Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

22^nd Entry: September 18^th (The REAL day my life vanished down the pan with my breakfast after I realised what I had done)

Crotch update: Infested. I have crabs; courtesy of God only knows whom!

Letter update: Three. And we each have a wedding invitation!

The invite runs thus:

Dear

Mr./Ms./Mrs./Miss [delete as appropriate] Malfoy

You are cordially invited to attend the wedding of:

Sexy Sevvie + Not-So-Ickle Ronniekins

On the evening of:

September 19^th

At:

Uncle Voldie's Chapel of Love

RSVP to:

Uncle Voldie

This should be intriguing, but I have absolutely nothing decent to wear. I suppose that's where being a wizard, and the whole Transfiguration end of things comes in handy. I have a rather aggravating pet raccoon that I can transfigure into something that looks like Prada WizardWear.

I RSVP'd the invite anyway, saying I'd definitely be there. Purely out of curiosity as to which one is wearing the gown, mind you.

You should have seen Potter, though.

'UNCLE VOLDIE!' he yelled. 'VOLDEMORT! I'LL KILL HIM! MARRYING MY BEST FRIEND OFF TO SLEAZY SEVVIE!'

Hermione burst into tears again. 'I loved him, you know!' she sobbed.

Ginny and Blaise tried to comfort her, but then Lupin stepped in.

'Aw, come on Hermione! You can do better than that redheaded trout,' he said bracingly, grabbing a feel of her arse as she cuddled close to him. (What did I tell you? He's the man!)

'Like you, you mean?' she asked, her sniffles drying up faster than an ice cube in a volcano. (Hmm...I like that. There's hope for Author!Draco yet!)

Next thing you know, Hermione and Lupin are going at it doggy style in the bushes! At least they've some sort of decency. Thank Christ they didn't do a Ron/Sevvie and start doing right where me, Blaise, Potter and Ginny are eating our breakfast fry-up of leaves and dirt flakes.

(Oh yeah, we ran out of food. We're eating whatever we find on the ground. The joys of the outdoors...)

Anyways, I have the hangover from hell. I now see what mother means about alcohol being the devil's piss. It sure as hell makes you puke, at any rate. I can't remember a thing! I promise I will abstain from alcohol forever, or at least until the wedding tomorrow. (The only real problem about the source of the wedding is where exactly Uncle Voldie's Chapel of Love actually is...)

All I can really remember (before everything goes blank, that is) is that Lupin produced a bottle of absinthe, and after two shots I was dizzily (and very, very cheerfully) chasing this crazy little green fairy about the place. Hermione and Ginny and Blaise were having an orgy, while Lupin hung upside down from a tree and babbling, 'The night is young, and we have umbrellas in our drinks!' The fairy was wearing Potter's glasses, and he was sitting on the ground crying his gorgeous green eyes out because it had swiped them.

*Blinks*

Wait a minute...did I just say Potter's 'gorgeous green eyes'?

*Memories from last night flood back*

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID THAT!!!

Now I know how I got crabs!!

Stupid Potter...I should've known he was a filth bag!

Wait a minute, something else is coming back...

*More memories collide with the force of the Titanic colliding with the Statue of Liberty*

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh - my - god.

OH - MY - GOD.

I slept with Lupin, too.

Now I can't be buried in the family plot!

If he had a grave, father would be making a tornado in it, or whatever it is corpses do when they're ashamed beyond all rational thought!

Holy shit...I'm GAY!

Wait...it's all flooding back...

*Bursts into tears*

OH NOOO!! I remember everything! And worst of all...Potter's bigger than me!

*Wails*

*Moans*

*Suppurates*

*Weeps*

*Blubbers*

*Blubs*

*Bawls*

*Cries*

*Sobs*

*See: snivel* (Might I say, the wonders that a simple thesaurus can do. But there are only twenty euphemisms for 'crying' here. For situations like this, there should be thousands more, maybe even millions.)

The girls refused to let me in on their orgy, so I downed the remainder of the absinthe. After a major freakish trip, I turned to Lupin and said, 'You're cool!'

He clapped me on the back in a friendly fashion, and said, 'Thanks, Draco! Y'know, I always thought you were hot.'

And then Potter stopped crying and said, 'Lupin's right, Draco!' He licked his lips in what he intended to be a provocative manner, but it ended up looking as though he had ketchup on his chin. His movements could be called catlike as he approached me, except that he didn't stop to spray pee up against things.

'Why, thank you,' I said happily (it's been a long, long time - roughly two whole days - since I received a compliment) and added, 'it's not as if I really try, or anything...'

My heart was reprising the drum solo from Led Zeppelin's Moby Dick (live version).

Next thing I knew, we were all in a heap on the ground! Kissing, canoodling, snuggling and even debauching! Lupin gave me a hickey on my ass, while Potter drained me in a highly professional manner...if you know what I mean. Then the two of them pole danced around a tree for me (all the while I was slipping galleons into their G-strings but they kept on falling out because of all the baby oil they had on) and finished up their act with a lap dance.

If only they had of been girls... Oh yeah, speaking oh whom, they were watching and giggling, but they soon got bored and returned to their own gay-athon.

*Sighs*

I'm ruined!

On the upside, I have some bubble wrap to pop.

Yaaay!!

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Busily Popping Bubbles In A Sheet Of Bubble Wrap

P.S. I think I had better subtitle this diary WHEN HOPE AND SHIT COLLIDE