Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

16^th Entry: September 11^th (Witching Hour. Again. Why is it I am always tormented most at this hour?)

I have been hiding amongst the reeds of this godforsaken lake for roughly an hour. It is becoming decidedly tedious, especially since a leech attached itself to my arm. I can't move my left arm out of horror and extreme grossed-outness, so I am using my right hand to write this. Right...write...I'm such a wit! Anyway, between the leech, the cold water and the larger, longer-haired and infinitely more disturbing leech that wants to attach himself to places on my person...my writing sucks.

The rest of the (excuse me while I laugh maniacally, but not too loud because Snape is still on my trail) heroes on this quest followed me here, but fortunately they could not find me. Then again, I suppose I would follow anyone that ran by screaming 'THE ULTIMATE HORROR AND SOURCE OF ALL EVIL IS AFTER ME!!'

The sound of Snape chasing me will haunt me until the day I die. He kept on screeching things at me, things like, 'DRACO! HOT LIPS! COME BAAAACK! I NEED YOU!!'

Needless to say, that was all I needed for the adrenaline to kick in and make me run as though the very monster of Slytherin were after me. (I mentioned this in passing to Potter, to which he replied that he had destroyed Slytherin's monster back in our second year. I sulked for hours, mainly because Potter is a terrible liar, but also because he didn't do a good enough job. Snape is still running free, after me!)

Pretty soon, I came to a stairway that led out of the warren, and up to the skirts of the forest. There was a sparkling blue lake nearby, and I sought refuge there.

Twenty minutes later (how fast was I running?) Potter and pals appeared at the top of the stairs, hot, sweaty, bothered and highly irritated that I had managed to give them the slip.

*Chuckles* I am so cool...guess how cool I am? This is how cool I am; I'm going to sing a song!

*Sings in a high alto* 'We are looking for Blue's Clues, we are looking for...'

I did NOT just sing that.

Did I?

Oh, ye gods, help me!

Anyway, the girls decided that this lake would be just perfect for a bubble bath!

*Grins wickedly*

I think someone up there likes me after all!

Right now, they're climbing into the lake...wearing bikinis!

Woops, now I can't write for a different reason. My hand keeps...slipping...

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Shockingly Aroused

17^th Entry: September 12^th (Sometime during those weird, grey-looking hours just before sunrise that I only just discovered exist in anything other than novels or cheesy poems)

Well, the bubbles are all gone, and as is my ability to be amazed or startled by anything. Like, ever again.

First of all, once the girls got out and I was finished...*coughs*...entertaining myself, Potter took his own bath, mercifully wearing some kind of bathing suit.

I still felt ill at ease, so I remained hidden in the reeds. The girls briefly discussed where I could be, and eventually fell asleep.

Suddenly, to my never-ending and shameful horror, Weasley stepped into the lake, completely starkers - bare, arse naked! And here's where the horror sets in - I got an eyeful of...it! And let me tell you, it was the biggest one I have ever clapped eyes on! Bigger even than mine, which is where the shame part comes...I mean enters the...I mean...shit!

I'm glad I have you to confide in, because I ain't showing you to anyone (except maybe mother...and daddy...and that psychologist...who will probably use it as a case study. Shit.)

Ah, well...to late to worry my pretty little self about it now. I'm already traumatised beyond all reason; I may as well let the whole world know.

Anyways, Weasley swam about (nearly sticking his foot in my face I might add, the boy is about as elegant as a club foot) and suddenly, Sexy Sevvie appeared at the top of the stairs.

'DRACO! BELOVED! I COME TO YOU!' he shrieked.

'Oh, please, please, please don't say "come" again!' I whimpered, sinking lower in the water, and receiving another leech on my neck as a reward.

Weasley chose that moment to get out of the pool.

Now, I will admit, when Weasley got out of there, he looked all mythical and poetic, rather like a red-headed Greek God. What with his hair billowing all about his face, and those rippling, toned pecs and six-pack...and that tight little arse of his...and his mighty...presence...and that choir of angels that started to sing...

Ahem.

Snape met Weasley's eyes.

Weasley met Snape's.

Blue eyes and black eyes...sounds rather like the aftermath of a Muggle duel, actually...

ANYWAY.

Snape fell to his knees and began to worship Weasley, much to my amazement and Weasley's delight.

To spare my poor mother, who will have to read this, I will not describe what those pair of filthy queers got up to, but I will leave it to my father's imagination. All I will say is, they needed a bath afterwards, and I was having none of it.

Why did this have to happen?

Just as I thought that I actually could have feelings for both Sexy Sevvie and not-so-ickle Ronniekins...

I had better shut up now.

My family have no skeletons in our closets! (Well, maybe father, but that was an unsuspecting pensioner who father relieved of her pension. Very thoroughly. Some loss of life may have been involved.)

ANYWAY!!! There is NO closet for moi, Monsieur Draco Alphonsus Malfoy to come out of, if you catch my drift.

Nope, not no way, not no how. (Oh, and please forget my middle name.)

I'll just add in closing that Snape and Weasley have eloped.

Right.

Ginny is confused, Hermione is vomiting and weeping, Potter is sulking, Pansy is blinking in horror and Blaise is shaking with laughter. Lupin is rolling around on the ground, extremely stoned and laughing manically.

Snape and Weasley left me a letter.

Snape's read:

My dearest Draco,

The truth is, I love you too much. My love would consume you (ew, ew, ew, ew!) if I was to remain with you, and so I must leave.

Please forgive me.

All my love, forever and always,

Your darling Severus.

Quite frankly, I agree with Mum. I do need therapy. Beginning right now, and courtesy of "Sexy" Sevvie.

Weasley's was infinitely worse, however. It went:

Draco,

You have never committed yourself fully to me. At last, I have found someone who will treat me as I have always meant to be treated - like a leather-wearing, highly kinky prince. Severus even gave me a crown! Did you ever do that for me? Nooooo!!

Tell Hermione I never meant to hurt her, and tell Harry that it was just a fling. Ginny is not to know the full truth, as I want at least one of my siblings to be straight. Mostly for Mum and Dad's sakes.

I hope that one day you can be as happy as I am now.

Love,

Ronald

Yes, another typical night on this quest. No sign of Voldemort, no evidence of those odd happenings that Dumbledore mentioned, no attempts on my life (but plenty on my virtue, although I'm sure that disappeared about six years ago) but lots of disturbing advances from Weasley and Sevvie.

Right now, I'm writing in my journal. I'm wet, aggravated and bleeding from several leech-induced wounds.

So, as you can tell, I'm feeling great.

I may have to resort to caps again.

But I have none left!

And Lupin won't share!

Tinkerty-tonk,

Draco the Softly Weeping