Order of the Phoenix - The Musical

ACT THREE Scene 1: The courtroom. FUDGE: You’re late.
HARRY: But I didn’t know the time had been changed…
FUDGE: (To the tune of The Trial, from Pink Floyd’s The Wall)
Good morning, Wizengamot
The records plainly show
The ‘Boy-Who-Lived’ who stands before you
Was caught red-handed doing magic,
Doing magic of an almost adult nature!
This will not do.

HARRY: But I…

FUDGE: Call the Interrogators!

UMBRIDGE: I always said he’d be no hero
In the end, Your Honour.
This boy has broken laws before,
He could have let secrets escape.
All those times he’s lied
The paranoia-mongers
Let him get away with murder
Let us judge him right today…

FUDGE: Crazy,
Everyone loves him, they are crazy,
Don’t they read Skeeter?
This boy’s a danger, we must put him away

WIZENGAMOT: Crazy,
Everyone loves him, they are crazy!

UMBRIDGE: You little git, you’ve done it now,
I hope they throw away the key.
You should’ve not made that Patronus when you did,
But no! You had to play the hero.
Have you started any rumours lately?
He’ll lie before us now, Your Honour,
Don’t leave him alone.

HARRY: But there were…

FUDGE: Booooooooooy!
In front of Muggles, Potter,
You could have done such harm,
This is not the first time that you’ve got into such trouble
A fully-fledged Patronus
Wizengamot, he wants our cover blown.

WIZENGAMOT: Crazy,
Say he hears voices, he is crazy –
Bars at his window.
He ought to get his own Azkaban cell,
To lock him in…

FUDGE: Crazy, says he hears voices, he is crazy…

UMBRIDGE: The evidence before the court is incontravertible,
Now let’s just get Dumbledore to retire.
In all my years of living I have never heard before
Of a brat more deserving of the breaking of this law
Oh Skeeter mades us suffer
Tales of your poor dead mother
You fill me with an ever-growing hate!

FUDGE: Since, my boy, you have revealed your weakness clear
I sentence you…

The music stops. Enter Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: Hello, did I miss anything?
Harry puts his head in his hands.

FUDGE: Ah, Dumbledore… What a pleasant surprise…
DUMBLEDORE: Why? You knew I was coming.
FUDGE: Er… Well. Dolores and I were just rehearsing our little duet for a production of West Side Story while we were waiting for you to arrive…
DUMBLEDORE: Good good. Well, don’t let me keep you.
FUDGE: Well, shall we begin?
DUMBLEDORE: And since this is a comedy musical, let’s try something more cheery that that prog rock I’ve caught you listening to, Cornelius. How about some Grease?
He waves his wand. Before Fudge can stop him, the opening bars to ‘Summer Nights’ from Grease start playing, and Fudge starts singing.
FUDGE: Doing magic – the boy has a past.
HARRY: Saw Dementors, happened so fast.
DUMBLEDORE: I have a witness, as you can see
FUDGE: You have a Squib’s testimony
Muggles see – breaks our decree
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

BONES: Tell me more, tell me more, did your charm have a shape?
UMBRIDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, why’d they let him escape?

FIGG: Dementors running – gave me a fright
BONES: Dementors running – glided, more like
HARRY: I saved his life – he was nearly kissed
FUDGE: This story’s flaws could not be missed
Dementors loose? Cooked your own goose
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh

UMBRIDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, lie some more if you dare…
DUMBLEDORE: Tell me more, tell me more, were they ordered right there?

FUDGE: No Dementors are out of control
HARRY: Those Dementors could have got my soul
DUMBLEDORE: They’re all loyal to ‘You know who’
FUDGE: We’ll have no more nonsense from you!
You’re deranged – and laws can be changed
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

DUMBLEDORE: Tell me more, tell me more, why’d you have a full trial?
FUDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, have you not seen Potter’s file?

DUMBLEDORE: You have a witness – the truth can be found
FUDGE: We have a witness – but she isn’t sound
BONES: I will ask her – question some more
UMBRIDGE: You know this Squib – she’s such a bore
She’s so fake, it makes my head ache
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

BONES: Tell me more, tell me more, these Dementors, how tall?
FUDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, can you see them at all?

FIGG: It turned colder, this warm summer night
Shivering shoulders – misery, fright
FUDGE: It sounds false – made-up somehow
BONES: It sounds true – what to do now…
ALL: Dementors loose gives an excuse for breaking magical law…
Tell me more, tell me more!

