The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue

Cliché #10 - Part 2 (Post Hogwarts)

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Sub-Cliché the Second - Happy Families

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[EXT: PLATFORM 9 and ¾]

~ PEOPLE are MILLING about. It is roughly TWENTY years since the END of the SERIES. Absolutely NOTHING has changed ANYWHERE ~

RANDOM PERSON

Oh look everyone! It's Harry Potter and his family!

~ There is a HALO of PERPETUAL GOODNESS hovering over HARRY and his PICTURE-PERFECT family ~

CHORUS

Our saviour!

HARRY

Wow. Everything is still as I remember it! And I still haven't developed a personality, in case you were wondering.

HOGWARTS EXPRESS

Toot toot! I am still shiny and red. Look at me Harry, and reminisce about the Golden Years of your youth.

~ HARRY has numerous FLASHBACKS to the FIRST BOOK ~

HARRY

I am a famous Quidditch player-slash-Auror now. How original. Let me introduce you to my faultless family.

~ The POTTERS assemble ~

HARRY

Since Hermione married Ron and Ginny married Malfoy, I was forced to elope with a random nameless female character. Possibly Cho Chang.

~ We ALREADY HATE her ~

HARRY

Don't worry readers, you won't be hearing from her much.

WIFE

I have no personality also! Whee!

HARRY

And here are my two wonderful children, who have been poignantly named after my dead parents. Either that, or I have no imagination.

~ We ALL select the SECOND option ~

JAMES POTTER Jr

I look exactly like Harry! Isn't that cool?

~ JAMES POTTER Snr ROTATES in his GRAVE ~

HEDWIG

I'm still alive! That's even cooler, no matter how inaccurate or implausible!

HARRY

Life is so splendidly wonderful I think I just may sing.

~ A large gathering of FILTHY-RICH BASTARDS enter ~

DRACO

Hello everyone. Look at how rich and smug I still am. But Ginny and I have married, so that obviously means I have been redeemed.

(sigh)

...Again.

~ HARRY is SLIGHTLY JEALOUS for SOME REASON ~

DRACO

We have given all of our children weird, incomprehensible Latin names.

QUARALIULIUMALUS MALFOY

I hate you, Dad.

~ We COLLECTIVELY feel SORRY for the MALFOY CHILDREN ~

MAGNUS MALFOY

Apparently, my siblings and I serve as a constant reminder that future cross-breeding between Malfoys and Weasleys is something to be avoided at all costs. I must have the most mixed up personality in the world.

~ He FLASHES something which is HALFWAY between a SMIRK and a SMILE ~

LUCIA MALFOY

Yeah, I know what you mean. Should I be snide and rude or happy and boisterous?

QUARALIULIUMALUS

You're the youngest. You get to be carefree and innocent. I am the oldest and a male - so by the laws of fiction, I must take after my father. Therefore I am a jerk, but in a tolerable redeemed sort of way.

EVERYONE

What?

QUARALIULIUMALUS

I'm basically fanon Draco with a slightly stupider name.

EVERYONE

Oh.

~ To COMPLETE the ENEMBLE - a GARGANTUAN CLUSTER of WEASLEYS arrive ~

HERMIONE

I have had six children! And I still look fabulous!

~ We all HATE her and curse her with STRETCH MARKS ~

RON

Hooray! R/H power forever! We did it! Up yours, H/H shippers!

~ The H/H shippers GO MAD with RAGE and SPAM the AUTHOR with LINKS to EROTIC H/H fanfiction ~

PAUL WEASLEY

Hi everybody! Don't bother trying to remember my name. There are about fifteen hundred fucking Weasleys running around this story, and you'll never be able to tell the difference between us.

~ SIRIUS BLACK enters, still looking DEAD SEXY - despite being around RETIREMENT AGE ~

SIRIUS

I have children too! Never mind how!

DONNA BLACK

I am not quite as sexy as my father. But that is obviously because I am only a first year.

NEARLY EVERY SINGLE KID

I'm going into first year too!

~ EVERYBODY stands around in AWKWARD SILENCE ~

REMUS LUPIN

How it is that you all had children at the exact same time?

