Order of the Phoenix - The Musical

ACT FOUR

Please note that in the first song of this act, OWLs should be sung 'Oh dubya ells' if you want it to scan…

Scene 1: 12 Grimmauld Place.
NARRATOR: The time has come for our friends to return to Hogwarts. Chaos reigns at 12 Grimmauld Place.
FRED: (checking the luggage) EXTENDABLE EARS!
GEORGE: CHECK!
MRS. BLACK: EXCREMENT! HALF-BREEDS!
GINNY: RON, HAVE YOU SEEN PIGWIDGEON?
FRED: SKIVING SNACKBOXES AND CANARY CREAMS!
GEORGE: CHECK!
MOODY: WHERE'S PODMORE?
MRS. BLACK: SCUM! CREATURES OF DIRT!
ARTHUR: TWO SUGARS AND MILK PLEASE!
HERMIONE: HEDWIG! HEDWIG, OVER HERE!
FRED: CHOCOLATE TEAPOTS!
RON: HARRY, WAKE UP!
MRS. BLACK: PUSTULES! BOILS! SCAB-RIDDEN VERMIN!
GEORGE: CHECK!
The twins' cases knock Ginny over.
MOLLY: RIGHT! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
HARRY: WHAT ON EARTH'S GOING ON?
NARRATOR: TIME FOR A SONG!

(To the tune of 'Homeward Bound' by Simon and Garfunkel)
RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE:
We're going to the railway station
And Hogwarts is our destination
We're going back to learn new spells
And play the pranks that Zonko's sells
Sitting our O.W.L.s
It's time to say our fond farewells

Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
School! Where there's trolls escaping
School! Where there's Quidditch-playing
School! Where there's Snape's berating
Moodily at me…

HARRY: There's practice with the Quidditch team
We'll win again and reign supreme
HERMIONE: Those books don't look too good to me
They're plainly written to appease
RON: Go and get your head fixed, please
What matters is we'll finally be…

RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE:
Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
School! There are magic creatures
School! There are loony teachers
School! All those special features
Waiting there for me…

The hat will sing its song again
We eat the feast and meet our friends
All the Hogwarts sights we'll see
The squid and great old whomping tree
Spells and camaraderie
Remind me why I long to be…

Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
HARRY: School! For the Dark Lord fighting!
HERMIONE: School! For the essay-writing!
RON: School! All the food's delighting
Waiting there for me…

RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE: Waiting there for me…

Enter Sirius in dog form.
MOLLY: FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SIRIUS, DUMBLEDORE SAID NO! Oh, sorry, I didn't realise we'd finished the shouting. Well, off to King's Cross with us!

Scene 2: The Hogwarts Express.

HARRY: Let's go find some seats.
HERMIONE: Er, actually Ron and I have to do and do cliquey prefect stuff.
RON: But once our Percy-like activities are over, we'll come and find you.
HARRY: Oh. Right.
GINNY: (aside) Yes! I finally have him to myself! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Time to work my feminine magic on him!
(Enter Michael Corner)
MICHAEL: Hi Ginny – meet you at Hogwarts?
GINNY: Yeah, sure.
(Exit Michael Corner)
GINNY: Damn. Anyway, come on, Harry, let's find a seat…
(Enter Neville Longbottom)
NEVILLE: Ginny! I can't find a seat! (aside) Yes! I finally have my second favourite potential love-interest to myself! Bwahahahaha…
HARRY: Oh, hi Neville.
NEVILLE: Damn. I mean, hi Harry.
They go into a compartment to be confronted by a huge upside-down magazine with legs and a hat with corks, giggling manically.
NEVILLE: Er – I…
GINNY: Oh, it's just Luna Lovegood.
Luna lowers her magazine.
LUNA: People call me Loony. I have no idea why…
NEVILLE: Anyway… look at this plant I got for my birthday, at the end of July, as will become an important plot point later.
HARRY: Er, pardon?
NEVILLE: Mimbulus mimbletonia!

(Pretty much in the style of 'Da doo' from Little Shop of Horrors)
GINNY & LUNA: Da doo
NEVILLE: My Great Uncle Algie was in Assyria this year
GINNY & LUNA: Shoop da doo
NEVILLE: He was going to get me some kind of rare gift
GINNY & LUNA: Gift for you
NEVILLE: He was going to buy me an antique magical carpet
GINNY & LUNA: Good as new
NEVILLE: But he knows that strange plants are my hobby
GINNY & LUNA: Da da da da da da doo!