DUMBLEDORE: Now come along, I have an appointment at the manicurist’s. What’s the verdict? All those who say Harry Potter gets let off raise your hands.
Many hands go up.
DUMBLEDORE: All those who say Harry Potter doesn’t get let off, the Pope isn’t Catholic and Dolores Umbridge is a sex goddess, raise your hands now.
Fudge and Umbridge resolutely raise their hands.
FUDGE: Cleared of all charges. The last laugh will be mine, Dumbledore
UMBRIDGE: You may have won the battle – but not the war!
FUDGE: I could have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling Squibs!
UMBRIDGE: I’ll get you next time Potter – next time!

Scene 2: Outside the courtroom.

ARTHUR: So, were you…
HARRY: Cleared of all charges…
ARTHUR: Oh no – I lose those ten Galleons at the betting office – but congratulations Harry!
LUCIUS: Oh hello. Allow me to taunt you Potter. You can wriggle out of problems. How snakelike. And Arthur Weasley. You’re poor.
ARTHUR: Yes, well, you may be rich, powerful, sexy and have a really stylish cane – but I have one thing you don’t.
LUCIUS: And what is that?
ARTHUR: A Hornby train set!
Harry and Arthur march off into the distance.

Scene 3: 12 Grimmauld Place.

Fred, George and Ginny are dancing around the table, and singing to the tune of ‘New York, New York’.

FRED, GEORGE, GINNY: Start spreading the news – Harry’s a free guy
He will still be a part of it – Hogwarts, Hogwarts
You Ministry dudes – we spit in your eye
Escape – he’s made an art of it! Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

He’s going to wake up, in the school where portraits sleep
Harry the boy-who-survived – the Seeker to keep!

He never can lose – just look at him fly
He could never be apart from it, that old Hogwarts
If he can do his OWLs, he’ll do it all somehow
It’s up to you, Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

HARRY: My scar is burning.
RON: Stop being depressing while we’re celebrating for you. That’s just selfish. Besides, bet Dumbledore will turn up.
MOLLY: Doubt it.

FRED, GEORGE, GINNY: These old hearing blues… are melting away…
MOLLY: Oh shut up, I don’t even like Frank Sinatra.

Caption: Several days later

RON: Hogwarts letters have arrived. Funny how mine feels all heavy with a big chunky badge-like thing in it. Maybe they’re sending me a late birthday card.
HARRY: (taking his) Thanks.
Ron takes out his letter.
RON: Dear Ronald Weasley, blah blah blah, term starts, blah, cheese, blah blah blah, you’ve been made a prefect, blah blah mayonnaise… Wait a second.
FRED: Prefect?
GEORGE: You yankin’ my crank?
HERMIONE: I’m a prefect! Yay! Yay yay yay!
ALL: Shut up Hermione.
(Enter Molly) MOLLY: Pyjamas! We must talk about pyjamas!
FRED: Ron’s a prefect.
MOLLY: But pyjamas, Fred… Oh. Well allow me to be all motherly and pukeworthy…
The spotlight falls on Harry – having deep existential angst. He sings to the tune of Queen’s ‘We are the champions’.
HARRY: We’ve broken rules, time after time
I’ve been to a hearing, but committed no crime
And our housepoints, I’ve won a few
I had to navigate around a great maze
But I’ve come through

Ron is a prefect – no fair
I’ve been in a basilisk’s lair
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
I feel such a loser
‘Cause Ron is a prefect over me

I’ve taken my blows, and my famous scar
It’s bought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it
But it’s been hard
Still no-one supposes that I get the blues
I was given a challenge before the whole of my school
And I didn’t lose

But Ron is a prefect – no fair
In lessons we might just compare
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
I won’t act the loser
But Ron is a prefect… over me

Ron is a prefect – no fair
I wish that I knew why I care
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
For once, I’m the loser
‘Cause Ron is a prefect…

HERMIONE: I didn’t hear the rest of that song, but the ‘over me’ bits sounded like ‘Come Together’ by the Beatles.
RON: Who are the Beatles?
HERMIONE: We did that joke earlier.

Scene 4: The Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, and Order are all at the dinner table. Mundungus and the twins are sniggering about something. The rest of the family/Order are fussing over Ron and Hermione.
MUNDUNGUS: Illegal goods – give me money, Fred and George.
FRED & GEORGE: Begone, rip-off merchant who embodies the word ‘dodgy’!
MOODY: Hmm, I spy a boggart. (Mundungus jumps when he hears Moody speak.)
HERMIONE: Really? What do they look like?
MOODY: Now that would be telling. Mine happens to look like the inside of a magical chest.
HARRY: Moody’s got his eye on you Mundungus.
MUNDUNGUS: (hurriedly) OK, I’ll pay you ten Galleons to say you didn’t get them from me…
MOLLY: Time for bed, as a famous Muggle cartoon character once said. I’ll just go sort out the Boggart.
Everyone but Moody and Harry leaves the room.
MOODY: Do you want to see a picture of some people who died in horrific ways?
HARRY: Uh – raincheck…
Harry flees the scene. Moody looks bemused.
MOODY: Strange boy.