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[INT: SAME OLD HOGWARTS]

~ The SORTING HAT is brought out. It has NOT CHANGED and still CANNOT RHYME for CRAP ~

SORTING HAT (singing)

Eh. You know the drill. Gryffindor rules, Slytherin drools. Don't look at me like that. You know, there are only so many words that rhyme with 'chivalrous'.

~ The SORTING HAT begins sorting NEARLY EVERYBODY into GRYFFINDOR and SLYTHERIN, since these are the ONLY two houses that EXIST in the minds of the READERSHIP ~

HERMIONE

I'm here, taking over McGonagall's role of 'Transfiguration Swot' and 'Uptight Dictator of Gryffindor House'. I even have the same bun!

~ She looks STRICT and BOSSY but this is TOLERABLE and FAIR since she is a SAINTLY GRYFFINDOR ~

McGONAGALL

Dumbledore is dead. Something about Voldemort or expired cheese or something. I'm Headmistess in his place. Girl Power!

SNAPE

(glower)

~ The SORTING continues. Then something AMAZING and UNEXPECTED happens. A MALFOY is sorted into GRYFFINDOR! We are all MEANT to be ASTONISHED but AREN'T ~

EVERYONE

Shock! Horror! Surprise!

LUCIA MALFOY

Oh great! Now I have to associate with some recent incarnation of Neville Longbottom! And I have a feeling this is going to cause some kind of tension with my Dad.

DRACO

Damn straight! I am going to be bitterly disappointed with you, despite the glaringly obvious fact that I fell in love with, and married, a Gryffindor.

(pause)

But this is completely different!

LUCIA

Why are you here? And, more importantly, why did you apparently name me after your father, who you presumably hate?

~ DRACO disappears HURRIEDLY - only to RETURN fifteen seconds LATER ~

DRACO

Oh - I remember now! I'm the new Defense teacher!

(pause)

Or was it Potions? Ahh - who cares?

~ He takes a seat at the HIGH TABLE - which is FILLED to CAPACITY with HARRY'S FORMER CLASSMATES ~

SNAPE

Well that just settles it. I am in Hell.

SEAMUS FINNIGAN

Didn't you know? Nearly all of the previous Hogwarts alumni teach here now. We've had to invent dozens of bogus new positions just to accommodate the sheer number of them!

~ EVERY SINGLE PERSON from the 2002 HOGWARTS CLASS LIST waves ENERGETICALLY at the NEXT GENERATION ~

LAVENDER BROWN

I teach Advanced Wand Wiggling!

PARVATI PATIL

I teach Electromagical Rasttomocide! It doesn't mean anything - but sounds so cool!

RON

I wash McGonagall's car on Sundays!

~ They RATTLE off countless BULLSHIT PROFESSIONS that are SUPPOSED to appear CREDIBLE but just look like the end result of a DYSLEXIC SCRABBLE GAME ~

DEAN THOMAS

I'm an assistant house-elf!

~ Everyone LOOKS at DEAN with PITY ~

DRACO

Wow - that's low. How do you sleep at night?

DEAN

Under your bed!

~ They all RUN AWAY ~

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[INT: AT THE GRYFFINDOR TABLE]

~ The AUTHOR is ATTEMPTING to introduce some FAMILIARITY by completely RIPPING OFF the CANON characters ~

NIGEL LONGBOTTOM

Oops! I have accidentally set the Great Hall on fire!

~ He LAUGHS CLUMSILY ~

NIGEL

I'm a chip off the old block!

LILY POTTER II

We all are, Nigel. Doesn't it bother any of you that we have no personalities of our own?

LUCIA

Hey! I resent that in a highly resentful way. I'm nothing like my father.

~ She flips her RED hair around and PINES after JAMES in a manner ODDLY REMINISCENT of GINNY ~

PLUMPY DURSLEY

Wow! A Dursley at Hogwarts! You've never seen anything like me before, have you?

DUDLEY

Sniff. I'm so unnaturally proud of you, son. It seems I have overcome the prejudices of my family and become a good and decent person.

VARIOUS PEOPLE

Heheheh. You're still fat, though. This makes me laugh.

~ They LAUGH and JOKE because FAT equals FUNNY ~

PLUMPY

I'm big boned, dammit!

~ MEANWHILE --- ROB WEASLEY is acting like a LOVEABLE BUFFOON ~

ROB WEASLEY

I have a secret crush on Lucia. A Malfoy! Did you hear that? Mal-foy!

