sirius, this is your last warning. I mean it. Now, change back and be a good boy."

Padfoot: *barks*

Liz: "Ha, now I have control of the Animagus you! Mwahaha! Now, I will make it do my every command and make you turn back! Mwahaha!" *laughs evilly then starts coughing* "Water, water. . . ."

Padfoot: *barks again*

Harry: "Here you go, Liz."
Liz: "Thank you, Harry. Wait, how am I drinking this if this is just a dream or a pretend conversation in my head?"

Oldman: "Make up a new law for it, Liz."

Me!: "Yeah, you can be the law-maker of Random Conversations, now!"

Dad: "And I can be the minute-taker! Yay!"

Liz: "How about no? And how about I run Random Conversations now as it is me who came up with it in the first place?"

Me!: "No, so blah!"

Padfoot: *barks yet again*

Liz: "Shut up, Padfoot!"

Padfoot: *barks still more*

Me!: "Hey, you can't talk to one of my selves like that!" *changes into a dog and barks*

Liz: "Ahhhhhhhhh! This doesn't make any sense!"

Hermione: "Who said that this fic made sense?"

Victoria: "True."

Lupin: "Enough of this foolishness! Let's just get back to the point!"

Me!: "What's the point of this chapter, again?"

Liz: *sigh* "Read the summary. It says that you're doing the debut of that show, Totally Magorian or whatever it's called."

Me!: "Oh, cool! Come on, Oldman, let's start!"

Oldman: "Alright!"

Lupin: "But, Sirius, you can't do the show if what you say shows 'Me!' behind it, then the readers will be confused and will think that Liz is running it!" *dramatic scream*

Keenan: "They will?"

Lupin: *murmurs* "Yes, they will."

Keenan: "They will?!"

Lupin: *sigh* "Here, have a doughnut."

Keenan: "DOUGHNUT!"

Liz: *sigh of relief*

Lupin: "Now, will you let Liz run Random Conversations?"

Me!: "No, because I heard the conversation that Liz added on her computer that I wasn't supposed to hear. So, blah, I won't switch!"

Keenan: "Ha, ha! PUDDING!"

Lupin: *raises eyebrow* "Pudding?"

Me!: *laughs hysterically*

Keenan: "Pudding, pudding, pudding. . . ."

Me!: "Ah, make it stop, make it stop!"

Harry: "I don't know how!"

Liz: "What are you talking about, Harry?"

Harry: "Didn't Sirius mean my cooking skills?"

Liz: "Er . . . no."

Victoria: *sigh* "What did you do, Harry?"

Harry: "Nothing, it's just that I think that this microwave is going to blow up and cover us all in, er . . . stuff."

Ginny: "Stuff?"

Harry: "Well, um . . . yeah, mixed-up stuff, yeah. . . ."

Hermione: "Like what?"

Harry: "Um . . . almonds, eggshells, a bunch of different cake mixes, a bunch of different sodas, doughnuts. . . ."

Keenan: "DOUGHNUTS!"

Harry: ". . .and almonds."

Guy and Muggle Girl: "ALMONDS, YAY!"

Ron: "It's going to blow up! Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Colin: "Let's sing the Doom Song!" *starts singing in a high-pitched voice* "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Dennis: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Mr. Creevey: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Mrs. Creevey: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Gir: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Hermione: "Who's Gir? You've come up with some pretty weird characters before, Liz, but this. . . ."

Liz: "He isn't mine. He's from this cartoon that my friend told me about."

Ginny: "Well, how'd he get in here?"

Lupin: "How did anyone besides Harry Potter characters get in here?"

Victoria: "Because of Liz's obsessive need to have more characters and perhaps make a plot point in this mess of randomness."

Liz: "Exactly!"

Gir: "Had to make room for the cupcake!"

Colin: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me!: "What?"

Keenan: "PUDDING!"

Me!: *laughs hysterically*

Gir: "It was me! I was the turkey all along! Me. The turkey."

Dennis: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me!: "Make it stop, make it stop!"

Ron: "Ah, we're all going to die!"

Liz: "And I'm going to have a massive headache!"

There is a very uncomfortable pause.

