Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

14^th Entry: September 10^th (Evening)

Beastie Update: Strange howling is now much closer. Fear an attack at any moment.

Crotch Update: Well, "up" is one way of putting it...

Today has been tragic on so many levels. Weasley ran out of clean underwear and asked Granger could he borrow hers. He's been slapped in the face four times today. It would have went on until Potter told him to use the Scouring Charm to clean his *gulps* briefs.

Oh, yes, I had two owls today. One from mother, saying that this week's task is to do something noble and completely selfless. I almost choked on my mouldy bread. (Yes, the food Fleur gave us doesn't keep so well. Particularly when it's damp and is dated BEST BEFORE: JUNE 1912)

The other was from Sevvie himself. It said:

Dearest Draco,

I cannot contain myself any longer. I am coming to look for you. And when I find you, everything will be alright again, I promise!!

I understand that it is hard to find paper or ink in the wilderness, and to find time to read my letters in between battling Voldemort and rescuing knights (I mean damsels) in distress, but I know that you are thinking of me when you feast on curved, yellow fruits and gloriously rounded melons, and perhaps even when you...

I let out a horrified shriek at the next line and danced around in utmost horror. Weasley and the girls ran forward to make sure I was ok, while Potter followed to make sure he wasn't left behind. All of a sudden, the earth gave way and everything went black. We looked around, and then looked up and then Weasley said the stupidest thing ever:

'Er, I think we've fallen down some kind of hole.'

And that was Professor You-Don't-Say, from the University of Stating-The-Bleeding-Obvious.

'Draco, are you ok?' Ron howled, running over and checking me for injuries. I punched him for concentrating on one certain area. Granger slapped him for the same offence. Filthy little muppet that he is!

The hole seems to be the beginnings of some sort of tunnel, maybe an underground warren or something.

Well, we have fallen down a rabbit hole. At least, I thought I saw rabbits. They were giant and pink and had yellow eyes that emitted lightning bolts...

Maybe I should give up drugs? Yeah, I'll do that. At least, I'll give up caps.

Anyway, I got very bored down there, what with there being no shower to bathe myself in, and no new girls to debauch (apart from Pansy, but she doesn't count as a girl) so I tried to write the story of my life, but all that amounted to was this filthy little poem:

I straddle some girl and stroke her thighs,

And I think of kinky things,

Like dragons who like to do it in teams,

Or goblins who dabble with spanking.

I straddle some girl and remove her clothes,

And I think of orgasmic things,

Like Hermione Granger (oh, what a babe!)

And little Miss Weasley's belly ring.

I straddle some girl and struggle with her bra,

And I think of disturbing things,

Like Snape in the shower (oh, dear God!)

Or Filch in the dungeon wing.

And while I straddle and I stroke,

I see something that makes me choke,

Blue eyes watching me from the trees,

Oh, Lord save me from Ron Weasley!

If nothing else, at least it rhymes. While Potter, Weasley and Granger argued over whether Harry should fly out on his broom (how the hell he managed to pack that in that little pink handbag of his, I have no idea) and try to find a rope, or if Granger should "Wingardium Leviosa" us all out, or if Weasley should just try and climb out of the pit (which has sides of a ninety-degree angle) I had a heart-to-heart with Blaise.

If you'll remember, on September the 2^nd I believe it was, Weasley said something to Blaise that made her ignore me for, oh, a couple of days.

Well, she told me what he said.

He said I was gay, and that I was going out with him!

Of all the low, dirty, rotten, cheap tricks!

It's like something a Slytherin would do! Pretending he's gay so Blaise won't come near me...the imbecile!

Anyway, I was pleased to debunk this slander, and was eager to prove it to Blaise.

She smiled sweetly and said, 'Not with all these people around, hot stuff. Maybe when we escape this dreadful hole, my love...'

There was once an author who claimed that the word "love" set him on fire.

The only fire this word sets in me is one under my arse. The kind that makes you run out of the room screaming in horror.

I'm so afraid of commitment it's not even funny! Just like Dad, actually. Mum had to concuss him before he'd marry her. She also applied a liberal dosage of absinthe to make him slightly gaga. Ah, absinthe...how I miss it!

Anyway, speaking of fires, Potter used the Incendio spell to light us one. His futility levels are fading slowly into nothingness, which is a relief, but also kind of worrying.

Potter? Being useful and practical? Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?

Granger threw up her hands in disgust and sighed, 'Oh well, at least we're not in any immediate danger.'

She kicked a stone angrily. It shot into the darkness and stunned a puma. Not in any danger, eh, Granger?

Pansy pattered over to me, and sat heavily on a rattlesnake.

'What do you want?' I sighed wearily.

'I want you, Draco,' Pansy replied.

I gibbered. I could hardly believe those words had come from her mouth. I wanted to vomit, really and truly, I did.

Will the universe never be done tormenting me? Between one hot girl declaring her undying and obsessive love for me (steady on with the hyperbole, Draco! And steady on talking to yourself!!) and one absolute dog hitting on me, not to mention Pansy (Tee hee hee! Take that Ron Weasley!) and Severus Snape all but making suggestive comments about bananas, I'm at my wits end!

Particularly so since Weasley started whistling a tune that sounds vaguely like "Dies Irae". I took Latin as a child, and I know that "Dies Irae" means Day of Wrath.

Number One : Whistling irritates me. As does being poked in the ear with a pointy stick, but that rarely happens.

And Number Two (Hee hee!) : There's something terribly foreboding about that.

Ah, well. Hopefully the Terrible Trio will come up with some sort of plan to rescue me and my harem.

Hmm. Never thought I'd be depending on Potter for anything.

Must barricade myself and make some kind of chastity belt to prepare for Snape's arrival, and find some sort of beastie repellent. Maybe it will work on Weasley, Pansy and the beastie that has been stalking me!

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco