Order of the Phoenix - The Musical

ACT TWO

Scene 1: Outside Number 12, Grimmauld Place.

HARRY: What’s the Order of the…
REMUS: Ssssh! Now read this…
HARRY: The Order of the Phoenix is located…
MOODY: Silently!
HARRY: Oh, sorry. They take off their skeleton costumes. Magically, a house appears in front of them. The door opens to reveal a place that looks like it was designed by a Goth who’d won the lottery. HARRY: If I didn’t know better, I’d think the author had cracked and put us in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
(Enter author)
AUTHOR: Oooh, Time Warp parody! Great idea!
(Exit author)
HARRY: Who the Hell was that?
REMUS: Harry, why so hostile?
(Enter J.K. Rowling)
J. K. ROWLING: He’s turning into a moody teenager.
(Exit J.K. Rowling)
MOODY: Hey, don’t take my name in vain.
TONKS: I think I just saw God…
(Enter J.K. Rowling)
J. K. ROWLING: Oh great, make the fundies hate me even more, why don’t you…
(Exit J.K. Rowling) They go into the house. Some very cheerful looking people run through. MOLLY: Hi Harry, nice to see you, have you been eating properly, dinner soon, must dash, follow me, fellow Order members… (She runs out, the others start to follow)
RANDOM ORDER MEMBERS: Hello there – to the meeting, jolly good fun. (Exeunt R.O.Ms)
HARRY: Oh, er – right.
Enter Ron and Hermione.
HERMIONE: Harry! Let’s have a group hug!
RON: And do some manly bonding!
HARRY: Great… Er, why didn’t you send me any news?
Ron and Hermione look uncomfortable.
RON AND HERMIONE: (in unison) Dumbledore made us swear…
HARRY: Oh, right.
He silently fumes.
HERMIONE: (tentatively) How are you?
RON: We don’t know very much, honestly.
HERMIONE: And Dumbledore knows what’s best.
RON: And he did have members of the Order of the Phoenix – Anti-Voldemort league type thing – trailing you.
HARRY: Oh fantastic, I’m being treated like a small child.
HERMIONE: I suppose you’re mad.
HARRY: I’m mad.
RON: How mad?
HERMIONE: (nervously) Not Sex Pistols mad?
RON: Please tell me you’re not Alanis Morrisette mad. (To the tune of ‘Get Over It’ by the Eagles)
HARRY: I wander around, and what do I see?
A load of Dementors coming straight for me
I’m getting no response from everybody else
Not getting news that you’re keeping to yourselves
Dumbledore this, Dumbledore that
Being pursued by Mrs. Figg’s cat!

I’m tired of it!
I’m tired of it!
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit
I’m tired of it, I’m tired of it!

You know I fought through a great maze and faced Voldemort alone
And I went and saved the Philosopher’s Stone
The more I think about it, I’ve saved both your skins
I thought you were loyal, but Dumbledore wins
You’re all having fun, you never sent me an owl
But Dumbledore could have told me somehow!

I’m tired of it!
I’m tired of it!
All this leaving me out, I don’t like it a bit!
I’m tired of it, I’m tired of it!

All I hear are lame excuses every time I hear you speak
Hedwig had enough of your ‘Order’ clique
Over your hands, marks of her beak

You know nothing much but more than me
You’re telling me none, our headmaster’s decree
Followed without knowing, and then left in the dark
Got suspended from school saving Dudley in the park
You’re cosy living here, I had to wait and stew
I got rescued in the end but that’s no thanks to you

I’m tired of it!
I’m tired of it!
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit
I’m tired of it, I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of it!
I’m tired of it!
If you lot don’t want me, then why don’t I quit?
I’m tired of it, I’m tired of it!