Liz: "Well, I'd better take some Tylenol." *takes some Tylenol*

Me!: "You care more about your headache than the future of this fic, Liz?"

Keenan: "PUDDING!"

Me!: "Be silent, Keenan! I have the power to protect myself against pudding!"

Keenan: *gazes in awe at Sirius* "What?"

Me!: "Vanilla yogurt!" *heavenly music plays*

Ron: "I LOVE VANILLA YOGURT!" *tries to eat the vanilla yogurt*

Keenan: "Here, have a doughnut."

Ron: "Yay, a doughnut!"

Charizard: *blows fire at Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh, a Hungarian Horntail!"

Liz: I'll just pretend that that didn't happen. "I can write other stories."

Me!: "But what about all the complimentary reviews?"

Liz: "I get complimentary reviews from other stories."

Me!: "But . . . but what about all those memories that you can never replace once I'm gone? This was the first fan fic you ever wrote, Liz, and you can't replace things like that!"

Right now, allow that really mushy, flashback-ish type of music to play in your head as I have all these reminiscent, happy memories (in slow-motion), which I'm too lazy to put in right now.

Liz: *wipes tear from eye* "You're right, Sirius, but I can't think of any other way that I can get rid of this microwave unless I run Random Conversations."

Me!: "Why?"

Lupin: "Because of some insane new law that Liz just made up."

Liz: "NO!" Damn, I hate it when they can read my mind. "Because otherwise I can just make you die an extremely painful death, such as by this blowing-up microwave."

Hermione: "But how will you get rid of it when you run Random Conversations?"

Lupin: "Ah, and here's the insane new law."

Liz: "Exactly, Remus. I'm so glad you understand."

Lupin: "Er . . . why did you just call me Remus?"

Me!: "I call you Moony, Remus."

Lupin: "Ew, shut up, Sirius! I have never, nor will I ever think of you that way!"

James: "And why do you like all the girls if you're gay, Sirius?"

Me!: "Because Moony was the first one I ever felt comfortable around. I didn't need to mask my insecurity of being gay in front of him! Right?!"

Liz: "OK, this is just stupid."

Lily: "Yeah, since when has Sirius been gay?"

Liz: "Since a ton of people wrote fan fics about his being gay and Remus being his lover."

Lupin: "Um. . . ."

Tonks: "Did Jo forget to mention that?"

Liz: "No, that's fan fiction writers making up their own strange ideas."

Random Girl Obsessed With Sirius: "How can Sirius be gay? He is my one true love!"

Me!: "Who are you?"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "I'm a random Muggle girl who loves you, Sirius, who else? Plus, I'll join your fan club!"

Me!: "Awesome!"

Ron: "Ah, it's going to blow!"

Creevey Family: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Victoria: "Shouldn't it have blown up already?"

Liz: "No, for the sake of this plot point, I'm allowing it to take a long time to blow up, because Harry put it in for a long time."

Harry: "I did?"

Liz: "Yes."

Harry: "Oh, yeah, I did!"

Me!: "Alright!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "Yay, now we're all going to live and I will be with Sirius forevermore!"

Me!: *sigh* "Fine."

Sirius and I switch back so now I, will be referred to as 'Me,' and Sirius will be referred to as, er . . . well . . . Sirius.

Random Girl Obsessed With Sirius: "Oh, my dear Siri!"

Me: *gags* "Siri?"

Sirius: "Wow, Siri? That's the best name I've ever been called! Even Moony hasn't called me that!"

Lupin: "How am I supposed to drill this through your thick skull, Siri . . . er, Sirius, we never had a relationship besides that of being friends."

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Say anything you want if it makes you feel better, Moony."

Lupin: "Argh. . . ."

Me: Wait a sec, if Remus is single now. . . . If I can't get Harry, I might as well get my dear Remmy! "Oh, Remus. . . ."

Lupin: "And now I have no one! My darling Tonks has deserted me!" *sobs*

Me: "Yes, it works exactly into my plan! Mwahaha!"

Tonks: "Wait a sec, why are you still here, Remus? I thought that you'd be in bed with Sirius."

Sirius: "No, I'm actually not gay! I have found a soul-mate in this random Muggle girl who loves me! Plus, she'll be in my fan club! Yay!"

