Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

DRACO'S DIARY

SIXTH YEAR

First Entry: September 1^st

Stupid mother. Insisting I write a journal as part of my therapy. Why do I need therapy, might I ask? A Malfoy, pouring out his problems to some shrink is not an appealing idea. The psychiatrist says I have chronic narcissism and a tendency to be very histrionic. Apparently, that means I'm self-obsessed and have to be the centre of attention all the time. Stupid fucking psychiatrist.

Oh, well. Father managed to get the guy's lips and nose back on properly, but his eyebrows are permanently stuck to his butt cheeks. Let's find someone willing to counsel HIM!

Back to school again. Actually did really well in my OWLs, got an Outstanding in Potions and Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology. Only got an Exceeds Expectations in Transfiguration. Stupid Potter. Made me lose concentration! He distracted me! And he always does it...stupid Boy Who Lived.

Father has promised me two PlayWizard Nymphs if I ignore Potter and do well this term. I intend on getting "outstanding" results in absolutely everything. Mother may not approve of his tactics, but for PlayWizard nymphs, I would do anything. ANYTHING. I'd probably even screw McGonagall, Filch, Granger, Weasley and Potter all at once for that!

Hear he won't be living for long, though! Father wrote me from Azkaban last week; says that gimp boy Potter is in deep, deep cacky with You-Know-Who.

On an even happier note, have received seventeen love letters since boarding the Hogwarts Express. Suspect three were from Pansy Parkinson. *shudders* Excuse me while I vomit up my cauldron cakes.

Two from Blaise, five from younger Slytherins, five from other houses, even *pukes* Gryffindor. And two...two were from little Miss Weasley, I'm sure. Signed in scarlet ink, and a single red hair "accidentally" left in the envelope. She has a very manly signature, actually. Plus that, her brother's idiot little owl - Pig or whatever the Slytherin he calls the thing - delivered it.

Can you believe what it said?

My dearest, darling Draco.

You slide into my dreams each night.

I wish that you would slide between my sheets
and keep me company.

Kisses and other obscene things,

Guess Who?

Hmm...I guess that "Virginia" Weasley wasn't such an apt name, after all. Quite frankly, I'm shocked! A Weasley and a Malfoy? That's like...like...chocolate and...hamburger! It just shouldn't go together!

Although...I will say that she has one hell of an arse. Grade A, first class...haute hot ass! Probably covered in bright red hair though. Yeuch.

Stopped by Potter and company's compartment to spread some misery. Weasley looked like he was going to puke when he saw me. Probably knew his sister sent me that putrid note. It'd explain why his bloody ears were purple, and also why he nearly suffocated on his chocolate frog.

Unfortunately, Granger did the Heimlich manoeuvre on the rusty retard and saved his life. Stupid Granger.

Ah, well. Going down to the Prefects Carriage. Goyle has some Grade A hash rolled and waiting for me. Perfect! I'll get stoned, maybe get pissed too...and hopefully get laid!

Write later.

Tinkerty-tonk,

Draco the Magnificent/Glorious/Beautiful/Sexy/Incredible/and so on/and so forth...