(pause)

Does this count as character development? What do you think, previously unmentioned twin sister?

HARMONIE WEASLEY

Exams! We must study! Study, study, study! Do I remind you of anyone?

~ She REPEATEDLY begins HITTING people over the HEAD with 'HOGWARTS: A HISTORY' ~

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[INT: TRANSFIGURATION CLASS]

~ One of the WEASLEY children is PLANNING MISCHIEF. JAMES is being GOOD and MORAL ~

KEVIN WEASLEY

Psst! Harry! Erm - I mean .... James! Over here!

JAMES

What?

KEVIN

Wanna put some dungbombs down the Slytherin's pants?

(snicker)

Think about it! Dungbombs! Pants! This is golden stuff Potter!

~ The AUTHORS of MARAUDER-CENTRIC fics all take NOTES ~

JAMES

Wait .... Aren't you Percy's son?

KEVIN

No, no, no. Percy's kids are Pauly, Priscilla, Pip, Pervy, Prince, Paris and Morris. I'm one of Fred Weasley's kids - evidenced by my fun-loving nature and roguish smile.

~ He looks MISCHIEVOUS and CHARMING. We IMMEDIATELY like him, but will have FORGOTTEN his name in THREE PARAGRAPHS anyway ~

JAMES

Aren't you in another grade?

KEVIN

I'm not sure. There's so many damn Weasleys running about, I'm surprised we haven't been given our own House, really. But that's not the point. Don't you want to become a clichéd scallywag like me?

JAMES

Nah, sorry. I'm already a part of a ragtag bunch of troublemakers. With Rob, Harmonie and Lucia, to be precise. We have been terrorising the school with our witty pranks and ingenious gags.

(pause)

We're called 'The Prankster-Makers!'

KEVIN

That's the stupidest name I've ever heard. It's not even grammatically correct.

~ We IMMEDIATELY HATE him for making fun of our BELOVED PROTAGONISTS who STRIKINGLY resemble our ORIGINAL BELOVED PROTAGONISTS ~

KEVIN

Oh well. While we're here - you wanna throw things at Professor Snape?

JAMES

But we're not even in Potions.

~ PAUSE ~

KEVIN

Stop doing that!

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[INT: HISTORY OF MAGIC]

~ PROFESSOR BINNS is boring the SHIT out of EVERYONE ~

BINNS

And so that concludes my stunningly uninteresting lecture of the Great Floo Shortage of Thursday Afternoon.

READERS

Sigh. Eight pages in - and still no sign of a plot. Or a joke. Or any character development. Come to think of it - this fic bites.

~ SEVERAL READERS give the AUTHOR a RUDE REVIEW and LEAVE ~

BINNS

....Now, if you'll open up to page 666 of your textbook "Lord Voldemort and Me", please? We can begin our work on exposing the grizzly and shady pasts of all your parents. This should create conflict and angst, as many of you have been kept in the dark about the Great Contrived War of 1991 to 2006.

~ He REVEALS many GRITTY family secrets in a way REMINISCENT of that JERK who tells everyone how MAGICIANS do their TRICKS ~

CLASS

Wow! Finally, something interesting!

REMAINING READERS

Not really.

~ We are FORCED to listen to FIVE minutes of DRIBBLE about how HARRY is the GREATEST PERSON IN EXISTENCE ~

JAMES

Pfft ... I knew that already! And I already have unresolved angst about not being able to live up to his standards. Where's the shocking revelation?

BINNS

.....Nobody is quite sure exactly *how* Harry Potter managed to kill the most fearsome and evil man in history, armed only with a slightly aggressive dog, a set of chopsticks and his thick-headed wimp companion Ron Weasley.......

ROB

Hey!

BINNS

.......Perhaps we shall never know. Mr Potter still shows no sign of revealing his secrets. But one thing remains for sure. It is a mystery. A mystery. A MYSTERY.

~ He looks SIGNIFICANTLY at JAMES ~

DONNA BLACK

Why did you repeat that last part so many times?

BINNS

It's called 'foreshadowing'.

~ JAMES reacts PREDICTABLY ~

JAMES

Hmm. My Dad is obviously hiding something. I must figure out what it is, no matter how much it damages me psychologically. I mean, it's not like he'd be hiding it for a good reason or anything, right?

