Order of the Phoenix - The Musical

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The Musical

OVERTURE

Chorus of Readers enter. They sing 'Carried away with a teenage wizard' to the tune of Mike Oldfield's 'Moonlight Shadow'.
READERS: The kids are stuck in to their reading
Carried away with a teenage wizard
'More Harry Potter' they are pleading
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Lost in a book on a Saturday night
Far away into Volume 5
They were still there reading by the morning's first light
And we couldn't find how to push through

The fans all gathered in the evening
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Without HP5 they were not leaving
Carried away with a teenage wizard
All we saw were the hordes and the queues
Far away for a mile or five
JK's new book had hit all the news
And we couldn't find how to push through

I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's new book to read
I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's book to read

Four a.m. in the morning
Carried away with a teenage wizard
I read this book to the day's dawning
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Kids all waiting for the 21st
Far away into Volume 5
For Harry now they quench their thirst
And we couldn't find how to push through

I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's new book to read
I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's book to read

Far away into Volume 5

Caught in the middle of the rush for book 5
The shop was heaving and the shelves were alive
But we couldn't find how to push through

Carried away by a teenage wizard
Carried away by a teenage wizard
Far away into Volume 5
And we couldn't find how to push though...

They trail off. Enter Narrator.

NARRATOR: On the twenty-first day of the month of June, in a year of a decade not too long before our own, Harry Potter suddenly encountered a deadly threat to his very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced - as such enemies often do - in a graveyard. Yes indeed, this enemy was rather pathetically unimaginative.

Enter three of the chorus of Readers.

READER: Hey, what if they've never read any Harry Potter before? Why are we doing a Musical of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?

NARRATOR: Because filks of the other books have been done to death, so you'll just have to do the story so far.

The readers sing the story so far to the tune of 'It's a Jolly Holiday with Mary' from 'Mary Poppins.'

READERS: Ain't Harry Potter so grand?
Best wizard in the land
And you should see him fly
Have you ever seen his eyes so green?
But we'll watch them cry, for...

It's a crappy holiday for Harry
Harry's feeling really down
Under all the burdens he must carry
Harry has to wear a frown
Misery is evident around him
He hasn't even got his Mum and Dad!
He's back at Privet Drive, though still alive
Only letters with no news arrive
Oh it's a crappy holiday for Harry,
No wonder that poor Harry's feeling mad!

Now then, Harry is sad
Really quite hopping mad
The reason you will see
Ignored by everyone
It can't be fun
It's complete misery...

NARRATOR: Honestly, this is just a song about Harry moping, you've not included any of the back history at all.
READERS: It's sort of hard to do that in one song you know.
NARRATOR: It's all we've got, so you'd better be quick about it.
READERS: Right you are - it's true that...

A Dick van Dyke moment! To the 'tune' of the spoken verse.

... Harry beat Voldemort, went to Hogwarts
Was dismal in potions and so good at sports
Ron is his best pal, so is Hermione
But his oafish cousin could not be called Tiny
Malfoy is mean and Snape has a sneer
Professor Trelawney is not Germaine Greer
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Should all be found worthy to have their own songs
Ginny is bashful, and Cedric is dead
And Dobby the House Elf turns up on his bed
Now Voldemort's back, soon to attack
And Harry wants to hear from Sirius Black

But now he's back at Privet Drive, though still alive
Only letters with no news arrive
Oh it's a crappy holiday for Harry,
No wonder that poor Harry's feeling mad!

ACT ONE

Scene 1: Harry is lying in the garden, looking up wistfully to the sky. He starts to sing.

HARRY: Whe-e-e-e-ere is love? Does it fall from skiiiies a-
Dudley appears suddenly and punches him with a begloved hand.
HARRY: Hey! You're not even meant to be in this scene!
DUDLEY: I'm saving the audience from this song. Look, I have a scene next, and frankly it's much better.
HARRY: Dudley, the show has only just begun, it's a little soon for romantic irony.
DUDLEY: Huh?
HARRY: You know, all that 'it's only a play' stuff.
DUDLEY: Can we just skip to my scene now?
HARRY: Sure, why not? I love to hear you scream like a girl.

Enter Dementors. Spooky background music. Chorus of readers start clicking. (To the tune of the Addams Family)

READERS: They make you feel so crappy
They suck out all your happy
You wish you had a nappy[1]
When Dementors are nearby

Dudley looks freaked, Harry pulls out his wand.

READERS: Perhaps you should not grab it
You'll do illegal magic
It really is so tragic
When Dementors are nearby...

HARRY: Take this, Dementor scum! Expecto Patronum!

There is a puff of smoke. The Dementors vanish, and when the smoke clears, we see an old lady holding a stuffed cat.

MRS. FIGG: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble...
HARRY: Mrs. Figg! You're a witch!
MRS. FIGG: No dear, that's a quote from Macbeth. I'm not a witch, Sirius Black's ex-girlfriend, an Auror, a much younger woman in disguise or your future Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I'm actually a Squib you know, much to the disappointment of hordes of fanfiction writers. I'm going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!
HARRY: I've heard that name.
MRS. FIGG: Yes, yer daft apeth, and so we can get this canon point that hordes of readers worked out years ago out of the way, you might notice that I'm Arabella Figg. Dumbledore mentioned me. Still, never been quick on the uptake, have we?
HARRY: Er...
MRS. FIGG: There, you see? For heaven's sake boy, the chorus of readers have been calling me Arabella for the last three years. Now, let's get you home...

Scene 2: The Dursleys'. A Ministry Owl has entered.