Tonks: "You mean. . . .?"

Lupin: "Yup. I'm still single."

Tonks: "Yay! I love you again, now!" *gives Lupin a passionate kiss*

Me: "NO! Even my hopes for a guy older than me are shattered!"

Ron: "You do realize that he's way to old for you, don't you? And that he'd use you?"

Me: *pouts* "No."

Hermione: "And how could you really have a relationship if you just hear us in your head."

Me: "I don't know but I'll think of something! Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "OK, that's a bit scary."

Me: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails*

Sirius: "Why don't you just tell your sad life story on Totally Magorian, Liz? We'd all love to hear it."

Me: "Sure!"

Oldman: *face-palm*

Me: "Exams are coming up, you know."

Lupin: "Yeah, but you're exempt from most of them, aren't you?"

James: "So you can't really be stressed and have your brain melting."

Me: "Well, I'm stressed, anyway! And my brain is melting! Now leave me alone and let me wallow in peace: wallow, wallow, wallow. . . ."

Snape: *sigh* "Stop with the wallowing, Liz, or you'll have to call this chapter Wallowing II."

Me: "Actually I probably would to throw the readers off course."

Hermione: "But then they might not read it, because they didn't want to hear your pitiful wallowing."

Me: "Hey, it isn't pitiful! I got some really sympathetic reviews last time!"

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, because they felt sorry for you."

Random Girl Obsessed With Sirius: *screams* "Yay, another Sirius!"

Snape: "OK, that was just plain insensitive, Black."

Harry: "As if you aren't."

Lupin: "We've had this conversation before, I think."

Harry: "But, still. . . ."

Reginald: "Stop it, Harry! You're unloved!"

Harry: "What? I've never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Snape: *rolls eyes* "How many times are you going to use that line, Liz?"

Me: "I don't know, whenever I feel like it."

Guy: "But that line is getting as bad as the heavenly music in Chapter 10." *heavenly music plays*

Me: "Hey, what was the reason for the heavenly music that time?"

Guy: "What was the reason for Harry repeating that line for the billionth time?"

Me: "Because he was insulted!"

Snape: "But other times there has been no reason for it, like when my teenage self says that line."

Me: "Do not remind me of him ever again! I couldn't sleep for weeks because of that guy!"

Teenage Snape: "Hey, Liz! Guess what?"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhh, it burns!!!"

Me: "Speak of the devil."

Teenage Snape: "I'm so misunderstood!"

Harry: "So am I! No one loves me!"

Teenage Snape: "I feel for you, man!"

Harry and Teenage Snape walk off, arm-in-arm, sobbing.

Snape: "Well. . . ."

James: "Um. . . ."

Reginald: "Yay, I'm loved!"

Sirius: "Well, er . . . let's just start Totally Magorian!"

All: "That works."

I imagine this TV set place in my mind's eye and Sirius and Oldman are on the stage there, along with Padfoot (how does that make sense? I am so crazy!).

Sirius: "Hello, and welcome to the new show, Totally Magorian, with your hosts - Sirius Black. . . ."

Oldman: "And Gary Oldman!"

Padfoot: *barks*

Sirius: "And Padfoot, of course." *fake laugh*

All of Audience: *fake laugh*

Me: *rolls eyes* "This still doesn't make sense; I mean, Sirius is Padfoot, that's his Animagus form."

Hermione: "Exactly."

Keenan and Ron: "Huh?"

Hermione: *sigh* "Here, have some doughnuts."

Keenan: "DOUGHNUTS!"

Charizard: "Mmm, I love doughnuts."

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh, a Chinese Fireball!"

Me: "Well, at least he was closer this time."

Charizard: "Not you again!" *blows fire at Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Sirius: "Ahem. . . ."

Harry: "What?"

Oldman: "We are trying to do a show here, so maybe you guys shouldn't interrupt with all of your pointless conversations."

Me: "As if you don't."

Sirius: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails*

Sammy: "Stop with that line, Sirius."

Chuck: "We've heard it a million times."

Sammy: "And this show is pointless, anyway."

Chuck: "Because it debases the audience's tastes with crude and stupid humor."

Guy: "Yes, that is one of the major criticisms of television!"

