Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

21^st Entry: September 17^th (The day my life vanished down the pan)

My life is collapsing around my ears like a cheap building.

Possibly like Weasley's house, but I'd never set foot in that hellhole.

It's a combination of various mitigating circumstances, and I have to say they were mitigated in a very severe way, I think. (I don't even know what mitigating means, but it sounds cool.)

My TO DO List is full (yes, I didn't chuckle at it for once), the 24-hour sugar rush has worn out, my fetching tan is fading, Lupin has fleas, Potter gained roughly fifty pounds (after Bob's meagre attempts at fattening him up), our supplies are dwindling (because Potter has a new-found bottomless-pit style appetite), I received an invitation to Sexy Sevvie's wedding to not-so-ickle Ronniekins, mother has been owling me with an absolute barrage of Howlers (for not doing her task and owling my journal to her) and Pansy has eloped!

Why the heck does this bother me at any rate?

It's not like she's good looking or anything! And plus that, it's not as if she's intelligent...or attractive or witty or conniving or...or...or anything I look for in a woman!

It's just... you know how it is! When you're in a life or death situation you get desperate and think 'No way! I refuse to die without a final shag!'

*Mulls on this*

Maybe not everyone thinks like that, but I certainly do.

I REFUSE TO DIE A VIRGIN!!!

And the fact that I'm not a virgin (ooh, definitely NOT a virgin! I am the ruthless despoiler of virgins, after all!) doesn't matter there.

Saying that you're a virgin to a girl drives her mad. She instantly thinks: 'Like, wow! He's like, a virgin! This means I get to take a guy's virginity. Cool!'

Actually, I have no idea how exactly a woman's mind works. I know that somewhere, like back in the recesses of her mind where a guy would keep his pants size and the colour of his toothbrush, she thinks about sex.

Hang on a sec; I've gone off on some weird how-a-woman's-mind-works tangent.

*Puzzled*

Oh, well.

We came upon a giant castle at the bottom of this cave thing. I wasn't sure if it was real, because I've been having drug withdrawal symptoms. Mainly involving Bonnie Tyler in spandex and singing 'Hero' in my ear, with a chorus line of pink rabbits doing the cancan.

Can you picture it? 'I'm holding out for a hero! I need a hero he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast, and gotta be fresh from the fight...I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light. He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life!'

*Shudders violently*

It's worse than waking up to find Weasley wrapped around you. I actually feel sorry for Sevvie now, he's gonna have to get married to that rusty retard!

I wonder which one will wear the wedding dress?

*Shudders again*

That's scary. And do you know what's even scarier? I reckon Sevvie would look fantastic in white lace and satin.

(Once again, I have strayed dangerously from the point. But that's just me, Draco Malfoy...always courting the ragged edge of disaster.)

Anyway, Lupin reassured us that the castle was real, and that the crowd of vampires advancing on us were also real.

Fortunately for us, Pansy wears 'Teen Spirit' deodorant, which positively reeks of garlic. They caught one whiff of her and ran off, whimpering like frightened puppies.

I remember thinking, 'What a woman!' and then I physically slapped myself.

Every time I thought of her in any sort of favourable way, I clobbered myself. I had a pact with Ginny; every time I pressed my hands to my temples in dismay, she was to slap me upside the head.

It worked exceedingly well, but I think that Ginny thinks me a tad weird.

Lupin fell to the ground and tore at his skin, only to get up again panting vigorously.

'Anyone got any flea powder?' he asked.

We all backed away by a few steps.

'Screw you guys!' he barked. 'I'm gonna ask Voldie!'

In a manner of complete disobedience to our cries of 'YOU FUCKING IDIOT, GET BACK HERE!' Lupin ploughed towards the castle and hammered madly on the door.

It opened a crack, and a pale little man poked his head out.

'Yes?' he said.

'Can Uncle Voldie come out to play?' Lupin asked, leaping into his arms.

'D'you have an appointment?' he asked.

'Tell him it's Harry Potter and his little friends here to smite his ass!' I yelled from behind a tree.

'SHUT UP, MALFOY!!' Potter howled.

'Is it now?' the man asked.

'Yep,' Lupin said cheerfully. 'Can Voldie bring out some flea powder when he's coming?'

'Of course,' said the man, and dropped Lupin. He ran out of the castle, screaming wildly, 'HELP!! POTTER'S HERE!! WE'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!'

'WORMTAIL!' Hermione shrieked. 'Get him, Harry!'

Potter feebly raised his fists to Wormtail, who dropped to the ground and took up a trembling foetal position.

Now, all things considered, the only frightening or threatening aspect of Potter's stance was his shoelaces. They looked a decidedly menacing health hazard, seeing as I had tied them together while he wasn't looking. Much to my delight, he collapsed in a lopsided heap.

And then, much to my amazement, Pansy set upon that little weed Wormtail. (I wonder how he got the name...*giggles madly* Oh, that's how!! *laughs madly until falls over with weakness*)

When I say 'set upon', I should really say 'sat upon'.

They became dangerously attracted to one another, and Wormtail had his hands on her ass. Mercifully, my imagination shut down at that point.

After indulging in some very public and highly indecent activities, the two declared their engagement.

'Wait a minute, you can't do that!' I yelled.

'And who's gonna stop me, Malfoy?' Pansy asked.

'Me, that's who!' I snapped.

A chorus of 'Draco loves Pansy! Draco loves Pansy!' sounded from the girls behind me, but I paid them no heed. (That is, after I turned to them and bellowed at them to shut up.)

'You're too young to get married!' I pointed out.

'Oh, yeah...' Pansy muttered.

'Oh, well, extra-long engagement then!' Wormtail cheered.

'Hurrah!' Pansy said.

Hurrah? I didn't know that was even a word. I thought it was a type of incontinence pants, to be fully honest.

With that, the pair frolicked off into the sunset. (Being metaphorical there, we are underground after all.)

I sat down and wept for a while.

Well, wouldn't you? For a minute there, I had thought that she could be the love of my life! But then I remembered that I had been beaten around the head all day, and concussion was a very likely cause of this sudden dementia.

Lupin re-emerged from the castle, still flea-infested, but carrying three crates of good, old-fashioned beer!

HURRAH!!

If one of the girls gets drunk, I'll get lucky!

Potter's eyeballing me. It's faintly disturbing really, cause he knows that this is my journal. Probably trying to work out what I'm writing in it.

*Ponders*

Wait a minute...is that lust I see in his eye?

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Alarmed