(To the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
HARRY: Voldemort's come back
It is no fantasy
Now there's dementors
Swooping round the vicinity
VERNON: What do you mean? Valumart who?
HARRY: You see...
MINISTRY OWL: Harry's a bad boy, give him no sympathy
Because he cast a spell, naughty boy
That wand of yours, not a toy
Any kind of magic
Is strictly forbidden
To you, to you.
PETUNIA: Dudley, what's up with you?
You look dazed in the head
Was it something you were fed?
DUDLEY: Mama, it was my cousin
He pulled his sparkly stick out at me
Mama, oooh, heard voices in my brain
Felt like I'd be sad always forever
HARRY: Dementors, dementors, it was not my doing.
VERNON: You boy, what have you done?
You have bewitched my son, you must see it come undone
PETUNIA: Vernon, Dementors here!
That awful boy had spoke about them once.
DUDLEY: Mama, oooh, I don't want to die!
PETUNIA: Those awful things have hurt my poor Duddy!
More owls swoop in during the guitar solo, until it begins to resemble Hitchcock's 'The Birds'.
MINISTRY OWL: You are expelled for an illegal spell
ARTHUR'S OWL: Harry boy, Harry boy, don't surrender your wand up
Do not do more magic, do not leave your aunt's house please!
Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore will sort it out
HARRY: Sort it how?
You think I'm a bad boy, done something naughty
SIRIUS'S OWL: You're in trouble now, stay with your family
VERNON: No more owls, it's a monstrosity!
Easy come, easy go, you will have to go
MINISTRY OWL: A hearing!
HARRY: No! I refuse to go!
VERNON: You will go!
MINISTRY OWL: A hearing!
HARRY: No! I refuse to go!
VERNON: You will go!
MINISTRY OWL: A hearing!
HARRY: No! I refuse to go!
VERNON: You will go!
HARRY: I refuse to go
VERNON: You will go!
HARRY: I refuse to go
VERNON: You will go!
HARRY: I won't go, I won't go!
VERNON: No no no no no no no! You're a weirdo, you're a weirdo, you're a weirdo, you will go.
PETUNIA: A Howler's come, and it looks like it's addressed to me, to me, to meeee!
(During the next guitar solo, Vernon attempts to shove Harry out of the door and Petunia stared bewilderedly at the letter.)
VERNON: So you think you can come here, endanger our lives?
So you think you're no trouble to my son and my wife?
HOWLER: No, Petunia! Remember my last, Petunia!
HARRY: What's all this mean, letters to my Muggle aunt?
(Another guitar solo!)
PETUNIA: Harry has to stay
VERNON: What do you mean, dear?
PETUNIA: Harry has to stay, Harry has to stay right here...
HARRY: Any explanations?
The Dursleys march off determinedly. The scene goes dark and Harry looks a tad depressed.

Scene 3: Harry's bedroom. There is a knock on the door.

VERNON: We're off to be poncey and middle-class. Don't touch anything. We don't want your wizard germs going places and turning us into weirdoes like you.
HARRY: Charming.
There are stomping noises to indicate that he has left.

Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, Nymphadora "Don't call me Nymphadora" Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore and Hestia Jones enter on the darkened stage right. Suddenly the lights come up and reveal them to be wearing cheesy sixties gear. Inevitably (this is a musical, after all!) they start to sing.
(To the tune of the Monkees TV theme)
ALL: Here we come sneakin'
In the house
We must try to be quiet
Not to wake a mouse

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!
We frighten all Death Eaters around!
We get happy jinxing
And kicking Dark Magic down...

We go in stealth where we want to
Do what we like to do
With our constant vigilatin'
There's always something new

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!
We frighten all Death Eaters around!
We get happy jinxing
And kicking Dark Magic down...

We're just tryin' to be careful
Come and watch us curse our foes
We hate all Death Eaters
As everybody knows

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!
We frighten all Death Eaters around!
We get happy jinxing
And kicking Dark Magic down...

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!
You never know where we'll be found
So you'd better get ready
We may be comin' to your town

HARRY: What's that? Cheesy sixties music in the living room? Burglars!
Remus slams open the door to his room.
HARRY: Aren't you a little short for a burglar?
REMUS: I'm Remus Lupin. I've come to rescue you.
MOODY: Enough references to Scar Warts! There is work to be done. Introduce Harry to the gang so we can get the sniggering over Tonks's name done with, and then... to Grimmauld Place!
(To the tune of 'We gotta get out of this place' by the Animals.)
In this quiet old part of the suburbs
Where they don't say magic's name
Aurors say there ain't no use explaining

Now my boy, you're young and lively
But I now must caution you
You'll be dead if you aren't careful too

If we die you keep a-flying
You must live another day
The rear guard are waiting to fly away
Oh yes, I know it.

(Yeah!) The rear guard are waiting
(Yeah!) We'll be flying too, Harry
(Yeah!) Let us fly away
(Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah!)

We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
The Order of the Phoenix is waiting for you

They mount brooms as the song repeats, the scene goes dark and they all have Disillusionment charms, which makes them all disappear and turn into blacklight skeletons.
HARRY: Um, this charm is very impressive, but won't they notice a lot of luminous skeletons in the sky?
REMUS: It's all right, they need blacklights to see it.
TONKS: By the way, the name's Nymphadora Tonks, don't call me Nymphadora or I'll decapitate you, and I can do funky shape-shifting things like Mystique in X-men.
MOODY: We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
The Order of the Phoenix is waiting for you

They fly away at last.

End of Act One