Hogwarts: A Musical

Chapter Three: You're So Vain

Molly Weasley was sitting on a plain, tall stool in the blue spotlight of a smallish black stage, a microphone in her hand. The audience (which consisted of several chained fictional characters) was buzzing with anticipation (or possibly might have been if they weren't all gagged and bound) at the performance they were certain was to come. Molly pivoted so that she could face the person next to her; Gilderoy Lockhart, decked out in a hospital gown that was a flattering fourescent green with little purple bunny rabbits, was looking rather bewildered as he sat perched on an identical stool. Molly then opened her mouth and began to sing to the tune of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain", with Lockhart's interludes stuck in between each line...

You walked into the party

"Party? What party? I like parties!"

Like you were walking onto a yacht

"Umm... What's a yacht? Is it a monster? Because if so, I can deal with one of those..."

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

"Well, yes, I always thought that look was rather chic..."

Your scarf it was apricot

"Come now, that does not suit my complexion at all, apricot is so last season!"

You had one eye in the mirror

"Yes, well, I can hardly to afford to have my hair in disarray..."

As you watched yourself gavotte

"I was always rather good at that..."

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

"You can hardly blame them!"

They'd be your partner and

You're so vain

"Excuse me?!"

You probably think this song is about you

"Wait a moment; technically it is about me..."

You're so vain

"Yes, we've established that, although I must say I disagree..."

I bet you think this song is about you

"It is!"

Well you had me several years ago

"How would you like an autograph?"

When I was still quite naïve

"If you'd like I can give you lots of them so you can give them to all of your friends..."

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

"Well, stop singing, I didn't learn joined up writing for nothing!"

And that you would never leave

"I only hope I have enough photographs"

But you gave away the things you loved

He whipped out a fancy peacock-feather quill. "Well, let's get cracking then, shall we?"

And one of them was me

He then started scribbling, trying desperately to distract Molly from the song that was beginning to grate more and more on his nerves.

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

"You know, I'm actually quite good at deciphering dreams..."

Clouds in my coffee and

"I once used them to pinpoint the exact location of a vampire terrorizing a small Transylvanian town."

You're so vain

"Oh no, not this again, I thought that we were beyond this..."

You probably think this song is about you

"For the last time, it is about me! Or at least, the first part was; now I'm not so sure, you seem to be describing quite an unlikable character..."

You're so vain

"You know, madame, this really is uncalled for."

I bet you think this song is about you

"If you continue, I'll be forced to suspend you from my next book signing..."

Don't you, don't you, don't you

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

"Perhaps they represent the grudge you are apparently harboring against me!"

Clouds in my coffee and...

"As I said before, if you really won't let me help, you ought to see someone about that."

You're so vain

"Madame, you really are being repetitive."

You probably think this song is about you

"It is becoming clearer by the moment that despite the fact that you are singing to me, this song is not about me."

You're so vain

"There you go again with the personal attacks..."

I bet you think this song is about you

"That's it, no autographs for you madame!"

Don't you, don't you, don't you

Molly Weasley was unfortunately unable to complete the several verses still to come because just then, she was interrupted by a nurse bustling on to the stage. "Now Gilderoy, I know you're having a lovely time visiting with your special friend, but visiting hours are over. I'm sure she can come back tomorrow!" And with that, the stage lights were extinguished.

Chapter Four: I Love Quidditch

As some cheerful fairy-ballet music set the mood, much to his team mates' Oliver Wood tippie-toed across the stage in a bright pink tu-tu, opened his mouth, and began to sing to the tune of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story with a dance routine to match.

"I love Quidditch,

Oh, dear Quidditch,

I will fly and I'll play it all day!

And I pity,

All the Slytherins we're going to slay!

I feel ruthless,

Oh, so ruthless,

They'll be toothless for ruthless I feel!

I love Quidditch,

And I hardly can believe it's real.

See the pretty Quaffle soaring towards me

Can you see me catch it with ease?

Such a wondrous dive,

Such a lovely swoop,

Such a charming smile,

Such a pretty me!

Guess that practice,

Finally paid off,

Even though it was pouring down rain!

I love Quidditch,

To the point where I'm simply insane!"

With this last line, Oliver gave a graceful flying leap that sent him soaring like a swan off if the stage. All of the audience winced as they heard the painful crash that sound as though he had collided into something very large and very solid. Possibly Hagrid.