BINNS

Shhh! I have more secrets to divulge.

~ DRACO is EXPOSED as a DEATH EATER ~

LUCIA

Ahh! Now it is my turn for surprise angst! How could he? Father always told me he got that skull tattoo after a particularly wild night with Professor Flitwick!

ROB

And you believed that? Not too smart, are you? Are your parents cousins or something?

LUCIA

No. And speaking of cousins - aren't you in love with me?

ROB

Yeah.

LUCIA

And your father is Ron Weasley and my mother is Ginny Weasley?

ROB

Yeah? So?

~ There is an UNCOMFORTABLE pause in which the AUTHOR realises her ERROR and tries to think of a SAFE WAY OUT~

AUTHOR

Errrrrrr.......

~ DRACO enters SUDDENLY to HASTILY DISPELL the implied INCEST ~

DRACO

By the way Lucia - you are the daughter I had illegitimately with another mystery woman who was not Ginny Weasley. Please don't be mad.

~ He DISAPPEARS as INEXPLICABLY as he ARRIVED ~

LUCIA

I will react in virtually no way to this revelation.

ROB

Phew! We aren't related!

~ They MAKE OUT behind the DESK ~

READERS

That was a really cheap way to get out of that. I think I hate you.

AUTHOR

Calm down! Every damn character in this story is at least half Weasley anyway! It's hard NOT to have inter-family relations!

~ We feel the URGE to FLAME the AUTHOR RELENTLESSLY ~

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[INT: A CORRIDOR]

~ The MALFOY children are discussing IMPORTANT ISSUES, such as WHY their FATHER is an incarnation of PUREST EVIL and WHY they HADN'T NOTICED this BEFORE ~

LUCIA

Oh Quaraliuliumalus!

(pause)

Don't you have some sort of nickname I could use?

QUARALIULIUMALUS

Nope. Although sometimes I enjoy being called 'Betty'.

LUCIA

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

BETTY

Alright.

MAGNUS

So why did you drag us down here, sis? Talking to us can't be good for your 'black sheep of the family' status. It's pretty much the only thing giving you any sort of defining character right now.

~ LUCIA recounts the PLOT, of which there is LITTLE ~

MAGNUS

Wow - our Dad was a Death Eater? It makes you wonder why we older kids never read about that before. I mean, I did that exact same course as you last year and I never.......

LUCIA

Stop making sense, Magnus. You know how much Authors hate that. I get to solve the mystery because I'm the special, unique, socially acceptable one.

BOTH BOYS

I disagree.

~ They SNEER and SET FIRE to random HUFFLEPUFFS~

LUCIA

I'm very obviously the protagonist in this family. I'm in Gryffindor. I think that explains enough, don't you?

~ The BROTHERS scowl like SLYTHERINS. They are UNPLEASANT and we DISLIKE them, but have the strange URGE to REDEEM them in a ROMANCE FIC ~

QUARALIULIUMALUS

Look, I'd love to stand around scowling all day with you, sis. But I'm due to be smirking at some Ravenclaws in about fifteen minutes. Plus I've got some more witty quips to use on my love interests.

(sigh)

Being Fanon!Draco's heir is a full-time job!

~ He PONCES OFF in his LEATHER PANTS to act like a PRETENTIOUS FANON WEIRDO ~

QUARALIULIUMALUS

Man .... These things really ride up your ass.

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[INT: THE HOUSE OF POTTER]

~ JAMES enters to have a SERIOUS CONVERSATION with his DAD ~

HARRY

Hello son. I sense you are troubled. Let's avoid the issue. Tea?

JAMES

No thanks. I need you to act paternal so that we can establish to everyone what a great relationship we have.

~ HARRY and JAMES BOND ~

JAMES

Dad, why don't you ever tell me or Lily what happened the night you defeated Voldemort?

HARRY

Yes son, that Voldemort sure was evil.

~ He LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY ~

JAMES

That doesn't answer my question.

HARRY

Eat your vegetables.

JAMES

Why won't you talk about it?

HARRY

I like Quidditch.

~ HARRY then LAUNCHES into a LECTURE about SAFE SEX or GARDENING or SOME SHIT ~

JAMES

Hmmm. Well, since it is too early in the story to resolve anything yet - I guess I'll just let this one go.