Sammy: "Exactly. So basically you're dumbing down the US and the UK."

Chuck: "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Sirius: "I'm not. What about you, Oldman?"

Oldman: "Nope."

Both: *roll eyes and walk out*

Sirius: "Well, now that that pointless argument is over with, we are pleased to welcome the star of the show: Magorian the centaur!"

Magorian: "Totally!" *plays the guitar*

Umbridge: "Half-breed!"

Bane: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!"

Random Murderous Centaur: "Kill her!"

Umbridge: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away, followed closely by a band of murderous centaurs*

Me: "Will she ever learn?"

Lupin: "Not with you writing it."

Me: "What? I have. . . ."

Lupin: "Never been more insulted in your life? And then you'll wail and try to run out, because you can't run away from us."

Me: "Damn, I hate when you can read my mind."

Lupin: "I'm not reading your mind, but it's kind of obvious."

Me: "Why, you insolent, little. . . ."

Thewlis: "Professor."

Me: "Well, well, Thewlis. Out for a little walk in the moonlight, hmm?"

Oldman: "What are you doing? You guys you can do your little imitation of a scene in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie another time, but now, we have to do our show."

Me: *sigh* "Fine." Insensitive jerk.

Oldman: "Finally. So, Magorian, why don't you tell us a story about yourself.? We'd all love to hear it."

Magorian: "Alright, dude. OK, one time I was, like, walking through the forest and it was like, dark out. . . ."

Dudley: "Ooh, that means it was night, right?"

Harry: "Great job, Big D."

Dudley: "Don't call me that, Potter."

James: "Aren't I Potter?"

Dudley: "Wait, aren't you Harry's dead father?"

James: "I'm a ghost, now. Boo!"

Dudley: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *has a heart-attack and faints*

Petunia: "DUDLEY, NO!"

Vernon: "You have killed my son, you freaks! Now I'm going to kill you with my drills! Mwahaha!" *drill grinding (is that the sound a drill makes?), ah, well, a drill er . . . drilling in the background*

Voldemort: "Avada Kedavra!"

Vernon dies.

Petunia: "NO!"

Voldemort: "Avada Kedavra!"

Petunia dies.

Lupin: "That was a really bad plot-point you know, Liz."

Me: "Hey, I wanted to get back to the point."

Sirius: "Wow, thanks, Liz!"

Me: "Don't get used to it."

Oldman: "Alright, so why don't you finish telling us your story, Magorian?"

Magorian: "Alright, thanks, dude. I remember seeing a yun-ee-corn."

Sirius: *fake confused look* "You mean . . . a unicorn?"

Magorian: "Yeah, that, a yun-ee-corn, and it was lying down. So I said, "Mr. Yun-ee-corn, dude, you should get up. It's not safe to, like, be here alone, you should, like, be with your herd or whatever."

Oldman: "Then, what?"

Magorian: *shudders* "This is the freaky part, dude, because there was somethin' sucking the yun-ee-corn's blood and I looked and saw that it was a snake. . . ."

Harry: "Wait a minute. . . ."

Me: "Why does this remind me of something from Sorcerer's Stone?"

Lupin: "Because you're so obsessed that you relate everything to Harry Potter."

Me: "Well said!"

Lupin: *sigh*

Sirius: "What about the snake?" *suspenseful music plays*

Magorian: "The snake was wearing . . . pink bunny slippers!"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: *raises eyebrow* "Pink bunny slippers?"

Keenan: "It burns, it burns!"

Lupin: "But people, they're pink bunny slippers!"

Me: "Thank you, Remus!"

Tonks: "Remus? Since when have you called Lupin, Remus, Liz?"

Me: "Er . . . well. . . ."

Harry: "What about Professor Lupin?"

Lupin: "Harry, I haven't been your teacher for three years, now. Please call me Remus."

Me: *sigh* "Not the Professor Lupin/Remus discussion again! That's happened in nearly every fan fic I've read with Harry and Remus in it."

Hermione: "Then why did you write this conversation in?"

Me: "Some things are out of my control."

Parvati: "Some? You made the tough and . . . beautiful Magorian be afraid of a snake with pink bunny slippers."

