Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

20^th Entry: September 16^th (Yes, it has been two motherf**king days!!!!)

Well, after an extended two-day, three-little-pigs style siege on Bob's gingerbread house, we were freed.

An obvious flaw in the architecture of gingerbread is its lack of resilience in the face of the elements.

You know what I mean, though, right? When you have ginger snaps with a cup of tea or coffee, and you dip it in, and the ginger snap gets all melty and delicious as the liquid creeps through it until half of it falls off into the cup and you're left with what looks like beckoning tentacles in the brown liquid?

*Has the good grace to look embarrassed*

Maybe that's just something only I know about...

I mean, come on! Someone else has to have dipped cookies and biscuits into tea and coffee at some stage!

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah!

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!

*Splutters madly*

Wait, I wasn't there! What in the name of Slytherin is happening to me? I'm going insane...

I was here!

Lupin obviously knew about gingerbread's tendencies to do just what happens to my afternoon cup of tea, and he re-enacted it on a larger scale most industriously.

In other words, Lupin piddled against its foundations, whistling merrily as he did so. He is obviously unaware of how much whistling aggravates me.

The whole thing collapsed in a gooey mess, leaving us all retching at the stench of urine.

Anyways, it took Lupin a full forty hours to think of it, while my skin was being toasted a rather fetching shade of golden-brown.

I look good with a tan, wooooooooooooooooh, go me!!

Sorry.

Must have been the sugar in that house.

For the first eight hours of our imprisonment, Lupin engaged in a ferocious battle with some strange beast outside. I could see it all through the window.

The thing wore a lurid bodysuit of yellow spandex with a freaky mask. I swear, some people will always insist on going too far with fetish clothing!

It did sport some rather fetching extendable claws that sprouted from its knuckles. I admired them. Can you imagine how useful they'd be?

ANYWAYS!!

Why is it that I get so sidetracked?

AAAAAAAARGH!!

ANYWAY!!

The thing and Lupin engaged in a legendary battle. The kind of legend that was obviously invented while drunk, or high, or even both.

'Damn you, wolf boy! I'm gonna have your throat!' it bellowed.

'Shut up, polecat!' Lupin yelped, scaling the roof in seconds and loosing several sugary tiles.

Pansy moaned as each one shattered on the grass. 'Such a waste!' she lamented.

'The name's Wolverine, you twisted freak!' it yelled, shaking a well-clawed fist at Lupin.

'Yeah, and ain't the wolverine a kind of wimpy, fat ferret?' Lupin taunted. He dangled himself from the roof, holding on to the gutter with his knees, directly before the window and waggling his tongue madly.

You know, I think that guy has absolutely NO sense of what's dangerous and what's not. Still think he's cool though, cause he gets stoned and high, and he permanently has chocolate on him!

Growling ferociously, Wolverine launched himself at Lupin.

Fortunately for Lupin, the gutter (being made of marzipan) broke neatly in half, dropping Lupin to the ground. Wolverine was still in mid-air, and slammed straight into the Perspex window. His face slid with a noisy screech down the glass, making us all giggle with delight.

He landed on top of Lupin, and next thing you know the pair of them are discussing the finer issues of being semi-wolfen.

'Yeah, the fur can get really, really matted!' Lupin said sagely.

'And your parents just don't understand that you're different,' Wolverine sighed.

'Uh-huh,' Lupin agreed.

'And you never find that special someone who understand you...' Wolverine continued, snaking a muscular (albeit spandex enhanced) arm about Lupin.

With a squawk that put me in mind of a dyspeptic armadillo, Lupin clobbered Wolverine about the head with a convenient spade, which just so happened to be lying casually around.

The weirdo safely concussed, Lupin tied him up and dropped him into the caramel well beside the house.

A caramel well... *rolls eyes* I swear, nothing will ever surprise me again!

I can still hear Wolverine howling down there.

Anyways, Lupin slept for the next forty hours, and when he woke up he piddled against the foundations (actually, I think that it wasn't so much a plan as it was a call of nature) rescuing us as a result.

Bob surrendered pretty quickly when Lupin unleashed a can of insecticide and sun cream (with insect repellent!).

He slunk out of the ruins like a dog with its tail between its legs.

We decided we'd have to camp here overnight, what with Pansy eating anything that wasn't spoiled by piddle.

Me, I'm treating some burns that I got in embarrassing places.

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Badly Scalded (and somewhat insane)