HARRY: Well that's very nice Neville, but I want to ask…
GINNY & LUNA: What's it do?
NEVILLE: If you just give it a little poke with a quill
GINNY & LUNA: Poke it true
NEVILLE: And suddenly…
GINNY & LUNA: Da doo
Neville pokes.
NEVILLE: Without warning you get
ALL: Covered in smelly stinksap!
NEVILLE: It spurts right out, covering everything and it smells like something out of this world!
GINNY & LUNA: Like poo…
Enter Cho Chang.
HARRY: (aside) And now Cho's come in, and I look like a loser…
GINNY & LUNA: Chang for you
CHO: Hi Harry – things going badly for you?
GINNY & LUNA: If you knew…
Exit Cho Chang.
HARRY: This is the worse possible time ever. Why didn't I sit with cool people instead of mucking around with strange plants and Loony Lovegood?
GINNY: Look, don't worry – scourgify!
GINNY & LUNA: Sha la la, la la la, la la la loo.

HARRY: Oh well – wonder when Ron and Hermione will turn up?
NARRATOR: A hour later…
Enter Ron and Hermione.
RON: Dreadful news – Malfoy's a prefect.
HARRY: (singing) Malfoy's a prefect – Malfoy's a prefect! I'm such a loser, Malfoy's a prefect, over me!
HERMIONE: And so is that cow, Pansy Parkinson!
LUNA: (to the tune of 'Killer Queen') Slythie Queen! Dumbfounded, bitchy teen, a trollop with a fearful scream…
Everyone stares at Luna.
HERMIONE: Why are you singing?
LUNA: I was singing?
RON: I'll give Goyle lines! Watch my incredibly great impression of him!
Luna falls about in hysterical laughter.
RON: I haven't done it yet.
LUNA: You're so funny!
RON: OK… I'm confused…

To the tune of 'Lola' by the Kinks.
RON: I met her on the train out from old King's Cross
Where I needed somewhere to sit and munch on my tuna
T-U-N-A Tuna

She was sitting on a seat with a puzzled frown
At the magazine she held upside down, her name was Luna
L-U-N-A Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna

Well, I'm not the world's most intelligent guy,
But I thought she was mad when I looked in her eyes
Oh that Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why her wand's on her ear and not in her hand
Oh that Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.

Well, I said hello and her eyes were bright
Though popping out like in fright
I made a joke, she laughed outrageously
She said, "Ronny-boy, that's so funny…"

Well I'm not the world's most belligerent guy
But when I looked in her eyes
Well I almost swiped at that Luna
Lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.

Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.

I looked her way. Her hat had corks.
I felt like a dork. I turned to Hermione
I looked at her, and she at me.

HERMIONE: Well she looks mad, I do have to say
And the Quibbler's rubbish they all do say, don't they Luna.
Lu-lu-lu-lu Luna

RON: I'll be headboy and she'll be headgirl
It's sorted, shaped-up, normal world
Except for Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.

Well I left home just an hour before
And I never ever met the woman before
Luna smiled, looking pleased and glad
I thought, "Ronny-boy, she'll make your life mad."

Well I'm not the world's most brilliant brain
But I know what I am and I bet that I'm sane
Not like Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.

LUNA: My father's the editor of the Quibbler.
HERMIONE: Oh – I – er…
Enter Draco Malfoy.
DRACO: Ah, Potter! You feel such a loser – Ron is a prefect over you.
HARRY: Have you been spying on me?
DRACO: Me? Of course not. Why would you suggest I would do such a black thing? At Hogwarts I'll certainly dog your footsteps, and hound you out after every mistake but you can't be sirius about me wanted to spy on your nauseating private life.
Exit Draco Malfoy.
HARRY: Is it me, or is Malfoy hinting something?
RON: What? Come on Hermione, more prefect duty beckons…

Scene 3: Hogsmeade station.