HERMIONE: Well thank goodness for that, the Eagles are pretty good.
RON: Who are the Eagles?
HERMIONE: It would have been funnier if you’d asked ‘Who are the Beatles?’
RON: Who?
HERMIONE: The moment’s passed now.
MRS. BLACK: Mudbloods! Half-breeds! Monkey excrement!
HARRY: Er…
HERMIONE: Great, someone’s woken her up.
HARRY: Who?
HERMIONE:The portrait… (To the tune of ‘Beautiful Neighbourhood’ by Space)
HARRY: Who lives in a house like this?
Who lives in a house like this?

Holding up the candles are silver snakes
Sneak through the hall before the portrait awakes
For that painting on the wall has gone truly insane
Always has to shout to keep the Mudbloods out

RON & HERMIONE: The Order’s found the place
They want to stay awhile
In the Most Ancient House of Black

(Enter Kreacher)
KREACHER: There’s a tapestry with all the family on
Most of them are dead and some of them gone
Some didn’t follow the family trade
So Mrs. Black went crazy, blew their image away

RON & HERMIONE: The Order’s found the place
They want to stay awhile
In the Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black

HARRY: Who lives in a house like this?
Who lives in a houre like this?

RON: There’s a mad House Elf who’s skilled in stealth
He should be put down for the good of his health
He’s happiest under his mistress’s wrath
If he’s lucky he’ll get his head chopped off

HERMIONE: Ron!

RON: The Order’s found the place
They want to stay awhile
In the Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black

(Enter Sirius)
SIRIUS: We want to strip it down
And get the Doxies out
But we will all be hindered
While that House Elf’s about

KREACHER: In the Ancient House of Black
You’re not welcome at all
Please leave your corpse
Neatly stacked in the Hall

ALL: The Order’s found the place
They want to stay awhile
In the Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black
(The Noble and the Ancient)
Most Ancient House of Black

(Exeunt Ron and Hermione and Kreacher)

SIRIUS: Hello Harry.
HARRY: Sirius!
NARRATOR: Harry was to learn that this was Sirius’s house, which had belonged to his mad mother, who is, incidentally, the woman in the portrait. Sirius’s family are all mad dark wizards and his brother was a Death Eater. He’s also related to the Malfoys, the Lestranges, and Tonks.
SIRIUS: Do you mind?
NARRATOR: The readers probably gave up hope on clever dialogue ages ago.
Fred and George Apparate in.
FRED & GEORGE: Wahey! Where were we when you were off getting introductions to the house?
FRED: Having fun thinking up cool products, nudge nudge wink wink.
GEORGE: Is it time for our random Coolio parody?
FRED: Sounds good to me...
HARRY: Does this have any relevance to the plot whatsoever?
GEORGE: No, but since the author wrote it about us, it's going in anyway.

(To 'Gangsta's Paradise' by Coolio)

As I walk through Hogwarts in the shadow of Snape
I take a look around and realise there's no escape
Cause we've pranking and laughing so long that
Even our mother thinks that our grades are gone
But we would never prank a teacher who didn't deserve it
(Miss a chance to cause chaos? You know that's unheard of)
You better watch how you're talking and where you're walking
Or you might become a victim to the exploding chalk
I wouldn't be proud but I gotta boast
'Cept for Peeves the ghost we prank all the teachers the most… fool
We're the kind of Gryffs that little first years want to be like
Creeping around at night, making pranks in the moonlight

They been spending most their lives living in the prankster's paradise
We keep spending most our lives living in the prankster's paradise

Look at the detention they dared to mention
We can't use our magic now, gotta scrub things by hand
So we gotta make revenge in the staff room
Too much dungeon cleaning got us pranking too
We're educated wizards with mischief on our minds
Got fireworks in our hands and a gleam in our eyes
We're underworked pranksters who set off a banger
In a Potions lesson, and so we aroused Snape's anger… fool
Detention ain't nothing but a heartbeat away
We're relieving boredom, what can I say
We're 17 now but will we live to see 18
When our detention record's obscene

Tell me why are we so blind to see
Why our behaviour offends Snapie?