Hermione: "He's a horse."

Lavender: "No, he isn't! He's a beautiful centaur!"

Parvati: "A gorgeous centaur."

Lavender: "Dazzling."

Parvati: "Magnificent."

Sirius: "Stop it and let us get back to the show! Magorian, do you have any more stories you wish to tell the eager audience?"

Magorian: *sobs*

Sirius: "Magorian, are you alright?"

Magorian: *sobs again*

Sirius: "Magorian!"

Firenze: "Magorian, what's wrong?"

Parvati and Lavender: *romantic sigh*

Hermione: *murmurs* "He's a horse."

Magorian: "I'm sorry, it just hurts to think of that, dude! It hurts so much!"

Firenze: "I can understand why. Mars is bright tonight."

Oldman: "And?"

Firenze: *sigh* "Do you know nothing, human? When Jupiter is bright, it means that centaurs called Magorian will be upset by random, coincidental memories in a fic called Random Conversations."

Trelawney: "For once, the nag makes sense."

Firenze: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!" *chases Trelawney*

Trelawney: "I'll just be going now, my dears." *runs off with Firenze close behind*

Magorian: "I'm so alone!"

Dad: "Don't worry, man. Here, have a pet moth. They always make you feel better!"

Magorian: "Really?"

Dad: "Yup."

Magorian: "Wow, thanks." *gets a pet moth* "I think I'll call him . . . Pluto."

Ginny: "Aw, he's so cute!"

Guy: "A new member of SPUM, yay!"

Me: *rolls eyes*

Magorian: "Wow, I feel so much better now. Let's do a line-dance about moths!"

Members of SPUM: "OK!" *start doing a line-dance* "We love moths, we love moths!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Why me?"

Sirius: "Because without us there wouldn't be any story; I thought that we explained that to you before, Liz."

Oldman: "So, so we don't need to have yet another pointless discussion about the pointlessness of this fic, let's invite the next guest to the stage. Let's see if you can guess who he is. Ready, Sirius?" *fake grin showing bright fake teeth*

Lockhart: "Hey, those are mine!" *swipes fake teeth*

Oldman: *sigh*

Sirius: "Ready, Gary. This person enjoys chamber music and ten-pin bowling. . . ."

Oldman: "He has discovered the twelve uses of dragon's blood. . . ."

Sirius: "And defeated the Dark wizard, Grindelwald in 1945!"

Oldman: "Please welcome Albus Dumbledore!"

Gambon: "Hello, Liz's brain!"

Audience: *claps and goes wild like you do at a concert (or the release of a new HP book, but that might just be me)*

Sirius: *sigh* "Liz, can we just get on with this, instead of about your comments about how obsessed you are with books about my godson?"

Me: "Hey, it's me who came up with this in the first place."

Sirius: "Yeah, and it was you who allowed Oldman and I to do this show, so let us do it!"

Gambon: "He has a point you know."

Oldman: "Hey, Michael, where's Dumbledore?"

Gambon: "Oh, he found a job as a Physics teacher at a high-school, and was busy, so I came instead."

Columbus: "PHYSICS!"

Cuaron: "PHYSICS!"

Newell: "PHYSICS!"

Yates: "PHYSICS!"

Dad: "I hate Physics and werewolves!"

Harry: "I am not overdramatic!" *runs after Dad*

Dad: "Ah, I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Sirius: "Anyway . . . since we don't have Dumbledore here, what's it like working in the Harry Potter movies, Mike?"

Dad: "What?"

Sirius: *sigh* "Not you, this one, Gambon's first name is Michael or Mike."

Dad: "Oh."

Gambon: "Well, it's pretty good."

Oldman: "Wasn't there someone who played Dumbledore before you: Rupert, Ronan, um . . . Ron?"

Gambon: "Oh, yeah, Richard Harris."

Oldman: "Oh, yeah, him."

Ghost of Harris: "Him? Just him? I was a very good actor in the movies, to let you know, Gambon, much better than you are with your braided beard. What type of Dumbledore would have a braided beard?"

James: "A hippie Dumbledore might."

Ghost of Harris: "But Dumbledore isn't a hippie!"

Gir: "Crows . . . foxes . . . hippies."

