The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #10 - Post Hogwarts (Part One)

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Sub-Cliché the First - Post Apocalyptic War Zone

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[INT: BARREN WASTELAND]

~ HARRY and his CHUMS have REDEFINED the word 'MISERY' ~

HARRY

My life is even more shit than when the original series started.

~ He YEARNS for his OLD LIFE of SMILES and SUNSHINE ~

HARRY

I am so depressed. I was unable to stop Voldemort from completely fucking up the universe. I suck. What would Jesus do?

JESUS

Leave me alone.

HARRY

I will now weep uncontrollably and leave the readers to speculate as to exactly what happened between Hogwarts and now, because I'll be damned if I know what's going on.

~ We are SPOON-FED some CRAP about the 'Resistance' FAILING and the DEATH EATERS learning how to use TANKS or HYPNOTISM or some other INEPT storyline ~

RON

Hey Harry. Have you noticed that we are almost never close friends in these fics?

HARRY

Yeah I have. Do you think it has anything to do with Hermione's murder/suicide/kidnapping?

RON

Maybe.

~ They CONTEMPLATE the PAST ~

RON

Anyways, let's assemble our ragtag bunch of unconventional wannabe heroes!

HARRY

Roll call! The grizzled anarchist guerrilla leader?

LT. JAKE McKILL

Here! Let's use extreme violence to solve all our problems!

~ He pulls out his BAZOOKA and strikes a HEROIC POSE ~

HARRY

The nerdy guy?

NIGEL P. GEEK

I am heavily equipped with whimsical, nerd-like gadgets! Check out my newest invention - the Condomaster! It turns rocks into condoms!

~ He SNORTS heavily. He is UNCOOL and will probably DIE in the next TWO PARAGRAPHS ~

HARRY

The tough feminist?

GERTRUDE STRONG

All men are pigs! I shall take down Voldemort myself - Xena, Warrior Princess style!

~ She SNEERS at everyone but SECRETLY craves LOVE ~

HARRY

The shady former Death Eater whom everybody suspects?

DRACO

Right here!

~ He looks UNTRUSTWORTHY ~

RON

Malfoy? What are you doing here?

DRACO

Creating intrigue and tension by looking shady as hell.

RON

Wow. We must have gotten progressively dumber since the end of the series. Remind me again why we trust you?

DRACO

You don't. I am so unreliable it's not even funny.

~ DRACO and RON exchange PITIFUL INSULTS for a TOTAL of SEVEN minutes ~

RON

Oh yeah? Well your Mama was so fat she .... Erm, ate a .... Really large ...ahem, pie ... and..... everything.

HARRY

Alright you two, cut the witless banter. Let's go to our extremely noticeable hideout until it's time for the secondary characters to be killed in a bloody massacre.

SECONDARY CHARACTERS

What?

HARRY

Oh come off it. Like you were ever meant to be an important part of the storyline. I mean, 'Gertrude Strong' - what kind of name is that? The author obviously didn't put any effort into your characters.

SECONDARY CHARACTERS

Even shallow, one-dimensional, non-existent people have feelings too, you know.

~ They STALK around, LOOKING at THINGS. Then they HIDE. Then they CREEP SILENTLY in the SHADOWS. This PROCEDURE is repeated NO LESS than SIXTY-THREE times ~

HARRY

Wow. It's amazing how fast this turned into a bad B-grade action thriller.

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[INT: FORT ETHICS - AKA 'The Hideout']

HARRY

Watch me sink slowly into depression.

~ He SITS around looking POUTY ~

READERS

This is exactly like an angst fic. How dull.

HARRY

No it isn't! It is a fresh, new concept! We've taken Drama to a whole new level!

~ HARRY sniffs PETROL because he is UPSET with LIFE. This represents his PROFOUND and PSYCOLOGICAL pain ~

HARRY

Everything that is wrong with the world is my fault.

RON

What about cancer?

HARRY

Me

RON

Pollution?

HARRY

Me.

RON

Poverty?

HARRY

All me.

RON

Big Brother - Series Four?

HARRY

Hmm.... Better not claim responsibility for that one.

SATAN

That's right! Credit where credit is due - Muahahaha!

~ The PRINCE of DARKNESS leaves to plan SERIES FIVE ~

RON

Well - after that awkward cameo, what do you want to do now?

HARRY

Mope. Then maybe I'll attempt suicide. Then lunch.

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[EXT: EVIL CASTLE OF DOOM]

~ VOLDEMORT is planning EVIL ~

READERS

Oh - how original. Note the sarcasm.

VOLDEMORT

Be quiet readers! I am going to summarise the fic.

(ahem)

The wizarding world is now at my disposal. I have killed, tortured, raped and wedgied all who stood in my way. I have money, power, concubines and a weekend apartment in Ibiza. But somehow.... I am still not happy, Wormtail.

~ We are immediately DISTRESSED to find that PETER is still ALIVE and KICKIN' ~

WORMTAIL

You are discontented, my Lord? Do you think that it has anything to do with the fact that you are a fucking insane maniac psycho tyrant?

~ WORMTAIL realises that he has JUST MADE an INTELLIGENT comment ~

WORMTAIL

Erm, I meant - "And why is that, M'Lord?"

VOLDEMORT

Because that infernal Harry Potter is still alive! You have no idea how bad that makes me look. My Public Relations consultant is not happy. And when my PR consultant is not happy, then I AM NOT HAPPY!

~ He makes things EXPLODE. The CHEESY setting and crackly LIGHTNING effects UNDERMINE the SERIOUSNESS of the scene ~

VOLDEMORT

We must find and kill him. Now.

~ GINNY the EVIL CONCUBINE enters ~

GINNY

Yes, yes. I'm evil. Get over it, Weasley fans.