He's been spending most his life living in the prankster's paradise
We keep spending most our lives living in the prankster's paradise

The power and the fame, the fame and the power
Why are we in detention hour after hour?
Everybody's running, but half of them ain't looking
'Cause in the Hogwarts kitchen, they know stink bombs are cooking
They say we've got to learn but they're all to scared to teach us
If they can't leave their rooms, how can they reach us
I guess they can't
I guess they won't
I guess they try
That's how we know that it's pranking time… fool

They been spending most their lives living in the prankster's paradise
We keep spending most our lives living in the prankster's paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see
Why our behaviour offends Snapie?
Tell me why are we so blind to see
Why our behaviour offends Snapie?

HARRY: You passed your Apparation tests, didn’t you?
AUTHOR: Noooooooooooooooo! Apparation is not a word! Look it up in a bloody dictionary!!! The word is Apparition, dammit! (The author collapses into sobs)
MOLLY: Dinner, everyone! Mundungus, put that horrible thing out. Bill, stop acting cool. Arthur, you can play with your Hornby train set later. Hermione, no reading at the table. Ginny, practice your karate after dinner. Remus, comb your face. Sirius, don’t stand there looking black. Fred, George, walk to the table, don’t Apparate. It’s not like your brothers did it, not even that little snit I’m not going to mention. Ron, tuck your shirt in. Tonks, don’t pull that face at me. Harry, get here and eat, you look starved!
Enter Trelawney.
TRELAWNEY: Remember! Remember my prediction in Harry’s third year! The first one to rise from a table of thirteen will be the first to die…
Enter Trelawney’s chorus of mystics.
TRELAWNEY: I always wanted my own group of backing singers. Of course, I’ll hopefully appear with my own Kate Bush number later, but here goes. (To the tune of ‘Don’t fear the Reaper’ by the Blue Oyster Cult, which was covered by the Goo Goo Dolls apparently)
TRELAWNEY & CHORUS: Time for dinner now…
Everyone sits down.
TRELAWNEY & CHORUS: Take a look around
Seating thirteen at dinner
The first of them to rise will die
Watch out for this omen…

Watch out readers (thirteen at dinner)
Take a look and see (thirteen at dinner)
Someone's going to die (thirteen at dinner)
Who will it be?
La la la la la, la la la la la.

First to rise will die
No point trying to hide
Could a Weasley be the first?
Lupin or Hermione (Could a Weasley be the first?)
Sirius Black and Mundungus (or will that young Tonks be the first)
Ginny or Ron or Bill - could be (who will rise the first?)
Or twins Fred and George, will they be (watch out for this omen)

Watch out readers (thirteen at dinner)
Take a look and see (thirteen at dinner)
Someone's going to die (thirteen at dinner)
Who will it be?
La la la la la, la la la la la.

During the instrumental the characters around the table talk.
MUNDUNGUS: Have some toads, fell off the back of a Portkey…
Fred and George snigger.
MOLLY: More! Eat more! I must have you all fat so I can ea- er, so you’re healthy!
SIRIUS: So why haven’t you asked about Voldemort?
UMBRIDGE: Detention!
SIRIUS: Er… not your scene yet.
UMBRIDGE: Sorry…
HARRY: I have asked. I asked Ron and Hermione…
MOLLY: But he isn’t to know anything.
SIRIUS: Harry has a right to know what’s been going on.
GEORGE: What about us? We want to know too!
RON & HERMIONE: And us!
GINNY: And me!
FRED: We’ve been demanding to know things but you say it’s because we’re not in the Order!
MOLLY: No one’s to know anything!
REMUS: Harry should at least have a general picture of the facts.
MOLLY: I have Harry’s best interests at heart.
SIRIUS: Harry isn’t your son.
MOLLY: He’s as good as. Who else has he got?
SIRIUS: Me?
MOLLY: The Azkaban jailbird?
SIRIUS: (angrily) Well if that’s what you think…
He starts to rise. Readers gasp. Freeze scene.