GRUBBLY-PLANK: First years, this way!
HARRY: Where's Hagrid?
GINNY: Don't know.
They approach the horseless coaches. The ones that have weird reptilian horselike things on them.
HARRY: What are they?
RON: What?
HARRY: The horse things.
RON: What horse things?
HARRY: Those horse things!
RON: Where?
HARRY: There.
RON: Where?
HARRY: Can't you see them?
RON: Can't I see what?
To the tune of 'Wind beneath my wings' by Bette Midler.
HARRY: Look at those things there in the shadows
No pupils on that dragon face
Purest black coat with moonlight shines
Pulling us all along behind

To me they appear to be quite gory
They don't seem to have a trace of flesh
The skeletal creatures in a train
I think I might be going insane

Tell me that you can see these horses
They can't be things that only I see
They're really looking strange and eerie
These horses with black leather wings

LUNA: I can see them. I've always been able to.
HARRY: I'm not sure the answer I was hoping for.

Scene 4: The Great Hall.
Hordes of students pour in. The teachers are already seated. Our Gryffindor friends go to sit down.
HARRY: Hagrid's not here.
RON: He can't have left…
HERMIONE: But who's that?
The spotlight lands on Umbridge, who is whispering into Dumbledore's ear.
HARRY: Umbridge!
RON: How do you know her name?
HARRY: I don't know – the only time it was mentioned in Act Three, Dumbledore didn't say who he was talking about.
RON: Weird.
HARRY: Anyway, she works for Fudge.
HERMIONE: There must be a reason why she's here, allow me to use my brilliant brain…
Enter Professor McGonagall with the Sorting Hat. They are followed by the chorus of readers.
HERMIONE: And who are they?
RON: I don't know, but they've been following us around everywhere.
Professor Flitwick takes a seat by a handy grand piano. The first years shuffle in. A hush descends.
The Sorting Hat sings. Flitwick plays. The chorus of readers do some crazy dancing.
(To the tune of 'Losing my religion' by REM)
SORTING HAT: Oh times are changing
Changing this school
And I am not free
The ritual I must go through
Divisions must arise
The feuds are all too much
So break them up

Slytherin and Gryffindor
Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff
I'm choosing by tradition
Trying to keep uniting you
Yet I don't know if I can do it
The Founders asked too much
I stand with Hufflepuff

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Every first year
In every new September
I'm choosing your division
Taking a peek inside of you
Try to make peace in this school
The feuds are all too much
So break them up

Consider this, consider this
The danger of the Sorting
Consider this
The faults that brought us to duels prevailed
What if all our emnities make Hogwarts tumble down?
They are all too much

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Founders' broken dreams
Unity just dreams?

The sly and courageous
The clever and loyal ones
I'm choosing by tradition
Trying to keep uniting you
Yet I don't know if I can do it
The Founders asked too much
I stand with Hufflepuff

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Founders' broken dreams
Try, defy, try
Founders' broken dreams
Just a dream, just a dream

Applause.
RON: Branched out a bit this year, hasn't it?
HARRY: You're telling me – the dancers, the piano, the repeating refrains…
RON: Actually I meant the lyrics.
HARRY: Oh, right.
Enter Narrator. He/She starts shuffling first years out of the way.
NARRATOR: Come on, sit down – this bit's boring anyway. (Turning to the audience) So the Sorting was accomplished from Abercrombie, Euan to Zellar, Rose, and they all ate lots of food…
RON: Are we going to get any food?
NARRATOR: You just ate it – didn't you hear me say?
RON: I hate showbusiness.
NARRATOR: Would the pupils of Hogwarts heed the Sorting Hat's warnings? Or would the feuds continue? By and by, Dumbledore rose for further announcements.
DUMBLEDORE: The usual notices – all students are reminded that the Forbidden Forest is strictly out of bounds. Magic in corridors is still prohibited, as Mr. Filch would like to remind you. We are delighted to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures – also to welcome Professor Umbridge, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Tryouts for Quidditch teams…
Umbridge gets up.
UMBRIDGE: Hem, hem!
NARRATOR: Ugh – she sets my teeth on edge! Time to get out of here… (Narrator flees)
To the tune of 'Sympathy for the Devil' by the Rolling Stones.
UMBRIDGE: Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a woman who holds much sway
I've been working for the Ministry
And that's the reason I'm here today

And I'll be 'round when Dumbledore
Decides to make any change
Make damn sure that lessons
Are wandless reading I'll arrange

Pleased to meet you
Hope we'll all be friends
And what means I may use
Will be justified by my ends

I'll stick around inquiring here
And report anything that seems strange
Let's be loyal to the Minister
If not, it may cause you pain

I write the notes
And cast all the votes
When the liars cry
You'll hear me gloat

Pleased to meet you
Hope we'll all be friends
And what means I use
Will be justified by my ends

At this point, the Chorus of Readers start singing 'Hem hem' over and over again.

