The Panda Who Ate Students

The Panda Who Ate Students

*

Chapter 1:

If You Hear a Sound in the Middle of the Night

*

Severus Snape swept silently through the empty halls of Hogwarts. It was late night already, well past curfew, so no students were around. This, of course, suited Severus perfectly.

He held a large vial in each hand, taking sure to keep them away from each other. Both were medicines for Madame Pomfrey, but nobody could tell what happened if they got in touch.

Severus suppressed a shiver as he remembered the last time some of his most incompetent students had mixed two potions without any idea of their effects. The results had been disastrous. It was bad enough to have to teach a class full of Gryffindors and Slytherins, as he had to all the time keep them away from killing themselves or each other. That was bad, but it was insufferable to have a class full of Gryffindors and Slytherins, who were all smiling broadly and singing in a chorus, "I'm a little ray of sunshine, doppy-doppy-dipi-doo!" He didn't care if it was the greatest hit nowadays, it was still a horrible song!

And it was incorrect, at any rate. "I don't have an owl, my panda ate him," truly. These brats were stupid enough as it was, there was no reason to make them believe that pandas ate meat. Pandas were herbivores, for Merlin's sake! They ate bamboo, not owls or toads or whatever the impossible panda in the song ate!

...And besides, Kappas were Japanese. Not that he'd ever admitted that in front of any of his students, having been mistaken in this once in Potter-the-Golden-Boy-Who-Lived's lesson.

As if that wasn't bad enough, he'd heard Albus talking with Professor Sprout about replacing the old school song with this "hit". As if the present one wasn't bad enough!

Lupin was the worst. Thanks to him, even the staff room was always echoing the horrid song. And if Severus dared to complain, the other teachers just told him to relax a bit and not take things so seriously. Relax! They told him to relax! He'd like to see them spying on Voldemort, posing as a Death Eater, and then relax!

Especially impossible it was for him to relax whenever that horrible song was heard anywhere.

He was fuming so much that he didn't notice Mrs. Norris creeping in the nearby corridor.

*

Mrs. Norris meowed and stretched herself. Then she nailed her eyes at the mouse that had somehow managed to avoid all the numerous cats in the enormous castle. Well, today wasn't the mouse's lucky day.

The cat jumped towards the mouse, who squeaked and turned around to run away. This, of course, just encouraged her more - like every cat, she was always ready for a good chase.

However, she did not pay attention to the professor that was walking down the corridor. Therefore, she just simply ran right in front of him. She did notice him, however, as he tripped over her, falling down.

Being a cat, she was able to avoid the small explosion that came from the connection of the two potions as the bottles broke on the stone floor. Unfortunately to Severus, he was not a cat.

A moment later, the Potions Master shook his head in an attempt to clear it. Nothing hurt, but he felt oddly... heavy. Heavy, and way too big.

*

Dumbledore was on his usual night walk around the castle. He was kind of hoping to meet Severus - the young man hadn't answered in his fireplace, so he wasn't in his quarters. Or just didn't care. Either way, Dumbledore was sure that he was in need of a fatherly advice and a couple of lemon drops.

The Headmaster chuckled slightly. Severus was always in need of a couple of lemon drops, no matter how much he tried to deny that.

Suddenly, an odd sound caught his attention. It came from the corridor along which was Remus's office. Curiously, the Headmaster peered into the corridor. Maybe Remus was on a night round, too?

His eyes widened as he saw what stood in middle of the corridor of the castle. "A panda!" he exclaimed. "A real giant panda!"

At first, the panda looked confused, glancing around as if wondering what he was talking about. Then it took a couple of glances at himself, and, to Dumbledore's great surprise, sat down on the floor, pressing his face on his huge paws and letting out a sad howl.

"There, there," the ancient wizard mumbled, petting clumsily the animal's head. "At first we'll see if we can get you something to eat and a place to sleep in. And tomorrow we'll try to find out where you have come from. What does that sound like?"

The panda didn't seem to be calming down. Instead, he let out an even louder howl of sorrow. Then, however, he stood back on his four big paws and glanced around himself again.

That was when the Headmaster saw something black in a heap under the panda. As he bent down to pick up the object, whatever it was, he noticed that he was now holding the torn shreds of Severus's robe.

Fury flashed in his twinkling blue eyes as he turned towards the panda. "Did you just eat Severus?" he demanded furiously. "Did you eat my precious little boy?" His wand raised, he tried to think of a curse that would be bad enough. The panda backed away from him, howling in shock.

This time, the howl was heard by somebody else, too. The nearby door opened, revealing the sleepy DADA Professor of the school. "What's wrong, Albus?" he asked with a muffled voice. "Has some ghost got lost?" Then, his eyes met the panda, and widened. "What the fuck is that?" he blurted out, sounding horrified.

The panda, however, let out a sigh of relief. No matter how much it pained him to admit it, Lupin was clever. Maybe he could save him from getting executed, accused of his own murder.

Or maybe not. Oh, the irony of the world. Well, are least it wouldn't be Voldemort who killed him off. That thought gave him some sick satisfaction.

"Language, my boy, language," Dumbledore scolded Remus. Glaring at the panda, still pointing his wand at the creature, he continued, "This is, most obviously, a panda. And it has eaten Severus!"

Instead of the reaction he'd expected, Remus started to laugh. The Headmaster was getting a bit annoyed. He'd known that his favourite professor wasn't liked by most people, and that he and Remus certainly weren't in too good terms, but this was just insufferable. "Remus!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "This is serious! Soon we'll all be eaten by giant pandas!"

"Albus, pandas aren't carnivores," the werewolf professor explained, once he'd got his laughing fit under control. "They eat mainly bamboo. Bamboo, Albus, not meat, and certainly not professors. That stupid song is wholly fictional."

"Are you sure?" asked Dumbledore, although he was feeling a bit unsure. Maybe it was true. At least the panda didn't look like he was going to eat anybody, he looked simply lost. And shouldn't there be blood around, if it had eaten Severus?

"Absolutely sure, Albus. This panda will not eat anybody, nor has it done that. Severus has just disappeared somewhere by his own free will, and you are overreacting."

"But still..." The Headmaster eyed the panda warily. "We cannot endanger our students!"

Remus sighed, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. "Look, Albus, I'm sure that this panda won't eat anybody. What about this: I'll take him into my quarters for the night, and you may lock the door from the outside, if you wish so. In the morning, you can check in. If neither I nor my owl have been eaten, this panda is harmless. Deal?"

Dumbledore pondered this for a moment. He'd already lost Severus to the bloodthirsty beast, he didn't want to lose his second favourite professor, too. But Remus seemed to be rather sure about the matter, and, well, the panda looked harmless. So, he replied, "Deal. But if it's taken even one feather from your owl's head or bit one finger from you, I'll hex it to the next millennia for eating Severus!"

"For the last time, Albus: Pandas do not eat meat. Not owls, not toads, not even Potions Masters." The werewolf seemed to be getting a bit frustrated, and not a bit tired, but he still managed to flash a smile at the panda.

Giving him a bit wary glance, the panda took one step, then another. Then he glanced towards the furious Headmaster, and quickly pawed towards the DADA professor.

The door clicked closed, and Dumbledore was left to the corridor alone, only the ragged remains of Severus's black robes in his hands, his other hand still clutching tightly his wand.