The Panda Who Ate Students

The Panda Who Ate Students

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Chapter 2:

Do Not Be Frightened, There's No Need to Fight

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The panda glanced warily around himself. The DADA Professor's quarters were much like their owner - a bit shabby, but comfortable. From an open door he saw what seemed to be a bedroom with a huge four-post bed. 'Well, at least I now know where Black spends his time every time he visits Hogwarts,' Severus thought to himself, then shook the thought away as quickly as it had come. For all he knew, Remus and Black weren't bedding each other - which of course didn't prove that they didn't, but most probably it was just a rumour. Just as well as rumours told that Severus himself was bedding Black, or - he shivered at the mere thought - Remus. Okay, so he stood the werewolf better than the Animagus, but still, he was a werewolf. He'd almost killed Severus once!

...So, he hadn't done it in his right mind, nor had he been aware of the prank, but so? It could happen again! It was bad enough that he had to stand the werewolf's presence every single day, the thought of actually sleeping with him... Severus shuddered in fear. Never, ever would that happen.

"At first, we should get you something to eat," said the werewolf cheerfully. "I'm afraid I don't have anything made of bamboo here, but I'll try to do something about that." Pointing his wand at a nearby chair, he muttered a silent charm. In an instant, the oak chair had turned into a bamboo one.

Severus eyed the chair suspiciously. Was he really supposed to eat that? He didn't want to eat wood! No matter if he was a panda, he would never touch wood! At least that much dignity he did have!

...No matter if the wood smelled... tempting...

After a couple of moments, he gave up. He was a panda now, after all. It'd be suspicious if he didn't eat panda food.

...At least that was what he kept telling himself while eating the chair.

Remus sat calmly down on a seat, watching the panda eat. After some time, he decided to break the silence. "And now, Severus," he said seriously, "I think we need to settle some things."

The panda startled, then attempted to eat as if nothing had shocked him, hoping that the werewolf would give up. Remus's eyes hadn't missed his reaction, however.

"Yes, I do know it's you, Severus," he said. "Honestly, I am really tired, but I'm not that slow. If you disappear and a panda is found at the place of crime, especially here in Hogwarts, it should be obvious to anyone that the panda is in essence you."

Now, knowing that his act wasn't bought, Severus glared at the DADA professor and let out a deep growl. "Oh, that doesn't work," chuckled the werewolf. "Don't worry, though. I won't tell anyone - under one condition."

Severus nodded his big head seriously. He'd never live it down if somebody - especially a student, or, even worse, Dumbledore - found out what the panda really was. He cocked his head to one side, indicating that he was ready to listen to the werewolf's demands.

Remus smirked slightly. "You see, I have a really odd affection," he said. "A fetish, Sirius called it back then. Whenever there's something soft and cute around, I just have to go and snuggle up next to it."

A horrifying realization started to dawn to Severus's mind. Starting to slowly back away from the werewolf, he never let his eyes leave the golden orbs. He would be ready, no matter what happened.

And then, well, it happened. Remus threw himself forward, and no matter what Severus tried, the panda was too big, heavy, and clumsy to get away fast enough. In no time he had the affectionate werewolf's arms around his neck with a grip that would have choked him, had he been in his original form.

"Aww, don't be such a sissy," chuckled Remus. "I just want to cuddle you. Stay still, it won't hurt you to have some affection once in your life!"

However, Severus did not listen. He merely attempted to flee, get away from the werewolf's grip, but the iron arms were not letting him go. At last he let out a resigned sigh, sat down on his enormous bum, and let the DADA Professor have his wicked way with him.

At last, Remus got seemingly enough of petting and nuzzling and cuddling. "We need to find you a suitable name, unless you want me to call you Severus," he mused aloud. "What about Killer?"

Severus growled as threateningly as he only could. Did the werewolf purposefully want to get him executed by panicked students?

...Then again, maybe he did.

"Okay, so not Killer," said the werewolf, his cheerfulness never faltering. "How'd you like Fluffy?"

The panda snorted disbelievingly. Remus couldn't be serious!

"Hey, think about it," coaxed the man. He seemed to really enjoy the situation. "If you have a cute name, then the students maybe don't think you're so dangerous. And the cuter name you have, the less they think that you even might be - well, you."

Even while there was some kind of twisted logic in the werewolf's words, Severus still couldn't accept it. He shook his head, not wanting to agree to the ridiculous name.

Just then, a high-pitched giggle rose from somewhere behind them. Clumsily turning around, Severus saw a painting on the wall. There was a tiny boy in the picture, giggling and pointing at Severus. "Helepant!" he giggled. "Helepant!"

"No, little one, not an elephant," said the woman sitting next to the child. "It's a panda."

"Danpa! Danpa! Danpa!" echoed the child. "Cute danpa!"

"From the mouths of babes and sucklings," chuckled Remus. "Thank you, Mother and Mini-Me. Well, Severus," he then said, turning towards the panda, "Would you like to be Helepant or Danpa?"

The man couldn't be serious!

"Maybe Danpa would be more fitting," mused the werewolf aloud. "I personally like Helepant more, however..."

At this point, Severus groaned again and covered his ears with his huge paws.

"So, Danpa it is, then," said the werewolf with a wicked grin. "You may sleep on the foot of my bed, if you want," he said then cheerily. At the panda's disbelieving gaze, he continued, "The bed's certainly large enough, and it could bear the weight of three of your kind. And, most importantly, it's certainly more comfortable than the floor. As long as you don't roll on top of me, it's just fine."

For a moment Severus played with the thought of doing just that, getting much twisted amusement out of this little fantasy. Then he decided, however, that the momentary satisfaction he'd get from flattening Remus wouldn't be worth facing Dumbledore's wrath the next morning. Besides, the DADA Professor was the only one who could possibly help him return to his original form, as impossible as it seemed to be at the moment.

With a deep, resigned panda-sigh, the panda nodded his head. Then he started to walk after the werewolf, who was all too cheerful for his own good. Honestly, who could be whistling at this time of the night?

After a couple of seconds Severus realized what was the song that Remus was whistling, and groaned aloud in silent horror. Remus was whistling the panda song.

Sending the last furious glance at the still wickedly grinning werewolf, he climbed on top of the bed, rolled onto his side, and fell asleep.