Ghost of Harris: "What?"

Me: "Er . . . ignore the strange robot named Gir."

Ghost of Harris: "Oh, OK. What were you saying, Gambon?"

Gambon: "Well, now he is! Can't someone be different for once? Why do we all have to conform, man?"

Me: *rolls eyes* "Not when Jo set out a specific description of what Dumbledore looked like and it does not say that he has a braided beard."

Dad: "Nor does it say that he changes the 'do of his beard every few camera angles."

Gambon: "I care about my hair! Is there something wrong with that now, too?"

Ghost of Harris: "Yes, there is!"

Gambon: "Then why don't you come and face me like a man, dude?"

Ghost of Harris: "Because I'm a ghost, you idiot! If you had been reading what Liz was writing, you would know that!"

Gambon: "Why didn't Voldemort use the 'Fake Latin, Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell,' on you, then?"

Ghost of Harris: "Because of an insane new law that she just made up and which I respect. We must respect the Creator."

Me: "Me, the creator? OK, I'll take it."

Sirius: "Um . . . it was Jo that made up the Harry Potter series in the first place, Richard."

Me: "Damn, you Sirius!"

Sirius: "I'm just here to make your life better one step at a time, Liz."

Me: *rolls eyes*

Ghost of Harris: "Oh, OK. Mrs. Diggory, could you get Voldemort for me?"

Mrs. Diggory: "Sure, Mr. Harris. Voldemort!"

Voldemort: *sigh* "I was just enjoying a veggie burger, what do you want?"

Mrs. Diggory: "Do the 'Fake Latin, Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell,' on Harris."

Voldemort: "OK. Deadus Peopleus Bringus Backus tous Lifeus!"

Harris is brought back to life.

Harris's Granddaugter: "Grandpa, you're back! Now will you take that role as Dumbledore again?"

Harris: "Of course, right after I beat Gambon up."

Harris's Granddaughter: "Good, otherwise I wouldn't speak to you ever again."

Harris: *beats Gambon up*

Sirius: "Eat walnuts, fool and then go off to play with your chemistry set!"

Lupin: *rolls eyes* "That line from the Prisoner of Azkaban movie is so bad, Pads. Why do you insist on saying it?"

Sirius: "It's a great line, Moony. Cuaron is a genius, I tell you. Plus, he gave me enough screen time to satisfy my pathological need for attention, yay!"

Newell: "PHYSICS!"

Sirius: "You!" *runs after Newell*

Newell: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Regulus: "Eat walnuts, foolish hippie Dumbledore!" *stuffs walnuts up Gambon's nostrils*

Gambon: "Ahhhhhhhh, no!"

Harris: "Hey, don't those cause unbearable suffering when stuffed up a person's nostrils?"

Snape: "Yup, I remember well."

Lupin: "Wow, it's amazing that we remembered all these chapters. Liz must be quizzing all of her faithful reviewers for the last chapter."

Sirius: "Wait? This is the last chapter?"

Me: "Lupin!"

Lupin: "You mean it isn't and the 'smart and humble Remus Lupin' was incorrect when he read your mind?"

Me: *sigh* "You took that from The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape, didn't you?"

Lupin: "And if I did?"

Harry: "This is the last chapter, no!"

Creevey Family: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me: "Then, I might do a sequel called The Many Gruesome Deaths of Remus Lupin."

Lupin: "Not when you're in love with me."

Me: *blushes* "What? How'd you. . . .?"

Lupin: "I heard that conversation that I guess I wasn't supposed to hear."

Me: "Yes, you definitely weren't supposed to hear it."

Guy: "Why don't you let your dreams be realized, Liz?"

Me: "My dream to be married to a fictional character?"

Guy: "Yes! Even if it can never be possible, in this fic it can be, but you don't let it out in the open, but dreams are only dreams if you don't act on them!" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "Not the heavenly music again! We've had this conversation before."

Hermione: "Well, he's just trying to delay the end, Liz, when you so harshly end this fic for all of your faithful reviewers."

Me: "I need to move on."

Sirius: "NO!" *sobs*

Me: "Um . . . yes, Sirius."

