Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

23^rd Entry: September 19^th (The Day of the so-called Wedding of the Century)

Crotch update: Satisfactory. Thoroughly disinfected and completely rid of fleas. (Yes, it turned out I caught them from Lupin. I wonder how Hermione's getting on? Tee hee...)

When we woke up, there was a carriage waiting for us. A footman in a poncy powdered wig stepped down from it (amidst the melodious sound of a fit of choking laughter from myself) and unrolled a scroll of parchment.

'Hear ye, hear ye!' he said in a voice that sounded about as bent as an s-hook (a Malfoy family expression meaning extremely gay). 'All of ye who hold invitations to the wedding of Severus and Ronald may embark in the carriage. The rest of ye are a pack of ugly gits and are cordially invited to rev up and fuck off.'

We all had invitations, so I was heartily disappointed that nobody had to rev up. I have no idea what it means, but I am faintly sure that it involves rubber and handcuffs.

I realised though, that by some advanced form of Transfiguration, we were wearing similar fancy pants garb to the poncy footman. Mercifully, we were spared the horror of powdered wigs, but we were inflicted with buckled high-heeled shoes.

I, however, was cursed with a sailor suit.

Complete with a matching hat.

With ribbons.

I swear, if you're laughing, I will personally smother you with the ghastly thing.

I was clad in baby blue, Lupin looked highly fetching in a tan cowboy suit and hat, Potter wore a camouflage Muggle soldier suit, Ginny wore a flaming red Santa suit, Hermione wore a floaty kind of pink see-through negligee and Blaise (bizarrely so, but virtue-taunting deliciously) was wearing a black PVC bodysuit.

I was wondering if this was going to be a costume wedding. It turned out, yes, it was, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We had only settled down, and we were on the fifth verse of '20,000 Bottles Of Butterbeer On The Wall' when the carriage stopped abruptly and were unceremoniously hurled into a reception hall.

'Well, hello there my little ducks!' a voice as effeminate as Effeminate Jacqueline McEffeminate, Professor of Effeminacy at Queen's University boomed at us.

We turned, and to my unmitigated horror, I saw Voldemort himself!

On all the recent occasions that I've seen him, he's been dressed either in black PVC and a gimp mask or some foreboding black cloak. Either way, I'm used to him looking disturbing and gothic and creepy and somewhat dead. After all, his complexion was last seen amongst the dancers in Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

To see him today, you'd hardly believe that it was the same evil Dark Lord.

He wore false eyelashes long enough to tickle my cheek at ten paces, outlandishly garish green glitter eye shadow, shocking pink lipstick (and he obviously used some sort of spell to get them looking that bee stung), fishnet stockings, red high heels, a leather miniskirt and a white shirt tied up to reveal his pierced navel.

*Shudders*

He was still bald, and he still had red eyes and horribly pale skin, but he was every inch the drag queen.

'Voldie?' I asked incredulously.

'Ah, Jaysus, it's you, Draco!' he squealed. 'How's your daddy?'

*Pukes* You see what I mean? He even talks like a ponce!

'He'd be highly pissed off if he could see you!' I snarled. 'You're a disgrace to the dark side!'

He giggled. 'Oh, bless your little soul!' he whooped. 'Ain't he just the cutest?'

Lupin scowled and said, 'Listen, Voldie, no hard feelings, eh?'

'Oh, none at all!' Voldie giggled. 'Wormtail took me out to a gay bar one night, and ever since then I have been reborn!'

I'm sure he was. Anyone would be, and it can go either way. It can convert you to the fluffy purple side, or it can make you paranoid and insecure and persecute all whose sexuality is ambiguous.

I've seen it happen, that's why little Colin Creevey was beaten up. He went out to a gay bar, and ended up stalking Potter... such a pity. He could have stalked someone good-looking.

ANYWAY...

'How do you mean, reborn?' Harry asked suspiciously.

'I have been converted to the path of righteousness!' Voldie said, swelling with pride.

I am certain that I heard Potter gasp, and I just know that I saw him shove his hands in his pockets and turn red. I reckon something of his was...swelling with pride, if you catch my drift.

Voldie was...raising his hopes, so to speak.

Hur, hur, hur...

'And...and what about Dumbledore, and the map he gave us, and all those signs?' Harry asked in a squeaky voice.

Voldie giggled madly. 'Oh, Dumbledore!' he said fondly. 'I saw that map. It actually leads to the local Burger King, would you believe?'

'And the signs?' I asked. 'I didn't go on this dumb-ass quest for nothing!'

'Oh, Dumbledore's clearly wacko,' Voldie said blithely. 'He should really be locked up.'

'NO!' I bellowed. 'He should clearly have the crap beaten out of him! I'm gonna go back there and hex the arse off him! But I'm gonna have him sectioned.' I whipped a spare owl out of my pocket and hastily scribbled a note (on official Malfoy Family Headed Notepaper) and sent it off to the suitable authorities.

'Ooh, you're so manly!' Voldie giggled.

'And I think you're gorgeous!' Potter growled, launching himself at Voldie.

Now, let me tell you this, and you have to believe me.

I DID NOT WANT TO SEE POTTER KISSING VOLDEMORT...but I just couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

You know what it's like though, right? It's like when you watch an operation on TV, and you watch someone's spleen explode through your fingers...or when you're watching Quidditch and some guy does the Wronski Feint, and you watch the other guy get mashed into the pitch.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, someone else would really have to be telling it, but you're stuck with me!

