Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

15^th Entry: September 11^th (Evening)

Two weird looking girls waked me up. They had greenish looking skin, and their hair seemed to be made from wood.

'We have heard about you,' they whispered, 'and we know that you are the sex god, Draco Malfoy!'

Needless to say, waking up to ready-made sex is the best sort of wakeup-call. Especially when I realised they were twin tree nymphs!

Soon after they had vamoosed, I joined the 'Council of War' as I call it. In other words, Potter trying to sound important, Weasley following suit, Granger getting pissed off with their futility, Blaise sighing and painting her nails, Pansy listening acutely and throwing in random comments about killing people and Ginny braiding Granger's hair to distract herself.

We eventually decided that the best course of action is to explore the underground warren. We were very diplomatic about it, and voted. The result of the vote? It was overwhelmingly in favour of continuing onwards. Only Pansy objected, and that was because she wanted to die, or so she said.

She is such a fat, ugly drama queen. I am so sure that she is descended from hags!

Well, just as we set off, a vicious howl erupted and echoed off the walls, terrifying us all beyond reason. I leaped into the nearest person's arms in unparalleled terror, only to find out it was Weasley and he was licking my ear. I shrieked and fled - straight into the beastie's waiting arms.

My initial thoughts when the beastie appeared? Well, for one...I never found out what colour knickers Granger wears. Or if Ron Weasley really did send me those letters. Or if Sexy Sevvie really is as good as he lets on.

'Well, well!' boomed the beastie. 'Look who it is! Little Harry, off with his wee friends. It's just all so cute!'

'Professor Lupin!' Hermione yelped.

'At your service, milady!' Lupin howled with laughter. 'Draco, dude, where on earth did you find those mushrooms? Snape confiscated them from your Common Room, and he shared some with me on the way here.'

'Snape is coming HERE?' I squealed.

'Indeedy-doo!' Lupin giggled, swallowing three caps. 'Where did you get these?'

'Goyle,' I said absently.

'Well, if I were still a teacher at Hogwarts - which I'm not - I would confiscate these for my own personal use. You have no idea of how beneficial these are at that time of the month.'

My eyes slammed shut in horror, while Weasley and Potter groaned and gagged.

The girls nodded sagely.

'I mean at the full moon, kids...' Lupin explained.

Realisation dawned. A unified chorus of 'Oooohhh...' erupted from us.

Potter began to cry. 'Oh GAWD!' he sobbed, 'Why, oh why, do you have to be like Draco?'

Like that's such a bad thing!

Or is it?

'Come on, Harry!' Lupin said bracingly. 'Why, I'm fairly sure your mother conceived you when she was high! It was the seventies, after all...'

Harry burst into a fresh bout of tears and fled into the shadows. Again.

'Oh, dear,' Lupin murmured. 'Did I say something wrong?'

The girls nodded, while Lupin, Ron and Pansy ran after the human hosepipe to check if he was 'OK'.

LOSERS!

While they were gone, I found out what colour knickers Granger wears! I managed to get her all alone. I poured out my heart and troubles to her, feeding her so much bullshit that I had no idea you could pile it so high!

Anyway, Hermione, being the tender soul that she is, (and may I say, with very tender bosoms!) held me close to her and soothed me until my sobs subsided.

Awww...on the count of three, everyone, altogether now: PUKE!!

But pretty soon, I looked up at her and whispered, 'Thanks so much, Hermione. I had no idea you were such a nice person...and so beautiful...'

Next thing I knew, she had hurled me to the ground and she was all but ripping my clothes off! This seems to be the beginnings of a habit with girls. I sincerely hope the trend continues!

Also, I had no idea that geeks had such hidden delights!

*Clears throat and yells* HEY EVERYBODY! GRANGER WEARS RED LACE THONGS! AND A MATCHING LACY BRA!

Despite the wonders this did for my mood, I was alarmed by the fact that my "TO-DO LIST" (still cracks me up every time!) is rapidly becoming filled. For example, look!

Foreigners of all denominations? I'm hardly going to meet them here!

Bloody hell! I am in a FUCKING RABBIT HOLE! I AM THE FUCKING FOREIGNER HERE!

What in the name of Slytherin?

I just heard a voice yell out from far away, 'OH! I CAN SEE YOU! DRAAAAAAACOOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!'

It sounds vaguely like Snape...

I shall have to run.

Tinkerty-tonk!

Draco the Breathless and Panicked