TRELAWNEY: He that rises dies
No point trying to hide
They were having arguments
And it was clear that he had to stand up
Then the meal was over and the future clear
It was clear Sirius’s death was near
Mourn all you who hold him dear (don’t doubt my words)
Watch out readers (his death is near)
He has risen now (readers, say goodbye)
So look to him and say goodbye (watch out for this omen)
He rose from his chair (watch out for this omen)
Watch out readers – thirteen at dinner…

REMUS: Sit down Sirius. (He does)
Sighs of relief all round.
READER: Well, considering there were thirteen at Harry’s table in Goblet of Fire, and Cedric didn’t rise first, I think we can safely ignore this one.
OTHER READERS: Great idea.
MOLLY: All right, everyone who’s not in the Order and not called Harry Potter, get out.
FRED & GEORGE: We’re of age!
MOLLY: Are you? I thought you were only seventeen.
FRED: Don’t ask me – it’s what it says in the script.
MOLLY: All right, you can stay, but only because J.K. Rowling said so.
RON: There you go, bringing God into it again.
(Enter JKR)
JKR: Stop making the Fundies hate me!
(Exit JKR)
RON: Hermione and I have to stay, since Harry will tell us everything anyway!
GINNY: Great, pick on the little girl.
(Exit Ginny, raging and storming)
NARRATOR: The members of the Order told Harry a lot, such as Dumbledore being discredited and Voldemort not having done anything at all. The amount of new information they conveyed was quite disappointing. Damn grown-ups.

Scene 2: Outside the Ministry of Magic. HARRY: Dumbledore came last night and didn’t want to talk to me. Woe is me.
ARTHUR: Your hearing’s with Amelia Bones. She’s nice.
HARRY: Where’s the Ministry of Magic, then?
ARTHUR: In the telephone box.
HARRY: Who do you think I am, Doctor Who?
ARTHUR: Ah, Doctor Who, fantastic Muggle series… Sylvester McCoy was my favourite… The Curse of Fenric was wonderful… Blah blah blah Tardis, blah blah blah green stuff, blah blah daleks, blah blah blah…
HARRY: Why did I mention it?

(To the tune of ‘Hotel California’ by the Eagles… yes, more Eagles. I love them.)
ARTHUR: In an old London phonebox, a dirty old street
Pick up the receiver, will you please be discreet?
I will dial up the number, six two four four two
That spells ‘magic’ as I hoped you’d guess – now we’ll hear what to do

HARRY: As if she’s standing beside us, I hear a woman’s words
And now I’m thinking to myself; we can hear her but can we be heard?
We give our name and business and she tells us the way
I feel like I’m heading to my doom, but I heard her say…

FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Please state your name, and why you came
Submit to a search at the Ministry of Magic
Please enjoy your stay, have a pleasant day

HARRY: Now we’re in a great hallway, I got a butterfly tum
There are statues made of polished gold in this atrium
How they stand looking noble, bright water jets
Coins go to St. Mungo’s, I must not forget

So security checked me, “Please show us your wand”
I said, “Had it since my eleventh year, I feel we have a bond.”
And still that voice is sounding that wracks my brain
Get in a lift to see Madam Bones, and ‘she’s’ there again…

FEMALE VOICE: Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Please select the floor that you came here for
For your business here at the Ministry of Magic
Go to Level Two, where they wait for you

HARRY: Windows showing sunlight, Aurors gathered round
ARTHUR: Let’s go to my office now before we’re Hearing-bound
PERKINS: Go to the tenth courtroom, they changed Potter’s trial
ARTHUR: Hurry now we must get there soon and the trip takes awhile

HARRY: Now it’s time for my hearing, I am going to my doom
I wish I knew the verdict due from this old courtroom
“Good luck Harry,” he says, “Wish I could do more.”
But I’m not feeling all too good as I walk through the door…

Harry walks into the courtroom.

End of Act Two.