Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

13^th Entry: September 9^th (Evening)

Beastie update: Strange panting and snuffling coming from the rear. Possibly Pansy, or other strange creature. Possibly a crumple horned Snorlack, but we all know that they only exist in the minds of kids of the sort whose youths are spent in wicker baskets and who grow up to be muggers, Hippogriff thieves and insurance salesmen.

Crotch update: I've been staggering around bow-legged all day...and not only because Fleur Delacour bruised some sensitive areas.

She woke us at six a.m. and gave us some fine, swift horses that guaranteed not to tire or weaken. She woke us with breakfast and clean clothes, and then packed our bags and gave us food for our trip. She promptly kicked us from our beds and rolled us down the stairs. She all but stripped off our nightclothes, for Slytherin's sake!

Is it just me, or did she want us gone quickly?

She waved us off from the gate tearfully, waving a white handkerchief (or was it a white flag?) in the opposite direction and bowing. Perhaps I addled her brain...yes, that must be it. All that slamming her head off the headboard and all...

The day was full of hilarity and petty vengeance.

Potter's horse reared, and he fell...face-first into a pile of my horse's freshly crapped dung.

I aimed a sneaky stinging hex at its backside and he was dragged raw!

I almost fell from my own mount I was laughing so hard!

Of course, bitter Master Weasley ratted me out to Potter.

During this time, we came across several omens of an unappetising nature, including the bleached skeleton of a minotaur, the body of Piltdown man and a battered pocket watch with the inscription "To Whitey from the whole Wonderland crowd!"

Despite the horror of these horrible horrors, Potter spent a full hour trying to plot revenge, and when we stopped to rest our aching arses and rub other wounded extremities, Potter slipped my steed a strong laxative.

Within minutes of remounting, I was borne in panicky circles by my ailing stallion while Potter and Weasley clutched each other in paroxysms of laughter.

Luckily, Hermione did a full body-lock on the beast, giving me ample time to dismount and utter the counter-curse.

The thing with Petrificus Totalus is that it seals all muscles up, not to mention orifices and sphincter muscles, and when the spell is undone, the muscles relax very swiftly, with often explosive results.

As my good luck would have it, Potter and Weasley were directly behind the horse's arse as I freed it from the enchantment, and they were sprayed with a copious amount of liquid horse crap.

Hermione, Ginny and Blaise nearly died laughing, as did I.

'Impaled on your own knob of shite, what?' I sneered.

Potter turned beet red and cleaned himself up with a scouring charm.

Still did nothing for the stench.

I trimmed his horse's rear left hoof by two inches, causing him many long hours of seasickness.

He dismounted at dusk, whimpering something about his coccyx being busted.

Wuss.

Instantly, we were attacked by a vicious pack of Red Caps. I beat them off my harem with a series of well-aimed kicks and punches, while Weasley and the girls cheered me on. Pansy sat on five of them, crushing them to death in seconds, while Potter hexed them all to death. Honestly, he's completely useless in an emergency! Using his wand...what kind of idiot is he? A hex does not a murder make, and Potter's way too wimpy to use the Killing Curse, or even the more fun hexes like the Curse of the Bogeys.

I ripped his blankey out of fury.

Potter became vastly enraged and drew a sword.

My initial thoughts? Something along the lines of, SHITBOLLOXFUCKTWATCLITTITSCRAP!

And then I thought: Where the hell did he get a SWORD?

'Battle to the death, Malfoy!' Harry howled.

'Right, so!' I bellowed in response.

Potter charged towards me, his weapon held high, and just as I thought my doom was upon me, he missed his mark and tripped over his scabbard. He stood up and stumbled on his cloak, spilling canary creams across the ground. He got to his feet again, beet-red with anger. He lifted his sword menacingly, and the blade fell off the handle. He replaced it, ran and firmly embedded its point in the tree.

Needless to say, the rest of us nearly choked with laughter, giving Potter ample time to kick me in the breadbasket.

I promptly began to whimper, while Hermione, Blaise and Ginny all took care of me.

I stuck my tongue out at Potter. Childish, I know, but what can I say?

Ginny thought I was sticking it out at her, and shoved her tongue into my mouth.

That saucy little minx!

Potter burst into tears and said, 'The horse I can accept, Malfoy...even my blankey...but stealing Ginny from me? Now that is LOW!'

He ran off into the forest, weeping.

Ginny followed him.

Naturally enough, Ron, Hermione, Blaise, Pansy and I all stayed dead silent in order to hear their shouted exchanges.

'...You'd go running if he clicked his fingers right now, wouldn't you!?' Potter snarled.

'That's not true!' Ginny howled.

Of course, my wicked nature took over in that instant.

*SNAP! SNAP!*

'GINNY!!' I bellowed.

In moments, Ginny was at my side, leaving Potter crestfallen in the forest.

Ron dragged me to some secluded clearing and made a great show out of ensuring I was "unarmed", complete with strip and full cavity search. If anything, the boy is thorough. I think he enjoyed it way too much, though.

'Now!' Ron snarled. 'Was it my sister you slept with?'

'No!' I lied fluently. 'It was Blaise.'

He calmed somewhat, and then said with a muffled sob, 'And what about me? Don't I matter to you?'

My mind screamed horrible obscenities. My stomach did the Macarena. My heart pounded with an intensity verging on palpitations, definitely due to terror. My bladder contracted. My ears popped.

Also, to further my torment, Snape has threatened to visit. Will the Fates never be done tormenting me?

May need intensive bouts of therapy before this quest is over.

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Highly Horrified