Sirius: "NO! I don't want this fic to end! I want to continue to be this strangely annoying yet main character guy!"

Guy: "You mean, me?"

Sirius: "No, I mean a guy, as in a male, manly, masculine person."

Lupin: "Well, you weren't really manly when you were pretending I was your lover?"

Sirius: "Stop it, Moony! You're sparking more reminiscent memories! Don't end it, Liz! What did I ever do to you?" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Me: "Well, first chapter, refused to leave me alone when I was trying to write the introduction, second chapter. . . ."

Sirius: "You know what I mean! Wasn't I a good friend?"

Me: "Friend?"

Sirius: "You know what I mean, a thorn in your side, yet one that you wanted to keep there?"

Me: "One: that's a really bad metaphor to describe you, and two: let me explain why I'm ending it."

Lupin: "An insane new law of Fan Fic Writing in General, since you're ending Random Conversations?"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "Well, if you don't want me to tell you, I'll just end it right here and readers can type their tearful reviews and that would make all of you feel bad."

Snape: "Ahem."

Me: "Well, except for Snape and the Teenage James and Sirius, because they're really insensitive.

Teenage James: "Yay, I was more insensitive than you, Padfoot!"

Teenage Sirius: "Nuh-uh!"

Teenage James: "Uh-huh!"

Teenage Sirius: "Nuh-uh!"

Teenage James: "Uh-huh!"

Me: *sigh* "I'm ending it because Chapter 12's are always significant in the Harry Potter series and this is significant because it's the last chapter."

Hermione: "There's more than that, Liz. Chapter 13's are significant too, you know, and, with this randomness, you could make any chapter number significant in your own demented way."

Me: "Well, all of this criticism would do it, too."

Victoria: "Constructive criticism."

Me: "Whatever. Fine, I want to start writing more serious and well-written fics to practice my writing skills for senior year. Does that make you happy?"

Sirius: "But this shows writing skill."

Me: "I'm sure it does, with me using the line: 'What? I've never been more insulted in my life!' a million times."

Ginny: "Don't end it, Liz, please. We still have so much stuff to cover."

Me: "Listen, I'll write other humor fics, they might even be set up like this, like The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape."

Sirius: *stomps foot* "But I want this one!"

Me: "Stop acting like Peter, Sirius."

Peter: "Hey!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Stop, I already have a massive headache and a sore throat and I hyperventilated yesterday, so give me a break, people."

Sirius: "But I want more chapters!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "But you have me, now Sirius and you don't need this fic to feel wanted."

Me: "Thank you, Random Girl. See, all of you are in some sort of relationship now."

Ron: "What about me?"

Me: "Er . . . doesn't he have Rosmerta or Gabrielle? I lost track."

Hermione: "Er . . . I'm not sure."

Me: "Ah, well, he's just Ron."

Ron: "But what about when you wrote about me in See You There. I wasn't 'just Ron,' then, was I? I was the heroic, smart Ron!"

Me: "That's because you were Harry's best friend."

Ron: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life! I'm nothing but Harry's useless sidekick, aren't I?"

Harry: "Yeah, basically."

Ron: *wails*

Sirius: "OK, this is just stupid."

Me: "See, Sirius, there's another reason why I should end it, you hate the pointlessness of this fic!"

Sirius: *sigh* "I know I do, but my pathological need for attention makes me want to be one of the main characters at all times, with all people. . . ."

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "But. . . ."

Sirius: "Not just people who are part of my fan club."

Me: "But I'm writing other fics with you in them, Sirius, in fact, you are portrayed in an even better light, you're a responsible and fatherly. . . ."

Sirius: "What? I don't want to be responsible or fatherly! I want to be crazy!"

Me: "You've been being crazy for twelve chapters, so now it's time to tone it down a bit."

Hermione: "And you also want to perfect your writing skills with something more mature than this fic, right?"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "Hey, it isn't my fault that I'm taking an Honors-level Composition Course that freshmen in college take."

Harry: "For what?"

Me: "To become a writer, of course."

Ron: "But you are a writer."

Me: *sigh* "An official writer, one with works on bookshelves."

Sirius: "Oh, that type of writer."