'Well, I'm so hungry I could eat a nun's arse through the convent gate!' Lupin grumbled, more to disrupt the situation than anything else. 'Have you got anything to eat?'

Voldie tore himself away from Potter and chuckled. 'Just the thing for you, my lycanthropic friend!' he said. 'Lightly braised fillet of Carmelite rump served on sizzling filigree wrought iron, and served with a smashing chive and sour cream dip!'

'I'm sold!' Lupin yelled. 'Come along, Hermione!'

'Hang on!' Voldie squealed. 'Are you and little Miss Smarty-Pants an item?'

'You bet your Gucci pumps we are,' Lupin purred, pinching Hermione's bottom and making her giggle.

(*Confused* Did I just say, "Bottom"?)

'Well, how would you two like to get married? I can squeeze you in right after Pansy and Wormtail!' Voldie said excitedly. 'And Harry and I can go after you two!'

(Voldie said squeeze...ewww...)

'How about it, darling?' Lupin said.

'Oh, Remus, yes!' Hermione screeched. 'Oh, by the way...I'm pregnant, so you're going to have to anyway.'

'Right so,' Remus said with a giant grin.

Hermione thought for a moment, and said, 'Oh, by the way...if I have puppies, I will personally shrink your gonads to the size of peas.'

Lupin swallowed nervously.

*Chuckles*

Man, did he dig a hole for himself there!

Well, in order to spare my wrist and hand from horrible cramping, I'm not going to masturbate.

*Guffaws*

Ha, I had you there! No, really, I'm going to cut this story short to the bare minimum.

Just before Ron and Sevvie's wedding, I was overcome with jealousy and rage.

I can't say why.

I was heading in, wondering which side I should sit on with my two remaining girls, when I saw him there.

He was a vision of loveliness and sweetness, much like a giant, mouth-watering meringue. He was waiting for the wedding march to begin and looking so luscious with his hair like locks of silken curls and glitter mascara on his eyelashes. And, oh dear God! His cheekbones! A blind woodsman could've carved them.

*Shivers with delight*

Wowser!

He was absolutely resplendent in that gown. Holy shit, he even had breasts. He must have taken a hormone replacement potion, or something...

Anyway, I lost it. Completely.

'If I can't have you, no one can!' I bellowed. 'I'll stop you from ever getting to your beloved Ronniekins!'

'RON!' Sevvie wailed helplessly, flinging himself to the ground and inadvertently revealing his legs to me. It was quite a fetching sight actually; skirts of white satin, lace stockings and a frilly garter on his left thigh, all hiding his fur-covered legs.

'I'll seal the damned door!' I snarled, tearing my eyes away from this vision. 'What's the incantation again, Ginny?'

'Reducto!' Ginny said savagely.

'Thank you,' I said, tweaking her boob with a merry wink. I returned my attentions to the door and roared, 'REDUCTO!'

The door vanished with a smoky *foof*, leaving me face to face with a highly aggravated Ronniekins.

'I'm gonna kill you, Malfoy!' Ron howled. He turned to Sevvie and said, 'Severus, my darling...did he hurt you? Are you all right?'

Snape fled to Ron's arms, sobbing, 'Oh Ronnie! It was horrible! But we're together again, and that's all that matters.'

They began to kiss passionately, and I had to look away for fear of throwing up.

The ceremony was touching, especially since Harry had to serve as best man while wearing a kilt. Actually, they all wore kilts. And at the end of the ceremony they were all drunk enough to expose themselves, much to the girls' delight and mine. Voldie giggled and brayed, 'Oh, you!'

I have to admit, the boy has spectacularly knobbly knees.

Shit, memories of the other night are invading my mind again!

*PUNCHES SELF*

*Staggers dazedly*

And once you've seen one wedding, the following three seem rather pointless by comparison.

Hermione wore white lace that a blind monk could see straight through, whereas Lupin wore a duffel coat and a dickey bow. That was it.

And memories of Hermione and me are crowding my MIND!

*SLAP*

Pansy looked hideous in vivid green taffeta, and I can honestly say that I don't fancy her at all anymore. Wormtail looked very much like a beaten husband, which was exactly what he was.

I am well out of it there...

Whereas in the final ceremony, I was asked to be the preacher and marry them! I refused point blank, so Ronnie decided to wed Voldemort off to Potter. Voldie was every inch the drag queen in towering stilettos and a sequined bikini with a feathered headdress. Potter still wore his kilt.

The reception was a spectacular affair, complete with larks' tongues and swan brains.

Yum.

Fortunately for my Macarena-dancing stomach, there was some barbaric looking woman there, calling herself "Tonks".

Intriguing.

She was going to be added to the TO DO List, but I realised there is no point in adding someone you've already done to a TO DO List.

I SCORED!!

AGAIN!!!!!

Man, I am an absolute legend.

She can change the way she looks, so in effect I was shagging several celebrities, as well as her. She is so cool...I might even consider marrying her...

*CLOBBERS SELF AROUND HEAD VICIOUSLY*

Keep it together, man! You're young, free and single, and you don't want to be doing insufferably stupid things like getting married at your age!

Meanwhile, I am quite happy with myself because I am currently enjoying my first proper bath in weeks, courtesy of Uncle Voldie's 5-star hotel! Yay!

With Blaise and Ginny!

Triple yay!

And guess what? I'm going home tomorrow, with Blaise and Ginny at my side. Two redheads...yay!

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Relieved