(ahem)

Tommy darling? Do you want your bubble bath now or later?

VOLDEMORT

Later. For tonight ..... Potter dies!

~ DRAMATIC music EMPHASISES his MALEVOLENCE. There are SEVERAL minutes of CACKLING laughter ~

WORMTAIL

Perfect! Erm ..... where does Harry live exactly?

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[INT: FORT ETHICS - AKA "The Hideout"]

~ There is a SUSPICIOUS-SOUNDING knock at the DOOR ~

HARRY

Guys! Prepare for an attack!

JAKE McKILL

Kill it! Kill it!

RON

Since when do our enemies use the doorbell?

~ DRACO edges towards the DOOR - looking UNTRUSTWORTHY ~

DRACO

Who is it?

VOICE (O.S)

Avon Lady!

JAKE McKILL

Kill it! Kill it!

~ The door SWINGS open, revealing ---- an AVON LADY ~

ALL

Phew!

(pause)

I mean ..... Arrrgh!

AVON LADY

Have I told you about our limited edition 'Heaven In A Bottle' cream yet? In these times of great depression and sickness and death, it's still important to cleanse your pores daily! If you purchase our ---

~ VOLDEMORT and his MINIONS leap out from BEHIND the AVON LADY ~

VOLDEMORT

Potter, you suck at being a fugitive!

HARRY

Damn! I knew I shouldn't have included this address in the Yellow Pages!

~ VOLDEMORT begins firing EVIL SPELLS at random. MIRACULOUSLY, nobody is HURT ~

SECONDARY CHARACTERS

Hey! How can you say that? We all died horribly!

~ MIRACULOUSLY, nobody IMPORTANT is HURT ~

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[INT: A SAFE PLACE]

~ The PRIMARY CHARACTERS are SAFE. We all breathe a SIGH of RELIEF ~

HARRY

Damnit! Our evil resistance force is failing! Oh - why can't I do anything right? Why must I be doomed to cause the death of innocents? Why must I shoulder the burden all alone? If only I were a better ---

RON / DRACO

Shut up.

~ HARRY CRIES because he is SENSITIVE and TRAUMATISED ~

HARRY

See? Even my best friend hates me! What have I done to deserve this treatment, Ron?

RON

Well, for one, you turned into a whiny little bitch. And secondly, you made hamburgers out of my pet owl.

~ GINNY the EVIL CONCUBINE interrupts this STIRRING dialogue with an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT ~

GINNY

I'm not actually evil. I'm a double-agent - only pretending to be diabolically evil and slutty so that I can pass on valuable information to the do-gooders.

~ Somehow, this makes GINNY even LESS COOL than she was BEFORE ~

HARRY

Wonderful! Do you have any valuable information to aid us in our quest for justice?

GINNY

Voldemort really likes strawberry milkshakes. And bubble baths in the nude.

~ PAUSE ~

HARRY

Get out.

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[INT: SOME WAR-TORN CRAPHOLE]

~ RON and HARRY are sorting out their UNRESOLVED ANGST ~

RON

....and that's how I learned the true meaning of Christmas.

HARRY

Wow! What an inspiring conversation! I am now filled with team spirit and believe that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to! We can do it! All for one and one for all! Even Malfoy, who I have a sudden inexplicable fondness for!

(pause)

Hey - where is he?

DRACO

Here he is, your Dark Lordyness. I brought you straight to him, just like I said I would!

~ DRACO is awarded a GOLD STAR of MERIT ~

VOLDEMORT

Excellent. Now I can kill you, once and for all! Any last words, Potter?

(pause)

Jeez - how many times have I said that now?

EVERYONE

Twelve, at least.

HARRY

Actually, I do have something to say. You seem to have forgotten a very important factor in all of this, my dear Voldemort.

~ He SMIRKS knowingly ~

VOLDEMORT

Oh? What is it?

HARRY

I may be weak and tired, and this may not be an actual canon storyline - but I am still the main character. And thus, by the laws of fiction - I CANNOT DIE!

~ HARRY defeats the DARK LORD with his IMMORTAL MAIN CHARACTER powers of ETERNAL DOOM ~

RON

Well, that was even easier than usual. I didn't even have to be mortally wounded!

~ It is now POST-CONFLICT CONFRONTATION time ~

HARRY

Draco! You betrayed us! Who would have thought that you would turn out to be a traitor, even though every sentence with your name also included the word 'Untrustworthy'? I am so surprised - and the readers should be too!

READERS

Nope.

~ DRACO tries to DEFEND himself and his UNTRUSTWORTHINESS ~

DRACO

I didn't betray you. I only pretended to betray you, so that I could gain the trust of the Death Eaters, and aid the Dark Lord's downfall. Just like Ginny did! Look at the truthfulness and emotion in my eyes! Look!

~ He EMULATES false INNOCENCE ~

RON

Stop that.

HARRY

But what if you are only saying that to gain OUR trust, now that you know that we have won?

~ This makes us THINK ~

DRACO

But what if I wasn't?

HARRY

But what if you were? And if that were true, then shouldn't you have told us about your plan? Like Ginny did?

~ This makes DRACO THINK ~

DRACO

Ginny is stupid.

HARRY

.............

RON

.............

GREG

............

DRACO

............

GINNY

............

HARRY

I'm confused. Let's just try to rebuild society.

GINNY

Wait! Just because Voldemort is dead, that doesn't mean that his thousands of minions are!

HARRY

Yes it does.

~ They create a UTOPIAN culture where EVERYBODY lives in TOLERANCE and HARMONY. Everybody is CONTENT with life. HARRY still sniffs PETROL because he is IRREVERSABLY damaged ~

DRACO

Hah! I got away with betrayal! Take that, Peter Pettigrew!

[FIN]

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