Draco's Diary (It's Secret, Ya Know)

Third Entry: September 2^nd (Evening)

Successfully managed to evade Snape all day. YAAAAY!!

Unfortunately, have Double Potions tomorrow so cannot escape that. Also have escaped Pansy Parkinson all day.

Crabbe tells me Parkinson is still sobbing. I think Crabbe may have a thing for her. Now, Crabbe may not be the prettiest boy in the playground, but come on, man! You have to have standards.

I may have snogged the beast, but that was down to mitigating circumstances. I was high on the weirdest shrooms in existence, for Slytherin's sake!!

Speaking of being high, father sent me another letter. He says that Azkaban seems to be turning into a Dark Wizards Support Group, or maybe some kind of sensitivity training. They discuss their feelings over tea and cauldron cakes every evening, and have arts and crafts each morning.

It sounds more like a "special" school to me. Father says that he is working through his obsession with "Severus" and that hopefully he and mother will get back together once he's out.

Anyway - big surprise! We have a new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher!

Just who didn't see that one coming?

Professor Ophelia Beatrice Have. (Pronounced HAV) In initials, O.B. Have. Get it, "oh, behave"?

I was the only one to notice it; everyone else was too busy giggling at her first name. It's from Shakespeare! Good old Billy Shakespeare was a squib, though, not everyone knows that.

She doesn't seem so interested in teaching as she does in Potter. Stupid Boy-Who-Lived. She was fawning all over him while he blushed and looked at the ground. For goodness sake, Potter! When a woman "accidentally" drops her wand on your lap and stoops to retrieve it, you DON'T GIGGLE LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!!

Professor Have quite smouldering, actually. Wouldn't mind if she dropped her wand on my crotch.

But, yes, that's right. I'm stuck with the Gryffindor Gonads for Double D.A.D.A. this year!

Blaise made some kind f remark about Harry getting "extra tuition," causing Granger to roll her eyes, and Weasley gave me some kind of look. I stuck my tongue out at him, and he squawked like a dyspeptic chicken. Granger turned purple, and slapped Weasley hard.

What is going on with those two?

One minute he's telling her she's a know-all and she's telling him he's about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican (well done, Granger!), and the next they're rushing off to the Astronomy Tower for what Granger calls "studying".

Studying, my arse!

The only thing they're studying is how they could possibly improve on their looks. Probably looking up books with titles like, "Desperate Magic for Desperate Causes", or maybe even looking up Muggle Plastic Surgeons.

Weasley cornered Blaise at the end of D.A.D.A., and exchanged very conspiratorial whispers with her. Blaise's jaw dropped, and now she won't look directly at me. Weasley probably told her he fancies her.

Stupid Weasley.

I waited for Blaise after D.A.D.A. and propositioned her with, 'Want to make sweet love?' and she turned puce and ran off. Most disturbing. Someone not being aroused by the Malfoy charm? Probably part of her being a redhead.

Speaking of redheads, another six love letters came from Miss Weasley. Once again delivered courtesy of Swine. (Or is it Pig? I can never remember.)

Each one as disgusting as the last, but the final one really took the cauldron cake. A poem, spelling out the letters of my name. Shakespeare it ain't, but I think I may have to frame this one. It seemed to capture how wonderful I really am.

D - is because he's diabolically fine,

R - is cause he's ravishing all the time,

A - is for his sexy arse without hairs,

C - is for the crazy thongs I hope he wears,

O - is cause he's oh so FINE!!

Draco Malfoy, won't you be mine?

I wrote back:

I am aware of all these things. I just don't know if you and I should get it together. Your brothers may hunt me down with torches and pitchforks. Meet me tonight in the Room of Requirement...I'll be there with bells on!

Draco the Magnificent.

I got a note back some fifteen minutes afterward, saying:

With bells on? That sounds very, very kinky. Don't worry about my brothers, they'll understand. As a matter of fact, I think they went in for this kind of relationship themselves. I mean, Percy was sleeping with Barty Crouch wasn't he?

I'll be there at midnight, my beloved...

Love and kisses...

Weasley the Wonderful.

What the...?

Maybe I have the wrong Weasley?

Ah, well. Beer goggles at the ready just in case!

I'm off to the Room of Requirement. Wish me luck, and hope that it's at least the female Weasley.

Tinkerty-Tonk,

Draco the Diabolically, Devilishly Gorgeous.

P.S. Maybe this journal ain't such a bad idea after all!

Fourth Entry: September 3^rd (Some time in the early morning)

Never found out which Weasley it was.

Filch caught me as I was strolling by the Room of Requirement, wishing for it to be filled with lots of pillows and unbreakable condoms.

He threatened me with being chained up in the dungeons.

Now this wouldn't be so bad if I had Blaise, or Miss Weasley to accompany me.

But Filch...?

Now, I know I'm 16, and to guys my age sex is sex after all.

Any port in a storm, what?

But Filch? And especially after Pansy Parkinson? That would make me seem more than a little desperate.

He reported me to Snape.

Damn, damn, damn!

Now Sevvie is going to have the notion of me chained up in dungeons stuck in his head for the rest of the term at least!!

Stupid Filch.

Get him back somehow.

Still, managed to smuggle in a crate of Firewhiskey. Will hopefully be blind drunk come the morning!

Tinkerty-Tonk and goodnight,

Draco.