UMBRIDGE: I'll stop half-breeds
Their perverted greeds
Will drop our grades
This is my crusade

I'll single out
All those who tell lies
I'm watching out
That boy with green eyes

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a woman who holds much sway
I lay the traps for the problem boys
Who'll be caught without more delay

The rather energetic solo is punctuated by the whole school drifting to sleep.

UMBRIDGE: Pleased to meet you
Hope we'll all be friends
And what means I may use
Will be justified by my ends

Just as heroes are all criminals
So are all who don't agree
As boys tell lies
I'm the inquisitor
And you will obey my firm decree

So when I teach you
Show some courtesy
Show obedience and fear
Read the books I'm prescribing you
For there is no "danger" near

Pleased to meet you
Hope we'll all be friends
And what means I may use
Will be justified by my ends

Tell me Albus, what's my game?
Tell me Harry, what's my game?
Tell me Albus, what's my game?
I tell you liars, you're to blame.

DUMBLEDORE: Er – thank you, Professor Umbridge, that was most illuminating.
HERMIONE: Yes, it certainly was.
HARRY: Do you mean the way that she implied the Ministry will be interfering and meddling, she hates me and denies that Voldemort has returned?
HERMIONE: Harry, honestly, you're not supposed to quite realise that yet. Making insightful comments is my job. Actually I meant that the author implies that Umbridge is evil by having her sing for the Devil, as it were. Oh, and Umbridge appears to be a Rolling Stones fan.
RON: Who are the…
HERMIONE: Don't even think about it. Well, we should get back to the Gryffindor tower… First years! Over here!
The first years head towards the trio.
HARRY: Hello!
BOY NEXT TO EUAN ABERCROMBIE: Look, a weirdo!
EUAN ABERCROMBIE: Aaaah!
HARRY: O woe is me.
Exeunt all stage left, except for two standing stage right.
J.K. ROWLING: So why did you decide to make Hermione the resident classic rock expert in your musical?
AUTHOR: Well, since you made her an encyclopedia of spells, and Steve Kloves elevated her to the position of absolute source of knowledge on every single magical topic in existence, I thought she might as well become the resident music expert…

Scene 5: By the Fat Lady.

Harry is alone.
HARRY: What's the password?
Enter Neville.
NEVILLE: I know! Mimbulus Mimbletonia!
Enter Ginny and Luna.
GINNY & LUNA: Da doo!
HARRY: Luna, you're in Ravenclaw.
LUNA: I was just passing through.
FAT LADY: Are you coming in, or what?
HARRY: Sorry.

Scene 6: The boys' dormitory.

Seamus is dancing around, singing to the tune of 'Mama told me not to come' by Randy Newman, or possibly Tom Jones, which was recorded by Three Dog Night and could have been done by Stereophonics and probably a whole ton of other people.
SEAMUS: She's got a beehive in her bonnet – Prophet told her, see
Bout all these crazy stories you're telling me
They say they're the most truthless things could ever be
She says you and Dumbledore speak lunacy

My mam told me to stay home
My mam told me to stay home
She said, "That's not a school you can trust, son."

HARRY: Fire up your brain cell, let some thought into that skull
I think you must be joking, your mum's surely not that dull
And your speeches are provoking, but your ears must be deaf
Fire up your brain cell, give your brain some breath

Your mam must be really dumb
Your mam must be really dumb
She says "That Dumbledore you can't trust, son,
That Dumbledore you can't trust, son."

They fight until Ron comes in.

RON: Some argument is blasting, what are you lot fighting for?
SEAMUS: He's getting at my mother, he said some things I can't ignore
HARRY: She says I'm a liar, never been so shocked before
RON: Detention is coming if you say any more

Harry and Seamus respond by singing their respective choruses loudly over each other.

RON: Oh well.
He starts to sing very loudly.
RON: The fun'll come out, the next act
Bet you your last Sickle it's the best act
So far…

Harry and Seamus stop singing. They both punch Ron, who shuts up.

SEAMUS: Nice one!
HARRY: You're telling me…

End of Act Four.