~ He FLIES back to school ILLEGALLY but does NOT GET CAUGHT ~

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[INT: DADA CLASS]

DRACO

Here are some boggarts. I'm sure this scene will be just as funny as it was in the third book.

~ It ISN'T. It is BORING and TRITE and there is NO CROSS-DRESSING ~

SNAPE

That's what you think. But then again - you can't see under my robes, can you?

~ A BOGGART corners MAGNUS and turns into SOMETHING CONTRIVED ~

MAGNUS

Ahhhh! Boggart! Run away! Run away!

~ He RUNS AWAY because he is a COWARDLY SLYTHERIN with NO MORALS ~

DRACO

Dammit! Why did my children all grow up to be such wimps?

READERS

No offense Draco, but you aren't exactly the bravest pie in the tree.

DRACO

What? That doesn't even make sense!

~ JAMES is up NEXT. We all SENSE that it will be a POWERFUL and SIGNIFICANT moment ~

READER #1

It will turn into a Dementor! Just like with Harry!

READER #2

No! It will be Voldemort!

~ We are all WRONG ~

JAMES

Ewwww! Cooties!

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[INT: LIBRARY]

~ The GANG are INVESTIGATING their PARENTS ~

JAMES

This is boring. There hasn't even been a Quidditch game yet, in which I can display my fabulous Seeker skills.

~ They find some IMPORTANT and RARE books which will hold the ANSWERS to EVERYTHING ~

HARMONIE

Gasp! Somebody has ripped out the page we needed! They must be trying to cover up some awful truth!

MOVIE DRACO

That's what you think! Muahahaha!

~ They continue to DISCOVER some more FAIRLY IRRELEVANT things that I CAN'T be BOTHERED to MENTION ~

JAMES

We must confront our parents. I feel sure that it will work this time, even though it has failed countless times before.

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[INT: HEADMASTER'S OFFICE]

~ Since this is the LAST chapter - EVERYONE is OBLIGATED to FORGIVE each other and RESOLVE all CONFLICT ~

DRACO

How wonderful. My children have forgiven me for being a murderous fiend and lying to them for most of their lives.

QUARALIULIUMALUS

True enough, but I'll never, ever forgive you for this name.

DRACO

That's fair.

~ JAMES puts on his 'BIG BOY' face ~

JAMES

I have to know Dad. What happened in the Forbidden Forest that you so badly want kept secret? You can tell me - I can take it.

~ He BRACES HIMSELF for HORRORS of which he has NEVER HEARD ~

HARRY

I made out with Ron and Draco.

JAMES

What?!

~ The SLASHERS all SQUEAL simultaneously ~

HARRY

I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, son.

JAMES

That's the stupidest goddamn thing I have ever heard in my life. Nobody in a million years would believe that.

~ The SLASHERS all GO INSANE ~

SLASHERS

No it isn't! Slash is a legitimate canon possibility! Stop hurting me with your relentless logic!

~ The SLASHERS run off ~

LILY

Wait, Dad! We want to know how you defeated the Dark Lord, not about your freaky perverted fantasies.

~ The READERS are slightly DISAPPOINTED ~

HARRY

Erm. Well ... I never actually said that I defeated Voldemort. We came out of the forest and since it was the seventh book - people automatically assumed I'd won. So I just went along with it.

~ There is ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE ~

ROB

Wait! If all this is true - then what happened to the Dark Lord? Why isn't he still torturing muggles?

HARRY

He is. Only I think he goes by the name 'Mariah Carey' now.

JAMES

Oh. Well, the important thing is, we resolved our family quarrel.

EVERYONE

Hooray!

~ The CHARACTERS all DANCE in an expression of PURE BLISS. We assume the story has ENDED and VOMIT in RELIEF ~

AUTHOR

Sure, it didn't have any of those fancy 'plotlines' or 'interesting characters' or 'correct punctuation' - but it was still a damn good reflection on the future of our favourite characters! Am I right?

READERS

Bitch. Whine. Moan. Grumble.

~ The AUTHOR CONGRATULATES him/herself on being FANTASTICALLY WONDERFUL ~

JAMES

This has got to be the worst ending yet.

[FIN]

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