Me: "That type of writer? What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius: "You sold us out so that you could be an 'official writer.'"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "I am not a traitor for wanting to become an official writer. Writing is one of the best professions in the world and it's so rewarding to see your works on the shelves." *sigh* "Look at Jo."

Jo: "Thank you, Liz."

Dumbledore: "The creator!" *bows to Jo*

Jo: "OK, that's a bit scary."

Me: "But didn't you create Dumbledore in your likeness somewhat?"

Jo: "In my official books, yes, but now this crazy, random Dumbledore who is so out of canon."

Hermione: "Why are you here, Jo?"

Dumbledore: "The creator, Miss Granger, not 'Jo!'"

Hermione: *rolls eyes* "Whatever."

Jo: "I heard that Liz is ending Random Conversations, and I think I have an idea since Sirius doesn't want it to end."

Sirius: "Randomness will continue! Yay!"

Jo: *murmurs* "Is he always like this?"

Me: "Yes, in fact, sometimes, he's even worse."

Oldman: "BECAUSE OF COFFEE!"

Sirius: "I LOVE COFFEE!"

Oldman: "AND LATTES!"

Sirius: "YEAH, AND LATTES!"

Me: *moans*

Jo: "Wow."

Ginny: "So . . . what's your idea, Jo?"

Jo: "How about Liz allows her faithful reviewers and readers to continue the legacy of Random Conversations if they wish to?"

Keenan: "Huh?"

Jo: "Who's Keenan? I don't remember writing about him."

Me: "You didn't. He's, er . . . an original character."

Jo: "Oh."

Me: "Oh, I've seen fics like that before, like it says, 'the continuation of 'So and So's,' 'Fill in the Blank Title.' And my reviewers and readers could do that, except maybe they could call me 'Lizzy Lovegood,' instead of 'Me,' or if they were really angry, 'Traitor.'"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: *rolls eyes*

Ron: "There's a fan fic author called 'So and So?'"

Victoria: *sigh* "No, Ron, Liz is using that as an example."

Ron: "Oh."

Harry: "You should change your username to 'So and So,' Liz."

Me: "How about . . . no? I like the name Lizzy Lovegood."

Lupin: "But you haven't even written any fics about Luna!"

Luna: "What? I am unloved? I should have my Crumple-Horned Snorcack, named Prescott, attack you now."

Me: "But the next chapter in An Ironic Title is about you, Luna. Plus, you're one of my favorite characters because of your eccentricity."

Luna: "Oh. OK, then."

Me: "Phew."

Hermione: "Forget the fact that Crumple-Horned Snorcacks aren't even real, Liz."

Prescott: "Yes, they are. See?"

Hermione: *faints*

Jo: "I knew that, but Prescott?"

Me: "My sentiments, exactly."

Luna: "Oh, I see that Jo forgot to mention that I had a pet Snorcack named Prescott."

Jo: "What? I didn't forget to mention anything!"

Mrs. Weasley: "Yeah, right." *changes into a tiger*

Jo: "Since when has Mrs. Weasley been able to turn into a tiger?"

Mr. Weasley: "Exactly."

Mrs. Weasley: *growls* "You're mine!"

Mr. Weasley: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away with the tiger close behind*

Jo: "But that isn't me that left that out, that's Liz using writer's license and putting in these things to try and make plot-points in this randomness."

All: "WHAT?!"

Me: "Which is yet another reason why I should end this fic."

All: *roll eyes* "Whatever."

Me: "Phew."

Jo: "Now that we have everything worked out, why don't you guys say goodbye to your adoring reviewers and readers?"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "Like me, Siri!"

Sirius: "OK, Random Girl! Bye people out there, including Random Girl, reading this pointless fic!"

Teenage Sirius: "Bye!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: *romantic sigh*

Me: "OK, this is really cheesy."

James: "It's not cheesy, it's cheddar."

Lily: "Yeah, Liz. Stop being so insensitive at the most sentimental part of this fic."

Me: "I'm only trying to improve my writing skills." *pouts*

Lupin: "You're wallowing."

Me: "Grr. . . ."

All of People from Random Conversations (Even Those Who Were Never Mentioned So All of Those People From Harry Potter in General): "BYE!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "No more cheesiness, please!"