Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

Second Entry: September 1^st (Evening)

Oh Christ... what kind of trip was I on?

We were real mellow, smoking some joints and just getting to that point where everything makes sense, everyone is your best mate and you sing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' cause it just feels right...when Crabbe pulled out a velvet-lined case, and inside it were what looked like mushrooms... albeit rather small and twisted looking mushrooms.

'One is OK,' he slurred. 'Two is wild, and three you is kerrr-azzzy...'

I took eight. Within moments of downing the first three, Crabbe and Goyle had turned into bikini-wearing gorillas, the Ravenclaw girls were giggling and snogging, passing a shroom into each other's mouths, and Granger was sitting in the luggage rack babbling like a madwoman: 'OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD-OHGAWD OOOOH .... MYYYYY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!!!!'

I think I may have slipped the last five into her pumpkin juice when she stormed in to demand what was going on. (Madam Pomfrey has ordered an inspection into the affair, and the trolley dolly has been sacked. Woops. However, Granger is in the hospital wing. Last I saw of her she was clobbering Weasley around the head. Hee hee...all in a good day's work!)

Weasley started pole dancing...despite the fact that he didn't take any. Probably didn't want to get into trouble, and yet try to look cool, the big git.

But then, I did the stupidest thing ever. I cannot get over it, with my high standards, this has brought my average down from A+ to at least a D-.

I snogged Pansy Parkinson!!!

I've used several scouring charms on my mouth and tongue, and despite blood issuing from my gums I still feel unclean.

Why couldn't it have been Granger...or even Goyle? They would both have been preferable over that heifer.

Ah well. On another disgusting note, Snape propositioned me again.

Father says it's all in my head, and that Snape is a very dear old friend of his. Admittedly, he did go all misty-eyed and start rambling on about his mad stag night in the Wizard's Quarter of Amsterdam, when he and "Sexy Sevvie"...mercifully he trailed off, coughed and told me to go to bed.

Anyway, I was going to the Common Room after the feast when Snape collared me and said, 'Well, well, well! Draco "Stud Muffin" Malfoy has returned to Hogwarts!'

I tried to wiggle away and yelped something like, 'GEROFF!' but Sevvie was not to be dissuaded. He started rubbing my inner thigh with his wand and purred, 'I know I shall have to examine you most thoroughly this term, Master Malfoy. Believe me, I'll be riding you before this year is out.'

What part is in my head again, Daddy?

Then again, Snape wouldn't look so awful if he'd just wash his hair once in a while.

He's certainly preferable over Pansy Parkinson, who is acting like some sort of human leech. She attached herself to my arm and drooled on my neck until I vomited all over her "best" robes.

She ran off crying.

This is an added bonus. Blaise says that Pansy poured her heart out to her, saying that I think she's hideous, ugly and boring.

I found this so funny I nigh on wet myself! It's as if she can read my mind.

Blaise seemed to agree, and when she said that Pansy bawled even more when she giggled (this was at the moment when Pansy said that I must think she's too fat) it set us off again.

Ended up getting freaky on the sofa. Blaise Zabini has been thoroughly debauched!

And in the immortal words of Cassandra Claire (I think she may be a past student or something)...GO ME!!

How good am I, though, really? Only back at school less than fourteen hours, and already getting laid. Another notch on my antique bedpost.

On a darker note, Potter was skulking around outside the Common Room. Sent Crabbe and Goyle out to tell him to bugger off, and I could hear him every so often between screams.

'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO MALFOY, AND I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!' he shrieked. Fortunately, Goyle was kind enough to offer Potter a knuckle sandwich, on which he soon lost two teeth.

Ah well. Potter will be back to normal by tomorrow.

Maybe those two gorillas beat him until he was good looking...

Wait a minute, scratch that thought.

Potter would die before that'd ever happen!

Good night.