Scene 5: An upper room. The stage is mainly in darkness. Harry stumbles in, and the spotlight falls on Ron’s dead body. HARRY: Ron! But you’re downstairs…
The lights raise. Molly appears. She is crying.
MOLLY: Riddikulus!
She repeats the phrase again and again, and each time the body changes to a different member of the Weasley family – then finally, Harry’s body.
HARRY: Mrs. Weasley – get out of here! Let someone else –
Enter Remus and Sirius, closely followed by Moody.
REMUS: What’s going on?
He looks at Harry and the body.
REMUS: Riddikulus!
The body turns into a silvery orb – then vanishes. Molly cries harder.
REMUS: Molly – it’s all right – just a Boggart…
The Chorus of Readers enter – they sing to the tune of ‘She is leaving’ by the Beatles (from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts’ Club Band).
READERS: Molly’s mourning – the future’s bleak as the war begins
Seeing her children seem dead on the floor
Clutching the hope they will get through the war
We have known there is a risk in
Fighting for our beliefs
Quietly crying – no one can see
Wishing they all could be free

ALL: Life –
MOLLY: Tell me we’ll all make it through
ALL: Is fleeting –
MOLLY: Please tell me what I should do
ALL: Life –
MOLLY: I don’t want to go without saying goodbye
REMUS: Life’s passing through, and we have to make do with our few brief years
READERS: Bye, bye

Percy’s gone, for they argued and he would not back down
Ties with his parents he’ll not repair
Living alone as a man of affairs
She thinks how the lies come from Fudge
Had stopped them from going on
How could he treat them so thoughtlessly?
Would they remain enemies?

ALL: Life –
MOLLY: He always thought we were wrong
ALL: Is fleeting –
MOLLY: Why can’t we all get along?
ALL: Life –
MOLLY: We struggled hard to help Percy get by
REMUS: Life’s passing through, and we have to make do with our few brief years
READERS: Bye, bye

Comes the morning, she’s dreamt their death is not far away
Voldemort’s caused them all so much pain
Wait for the end of his evil’s reign

ALL: Life –
MOLLY: We’ll see it through to the end
ALL: Is fleeting –
MOLLY: This broken world we must mend
ALL: Life –
MOLLY: Life is one more thing that money can’t buy
ALL: We’ll take the chance, we’ll be taking a stance against Voldemort
READERS: Bye, bye
ALL: Life’s passing through, bye bye.

End of Act Three.

HARRY: Thanks for that, as if I wasn’t depressed enough.
AUTHOR: What?
HARRY: (Sarcastically) Really cheerful stuff – The Wall and She is Leaving – and happy lines like ‘I am a loser’, ‘our few brief years’ and other optimistic sentiments. You’ve really made me feel good about myself, Indigo.
AUTHOR: It’s Ziona actually, but hey. Come on, I had to work hard to get any humour into this act at all. Humour, reassurance that we don’t all vanish when we die, amusing magazine articles and all that jazz, come later with Luna Lovegood and her unique view of life.
HARRY: But until then I have to sit around depressed waiting for it.
AUTHOR: You could sing a song to keep yourself occupied. Isn’t there a song you can sing on such occasions?
HARRY: Er, well, I… I, er, well…
AUTHOR: Yes?
Harry sighs.
HARRY: All right… (to the tune of ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie)
The fun’ll come out the next act
Bet you your last Sickle it’s the best act
So far

Keep thinking about the next act
Though I’ve not had chance to read an extract
Luna stars

When I’m stuck with a scene that’s mean and measly
I just give it my best, then rest, and say… Oh…

The fun’ll come out, the next act
So we’ll have to wait until the next act
Come what may
The next act, the next act, it might be the best act
It’s just an update away

The rest of the cast rushes in.
ARTHUR: Let’s all sing! Molly, start singing!
MOLLY: But I can’t sing!
ARTHUR: We discovered that earlier. Sing everyone! Bitch queens from hell too, Umbridge – sing!
For once all the cast lay aside their differences, and focus on their mutual hope that I’ll bring out some actual humour next act.
ALL: The fun’ll come out the next act
Bet you your last Sickle it’s the best act
So far

Keep thinking about the next act
Though we’ve not had chance to read an extract
Luna stars

FUDGE: It’s the Minister of Magic!
When I’m stuck with a trial that’s vile and lousy
And I can’t condemn – what then? I’ll say… Oh…

ALL: The fun’ll come out, the next act
So we’ll have to wait until the next act
Come what may
The next act, the next act, it might be the best act
It’s just an update away!